1299 lines
45 KiB
Plaintext
1299 lines
45 KiB
Plaintext
Fawlty Towers
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A Touch of Class
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Written by John Cleese and Connie Booth
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First of first series, first broadcast on September 19, 1975 on BBC2
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Transcribed by Jason R. Heimbaugh (jrh@uiuc.edu) on October 10, 1993
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Basil Fawlty John Cleese
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Sybil Fawlty Prunella Scales
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Manuel Andrew Sachs
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Polly Connie Booth
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Major Gowen Ballard Berkeley
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Miss Tibbs Gilly Flower
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Miss Gatsby Renee Roberts
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Lord Melbury Michael Gwynn
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Danny Brown Robin Ellis
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Sir Richard Morris Martin Wyldeck
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Mr Watson Lionel Wheeler
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Mr Wareing Terence Conoley
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Mr Mackenzie David Simeon
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[The Fawlty Towers reception lobby. The main entrance is at the
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back, with the stairs to the right. The entrance to the dining
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room is in the right wall; on the left, the reception desk
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running along the left wall, with the entrance to the office
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behind it. The entrance to the bar is beyond the desk.]
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Basil [on the phone] One double room without bath for the 16th, 17th
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and 18th... yes, and if you'd be so good as to confirm by
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letter? ... thank you so much, goodbye. [puts the phone down]
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Sybil [bustling in] Have you made up the bill for room twelve, Basil?
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Basil No, I haven't yet, no.
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Sybil Well, they're in a hurry. Polly says they didn't get their
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alarm call. And Basil, please get that picture up - it's been
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there for a week. [goes into office]
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Basil It's been there since Monday, Sybil... Tuesday... Wednesday...
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Friday... Sat - [realizes Sybil is no longer there; goes across
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to Manuel who has come in carrying three breakfast trays]
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Manuel! There - is - too - much - butter - on - those - trays.
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Manuel Que?
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Basil There is too much butter *on those trays*. [he points to each
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tray in turn]
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Manuel No, no, no, Senor!
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Basil What?
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Manuel Not 'on- those- trays'. No sir - 'uno dos tres.' Uno... dos...
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tres...
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Basil No, no. Hay mucho burro alli!
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Manuel Que?
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Basil Hay... mucho... burro... alli!
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Manuel Ah, mantequilla!
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Basil What? Que?
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Manuel Mantequilla. Burro is... is... [brays like a donkey]
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Basil What?
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Manuel Burro... [does more donkey imitations]
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Basil Manuel, por favor...
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Manuel Si, si...
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Sybil [coming back in] What's the matter, Basil?
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Basil Nothing, dear, I'm just dealing with it.
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Manuel [to Sybil] He speak good... how do you say...?
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Sybil English!
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Basil Mantequilla... solamente... dos...
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Manuel Dos?
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Sybil [to Basil] Don't look at me. You're the one who's supposed to
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be able to speak it.
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[Basil angrily grabs the excess butter from the trays.]
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Basil Two pieces! Two each! Arriba, arriba!!
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[He waves his hand towards the bedrooms and Manuel runs off.]
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Sybil I don't know why you wanted to hire him, Basil.
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Basil [sitting at typewriter] Because he's cheap and keen to learn,
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dear. And in this day and age such...
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Sybil But why did you say you could speak the language?
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Basil I learnt classical Spanish, not the strange dialect he seems to
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have picked up.
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Sybil It'd be quicker to train a monkey.
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[Misses Tibbs and Gatsby come down the stairs.]
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Sybil [turning on the charm] Good morning Miss Gatsby, morning Miss
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Tibbs.
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Basil [imitating the charm ironically] Good morning, good morning.
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Sybil Basil!
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Basil Yes, dear?
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Sybil Are you going to hang the picture?
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Basil Yes I am, dear, yes, yes...
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Sybil When?
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Basil When I've, when I've...
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Sybil Well, why don't you do it now?
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Basil Well, I'm doing this, dear [indicating typewriter]... I'm doing
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the menu.
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Sybil You've got all morning to do the menu. Why don't you hang the
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picture now? ... Well?
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Basil [jumping up] Yes, all right, I won't do the menu... I don't
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think you realize how long it takes to do the menu, but no, it
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doesn't matter, I'll hang the picture now. If the menus are
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late for lunch it doesn't matter, the guests can all come and
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look at the picture till they are ready, right? [he starts to
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hang the picture to the right of the dining-room door]
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Sybil Lower... [he lowers it]... Lower... up a bit... There! [she
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disappears]
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Basil Thank you, dear. Thank you so much. I don't know where I'd be
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without you... in the land of the living, probably.
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[He holds the picture in position. A young couple, the
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Mackenzies, come hurriedly down the stairs and ring the
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reception bell.]
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Basil Yes?
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Mr Mackenzie Er... could we have our bill please?
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Basil Well, can you *wait* a minute?
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Mr Mackenzie Er... I'm afraid we're a bit late for our train - we didn't get
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our alarm call.
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[Basil glowers at them, then puts the picture down and strides
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back to the typewriter.]
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Basil Right. I was up at five, you know, we do have staff probelms,
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I'm so sorry, it's all done by magic.
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[He starts typing the bill. Sybil looks in from the office.]
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Sybil [accussingly] Basil, are you doing the menu?
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Basil No, I'm not doing the menu, dear. I am doing the bill for these
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charming people who are in a hurry.
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Mr Mackenzie [to Sybil] I'm sorry to cause all this trouble, but the reason
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we're late is we didn't get our alarm call.
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Sybil Oh dear, I am sorry. [sweetly] Basil, why didn't they get their
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alarm call?
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Basil Because *I forgot*! I am so sorry I am not perfect! There you
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are, there's the bill. Perhaps you'd pay my wife, I have to put
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the picture up... if there aren't any dustbins to be cleaned
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out...
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[He walks towards the picture again. A newspaper boy comes in
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and puts his papers on the tables.]
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Newspaper boy Newspapers!
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[Basil turns after him aggressively, tapping his watch - the
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boy exits rapidly. The Mackenzies leave; Basil's farewell smile
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lacks integrity.]
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Basil Goodbye. See you again!
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Sybil Don't forget the picture, Basil.
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Basil I won't, dear, leave it to me.
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Sybil I'm going out now. I expect it to up when I get back. [she
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leaves]
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Basil [through his teetch] Drive carefully, dear...
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[He takes the papers into the dining room, and, ignoring the
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other guests, gives one to Major Gowen.]
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Basil Ah, good morning, Major.
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The Major Morning, Fawlty.
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Basil I do apologise for the tardiness of the arrival of your
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newspaper this morning, Major. I will speak to them again, see
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if *something* can be done.
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The Major Ah, more strikes... dustmen... Post Office... It makes you want
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to cry, doesn't it. What's happened to the old ideal of doing
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something for your fellow man, of service? I mean, today...
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Mr Watson [from his table] Mr Fawlty?
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Basil Yes, I'm coming, I'm coming! [to the Major, quietly] They treat
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you like dirt, you know... of course it's pure ignorance, but
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with the *class* of guests one gets nowadays...
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The Major Ah! D'Olivera made a hundred!
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Basil Did he? Did he really? Good for him, good old Dolly. Well,
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well, well... [Polly arrives with a cup of tea; he takes it,
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and gives her the other papers] Thank you, Polly.
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Mr Watson We're only staying till Sunday!
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Basil Right, thank you... [he picks up some food from the sideboard
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and goes through the lobby into the office; he has just sat
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down when he hears Sybil coming and hurriedly pushes his snack
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out of sight] Ah, I thought you were going out, dear.
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Sybil [holding out a copy of _Country Life_] What's this?
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Basil I decided, Sybil, to advertise. I...
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Sybil How much did it cost?
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Basil Oh... I haven't... fifteen?
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Sybil Forty.
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Basil [vaguely] ... Forty...
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Sybil I have *told* you where we advertise.
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Basil Sybil, I *know* the hotel business.
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Sybil No you don't, Basil.
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Basil Sybil, we've got to try to attract a better class of person.
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Sybil Why?
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Basil Well, we're losing *tone*.
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Sybil We're making money.
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Basil Yes, yes...
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Sybil Just.
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Basil Yes, but now we can try to build up a higher class of
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clientele! ...Turn away some of the riff-raff.
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Sybil So long as they pay their bills, Basil.
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Basil Is that all that matters to you, Sybil? Money?
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Sybil This advertisement is a waste of forty pounds. [turns to leave]
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Basil One moment! One moment, please! [proudly hands her a letter
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from the desk] Well?
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Sybil ...Well?
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Basil My dear woman, Sir Richard and Lady Morris, arriving this
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evening. For two nights. You see, they saw the advertisement in
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_Country Life_.
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Sybil I wish they were staying a week.
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Basil Well, so do I...
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Sybil Might pay for the ad then. [makes to leave again]
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Basil Sybil, look! If we can attract this class of customer, I
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mean... the sky's the limit!
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Sybil Basil, twenty-two rooms is the limit!
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Basil I mean, have you *seen* the people in room six? They've never
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even sat on chairs before. They are the commonest, vulgarest,
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most horrible, nasty...
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[But Sybil has gone. The reception bell rings. Basil goes to
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the reception desk; standing there is a very
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non-aristocratic-looking cockney, Danny Brown.]
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Danny 'Allo! [Basil stands appalled] Got a room?
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Basil ...I beg your pardon?
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Danny Got a room for tonight, mate?
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Basil ...I shall have to see, sir... single?
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Danny Yeah. No, make it a double, I feel lucky today! [smiling
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appreciatively at Polly, who is passing] 'Allo...
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Polly [smiling nicely] Good morning.
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[Danny watches her as she leaves. He turns back to Basil who is
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staring at him with loathing.]
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Danny Only joking.
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Basil No we haven't.
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Danny What?
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Basil No we haven't any rooms. Good day...
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Sybil [coming in] Number seven is free, Basil.
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Basil What? ...oh... Mr Tone is in number seven, dear.
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Sybil No, he left while you were putting the picture up, Basil... [to
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Danny] You have luggage, sir?
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Danny Just one case. [to Basil, pointedly] In the car... the white
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sports.
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[Basil closes his eyes in agony. Sybil rings the bell.]
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Sybil Fill this in, would you, sir?
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Basil [quietly] If you can.
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Sybil I hope you enjoy your stay [looking at register], Mr Brown.
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[Manuel arrives.]
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Basil [slowly] Er, Manuel, would you fetch this gentleman's case from
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the car outside. Take it to room seven.
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Manuel ...Is not easy for me.
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Basil What?
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Manuel Is not easy for me... entender.
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Basil Ah! It's not easy for you to understand. Manuel... [to Danny]
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We're training hime... he's from Barcelona... in Spain [to
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Manuel] Obtener la valisa...
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Manuel Que?
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Basil La valisa en el, er auto bianco sportiv... y... a la sala...
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siete... por favor. Pronto.
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Manuel Is impossible.
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Basil Look, it's perfectly simple!
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Danny [fluently] Manuel - sirvase buscar mi equipaje que esta en el
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automovil blanco y lo traer a la sala numero siete.
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Manuel Senor habla Espanol!
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Danny Solo un poco, lo siento. Pero he olvidado mucho.
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Manuel No, no, habla muy bien. Muy muy bien. Formidable!
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Danny Gracias, gracias.
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Manuel Lo voy a coger ahora. [runs off to get the case]
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Basil ...Well, if there's anything else, I'm sure Manuel will be able
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to tell you... as you seem to get on so well together. [goes
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into the office]
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Danny [calling after him] Key?
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[Basil comes back, takes the key from the hook and slams it
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down on the desk. Returning to the office he sits down, and
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switches on a cassette of Brahms. He settles back in rapture,
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but hears Sybil coming and rushes back to the picture in the
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lobby.]
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Basil Hallo dear... just doing the picture.
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Sybil Don't forget the menu.
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Basil ...I beg your pardon?
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Sybil Don't forget the menu.
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Basil I thought you said you wanted... Right! [puts the picture down]
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I'll do the menu.
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Sybil You could have had them both done by now if you hadn't spent
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the whole morning skulking in there listening to that racket.
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[goes out]
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Basil Racket? That's *Brahms*! Brahms's Thrid Racket!! ...[to
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himself] The whole morning! ...I had two bars.
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[In the dining room, Polly is taking Danny's order.]
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Polly Ready to order?
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Danny Er, yeah. What's a gralefrit?
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Polly Grapefruit.
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Danny And creme pot... pot rouge?
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Polly Portugaise. Tomato soup.
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Danny I'll have the gralefrit. Now - balm carousel... lamb?
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Polly Casserole.
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Danny Sounds good. Does it come with a smile?
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Polly It comes with sprouts or carrots.
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Danny Oh, smile's extra, is it?
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Polly You'll get one if you eat up all your sprouts. [exits]
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Danny [half registering a figure on the other side of the room]
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Waiter!
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[Basil freezes and then comes balefully towards Danny.]
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Basil ...I beg your pardon?
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Danny Oh, 'allo. Can I have some wine please?
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Basil The waiter is busy, sir, but I will bring you the carte des
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vins when I have finished attending to this gentleman.
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[indicates the table he has just left]
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Danny Oh, fine - no hurry.
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Basil [muttering on his way to the other table] Oh, good, how nice,
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how very thoughtful... [at the other table] I trust the beer is
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to your satisfaction, sir?
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Mr Watson ...Yes, fine.
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Basil Ah, good. May I wish you bon apetit. [snaps his fingers]
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Manuel! [Manuel runs in] Would you fetch the wine list please?
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Manuel [not moving] Si, senor.
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Basil ... The *wine* list. The wine... vino [Manuel starts to move]
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No, no. The list! There, there, the list! [points to it - it is
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on another table] The list, there! The red... *there*!
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...There!!
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[He picks up the list, hands it to Manuel, then gets Manuel to
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hand it to him so that he can give it to Danny.]
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Danny 'Ave you got a half bottle of the Beaujolais?
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Basil Yes.
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Danny Oh, fine.
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[Basil withdraws the wine list with a flourish, knocking the
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grapefruit out of Polly's hand as she approaches the table.]
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Basil Right! Never mind! Never mind! Manuel - another grapefruit for
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table twelve please... Manuel! [pointing at the grapefruit on
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the floor - to the other guests] I do beg your pardon... I'm so
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sorry...
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[Manuel picks up the grapefruit and cleans it. He is about to
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replace it on the table.]
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Basil ...No! ...Throw it away.
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Manuel Que?
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Basil Throw... it... away!
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Manuel Throw... it... away?
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Basil [miming a throw] Throw it away!! *Now*!!
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[Manuel throws it away; it lands on another table. Basil
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retrieves it, grabs Manuel, and runs with him out of the room.]
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Basil [to the other tables as he passes] Sorry! ...Sorry! ...Sorry!
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[They disappear into the kitchen. There is the sound of a slap
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and a yelp from Manuel. Polly appears bearing Danny's new
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grapefruit.]
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Polly Sorry about that.
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Danny No, I like a bit of cabaret. [picks up Polly's sketch pad from
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the table] You left your sketch.
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Polly Oh! Sorry.
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Danny It's very good. Do you sell any?
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Polly Enough to keep me in waitressing. [she leaves as Basil
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reappears with the Beaujolais]
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Basil One *half* bottle of Beaujolais. [he is about to open the
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bottle when the reception bell rings] ... Sybil!
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Sybil [popping her head round the door] Someone at reception, dear.
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[she vanishes]
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[Basil hurries bad-temperedly into the lobby. Melbury is
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standing there.]
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Basil Yes, yes, well, yes?
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Melbury ...Er, well, I was wondering if you could offer me accomodation
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for a few nights?
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Basil [very cross] Well, have you booked?
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Melbury No.
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Basil [to himself] Oh dear!
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Melbury Why, are you full?
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Basil Oh, we're not full... we're not *full*... of course we're not
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*full*!!
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Melbury I'd like, er...
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Basil One moment, one moment, please... yes?
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Melbury A single room with a...
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Basil Your *name*, please, could I have your name?
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Melbury Melbury.
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[The phone rings; Basil picks it up.]
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Basil [to Melbury] One second please. [to phone] Hello? ...Ah, yes
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Mr O'Reilly, well it's perfectly simple. When I asked you to
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build me a wall I was rather hoping that instead of just
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dumping the bricks in a pile you might have found time to
|
|
cement them together... you know, one on top of another, in the
|
|
traditional fashion. [to Melbury, testily] Could you fill it
|
|
in, please? [to phone] Oh, splendid! Ah, yes, but *when*, Mr
|
|
O'Reilly? [to Melbury, who is having difficulty with the
|
|
register] there - there!! [to phone] Yes, but when? Yes, yes...
|
|
ah! ...the flu! [to Melbury] *Both* names, please. [to phone]
|
|
Yes, I should have guessed, Mr. O'Reilly that and the potato
|
|
famine I suppose...
|
|
|
|
Melbury I beg your pardon?
|
|
|
|
Basil Would you put *both* your names, please? ...[to phone] Well,
|
|
will you give me a *date*?
|
|
|
|
Melbury Er... I only use one.
|
|
|
|
Basil [with a withering look] You don't have a first name?
|
|
|
|
Melbury No, I am *Lord* Melbury, so I simply sign myself 'Melbury'.
|
|
|
|
[There is a long, long pause.]
|
|
|
|
Basil [to phone] Go away. [puts phone down] ... I'm *so* sorry to
|
|
have kept you waiting, your lordship... I *do* apologise,
|
|
*please* forgive me. Now, was there something, is there
|
|
something, anything, I can do for you? Anything at all?
|
|
|
|
Melbury Well, I have filled this in...
|
|
|
|
Basil Oh, please don't bothert with that. [he takes the form and
|
|
throws it away] Now, a special room? ... a single? A double? A
|
|
suite? ... Well, we don't have any suites, but we do have some
|
|
beautiful doubles with a view...
|
|
|
|
Melbury No, no, just a single.
|
|
|
|
Basil Just a single. Absolutely! How very *wise* if I may say so,
|
|
your honour.
|
|
|
|
Melbury With a bath.
|
|
|
|
Basil Naturally, naturally! Naturellement! [he roars with laughter]
|
|
|
|
Melbury I shall be staying for one or two nights...
|
|
|
|
Basil Oh please! Please! ... Manuel!! [he bangs the bell; nothing
|
|
happens] ... Well, it's... it's rather grey today, isn't it?
|
|
|
|
Melbury Oh, yes, it is, rather.
|
|
|
|
Basil Of course usually down here it's beautiful, but today is a real
|
|
old... er... rotter. [another bang on the bell] Manuel!!!
|
|
...Still... it's good for the wheat.
|
|
|
|
Melbury Yes, er, I suppose so.
|
|
|
|
Basil Oh yes! I hear it's coming along wonderfully at the moment!
|
|
Thank God! I love the wheat... there's no sight like a field of
|
|
wheat waving in the... waving in... *Manuel*!!!! [he bangs the
|
|
bell as hard as he can; no result] ...Well, how are you? I mean
|
|
if it's not a personal question. Well, it *is* a personal... [he
|
|
dashes from behind the desk] Let me take your cases for you,
|
|
please allow me...
|
|
|
|
Melbury ...Oh, thank you very much, they're just outside.
|
|
|
|
Basil Splendid. Thank you so much. I won't be one moment...
|
|
|
|
[He sprints off, collects the cases, and returns to find Sybil
|
|
talking to Lord Melbury at the counter.]
|
|
|
|
Basil ...Ah, Lord Melbury. May I introduce my wife?
|
|
|
|
Melbury Yes, we have met.
|
|
|
|
Basil My wife, may I introduce your lordship.
|
|
|
|
Sybil Thank you, Basil, we've sorted it out.
|
|
|
|
Basil Splendid, splendid.
|
|
|
|
Melbury I wonder, could I deposit this case with you... it's just a few
|
|
valuables?
|
|
|
|
Basil Valuable, of course. Please let me take it now. I'll put it in
|
|
the safe straight away. Sybil, would you put this in the safe,
|
|
please?
|
|
|
|
Sybil I'm just off to the kitchen, Basil.
|
|
|
|
Basil [muttering angrily] Yes, well, if you're too busy...
|
|
|
|
Sybil Nice to have met you, Lord Melbury. I hope you enjoy your stay.
|
|
[she leaves]
|
|
|
|
Melbury Thank you so much.
|
|
|
|
Basil Yes, well I'll do it then, then I'll do the picture...
|
|
[suddenly polite again] I'll put this away in one moment, your
|
|
lord. [to Manuel who has appeared at last] Manuel, will you
|
|
take these cases to room twenty-one.
|
|
|
|
Manuel ...Que?
|
|
|
|
Basil Take... to room... twenty-one. [he surreptitiously signals the
|
|
number with his fingers]
|
|
|
|
Manuel ...No entender.
|
|
|
|
Basil Prenda las casos en... oh, doesn't matter. Right! I'll do it,
|
|
I'll do it. Thank you Manuel. [picks up the cases]
|
|
|
|
Manuel I take them. [grabs cases]
|
|
|
|
Basil [not letting go] No, no, go away!
|
|
|
|
Manuel Que? [they struggle]
|
|
|
|
Basil Go and wait!
|
|
|
|
Manuel Wait?
|
|
|
|
Basil [indicating the dining room] In there! Go and wait in *there*!
|
|
Go and be a waiter in there! [Manuel runs off; to Melbury] I
|
|
*do* apologise, your lordship. I'm afraid he's only just joined
|
|
us. We're training him. It'd be quicker to train a monkey, ha
|
|
ha ha!
|
|
|
|
[Basil's face freezes as Melbury does not react. Then he goes
|
|
upstairs with the cases, reappearing a moment later.]
|
|
|
|
Basil Do please follow me... I mean, if you're ready. There's no
|
|
hurry...
|
|
|
|
Melbury Oh yes, yes, fine. [follows Basil upstairs]
|
|
|
|
[The dining room. Guests are eating peacefully until Basil
|
|
rushes in and goes to the window table where Mr and Mrs Wareing
|
|
and their son are eating.]
|
|
|
|
Basil Excuse me, I'm so sorry to bother you. Would you mind moving to
|
|
that table?
|
|
|
|
Mr Wareing ...What?
|
|
|
|
Basil Could I ask you please to move to that table over there?
|
|
|
|
Mr Wareing But...
|
|
|
|
Basil I'm so sorry to trouble you.
|
|
|
|
Mr Wareing [getting up, protesting] We're halfway through...
|
|
|
|
Basil Thank you so much.
|
|
|
|
Mr Wareing Yes, but...
|
|
|
|
Basil This is Lord Melbury's table, you see.
|
|
|
|
Mr Wareing What?
|
|
|
|
Basil Lord Melbury. When he stays with us he always sits at this
|
|
table.
|
|
|
|
Mr Wareing Well, why did they put us here?
|
|
|
|
Basil Ah, an oversight... on my wife's part. I'm so sorry. He's just
|
|
arrived, you see. Would you mind? - Polly! - Would you help
|
|
these people to that table? Thank you, thank you so much.
|
|
|
|
[The family get up very unwillingly. Polly, slightly puzzled,
|
|
starts moving the dishes. Mrs Wareing is particularly slow...]
|
|
|
|
Basil Come on! *Come on!!*... Thank you. [they move; Basil grabs a
|
|
vase of flowers from another table and puts is on Melbury's;
|
|
Melbury enters] Ah, Lord Melbury! Do please come this way...
|
|
your lordship... I have your table over here by the window...
|
|
as usual... [gives Melbury a slight wink, but gets no reaction]
|
|
Just here... thank you so much.
|
|
|
|
Melbury Thank you, thank you very much...
|
|
|
|
[Basil holds Melbury's chair, but moves it back just as Melbury
|
|
sits down. Melbury falls, knocking the table over. Basil clouts
|
|
Manuel, who happens to be passing.]
|
|
|
|
Basil I'm *so* sorry! Oh my Lord! Oh my God!!
|
|
|
|
Mr Wareing [to his wife] I think he's killed him!
|
|
|
|
Basil Get on with your meals!!! Thank you so much. [he starts trying
|
|
to make amends]
|
|
|
|
[In reception; Basil is at the desk doing the pools. Melbury
|
|
comes out of the dining room wiping himself down with a
|
|
handkerchief.]
|
|
|
|
Basil Lord Melbury, I really must apologise again for...
|
|
|
|
Melbury Please, please, think nothing of it.
|
|
|
|
Basil But it was so...
|
|
|
|
Melbury Please! It was the smallest of accidents. It could have
|
|
occurred anywhere.
|
|
|
|
Basil Yes, but...
|
|
|
|
Melbury No, no, no, I've forgotten all about it.
|
|
|
|
Basil That's most... you're really... er, your lordship, would you
|
|
allow me to offer you dinner here tonight... as our guest?
|
|
|
|
Melbury That's extremely kind of you. Unfortunately I have an
|
|
engagement tonight...
|
|
|
|
Basil [mortified] Oh!
|
|
|
|
Melbury Oh actually...
|
|
|
|
Basil Yes?
|
|
|
|
Melbury There is one thing.
|
|
|
|
Basil Good! Good!
|
|
|
|
Melbury I was wondering... can you cash me a small cheque? I'm
|
|
playing golf this afternoon.
|
|
|
|
Basil Oh, delighted!
|
|
|
|
Melbury And I'd rather not go into the town...
|
|
|
|
Basil Absolutely... I mean, er, how much? ...er, if it's not a rude
|
|
question.
|
|
|
|
Melbury Er well... er... could you manage... fif... [looks in his
|
|
wallet] Oh! ...a hundred?
|
|
|
|
Basil [stunned] A... h... hundred? [recovering] Oh absolutely...
|
|
Oh yes, I mean, will a hundred be enough? ...I mean a hundred
|
|
and fifty... two... two... er, a hundred and sixty?
|
|
|
|
Melbury ...Let's see, that's, er, dinner tonight... few tips... oh,
|
|
and it's the weekend, isn't it... is two hundred all right?
|
|
|
|
Basil [momentarily shattered] Oh! [extravagantly] Oh! Please! Yes!
|
|
Oh, ha, ha! - oh, tremendous! Oh... I'm so happy! I'll send
|
|
someone to the town straightaway and have it for you when you
|
|
get back.
|
|
|
|
Melbury Yes, well, that would be splendid.
|
|
|
|
Basil Thank you, thank you, your lordship.
|
|
|
|
Melbury Thank you so much.
|
|
|
|
Basil Oh, not at all, my privilege... [Melbury exits] ...What
|
|
breeding... sheer... ooh! [he starts to write the cheque, but
|
|
Sybil walks in; he hides the book hurriedly and gives her a
|
|
peck on the cheek] Hallo, dear.
|
|
|
|
Sybil What are you doing?
|
|
|
|
Basil I'm kissing you, dear.
|
|
|
|
Sybil Well, don't.
|
|
|
|
Basil Just thought it might be nice to...
|
|
|
|
Sybil I heard about lunch.
|
|
|
|
Basil What? ...Oh, that! Oh, think nothing of it.
|
|
|
|
Sybil What?
|
|
|
|
Basil It was the smallest of accidents. Could have occurred anywhere.
|
|
|
|
Sybil Anywhere? First you move that nice family in the middle of
|
|
their meal, and then you attack Lord Melbury with a chair!
|
|
|
|
Basil Look, Sybil, I've had a word with Lord Melbury about it. He was
|
|
quite charming... Oh, it's delightful to have people like that
|
|
stay here... sheer class, golf, baths, engagements, a couple of
|
|
hundr... h, h, horses...
|
|
|
|
Sybil Well, I've never seen such tatty cases.
|
|
|
|
Basil Of *course* you haven't. It's only the upper class that *would*
|
|
have tat like that that... It's the whole point! ...Oh, you
|
|
don't know what I'm talking about...
|
|
|
|
Sybil No I don't. But don't ever move guests in the middle of a meal
|
|
again... and get that picture up. [she goes into the office]
|
|
|
|
Basil ...Sour old rat. [Polly comes in] Ah! ...Polly... would you
|
|
do me a favour? When you're down in town this afternoon... just
|
|
between ourselves, don't mention it to my wife... pop into the
|
|
bank and just... [writing the cheque...]
|
|
|
|
[In the town. Polly leaves the bank, crosses the street, and
|
|
walks past a parked car. She checks, looks into it and is
|
|
surprised to see Danny Brown sitting in it with another man.
|
|
Danny sees her, motions her urgently to get into the car; she
|
|
does so. He shows her an official-looking card and points to
|
|
the jeweller's shop. At that moment Lord Melbury comes out of
|
|
the shop, looks round furtively and hurries down the street.
|
|
Danny nods in the direction of a waiting colleague who
|
|
follows Melbury. Danny and Polly watch...]
|
|
|
|
[In reception; Basil is holding the picture against the wall,
|
|
marking the position with a pencil. The phone rings.]
|
|
|
|
Basil ...Could someone answer that, please? [it goes on ringing.]
|
|
...Hallo! Is there nobody who can answer that? There must be
|
|
*someone*... [Manuel runs in and heads for the phone] Not you.
|
|
[Manuel goes away; Basil puts down the picture] ...I'll
|
|
never get it up. I'll cancel my holiday... do it then. [picks
|
|
up the phone] Hallo, Fawlty Towers...
|
|
|
|
[The ringing continues. Sybil comes in and answers the other
|
|
phone.]
|
|
|
|
Sybil Hello, Fawlty Towers... Oh, hello, Brenda... [to Basil] Basil,
|
|
it's six o'clock.
|
|
|
|
[Basil puts down his receiver wearily as Sybil continues her
|
|
conversation. Polly comes in.]
|
|
|
|
Basil [whispers] Ah, Polly... did you cash it?
|
|
|
|
Polly Yes, er... Mr Fawlty...
|
|
|
|
Basil Good, good.
|
|
|
|
Polly [urgently] Could I have a word with you? [hands him the money
|
|
in an envelope]
|
|
|
|
Basil What?
|
|
|
|
Polly Could I speak to you in the office for just a minute...
|
|
|
|
Basil Not *now* Polly!
|
|
|
|
Polly It's very important, I...
|
|
|
|
Basil Later! Later!
|
|
|
|
Sybil Basil!
|
|
|
|
Basil I'm just going, dear. Thank you, thank you so much, Polly.
|
|
|
|
[He rushes into the bar. From behind the counter he hears
|
|
someone come in. As it is exactly six o'clock he doesn't need
|
|
to see who it is.]
|
|
|
|
Basil Ah, good evening, Major.
|
|
|
|
The Major Evening, Fawlty.
|
|
|
|
Basil The usual?
|
|
|
|
The Major [looking at his watch] Er... er... oh, why not, indeed, why
|
|
not? ...I've just been watching one of those nature films on
|
|
television.
|
|
|
|
Basil Oh yes?
|
|
|
|
The Major Did you know that a female gibbon gestates for seven months?
|
|
|
|
Basil Seven months? Well I never... there you are, Major... seven...
|
|
my word... [the Wareing family have come in] Ah, good evening,
|
|
Mr Wareing.
|
|
|
|
Mr Wareing [coldly] A gin and orange, a lemon squash and a scotch and
|
|
water please.
|
|
|
|
Basil Certainly.
|
|
|
|
Mr Wareing Is there any part of the room you'd like us to keep away from?
|
|
|
|
Basil What? ...[false jollity] Oh, ha ha ha.
|
|
|
|
Mr Wareing [curtly] We'll be over there, then.
|
|
|
|
Basil [to the Major] Seven! Well, well...
|
|
|
|
Melbury [entering] Evening, Fawlty.
|
|
|
|
Basil Ah, good evening, Lord Melbury.
|
|
|
|
Mr Wareing [makes his point again] Anywhere?
|
|
|
|
Basil Yes, anywhere, anywhere... Your lordship, may I offer you a
|
|
little apertif... as our guest?
|
|
|
|
Melbury That's very kind of you... dry sherry if you please. [he
|
|
wanders off]
|
|
|
|
Basil [to the Major] ...What else? ...Such... oh, I don't know
|
|
what...
|
|
|
|
The Major Je ne sais quoi?
|
|
|
|
Basil Exactly! Exactly! [Sybil enters] Ah, there you are, Sybil. [he
|
|
departs lord-wards with the sherry]
|
|
|
|
Sybil Good evening, Major.
|
|
|
|
The Major Evening, Mrs Fawlty.
|
|
|
|
[Melbury is glancing at some coins in a display case. Basil
|
|
brings him his drink.]
|
|
|
|
Basil There you are, your lordship.
|
|
|
|
Melbury Ah, thank you very much.
|
|
|
|
Basil I see my little collection of coins tickles your interest.
|
|
|
|
Melbury What? Oh, yes, yes.
|
|
|
|
Basil All British Empire of course. Used to be quite a hobby of
|
|
mine... little investment too...
|
|
|
|
Melbury Quite... oh... talking about, er... did you manage to...
|
|
|
|
Basil Oh yes. Here you are, your lordship.
|
|
|
|
[Meanwhile, Polly runs out of the hotel front door and signals
|
|
to Danny, who is sitting in a car; he flashes his lights in
|
|
ackowledgement. Back in the bar...]
|
|
|
|
Melbury ...Oh yes, you know, these sorts of things, their value's
|
|
soared this last couple of years.
|
|
|
|
Basil Have they really?
|
|
|
|
Melbury Yes, yes. You take my advice. Get them revalued, and insure
|
|
them for the full amount.
|
|
|
|
Basil Yes, yes, I will.
|
|
|
|
Melbury Can't take any risks nowadays, I'm afraid.
|
|
|
|
Basil No, no, quite.
|
|
|
|
Melbury Well, I must be off.
|
|
|
|
Basil Thank you, thank you, your lordship. I'll certainly...
|
|
|
|
Melbury [leaving] Goodbye.
|
|
|
|
Sybil Basil!
|
|
|
|
Basil Yes, yes, I was just talking to Lord Melbury, dear...
|
|
|
|
Mr Wareing A gin and orange, a lemon squash, and a scotch and water,
|
|
please!
|
|
|
|
Basil I do apologise, I was just talking to Lord...
|
|
|
|
Melbury [coming back in] Fawlty!
|
|
|
|
Basil [leaving the Wareings in mid-sentence] Yes, Lord Melbury?
|
|
|
|
Melbury ...I was just thinking... I'm having dinner tonight with the
|
|
Duke of Buckleigh... do you know him?
|
|
|
|
Basil Not... presonally, no.
|
|
|
|
Melbury Oh... well, he's a great expert, you know, Sotheby's and all
|
|
that...
|
|
|
|
Basil Is he?
|
|
|
|
Melbury Well, if you liked, I could take them with me, ask him to have
|
|
a quick look at them and find out their current value.
|
|
|
|
Basil [overwhelmed] Would... would you really?
|
|
|
|
Melbury Yes, yes, certainly. Well, I'll be off in a few moments.
|
|
[he leaves]
|
|
|
|
Basil Well, that's really... so incredibly... er...
|
|
|
|
Sybil Basil!!
|
|
|
|
Basil I'm talking to Lord Melbury!
|
|
|
|
Mr Wareing [slow and loud] A... gin... and orange... a lemon squash...
|
|
and a scotch and water *please*!
|
|
|
|
Basil All right! All right!
|
|
|
|
[The reception bell rings urgently; it is Polly. Basil runs
|
|
out clutching the coins in a box.]
|
|
|
|
Polly Oh, Mr Fawlty...
|
|
|
|
Basil Was that Lord Melbury? Has he gone?
|
|
|
|
Polly I rang... Mr Fawlty, I *must* speak with you.
|
|
|
|
Basil What? ...Can't you see I'm *busy*?
|
|
|
|
Polly Please! It's very important - can we talk in there?
|
|
[indicating the office]
|
|
|
|
Basil I can't!
|
|
|
|
Sybil [calling from the bar] Basil!!
|
|
|
|
Polly It's very important!
|
|
|
|
Basil [shouting] I'm just dealing with something important out here,
|
|
Sybil, thank you. [to Polly] All *right*! [they both go into
|
|
the office] Yes? Yes, right, well, yes, yes, what is it?
|
|
|
|
Polly It's about Lord Melbury.
|
|
|
|
Basil Yes?
|
|
|
|
Polly He's not Lord Melbury... he's a confidence trickster.
|
|
|
|
Basil ...I beg your pardon?
|
|
|
|
Polly Mr Brown told me.
|
|
|
|
Basil [contemptuously] Haaa!
|
|
|
|
Polly Mr Brown's from the CID. They've been watching Melbury because
|
|
he's pulling some big con trick in the town. They're going to
|
|
arrest him when he leaves the hotel so as not to cause you
|
|
embarrassment. But he asked me to tell you...
|
|
|
|
Basil [not believing a word of it] Oh, how *nice* of him!
|
|
|
|
Polly Please, Mr Fawlty...
|
|
|
|
Basil Oh, I don't know what other tales Mr Brown of MI5 has been
|
|
impressing you with but...
|
|
|
|
Polly He's a con man!
|
|
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Basil Oh of course. It stands out a mile, doesn't it. He's so
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*common* - unlike that cockney git whose ulterior motive will
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soon no doubt become apparent to you, poor innocent misguided
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child that you are.
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Sybil [entering briskly] Basil, what is going on?
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Basil Nothing, my dear, nothing at all.
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Polly Mrs Fawlty...
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Basil Now look!
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Sybil Yes, Polly?
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Basil I don't know what she's...
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Sybil Basil!!!
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Polly Mr Brown's from the CID.
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Basil Hah!
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Polly He showed me his identification. They're watching Melbury.
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He's a confidence trickster.
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Sybil ...I see. [she goes straight to the safe]
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Basil What... what do you mean, you see?
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Sybil Let's have a look at these valuables...
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Basil What are you doing, Sybil? ...Sybil, I forbid you to open the
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safe! [she opens the safe] Sybil, I forbid you to take that
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case out! [she takes the case out] Sybil, do not open that
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case! I forbid it! [sits down in dismay; she opens the case]
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I never thought I would live to see the day when a peer of the
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realm... entrusts to us... a case of valuables... in trust...
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[Sybil places the open case in front of him. He looks into it
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for a long time. Then he lifts out an ordinary house brick.
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Disbelievingly, he shakes it close to his ear, lifts out
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another and sniffs it, then clinks them together. He puts them
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down and emits a strange growl.]
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Sybil I'll call the police.
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Polly They're here already, Mr Brown's outside. [she leaves; the
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reception bell rings]
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Sybil Someone at reception, Basil.
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[Basil rises slowly and goes into reception. Hoping it is
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Melbury, he has clenched his fist - but it is Sir Richard and
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Lady Morris.]
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Basil ...Ah! ...all right... er... [collects himself] Good evening.
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Sir Richard I believe you were expecting us.
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Basil No, I was expecting somebody else. [goes into another reverie]
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Sir Richard Sir Richard and Lady Morris.
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Basil [absently] Yes, yes, them as well.
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Sir Richard I'm sorry?
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Basil How did you know?
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Sir Richard What?
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Basil Oh... *you're* Sir Richard and Lady Morris, I do beg your
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pardon. I was just think... er... [he goes off again, thinking
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revenge; he comes to...] Now, would you mind filling this out,
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please, we've given you room... [Lord Melbury comes down the
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stairs] Ah hah!
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Melbury Ah, Fawlty!
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Basil Mr Fawlty to you, Lord Melbury.
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Melbury I beg your pardon?
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Basil Oh, nothing, please forget all about it.
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Melbury Oh... er... well... here's the cheque for two hundred pounds...
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Basil Ah, thank you so much. [he bites the cheque and throws it away;
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the Morrises are transfixed] Now, about my priceless collection
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of coins...
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Melbury Oh yes... er, do you still want...
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Basil Do I still want you to take them to be valued by the Duke of
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Buckleigh, my lord?
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Melbury Er... yes.
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Basil No, I don't. Because we've just heard that the Duke of
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Buckleigh is... dead! Yes, he got his head knocked off by a
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golf ball. Tragic! Tragic! [a pause; he beams at Melbury] Well,
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how are you, Lord Melbury? ...'Ow are yer then - all right,
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mate? [pinches Melbury's cheek] 'Ow's me old mucker? [gives
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Melbury a friendly slap on both cheeks; the Morrises are
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|
totally bemused] Any valuables to deposit, Sir Richard... any
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bricks?
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|
[Melbury rushes off in a panic. Sybil has come up beside Basil,
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looking anxious.]
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Basil [to Sir Richard] I do apologise... [shouts after Melbury] You
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bastard!! ...[courteous again] We've given you room twelve with
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|
the view overlooking the park... I'm sure you'll like it...
|
|
we'll have your bags brought up...
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|
[Melbury rushes from the bar across the lobby to the dining
|
|
room, pursued by a policeman.]
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Basil Hello, Lord Melbury! ...BASTARD!!
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[More policemen rush about.]
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Basil [to the Morrises] Please think nothing of it.
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|
[Melbury runs out of the dining room as Polly, running from the
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|
bar, knocks the table into him and catches him in an
|
|
uncomfortable place. As he doubles up, Manuel comes out of the
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|
dining room carrying a chair, the corner of which repeats the
|
|
attack. Melbury doubles up in agony on the floor and is
|
|
surrounded by the police. Basil walks across smiling politely.]
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Basil [to police] Do please excuse me one moment. [he puts the boot
|
|
in, the retrieves the envelope with his two hundred pounds]
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|
Sybil Basil, the Morrises are leaving.
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|
[Outside, the Morrises are getting into their car. Basil
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|
hurtles down the steps.]
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|
Basil ...Where are you going? ...Where are you going?
|
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|
Sir Richard We're leaving!
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|
Basil Oh, don't - please stay - you'll like it here.
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|
Sir Richard I've never been in such a place in my life. [they drive off]
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|
Basil [shouting after them] You snobs! You stupid... stuck-up...
|
|
toffee-nosed... half-witted... upper-class piles of... pus!!
|
|
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|
[He walks back disconsolately back up the steps, where he meets
|
|
the police escorting Melbury out.]
|
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|
Basil [begging for a chance to thump Melbury] Just one! Just one!
|
|
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|
Policeman [restraining him] Sorry, Mr Fawlty.
|
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|
Basil Oh just one, please.
|
|
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|
[But the police remove Melbury. Basil gives up, and steps
|
|
backwards into a tub of flowers; he threatens it with his fist.
|
|
As he goes into the lobby he meets Danny.]
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|
Danny Sorry, Mr Fawlty.
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|
[Basil walks past him back into the lobby.]
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|
Basil Well, I'd better put the picture up... Oh... thank you Polly
|
|
for the... well done, Manuel.
|
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|
Manuel Que?
|
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|
Basil Oh... Ole.
|
|
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|
Danny [coming back in] I'm sorry about that, Mr Fawlty... can I buy
|
|
you a drink?
|
|
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|
Basil No, no, I'd better put this up, I suppose. [picks up the
|
|
picture]
|
|
|
|
[Sybil enters from the bar with Mr Wareing]
|
|
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|
Sybil Basil!
|
|
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|
Mr Wareing [very loudly] A gin and orange... a lemon squash... and a
|
|
scotch and water *please*!!
|
|
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|
Basil Right! [he slams the picture down] Come on, then! [and he
|
|
frog-marches Mr Wareing into the bar]
|
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|