906 lines
28 KiB
Plaintext
906 lines
28 KiB
Plaintext
Monty Python's Life of Brian
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Brian ... the babe they called Brian
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Grew ... grew grew and grew, grew up to be
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A boy called Brian
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A boy called Brian
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He had arms and legs and hands and feet
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This boy whose name was Brian
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And he grew, grew, grew and grew
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Grew up to be
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Yes he grew up to be
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A teenager called Brian
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A teenager called Brian
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And his face became spotty
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Yes his face became spotty
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And his voice dropped down low
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And things started to grow
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On young Brian and show
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He was certainly no
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No girl named Brian
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Not a girl named Brian
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And he started to shave
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And have one off the wrist
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And want to see girls
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And go out and get pissed
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This man called Brian
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This man called Brian
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Three camels are silhouetted against the bright stars of the
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moonless sky, moving slowly along the horizon. A star leads
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them towards Bethlehem. The Wise Men enter the gates of the
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sleeping town and make their way through the deserted streets.
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A dog snarls at them. They approach a stable, out of which
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streams a beam of light. They dismount and enter to find a
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typical manger scene, with a baby in a rough crib of straw and
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patient animals standing around. The mother nods by the side
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of the child. Suddenly she wakes from her lightish doze, sees
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them, shrieks and falls backwards off her straw. She's up
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again in a flash, looking guardedly at them. She is a ratbag.
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Mandy: Who are you?
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Wise Man 1: We are three wise men.
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Wise Man 2: We are astrologers. We have come from the East.
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Mandy: Is this some kind of joke?
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Wise Man 1: We wish to praise the infant.
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Wise Man 2: We must pay homage to him.
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Mandy: Homage!! You're all drunk you are. It's disgusting.
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Out, out!
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Wise Man 3: No, no.
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Mandy: Coming bursting in here first thing in the morning
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with some tale about Oriental fortune tellers...
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get out!
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Wise Man 1: No. No we must see him.
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Mandy: Go and praise someone else's brat, go on.
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Wise Man 2: We were led by a star.
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Mandy: Led by a bottle, more like. Get out!
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Wise Man 2: We must see him. We have brought presents.
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Mandy: Out!
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Wise Man 1: Gold, frankincense, myrrh.
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(her attitude changes immediately)
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Mandy: Well, why didn't you say so? He's over here...Sorry
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this place is a bit of a mess. What is myrrh, anyway?
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Wise Man 3: It is a valuable balm.
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Mandy: A balm, what are you giving him a balm for? It might
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bite him.
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Wise Man 3: What?
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Mandy: It's a dangerous animal. Quick, throw it in the trough.
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Wise Man 3: No it isn't.
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Mandy: Yes it is.
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Wise Man 3: No, no, it is an ointment.
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Mandy: An ointment?
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Wise Man 3: Look.
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Mandy: (sampling the ointment with a grubby finger)
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Oh. There is an animal called a balm or did I dream it?
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You astrologers, eh? Well, what's he then?
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Wise Man 2: H'm?
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Mandy: What star sign is he?
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Wise Man 2: Capricorn.
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Mandy: Capricorn, eh, what are they like?
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Wise Man 2: He is the son of God, our Messiah.
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Wise Man 1: King of the Jews.
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Mandy: And that's Capricorn, is it?
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Wise Man 3: No, no, that's just him.
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Mandy: Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of
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them.
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(The Wise Men are on their knees)
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Wise Man 2: By what name are you calling him?
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(Dramatic Holy music)
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Mandy: Brian.
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Three Wise Men:
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We worship you, Oh, Brian, who are Lord over
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us all. Praise unto you, Brian and to the
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Lord our Father. Amen.
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Mandy: Do you do a lot of this, then?
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Wise Man 1: What?
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Mandy: This praising.
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Wise Man 1: No, no, no.
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Mandy: Oh! Well, if you're dropping by again do pop in. (they
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take the hint and rise) And thanks a lot for the gold
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and frankincense but...don't worry too much about the
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myrrh next time. Thank you...Goodbye. (to Brian)
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Well, weren't they nice...out of their bloody minds,
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but still...
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In the background we see the Wise Men pause outside another door
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as a gentle glow suffuses them. They look at each other, confer
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and then stride back in and grab the presents from Mandy and turn
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to go again, pushing Mandy over.
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Mandy: Here, here, that's mine, you just gave me that. Ow!
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The Leper Scene
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(As MANDY and BRIAN pass through the city gate, they attract a sort of
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muscular, fit and healthy young BEGGAR, who pursues them relentlessly through
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the busy streets.)
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EX-LEPER
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Spare a talent for an old ex-leper, sir.
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MANDY
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(to EX-LEPER)
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Buzz off!
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EX-LEPER
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(The EX-LEPER has come round to BRIAN's side.)
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Spare a talent for an old ex-leper, sir.
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BRIAN
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Did you say -- ex-leper?
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EX-LEPER
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That's right, sir. (he salutes) ... sixteen years behind the bell, and
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proud of it, thank you sir.
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BRIAN
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What happened?
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EX-LEPER
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I was cured, sir.
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BRIAN
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Cured?
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EX-LEPER
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Yes sir, a bloody miracle, sir. Bless you.
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BRIAN
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Who cured you?
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EX-LEPER
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Jesus did. I was hopping along, when suddenly he comes and cures me.
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One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next moment me livelihood's gone.
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Not so much as a by your leave.
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(gestures in the manner of a conjuror)
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You're cured mate, sod you.
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MANDY
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Go away.
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EX-LEPER
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Look. I'm not saying that being a leper was a bowl of cherries. But it
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was a living. I mean, you try waving muscular suntanned limbs in people's
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faces demanding compassion. It's a bloody disaster.
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MANDY
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You could go and get yourself a decent job, couldn't you?
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EX-LEPER
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Look, sir, my family has been in begging six generations. I'm not about
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to become a goat-herd, just because some long-haired conjuror starts
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mucking about. (makes gesture again)
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Just like that. "You're cured." Bloody do-gooder!
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BRIAN
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Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?
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EX-LEPER
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Ah yeah, I could do that, sir yes, I suppose I could. What I was going
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to do was ask him if he could ... you know, just make me a bit lame in one
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leg during the week, you know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which
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is a pain in the arse to be quite blunt, sir, excuse my French but ...
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(They have reached BRIAN and MANDY's house. MANDY goes in. BRIAN gives the
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BEGGAR a coin.)
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BRIAN
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There you are.
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EX-LEPER
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Thank you sir ... half a denary for my bloody life story!
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BRIAN
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There's no pleasing some people
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EX-LEPER
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That's just what Jesus said.
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The Inalienable Rights Scene
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(A huge Roman amphitheatre sparsely attended. REG, FRANCIS, STAN and JUDITH
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are seated in the stands. They speak conspiratorially.)
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JUDITH
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... Any Anti-Imperialist group like ours must *reflect* such a divergence
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of interests within its power-base.
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REG
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Agreed.
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(General nodding.)
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Francis?
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FRANCIS
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I think Judith's point of view is valid here, Reg, provided the Movement
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never forgets that it is the inalienable right of every man ...
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STAN
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Or woman.
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FRANCIS
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Or woman ... to rid himself ...
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STAN
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Or herself.
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REG
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Or herself. Agreed. Thank you, brother.
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STAN
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Or sister.
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FRANCIS
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Thank you, brother. Or sister. Where was I?
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REG
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I thought you'd finished.
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FRANCIS
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Oh, did I? Right.
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REG
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Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man ...
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STAN
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Or woman.
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REG
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Why don't you shut up about women, Stan, you're putting us off.
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STAN
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Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.
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FRANCIS
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Why are you always on about women, Stan?
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STAN
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... I want to be one.
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REG
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... What?
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STAN
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I want to be a woman. From now on I want you all to call me Loretta.
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REG
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What!?
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STAN
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It's my right as a man.
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JUDITH
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Why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
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STAN
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I want to have babies.
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REG
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You want to have babies?!?!?!
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STAN
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It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
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REG
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But you can't have babies.
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STAN
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Don't you oppress me.
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REG
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I'm not oppressing you, Stan -- you haven't got a womb. Where's the
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fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?
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(STAN starts crying.)
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JUDITH
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Here! I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have
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babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans',
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but that he can have the *right* to have babies.
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FRANCIS
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Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have
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babies, brother. Sister, sorry.
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REG
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What's the point?
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FRANCIS
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What?
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REG
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What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can't
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have babies?
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FRANCIS
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It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
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REG
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It's symbolic of his struggle against reality.
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The Front's Demands Scene
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(The interior of MATTHIAS'S HOUSE. A cellar-like room with a very
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conspiratorial atmosphere. REG and STAN are seated at a table at one end of
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the room. FRANCIS, dressed in commando gear -- black robes and a red sash
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around his head -- is standing by a plan on the wall. He is addressing an
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audience of about eight MASKED COMMANDOS. Their faces are partially hidden.)
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FRANCIS
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We get in through the underground heating system here ... up through to
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the main audience chamber here ... and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here.
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Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody and
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forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?
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COMMANDO XERXES
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What exactly are the demands?
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REG
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We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the
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Roman Imperialist State and if he doesn't agree immediately we execute her.
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MATTHIAS
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Cut her head of?
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FRANCIS
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Cut all her bits off, send 'em back every hour on the hour ... show him
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we're not to be trifled with.
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REG
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Also, we're demanding a ten foot mahogany statue of the Emperor Julius
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Caesar with his cock hanging out.
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STAN
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What? They'll never agree to that, Reg.
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REG
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That's just a bargaining counter. And of course, we point out that they
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bear full responsibility when we chop her up, AND ... that we shall NOT
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submit to blackmail.
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ALL
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(Applause) No blackmail!!!!
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REG
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They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had,
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not just from us, from our fathers and from our fathers' fathers.
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STAN
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And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.
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REG
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Yes.
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STAN
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And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers.
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REG
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All right, Stan. Don't labour the point. And what have they ever given
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us IN RETURN? (he pauses smugly)
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XERXES
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The aqueduct?
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REG
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What?
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XERXES
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The aqueduct.
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REG
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Oh yeah, yeah they gave us that. Yeah. That's true.
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MASKED COMMANDO
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And the sanitation!
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STAN
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Oh yes ... sanitation, Reg, you remember what the city used to be like.
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REG
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All right, I'll grant you that the aqueduct and the sanitation are two
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things that the Romans HAVE done ...
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MATTHIAS
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And the roads ...
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REG
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(sharply) Well YES OBVIOUSLY the roads ... the roads go without saying.
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But apart from the aqueduct, the sanitation and the roads ...
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ANOTHER MASKED COMMANDO
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Irrigation ...
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OTHER MASKED VOICES
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Medicine ... Education ... Health
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REG
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Yes ... all right, fair enough ...
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COMMANDO NEARER THE FRONT
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And the wine ...
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GENERAL
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Oh yes! True!
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FRANCIS
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Yeah. That's something we'd really miss if the Romans left, Reg.
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MASKED COMMANDO AT BACK
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Public baths!
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STAN
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AND it's safe to walk in the streets at night now.
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FRANCIS
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Yes, they certainly know how to keep order ...
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(general nodding)
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... let's face it, they're the only ones who could in a place like this.
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(more general murmurs of agreement)
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REG
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All right ... all right ... but apart from better sanitation and medicine
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and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater
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system and baths and public order ... what HAVE the Romans done for US?
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XERXES
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Brought peace!
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REG
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(very angry, he's not having a good meeting at all)
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What!? Oh ... (scornfully) Peace, yes ... shut up!
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Latin Lesson
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Brian is writing a slogan to a wall, oblivious to the Roman patrol approaching
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from behind. The slogan is "ROMANES EUNT DOMUS".
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C: What's this thing?
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"ROMANES EUNT DOMUS"?
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"People called Romanes they go the house"?
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B: It, it says "Romans go home".
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C: No it doesn't. What's Latin for "Roman"?
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B: (hesitates)
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C: Come on, come on!
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B: (uncertain) "ROMANUS".
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C: Goes like?
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B: "-ANUS".
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C: Vocative plural of "-ANUS" is?
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B: "-ANI".
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C: (takes paintbrush from Brian and paints over) "RO-MA-NI".
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"EUNT"? What is "EUNT"?
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B: "Go".
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C: Conjugate the verb "to go"!
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B: "IRE". "EO", "IS", "IT", "IMUS", "ITIS", "EUNT".
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C: So "EUNT" is ...?
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B: Third person plural present indicative, "they go".
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C: But "Romans, go home!" is an order, so you must use the ...?
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(lifts Brian by his hairs)
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B: The ... imperative.
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C: Which is?
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B: Ahm, oh, oh, "I", "I"!
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C: How many romans? (pulls harder)
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B: Plural, plural! "ITE".
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C: (strikes over "EUNT" and paints "ITE" to the wall)
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(satisfied) "I-TE".
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"DOMUS"? Nominative? "Go home", this is motion towards, isn't it, boy?
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B: (very anxious) Dative?
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C: (draws his sword and holds it to Brian's throat)
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B: Ahh! No, ablative, ablative, sir. No, the, accusative, accusative,
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ah, DOMUM, sir.
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C: Except that "DOMUS" takes the ...?
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B: ... the locative, sir!
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C: Which is?
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B: "DOMUM".
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C: (satisfied) "DOMUM" (strikes out "DOMUS" and writes "DOMUM") "-MUM".
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Understand?
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B: Yes sir.
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C: Now write it down a hundred times.
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B: Yes sir, thank you sir, hail Caesar, sir.
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C: (salutes) Hail Caesar.
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If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
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B: (very reliefed) Oh thank you sir, thank you sir, hail Caesar and
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everything, sir!
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The Brian in Jail Scene
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(BRIAN wakes up with a smile on his face to find himself being dragged along a
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cell corridor by TWO GUARDS. The horrible figure of the JAILER spits at him
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and flings him into a dark damp cell, slamming the iron grate behind him and
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turning the key hollowly in the lock. BRIAN slumps to the floor. A voice
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comes out of the darkness behind him.)
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BEN
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You LUCKY bastard!
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BRIAN
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(spins around and peers into the gloom)
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Who's that?
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BEN
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(In the darkness BRIAN just makes out an emaciated figure, suspended on the
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wall, with his feet off the ground, by chains round his wrists. This is BEN.)
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You lucky, lucky bastard.
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BRIAN
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What?
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BEN
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(with great bitterness) Proper little gaoler's pet, aren't we?
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BRIAN
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(ruffled) What do you mean?
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BEN
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You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?
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BRIAN
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Slipped him a few shekels!? You saw him spit in my face!
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BEN
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Ohh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face! I sometimes hang
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awake at nights dreaming of being spat in the face.
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BRIAN
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Well, it's not exactly friendly, is it? They had me in manacles ...
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BEN
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Manacles! Oooh.
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(his eyes go quite dreamy)
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My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be put in manacles ... just for a
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few hours. They must think the sun shines out of your arse, sonny!
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BRIAN
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Listen! They beat me up before they threw me in here.
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BEN
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Oh yeah? The only day they don't beat me up is on my birthday.
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BRIAN
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Oh shut up.
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BEN
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Well, your type makes me sick! You come in here, you get treated like
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Royalty, and everyone outside thinks you're a bloody martyr.
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BRIAN
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Oh, lay off me ... I've had a hard time!
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BEN
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YOU'VE had a hard time! Listen, sonny! I've been here five years and
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they only hung me the right way up yesterday!
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BRIAN
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All right! All right!
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BEN
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I just wish I had half your luck. They must think you're Lord God
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Almighty!
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BRIAN
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What'll they do to me?
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BEN
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Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
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BRIAN
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Crucifixion!
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BEN
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Yeah, first offence.
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BRIAN
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Get away with crucifixion!
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BEN
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Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
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BRIAN
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(incredulous) What?
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BEN
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Oh yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion this country would be in a right
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bloody mess I tell you.
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BRIAN
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(who can stand it no longer) Guard!
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BEN
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Nail 'em up I say!
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BRIAN
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(dragging himself over to the door) Guard!
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BEN
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Nail some sense into them!
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GUARD
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(looking through the bars) What do you want?
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
I want to be moved to another cell.
|
|
(GUARD spits in his face.)
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
Oh! (he recoils in helpless disgust)
|
|
BEN
|
|
Oh ... look at that! Bloody favouritism!
|
|
GUARD
|
|
Shut up, you!
|
|
BEN
|
|
Sorry! Sorry!
|
|
(he lowers his voice)
|
|
Now take my case. I've been here five years, and every night they take
|
|
me down for ten minutes, then they hang me up again ... which I regard as
|
|
very fair ... in view of what I done ... and if nothing else, it's taught
|
|
me to respect the Romans, and it's taught me that you'll never get
|
|
anywhere in life unless you're prepared to do a fair day's work for a fair
|
|
day's pay ...
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
Oh ... Shut up!
|
|
CENTURION
|
|
Pilate wants to see you.
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
Me?
|
|
CENTURION
|
|
Come on.
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
Pilate? What does he want to see me for?
|
|
CENTURION
|
|
I think he wants to know which way up you want to be crucified.
|
|
(He laughs. The TWO SOLDIERS smirk. BEN laughs uproariously.)
|
|
BEN
|
|
... Nice one, centurion. Like it, like it.
|
|
CENTURION
|
|
(to BEN) Shut up! (BRIAN is hustled out. The door slams.)
|
|
BEN
|
|
Terrific race the Romans ... terrific.
|
|
|
|
The Pilate's Chamber Scene
|
|
|
|
(BRIAN is hauled into PILATE'S audience chamber. It is big and impressive,
|
|
although a certain amount of redecorating is underway. The CENTURION salutes.)
|
|
|
|
CENTURION
|
|
Hail Caesar.
|
|
PILATE
|
|
Hail Caesar.
|
|
CENTURION
|
|
Only one survivor, sir.
|
|
PILATE
|
|
Thwow him to the floor.
|
|
CENTURION
|
|
What sir?
|
|
PILATE
|
|
Thwow him to the floor.
|
|
CENTURION
|
|
Ah!
|
|
(He indicates to the two roman GUARDS who throw BRIAN to the ground.)
|
|
PILATE
|
|
Now, what is your name, Jew?
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
Brian.
|
|
PILATE
|
|
Bwian, eh?
|
|
BRIAN (trying to be helpful)
|
|
No, *BRIAN*.
|
|
(The CENTURION cuffs him.)
|
|
PILATE
|
|
The little wascal has spiwit.
|
|
CENTURION
|
|
Has what, sir?
|
|
PILATE
|
|
*SPIWIT*.
|
|
CENTURION
|
|
Yes, he did, sir.
|
|
PILATE
|
|
No, no, spiwit ... bwavado ... a touch of dewwing-do.
|
|
CENTURION (still not really understanding)
|
|
Ah. About eleven, sir.
|
|
PILATE (to BRIAN)
|
|
So you dare to waid us.
|
|
BRIAN (rising to his feet)
|
|
To what?
|
|
PILATE
|
|
Stwike him, centuwion, vewwy woughly.
|
|
CENTURION
|
|
And throw him to the floor, sir?
|
|
PILATE
|
|
What?
|
|
CENTURION
|
|
THWOW him to the floor again, sir?
|
|
PILATE
|
|
Oh yes. Thwow him to the floor.
|
|
(The CENTURION knocks BRIAN hard on the side of the head again and the TWO
|
|
GUARDS throw him to the floor.)
|
|
PILATE
|
|
Now, Jewish wapscallion.
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
I'm not Jewish ... I'm a Roman!
|
|
PILATE
|
|
*WOMAN*?
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
No, *ROMAN*.
|
|
(But he's not quick enough to avoid another blow from the CENTURION.)
|
|
PILATE
|
|
So, your father was a *WOMAN*. Who was he?
|
|
BRIAN (proudly)
|
|
He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrison.
|
|
PILATE
|
|
Oh. What was his name?
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
Nortius Maximus.
|
|
(An involuntary titter arises from the CENTURION.)
|
|
PILATE
|
|
Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
|
|
CENTURION
|
|
Well ... no sir.
|
|
PILATE
|
|
You sound vewwy sure ... have you checked?
|
|
CENTURION
|
|
Well ... no sir ... I think it's a joke, sir ... like ... Sillius Soddus
|
|
or ... Biggus Dickus.
|
|
PILATE
|
|
What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?
|
|
CENTURION
|
|
Well ... it's a ... joke name, sir.
|
|
PILATE
|
|
I have a vewwy gweat fwend in Wome called Biggus Dickus.
|
|
(Involuntary laughter from a nearby GUARD surprises PILATE.)
|
|
PILATE
|
|
Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in
|
|
gladiator school vewwy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
|
|
(The GUARD tries to stop giggling. PILATE turns away from him. He is angry.)
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
Can I go now sir ...
|
|
(The CENTURION strikes him.)
|
|
PILATE
|
|
Wait till Biggus hears of this!
|
|
(The GUARD immediately breaks up again. PILATE turns on him.)
|
|
PILATE
|
|
Wight! Centuwion ... take him away.
|
|
CENTURION
|
|
Oh sir, he only ...
|
|
PILATE
|
|
I want him fighting wabid wild animals within a week.
|
|
CENTURION
|
|
Yes, sir.
|
|
(He starts to drag out the wretched GUARD. BRIAN notices that little
|
|
attention is being paid to him.)
|
|
PILATE
|
|
I will not have my fwends widiculed by the common soldiewy.
|
|
(He walks slowly towards the other GUARDS.)
|
|
PILATE
|
|
Now ... anyone else feel like a little giggle when I mention my fwend ...
|
|
(He goes right up to one of the GUARDS.)
|
|
Biggus ... Dickus. He has a wife you know.
|
|
(The GUARDS tense up.)
|
|
Called Incontinentia.
|
|
(The GUARDS relax.)
|
|
Incontinentia Buttocks!
|
|
(The GUARDS fall about laughing. BRIAN takes advantage of the chaos to slip
|
|
away.)
|
|
PILATE
|
|
Silence! I've had enough of this wowdy wabble webel behaviour. Stop it!
|
|
Call yourselves Pwaetonian guards. Silence!
|
|
(But the GUARDS are all hysterical by now. PILATE notices BRIAN escaping.)
|
|
PILATE
|
|
You cwowd of cwacking-up cweeps. Seize him! Blow your noses and seize
|
|
him! Oh my bum.
|
|
|
|
The Market Haggling Scene
|
|
|
|
(After BRIAN has escaped the CENTURIONS, he runs off towards the crowded
|
|
market square. At one end of the market there is a speakers' corner, with
|
|
many strangely bearded and oddly dressed PROPHETS attempting to attract an
|
|
audience. The noisiest or the most controversial are clearly doing best at
|
|
attracting PASSERS-BY. A STRANGE FIGURE with a rasta hairstyle, covered in
|
|
mud, and with two severed hands on a pole waves wildly at the audience.)
|
|
BLOOD & THUNDER PROPHET
|
|
... and shall ride forth on a serpents' back, and the eyes shall be red
|
|
with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall rise
|
|
over the hill of excitement and throughout the land there will be a great
|
|
rubbing of parts ...
|
|
(Beside him, another PROPHET with red hair, none the less fierce, is trying to
|
|
attract some of the BLOOD & THUNDER PROPHET'S audience.)
|
|
FALSE PROPHET
|
|
And he shall bear a nine-bladed sword. Nine-bladed. Not two. Or five
|
|
or seven, but nine, which he shall wield on all wretched sinners and that
|
|
includes you sir, and the horns shall be on the head ...
|
|
(In front of each PROPHET is a ROMAN GUARD, clearly bored but there to break
|
|
up any trouble. BRIAN races into the market place. A cohort of ROMANS are
|
|
searching the square roughly turning over baskets and shaking down PASSERS-BY.
|
|
BRIAN appears near a rather dull little PROPHET, who is standing underneath
|
|
the high window that backs out of MATTHIAS' house, the revolutionary HQ.
|
|
BORING PROPHET
|
|
And there shall in that time be rumours of things going astray, and there
|
|
will be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will
|
|
really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia work
|
|
base, that has an attachment they will not be there.
|
|
(Across the square the ROMANS appear, searching. BRIAN spots HARRY, the beard
|
|
salesman and moves towards his stall, an idea forming in his mind.)
|
|
(The BORING PROPHET drones on and on.)
|
|
BORING PROPHET
|
|
At this time a friend shall lose his friends's hammer and the young shall
|
|
not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their
|
|
fathers put there only just the night before ...
|
|
(BRIAN runs up to HARRY the beard seller's stall and hurriedly grabs an
|
|
artificial beard.)
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
How much? Quick!
|
|
HARRY
|
|
What?
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
It's for the wife.
|
|
HARRY
|
|
Oh. Twenty shekels.
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
Right.
|
|
HARRY
|
|
What?
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
(as he puts down 20 shekels) There you are.
|
|
HARRY
|
|
Wait a moment.
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
What?
|
|
HARRY
|
|
We're supposed to haggle.
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
No, no, I've got to ...
|
|
HARRY
|
|
What do you mean, no?
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
I haven't time, I've got to get ...
|
|
HARRY
|
|
Give it back then.
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
No, no, I paid you.
|
|
HARRY
|
|
Burt! (BURT appears. He is very big.)
|
|
BURT
|
|
Yeah!
|
|
HARRY
|
|
This bloke won't haggle.
|
|
BURT
|
|
(looking around) Where are the guards?
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
Oh, all right ... I mean do we have to ...
|
|
HARRY
|
|
Now I want twenty for that ...
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
I gave you twenty.
|
|
HARRY
|
|
Now are you telling me that's not worth twenty shekels?
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
No.
|
|
HARRY
|
|
Feel the quality, that's none of yer goat.
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
Oh ... I'll give you nineteen then.
|
|
HARRY
|
|
No, no. Do it properly.
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
What?
|
|
HARRY
|
|
Haggle properly. This isn't worth nineteen.
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
You just said it was worth twenty.
|
|
HARRY
|
|
Burt!!
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
I'll give you ten.
|
|
HARRY
|
|
That's more like it. (outraged) Ten!? Are you trying to insult me?
|
|
Me? With a poor dying grandmother ... Ten!?!
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
Eleven.
|
|
HARRY
|
|
Now you're getting it. Eleven!?! Did I hear you right? Eleven? This
|
|
cost me twelve. You want to ruin me.
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
Seventeen.
|
|
HARRY
|
|
Seventeen!
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
Eighteen?
|
|
HARRY
|
|
No, no, no. You go to fourteen now.
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
Fourteen.
|
|
HARRY
|
|
Fourteen, are you joking?
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
That's what you told me to say.
|
|
(HARRY registers total despair.)
|
|
Tell me what to say. Please.
|
|
HARRY
|
|
Offer me fourteen.
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
I'll give you fourteen.
|
|
HARRY
|
|
(to onlookers) He's offering me fourteen for this!
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
Fifteen.
|
|
HARRY
|
|
Seventeen. My last word. I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead.
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
Sixteen.
|
|
HARRY
|
|
Done. (He grasps BRIAN'S hand and shakes it.) Nice to do business with
|
|
you. Tell you what, I'll throw in this as well. (He gives BRIAN a gourd.)
|
|
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
I don't want it but thanks.
|
|
HARRY
|
|
Burt!
|
|
BURT
|
|
(appearing rapidly) Yes?
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
All right! All right!! Thank you.
|
|
HARRY
|
|
Where's the sixteen then?
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
I already gave you twenty.
|
|
HARRY
|
|
Oh yes ... that's four I owe you then. (starts looking for change)
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
... It's all right, it doesn't matter.
|
|
HARRY
|
|
Hang on.
|
|
(Pause as HARRY can't find change. BRIAN sees a pair of prowling ROMANS.)
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
It's all right, that's four for the gourd -- that's fine!
|
|
HARRY
|
|
Four for the gourd. Four!!!! Look at it, that's worth ten if it's worth
|
|
a shekel.
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
You just gave it to me for nothing.
|
|
HARRY
|
|
Yes, but it's *worth* ten.
|
|
BRIAN
|
|
All right, all right.
|
|
HARRY
|
|
No, no, no. It's not worth ten. You're supposed to argue. "What? Ten
|
|
for that, you must be mad!"
|
|
(BRIAN pays ten, runs off with the gourd, and fixes the beard on his face.)
|
|
Ah, well there's one born every minute.
|
|
|
|
Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
|
|
|
|
Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say.
|
|
Some things in life are bad,
|
|
They can really make you mad.
|
|
Other things just make you swear and curse.
|
|
When you're chewing on life's gristle,
|
|
Don't grumble, give a whistle!
|
|
And this'll help things turn out for the best...
|
|
And...
|
|
|
|
(the music fades into the song)
|
|
|
|
..always look on the bright side of life!
|
|
(whistle)
|
|
|
|
Always look on the bright side of life...
|
|
If life seems jolly rotten,
|
|
There's something you've forgotten!
|
|
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing,
|
|
|
|
When you're feeling in the dumps,
|
|
Don't be silly chumps,
|
|
Just purse your lips and whistle -- that's the thing!
|
|
And... always look on the bright side of life...
|
|
|
|
(whistle)
|
|
Come on!
|
|
|
|
(other start to join in)
|
|
Always look on the bright side of life...
|
|
(whistle)
|
|
|
|
For life is quite absurd,
|
|
And death's the final word.
|
|
You must always face the curtain with a bow!
|
|
Forget about your sin -- give the audience a grin,
|
|
Enjoy it -- it's the last chance anyhow!
|
|
|
|
So always look on the bright side of death!
|
|
Just before you draw your terminal breath.
|
|
Life's a piece of shit,
|
|
When you look at it.
|
|
|
|
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true,
|
|
You'll see it's all a show,
|
|
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
|
|
Just remember that the last laugh is on you!
|
|
|
|
And always look on the bright side of life...
|
|
(whistle)
|
|
Always look on the bright side of life
|
|
(whistle)
|
|
|