2827 lines
152 KiB
Plaintext
2827 lines
152 KiB
Plaintext
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Uncensored Transcripts from the MindVox "Fuck-You" Forum
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Compiled and Moderated by Jim Felcher
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Introduction
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Computer geeks have a reputation for being dull, asexual, or repressed. And yet, paradoxically,
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on most computer networks you'll have a hard time finding anyone who shows any inhibitions
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at all.
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It seems that the shyness of nerds lasts only so long as they're interacting with real people in
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the real world. As soon as they get online, it's a very different story. Just as a mild-mannered
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family man can turn into a horn-honking monster when he finds himself behind the wheel of
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an automobile, the most repressed computer user can turn into a confrontational, ranting
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maniac on a bulletin board system (BBS).
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In fact, electronic text tends to make everyone loosen up. The medium is so ephemeral, so
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insubstantial, it imposes no penalty, no self-limiting feedback, no need for self-restraint. Angry
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diatribes are common enough that net-heads have coined the term "flame" to describe them,
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while bad manners are so frequent, they are often ignored and easily forgotten.
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When I first started exploring the net, I became fascinated by the way it tempted users to be
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bold and revelatory. Everyone had an opinion, people flirted with each other compulsively, and
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many online identities were colorful or outrageous. It occurred to me that there was a window,
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here, into levels of the human condition that are normally hidden. With this in mind, I devised a
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plan.
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I sampled various bulletin boards in the New York area and settled on one named MindVox as
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the ideal site for the experiment that I had in mind. MindVox had been established in 1991 by
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Patrick Kroupa and Bruce Fancher, two ex-hackers who decided to go legitimate after they saw
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many of their friends hauled off to jail. For Kroupa and Fancher, however, "legitimate" was a
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relative concept, and they retained a mind set rooted in rebellion. Their BBS featured a huge
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electronic library full of useful tips on subjects ranging from computer fraud to illegal drugs.
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MindVox imposed no "code of conduct" on their members, and as a result, it soon attracted a
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hardcore group of nonconformists who took full advantage of the hands-off management
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policy.
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I asked Fancher if he would be willing to set up an area of the system where people would be
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encouraged to discuss the most offensive or disgusting topics imaginable. In this forum, there
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would be no hint of moral censure. Anyone could say anything, and no one would disapprove. I
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would serve as the moderator, but I would not be moderate. I would make brutally frank
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confessions of my own so that people would feel it was safe and legitimate to follow my
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example.
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Fancher sat down at a terminal in the MindVox office. "I can create the forum for you right now,"
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he said. "What do you want to call it?"
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I hadn't thought about that.
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"How about the Fuck-You Forum?" said Fancher. I laughed. "Okay."
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He rattled off a few Unix commands at his keyboard. "And what do you want your name to be?"
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"Felcher," I said, naming myself after the most disgusting sex act I could think of. "Jim Felcher."
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(For a full explanation, see post number 90, below.)
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"Okay, it's done." Bruce Fancher pushed the keyboard aside. "Log on and make an initial post to
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describe what you want the forum to be."
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I hesitated. "You don't think this should be, you know, restricted access?"
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Fancher gestured dismissively. "Our standard agreement requires everyone to state that they're
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over eighteen. I'm not worried."
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So there it was: I now had my own little area of MindVox.
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I went home to my computer and spent a while composing the initial post, which I uploaded
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into the system. From that precise moment, each time a user who had participated other forums
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logged on, he or she was confronted with a prompt that said, "A new forum has been created
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named Fuck-You.
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Would you like to join it?"
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How would the MindVox clientele react to this unusual invitation? Within minutes, responses
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started coming in. When I checked half an hour later, I found almost thirty posts. Clearly, the
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"Fuck-You" forum had struck a nerve.
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During the days that followed, the pace slackened off a bit but the content of the posts became
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more serious and revelatory. At first, people had traded anecdotes and off-color jokes. Now
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they were talking more about themselves, making the kinds of confessions that are normally
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heard only by police officers, therapists, or priests.
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A surprising variety of people (both male and female) chose to participate. Usually, forums on
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computer bulletin boards tend to settle down to half-a-dozen regulars trading small fragments
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of information, while many more "lurkers" (as they are known) casually browse through the text
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and never bother to contribute anything. But the "Fuck-You" forum tempted maybe a hundred
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different people to participate, and some of their posts were long, elaborate, and meticulously
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detailed.
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Almost all the confessions seemed genuine. And in the electronic medium, no one was ashamed.
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As I write this, three months later, we seem to have reached a plateau. Most of the definitively
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shocking stories have been told, and the forum is relatively dormant, with only an occasional
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newcomer stumbling across it and adding a word or two. Still, I can look back over a rich
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harvest: close to 800 posts all told.
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After I had started the "Fuck-You" forum, I learned that there's a Usenet news group on the
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Internet named alt.tasteless. At first sight, its contents seem similar; yet there is a very different
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underlying intention. The "Fuck-You" forum was set up for people to say awful things about
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themselves and still be accepted by their peers. The alt.tasteless news group is more of an
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exercise in causing offense. In many of the posts the writers actually seem to hope for a
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negative response, and the content seems exaggerated or totally fabricated.
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I'm biased, of course, but I feel that the "Fuck-You" forum has a greater sense of conviction and
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sincerity.
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Here, then, is my selection of the best from "Fuck-You." The text has been edited only to correct
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a few misspellings and errors in punctuation. Signature lines, subject lines, and quoted sections
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from earlier posts have been omitted in order to save space. No other changes have been made.
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From 750 posts, 140 have been selected. A complete list of the original 750 appears at the end
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of this little book.
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Contributors to the forum were asked to notify me if they objected to their posts being
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reprinted. No one did. Of course, people weren't writing under their real names, but bear in
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mind that an "online" name is no guarantee of anonymity. The user of a BBS is known by his or
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her online name in all areas of the system, and very often will still use the name if (s)he meets
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fellow users in the real world. To take one example, when simonm described his habit of
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regularly drinking his own urine, he was fully aware that at least a dozen other MindVox users
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were likely to see him face-to-face during the following couple of weeks, and he knew that most
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of them would have read what he had written.
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So, most of the anecdotes and confessions that you'll find below were at least semi-public, and
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in some cases they were totally public.
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Some people may see this text merely as a source of entertainment. Some may regard it as a sad
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commentary on the sickness of human beings in twentieth-century America. Others may
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complain that it's a pointless exercise in filth.
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To me, all of these responses miss the point. Without wanting to get too pretentious about it,
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the "Fuck-You" forum was an attempt to uncover some basic psychic truth: the truth of the id
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as opposed to the ego.
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I'm happy to report that this attempt was entirely successful. --Jim Felcher
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P.S. If you would like to see the complete, unedited annals of the Fuck-You forum, or if you're
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interested in contributing to it yourself, this is very easily done. To connect with MindVox, set
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your modem to N,8,1 and dial (212) 989-4141 or (212) 645-8441 (or telnet to phantom.com).
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Prompts on the screen will guide you from there.
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Post: 1
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From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
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Date: Tue, 03 May 94 00:21:36 EDT
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Have you ever used vomit as vaginal lubricant? Do you know what your own shit tastes like?
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How about other people's shit? Do you fantasize about handcuffing, bludgeoning, and urinating
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on members of a particular ethnic minority? Have you pondered the useful and interesting ways
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that you might exploit the suck reflex of a 6-month-old infant?
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This is a forum for serious discussion and study of offensive ideas, speech, and behavior.
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If you're going to post here, make sure it is truly *inventive* and imaginative in its exploration
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of _bonafide hard-core offensiveness_.
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Schoolyard humor or sick jokes will be viewed as filler. Postings that induce shock, outrage, or a
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physical gag reflex will be encouraged. True confessions of sociopathic acts will be especially
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valued.
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If you think this is a juvenile, pathetic waste of time . . . if you're concerned that young children
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may be harmed by this shit . . . if you think this is encouraging the kind of low-life behavior that
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has already tainted this BBS to an unhealthy degree . . . then fuck you!
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Post: 5
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From: tomwhore (Baron Love Sexy)
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Date: Tue, 03 May 94 00:31:44 EDT
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/me makes room on the couch
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So once I heard from a friend of a friend This friend worked at a mental ward. One of the kids
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there had this habit, a good one at that. He could pull his asshole out about six or seven inches,
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sorta just go in there and pull it out with his shit encrusted fingers.
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Sometimes he would let it dangle out his pants, other times he would play with it. Once, so I
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hear, he couldn't put it back. He had stretched it out to such a degree it simply wouldn't snap
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back.
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Post: 8
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From: slowdog (eraserhead)
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Date: Tue, 03 May 94 00:39:47 EDT
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When I was in HS, there was this girl life guard at the swimming pool in the apartment complex
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where I lived. She delighted in telling us stories.
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One was of this couple, going at it in her dorm room. He moved and went down on her, really
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eating her out.
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He had also just recently eaten a whole lot of pizza and promptly vomited all over her pussy.
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Just thought I'd share.
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Post: 13
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From: microdot (NO CARRIER)
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Date: Tue, 03 May 94 00:39:04 EDT
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I have lurked for a while, and am quite encouraged by the folks I find. I've accepted myself as a
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zoo and have had the wonderful good fortune to have a zoo for a spouse. I enjoy reading this
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group tremendously for the attitudes and sharing I see. Eleven years ago, I discovered my zoo
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tendencies somewhat accidentally. I was 19, living at home with my parents, attending a local
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Junior College. My folks went on a trip and left me and Rowdy to care for the house. I also was
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caring for the neighbors' dog while they were out of town. Although Rowdy is very protective
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(aren't all German Shepherds?), he was the friendliest animal you could imagine. This particular
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day, I spent about an hour next door. Feeding, watering, and playing with the neighbors' dog
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(who was in season and confined). I noticed when I unlocked my door, Rowdy was unusually
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enthusiastic when I greeted him. I went upstairs to my room and jumped in the shower. When I
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came out, I sat on the bed to blow dry my hair. Rowdy pushed his body between my legs and put
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his head in my lap, like he usually did when he wanted to be petted, but this time, he wouldn't
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be still for me to pet him. As Rowdy bucked around and finally grabbed my leg and started
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humping, I noticed his penis sticking out from its sheath. Ever the curious one, I pushed him
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back to get a better look at it. That's when he put his nose in my crotch and gave me a glorious
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lick. Wow! Then, he grabbed my leg again and resumed his humping. At first, I was startled.
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Then, I figured out that the smell of the female was on my jeans and Rowdy was *excited!* I had
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the craziest thought . . . why not? I had heard of women who had dogs as love mates, but I had
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never considered Rowdy. I loved him like one of the family, but he was obviously in such a state
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. . . I decided to give him a try . . . just to see how far he would go. I got down on the carpet on all
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fours and instead of jumping on top of me, he went after my sex with his tongue. That tongue
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of his really rang my bell quickly but was a little intense. I tried to get him onto my back, but
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those nails of his convinced me that there had to be a better way. I got up and turned to face
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him in a squatting position. I put the center of my back against the side of the bed and as I
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leaned back, I pulled the big lug on top of me, with his rear end between my thighs. He really
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didn't know what to do as I lay there with him hovering over me. He was so close, I could feel
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the soft tip of his cock pushing into my crotch. I reached under him and started to stroke and
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guide his penis. Within a few strokes, he connected with my vagina. He partially entered me and
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started going 90 mph. His cock was so hot! He worked his paws a bit around my waist and with
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his tremendous strength, was actually pulling me onto his penis with each stroke. Once he had
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penetrated me, I felt a large bump push into my vagina. Then his penis started to grow! It was
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painful at first, but there was no stopping him at this point. I felt his huge cock almost in the pit
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of my stomach and I was so *full!* I felt absolutely impaled on his long cock and was loving
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every minute of it. He slobbered all over my breasts while humping me and brought me to
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several orgasms. While he was in me, I could feel an awesome throbbing as he pumped his load.
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After a while, he started doing a dance with his hind feet and his penis deflated enough to pull
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out of me. I was in shock and in heaven at the same time. He licked me clean and then curled up
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at the base of the bed. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoy sharing with people
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of similar interests. I like reading about others' experiences also so I hope you other lurkers will
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join me in posting. Carolyn (Skytravelr)
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Post: 29
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From: catfood (-[erase]-)
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Date: Tue, 03 May 94 03:28:25 EDT
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I suppose we should get some elementary tips outta the way early on: Waders (the type you
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normally use when you're, say, trout fishing) are useful to have while doing sheep, so you'll have
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somewhere to stuff their rear legs.
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Young calves will nurse on just about anything.
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Post: 30
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From: geekus (NO CAREER)
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Date: Tue, 03 May 94 08:42:38 EDT
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once upon a time, i was transmitted a nice, nongonhorreal infection from this cute brazilian
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skankpot named ruth. at first, i had the vaguest sense that my penis itched--from the inside.
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within a couple of days, it felt like my dick was on fire. pissing had become downright painful,
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so it was with great dread that i went into the bathroom. i waddled up to the toilet and
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unhitched. looking down i thought, hey, who left the baklava in my shorts? then it occurred to
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me, hey, that's not flaky, gooey pastry with nuts, that's my pecker.
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you're welcome.
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Post: 31
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From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
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Date: Tue, 03 May 94 11:14:30 EDT
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I see that someone has "fingered" me, revealing the fact that I have no previous experience here
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on MindVox. I hope this won't cause anger and resentment.
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For several years I have been a member of another well-known online service. But I never felt
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able to express myself with sufficient freedom. When I was complaining about this to a friend
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who is well acquainted with the owners of MindVox, he suggested that I could find a new home
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here.
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My qualification for this task consists of lifelong experience and fascination with disgusting and
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offensive behavior. Believe me, I have many stories to tell.
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Since response to this forum has been so swift and positive, I would like to propose a monthly
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"Filth Award" to the person who makes the most memorable post in each of these categories:
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1. Most nauseating anecdote
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2. Most interesting perversion
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3. Most original insult
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Should there be additional award categories that I haven't thought of?
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Post: 32
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From: galt (Skenderbeg)
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Date: Tue, 03 May 94 11:41:28 EDT
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Heard while I was stationed at Ft. Bragg: "Shut up, you clit-muscled faggot."
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And one personally penned by my best friend: "Go to hell, you flaming one-eyed butt weasel."
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Post: 33
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From: galt (Skenderbeg)
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Date: Tue, 03 May 94 11:45:02 EDT
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Story, heard from a friend of a friend of a friend: Once upon a time this high school lad and his
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high-school GF were enjoying an intimate moment at his house, in the afternoon, in the magical
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time between the end of school and when your parents come home from work. He had her in
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the basement, just in case the folks came home. Anyway, he was butt-fucking her ferociously.
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Suddenly his mother walked in on them. He pulled out suddenly in surprise. When he did, the
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young lass spewed the contents of her colon upon his genitals. When he looked down and saw
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this, he became nauseated and vomited all over her back.
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The End.
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What I really want to know is . . . what happened after that, with this poor naked young girl
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kneeling on the ground, covered with vomit, having just shat all over this woman's son? I can't
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think of anything to say in that situation.
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Post: 44
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From: nirvana (Squared Infinity)
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Date: Tue, 03 May 94 19:29:30 EDT
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A friend of mine has a friend that goes to NYU (girl) and the friend was going out with her BF
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that night leaving her roommate in the dorm alone . . . she told the roommate that she was
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going out for the night and she would be back around 3 in the morning . . . The girl left with her
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BF but then remembered she forgot her ID which she needed to get back in later on . . . she
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wasted about 10 minutes talking to friends she ran into downstairs before she actually got
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around going back up to her room . . . when she got there before she opened the door she heard
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a loud humming . . . she opened the door only to be greeted by her roommate jerking off with a
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vacuum cleaner that was on . . . worse yet she kept on fucking herself with the vacuum cleaner
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since she didn't hear her roommate come in due to the noise. The girl that came in snuck up on
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her roommate and jumped in front of her saying
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boo!
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really loud. The girl's BF was in the room watching the spectacle at this point and laughing also .
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. . The girl masturbating with the vacuum cleaner jumped up and started to scream which made
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people from other dorm rooms emerge and come in to the room. The girl was naked and just
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managed to turn the vacuum cleaner off by the time a small crowd had gathered around the
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opened door to see what all the screaming was about . . . The girl that was masturbating began
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to cry hysterically and threw everyone out of the room and began to dress and pack all her stuff
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up . . . 10 minutes later she left the dorm and later on the next day requested a new dorm
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assignment . . . My friend's friend never saw the girl again . . . they had never been that close but
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that was definitely the end of that friendship. In a matter of speaking . . . it was sucked up!
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/me slaps myself for corniness (hey! . . . I had to say it!)
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Post: 45
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From: tomwhore (Baron Love Sexy)
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Date: Tue, 03 May 94 19:53:10 EDT
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Some things I heard today out of the corner of my ear. "You vaginal blood fart"
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". . . she was riding the cotton pony . . . " ". . . sand paper tongue in a canker sour world" My all
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time fave, while not being too gross, is a line from 2 Jakes "In a town of lepers, I'm the man with
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the most fingers."
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Post: 54
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From: teknikl (John Bigboote)
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Date: Tue, 03 May 94 21:52:25 EDT
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One of my girlfriend's friends came over once to visit us. She complained that her eyes were
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bothering her.
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My GF Christy went into a little speech about how you should wash off your mascara (she
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doesn't wear makeup but her friend does) very night to be sure you don't get an eye infection.
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So our friend goes to the bathroom and washes her eyes really well. But still they were itchy. She
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runs her fingernail across the edge of her eye and pulls out what she thinks is a bit of eye
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boogers.
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Instead, and to her great horror, she sees that she has a small insect on the tip of her finger. A
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"crab" actually.
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That's when she saw that she had quite a few of them crawling around near the edge of her eye
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socket.
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That's when she started to freak.
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Long story short: hospital, embarrassed, black eyes for two weeks.
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Post: 61
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From: bobm (Needs an agent)
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Date: Tue, 03 May 94 23:37:15 EDT
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I used to work with a woman who'd say, "You'd suck the cum out of a dead faggot's asshole."
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Post: 62
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From: nicki (substitute hero)
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Date: Tue, 03 May 94 23:50:13 EDT
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"You're as ugly as a bucketful of twisted assholes" And it gets even better when I tell you that I
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learned that expression from my best friend's 85-year-old grandmother.
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Post: 65
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From: mdreyfus (UBERMENSCH)
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Date: Wed, 04 May 94 01:22:48 EDT
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When I was about 8 years old, I used to let my dog, Sugar (a toy collie) lick my penis before I got
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in the shower . . . she would come up and sniff it and then lick at it, kind of flicking it with her
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tongue . . . then as I got older, I used to get down on all fours and let her lick my ass clean after
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a shit or after one of those sweaty days that make your crack feel all grody and slippery . . . she
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licked it as if she was cleaning her own asshole, I mean, not really voraciously licking, but kind
|
|
of timid . . . she would take couple of licks and make this little face and smack her lips and
|
|
tongue a bit and then continue . . . oh, I forgot, my mom caught me when I was 8 letting Sugar
|
|
lick my penis . . . the embarrassment has yet to be rivaled . . . not to mention the guilt trip and
|
|
screaming and yelling . . . .
|
|
|
|
this is a TRUE telling . . . and I don't have to lie by using the "I have this friend . . . " method.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 70
|
|
From: mdreyfus (UBERMENSCH)
|
|
Date: Wed, 04 May 94 01:41:22 EDT
|
|
|
|
Has anyone ever watched film footage of a massacre in Rwanda or anywhere else and had the
|
|
urge to laugh? I don't mean the laugh like the laughter at a funeral which is attributed to a
|
|
mental desire to not deal with death, but I mean really laugh because you think it is really funny
|
|
to watch these spear chuckers whack each other to death . . . I mean, imagine it . . . a bunch of
|
|
half-or maybe full-crazed tribal types rampaging through towns slicing away with their
|
|
machetes . . . maybe the white South Africans wish this would happen to their spear chucker
|
|
rulers.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 76
|
|
From: mdreyfus (UBERMENSCH)
|
|
Date: Wed, 04 May 94 01:54:55 EDT
|
|
|
|
The most outrageous porno scene I've seen is one shot on film from the mid-seventies . . . this
|
|
girl seduces a truckload of about seven to eight garbage men who take her behind some big
|
|
buildings to a medium sized garbage dump and lay her on a heap of garbage, masturbate in a
|
|
circle, and then ejaculate on her face (yes, each of them in turn) and then leave her lying there
|
|
with her literally cum drenched face on that pile of trash . . . I am sure there have been more
|
|
bizarre, but I just found quite striking the image of her, the pile of garbage, all that spooj, the
|
|
happy garbage men leaving her there on her back on that pile and driving off . . . (and then
|
|
those feminists types always agitate that women should be treated equally and with respect . . .
|
|
.humph . . . this film proves women wanna be treated like shit!)
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 86
|
|
From: lee96 (Lee96)
|
|
Date: Wed, 04 May 94 09:23:30 EDT
|
|
|
|
I'm surprised that no one mentioned the (deceased) king of gross yet [G.G.Allin]. Among other
|
|
things, he's: shoved a banana up his ass and shit it back out in front of a horrified NYU
|
|
audience; given his own brother a blow- job on stage; fucked a dead cat; and many more great
|
|
spectacles which have fortunately been captured on video . . .
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 87
|
|
From: geekus (NO CAREER)
|
|
Date: Wed, 04 May 94 10:53:17 EDT
|
|
|
|
okay, not to be outdone, i am still angling for mostest yucky anecdote. this is a continuation of
|
|
my previous post (what follows took place at the free sexually transmitted disease clinic in santa
|
|
monica, california):
|
|
|
|
so after a couple of days of this baklava leaving a different colored crust du jour in my shorts, i
|
|
go to the std clinic. my turn comes and so i'm standing in an examination room peeling my
|
|
penis off my briefs when this really mean, miserably-dissatisfied-with-her-life doctor comes in.
|
|
we discuss symptoms for a bit, then she sits on a stool, face to face with my greg peck. "open it,"
|
|
she says. "huh, wha?!?" "open it," she repeats, glaring and making a sort of moses parting the red
|
|
sea motion with her fingers. so i do the best that i can, and before i can complete the thought
|
|
"that thing's not meant to be opened," she's jammed a metal swab into my urethra and is
|
|
twirling it around. all events and sensations beyond this point are blurred, though these
|
|
memories will probably all unrepress when i'm 80, driving my neue pinto 2000 on the jersey
|
|
turnpike. i'll slam on the brakes and get rear ended by a tractor trailer hauling soylent clear up
|
|
to rochester.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 89
|
|
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
|
|
Date: Wed, 04 May 94 13:24:28 EDT
|
|
|
|
Long ago and far away, I was struck by the possibility of the "ultimate blow job," which might be
|
|
achieved with the aid of a vacuum cleaner. The regular tube on the cleaner was rather narrow,
|
|
unclean, and rough on the inside, so I made myself an extension: a cardboard tube lined with a
|
|
Baggie and lubricated with Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion.
|
|
|
|
When my organ was suitably hard I inserted it in the tube and switched on the cleaner. Jesus
|
|
Christ! This was one of the most intense and terrifying experiences of my life! I discovered in
|
|
fact that the suction drew my penis out to about fifty percent more than its usual length. At the
|
|
same time, however, it became frighteningly thin. Fortunately I reached an intense orgasm very
|
|
quickly, and withdrew. But my organ dangled lower, and looked skinnier, for days afterward.
|
|
Also, the vacuum cleaner started smelling of old semen and Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion,
|
|
which I found hard to explain to other members of my immediate family.
|
|
|
|
Don't try this at home, kids!
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 90
|
|
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
|
|
Date: Wed, 04 May 94 13:25:28 EDT
|
|
|
|
Since a few degenerates on this forum have brought up the matter of my name, let me now
|
|
address this unfortunate issue.
|
|
|
|
The verb "to felch" was coined, I believe, by motorcycle gang members in the 1960s. It describes
|
|
a perversion in which a person licks semen out of another person's anus (the semen having
|
|
been deposited there during a sex act performed previously by a third party).
|
|
|
|
I have often wondered if the unfortunate meaning of my name is the reason I have had such a
|
|
lifelong obsession with dirty, disgusting behavior. Hardly a week goes by without a phone call
|
|
from some drunk or pervert, asking me "Are you a Felcher?" When I reply in the affirmative, the
|
|
person at the other end of the line invariably says, "Then lick my ass!"
|
|
|
|
It's really very tiresome. Since there are in fact a number of people named Felcher in any large
|
|
city, I do hope that MindVox members will refrain from telephoning them and uttering similar
|
|
obscenities.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 93
|
|
From: bobm (Needs an agent)
|
|
Date: Wed, 04 May 94 20:14:13 EDT
|
|
|
|
geekus (NO CAREER) writes:
|
|
|
|
before i can complete the thought "that thing's not meant to be opened," she's jammed a
|
|
metal swab into my urethra and is twirling it around.
|
|
|
|
I had that test once. I had this horrible urinary tract infection. Felt like I was pissing white hot
|
|
jagged glass. My doctor was out of the office for a couple days and told me to go the emergency
|
|
room to get to sulfa drugs and antibiotics.
|
|
|
|
So I'm in this curtained partition and the nurse hears my symptoms and starts questioning me
|
|
about STDs, partners, etc. I say not a chance. Nothing but latex on this dick for years now. He
|
|
says, "Okay, we'll have to take a couple of tests. First, grab your penis by the base, squeeze up
|
|
and wipe this swab on your urethra to take a culture of any discharge." I say, "No problem, I
|
|
know there's no discharge" and do as he asked. Then he says, "Now this second test . . . " and
|
|
without so much as anything, takes my dick and rams aforementioned metal swab into it for a
|
|
quick twist and pull. I've never screamed "fuck" so loud in all my life. The poor girl getting
|
|
stitches in the area next to me is probably still in therapy after the shock.
|
|
|
|
To add insult to injury, I got a shot of antibiotics so thick that it burned going into the muscle of
|
|
my leg, and hurt so much that I couldn't stand on it for 20 minutes. Then I had to drive home,
|
|
having to lift my leg with my hand in order to clutch in and out.
|
|
|
|
Diagnosis turned out to be non-specific urethritis. All I wanted to do was take a piss that didn't
|
|
hurt.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 95
|
|
From: sherman (Lloyd Hopkins)
|
|
Date: Wed, 04 May 94 20:45:47 EDT
|
|
|
|
I find limericks a pain in the ass so I have a dirty one I use to stop the any impromptu recitals.
|
|
I'll share it with you now.
|
|
|
|
There once was a maid from the Azores
|
|
|
|
Whose vagina was covered with sores
|
|
|
|
The dogs in the street
|
|
|
|
Used to lick the green meat
|
|
|
|
That hung in festoons from her drawers.
|
|
|
|
The nineties twist on felching is to put a shot glass up the persons ass to catch the come for
|
|
consumption.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 97
|
|
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
|
|
Date: Wed, 04 May 94 22:31:30 EDT
|
|
|
|
I was young and naive, new to the Big City, and eager to experience the wonders of promiscuity.
|
|
|
|
There was a young woman, a friend of a friend, who was known (rightly or wrongly) as a total
|
|
slut. Naturally, at the first opportunity, I got her drunk and went home with her.
|
|
|
|
Actually, "home" wasn't the right word; she lived in a kind of residential hotel. The room was so
|
|
dirty and foul, *neither* of us wanted to switch on the light. So, with the aid of a good deal of
|
|
fantasizing, I managed to have sex and even managed to reach a climax. As I was leaving the
|
|
next morning, I thought to myself, "If I'm ever going to catch a venereal disease, this is the time!"
|
|
(Note: this was before the age of AIDS.)
|
|
|
|
Well, I was correct. Within 24 hours, I experienced horrific urinary pain. My prostate felt as if it
|
|
was the size of a tennis ball. When I masturbated in order to relieve the pressure (this is the
|
|
good bit, kids) *green jelly* came out instead of semen!
|
|
|
|
So I went to the city health clinic. By this time I had a big ugly lesion on my penis. I was
|
|
examined, and the doctors looked at each other, and no one said anything. They made me wait
|
|
till all the other patients had gone, and then called me back in. *Everyone* wanted to take a look.
|
|
Finally this old guy (who had clearly spent his life examining genitals) said, "I'm sorry, but we're
|
|
going to have to open it up."
|
|
|
|
So there I was holding my penis, with it twisted around so the underneath part was on top,
|
|
while this geezer gets a sterile needle and *scrapes open the lesion*! Oh, it was really
|
|
interesting! Then after they had it bleeding, they pressed a microscope slide against it, and went
|
|
and examined it.
|
|
|
|
It turned out that they couldn't decide whether I had syphilis or something else. They couldn't
|
|
see any spirochetes so it looked like negative on syphilis--but since they didn't know what else
|
|
it could be, they gave me a monster shot of penicillin anyway. Later I discovered that the woman
|
|
I had slept with had just come back from a tour of all the most primitive, disease- infested
|
|
countries of the Far East and Africa. Who knows what she had picked up. Her name was Bonnie
|
|
Billet; I still think of her from time to time.
|
|
|
|
Never did discover what the disease was. Either it went away, or it will metastasize and rot my
|
|
brain, or it already _has_ metastasized and rotted my brain.
|
|
|
|
The moral of this story, of course, is too obvious to bother mentioning.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 99
|
|
From: gunfury (off the hook)
|
|
Date: Wed, 04 May 94 23:15:18 EDT
|
|
|
|
I went to a prep school that had a great football program. Every summer, around mid-August,
|
|
the new players would come onto campus to start drills for the coming season. Every year, like
|
|
clockwork, we would get a handful of girls from a local all-girls school to show up and check the
|
|
new meat out. The girls were young, pretty, and curious. One year, during my junior year of high
|
|
school, two girls drove up to a bunch of us after a hard day's practice. There were about 8 of us
|
|
in the group, and we were sweaty, grungy and what-not. These girls loved it. They seemed to be
|
|
slightly older than the usual fare that showed up pooning around. The girl who was in the
|
|
driver's seat did all the talking. She made it clear her and her friend wanted to party. I just knew
|
|
at that point, one of us was going to fuck this chick within the next hour or so, maybe even her
|
|
cute friend. I was behind a few of my friends, and didn't hear the last few words of the
|
|
conversation before I saw her drive towards our dorm complex. Bill, who was in the front,
|
|
turned to all of us and said to get some more guys together, and meet him at his room in a half
|
|
hour. All together, about 14 guys showed up in Bill's room. We closed off the floor which was
|
|
easy since football players were the only ones on school grounds. As I climbed up the stairs to
|
|
get to Bill's, I heard loud moans and knew what was happening. This girl was getting the shit
|
|
fucked out of her. [note: she directed the whole thing. She knew everything going on around her.
|
|
She was not drunk, nor was she drinking. That rare species of woman: the nymphomaniac!] Her
|
|
friend was watching for now. A few guys waited outside the room, but a lot of guys were inside
|
|
watching. Everyone fucked this chick, she knew everything and put on a good show. This crazy
|
|
kid Pete wanted to go last. He had convinced the main attraction's friend to join him and we all
|
|
watched this threesome go at it. He was going crazy on the both of them! After doing both of
|
|
them, every way imaginable [here comes the sick part] Pete asked the girl who did everyone
|
|
"What's your name?" (typical). "Lisa", the girl said (also typical). "I like that name", said Pete as he
|
|
proceeded to stick his index finger up Lisa's ass, and pulled out a wet hunk of shit. He butt
|
|
fucked her and pulled out a hunk of shit on his dick. Mind you, I am in the room with a bunch of
|
|
my friends and crying/laughing at this point. It was so surreal, I couldn't believe it was
|
|
happening. Pete walked over to a non- postered wall in Bill's room and with his index finger full
|
|
of shit wrote "LISA" on the wall. We were balling at this point. He yelled over to the other girl,
|
|
"Hey honey come here! What's your name?" "Rebecca." With his shit- covered dick he wrote
|
|
"BECKY" on the wall. He then bent her over in front of the wall and stuck his still shitty dick into
|
|
Beckys ass and pressed her so hard into the wall against her shit written name, she smeared it
|
|
with her body! As this was going on, I looked behind me at Lisa, and she asked some of my
|
|
friends to jerk off and piss on her! Four guys did just that! It was one of the most bizarre events
|
|
of my high school career.
|
|
|
|
They went home late that night. I don't think Becky showered! I told you this forum reminded
|
|
me of days of old! Felcher, you are a fucking genius!
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 107
|
|
From: charles (Charles Platt)
|
|
Date: Thu, 05 May 94 13:10:25 EDT
|
|
|
|
A while ago I interviewed a woman who specializes in crushing things with her feet. The text
|
|
was published in a magazine titled "Leg Show." The woman is entirely for real. I'm not sure how
|
|
offensive it is, but it made _me_ feel vaguely queasy. Here are some excerpts.
|
|
|
|
Miss J: When I was little, I used to step on snails, which was a lot of fun, because the shells
|
|
crunch, and sometimes they pop. And the snail squishes out, almost like a grape. And the
|
|
interesting thing is, there are people out there who love to see me do that. So now I sell my own
|
|
snail-squishing photo sets.
|
|
|
|
Leg Show: What are some other things that you step on? Miss J: I have a video where I trample
|
|
tomatoes and yams with my bare feet. I really love the feeling of applying all of my weight and
|
|
having stuff squish up between my toes. It's quite messy, of course, but that's what submissives
|
|
are for--to lick my feet till they're clean.
|
|
|
|
Leg Show: Do you step on other foods?
|
|
|
|
Miss J: I have photos of my feet in stiletto shoes, crushing hardboiled eggs. I have a set called
|
|
"The Big Mac Attack" where I do a hamburger and fries. In each case, the photos follow a
|
|
sequence, getting messier all the way through.
|
|
|
|
Leg Show: What do you most enjoy stepping on? Miss J: I derive the most pleasure from stepping
|
|
on live victims. It's a power trip, and it's sensual at the same time.
|
|
|
|
Leg Show: Do you leave bruises?
|
|
|
|
Miss J: I danced on the back of one of my slaves one night, wearing the stilettos with the gold
|
|
heels, and the next day he had little round scabs all over his back, which he didn't realize till he
|
|
went to his gym, and people started staring at him and asking what the hell happened.
|
|
|
|
Leg Show: How should our readers get in touch with you? Miss J: They should should write to me
|
|
at 1915-A East Katella Avenue, #150, Orange, CA 92667, enclosing a stamped self-addressed
|
|
envelope. In return, I will send them my photo list and a sample photograph. Then we can go
|
|
from there.
|
|
|
|
Naturally, I take no responsibility for the fate of anyone who decides to make contact with this
|
|
little monster.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 109
|
|
From: catfood (incoherent)
|
|
Date: Thu, 05 May 94 13:35:40 EDT
|
|
|
|
One afternoon, GG Allin wandered into the record store where I used to work. He was trying to
|
|
get us to stock his new album.
|
|
|
|
Would've been business as usual, had he not been covered head-to-toe in half-dried shit.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 110
|
|
From: catfood (incoherent)
|
|
Date: Thu, 05 May 94 13:40:45 EDT
|
|
|
|
What's the oddest thing you've ever heard of anyone stuffing up their anal orifice? An intern
|
|
friend of mine told me one time that during a stint in the ER, he actually had to pull a light bulb
|
|
outta somebody's ass.
|
|
|
|
Quite tricky, that . . .
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 111
|
|
From: otto (Bob Otto Barnes)
|
|
Date: Thu, 05 May 94 14:02:44 EDT
|
|
|
|
The following is the _Unusual Case_ column from the July 1991 issue of the trade magazine
|
|
"Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality,"
|
|
|
|
by William A. Morton, Jr.
|
|
|
|
Scrotum Self-Repair
|
|
|
|
One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a
|
|
patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he "needed a doctor who
|
|
took care of men's troubles." The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously
|
|
uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry
|
|
red and black- and-blue scrotal skin.
|
|
|
|
After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and
|
|
two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was
|
|
swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration,
|
|
oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.
|
|
|
|
Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark
|
|
linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had
|
|
injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration himself
|
|
with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in
|
|
putting up wallboard.
|
|
|
|
We x-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the hospital; and gave
|
|
him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths
|
|
prior to surgery the next morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of
|
|
the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were
|
|
trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the
|
|
spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels ligated properly,
|
|
though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and-through Penrose drains were
|
|
sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed.
|
|
|
|
Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital less than a week later,
|
|
the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the
|
|
machine shop at lunchtime with his coworkers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular
|
|
practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large
|
|
floor-based piece of machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration
|
|
and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum became caught between the pulley-wheel
|
|
and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had
|
|
lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and
|
|
resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self-gratification.
|
|
|
|
[William A. Morton is a retired urologist residing in West Chester, Pennsylvania.]
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 112
|
|
From: feline (Rejected!)
|
|
Date: Thu, 05 May 94 14:42:42 EDT
|
|
|
|
So a famous newscaster at actions news in Philly went to the ER where my friend's mom worked
|
|
. . .
|
|
|
|
He had a gerbil stuck up his ass.
|
|
|
|
See, you're supposed to take the gerbil and stick it into a paper towel tube shoved into the
|
|
orifice. The gerbil then wiggles his way up your asshole, which some sick people seem to enjoy . .
|
|
.
|
|
|
|
Of course, you're supposed to remove the teeth and claws of the animal first, so you can get him
|
|
out easily . . .
|
|
|
|
Apparently, the newscaster had forgotten this last, important step . . . and the bugger decided
|
|
he like it in there and was holding on for dear life.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 113
|
|
From: catfood (incoherent)
|
|
Date: Thu, 05 May 94 14:57:26 EDT
|
|
|
|
Reminds me of a torture technique I'd heard the Nazis used. A metal tube is placed up a
|
|
person's anus, into which is placed a live rat, then sealed. This end of the tube is then heated to
|
|
a point at which the rat decides it is in his best interest to exit the situation--usually by eating
|
|
his way out the other open end.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 116
|
|
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
|
|
Date: Thu, 05 May 94 17:19:08 EDT
|
|
|
|
"My Thing About Vomit" by Ralph T. Castle [Reprint of a confessional published in the 1970s.]
|
|
PART ONE: The Early Days
|
|
|
|
It may seem perverse, even to readers of this newspaper, that anyone could have a fetish about
|
|
vomit. On the few occasions when I have confessed my special interest in this subject, I have
|
|
been told, flatly, that it is disgusting and there is something wrong with me. But ever since I was
|
|
sixteen years old I have been aware that there can be special erotic feelings linked to vomiting,
|
|
and the act has become part of my favorite sexual fantasies.
|
|
|
|
It all started when I was sixteen, with some teenage friends outside the school auditorium
|
|
where a typically boring dance was taking place. In the space of three hours I managed to drink
|
|
three-quarters of a gallon of wine (with frequent pauses to piss against the wall). I became too
|
|
drunk to stand.I then are a whole packet of Ritz crackers, and then started throwing up. I will
|
|
always remember the almost creamy consistency of the vomit resulting from the crackers
|
|
dissolved in the wine and stomach juices. My friends were disgusted to see me literally rolling
|
|
around in my vomit, as if I were getting off on it in some way. What they didn't notice was that,
|
|
as drunk as I was, the experience gave me an erection. In fact I think I might even have reached
|
|
orgasm, but I passed out soon after the stomach spasms were over.
|
|
|
|
I thought about this experience a lot and realized it was the primal thrill of gushing, of giving
|
|
forth, which turned me on. It was like ejaculating but much more dramatic. And vomiting
|
|
brought me into an intimate contact with the juices of my body that were normally contained
|
|
and hidden. This, and the sense of turning myself inside-out, was exciting.
|
|
|
|
So I tried to make myself vomit again, a few days later, while sober this time. Unfortunately, it
|
|
has never been easy for me to vomit. I had to keep prodding the back of my throat with my
|
|
finger, and when I finally managed to bring up a mere cup full of vomit the muscle spasms
|
|
(which I had hardly noticed while I was drunk) were so painful that they ruined the experience
|
|
for me.
|
|
|
|
Consequently I abandoned the subject for a while, though I retained a special interest in any
|
|
movies which showed people vomiting, and I thought about it quite a bit.
|
|
|
|
Then, when I was at college, I was dating a girl who was a yoga student and claimed to have
|
|
mental control of all bodily functions. I suddenly said, "I bet you couldn't make yourself vomit
|
|
just by thinking about it," and as I spoke I had a vivid image of the juices flowing from her
|
|
mouth, and I realized, rather guiltily, how much it would excite me to see this and, if possible,
|
|
touch and taste her vomit as it came out.
|
|
|
|
She was a competitive person, so she accepted my challenge--provided that I would promise to
|
|
take her out to dinner afterward (!). She went into the bathroom and kneeled down with her
|
|
head over the toilet. For the next fifteen minutes there was an endless, tantalizing series of
|
|
stomach spasms as she tried to will herself to vomit. I crouched with my arm around her, my
|
|
hand surreptitiously touching her breast. I felt unbearable anticipation mixed with fear, as if
|
|
something forbidden and dangerous was about to happen. And then, finally, she did it. I saw the
|
|
rich brown liquid flow out of her very pretty mouth. Then, while she was still gasping for breath,
|
|
I couldn't stop myself from seizing her and kissing her passionately, so that I could taste the
|
|
vomit. I pushed my tongue into her mouth and the tip of it touched little food particles and
|
|
partially digested remnants of the lunch she had eaten with me just a few hours earlier. The
|
|
intimacy was beyond anything I had experienced with her in our relationship.
|
|
|
|
However, to her the whole experience was repellent, and she pushed me away, saying that there
|
|
must be something wrong with me. She refused ever to vomit for me again, and stopped seeing
|
|
me soon after that. My biggest regret was that I hadn't asked her to vomit into a dish; as it was,
|
|
she had quickly flushed the toilet, taking all the evidence of the special moment away.
|
|
|
|
I found it predictably difficult to meet any other women who shared my interests. A year or so
|
|
later I was seeing a very overweight girl who had tried every slimming diet there was. I
|
|
suggested hopefully to her that if she made herself vomit after dinner each night, she would
|
|
quickly lose weight. She didn't like the idea, so I had to keep insisting on it, telling her rather
|
|
cruelly how fat she was.
|
|
|
|
[Will our humble narrator find lasting bliss with his tubby new friend? Stay tuned for the next
|
|
exciting episode of this confession, supplied by your dedicated moderator.]
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 117
|
|
From: reive (quilted violets)
|
|
Date: Thu, 05 May 94 17:43:48 EDT
|
|
|
|
I was at a bar with some friends and one guy is like I gotta puke, so we thought he would get up
|
|
and go puke but he reaches across the table for my empty glass and vomits neatly into it. Then
|
|
he reaches for someone else's glass and does the same. And then we all sorta sat there staring
|
|
at it in awe.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 124
|
|
From: lee96 (Lee96)
|
|
Date: Thu, 05 May 94 19:47:36 EDT
|
|
|
|
My old math teacher worked in an emergency room in San Francisco. He told us that they had a
|
|
guy come in who had lubed up a fluorescent light tube, shoved it in his ass and of course the
|
|
fucker burst, sending slivers deep in his rectum. Of course his body also absorbed the gas
|
|
contained in the the tube . . . Duh!?! Does anyone know if the whole "gerbilism" thing is for real
|
|
or just urban myth? I always wondered about that one . . .
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 131
|
|
From: speed (Crucial Taunt)
|
|
Date: Fri, 06 May 94 01:43:17 EDT
|
|
|
|
I had a GF who was pogoing around her room w/ her walkman on full blast; anyway, she really
|
|
got into it then she felt something wet on her bare foot and she looked around and saw that she
|
|
had crushed the skull of her new kitten and that the wet stuff was its brain on her foot.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 132
|
|
From: speed (Crucial Taunt)
|
|
Date: Fri, 06 May 94 01:57:36 EDT
|
|
|
|
one night I went to the Tunnel (a first date) to see Karen Finley and she stuffed canned yams up
|
|
her ass and shit them out onto our table, well she was done and there we were with our two free
|
|
open bar drinks and a hot pile of her yam shit on the table w/us
|
|
|
|
"Time to dance"
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 134
|
|
From: charles (Charles Platt)
|
|
Date: Fri, 06 May 94 13:23:39 EDT
|
|
|
|
Does anyone have any tampon stories? Tampons interest me because they rouse such mixed
|
|
feelings in both males and females. No one seems entirely comfortable with the idea of heavily
|
|
blood-soaked tampons . . .
|
|
|
|
With one exception: cats love them. We have a cat which will dig a used tampon out from under
|
|
any amount of other bathroom trash. The cat then thoroughly chews the tampon, presumably
|
|
under the impression that it is a helpless (bloody) woodland creature.
|
|
|
|
Since infants acquire the ability to eat meat long before they acquire social inhibitions, it seems
|
|
to me that a child of maybe 18 months would happily suck on a used tampon, if it had the
|
|
chance to do so.
|
|
|
|
Any first-hand experience in this area?
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 135
|
|
From: reive (quilted violets)
|
|
Date: Fri, 06 May 94 13:31:59 EDT
|
|
|
|
A friend of mine told me that early in his residency he dealt with a woman who was admitted to
|
|
the hospital complaining of abdominal cramps. It turns out she had been using tampons and no
|
|
one told her they had to be removed before inserting a new one. She had about 20 up there and
|
|
this had been going on for about a week, when she showed up at the emergency room.
|
|
|
|
And you believe in children as social experiment don't you Mr. Platt?
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 140
|
|
From: reive (quilted violets)
|
|
Date: Fri, 06 May 94 14:51:52 EDT
|
|
|
|
My same doctor friend also once treated a woman who came in because of vaginal itching; she
|
|
was concerned she had an STD. Upon investigation he found maggots nesting inside her.
|
|
Apparently her BF like to insert food in her and then eat it out. Unfortunately, he wasn't very
|
|
thorough.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 141
|
|
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
|
|
Date: Fri, 06 May 94 15:03:24 EDT
|
|
|
|
Important Announcement
|
|
|
|
Following a high-level conference with one of the founders of MindVox, I have been given the
|
|
go-ahead to offer a special award which will be reserved exclusively for participants here in the
|
|
Fuck-You forum.
|
|
|
|
*The Golden Turd Award*
|
|
|
|
Once a month, this unique award will be given to the writer of the most *offensive* post in each
|
|
of three categories:
|
|
|
|
1. True Confession or Anecdote
|
|
|
|
2. Medical Description
|
|
|
|
3. Insult
|
|
|
|
You may be wondering what, exactly, the Golden Turd trophy will consist of. Will it be a genuine
|
|
human turd? In which case, how can it be golden? Will it be a golden *replica* of a turd, or a
|
|
plastic novelty that has been painted gold, or just a picture of a turd, or some other second-rate
|
|
ripoff?
|
|
|
|
First let me assure you that the Golden Turd Award will *not, repeat not* be a second-rate
|
|
ripoff. The Golden Turd will be an item of lasting value, lovingly packaged for display in a
|
|
transparent acrylic case. More than this I am reluctant to say. I would like the Golden Turd
|
|
Award to have a legendary, numinous, grail-like purity. I would cheapen it by describing it in
|
|
any more detail.
|
|
|
|
There have already been some highly memorable posts, here, and I can see that the competition
|
|
for this award is likely to be fierce. Therefore, in each category there will also be two runners-up
|
|
whose names will be enshrined in a roll of honor in this forum.
|
|
|
|
I will be the judge of this contest, in consultation with the owners of MindVox. Maybe this seems
|
|
a bit high-handed, but since I'm the one who is getting his hands dirty, so to speak, actually
|
|
creating the Golden Turd trophies, I figure I should have something to say about who wins
|
|
them. And if this arrangement doesn't meet with your approval--well, fuck you!
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 157
|
|
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
|
|
Date: Fri, 06 May 94 21:07:05 EDT
|
|
|
|
"My Thing About Vomit" by Ralph T. Castle PART TWO: Fulfillment!
|
|
|
|
Finally she agreed to my plan, just once. This time I prepared properly for the scene. I covered
|
|
the kitchen table with a towel, and I set a large white porcelain mixing bowl in the center. I
|
|
draped another towel across my girlfriend's large breasts, as a napkin. She looked as if she was
|
|
about to enjoy a feast--except that the bowl was empty, and in fact she was about to PROVIDE
|
|
the feast!
|
|
|
|
She tried to back out at the last minute, and it was I who had to touch the back of her
|
|
throat--an act which seemed just as erotic, to me, as pushing my finger into a woman's vagina.
|
|
While I tickled her throat with one hand, I masturbated surreptitiously under the table with my
|
|
other hand, and when she finally threw up I came at almost the same moment, in a mutual rush
|
|
of juices that made me flinch and cry out, the spasms were so intense.
|
|
|
|
Luckily, she was too aware of her own discomfort to realize what was happening to me. By the
|
|
time she recovered herself and wiped away the dribbles of vomit from her chin, I had mopped
|
|
up the evidence of my orgasm and was quickly clearing away the bowl of liquid. I had quietly
|
|
stage-managed her diet during that day, insisting that she ate a lot of beets for dinner, and
|
|
some rare roast beef--so that when the vomit came up, it would be a very pretty purple-pink
|
|
color.
|
|
|
|
That night, I waited for her to go to sleep, and then I crept out to the kitchen and poured her
|
|
vomit into a large glass jar. I brought the jar back into our bedroom and stood it on the bedside
|
|
table. It gave me a very special guilty thrill to go to sleep beside her with that jar of her very
|
|
essence, captured and bottled, standing close by. I felt I had stolen away something altogether
|
|
more precious than any act of a normal sexual nature would have given me.
|
|
|
|
Unfortunately she woke before I did and when she saw what I had done, she was so disgusted
|
|
she terminated our involvement immediately. It was all I could do to stop her grabbing the jar of
|
|
vomit and pouring it away. Later, I confess I indulged in a very perverse act: I used some of the
|
|
vomit as lubricant on my hands, and masturbated with it. I remember how the white come
|
|
looked amid the sticky purplish vomit--which, by this time, was actually beginning to turn
|
|
brown, since I discovered vomit does not keep for very long, even when refrigerated. It goes
|
|
brown and starts smelling very bad.
|
|
|
|
In the next few weeks I tried again to make myself vomit, now that I realized how arousing the
|
|
whole subject could be. But the act was as physically painful as ever, and in any case it was a
|
|
poor substitute compared to what I had experienced with my girlfriend.
|
|
|
|
So I turned to prostitutes. Inevitably, they refused to have anything to do with me, when I told
|
|
them what I wanted. Their attitude was that they would do various kind of perverted sex, if they
|
|
were paid enough, but vomiting was nothing to do with sex. It was plain disgusting, and they
|
|
couldn't do it no matter how much they were paid. Actually, I think it was simply that any
|
|
person, no matter how degenerate he or she is, needs to find someone else in the world they
|
|
can despise for being even more degenerate. And that's why the prostitutes despised me rather
|
|
than cooperate with what I wanted.
|
|
|
|
Then I had a stroke of good fortune. By a complete fluke--a wrong number phone call, in
|
|
fact--I met a girl called Tina who had come to the city from the Midwest, thinking she could get
|
|
rich here. She had gotten very disillusioned, had ended up selling encyclopedias door to door,
|
|
had even failed at that, and when I met her she was broke and hopeless, living in a sleazy little
|
|
apartment in a very bad neighborhood.
|
|
|
|
Tina turned out to be one of the least attractive women I had ever met. When we talked on the
|
|
phone she sounded sexy, but when I saw her I found she had extremely bad acne, her face
|
|
looked perpetually blank (her mouth literally tended to hang half open), and she was incapable
|
|
of keeping up any sort of intelligent conversation.
|
|
|
|
My first impulse was to try and leave as tactfully as possible. However, she mentioned that, in
|
|
addition to all her other troubles, she had gotten pregnant. One thing came into my head at this
|
|
point: MORNING SICKNESS!
|
|
|
|
[Will our humble narrator enter into a blissful union with Tina, as she pukes her guts out each
|
|
morning? Stay tuned for the final "sick" installment submitted for your edification by your
|
|
humble moderator.]
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 158
|
|
From: sheimp (SheImp)
|
|
Date: Sat, 07 May 94 02:29:23 EDT
|
|
|
|
I just got back from path lab, here are the fun things we played with: A hand that was obscured
|
|
by the basal cell carcinoma. Just the hand. In a jar. It had been amputated.
|
|
|
|
A teratoma. What you get when your gonadal cells decide to go ape shit. Basically a tumor with
|
|
hair, and teeth, and skin and bone, but in no human- like arrangement.
|
|
|
|
A leg (actually a couple of them) which had been amputated for various reasons, mostly cancer.
|
|
You could see the toenails and the skin.
|
|
|
|
Part of a nose and an eyeball that had to be cut out because of cancer. It was still connected
|
|
together. Not much left to the eyeball, the inside jello-stuff was all gone.
|
|
|
|
The hand really was the creepiest, I kept wondering if the guy that it used to belong to missed it.
|
|
Or knew it was in a jar somewhere. The fingernails were nicely cut, unfortunately he decided to
|
|
let the big ol ulcerating cancer hang around for 7 years or so.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 160
|
|
From: galt (Skenderbeg)
|
|
Date: Sat, 07 May 94 05:24:26 EDT
|
|
|
|
when I was in histology lab in undergrad, we had this jar of cut-up human skin in
|
|
formaldehyde. I noticed once that there were some greenish markings on them so I removed
|
|
them to examine. By the time I had finished, I had in front of me a jigsaw puzzle made of
|
|
human flesh depicting a really cool Harley-Davidson tattoo.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 161
|
|
From: luke (Meddle)
|
|
Date: Sat, 07 May 94 09:49:43 EDT
|
|
|
|
My parents tell me a story of sneaking around the bio dept. at Yale in the late sixties--my mom
|
|
wanted to see a corpse and my dad had keys, so . . .
|
|
|
|
Anyway they're in the meat locker surrounded by your usual assortment of Nasty Stuff (hands
|
|
and feet and fetuses etc. in jars) and they are walking around goggling at stuff when my dad
|
|
trips over a big white bucket on the floor which contains a human head which decided to spill
|
|
out of the bucket along with the gallon or two of preservant which coated the bottom of mom's
|
|
pant legs. Needless to say they ran like hell.
|
|
|
|
I can only guess that he did not take her to dinner afterwards.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 163
|
|
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
|
|
Date: Sat, 07 May 94 14:03:30 EDT
|
|
|
|
"My Thing About Vomit" by Ralph T. Castle PART THREE: The Thrill of Morning Sickness
|
|
|
|
To my great excitement I learned that Tina was, in fact, suffering from morning sickness, and
|
|
since it had only recently started, she expected it would go on for another couple of weeks. So I
|
|
decided I had to spend that night with her, even though I found her physically repulsive. She
|
|
had no objection--she seemed to have no will of her own, in fact, which excited me, because it
|
|
implied I might persuade her to vomit for me more than once.
|
|
|
|
I spent a very difficult night with her, and was only able to have sex by closing my eyes and
|
|
picturing what delights dawn would bring. Then I woke in the morning and felt her slipping out
|
|
of bed to go to the bathroom. I ran after her, just in time to stop her closing the bathroom door.
|
|
I insisted she should vomit into the sink, not the toilet. She tried to resist, but I just took charge,
|
|
and she was too submissive and too overcome by nausea to do much about it.
|
|
|
|
I managed to put the stopper into the drain while her stomach heaved, and then, gloriously, all
|
|
the juices flowed. There was not a lot, because most of the food in her stomach had been
|
|
digested and moved down into the intestines during the night. However, to my eyes the liquid
|
|
that did come up had an almost golden color, and I marveled that it looked so attractive to me,
|
|
while she, the vessel from which the liquid flowed, was so ugly!
|
|
|
|
As soon as she had vomited I kissed her deeply and savored the bitter taste. Then, wanting to
|
|
see how far she would go, I asked her to suck my cock. She agreed rather reluctantly, and
|
|
kneeled down on the bathroom floor. The idea of her mouth, wet with bile and stomach juices,
|
|
around my cock, was so erotic that I came almost immediately.
|
|
|
|
After my orgasm I asked her to leave me alone in the bathroom for a few minutes. When she
|
|
had gone, I locked the door. I then found a sponge, soaked it in the vomit, and rubbed it all over
|
|
my naked body. This brought back my feelings of sexual arousal and within minutes I was
|
|
masturbating to another orgasm, wrapping the vomit-wet sponge around my cock as I came.
|
|
|
|
From then on I spent every night with Tina. She soon suspected that all I really cared about were
|
|
our morning sessions, but she was such a lonely person she never refused me. After all, I was
|
|
just about her only friend, and I gave her money and brought food each time I visited her.
|
|
I, of course, was experiencing pure bliss. I told Tina that she had not been eating enough, and
|
|
she should have a midnight snack before she went to bed each night. By this ruse, I was able to
|
|
increase the volume of the vomit that she produced each morning, and I was also able to alter
|
|
its color and taste, though not very predictably. One morning after she vomited, I touched it
|
|
with my finger and licked it, and it tasted so special to me it seemed too good to waste. So I
|
|
bottled that morning's batch and insisted on cooking dinner that night--a beef stew, into which
|
|
I slipped at least a cup full of the vomit I had saved. Actually the culinary experiment did not
|
|
work very well; the result wasn't very nice. But the idea of what I had done still delighted me. We
|
|
were both consuming Tina's essential juices, even though she didn't know it.
|
|
|
|
Her morning sickness ended soon after that, and she summoned enough courage to refuse me
|
|
when I hinted that she should force herself to continue vomiting just for me.
|
|
|
|
So I left Tina, and for the past couple of years there has been no one willing to satisfy my
|
|
particular desires. This is a pity because there are many more kinky things I would like to do.
|
|
For instance, if I ever met a woman who shared my fetish I would have her wear a small glass
|
|
vial on a thin gold chain around her neck, and in the vial would be a little sample of her vomit,
|
|
which we would renew each day. It would be like a window into her inner workings, her essence.
|
|
It would also be a very special and exciting secret between us, as to what the liquid was.
|
|
|
|
Also I would like to experiment more with different diets to produce different colors and
|
|
textures of vomit, with different aromas and tastes. And I would be interested in
|
|
group-vomiting experiments. These are just a few of the many topics which come to mind.
|
|
|
|
I do not know why I have this special obsession. I have no other special needs, and my sex life is
|
|
otherwise normal enough. I know I would dearly love to meet anyone else who has a similar
|
|
interest in this much misunderstood subject, so that we could explore it together and satisfy
|
|
each other in the process.
|
|
|
|
[This text was originally published about 15 years ago. There is no information on the fate of the
|
|
author since then, so please, all you girls looking for someone who'll really appreciate your
|
|
puke, save your energy--do not write to me asking for Mr. Castle's address and phone number.]
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 165
|
|
From: tice (ntice)
|
|
Date: Sat, 07 May 94 16:53:59 EDT
|
|
|
|
The stories of objects found up people's asses are entirely true. In my short career I've seen
|
|
coke bottles, cigar cases, extremely large dildos, glasses and other assorted objects. We also had
|
|
guy brought in one night because he cut off his own testicles.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 166
|
|
From: andygee (the solution)
|
|
Date: Sat, 07 May 94 17:40:49 EDT
|
|
|
|
tice (ntice) writes:
|
|
|
|
The stories of objects found up people's asses are entirely true . . . We also had guy brought in
|
|
one night because he cut off his own testicles.
|
|
|
|
sure, but did he shove them up his ass?
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 171
|
|
From: nicki (me and slowdog)
|
|
Date: Sun, 08 May 94 10:09:59 EDT
|
|
|
|
Last night I projectile puked a mass of lobster bisque (the only thing I had eaten that day; I had
|
|
had it for breakfast). Mostly it was lobster bisque but also there was one hot dog in it. Plus all
|
|
the wine! It was quite red. The puke, that is. Cause I had eaten only red things all day!!! It was
|
|
really cool, it looked like godzilla's radiation breath coming out of me!!!! Whhhaaarggghh!!!!!
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 186
|
|
From: charles (Charles Platt)
|
|
Date: Mon, 09 May 94 17:22:46 EDT
|
|
|
|
My friend (who wishes to be known as Allison) saw a couple of the posts in this forum and
|
|
spontaneously provided the following account:
|
|
|
|
"Guys won't think this is disgusting, but I was out one night and I had a blazer on, and all night
|
|
my tits were itching. It was a fancy, expensive blazer, and it had a filling, between the face of the
|
|
jacket and the lining, made of some kind of thin fibers. And that was what really made my
|
|
boobs itch. At night, when I finally got home and was pretty drunk, I took everything off and
|
|
was trying to get to sleep on the couch. But my right tit was still really itching, especially the
|
|
nipple. So since I was drunk, I was fumbling around in the dark, trying to find a light switch to
|
|
see if I had a rash or irritation. I turned on the light and I was in front of the mirror and I saw
|
|
that there was a black spot right in the middle of my nipple, like a pinprick. So I touched the
|
|
spot, and when I touched it, it made me jump. It stung. I grabbed onto this thing, which I
|
|
thought was a piece of dirt, and one of these jacket fibers was slowly coming out from my
|
|
nipple, and it was a full inch long. And if this doesn't gross you out, guys, just imagine it was in
|
|
your penis."
|
|
|
|
--From Allison of Brooklyn
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 187
|
|
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
|
|
Date: Mon, 09 May 94 18:06:19 EDT
|
|
|
|
I have just received email from tice, who promises to contribute a story from her extensive
|
|
medical experience, describing a man who removed _and_ ate his own eyeball. Sounds like a
|
|
Golden Turd nominee to me.
|
|
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|
|
Post: 190
|
|
From: simonm (Jeff Smith)
|
|
Date: Mon, 09 May 94 20:24:36 EDT
|
|
|
|
It is perfectly possible to fuck with a tampon in, especially if you are using juniors, as long as
|
|
you don't insist on full penetration.
|
|
|
|
In fact, there's a kinda nice effect, since it absorbs some of the extra lubrication . . . if you like
|
|
that dry-fuck feeling . . .
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 191
|
|
From: mrbass (Bill Bass)
|
|
Date: Mon, 09 May 94 20:39:09 EDT
|
|
|
|
I don't know about anyone here, but i think *I have the smelliest nasty disgusting feet in the
|
|
world.* shure, they smell and look great when they are out of these boat shoes I have worn for
|
|
years with no socks, but when they are in there, whoooooo nellie, they *reek.*
|
|
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|
|
Post: 209
|
|
From: galt (Skenderbeg)
|
|
Date: Mon, 09 May 94 23:25:03 EDT
|
|
|
|
When I was in army advanced training in texas, some guys decided to have a zit contest once.
|
|
For a whole month, they picked a special zit somewhere on their body and proceeded to succor
|
|
and nurture it to full plenitude. The guy who ended up winning had a special training routine.
|
|
He would rub it with baby oil throughout the day, and thump it lightly to irritate it and spread
|
|
the staph infection to multiple pores deep within the skin. The day of the decision, the actual
|
|
pus dome was about 2 mm across. The entire tip of his nose was red. When he finally expressed
|
|
the contents, the core of the solidified pus and sebum flew about 1.25 meters. Later that day he
|
|
developed blood poisoning and was taken to the hospital. None of us ever saw him again but we
|
|
heard he had to have ost of the tip of his nose amputated and replaced with cartilage from his
|
|
ear.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 210
|
|
From: dsharp (david sharp)
|
|
Date: Mon, 09 May 94 23:32:37 EDT
|
|
|
|
ft. sam!
|
|
|
|
at ft. sam we had one "sgt bozo" (that was his name) who would check the cleanliness of the
|
|
toilets by running his bare finger under the inner top rim of the bowl. if it came out brown he'd
|
|
say "looks like shit." then he'd smell it and say "smells like shit" then he'd stick his finger in his
|
|
mouth and say "tastes like shit. I HATE SHIT!!"
|
|
|
|
and write up whoever was responsible.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 214
|
|
From: speed (Crucial Taunt)
|
|
Date: Tue, 10 May 94 03:54:46 EDT
|
|
|
|
Bass (deleted) writes:
|
|
|
|
> then my bud bran, the only gal present, just had to say "i've known some guys to like it on the rag"
|
|
|
|
Are you kidding? I love to eat menstrual blood, do it whenever I can, in fact, on two different
|
|
first dates.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 215
|
|
From: speed (Crucial Taunt)
|
|
Date: Tue, 10 May 94 04:17:12 EDT
|
|
|
|
Years ago, I was a junkie, and I was shooting this "poison dope from Iran." The story on the
|
|
street was that The Ayatollah was poisoning the dope to destroy American Youth (like Heroin
|
|
wasn't enuff?) Anyway it was the best stuff by far, but it was killing bunches of people every day
|
|
. . . well I didn't care I kept shooting it and getting abscesses all over my arms really big ones.
|
|
|
|
I used to pop the scabs and shoot pus across the room, ounces of it. To try and clean it up I
|
|
squirted whole tubes of A&D ointment into them and then squirted this out too; squirting was
|
|
effected by bending the arm and making a muscle, it would squirt right from the fold. There was
|
|
lots and lots of brownish, greenish, yellowish pus. and on my wrist it had eaten into my flesh
|
|
and the vein so that i could just pick off the scab and shoot into the broken end of the vein w/o
|
|
a needle, just the syringe barrel.
|
|
|
|
I didn't mind this so much, then.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 216
|
|
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
|
|
Date: Tue, 10 May 94 10:08:14 EDT
|
|
|
|
I suppose I should contribute my experience at the Bizarre Theater. This was a one-time
|
|
coat-hangar factory which used to be located on West 19th Street in Manhattan. The
|
|
management presented it as an S&M club, although they hadn't changed the decor at all--the
|
|
ceiling was of tin plate, there were pipes and dangling conduits, and everything was ancient and
|
|
filthy.
|
|
|
|
As I arrived, an aging dominatrix was on an improvised stage, with rolls of fat bulging out of a
|
|
gold lame corset. She was beating up a cringing middle-aged black man, using a wire brush to
|
|
open up a gash on his buttocks which started bleeding freely. He had a dildo strapped into his
|
|
mouth and Christmas baubles tied around his penis. His scrotum was lassoed with a rope which
|
|
ran to a noose around his neck, forcing him to hunch forward with his chin near his balls. The
|
|
dominatrix then dripped hot wax into the bloody wound she had created, made another wound
|
|
and poured alcohol into that, then used a lash to remove the congealed wax, made the man lie
|
|
in his back with his feet in the air, and beat the soles of his feet with a heavy cane.
|
|
|
|
A man in the audience suddenly jumped up and ran to the toilet, which was a small cubicle
|
|
separated from the audience area by a thin plywood partition. We could clearly hear him puking.
|
|
"He can's stand the sight of blood," muttered the woman who was with him. She too turned out
|
|
to be a dominatrix (I talked to her after the show) but she was disgusted by the spectacle on
|
|
stage, since she preferred to dominate her slave with greater finesse. "For instance," she told
|
|
me, "when I use a dildo in a scene, I ALWAYS put a rubber on it first."
|
|
|
|
Meanwhile the woman on stage had finished with her male slave, and started with a meek young
|
|
woman. She made her lie down and masturbate, but told her not to reach orgasm, "because you
|
|
don't have orgasms. You're a girl. You disgust me." The dominatrix then straddled the young
|
|
woman, spat in her face, and pissed all over her.
|
|
|
|
All this time, there was music playing in the background--a compilation of Beatles favorites.
|
|
During the urination, I seem to remember that Paul McCartney was warbling about "Michelle, ma
|
|
belle."
|
|
|
|
Finally, the female slave was told to mop up the puddles of urine on stage by sitting in them.
|
|
"But it's not just urine, it's blood as well," she complained. "Shut up and mop it with your ass,
|
|
whatever it is," she was told.
|
|
|
|
The Bizarre Theater didn't stay in business long, probably because it made too many people
|
|
puke. But I must admit, I treasure the memory of my visit.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 221
|
|
From: speed (Crucial Taunt)
|
|
Date: Tue, 10 May 94 16:05:42 EDT
|
|
|
|
felcher (Jim Felcher) writes:
|
|
|
|
> I'd just like to thank galt and speed for their fine posts about festering sores. It's text like this
|
|
> that lightens the humdrum load of everyday life.
|
|
|
|
> speed, would you say that your experience was typical of many junkies?
|
|
|
|
No, although I can tell you of two other stories that leap to mind there was a guy who went to
|
|
my methadone clinic (we called him Joe Namath) who had both hands permanently blown up to
|
|
the size and shape of footballs. He could use them though, but they were huge, I do not
|
|
exaggerate
|
|
|
|
Also there was a dope hotel on 125th street, where you had to show tracks and pay a dollar to
|
|
get in. They were always suspicious of me cause I was white and they thought I was a cop a lot,
|
|
till they saw my abscesses then they'd say step right in. Anyway there was this guy in a room, I
|
|
used to sit there with him for a long time, he'd keep you there cause of the company. He
|
|
couldn't walk at all, his two feet were the shape and color and texture of old tree trunks and
|
|
they used to run w/ pus and fluid where they'd crack open.
|
|
|
|
This man had never seen a doctor I'm sure any M.D. would've lopped those things off in a
|
|
second. Instead he'd just wipe 'em down a bit w/alcohol and half-assedly wrap 'em in gauze. He
|
|
had all these lackeys who'd do all his running around for him. His dope gave him the power he
|
|
needed to sustain an immobile lifestyle. when I say immobile, I mean that in all the months,
|
|
maybe years I went there I never saw him in any position but one, propped on the edge of the
|
|
bed in front of a b&w tv which was always on.
|
|
|
|
Me, I watched tv too.
|
|
|
|
I think the main thing that makes my story atypical is that I'm tellin' it 13 years later
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 223
|
|
From: gorelord (Euronymous)
|
|
Date: Tue, 10 May 94 18:34:31 EDT
|
|
|
|
Something what happened in my bio lab. We had to dissect a fetal pig to study their fascinating
|
|
immature organs inside their pale-yellow corpses. We did the whole thing of a tray to which the
|
|
body is attached with steel pins as we carved up its interior. So one guy walks with his tray and
|
|
someone pushes him. He manages to keep the tray with the skin still attached to it but all
|
|
insides fall out in a shower of really stinky preservatives. People around jumped and jerked
|
|
away stepping all over scattered innards making a nice, greenish mess on the floor, someone
|
|
had to remove brains from his sneaker afterwards.
|
|
|
|
I don't remember if fetal intestines were ever found,
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 230
|
|
From: kayotae (Kayotae Blackwolf)
|
|
Date: Tue, 10 May 94 21:26:05 EDT
|
|
|
|
When I was a volunteer with the Stuyvesant First Aid Squad we got one call for "major injuries."
|
|
EMS wouldn't extrapolate further but we raced to the call to find a lady bleeding all over the
|
|
place who had tried to abort her fetus with a Dustbuster Plus. It worked!
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 233
|
|
From: kayotae (Kayotae Blackwolf)
|
|
Date: Tue, 10 May 94 22:05:08 EDT
|
|
|
|
A friend of mine, a female zoophile, once had to call the local First Aid Squad when she was in
|
|
the house alone and was "tied" to her dog. The tightness of her vagina wouldn't allow the blood
|
|
to flow out of her dog's cock so his bulb wouldn't go down (those of you currently clueless go
|
|
check out a canine anatomy book). They had no idea what to do. They eventually called a vet
|
|
and the dog was sedated. She never faced any legal problems (not illegal in Colorado [where she
|
|
lived]) but she had to move 'cuz all her neighbors found out.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 237
|
|
From: hotstuff (sexy)
|
|
Date: Tue, 10 May 94 23:00:01 EDT
|
|
|
|
Anyone ever play "cheese and crackers". When I was growing up, a bunch of us (guys) got
|
|
together to play "cheese and crackers". The object of the game is to jerk off and come on a
|
|
saltine cracker, and the last one to get off *has to eat all the other crackers! *
|
|
|
|
We usually held them down, and force fed them! . . . So the next time you are at a bachelor party,
|
|
you now know a new game to play! Keep me posted . . .
|
|
|
|
See ya!
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 242
|
|
From: sheimp (SheImp)
|
|
Date: Wed, 11 May 94 01:45:55 EDT
|
|
|
|
The worst thing i've seen so far in clinic was just two weeks ago. There was this kid who had this
|
|
weird blood disorder. But his main problem at the moment was this raging skin infection on the
|
|
tops of both feet and extending up his legs. Not just your run of the mill infection, but deep,
|
|
deep cellulitis, way deeep. It was all oozing and ulcerating and gunky (the prob was it wouldn't
|
|
heal). Had been that way for months. But the thing that got me was that the dr needed to
|
|
unwrap the bandages. The guy didn't look too happy about it even tho he was on like 3
|
|
morphine like drugs. When she pulled the wraps off . . . .his _skin came peeling off_. She kept
|
|
pulling and pulling and it kept coming off and coming off . . . I really felt rather warm at the
|
|
time. Didn't help that the guy was yelping either.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 244
|
|
From: speed (Crucial Taunt)
|
|
Date: Wed, 11 May 94 02:04:47 EDT
|
|
|
|
Once, in bio lab I had this experiment w/fertilized chicken eggs. Every day during their 28(?) day
|
|
gestation period, I would crack one open, keep it alive as long as I could in a saline solution
|
|
while giving it different drugs and noting the effects on its heartbeat. This was psycho enough.
|
|
But I decided to steal one and take it home, it was in the 20- something day area and I thought I
|
|
could keep it warm for a few days and hatch it. so I stuck it in my coat pocket and took it home
|
|
on the Fordham Road Crosstown bus. Anyway, that bus gets really crowded, and the egg got
|
|
crushed in my pocket, and I had a prematurely born chick struggling in my pocket in a mess of
|
|
egg gook and of course I couldn't just take it out on a packed bus, so . . . It died, I threw it in a
|
|
trash can when I got off the bus, and my favorite fuckin' coat stunk like a burnt skunk. Still wore
|
|
it, though.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 265
|
|
From: galt (Skenderbeg)
|
|
Date: Fri, 13 May 94 17:53:28 EDT
|
|
|
|
I think it's cool whenever you can get food to come out of your nose. Even though I had nine
|
|
months of medical gross anatomy, the fact that the nasal and oral passages are connected
|
|
seems really cool and mysterious to me, so I'm always glad whenever I prove that mine are thus
|
|
situated. Of course it's a bittersweet victory, because my stomach acids are usually eating away
|
|
the mucosa lining my nasal passages whenever this happens.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 269
|
|
From: mcaff (Duuude!)
|
|
Date: Fri, 13 May 94 21:24:06 EDT
|
|
|
|
This past weekend I saw a guy with full body herpes. To compliment this he had been lying in
|
|
his own urine and feces for two or three days and had vomited on himself. The smell wasn't too
|
|
bad, you could only smell him from 50 feet away.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 270
|
|
From: mcaff (Duuude!)
|
|
Date: Fri, 13 May 94 21:27:55 EDT
|
|
|
|
This weekend I also saw a guy who had been hit in the head with a meat cleaver. He was hit once
|
|
on the left side of his face splitting it from the corner of his mouth to an inch or so beyond his
|
|
left ear. He was also hit on the top of his head splitting for about six inches. You could see
|
|
where his skull was split in both places but you couldn't see his brain because it was too dark.
|
|
Maybe he didn't have a brain because apparently it was a friend of his who did this.
|
|
|
|
I guess you could say he needs a friend like that like he needs a hole in his head.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 275
|
|
From: geekus (NO CAREER)
|
|
Date: Sat, 14 May 94 12:08:09 EDT
|
|
|
|
i never did get around to seeing karen finley in her prime. a question about her technique: was it
|
|
mostly her hand _pushing the yam up her ass_, or did her sphincter play a more active role,
|
|
_pulling the yam up her ass _(kind of like a horse eating a carrot)?
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 276
|
|
From: locutus (Death Incarnate)
|
|
Date: Sat, 14 May 94 12:11:07 EDT
|
|
|
|
Dissection stories are kewl! A few weeks ago my class had to dissect sheep eyes, one kid came
|
|
around the room after we were done and collected all the lenses (the roundish clear thing that
|
|
got kinda cloudy from the preservatives) He intended to give them to friends, telling them they
|
|
were gummy candies . . . . I never did find out if he really did . . . .
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 279
|
|
From: speed (Crucial Taunt)
|
|
Date: Sun, 15 May 94 02:46:41 EDT
|
|
|
|
geekus (NO CAREER) writes:
|
|
|
|
> i never did get around to seeing karen finley in her prime. a question about her technique:
|
|
> was it mostly her hand _pushing the yam up her ass_...
|
|
|
|
mostly pushing, from where I sat, but I admit, if her ass _was_ chewing, I might have missed that
|
|
detail. She didn't really come up close till it was time to shit it out, which she did in long, steady,
|
|
forceful, pushes. A detail I left out of my original post was that my date seemed to think that I
|
|
set this up, or at least knew it would happen, and seemed to think that this was a hint of what
|
|
might be expected of her should we go home together. We didn't.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 285
|
|
From: molbloo (mango tango)
|
|
Date: Sun, 15 May 94 22:13:22 EDT
|
|
|
|
I've recently developed this weird rash, or these hives, or whatever you wanna call it, all over my
|
|
chin and my mouth and my cheeks and my neck. and my back. It's pretty cool, because it makes
|
|
my skin all puffy and red and shiny and kinda bubbly. (I have all of these blackhead scars. wow .
|
|
. . ). So I'm in the process of drying up this rash by mixing up a nice baking-soda-and-
|
|
water-paste and applying it over the affected areas. It stings like hell, but pretty soon,it'll dry it
|
|
up enough so that it'll get all nice and oozy. Wow. To think that my skin is going to drip watery
|
|
pus in a few days! And, best yet, it'll crust-over and crack. This, of curse, thrills me to no end.
|
|
Right.
|
|
|
|
Moral of the story--when you buy fruit, wash it really really well. Or buy only organic stuff. I
|
|
have some weird reaction most likely to some pesticide on some fruit or something I ate a few
|
|
days ago.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 297
|
|
From: kayotae (Kayotae Blackwolf)
|
|
Date: Wed, 18 May 94 15:58:03 EDT
|
|
|
|
A year ago, while working for the NYTransPD, I was standing around on the Park Place 2/3
|
|
platform and just as the 3 Uptown came ripping into the station, some homeless looking black
|
|
guy decides it's a good day to die and goes sui. Well, being on the scene, the report and
|
|
everything else coming with was my responsibility, this included cleaning up the mess. Usually,
|
|
someone from uptown medical comes down and tries to identify all the little parts as we put
|
|
them in ziploc baggies but the miscellaneous sludge left over (usually found boiling on the third
|
|
rail or stuck to the front of the train) goes in one big black bag labeled "mashed potatoes." Some
|
|
guy got in trouble once 'cause he chucked an eyeball in there. The Sgt. said "That's identifiable!
|
|
Take that out!" Hehehe . . .
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 306
|
|
From: miked (miked)
|
|
Date: Thu, 19 May 94 19:10:54 EDT
|
|
|
|
Residents and interns have great stories. I'm not one, but I spent time with two of them. On site,
|
|
two stories (both true):
|
|
|
|
Seattle man with diabetes and a glass eye and not a homeowner comes in with an itch under his
|
|
glass eye. The resident pops it out. Maggots spill forth. Resident isn't too worried, because after
|
|
all maggots are a medical marvel. They only eat necrotic flesh. Used on burn victims at hospitals
|
|
that are paragons of Western Medicine. Still, it was disconcerting, and smelly, and the thought of
|
|
dead flesh in an eye socket cannot be good news for anybody.
|
|
|
|
Construction worker falls from third story of San Diego skyscraper in progress. Lands on a
|
|
re-bar pole. Impaled. Flails around, trying to upright himself. Like a beetle on a needle.
|
|
Coworkers barf into lunch pails. EMS hacksaws the steel cable and ambulance transports him to
|
|
the hospital. By now his face is swollen, two black eyes, lots of internal bleeding, you know, and
|
|
he's plugged up. Bruises result. "Don't let my girlfriend see my like this." Vanity never dies.
|
|
Doctors are ready to do something. But they're residents. Not doctors! Not yet, at least! "I don't
|
|
know," Resident replies, failing his final exam. Turns out the re-bar missed his vitals, and the
|
|
guy got well, practically good as new, but his GF never got to see him till the minor bruises
|
|
subsided.
|
|
|
|
Oh, and 2 more, a colostomy and cast iron frying pan to the head stories may follow. If things
|
|
pick up. And the dart in the head, which sounds better than it is.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 321
|
|
From: eponine (Jesus in Trunk)
|
|
Date: Fri, 20 May 94 22:48:04 EDT
|
|
|
|
a guy at work told me this story he had heard about a man who took a turkey baster, filled it
|
|
with beer, and inserted it into the anus of a woman, who after a while, said, "That's enough."
|
|
Now, as he said, how did she know that that was the stopping point? i mean, he's shoving beer
|
|
up her ass? is there an acceptable limit for that???
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 322
|
|
From: galt (Iskender Bey)
|
|
Date: Sat, 21 May 94 00:12:52 EDT
|
|
|
|
eponine (Jesus in Trunk) writes:
|
|
|
|
> a guy at work told me this story he had heard about a man who took a turkey baster, filled it
|
|
> with beer, and inserted it into the anus of a woman, who after a while, said, "That's enough."
|
|
|
|
|
|
It's hard to tell what the limit is for alcohol consumption. My guess is that she knew she'd better
|
|
take it easy on the beer lest she get too tipsy and do something crazy.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 338
|
|
From: sheimp (SheImp)
|
|
Date: Sun, 22 May 94 15:56:31 EDT
|
|
|
|
when i was in college i used to work in the food services. anyway there was this guy there who
|
|
was kinda quiet, kinda mean, we used to give him a hard time. This new guy started working
|
|
there and he and the mean guy didn't hit it off so well. Any way they got into this fight and the
|
|
mean guy grabbed the other guy and threw him in to the steam table (like a big table with a
|
|
recess all full of boiling water) and *held him there* until the other ppl pulled him off. Needless
|
|
to say the guy was really messed up, his skin was like hanging off him, it was like melted or
|
|
something, all floppy.
|
|
|
|
The really sad thing was the burned guy was the brother of my boss's friend, she felt pretty bad
|
|
about the whole thing, seeing as she had gotten him the job.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 374
|
|
From: kieran (Francis Urquhart)
|
|
Date: Wed, 25 May 94 17:42:01 EDT
|
|
|
|
Re: drinking one's own urine.
|
|
|
|
Yup--tried it. Albeit accidentally. "How the fuck did you manage that?" I hear you cry. Simple.
|
|
Once upon a time I was young and could actually (just) perform fellatio upon myself. Much to
|
|
my dismay, though, I discovered that rubbing my tongue over the top of my bell end made me
|
|
pee instead of ejaculate. And it was hard to stop. So rather than flood the living-room floor with
|
|
urine, I swallowed about 2 mouthfuls. It wasn't nice . . . This little tale is the honest truth. I just
|
|
wish it wasn't . . . .
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 376
|
|
From: miked (miked)
|
|
Date: Wed, 25 May 94 18:30:25 EDT
|
|
|
|
A person comes into Bellevue. A junkie. Has massive abscesses, most of them treated and
|
|
covered. Has a lower colon thing and has to get the lower colon removed. This person owns a
|
|
townhouse on the upper east side, but doesn't live in it. Has no income but rental. And so, no
|
|
health insurance.
|
|
|
|
This person is online on a west coast provider, tho this person is an east coast inhabitant.
|
|
Experienced great fame in the late 70s. Many will recognize the name.
|
|
|
|
Person's colostomy is a success. Person returns to Bellevue at a later date, like 7 months,
|
|
complaining of fever and redness. Oh, Holy Shit! Gonorrhea in the colostomy hole!
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 381
|
|
From: speed (rated "R")
|
|
Date: Fri, 27 May 94 13:30:33 EDT
|
|
|
|
Go into a restaurant, go into the bathroom, Take down the soap dispenser, empty it into the
|
|
sink, piss into it, filling it up.
|
|
|
|
Turn it over quickly, replacing the dispenser now filled w/ your urine. (nice color, looks like that
|
|
soap)
|
|
|
|
Rinse the soap out of the sink, using it to clean your hands (important step)
|
|
|
|
leave bathroom, sit in a booth where you can watch ppl going in and out. Order a burger, fries
|
|
and coke and enjoy. Now *that's a urine burn!*
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 407
|
|
From: galt (Iskender Bey)
|
|
Date: Wed, 01 Jun 94 22:36:59 EDT
|
|
|
|
Just for those who were wondering, it's entirely possible for a male to come up as pregnant on
|
|
some preliminary tests. Some preliminary pregnancy diagnoses are made based on the presence
|
|
of certain ketones in the urine in conjunction with other certain ion concentrations. I have seen
|
|
males with their very own urine told that they might be pregnant.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 415
|
|
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
|
|
Date: Sun, 05 Jun 94 11:46:50 EDT
|
|
|
|
*Golden Turd Winners*
|
|
|
|
In post 141, on May 6, I announced the Golden Turd Awards, to be given in three categories:
|
|
|
|
1. True Confession or Anecdote
|
|
|
|
2. Medical Description
|
|
|
|
3. Insult
|
|
|
|
Well, it's been a grueling process reading more than 400 posts to pick a winner in each category.
|
|
But the job is now done, and here are my choices. Most of you won't agree with me, but since I
|
|
was deranged enough to go through the odious hassle of creating the actual Turd Trophies, I
|
|
think I should give them to whoever I want. Whether the winners will be willing to ACCEPT their
|
|
trophies remains to be seen. But anyway:
|
|
|
|
Most offensive true confession or anecdote:
|
|
|
|
|
|
Post 65, by mdreyfus
|
|
First runner-up:
|
|
|
|
|
|
Post 209, by galt
|
|
Second runner-up:
|
|
|
|
|
|
Post 99, by gunfury
|
|
Most offensive medical description:
|
|
|
|
|
|
Post 215, by speed
|
|
First runner-up:
|
|
|
|
|
|
Post 242, by sheimp
|
|
Second runner-up:
|
|
|
|
|
|
Post 376, by miked
|
|
Most offensive insult:
|
|
|
|
Interest died out after just a few posts. Consequently, there will be no awards in this category.
|
|
|
|
I realize that mdreyfus may not be a popular winner, since several people have named him in
|
|
their .kill files. But look at it this way: if he can offend people even here in the Fuck-You forum,
|
|
doesn't this count in his favor? Offensiveness, after all, should not just be skin deep. It should
|
|
permeate the person like body odor and ooze out of him like warm yellow pus.
|
|
|
|
For my money, mdreyfus's description of his dog licking shit from between his buttocks is a
|
|
winner not just because the act itself is disgusting, but because the way in which mdreyfus
|
|
described himself enjoying it is also disgusting. Here we have a disgusting anecdote, told
|
|
disgustingly, by a seemingly disgusting person. Who could ask for more?
|
|
|
|
Having said this, I must emphasize that galt's description of a pimple- cultivation contest was a
|
|
very close second. Indeed it ranks as one of my all- time favorites in nauseating stories. And
|
|
gunfury's touching reminiscence of youthful sexual/scatalogical indulgences is a classic of its
|
|
kind.
|
|
|
|
Turning to the medical arena, once again I felt it was right for the Golden Turd to go to someone
|
|
who didn't just describe something disgusting, but actually i *lived* it. Thank you, speed, for
|
|
sharing this revolting experience, and congratulations on surviving it.
|
|
|
|
Thanks also to sheimp for her highly memorable post about peeling off a person's skin. We have
|
|
only just begun to tap the rich fund of case histories which medical professionals have at their
|
|
disposal (I'm still waiting for ntice to tell us about the mental patient who pulled out his own
|
|
eyeball and ate it--I do hope she'll have an opportunity to relate this in detail sometime soon).
|
|
|
|
As for the man with gonorrhea in his colostomy hole: I recently heard this anecdote from an
|
|
entirely different source, and I now suspect that it's apocryphal. Still, it deserves a mention
|
|
purely for its originality. In these decadent times, it's hard to find a truly new perversion. Thank
|
|
you, miked, for passing this on.
|
|
|
|
Now, who gets what? The winners will receive their promised golden turds. Either send me your
|
|
mailing address, or make arrangements to collect your trophies from me in person, in midtown
|
|
Manhattan. I will not describe the trophies in great detail at this time, except to say that they are
|
|
properly encapsulated, safe to handle, lovely to look at, and reasonably sterile. In a future post,
|
|
I'll go into the details of how I obtained and processed the Golden Turds. Heavy duty rubber
|
|
gloves and a strong stomach were both required, and I must admit the exercise was so
|
|
nauseating, I doubt that I'll be subjecting myself to it again for quite a while . . . I mean I'm
|
|
devoted to this forum, but dedication has its limits.
|
|
|
|
Each winner will also receive a metal commemorative button, and there are buttons also for the
|
|
runners-up. Each button is emblazoned with the message:
|
|
|
|
[YOUR NAME HERE]
|
|
|
|
Golden Turd Award, May 1994
|
|
|
|
Finalist
|
|
|
|
Fuck-You Forum, MindVox, New York
|
|
|
|
Just the thing to wear at those formal social events! Once again, I require mailing addresses to
|
|
distribute these valuable collectors' items. Or you can make arrangements to pick them up from
|
|
me in person.
|
|
|
|
Okay, so much for all that. Now let's get back to the serious business of plumbing the depths of
|
|
human behavior, shall we? Two things that caught my interest recently are compulsive bed
|
|
wetting among adults, and drooling while under the influence of drugs. I have experiences of my
|
|
own in these areas, but before I describe them, does anyone else have a story to contribute?
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 418
|
|
From: speed (rated "R")
|
|
Date: Mon, 06 Jun 94 00:46:20 EDT
|
|
|
|
Of course I accept my award!
|
|
|
|
I'd like to thank my parents for being so fucked up, and all my grand parents and their parents.
|
|
|
|
I'd also like to thank Jesus Christ.
|
|
|
|
If I didn't grow up hearing that gross story of his over and over at school I probably wouldn't be
|
|
the gross son of god that I am today.
|
|
|
|
Please send me my turd.
|
|
|
|
I am *very proud!*
|
|
|
|
thank you all, *kiss* *kiss*
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 419
|
|
From: speed (rated "R")
|
|
Date: Mon, 06 Jun 94 01:00:09 EDT
|
|
|
|
Well, now I suppose is not a time to slack off. Not the grossest story but. . . .there was a request.
|
|
. . . Aside from being covered in the usual drool (which seems to be more plentiful in the opiate
|
|
addict), I had a routine I worked up back in those days.
|
|
|
|
I was on welfare at the time and they used to call me in every once in a while to try and get me
|
|
work.
|
|
|
|
Well, before I went in I'd buy a box of cherry cough drops, which I'd suck on while staring into
|
|
the fluorescent lights, muttering, outbursting, and swatting at my head and the air around it.
|
|
This never deterred them from calling my name and asking me lots of questions which I'd sorta
|
|
answer between nods. Anyway, they'd always leave me at their desk and go off to find a job or
|
|
some paper work and when they did I'd lay my head down on their desk in a pretend nod, and
|
|
drool out a cup or two of saliva which I'd worked up and had kept pooled in my mouth.
|
|
|
|
I'd just open my mouth and pour out this thick, viscous, bright red (from the cough drops)
|
|
stream of spittle all across their desk making sure to fuck up my and as much other paper work
|
|
as I could.
|
|
|
|
Needless to say they'd come back horrified, shouting and I'd "wake up" with a jolt spreading it a
|
|
round even worse.
|
|
|
|
They'd be so pissed off, this would get me a quick "unemployable" rating; they'd trash my soggy
|
|
paperwork, and give me a quick bum's rush.
|
|
|
|
Within the hour I'd be home shooting up and drooling for real, mostly Vanilla Haagen-Dazs
|
|
Drool.
|
|
|
|
(That's all I'd eat. It tasted good going down and coming back up. Ya see, I puked a few times a
|
|
day for years.)
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 430
|
|
From: deckard (Cosmic Slop)
|
|
Date: Mon, 06 Jun 94 23:40:06 EDT
|
|
|
|
I've been having real foot problems . . . It started with athletes foot, but then they got so damn
|
|
itchy that i would spend at least 20 minutes just feeling the pure bliss of itching them to death.
|
|
I would pick all the dead white skin off and then my toes would get all gooshy, as I guess pus or
|
|
something came out. It felt great, but when I would wake up they would kill. Luckily I've been
|
|
able to control myself, and my feet are near healing. This however can't compare to the time two
|
|
summers ago when I had plantars warts on my feet. Ewwww.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 435
|
|
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
|
|
Date: Tue, 07 Jun 94 19:46:37 EDT
|
|
|
|
All right, all right, enough of this tame athlete's foot stuff. What I would like to know is whether
|
|
anyone on this forum has pissed in his bed, in his sleep, as an adult, involuntarily. I suspect this
|
|
may be more common than people admit. I've certainly done it. After a prolonged bout of beer
|
|
drinking I passed out and an hour or two later I dreamed I was standing in front of a great big
|
|
beautiful urinal. The temptation to piss was almost unbearable. I knew, somehow, it would NOT
|
|
be a good idea, but I didn't know why. And so--I gave in to temptation. God it felt good! Until of
|
|
course I woke up about 30 seconds later to find myself lying in my own piss. The woman
|
|
sleeping next to me was quite surprised.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 436
|
|
From: kayotae (Kayotae Blackwolf)
|
|
Date: Tue, 07 Jun 94 19:55:44 EDT
|
|
|
|
I've almost done it, been on the edge, pissed just enough to send a little trickle down the side of
|
|
my leg. I've always woken up and run to the bathroom squeezing my dick so as not to dribble all
|
|
over the place. I've yet to totally hose my bed down tho'.
|
|
|
|
On a related topic, any urophiles out there? I know someone heavily into scat but no real piss
|
|
mongers . . . except for one guy actually now that I think about it. He couldn't tell me why he
|
|
likes people pissing down his throat, he just does (shrug).
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 437
|
|
From: kieran (Classiest Snarf)
|
|
Date: Tue, 07 Jun 94 20:17:56 EDT
|
|
|
|
Once in college I passed out shit-drunk on a friend's bed. When I came to, her roommate gave
|
|
me some water to drink, but then I passed out again and spilled the glass. Then my friend came
|
|
in with some guy she was planning to fuck, and I just slurred something and walked out. They
|
|
_thought_ I had pissed on her bed, and she didn't have any other sheets to change her bed. Kind
|
|
of put a damper on the evening for her, but I was happy since the guy was an asshole.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 438
|
|
From: galt (Iskender Bey)
|
|
Date: Tue, 07 Jun 94 20:21:54 EDT
|
|
|
|
From the US Army Special Forces Medical Handbook, ST 31-91B, Chapter 22 "Primitive
|
|
Medicine," Section 3: "Maggot Therapy for Wound Debridement."
|
|
22-3. Maggot Therapy for Wound Debridement.
|
|
|
|
a. Introducing maggots into a wound can be hazardous because the wound must be exposed to
|
|
flies. Flies, because of their filthy habits, are likely to introduce bacteria into the wound, causing
|
|
additional complications. Maggots will also invade live, healthy tissue when the dead tissue is
|
|
gone or not readily available. Maggot invasion of healthy tissue causes extreme pain and
|
|
hemorrhage, possibly severe enough to be fatal.
|
|
|
|
b. Despite the hazards involved, maggot therapy should be considered a viable alternative when,
|
|
in the absence of antibiotics, a wound becomes severely infected, does not heal, and ordinary
|
|
debridement is impossible.
|
|
|
|
(1) All bandages should be removed so that the wound is exposed to circulating flies. Flies are
|
|
attracted to foul or fetid odors coming from the infected wound; they will not deposit eggs on
|
|
fresh, clean wounds.
|
|
|
|
(2) In order to limit further contamination of the wound by disease organisms carried by the
|
|
flies, those flies attracted to the wound should not be permitted to light directly on the wound
|
|
surface. Instead, their activity should be restricted to the intact skin surface along the edge of
|
|
the wound. Live maggots deposited here and/or maggots hatching from eggs deposited here will
|
|
find their way into the wound with less additional contamination than if the flies were allowed
|
|
free access to the wound.
|
|
|
|
(3) One exposure to the flies is usually all that is necessary to insure _more_ than enough
|
|
maggots for thorough debridement of a wound. Therefore, after the flies have deposited eggs,
|
|
the wound should be covered with a bandage.
|
|
|
|
(4) The bandages should be removed daily to check for maggots. If no maggots are observed in
|
|
the wound within 2 days after exposure to the flies, the bandage should be removed and the
|
|
wound should be re-exposed. If the wound is found to be teeming with maggots when the
|
|
bandage is removed, as many as possible should be removed using forceps or some other
|
|
sterilized instrument or by flushing with sterile water. Only 50-100 maggots should be allowed
|
|
to remain in the wound.
|
|
|
|
(5) Once the maggots have become established in the wound, it should be covered with a
|
|
bandage again, but the maggot activity should be monitored closely each day. A frothy fluid
|
|
produced by the maggots will make it difficult to see them. This fluid should be "sponged out"
|
|
of the wound with an absorbent cloth so that all of the maggots in the wound can be seen. Care
|
|
should be taken not to remove the maggots with the fluid.
|
|
|
|
(6) The period of time necessary for maggot debridement of a wound depends on a number of
|
|
factors, including the depth and extent of the wound, the part of the body affected, the number
|
|
of maggots present in the wound, and the fly species involved. In a survival situation, an
|
|
individual will be able to control only one of these factors--the number, and sometimes not
|
|
even that; therefore, the exact time to remove the maggots cannot be given in specific numbers
|
|
of hours or days. However, it can be said with certainty that the maggots should be removed
|
|
immediately once they have removed all the dead tissue and _before_ they have become
|
|
established in healthy tissue. When the maggots begin feeding on normal, healthy tissue, the
|
|
individual will experience an increased level of pain at the site of the wound as the maggots
|
|
come into contact with "live" nerves. Bright red blood in the wound also indicates that the
|
|
maggots have reached healthy tissue.
|
|
|
|
(7) The maggots should be removed by flushing the wound repeatedly with sterile water.
|
|
Flushing the wound with fresh human urine may also be considered, as the high content of salt
|
|
and urea is a fairly effective antiseptic. However, flushing the wound with urine _must_ be
|
|
followed with sterile water. Though urine is sterile and antiseptic when it leaves the body, it
|
|
rapidly becomes quite the opposite as it breaks down chemically.
|
|
|
|
When all the maggots have been removed, the wound should be bandaged. To insure that the
|
|
wound is free of maggots, check it every 4 hours or more often for several days. Any remaining
|
|
maggots should be removed with sterilized forceps or by flushing with sterile water.
|
|
|
|
(8) Once all of the maggots have been removed, bandage the wound and treat it as any other
|
|
wound. It should heal normally provided there are no further complications.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 440
|
|
From: gunfury (sp00nMaN)
|
|
Date: Tue, 07 Jun 94 21:05:47 EDT
|
|
|
|
(sung to the tune of "The Candyman" a' la Sammy Davis Jr.)
|
|
|
|
Get a brand new bike,
|
|
|
|
take off the seat,
|
|
|
|
put yer girlfriend on it, send her down a bumpy street
|
|
|
|
The S&M Mannnnnnnnnnnn. . . .
|
|
|
|
Cause he mixes it with cum and makes the world taste good!
|
|
|
|
Get a newborn baby,
|
|
|
|
Put 'em on yer bed,
|
|
|
|
Get yer dick up hard and fuck the soft spot in its head
|
|
|
|
The S&M Mannnnnnnnnnnn. . . .
|
|
|
|
Cause he mixes it with sperm to make the world taste good!
|
|
|
|
(u get the idea ;)
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 441
|
|
From: galt (Iskender Bey)
|
|
Date: Tue, 07 Jun 94 21:21:04 EDT
|
|
|
|
Who can take a baby
|
|
|
|
spread apart its thighs
|
|
|
|
fuck it in the ass until the shit comes out its eyes The S&M man. . . .
|
|
|
|
Who can take two ice picks
|
|
|
|
stick 'em in her ears
|
|
|
|
ride her like a Harley as you mount her from the rear the S&M man. . . .
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 443
|
|
From: gunfury (sp00nMaN)
|
|
Date: Tue, 07 Jun 94 21:23:10 EDT
|
|
|
|
I haven't wet the bed in a long, long time. But I do remember clearly what it felt like as a child.
|
|
Usually I would be dreaming I was flying around in a room, all by myself . . . just as free as can
|
|
be . . . floating on a fluffy cloud of air . . . not a care in the world.
|
|
|
|
Oh shit! I just pissed all over myself ;) It's not as great a feeling though as that ever-popular
|
|
*wet dream*. I loved those. It wasn't all cum, it was cum with a subtle hint of piss too. It stained
|
|
many a good pair of underwear, but well worth the inquisition afterwards, "GunFury, Where did
|
|
all your Fruit of the Loom (tm) go dear?"
|
|
|
|
"Ah, I don't know ma!"
|
|
|
|
We all know where they went boys 'n girls. Under the neighbors back porch in a plastic baggie (I
|
|
wonder if they are still there?).
|
|
|
|
A friend who is now 25, still has wet dreams. I hate him for that. I haven't had one since I was
|
|
12. I think he has them now because of that terrible happance of D.S.B.
|
|
|
|
Dreaded Sperm Build-up
|
|
|
|
The theory behind this is that you go without ejaculating for a period of time so that yer
|
|
spermatozoa eventually comes out without sexual intercourse or, ehem, manual stimulation.
|
|
|
|
Impossible! I can't go even a few hours without one, or the other, or both. . . .
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 452
|
|
From: kayotae (Kayotae Blackwolf)
|
|
Date: Wed, 08 Jun 94 13:47:10 EDT
|
|
|
|
As close as I ever came to incest was when I was a kid, around 10-15, not sure where in that
|
|
range . . . but when I was a kid, my brother and I used to hump against each other. I don't know
|
|
if we ever got off on it, or if there was penetration of any sort, but I know we used to do it like
|
|
every night until we discovered jerking off.
|
|
|
|
"Kay, why is the bed shaking?"
|
|
|
|
"I've got an itch on my leg." (We had bunk beds . . . and I had lots of itches)
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 453
|
|
From: speed (rated "R")
|
|
Date: Wed, 08 Jun 94 15:59:05 EDT
|
|
|
|
I pissed on my self during blackouts but I was never in bed. I once woke up on the street outside
|
|
my building with a piece of melted ice cream cake next to my head and lying in my own piss.
|
|
Lost about 18 hrs to 181 proof rum that night.
|
|
|
|
I once puked in a woman's loft bed, she went out to drink more, I wanted a few minutes lie
|
|
down, puked the min she left. What really sucked was that she was with this woman I thought
|
|
was really cool and who I wanted to hit on. Here I was feeling really great now (having puked)
|
|
but I couldn't go to the bar (nothing to wear but puke covered clothes). I went to sleep, the first
|
|
woman came home so shit faced she didn't know about the puke in the bed until the next
|
|
morning when we were fucking, she says "What's that horrible smell?" I liked her, she got really
|
|
pissed, *really* pissed. But she didn't stop fucking me. I liked her a lot.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 458
|
|
From: mitsc (Mitch)
|
|
Date: Thu, 09 Jun 94 14:33:08 EDT
|
|
|
|
I have several stories that would find a nice home here, but alas, so little time (I am supposed to
|
|
be working!). The urination subject brings two stories to mind, the second I'll post at a later
|
|
time.
|
|
|
|
Several times over my life I've been in such a deep sleep that I've ended up peeing in bed. I
|
|
never had a bed wetting problem (that was my younger brother) but it has happened. It's such a
|
|
strange occurrence, and I can't believe it has not happened to more people. I find myself in a
|
|
dream, and in the dream I have to pee real bad. I can remember going in the dream, and wake
|
|
up soaked! Just such a thing happened last summer.I was sleeping at my cousin's house upstate.
|
|
Yes, that's right, it wasn't even my own bed. Anyway, I sleep real deep up there, you know, it
|
|
being real quiet as opposed to the city. We had been partying pretty hard the night before and
|
|
went to sleep with my fiance about three AM. Yes, I wasn't even alone. I remember having a
|
|
really deep dream, and actually going to a bathroom and standing at a urinal in the dream. At
|
|
this point I woke up and began praying to myself that it didn't happen. Well, it did. I mean a lot.
|
|
You never realize how much you can actually pee until you do it in a bed. I began panicking.
|
|
What the was I going to do. So far I had been slightly lucky. Somehow my betrothed had not
|
|
woken up yet. Even though it was a single bed we had been sleeping at opposite ends of it. The
|
|
adrenaline started coursing through my body. What was I going to do?!? And then it hit me.
|
|
Maybe it could work. A cover up! But how? I went to the kitchen, opened up the fridge. Yes! My
|
|
cousin had orange juice!! I found the largest glass they had, and filled it to the top. I carried it
|
|
into the bedroom got back into the soaken bed (yuch!) and poured the whole glass over myself
|
|
and screamed "Shit!". With that my fiancee woke up, startled I might add, and asked what was
|
|
wrong, and "how did we get all wet?" I explained that I had been very thirsty from being drunk
|
|
the night before and had gotten up to get something to drink. When I got into bed I had
|
|
"slipped" and the glass spilled. She bought it! I never realized it, but O.J. really can cover up the
|
|
smell of piss!
|
|
|
|
By this time the rest of the house was waking up (it was about 8:00 AM) and my cousin and his
|
|
wife came into to the room to find out what had happened. Nobody could figure out what made
|
|
me puke when the dog started licking the bed!
|
|
|
|
My fiancee and I are now married, and to his day she still doesn't know the real truth, nor will
|
|
she ever. At least until, god forbid, it happens again!
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 464
|
|
From: charles (Charles Platt)
|
|
Date: Thu, 09 Jun 94 19:06:16 EDT
|
|
|
|
A long time ago, I wrote a story in which a person eats excrement. At the time, I asked my
|
|
friends if anyone knew what shit tastes like. No one could tell me (several of them were
|
|
offended that I should imagine they might know). Back then, there was no Fuck-You forum to
|
|
turn to, so I just had to fake it. But now that this resource exists, I'm hoping someone can finally
|
|
clear up this mystery for me.
|
|
|
|
What *does* shit taste like?
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 465
|
|
From: sorel (oooh)
|
|
Date: Thu, 09 Jun 94 19:13:38 EDT
|
|
|
|
i can't speak from personal experience. but this is from "The Leatherman's Handbook", ed. Larry
|
|
Townsend:
|
|
|
|
Another friend, who occasionally delves into the scat scene, told me: "Sure, shit stinks. There's
|
|
no way to deny that, but once you get past the smell it isn't all that bad. If you eat it, it tastes
|
|
just like whatever the guy has eaten, except that it has a burned flavor to it."
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 467
|
|
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
|
|
Date: Thu, 09 Jun 94 19:13:38 EDT
|
|
|
|
Just a quick note to confirm that mdreyfus's golden turd went out to him this morning via the
|
|
US Postal Service, and commemorative buttons for the runners-up were also mailed. Sorry for
|
|
the delay.
|
|
|
|
Speed, I still have your trophy. It doesn't seem to be visibly deteriorating, but you never know, if
|
|
you wait too long, anything might happen. Suggest you make arrangements to collect it ASAP so
|
|
that you can be sure there will still be something for you to collect.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 473
|
|
From: kayotae (Kayotae Blackwolf)
|
|
Date: Thu, 09 Jun 94 20:55:12 EDT
|
|
|
|
I was kissing my dog, letting him lick the inside of my mouth really, and I saw this little piece of
|
|
cat turd drop out of his jowls. That's when I realized he had been downstairs eating the cat shits
|
|
and now he was licking inside my mouth! I practically drank the Listerine.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 496
|
|
From: gunfury (sp00nMaN)
|
|
Date: Sat, 11 Jun 94 09:48:13 EDT
|
|
|
|
charles (Charles Platt) writes:
|
|
|
|
> What DOES shit taste like?
|
|
|
|
Tastes like chicken
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 497
|
|
From: gunfury (sp00nMaN)
|
|
Date: Sat, 11 Jun 94 09:51:46 EDT
|
|
|
|
This wasn't funny at the time, but looking back I get a big kick out of it. I was away on a trip for
|
|
a week and I really missed my girlfriend a lot. By the time I got home, I was so horned up I
|
|
couldn't take it. It was late when I got in, so she was already under the covers, sleeping when I
|
|
arrived. I decided to sneak into bed and just go at it. I pulled my clothes off and came under the
|
|
covers from the bottom of the bed and worked my way over to her legs. I pulled her legs apart
|
|
and started going down on her. She was really wet, but I didn't think anything about it. As I got
|
|
into this further, she started to wake up and said something like, "No hun, don't" in a "you
|
|
shouldn't be doing that" tone. It turns out the reason she was so wet was because she was heavy
|
|
into her period. I discovered I had managed to pull out her tampon with my teeth, and I was
|
|
chewing part of it like a wad of chewing gum. I had thick clots of blood running down my face
|
|
and chin. It was a horrible taste, mainly because of the tampon. The blood wasn't the usual
|
|
"finger cut" type obviously, so the reaction from both of us was sheer disgust. We went out for a
|
|
while after that, but we no longer see each other in a dating capacity. When I do bump into her
|
|
though, it is very awkward to say the least.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 499
|
|
From: barton (Annihilate)
|
|
Date: Tue, 14 Jun 94 13:11:55 EDT
|
|
|
|
When my brother was in Saudi Arabia, he and the other infantry guys passed some of the time
|
|
with a biggest turd contest.
|
|
|
|
If someone thought they had produced a qualifying entry, he would have to call all the other
|
|
guys over to inspect it.
|
|
|
|
My brother was well-prepared for this contest . . . my mother had been feeding him mineral oil
|
|
by the gallon since he was a small child just to get him to produce anything. So he was used to
|
|
saving it up.
|
|
|
|
One morning he produced the turd of all turds. The grandest turd of them all. Even the tanks
|
|
steered around that one. My brother was a legend.
|
|
|
|
He was so proud that he took a picture of it and sent it home to mom and dad. Mineral Oil
|
|
Revenge. You gotta love that guy.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 501
|
|
From: galt (Iskender Bey)
|
|
Date: Tue, 14 Jun 94 19:21:08 EDT
|
|
|
|
Large disgusting turds are a staple of military existence because of the disgusting food they feed
|
|
us, known as "MRE's" (meals ready to eat, or excrete). Some soldiers make a career of finding
|
|
new disgusting phrases to match that acronym.
|
|
|
|
When I was doing the ROTC thing in college, we often did field exercises in the Ranger mountain
|
|
phase training area. Ranger training, as you may know, is the most savage psychic and physical
|
|
torture a human being may legally be forced to endure. At any rate, their feeding habits are
|
|
quite odd . . . they don't eat for a couple of weeks at a time, and then they gorge themselves.
|
|
However, due to the nonstop nature of the missions they go on, they are forced to hold their
|
|
feces for long periods of time. The combined effect of this is that Rangers produce exceedingly
|
|
large feces, which we'd run across in the woods from time to time. Ranger turds are extremely
|
|
large, odiferous, solid, and generally disgusting. The most common on observation upon first
|
|
seeing one is the incredible pain it must have taken to expel it.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 504
|
|
From: simonm (wuow!s)
|
|
Date: Wed, 15 Jun 94 03:03:37 EDT
|
|
|
|
I never found going down on a menstruating woman to be a big hassle. Then again, I've never
|
|
just chewed on a tampon--that sounds like the problem. Menstrual blood really doesn't taste
|
|
bad at all.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 511
|
|
From: mitsc (Mitch)
|
|
Date: Fri, 17 Jun 94 12:01:18 EDT
|
|
|
|
Sometimes I get so constipated I feel like the shit inside me is boiling up to eye level, and if you
|
|
looked in my pupils they would be half brown!
|
|
|
|
On the other hand, isn't it great when you take that shit after being constipated? Actually the
|
|
first part usually hurts because the end of the turd becomes so large from being backed up in
|
|
the intestine it feels like its gonna rip your sphincter muscles apart. But sometimes after being
|
|
stuffed up I take that banana shit. Ah, the banana shit, it's so glorious. Thin, _very_ long, and
|
|
curved like a banana as it floats in all its brown-green beauty. It has that soft texture and keeps
|
|
coming and coming until it softly lands into the bowl. It makes that soft landing from being so
|
|
long the front of it is on the bottom of the bowl. I've produced some that look as long as the
|
|
distance from your wrist to your elbow.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 514
|
|
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
|
|
Date: Sat, 18 Jun 94 14:10:53 EDT
|
|
|
|
There's a story that I have been putting off telling ever since the advent of this forum. It is so
|
|
hideously embarrassing, I cringe from the task of writing it.
|
|
|
|
I grew up in a backwoods kind of area, very primitive. One of the many things that we lacked
|
|
was decent toilet paper. The stuff was thin, nonabsorbent, and it made my ass sore.
|
|
Consequently, I have to admit I tended to be a bit sloppy about cleaning up after taking a shit.
|
|
The situation was made worse by infrequent bathing (again, because of primitive facilities).
|
|
|
|
As I became a teenager, I started growing hairs around the pubic area and behind the scrotum.
|
|
One day, I noticed that these hairs were, to put it bluntly, clogged with particles of *dry shit*.
|
|
("Dingleberries," right?)
|
|
|
|
I thought of a relatively painless way of cleaning up this mess: Kleenex and hand lotion. I went
|
|
into the bathroom, got the hand lotion, then went into my bedroom for the tissues. By this time,
|
|
someone else was using the toilet, so I got to work in my bedroom and dumped the mess of
|
|
soiled tissues, dried shit, and torn-off hairs on top of a heap of papers in my waste basket. (Big
|
|
mistake.) Something distracted me, and I forgot to empty the waste basket. (Bigger mistake.)
|
|
|
|
That evening, a bunch of friends came to visit--among them, a girl I particularly wanted to
|
|
impress. Everyone was sitting around in my room, when someone looked at the waste basket.
|
|
"Jesus Christ," he said, "What have you been doing? You've been taking shit and wiping your ass
|
|
and dumping the tissues *here?*" (Tactful fellow.)
|
|
|
|
It was a singular moment. I could think of nothing to say. I just sat there, totally blank, feeling
|
|
time freeze around me. In fact the situation was so _weird_, no one ever mentioned it again.
|
|
|
|
But I never got the girl.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 517
|
|
From: speed (Deep Throat)
|
|
Date: Sun, 19 Jun 94 16:20:56 EDT
|
|
|
|
I don't really have any embarrassing shit stories, except maybe the other day.
|
|
|
|
I get diarrhea when I don't eat any thing til late in the day, anyway, I ate a pizza at about 6pm
|
|
real fast, first food of the day, then I went to a meeting, at about 7pm after the meeting I said
|
|
good bye to a few folks and sneezed.
|
|
|
|
*Oops!*
|
|
|
|
I had pretty seriously shit my pants, wet, mucky, and particularly smelly shit on a 90 degrees +
|
|
day! Also, since I was only going to the meeting I didn't have cab fare, I didn't wanna risk asking
|
|
my doordude esp. stinking of shit. So I ducked into a restaurant restroom (they didn't have
|
|
much paper, either) tried to fix it a little (NG, prob. worse) and walked about 15 blocks home
|
|
where my GF says, "Whewph!!
|
|
|
|
Waddidya shit in your pants?! Nice day.
|
|
|
|
Anyway I was really posting to tell you about a Puerto Rican friend of mine who used to take a
|
|
wire hanger into the toilet w/him to break up his toilet chokers.
|
|
|
|
He'd wave it proudly on the way in, his having told us previously what it was for.
|
|
|
|
"Rice an' beans," he'd yell, waving the hanger, "rice an' beans."
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 518
|
|
From: alster (retsla)
|
|
Date: Mon, 20 Jun 94 11:54:13 EDT
|
|
|
|
Last summer, I was on a crew in a bike race called the Race Across America (RAAM). Basically, it's
|
|
non-stop across the country--with different categories (solo, team, etc.). My group was in the
|
|
team competition. Being non- stop, taking a crap was pretty inconvenient.
|
|
|
|
One of the rules at night was that there had to be a car behind the rider for safety reasons. I was
|
|
driving this pace car (a mini van) at night in Arkansas when my fellow crew member, John,
|
|
indicated that he had to take a crap. For the past few nights, we had no problem switching
|
|
drivers while in motion (we were only going about 25mph) and taking a leak out the sliding side
|
|
door.
|
|
|
|
Taking a dump out of a moving vehicle would be a challenge. We also had no toilet paper, no
|
|
tissues -- no napkins neither. However, we did have a large Post-It pad. So John climbs out and
|
|
sits on the edge of the passenger side door window, holding onto the roof rack, drops his shorts
|
|
and proceeds to shit. He tells me that he has a hanging turd, so I pull up alongside our rider
|
|
who basically freaks out and then rode a lot faster :).
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 533
|
|
From: galt (Big Slack Daddy)
|
|
Date: Thu, 23 Jun 94 00:18:43 EDT
|
|
|
|
I just thought I'd pass this on since I just remembered it . . . before I had my much-ballyhooed
|
|
rectal surgery, my bunghole was all messed up such that it would expand to gargantuan
|
|
proportions but only in a sort of trapezoid/rhomboid shape. Because of this, I found myself
|
|
regularly launching huge loo-stranglers shaped like 2X4 planks, streaked with bloody red racing
|
|
stripes. It hurt like the devil, sure, but I feel a certain kinship with sawmills after the experience.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 545
|
|
From: sorel (Plomo!)
|
|
Date: Thu, 23 Jun 94 18:01:45 EDT
|
|
|
|
i really know someone who actually had a rat come up out of the toilet. at least it was found
|
|
floating dead in the toilet in a closed bathroom with no other possible means of entry.
|
|
|
|
i know this is an urban folklore. but it really happened to a friend of mine.
|
|
|
|
the worst part is that she was going into the bathroom to puke at the time.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 548
|
|
From: galt (Big Slack Daddy)
|
|
Date: Thu, 23 Jun 94 21:03:17 EDT
|
|
|
|
Let me tell you a true story about a friend of mine in the Navy (well, it's not about him . . . or
|
|
maybe it is . . . anyway, he told me the story). Large Navy ships store their waste for a while and
|
|
then eject it downward from the hull in a maneuver known as the "bottom blow." During the
|
|
bottom blow, there is a huge amount of over pressure in all the toilets. They broadcast the time
|
|
of the bottom blow in advance and warn people not to flush during this time, but inevitably
|
|
somebody fucks up and flushes during the bottom blow. this results in the contents of the
|
|
individual toilet (and then some) being blown out of the toilet all over the restroom, whereupon
|
|
the dazed rookie stumbles out of the loo with sewage all over him and shit in his hair. Kinda
|
|
funny, I think.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 550
|
|
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
|
|
Date: Thu, 23 Jun 94 22:32:59 EDT
|
|
|
|
I'm interested by galt's descriptions of multifaceted turds (how could I *not* be interested?).
|
|
Personally I have a small, old hemorrhoid and have noticed that when the shit is reasonably soft,
|
|
this little blob of a vein leaves a distinctive groove down the length of each stool. I imagine that
|
|
this could be used forensically, to identify a suspect. What interests me more is the subject of
|
|
_rectal itching_.
|
|
|
|
I developed this out of nowhere when my wife got pregnant for the first time and I was in a
|
|
state of anxiety bordering on panic. I've been plagued by it on and off ever since. Apparently it
|
|
is commonly associated with tension. Anyway, it drives me nuts. Sometimes I wake up in the
|
|
night and find that I have been scratching my own anus (did anyone say "eeeww"?). When the
|
|
itching is at its peak, scratching that area, or lubricating my finger and pushing it rapidly in and
|
|
out of the anal opening, provides a feeling of relief that's almost orgasmic. Following which I
|
|
have to wash my hands with antibacterial soap. Anyone else suffer from this condition? No, I
|
|
didn't think so. . . .
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 555
|
|
From: mrbass (Bill Bass)
|
|
Date: Fri, 24 Jun 94 09:55:49 EDT
|
|
|
|
C'mon--everyone scratches their arse once in a while. sometimes after a nice bike ride, tho, i
|
|
dunno what is in the lycra or whatever, but i would assume liddle shard-like fibers that love to
|
|
dig right into my crack. You just have to scratch, scratch, scratch. I have not gone off the deep
|
|
end and basically fingered myself, but i have itched long and hard. but, as my brother has done
|
|
before me--i cannot always resist the temptation to sniff my fingers when i am all done.
|
|
|
|
I don't know why i do it, but it really smells bad sometimes.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 562
|
|
From: mitsc (Mitch)
|
|
Date: Fri, 24 Jun 94 18:15:51 EDT
|
|
|
|
Regarding anal itching, Felcher's itch. Isn't there anybody else out there that uses Tucks to wipe
|
|
their ass??? It's so refreshing. Gets up in there and cleans, leaving no traces to irritate that anus.
|
|
|
|
God, my whole family uses it. (Except my newlywed wife, although I think she's been
|
|
experimenting!)
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 563
|
|
From: mrbass (Bill Bass)
|
|
Date: Fri, 24 Jun 94 18:59:47 EDT
|
|
|
|
I don't stick my fingers *up* my ass, i merely scratch it profusely. and i don't want any one of
|
|
your smart asses saying oh shure, just like, no ma--i was just scratching the area *around my
|
|
nose,* i wasn't picking or any of that crap. but fine, i pick my butt, and it feels good.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 566
|
|
From: charles (Charles Platt)
|
|
Date: Fri, 24 Jun 94 19:57:25 EDT
|
|
|
|
I imagine there are some atheists in this forum, and some sociopaths, and I imagine some of
|
|
them have stayed in motel rooms where you open the drawer in the bedside table and you find
|
|
a Gideon Bible. At which point, has anyone felt a terrible compulsion to draw obscene pictures
|
|
in it?
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 570
|
|
From: simonm (wuow!s)
|
|
Date: Sat, 25 Jun 94 00:46:11 EDT
|
|
|
|
When I was little me and my sibs would sometimes take a bible out into the parking lot and light
|
|
'em on fire, than stamp it out and put the charred mess back into the drawer.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 582
|
|
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
|
|
Date: Sat, 25 Jun 94 14:34:06 EDT
|
|
|
|
One time I checked into a sleazy motel in Kansas, opened the Gideon bible, and found in it an
|
|
amateurish drawing of a naked woman in bondage giving oral sex to a priest. Was this one of
|
|
your efforts, charles?
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 587
|
|
From: charles (Charles Platt)
|
|
Date: Sat, 25 Jun 94 19:00:45 EDT
|
|
|
|
Here's some Christmas carols for atheists. Why should atheists not have something appropriate
|
|
to sing during the festive season?
|
|
|
|
There is No Hell (to the tune of The First Noel)
|
|
|
|
The vision of hell
|
|
|
|
That the churches display
|
|
|
|
Is to frighten poor people
|
|
|
|
And make them obey
|
|
|
|
No hell, no hell
|
|
|
|
No, there is no hell
|
|
|
|
No nasty hot place
|
|
|
|
Where sinners must dwell
|
|
|
|
Be a crook all your life
|
|
|
|
You can cheat, steal, and lie
|
|
|
|
There'll be no one to punish you
|
|
|
|
After you die
|
|
|
|
No hell, no hell
|
|
|
|
No, there is no hell
|
|
|
|
Only hokum from priests
|
|
|
|
With religion to sell
|
|
|
|
O Come Ye Unfaithful
|
|
|
|
O come ye unfaithful
|
|
|
|
Free and independent
|
|
|
|
Come ye, O come ye, to Golgotha's hill
|
|
|
|
Judas has failed him
|
|
|
|
Now we're going to nail him
|
|
|
|
O come let us defy him
|
|
|
|
O come let us deny him
|
|
|
|
O come let's crucify him
|
|
|
|
Christ the fraud
|
|
|
|
Christ said, surrender
|
|
|
|
To the holy splendour
|
|
|
|
Fear god's omnipotence and bow to his will Christ said he saved us
|
|
|
|
Truly he enslaved us
|
|
|
|
O come let us defy him
|
|
|
|
O come let us deny him
|
|
|
|
O come let's crucify him
|
|
|
|
Christ the fraud
|
|
|
|
God Rot Ye Holy Gentlemen
|
|
|
|
God rot ye holy gentlemen
|
|
|
|
Let nothing you dismay
|
|
|
|
No burden is too great for you
|
|
|
|
No price you wouldn't pay
|
|
|
|
The good lord gives you cancer
|
|
|
|
But you praise him as you pray
|
|
|
|
For relief from your suffering and pain
|
|
|
|
Suffering and pain
|
|
|
|
For relief from your suffering and pain
|
|
|
|
God rot ye holy gentlemen
|
|
|
|
Believe the biggest lie
|
|
|
|
That god looks down with love upon
|
|
|
|
His children from on high
|
|
|
|
And lovingly he watches
|
|
|
|
While we sicken, starve, and die
|
|
|
|
How he smiles at our suffering and pain
|
|
|
|
Sing it again!
|
|
|
|
How he smiles at our suffering and pain!
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 625
|
|
From: charles (Charles Platt)
|
|
Date: Mon, 27 Jun 94 01:27:57 EDT
|
|
|
|
A friend of mine has asked me to include the following story here, because she can't find a
|
|
suitable forum for it on Panix, which is where she hangs out:
|
|
|
|
"I went for a bicycle ride recently and needed to urinate. I went into a toilet in a bar, and I
|
|
squatted above the seat, because I never sit on the seats in public toilets. There was no hook to
|
|
hang my backpack, and I wasn't going to put it on the floor, so there I was, wearing my
|
|
backpack, squatting above the seat, with my spandex shorts around my ankles, and just to make
|
|
it even more difficult, I had my period. Whenever I have my period, I always have to hold up the
|
|
string from the tampon while I urinate, because otherwise the urine can run down the string
|
|
and end up in unpredictable places. Well, this time, I held the string at the wrong angle or
|
|
something, and the flow of urine touched it without my realizing it, and it got diverted down my
|
|
leg, down into my sock, which it stained yellow. So I had to wipe my leg with toilet paper,it was
|
|
really disgusting. And I had to finish my bike ride with a sock soaked in urine."
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 643
|
|
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
|
|
Date: Tue, 28 Jun 94 15:08:43 EDT
|
|
|
|
Here's an interesting development from the sex industry: there is now an active trade in
|
|
second-hand breast implants.
|
|
|
|
I hear from a friend of mine in the business that a well-known porn star with extremely large
|
|
breast implants decided recently to "downsize" herself. She made her decision after an incident
|
|
after she leaned over a barbecue, and one of her huge tits was severely singed.
|
|
|
|
It so happens that her implants are the old type, containing some silicone (before the FDA
|
|
created such panic that manufacturers ceased marketing anything but pure saline implants).
|
|
The silicone type are, in effect, collectors' items at this point. Consequently, the porn star has
|
|
been able to *sell* her used implants (for $1,000) to a younger porn star, who is also paying for
|
|
having them removed and cleaned.
|
|
|
|
This may sound hard to believe, but it was told to me by a magazine editor who is personally
|
|
acquainted with one of the women.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 646
|
|
From: mitsc (Mitch)
|
|
Date: Wed, 29 Jun 94 11:03:58 EDT
|
|
|
|
In college an enterprising buddy and myself tried to contact teh companies that manufacture
|
|
breast implants so that we could sell (unused) ones as paperweights. We thought it would be
|
|
great as a low priced item. They are clear and shaped like a breast, feel like a breast, perfect for
|
|
the businessman who needs to relieve a little stress. Turns out they were very expensive to buy,
|
|
plus none of the companies wanted to take us seriously. We looked into manufacturing it
|
|
ourselves, but never really followed through. Probably would have made a lot of money during
|
|
the breast implant scare.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 647
|
|
From: galt (Big Slack Daddy)
|
|
Date: Wed, 29 Jun 94 11:29:11 EDT
|
|
|
|
When I was in med school, one of our cadavers (female) had saline breast implants (perfectly
|
|
intact). We also had cadavers with long painted nails, which was kind of weird. You get used to
|
|
seeing these bodies not as former people, but as grayish hunks of meat. It changes everything
|
|
when you start seeing painted nails, gold teeth, and tattoos.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 651
|
|
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
|
|
Date: Wed, 29 Jun 94 15:13:24 EDT
|
|
|
|
Anyone here have problems generating excessive amounts of ear wax? Anyone here enjoy
|
|
flushing it out with a soft rubber bulb syringe and seeing great big gunky bits of dark brown
|
|
(almost black) wax spattering into the bathtub, some of them with little shreds of skin like tissue
|
|
attached?
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 660
|
|
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
|
|
Date: Fri, 01 Jul 94 03:03:11 EDT
|
|
|
|
I suppose I should really tackle a subject which I have been putting off for a while: sucking your
|
|
own dick. At one time I admit I was obsessed with this idea. At first, it seemed physically
|
|
impossible. But if I lay on my back on the floor, then brought up my knees till my back was
|
|
curled and my legs were either side of my head, I could brace my feet on the wall behind me,
|
|
wrap my arms around behind my knees, and force my spine into a smaller radius, so that my
|
|
cock dangled temptingly above my mouth. Three problems: this position was extremely
|
|
uncomfortable and antierotic, my genitals were positioned high relative to the rest of my body
|
|
so all the blood tended to flow away from them (just what I did NOT want), and it was quite
|
|
impossible to view masturbation aids such as porno magazines. Still, I mastered the technique
|
|
of masturbating in a normal position till I was *almost* ready to come, and then flipping over
|
|
into the auto-erotic position in which I could _just about_
|
|
|
|
make oral-genital contact. And after a lot of painful attempts, I finally managed to ejaculate into
|
|
my own mouth.
|
|
|
|
It tasted like swallowing my own snot (which I suppose will not be news to some of our readers
|
|
here).
|
|
|
|
Has anyone else experimented with auto-erotic techniques? Did you have an easier time of it
|
|
than I did? Did it provide a special form of fulfillment?
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 661
|
|
From: microdot (dork@micro.com)
|
|
Date: Fri, 01 Jul 94 03:37:09 EDT
|
|
|
|
the problem for me always was: i was getting a blow job, but i was also sucking dick. i couldn't
|
|
concentrate on both. it just didn't work. and yeah, the taste of ones own cum isn't something i
|
|
enjoyed either.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 666
|
|
From: b00tzi (gotopless)
|
|
Date: Fri, 01 Jul 94 17:55:28 EDT
|
|
|
|
Felchmeister: What an interesting little story you shared with us. I've always wondered if guys
|
|
could give themselves blow jobs--now I have the answer. The guy I sleep with, rather, the guy I
|
|
have sex with, says he's never wanted to try it. I find it difficult to believe that he doesn't want
|
|
to. Anyway, point being, guys always have the upper hand . . . err, the upper lip . . . in everything.
|
|
It's my goal and dream in life to be flexible enough to lick myself into absolute oblivion--I'll
|
|
keep you posted as to my progress.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 678
|
|
From: simonm (wuow!s)
|
|
Date: Wed, 06 Jul 94 01:30:38 EDT
|
|
|
|
Re drinking urine--I hardly see why people make such a fuss about it. It's really pretty dilute. I
|
|
went through a month or two or drinking my urine on a regular basis and it's really pretty
|
|
tasteless, if a bit salty.
|
|
|
|
Eating snot has to be grosser, but picking your nose doesn't seem all that bad in itself. Just
|
|
remember to wipe your fingers before touching anything else.
|
|
|
|
Eating your own shit, I have to admit, it still beyond me.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 679
|
|
From: slowdog (trash)
|
|
Date: Wed, 06 Jul 94 01:43:39 EDT
|
|
|
|
Um, why were you drinking your own urine?
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 683
|
|
From: simonm (wuow!s)
|
|
Date: Wed, 06 Jul 94 02:00:58 EDT
|
|
|
|
Well, some people were talking about how it was neato that you could do it and not experience
|
|
any bad effects, and I was feeling generally transgressive, and wanted to try it. I gave it up after
|
|
6 weeks or so, and never really drank more than a pint or so a day.
|
|
|
|
The weirdest part is how warm it is.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 689
|
|
From: charles (Charles Platt)
|
|
Date: Wed, 06 Jul 94 09:23:51 EDT
|
|
|
|
Hey, simonm, how can you be so cruel to post a message like this without more detail?
|
|
Like--how did you collect the urine? How much was there? Was it the real dark-yellow stuff, or
|
|
relatively dilute? Did eating different foods change the way the urine tasted afterward? Did you
|
|
try drinking the infamous "asparagus urine"? Did anyone else know what you were doing? This
|
|
is really interesting! (To me, anyway.)
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 692 of 700
|
|
From: simonm (wuow!s)
|
|
Date: Wed, 06 Jul 94 13:53:11 EDT
|
|
|
|
I'm glad to know you care, charles.
|
|
|
|
It really wasn't that complicated; I'd just take a glass with me when I went to piss. The only
|
|
really challenging part of it was keeping the urine from splashing out; I dunno about other guys,
|
|
but when I start urinating I really unload full blast. I found that the best tactic was to grab ahold
|
|
of my penis right behind the head and apply a bit of pressure on the underside to control the
|
|
rate of flow. That'd let me fill the glass without wetting the front of my shirt. I have to admit the
|
|
first couple of times I was a bit squeamish about dripping on my hands, but I figgered, hell, I'm
|
|
gonna drink the stuff, right? It was surprising to see how much there actually was . . . easily
|
|
several quarts a day, though I kept my intake down to a cup or two, to avoid any kind of serious
|
|
toxin buildup. I tend to drink a lot of water and juice, and I eat a relatively good diet (veggies
|
|
and grains, mostly) so I figured it couldn't be *that* toxic. I never really noticed any strong taste,
|
|
other than the surprising saltiness. Garlic was one of the few tastes that survived, tasting rather
|
|
the way that farts smell after you've eaten a whole head of garlic--warm and mellow. It did
|
|
kinda flip some people out--my mother in particular--but she assumed, correctly, that I'd get
|
|
over it on my own, and left me to it. I never really renounced it, it just got boring . . . Though I
|
|
have to say that writing about it kind of makes me want to try it again.
|
|
|
|
I mean, hell, why not, right?
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 684
|
|
From: mrvented (bazzfazz)
|
|
Date: Wed, 06 Jul 94 07:11:38 EDT
|
|
|
|
Met a man who really got off on licking the snot out of my nose. Have to admit it felt really
|
|
strange french-kissing him afterwards.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 688
|
|
From: charles (Charles Platt)
|
|
Date: Wed, 06 Jul 94 09:19:57 EDT
|
|
|
|
One time I wanted to lick snot out of my girlfriend's nose, but she wouldn't let me. I have also
|
|
wanted to extract snot from someone's nose using my finger. Again, my offer was refused.
|
|
|
|
Did you have a lot of snot (maybe you were suffering from a cold at the time)?
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 694
|
|
From: mrvented (bazzfazz)
|
|
Date: Wed, 06 Jul 94 17:35:16 EDT
|
|
|
|
I had a steady nasal drip from summer allergies. On the drive back to my place he kept licking
|
|
my fingers and stuffing them into his mouth. I'd been climbing around on some rocks in the
|
|
park and they were pretty grimy. I had my shirt off and as soon as we were inside he buried his
|
|
face in my armpit and started licking. He worked my chest, neck and ears over with his tongue
|
|
(he also seemed to have a thing for ear wax). When he covered my nose with his mouth and
|
|
started licking and sucking it just seemed sort of the next logical move.
|
|
|
|
I didn't like him trying to suck it out of my nose. But when he'd work his tongue into a nostril,
|
|
that did feel good.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 696
|
|
From: b00tzi (gotopless)
|
|
Date: Thu, 07 Jul 94 00:18:27 EDT
|
|
|
|
Felchmeister, perhaps you'll enjoy this one. The BF and I are in my apartment one evening
|
|
having a randy old time. Drinking rum & cokes, blasting the tunes, dancing around. I mean,
|
|
we're having *fun.
|
|
|
|
Carrying on all evening, as I would refill my glass every 10 minutes or so, really slamming the
|
|
cocktails down, but never noticing the amount of my intake. Around 2 in the morning, we decide
|
|
to crawl up into the loft. The minute my head hits the pillow, I turn to him and tell him, "I think
|
|
I'm gonna be sick" and proceed to try to crawl down the ladder to go to the bathroom. His
|
|
version of this story is that he lowered me down the ladder, fearing that I'd fall and never get up
|
|
again. I make it safely to the bathroom, where I decide I'm not going to throw up. I decide to
|
|
take a bath instead. So I fill up the tub with water and bubble bath, and dip myself into the
|
|
warm water. Ahhhhhh. Doesn't that feel good, I say to myself. The BF wanted to stay in the
|
|
bathroom to make sure I wasn't about to slam my head on the tub, or sink, or toilet, but I made
|
|
him leave, as I didn't want an audience in case I did toss it. Back to the tub. As I'm sitting in the
|
|
water that has floating bubbles everywhere, they begin to multiply and float into the air--my
|
|
vision blurred, my head reeling. The stomach begins to lurch--I feel like the guy at the table in
|
|
the movie ALIEN--
|
|
|
|
With one major push I begin throwing up--all over myself, in the water, all over the
|
|
bubbles--BF hears the retching sound and strolls into the bathroom, while gorgeous, sexy,
|
|
curvaceous GF is covered in vomit, sitting in a tub of vomit. BF gets into the vomit tub, unplugs
|
|
the drain, turns on the shower where the gooey parts of the vomit are clogging the drain--and
|
|
he proceeds to stomp on them until they're crushed into tiny pieces swirling down the drain. He
|
|
showers the vomit off of me and off of himself, then I decided to throw up on both of us. (Mind
|
|
you, while I am typing this, I am asking him to fill in the blanks, since I really can't regurgitate all
|
|
that much.) So, I threw up again and asked him to once again leave the bathroom. I decide now
|
|
to roll up in a ball on the floor of the bathroom and go to sleep. He thought I passed out. He
|
|
calls a friend of his on the West Coast in a total panic, asking him what to do. He thought I was
|
|
dead, I was just drunk.
|
|
|
|
This is the end of my story. P.S. The next time I got drunk with him, it was in the plaza of his
|
|
hometown, where I proceeded to punch him in front of all his neighbors. (Whoops.) Joe Louis
|
|
would've been proud.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 699
|
|
From: gorelord (Lamen)
|
|
Date: Thu, 07 Jul 94 21:07:19 EDT
|
|
|
|
One of my pals at work mentioned that he likes to sniff coke out of his girlfriend's asshole. He
|
|
also insisted that nose and butt hole fit perfectly together and the effect of drugs is orgasmic . . .
|
|
any comments?
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 701
|
|
Subject: Turd Award Postmortem
|
|
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
|
|
Date: Sun, 10 Jul 94 21:33:36 EDT
|
|
|
|
Some time ago, I promised to describe the Golden Turd Award in more detail.
|
|
|
|
First I obtained some fresh cat turds. I have two cats, so this was no problem, though I did have
|
|
to pick and choose to get some really nicely formed, firm turds with fine detail.
|
|
|
|
Having scooped them out of the litter box, I put them on paper towels and carried them to the
|
|
bathroom. There, I placed each turd on a slotted spoon and lowered it into the toilet, where I
|
|
agitated it gently to wash off the particles of kitty litter. This was a delicate business, since too
|
|
much washing threatened to degrade the all-important turd-texture or even dissolve the turd
|
|
completely.
|
|
|
|
Incidentally, in case you imagine that I actually enjoy this kind of thing, the smell of the cat shit
|
|
coupled with the procedure of dunking it in the toilet made me feel quite nauseated.
|
|
|
|
Have cleaned the turds, I carried them (once again, on paper towels) down to the basement. I left
|
|
them on top of the water heater, where the ambient temperature is around 100 degrees and the
|
|
humidity is low.
|
|
|
|
Two weeks later I retrieved the turds, which were now nice and dry. Handling them with rubber
|
|
gloves, I set them on some newspaper and spray- painted them gold. After waiting for the paint
|
|
to dry, I then dabbed a little transparent epoxy glue on each turd and placed it in a clear acrylic
|
|
box of the type that is sold in plastics stores. I glued the turds in place because I didn't want
|
|
them to rattle around after I mailed them to the lucky winners.
|
|
|
|
Lastly, using a "Badge-a-Minit" kit, I prepared some commemorative buttons for winners and
|
|
the runners-up, using artwork that depicted a turd emitting mystical beams of light. Each
|
|
button was customized with the name of the recipient.
|
|
|
|
Now for the sad part. I sent a golden turd to mdreyfus--and the disgusting little pervert never
|
|
even said "thank you"! I sent buttons to the lucky runners-up--and no one even mentioned
|
|
receiving anything! I reminded speed (the other winner) to collect his golden turd, and he did
|
|
leave a message for me when I was out of town, but since then, he seems to have lost interest in
|
|
the whole thing.
|
|
|
|
Well, I suppose this is the attitude I should have expected from people who contribute to a
|
|
forum named Fuck You! I still have speed's turd sitting on top of my refrigerator, and I think I'll
|
|
keep it. I think I deserve it.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 702
|
|
From: pas (Wild.Boy)
|
|
Date: Mon, 11 Jul 94 02:33:08 EDT
|
|
|
|
My old boyfriend told me about a job his very best friend did a few years prior to disappearing.
|
|
She was trying to get through college without working, so she got a job as an eye snatcher. She
|
|
spent 5 days/week in an eye bank, doing regular shifts, waiting for notification that one of the
|
|
donors had died. Once informed, she then went to the deceased and with specialized eye
|
|
extraction tools, would gently yank the eye out of its socket.
|
|
|
|
It sounded pretty depressing. Evidently, she didn't stick around too long.
|
|
|
|
That also reminds me of another dead eye-motif story. Prior to his death, JP Sartre, who had
|
|
notoriously bad eyesight, had stipulated that his eyes should be re-used after his death. A
|
|
right-wing French newspaper commented in a headline after the operation: "Thanks to the
|
|
Great Philosopher, a blind man can now squint."
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Post: 712
|
|
From: holski (Edger Holski)
|
|
Date: Wed, 13 Jul 94 10:57:55 EDT
|
|
|
|
for those of you who don't know what a nail gun is, i offer the following description:
|
|
|
|
a nail gun is a mechanical device that replaces the hammer. you may have seen some guy up on
|
|
a roof walking around half bent over with a machine that went "poof" every time he pushed it
|
|
against the roof. that was a nail gun. some nail guns are pneumatic (they are driven by an air
|
|
compressor) and some use small-caliber cartridges to drive the nails. in any case they all share
|
|
the safety feature of needing to be pressed against something in order to fire a nail. a trigger at
|
|
the "barrel" needs to be pressed against the roof or what ever at the same time the finger trigger
|
|
is pressed.
|
|
|
|
why am i telling you this?
|
|
|
|
well in spite of this seemingly well thought out safety scheme, nail guns are involved in a variety
|
|
of rather amusing accidents all the time.
|
|
|
|
one way to circumvent the safety is simply to hold the barrel trigger in while you spray your
|
|
fellow construction works with semi-automatic nail gun fire. this unfortunately rarely leads to
|
|
injury, as nails are not well designed for flight. however another common misuse of the guns is
|
|
responsible for some truly amusing self inflicted wounds.
|
|
|
|
because of the double trigger safety, it is common practice for roofers and framers (who drive
|
|
lots of nail each day) to simply walk around holding the finger trigger down, driving nails in to
|
|
things by simply pressing the gun against the surface. they get so in the habit of holding down
|
|
the trigger that they walk around with the trigger pressed, and invariably the barrel trigger
|
|
bumps into something that doesn't need to get nailed, especially the back of the walkers calf.
|
|
(Picture it in your head, guy's holding the thing in his right hand, hey joe com'ere. walks over,
|
|
right arm going forward as the left leg is coming back and . . . puka! *Ow! Son of a bitch!*)
|
|
|
|
a friend of mine who works in an emergency room saw one of these guys, nailed right through
|
|
the meat of his calf and into the tibia (of was it fibia?) anyway, while they waiting for the bone
|
|
doctor to get there, the two of them are talking and my friend says, "that must hurt." and the
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guy says "not as much as the first time."
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