285 lines
8.2 KiB
Plaintext
285 lines
8.2 KiB
Plaintext
|
|
It's a Ad, Ad, Ad, Ad World
|
|
|
|
The average American consumer is bombarded with hundreds of
|
|
commercial messages a day, and some experts claim that the average
|
|
child sees and hears 100,000 pitches before being old enough to
|
|
attend school. Sometimes it seems that, in these messages, both
|
|
the sponsors and the advertising agencies have abandoned the
|
|
struggle to communicate clearly, washing their hands of sense and
|
|
meaning.
|
|
|
|
On a paper placemat in a Massachusetts restaurant appeared this
|
|
advertising atrocity:
|
|
|
|
NEWBURY STREET COIFFURE
|
|
AFFORDABLE
|
|
An Alternative to Looking Good.
|
|
|
|
After tittering and scratching our heads for a while, we can
|
|
reconstruct what happened in the framing of this cacphonous come-on.
|
|
Apparently, the good folks at Newbury Street Coiffure meant to proclaim
|
|
that their affordable prices afforded an alternative for looking good.
|
|
But what came out was the message, "Come to us and we'll throw gunk on
|
|
your hair and pull some of it out. And we'll charge you very little to
|
|
do it!"
|
|
|
|
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often
|
|
more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find
|
|
in the cartoon and comic strips:
|
|
|
|
* Saturday Morning 10:30 A.M. Easter Matinee. Every child laying an
|
|
egg in the door man's hand will be admitted free. [Parsons PA paper]
|
|
|
|
* We want your eggs, and we want them bad. Porter & Young [Display
|
|
ad in the Le Roy MN Indepentent.
|
|
|
|
* LET'S ALL MAKE THIS A BIGGER AND BETTER STATE FAIR. Leave your
|
|
garments at our main plant right on your way to the fair. [Ad in
|
|
the Shreveport LA Journal]
|
|
|
|
* Widows made to order. Send us your specifications [El Paso TX]
|
|
|
|
* The fact that those we have served return once again, and recommend
|
|
us to their friends, is a high indorsment of the service we
|
|
render. PELTON FUNERAL HOME [Oshkosh Northwestern]
|
|
|
|
TOMBSTONE SLIGHTLY USED. Sell cheap. Weil's Curiosity Shop
|
|
[Philadelphia Inquirer]
|
|
|
|
* Will trade fire, life, automobile insurance for anything can use.
|
|
Want lady with automobile. [Riverside CA Enterprise]
|
|
|
|
* For sale to kind master. Full grown domesticated tigress, goes
|
|
daily walk untied, and eats flesh from hand. [Calcutta India]
|
|
|
|
* WANTED A boy who can take care of horses who can speak German.
|
|
[Parade of Youth]
|
|
|
|
* Swap - Drink mixer, glasses, tray, etc for good baby carriage.
|
|
[Ossining paper]
|
|
|
|
* Lost: small apricot poodle. reward. Neutered. Like one of the
|
|
family.
|
|
|
|
* A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine foods expertly served by
|
|
waitresses in apetizing forms.
|
|
|
|
* Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
|
|
|
|
* For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
|
|
drawers.
|
|
|
|
* For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table,
|
|
pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur
|
|
collar.
|
|
|
|
* Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
|
|
|
|
* Now is the perfect time to get your ears pierced and get an extra
|
|
pair to take home, too!
|
|
|
|
* Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory
|
|
|
|
* Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
|
|
|
|
* We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by
|
|
hand.
|
|
|
|
* No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make
|
|
it really repellent
|
|
|
|
* For Sale. Three canaries of undetermined sex.
|
|
|
|
* For Sale - Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan
|
|
Huskey.
|
|
|
|
* Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul,
|
|
fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.
|
|
|
|
* 7 ounces of choice sirloin, steak, boiled to your likeness and
|
|
smothered with golden fried onion rings.
|
|
|
|
* Great Dames for sale.
|
|
|
|
* Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful
|
|
condition.
|
|
|
|
* Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
|
|
|
|
* 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawney Port, sold to pay for
|
|
charges, the opwner having been lost sight of, and bottled by us last
|
|
year.
|
|
|
|
* Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
|
|
|
|
* Vacation Special: Have your house exterminated.
|
|
|
|
* If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere
|
|
Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la
|
|
Fountain and Chopin.
|
|
|
|
* Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
|
|
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
|
|
|
|
* The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds and
|
|
other athletic facilities.
|
|
|
|
* Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
|
|
|
|
* Toaster: A fift that every member of the family appreciates.
|
|
Automatically burns toast.
|
|
|
|
* Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so servicable that
|
|
lots of women wear nothing else.
|
|
|
|
* Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
|
|
|
|
* We build bodies that last a lifetime.
|
|
|
|
* Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
|
|
|
|
* This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better
|
|
Homes & Gardens.
|
|
|
|
* For Sale - Diamonds $20,00; microsopes $15.00.
|
|
|
|
* For Rent: 6 room hated apartment.
|
|
|
|
* Man, honest. Will take anything.
|
|
|
|
* Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200.00 a month.
|
|
References required.
|
|
|
|
* Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
|
|
|
|
* Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
|
|
|
|
* Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
|
|
|
|
* Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
|
|
|
|
* Modular Sofas. Only $299.00. For rest or fore play.
|
|
|
|
* Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
|
|
|
|
* Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
|
|
|
|
* 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
|
|
|
|
* Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals
|
|
and snacks included.
|
|
|
|
* Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
|
|
|
|
* Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,
|
|
you'll never go anywhere again.
|
|
|
|
* See ladies blouses. 50% off!
|
|
|
|
* Holcross pulletts. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204
|
|
|
|
* Wanted. Preparer of food. Must be dependable like the food
|
|
business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
|
|
|
|
* Illiterate? Write today for free help.
|
|
|
|
* Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.
|
|
Blue Cross and salary.
|
|
|
|
* Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
|
|
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth
|
|
of family.
|
|
|
|
* Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
|
|
efficient beating
|
|
|
|
* Mother's helper - peasant working conditions.
|
|
|
|
* Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.
|
|
|
|
* And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
|
|
unrivaled inconvenience.
|
|
|
|
* We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home
|
|
for $1.00
|
|
|
|
And these beauties from the radio:
|
|
|
|
* Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a rediculous
|
|
figure.
|
|
|
|
* Be with us again next Saturday at 10:00 P. M. for "High Fidelity,"
|
|
designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.
|
|
|
|
* When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green
|
|
bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.
|
|
|
|
* Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs
|
|
with the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Some memorable headlines
|
|
|
|
JURY GETS DRUNK
|
|
DRIVING CASE HERE
|
|
|
|
MAN IS FATALY SLAIN
|
|
|
|
NIGHT SCHOOL TO
|
|
HEAR PEST TALK
|
|
|
|
PRISONERS ESCAPE
|
|
FROM PRISON FARM
|
|
AFTER EXECUTION
|
|
|
|
SUES BRIDE OF 4 MOUTHS
|
|
|
|
HOTEL BURNS.
|
|
TWO HUNDRED GUESTS ESCAPE HALF GLAD
|
|
|
|
INFANT MORALITY
|
|
SHOWS DROP HERE
|
|
|
|
SANTA ROSA MAN DENIES
|
|
HE COMMITED SUICIDE IN
|
|
SOUTH SAN FRANCISCO
|
|
|
|
ENRAGED COW INJURES
|
|
FARMER WITH AX
|
|
|
|
SENAT PASSES DEATH PENALTY
|
|
Measure provides for Electrocution for
|
|
all persons over 17.
|
|
|
|
Thugs eat then
|
|
rob proprieter
|
|
|
|
Scent foul play in death
|
|
of man found bound and hanged
|
|
|
|
Dog in bed, asks divorce
|
|
|
|
WILD WIFE LEAGUE
|
|
WILL MEET TONIGHT
|
|
|
|
BOY COOKS MUST
|
|
EAT OWN VITALS
|
|
|
|
BACHELORS PREFER BEAUTY
|
|
TO BRAINS IN THEIR WIVES
|
|
|
|
LOCAL MAN HAS
|
|
LONGEST HORNS IN ALL TEXAS
|
|
|
|
OFFICER CONVICTED OF
|
|
ACCEPTING BRIDE
|
|
|
|
40 MEN ESCAPE WATERY GRAVES
|
|
WHEN VESSEL FLOUNDERS IN ALE
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|