917 lines
34 KiB
Plaintext
917 lines
34 KiB
Plaintext
MORE ROWDY SONGS NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN
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OR SMALL DOGS!
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-transcribed by Ioseph of Locksley
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All lyrics Public Domain / NO copyright!
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********************************************************************
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THE BALL OF BALLYKNURE (AKA: THE GATHERING OF THE CLANS)
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-supposedly Robert Burns; dates from the 1880's
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(1) Oh the Ball, the Ball of Ballyknure
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Where your wife, and my wife, were doin' it on the floor!
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(chorus) Wha' do ya, lassie?
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and wha' do y'noo?
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I'm the man what did y'last, lass,
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I canna do y'noo!
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The Queen was in the parlour, eatin bread and honey
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The King was in the chambermaid, and she was in the money!
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The village idiot he was there, a-sittin' by the fire
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Attempting masturbation with an india-rubber tyre!
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Oh the village postman he was there, but he had the Pox
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He couldna' do the ladies so he did the letter-box!
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The Queen of England she was there, backed against the wall
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"Put yer money on the table, boys, I'm going ta do you all!"
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The Count and Countess, they were there, a-doin' on the stair
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The bannister broke, and down they fell, they finished in mid-air!
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There was music in the garden, there was music in the sticks
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You couldna' hear the music for the swishin' o' the pricks!
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They were doin' it on the landing, they were doin' it on the stairs
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You couldna' see the carpet for the wealth of pubic hairs!
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The Kingdom Herald, he was there, whattya think o'that?
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Blazoning positions wi' a Duchess and a cat!
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(10) The fubba-wubbas they were there, sittin' all alone
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Complainin of the doin's with loud and piercing moans!
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Mr. Jameison he was there, the one that fought the Boers
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He jumped up on the table and he shouted for the hoors!
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The Board of Directors they were there, and they were shocked to see
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Four-and-twenty maidenheads a-hangin' from a tree!
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John the Blacksmith he was there, he wouldna play the game
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He did a lassie seven times, but wouldna see her hame!
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The village Constable he was there, now whattya think o'that?
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Amusin' himself by abusin' himself, and catchin' it in his hat...
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* more *
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Ball of Ballyknure (cont.)
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It started out so simple-like: each lad and lassie mated
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But pretty soon the doin's got so bloody complicated!
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Four and twenty virgins came down from Cuinimore
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Only two got back again, and they were double-bore!
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Clan MacChluarain, they were there, sleepin in the shade
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For no one could decide if they were Man, or Sheep, or Maid!
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The village pervert he was there, scratchin' at his crotch
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But no one minded him at all, he was only there to watch!
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The Kingdom Seneshal was there, linin' 'em up in rows
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He didna use his pecker, lads, he did 'em with his toes!
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(20) The village cripple he was there, but he didna shag too much
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His old John Thomas had fallen off, so he did 'em with his crutch!
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The old schoolteacher he was there, he diddled by rule-of-thumb
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workin' logarithmicly the times that he would come!
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The village chimney-sweep was there, a really filthy brute
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For every time he farted, he covered 'em all with soot!
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The local Cavaliers were there, in elegance they sat
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A-doin' Things Unusual with the feathers in their hat!
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The Rapier-fighters they were there, doin' what they could
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A-thrustin' and a-parryin' with Real Steel, not with wood!
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The local Hordesmen they were there, busier than bees
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the ladies wouldna have 'em, so they diddled dogs and trees!
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The village carpenter he was there, with his prick of wood
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He made it when he lost his own, and it worked just as good!
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The shenai-fighters they were there, all wrapped up in smiles
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A-doin' everyone they could in Oriental style!
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The College of Heralds they were there, in the other room
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Arguin' about who would do what, with which, to whom!
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The rattan-jocks were out in force and they were such a sight
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They didna do the ladies 'cause they'd heard there was a fight!
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(30) The old fishmonger he was there, a dirty stinkin sod
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He never got a rise that night, so he diddled 'em with a cod!
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The Kingdom Laurels they were there, and quite a sight to see
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A-doin' everyone they could, and most artisticly!
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The Kingdom Pelicans were there, doin' it with a sob
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They diddled out of duty; it was just another job!
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Four and twenty virgins went down to Inverness
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And when the Ball was over, there were four and twenty less!
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* more *
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Ball of Ballyknure (cont.)
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There was doin's on the porches, and doin's on the stones
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You couldna' hear the music for the loud and joyful moans!
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(insert name) he was there, covered up with smiles
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Doin' thirty-two at once, and in amazing style!
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All the Kingdom spodes were there, but they just sat and sulked
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For this was the occasion that no one told them "Get fulked!"
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Clan MacChluarain they were there, chasin' round the Keep
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And every single man of them buggerin' a sheep!
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(insert name) had a gerbil, he diddled it very well
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He didn't wrap it in duct tape: he blew it all to hell!
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(insert name) he was there, with his favourite toys:
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A dozen beautiful women, and a dozen beautiful boys!
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(40) (insert name) he was there; he wasn't very nice
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He didna do the ladies, he did gerbils, rats and mice!
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(insert name) she was there, covered all in sweat,
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Takin' on all comers, and she hasn't finished yet!
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(insert name) she was there, covered all in sweat,
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The Dark Horde carried her away, and we ain't found her yet!
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The Locksley Monsters they were there, lookin' for some nookie
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But they got distracted by a chocolate chippie cookie!
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(insert name) he was there, a crafty friend of Ghengis,
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He speaks a lot of languages; he is a cunning linguist!
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The village Masochist, he was there, beggin' for some blows
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The Sadist merely looked at him, and softly answered "No!"
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Yang the Nauseating was sittin' out in back
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The ladies did na' want him for he smelled too much of yak!
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The village druggist he was there, grinnin' like a fox
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He'd sold out of condoms, so he sold 'em dirty socks!
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Buell the Kind was also there, that beggar meek and mild,
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He didna' do the ladies, he had brought his favourite child!
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(insert name) he was there at the revel feast
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He doesn't like the girls, and the boys call him "The Beast!"
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(50) And in the morning, early, the Farmer nearly shat
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For four and twenty acres was nearly fuckit flat!
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It was a grand old party, lads, and sure a Locksley Plot
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And every lad and lassie there was glad of what they got!
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And when the Ball was over, everyone confessed
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The music it was wonderful, but the "doin's" were the best!
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***************************************************************
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***************************************************************
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Follows are extra verses, and XXX-rated verses, to "The Ball of
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Ballyknure":
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(Alternate CHORUS): Singin' balls to your partner
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Arse agin' th' wall!
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If y'canna' get laid on Saturday nicht
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You canna' get laid at all!
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The Minister's wife, she was there, buckled tae th' front
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Wi' a wreath of roses round her arse, and thistles round her cunt!
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The Minister's dochter, she was there, an' she gat roarin' fu'
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Sae they doubled her ower the midden wa' and did her like a coo!
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The undertaker he was there, in a long black shroud
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Swinging from the chandelier, and pissing on the crowd!
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(insert name) was there, as well, she kept us all in fits
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Jumping off the mantlepiece, and bouncing on her tits!
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The village cooper he was there; he had a mighty tool!
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He pulled his foreskin over his head, and yodeled thru the hole!
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The local vicar, he was there, his collar back to front
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He said, "My girls, thy sins are blessed!" and shoved it up their
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cunts!
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The local surgeon, he was there, with his knife in hand,
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And every time he turned around, he circumsized a man!
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(60) The village idiot he was there, up to his favorite trick:
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Bouncin' on his testicles and whistlin' thru his prick!
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The village fireman was there, quenchin' lassie's fires
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He diddled 'em in the firetruck, right beside the tires!
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(insert name) was also there, standing back-to-front,
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With thirteen inches of candlestick inserted in her cunt!
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The village nympho, she was there, wi' a happy grin
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Every hole was stuffit fu', and she was fu' o' quim!
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The village glazier he was there, with his prick of glass
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He diddled 'em in their cunnys, and also in the ass!
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One female musician was some sight to watch
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With "Dowland" from her lute, and "Palestrina" from her crotch!
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There was doin's in the bedrooms, there was doin's in the tub
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'Till every single pecker there was worn down to a nub!
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The bride was in the bedroom, explainin' to the groom:
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The vagina, not the rectum, is the entrance to the womb!
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The King was in the counting house, counting out his wealth;
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The Queen was in the parlor, playin' with herself!
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* more *
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Extra and XXX-rated verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)
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(insert name) he was there, his balls was made of brass
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And when he blew a fart, m'lads, sparks flew out his ass!
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(70) The tailor was a busy man; his work went to his head
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Sewing up the stretched-out cunts with miles and miles of thread!
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The Elder Statesmen all were there; they were too old to firk,
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So they sat around the table and they had a circle-jerk!
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(insert name) was excited and racin' round the hall
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A-pullin' on his pecker and showin' off his balls!
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The Parson's wife, she was there; she was the worst of all:
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She pulled her skirts above her head and shouted: "Fuck it all!"
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(insert name) he was there; he played a wily game:
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He did his lassie fourteen times before he finally came!
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(name) and (name) they were there, and they were quite a pair,
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Each did a lassie seven times, and never touched the hair!
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(insert name) he was there, up to his old trick:
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Dancin' naked 'round the room, pirouettin' on his prick!
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(insert name) he was there, but he wouldna' dance,
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Just sat there with his ten-inch rise, a-waitin' for his chance!
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(insert name) he was there; he was the perfect fool:
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He sat beneath the old oak tree, and whittled off his tool!
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(insert name) he was there, up from Dungaree
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With a yard-and-a-half of Glory, that hung below his knee!
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(80) The Queen, she had a chicken, the King he had a duck,
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So they put them on the table to see if they would fight!
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The cows were wearin' bridles, the horses wearin' bits
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The Queen she wore two harness-rings thru the nipples of her tits!
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(insert name) he was there, grinnin' at the Queen
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He'd built himself a dildo, and powered it by steam!
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(insert name) he was there, that rowdy rantin' bloke
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Masturbatin' all by himself with a backhand double stroke!
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The Royal Fool was also there, sittin' in the hall,
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Tryin' to do a mongoose with an india-rubber ball!
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(insert name) he was there, that egocentric elf,
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The ladies were na' guid enough, so he went and fucked himself!
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(insert name) she was there, and she was very strange:
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You stick a dollar in her cunt, she'd spit back 10 cents change!
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(insert name) he was there, but he was fast asleep
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The ladies wouldna have him, and we'd run clean out of sheep!
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* more *
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Extra and XXX-rated verses to "Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.):
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(Alternate CHORUS): Singin' who hae ye, lassie?
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Who hae ye noo?
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The ane that had ye last time
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He canna hae ye noo!
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(insert name) he was there, big and strong and mean,
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Out behind the bushes, boys, picking his next Queen!
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They tried it on the garden path, and once around the park,
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And when the candles snotted out, they diddled in the dark!
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(90) First they did it simple, then they tried it he's and she's,
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But before the ball was over, they went at it fives and threes!
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The groom was in the corner, oiling up his tool,
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The bride was in the icebox, her private parts to cool!
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(insert name) (s)he was there, backed against the wall,
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(s)he didn't want the doin's, just a lot of alcohol!
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First lady over, second lady front,
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Third lady's finger up the fourth lady's cunt!
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Fifth lady worn and dry, sixth lady passed,
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Seventh lady's finger up the eighth lady's ass!
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Ninth lady forward, tenth lady back,
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Eleventh lady's finger in the twelfth lady's crack!
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(insert name) he was there, givin' happy sighs!
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His rise had used up so much skin he couldna close his eyes!
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A strapping Scotsman he was there, known to all as "Ronald"
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His rise it weighed a quarter-pound...he must be a MacDonald!
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Bunny Foo-foo he was there, hoppin' thru the wood,
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Doin' the Good Fairy like a horny rabbit should!
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Big Goon Foo-Foo, he was there, stomping thru the weeds
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Buggering the Good Fairy ( his attitudes have NEEDS! )
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(100) Monty Python, they were there, with their ferocious MOOSE,
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"The bloody parrot's bloomin' DEAD; 'e canna reproduce!"
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(insert name), that randy wench, she was also there,
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And thirty men were suckit dry before she stopped for air!
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(name) and (name) they were there, havin' themselves a ball,
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She hiccuped as he took her, and she swallowed him, shoes and all!
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The Kingdom Marshal, he was there, full of botheration,
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For nobody signed a waiver for the evening's fornication!
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(insert name) she was there, and she was lookin' pert,
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With six or seven Cavaliers underneath her skirt!
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* more *
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Extra and XXX-rated verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)
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(insert name) was also there, with his feather-bed,
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And on the bedposts he had marked his score of maidenheads!
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Santa Claus was also there, and very drunk, I fear,
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You'd be drunk there with him if you came just once a year!
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(insert name) he was there, and he was smooth and slick,
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Tallyin' up his score that night by notches on his prick!
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The village dwarf was also there, that randy little runt,
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He'd dive upon a lassie, headfirst in her cunt!
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(insert name) she was there, the fattest of the lot,
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So they rolled her up in flour, and looked for the wettest spot!
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(110) (insert name) (s)he was there, hid behind a mask,
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God knows what (s)he was doin', lads, we didna stop to ask!
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(insert name) was also there, (s)he was a sight to see,
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They bent him (her) o'er the table, and the rest was Greek to me!
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James the First and Sixth was there, a sight you should have seen,
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He was the King of England but preferred to be the Queen!
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(insert name) he was there, but he was runnin' late,
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Askin' round from man to man just how to copulate!
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(insert name) was also there, but he was fast asleep,
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Cuddled up, with a happy grin, beside his rubber sheep!
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The (insert name) all were there, that's what I presume,
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They buggered themselves into a chain, and danced around the room!
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(insert name) she was there, and she was wondrous wise,
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With "USDA Grade A Choice", tattooed on her thighs!
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(insert name) he was there, sittin' on a stump,
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Masturbation was his choice; he didn't know how to hump!
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(insert name) was also there, doin' his famous stunt:
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Braidin' all the pubic hair on every single cunt!
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Anne Bolyn was also there, even tho she's dead,
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She's terrific on her back, me boys, but better giving head!
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(120) Cyrano de Bergerac, dressed in fancy clothes,
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He wouldna use his pecker, lads, he did 'em with his nose!
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Pinocchio was also there, and quite a sight to see,
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The ladies sat upon his face and shouted "Lie to me!"
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Cyrano de Bergerac diddled, with a poem,
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And ended his refrain with the words: "Thrust home!"
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(Insert name) was also there, and he was lookin' cute,
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He didna use his pecker, lads, he did 'em with his lute!
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* more *
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Extra and XXX-rated verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)
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note: this may not be ALL the verses, but it's doggone close!
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***************************************************************
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***************************************************************
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WALTZ ME AROUND AGAIN, HROTHGAR!
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-Ioseph of Locksley and countless others!
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-tune: "Celito Lindo"
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A limerick packs laughs anatomical
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Into space that is quite economical
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But the good ones we've seen
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So seldom are clean
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And the clean ones so seldom are comical! (T)
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(Chorus): Ai, ai, ai, ai!
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I am drunker than you are
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So sing me another verse
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That's worse than the other verse
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And waltz me around again, Hrothgar! (I)
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A blue ribbon was quite a surprise
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To a Scotsman in his native guise
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"I don't know where you've been,
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Whether good, or in sin....
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But I'm glad that you won the first prize!" (I)
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While Titian was mixing rose madder
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He espied a nude girl on a ladder
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Her position, to Titian
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Suggested coition
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So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er! (T)
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A wanton young lady from Wembly
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Reproached for not acting quite primly
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Answered "Heavens above!"
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"I know sex is not love!"
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"But it's such an attractive facsimile!" (T)
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There once was a knight from the West
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Who thought he was the very best
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But the ladies just chaffed
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And pointed and laughed
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And never put him to the test! (U)
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A Celt, with a grin, softly said
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As he killed all his enemies dead
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"These trophies so gory
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Are my marks of glory,
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It's my enemies giving me head!" (I)
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There was a young lass from Bryn Mawr
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Who committed a dreadful faux pas
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She loosened a stay
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In her decollette
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Exposing her je ne sais quoi! (T)
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There once was an old man of Lyme
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Who married three wives at a time
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When asked: "Why a third?"
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He replied: "One's absurd!"
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"And bigamy, sir, is a crime!" (T) * more *
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||
|
||
Waltz Me Around Again, Hrothgar (cont.)
|
||
|
||
The Revel lasts all of the night
|
||
Lords and ladies in finery bedight
|
||
The music doth swell
|
||
The dancers look well
|
||
Once they learn their left foot from their right! (E)
|
||
|
||
There once was a knight from the Middle
|
||
Who wanted to learn how to diddle
|
||
In the East, at his ease,
|
||
He caught a disease:
|
||
And now he can't even piddle! (I)
|
||
|
||
A randy young man from Caid
|
||
Was discovered spreading his seed
|
||
In horses and dogs,
|
||
In owls and in frogs,
|
||
And in two or three slow-moving Swedes! (I)
|
||
|
||
At least if you're in the Dark Horde
|
||
You will never sit 'round being bored
|
||
Our ladies, and wives.
|
||
Tend to carry sharp knives....
|
||
First get their permission, my lord! (U)
|
||
|
||
A lusty old Duke, at Estrella
|
||
Was behaving in ways I won't say-a
|
||
In his BVDs
|
||
Duct-taped to a tree
|
||
He woke up the very next day-a! (I)
|
||
|
||
Address all unknowns as gentle
|
||
Treat ladies as tho' sacramental
|
||
Unless their bare arms,
|
||
Loose behavior, and charms
|
||
Proclaim that their favours are rentals! (E)
|
||
|
||
Don't ever drink Caidan Blue
|
||
It'll getcha as nothing else do!
|
||
A pirate one day
|
||
Drank two, so they say,
|
||
Just look at that boy gork and spew! (I)
|
||
|
||
There once was a young knight from Kent
|
||
Whose thing was so long that it bent!
|
||
To save himself trouble
|
||
He'd put it in double,
|
||
And instead of coming, he went! (T)
|
||
|
||
The trouble with list'ning to Yang
|
||
Was that every damned song the man sang
|
||
Was either illicit,
|
||
immoral, explicit,
|
||
Or in lower Mongolian slang! (E)
|
||
|
||
* more *
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
Waltz Me Around Again, Hrothgar (cont.)
|
||
|
||
There was a young lady named Banker
|
||
Who slept with the Corsairs, at anchor!
|
||
She awoke in dismay
|
||
When she heard someone say:
|
||
"Now, up with the top's'l and spanker!" (U)
|
||
|
||
A serious thought for today
|
||
Is one that may cause dismay:
|
||
Just what are the forces
|
||
That bring little horses
|
||
If all the big horses say "Neigh?" (U)
|
||
|
||
There was a young man from Racine
|
||
Who invented a "Doing Machine"
|
||
Concave and convex
|
||
It could "do" either sex,
|
||
But oh, what a bastard to clean! (T)
|
||
|
||
There was a young couple named Kelly
|
||
Who walked around belly-to-belly
|
||
Because, in their haste,
|
||
They used library paste
|
||
Instead of petroleum jelly! (T)
|
||
|
||
At the Revel last night down in Crewe
|
||
I found a large mouse in the stew
|
||
Said the waiter "Don't shout,
|
||
And wave it about,
|
||
Or the King will be wanting one, too!" (T)
|
||
|
||
There was a young lady named Greene
|
||
Who grew so abnormally lean
|
||
And flat and compressed
|
||
That her back touched her chest
|
||
And sideways, she couldn't be seen! (T)
|
||
|
||
A certain young man from An Tir
|
||
Sat down, and cried in his beer,
|
||
His lady, he said,
|
||
Wore chain-mail to bed
|
||
And it took off the hair round his peer (I)
|
||
|
||
There once was a knight from the Mists
|
||
Who cockily entered the lists
|
||
A Duke soon uncocked him,
|
||
Dehorned and defrocked him,
|
||
He got screwed, but never was kissed! (I)
|
||
|
||
If you kiss enough frogs, so they say,
|
||
One might be a Prince, some fine day,
|
||
But beware of the dude
|
||
Who is uncouth, and lewd:
|
||
He's a horny toad, and a bad lay! (I)
|
||
|
||
|
||
* more *
|
||
|
||
|
||
Waltz Me Around Again, Hrothgar (cont.)
|
||
|
||
A certain young Herald so charming
|
||
Had Arms that were very alarming:
|
||
A maiden, displayed,
|
||
On a bed, disarrayed,
|
||
And the motto: "Foreplay is forearming!" (I)
|
||
|
||
You can fight the Dark Horde, if you wanna
|
||
You'll find plenty of blood, guts, and honnah
|
||
While you turn them quite green
|
||
With your shieldwork supreme
|
||
Look out for that left-hand katana! (E)
|
||
|
||
The East, or the Mid, (It depends!)
|
||
Remarks when the Horde condescends
|
||
To march into place
|
||
With sword, spear and mace:
|
||
"Your friends? I thought they were our friends!" (E)
|
||
|
||
Now Ysgithrs' all in a riot
|
||
They've never been peaceful and quiet
|
||
We'd turn it to slag
|
||
Mop it up with a rag
|
||
Or sell it, but nobody'd buy it! (U)
|
||
|
||
A Meridian lady, they say.
|
||
Was made a peculiar way:
|
||
She took forty-two strokes
|
||
And three dirty jokes
|
||
And a gallon of mead every day! (U)
|
||
|
||
Ansteorra's a place in a rut
|
||
Delighted to wallow in smut!
|
||
They use dirty socks
|
||
To cover their jocks
|
||
And do, well, I mustn't say what! (U)
|
||
|
||
As I gazed at the heavens one night
|
||
The cracks in the sky caused me fright!
|
||
Pieces came down!
|
||
Fell all over town!
|
||
I guess Chicken Little was right! (J)
|
||
|
||
God's plan had a hopeful beginning
|
||
But Man spoiled his chances by sinning
|
||
We trust that the story
|
||
Will end up in Glory
|
||
But, at present, the Other side's winning.... (T)
|
||
|
||
And now we have got to The End
|
||
Of this song about Terrible Sin
|
||
And if you've been bored
|
||
I'm sorry, m'lord
|
||
You should NEVER have let me begin! (I)
|
||
|
||
**************************************************************
|
||
|
||
|
||
**************************************************************
|
||
|
||
Follows are extra verses, and XXX-rated verses to "Waltz Me Around
|
||
Again, Hrothgar":
|
||
|
||
There was a young girl named Alice
|
||
Who used dynamite for a phallus
|
||
They found her vagina
|
||
In South Carolina
|
||
And her arse was just this side of Dallas! (T)
|
||
|
||
A rancid old hermit named Dave
|
||
Kept a dead whore in a cave
|
||
He said; "I admit,"
|
||
"I'm a bit of a shit;"
|
||
"But think of the money I save!" (T)
|
||
|
||
There was a young man from Nantucket
|
||
Whose prick was so long he could suck it
|
||
Said he, with a grin,
|
||
As he wiped off his chin,
|
||
"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!" (T)
|
||
|
||
Now, Jon and Diana one day
|
||
Founded the whole SCA
|
||
At a Berkeley party
|
||
That was very arty
|
||
Now it's covered the whole USA! (U)
|
||
|
||
His Grace (or Her Grace...it depends)
|
||
Remarks when the Dark Horde descends
|
||
With chickens and goats,
|
||
six Serbs and five Croats
|
||
"My friends? I thought they were YOUR friends!" (E)
|
||
|
||
There once was an old maid from Wooster
|
||
Who thought that a man had seduced her
|
||
When looking around,
|
||
She finally found:
|
||
'Twas only the bedpost that goosed her! (T)
|
||
|
||
There was an old lady from Munich
|
||
Who was ravished one night by a Eunuch
|
||
At the height of her passion
|
||
He slipped her a ration
|
||
From a squirt-gun concealed in his tunic! (T)
|
||
|
||
There once was a mighty stick-jock
|
||
Who had holes down the length of his cock
|
||
When he got an erection
|
||
He'd play a selection
|
||
From Johann Sebastian Bach! (U)
|
||
|
||
An attractive young lady named Myrtle
|
||
Had quite an affair with a turtle
|
||
What is more phenominal
|
||
A swelling abdominal
|
||
Showed Myrtle the Turtle was fertile! (T)
|
||
|
||
* more *
|
||
|
||
Extra verses and XXX-rated verses to "Waltz me around again, Hrothgar" (cont.)
|
||
|
||
An unfortunate fellow named Chase
|
||
Had an ass that was badly misplaced
|
||
He showed indignation
|
||
When investigation
|
||
Proved that few persons shit thru their face! (T)
|
||
|
||
A Roman, who hailed from Gazondom
|
||
Used a dried hedgehog's hide for a condom
|
||
His mistress did shout
|
||
As he pulled the thing out
|
||
"De gustibus non disputandum!" (U)
|
||
|
||
There was a young maid from Madras
|
||
Who had a magnificent ass
|
||
Not pretty, and pink,
|
||
As you probably think:
|
||
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass! (T)
|
||
|
||
A bather, whose clothing was strewed
|
||
By breezes, that left her quite nude
|
||
Saw a man come along
|
||
And, unless I am wrong,
|
||
You expect the next line to be lewd! (U)
|
||
|
||
A habit obscene and unsavoury
|
||
Holds the Vicar of Wessex in slavery
|
||
With maniacal howls
|
||
He deflowers young owls
|
||
Which he keeps in an underground aviary! (T)
|
||
|
||
There was a young harlot from Crewe
|
||
Who filled her vagina with glue
|
||
She said, with a grin,
|
||
"If they pay to get in,
|
||
They'll pay to get out of it, too!" (U)
|
||
|
||
There was a young lawyer named Rex
|
||
Who was sadly deficient in sex
|
||
Arraigned for exposure
|
||
He said, with composure,
|
||
"De minimus non curat lex!" (U)
|
||
|
||
There was an old lady of Tring
|
||
Who, when somebody asked her to sing
|
||
Replied, "Isn't it odd?
|
||
I can never tell 'God
|
||
Save The Weasle' from 'Pop Goes The King!" (U)
|
||
|
||
A young poet, whose name was McMahon
|
||
Wrote verse that never would scan
|
||
When they said, "But the thing
|
||
Doesn't move with a swing,"
|
||
He said: "Yes, but I like to get as many words
|
||
into the last line as I possibly can! (U)
|
||
|
||
* more *
|
||
|
||
|
||
Extra Verses and XXX-rated verses to "Waltz Me Around Again, Hrothgar" (cont.)
|
||
|
||
There once was a Duke from the West
|
||
Whose bride wore chain-mail with the best
|
||
He said," She is sweet,
|
||
And gentle, and neat,
|
||
But it pulls out the hairs from my chest!" (I)
|
||
|
||
There once was a man named Old Jossil
|
||
Who found a most int'resting fossil
|
||
He could tell by the bend
|
||
And the knot in the end,
|
||
T'was the pecker of Paul the Apostle! (T)
|
||
|
||
There once was a man from Rangoon
|
||
Who was born by the light of the moon
|
||
He had not the luck
|
||
To be born of a fuck
|
||
But a wet-dream scraped up with a spoon! (T)
|
||
|
||
There once was a man from Shambock
|
||
Who played the bass viol with his cock
|
||
With massive erections
|
||
He rendered selections
|
||
From Johann Sebastian Bach! (T)
|
||
|
||
There once was a girl from Milpitas
|
||
Who had a great yen for coitus
|
||
Her athletic friend
|
||
Had an itch on the end,
|
||
So now she has ath-el-ete's foetus! (U)
|
||
|
||
There once was a girl from Mobile
|
||
Had a cunt made of crucible steel
|
||
Her greatest sex-thrill
|
||
Was a rotary drill
|
||
And an off-center emery wheel! (U)
|
||
|
||
A broken-down harlot named Truppe
|
||
Was heard to confess, in her cups,
|
||
"The height of my folly
|
||
Was to diddle a Collie,
|
||
But I got a nice prize for the pups!" (T)
|
||
|
||
There once was a man named Grost
|
||
Who had an affair with a ghost
|
||
He said, with a spasm,
|
||
At the height of orgasm,
|
||
"I think I can feel it, almost!" (T)
|
||
|
||
There once was a Corsair named Bates
|
||
Who did the fandango, on skates;
|
||
He fell on his cutlass
|
||
Which rendered him nutless,
|
||
And practically useless on dates! (T)
|
||
|
||
* more *
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
Extra Verses and XXX-rated verses to "Waltz Me Around Again, Hrothgar" (cont.)
|
||
|
||
There was a young lady named Cager
|
||
Who, as the result of a wager,
|
||
Consented to fart
|
||
The whole oboe part
|
||
Of Mozart's Quartet in F Major! (U)
|
||
|
||
There was a young lady from York
|
||
Who was greatly adverse to the stork
|
||
But no matter how firm,
|
||
She feared no man's sperm,
|
||
For she plugged it up first with a cork! (U)
|
||
|
||
There was an old Count from Svoboda
|
||
Who would not pay a whore what he owed her,
|
||
So, with great savoir-faire,
|
||
She stood on a chair,
|
||
And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda! (T)
|
||
|
||
There was a young lady from Arden
|
||
Who was blowing a man in a garden,
|
||
He said, in a huff:
|
||
"Do you swallow the stuff?"
|
||
She answered him:" (gulp!) Beg your pardon?" (T)
|
||
|
||
The lovely young Countess of Bole
|
||
Had a sense of humor most droll
|
||
To a masquerade ball
|
||
She wore nothing at all,
|
||
And backed in as a Parker House Roll! (T)
|
||
|
||
There was a young man from old Sparta
|
||
Who was a magnificent farta
|
||
He could fart anything
|
||
From "God Save the Queen,"
|
||
To a solo from "La Traviata!" (T)
|
||
|
||
On the chest of a Countess named Gail
|
||
Was tatooed the price of her tail,
|
||
And on her behind,
|
||
For the sake of the blind,
|
||
Was the same information, in Braille! (T)
|
||
|
||
There was a young man from New Haven
|
||
Who had an affair with a raven
|
||
Said he, with a grin,
|
||
As he wiped off his chin,
|
||
"Nevermore!" (U)
|
||
|
||
|
||
* note: there are HUNDREDS of verses to this song.......
|
||
|
||
|
||
(T): Traditional (U): Unknown source (to protect the guilty!)
|
||
(E): East Kingdom Songbook (I): Ioseph of Locksley
|
||
(J): John Benson
|
||
|
||
****************************************************************
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|