816 lines
37 KiB
Plaintext
816 lines
37 KiB
Plaintext
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BOTTOM
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by Adrian Edmondson and Rik Mayall
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Series 2, Episode 4
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Parade
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======
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Richie Rik Mayall
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Eddie Adrian Edmondson
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Policeman Robert McKewley
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Chief Inspector Grobbelaar Andy de la Tour
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Spudgun Steven O'Donnell
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Hedgehog Christopher Ryan
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Mrs. Potato Patsy Rowlands
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Barmaid Julia Sawalha
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Falklands Veteran Robert Llewellyn
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Tight-mouth Larry Chris Langham
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Pawnbroker Brian Croucher
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Landlord Lee Cornes
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Scene 1. Police Station.
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------------------------
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Policeman: And you've no objection to taking part in an identity parade?
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Richie: Oh, absolutely none whatsoever. Social responsibility is our
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byword. Er -- do we get the eight quid now or later on?
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Eddie: Oh yes, we love public service. We were just on our way to
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give blood, weren't we?
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Richie: Oh, that's right.
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Eddie: I get six quid a bottle, you know, 'cause mine's very rare.
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It's ninety percent proof.
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Richie: Pretty swarthy-looking bunch you've got here, Sarge! Which
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one's the criminal?
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Policeman: These are just the other volunteers, sir.
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Richie: [pointing] That one! What? Oh er, oh yeah, that's right,
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yeah.
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Policeman: Right then gentlemen, if you'd like to form a line we'll
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bring the suspect in.
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Richie: Right, and then we all fall on him and give him a good
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kicking, do we?
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Policeman: No sir, we have to let the witness identify him.
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Richie: What? Oh, oh yeah, that's right, that's right. Good policing,
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good. Right, come on , form a line everybody, form a line.
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[A man enters escorted by several policeman.]
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Richie: Oh dear, whoops-a-daisy, here, he comes, dear oh dear oh
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dear. Look at that Neanderthal gait! Probably only learned to
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walk upright this morning. Hanging's too good for you,
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buster! Huh, I'm surprised he manages to mug old ladies with
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his knuckles scraping along the pavement like that! [gorilla
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impression] Ooh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh-hello, hello, b-b-
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bll-b-b-bll-ll, me respectable citizen! Ugh, it's making my
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flesh creep, you vile scum!
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Man: Do you mind?
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Richie: Ooh, it talks! It talks! What are you gonna do next, go on a
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quest for fire?
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Man: Good afternoon everyone, I am Chief Inspector Grobbelaar.
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Richie: [gorilla voice] Oh, I'm Chief Inspector Grob-- Oh.
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Grobbelaar: Now the suspects we are bringing in are highly dangerous so I
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don't want any of you lot fraternising with them too closely,
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okay?
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Eddie: Oh look, it's Spudgun! Ooh, and little Dave Hedgehog! Hello
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boys!
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Spudgun & Hedgehog:
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Hi Eddie!
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Eddie: And what are you doing here?
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Hedgehog: We don't know. This bomb went off two hundred miles away and
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they suddenly come round and arrested us.
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Spudgun: I hope we're not I.R.A.
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Hedgehog: Ah, well it is a highly secretive organisation. We wouldn't
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know if we were.
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Eddie: Oh look, even if you were you'd be all right. You'd probably
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just get seventeen years in jail and then you'd suddenly get
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out scot free.
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Spudgun: If I go down I'm taking one of them with me.
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Eddie: Yeah? Why's that?
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Spudgun: 'S just the way I fall.
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[A shrill woman is led in.]
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Woman: That's him, that's the one! Vicious little bastard! Ooh, me
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blood runs cold.
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Spudgun: 'Ello Mum.
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Mrs. Potato: Send him down, electrocute him! Bring back the guillotine!
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Spudgun: I told you Ma, I promised I'd tidy my room tomorrow.
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Mrs. Potato: Where's my handbag, you thieving little bastard?
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Spudgun: What d'you know about my father?
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Mrs. Potato: Absolutely nothing.
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Spudgun: Just as I suspected.
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Grobbelaar: Shall we concentrate on the bag?
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Eddie: Well, it's a bit hard to concentrate on anything else, isn't
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it?
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Grobbelaar: Do you recognise any of these men?
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Mrs. Potato: I know all of them.
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All: Hi Mrs. Potato! Hello! [etc.]
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Grobbelaar: No no, I mean who took the bag?
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Mrs. Potato: [pointing at Spudgun] He did!
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Spudgun: I told you Mum, it was a cross-dressing party.
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Grobbelaar: Let me get this straight, you're accusing your son of
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borrowing your handbag.
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Mrs. Potato: That's right. Heinous villain!
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Grobbelaar: All right Jenkins, take her round the back and give her a
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good drubbing.
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Mrs. Potato: Oh shit.
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Scene 2. The Pub.
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-----------------
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[Dogs bark outside as Richie and Eddie enter.]
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Richie: Eight bloody quid each, Eddie! You see, that's what you get
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for being a responsible citizen.
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[Richie walks up to the bar and notices the new barmaid.]
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Richie: Oh, hello.
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Barmaid: Hello.
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Richie: You're new here, aren't you?
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Barmaid: That's right.
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Richie: Oh, good. In that case, er, hello, we're from the Health and
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Safety Inspectorate. And we'd like to examine two half-pints
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of best bitter and a couple of Cornish pasties please.
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Spudgun: Hey, Eddie! He he hey!
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Eddie: See they've got a bit of new staff on.
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Spudgun: Yeah, it's great isn't it?
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Mrs. Potato: Yeah, it's great isn't it! Means we don't have to spend any
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of the money we made on the line-up this morning. Now
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remember lads, don't get too sloshed. We got another one in
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Paddington this afternoon, right?
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Hedgehog: What's the crime this time, Mrs. Potato?
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Mrs. Potato: Flashing. And make it convincing.
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Spudgun: Yeah, good on you Mum. Do you want another drink?
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Mrs. Potato: Same again please love.
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Spudgun: Right. Another three bottles of brandy please dear!
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Hedgehog: Yeah, and I'm still not sure about this lager of yours, I'd
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better test another eight pints.
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Barmaid: There's a lot of you in from the Government today, isn't
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there?
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Richie: That's right my dear. [leers at her] And may I say how
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attractive you look in that short summer frock. It's quite
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lovely isn't it? Tell me, do you use Timotei? I'm sure that
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with beautiful hair like that you probably have to pop up a
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mountain, don't you, and find a stream and dip it in and
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flick it about the place. Are you a Page Three girl? 'Cause
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I'm sure if you wanted to, you could be.
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Eddie: Yeah, go on, take your top off and we'll give you an honest
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opinion.
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Richie: Shut up Eddie! [elbows him in the groin] You know, ha ha ha
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ha ha, it's funny but, in the short time I've known you I've
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fallen completely head-over-heels in love with you.
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Barmaid: What? That's ridiculous.
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Richie: I know, it's mad, it's crazy, but hear me out. Ever since,
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ah, I was wounded leading the charge at Goose Green in the
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Falklands conflict...
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[The man sitting drinking at the end of the bar hears this and sits up,
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interested.]
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Richie: ...I haven't been able to make love properly. No. And I was
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wondering that, seeing as you're a barmaid, you know, and we
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all know what you barmaids get up to, I was wondering if you
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could see your way clear to, you know...
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Barmaid: What, having you bunged out?
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Richie: Well, I've never actually been "bunged out" before but, boy,
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I'm game for anything!
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Veteran: What, was you in the Falklands then?
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Richie: Yes I was. Do you mind shutting up, I'm on the brink of
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shagging this barmaid! Tell me my dear, have you ever read
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The Joy of Sex?
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Barmaid: Ah, no, I don't read things like that.
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Richie: Oh well that's okay, we can just look at the pictures.
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Veteran: When was you out there then?
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Richie: During the conflict, when do you think? I didn't go there for
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my holidays!
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Veteran: Oh. So you're a veteran then?
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Richie: No I was not! What are you suggesting? I was in the thick of
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it. Someone else looked after the ponies.
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[Tight-mouth Larry wanders in, completely drunk, singing and having trouble
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staying upright.]
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Larry: Well you can tell by the way I use my walk,
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I'm a woman's man, no time to talk,
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Night Fever, Night Fever...
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[He crashes to the floor.]
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Richie: That's Tight-mouth Larry, the book-maker!
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[Larry throws up.]
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Eddie: He's not very tight-mouthed today, is he?
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Richie: [to the barmaid] And now my dear, as regards...
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Veteran: When was you there then?
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Richie: Look, are you a professional bore or is this some sort of
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hobby?
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Veteran: 'Cause I was in the Falklands too.
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Richie: Oh really, yes, I bet you were, yes, chap like you, yes, back
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in the Falklands, huh! Got any proof?
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Veteran: Well... got me service medal, yeah.
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[Richie is taken aback, speechless with shock.]
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Veteran: You all right mate?
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Richie: Ha, ha, oooh yees, yes, yes, hahaha. I always get like this
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when I meet one of the old compadres. So... shit... great...
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You were there too, were you?
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Veteran: Yeah, I was in Two Para.
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Richie: What, you went twice?
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Veteran: What regiment was you in then?
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Richie: Well the English one of course! What are you suggesting?
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Veteran: No, what outfit was you in?
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Richie: Well, the green patchy one most of the time. With the twigs
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and the bit of leaf, you know, camouflage. I mean, ah, some
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of the chaps had their busbies on but, hur-hur, not many of
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them came back. No, I just remember looking down my rifle-
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sights at hordes of screaming Argies, all going "Nein nein,
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ve surrender Tommy-schweinhund!"
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[Larry struggles to his feet.]
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Larry: Nah, nah, I tell you, I'm perfectly all right!
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[He falls over again, banging his chin on the bar.]
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Richie: Yeah... So, ah, how did you get on?
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Veteran: Well...
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[The veteran slaps his right leg twice, producing a hollow wooden sound.]
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Richie: Well... [slaps his own leg twice] What?
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Veteran: Well I lost me leg!
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Richie: Oh, oh, oh I see, oh. Oh oh, oh dear. Erm, how sad. [pulls a
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face at Eddie]
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Eddie: No, look, there it is, there!
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Richie: Oh look, Eddie's found it for you! Look, there it is, right
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underneath your bottom! Ya, you silly banana, you should keep
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your eyes peeled! Hah, old commando like you should be able
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to keep track of his legs!
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Veteran: Nah, no no, this is me falsie! [pulls up his trouser-leg]
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Look at that. Two and a half grand that cost me. Hand carved
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by naked Balinese maidens.
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Eddie: How d'you know they were naked?
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Veteran: 'Cause I watched 'em do it.
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Richie & Eddie:
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Hwooorgh!
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Veteran: That's why it cost so much.
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Richie: Two and a half thousand pounds, eh?
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[Richie and Eddie go into a little huddle, thinking about this.]
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Both: No, we can't, we can't...
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Richie: Well, ah... [long pause] Ha ha ha! It's great when we old
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war-horses get together, isn't it? Ha!
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Veteran: [to Eddie] What, was you there as well?
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Eddie: Ah, oh, oh... [Richie nods] Yes.
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Veteran: Oh, what outfit?
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Eddie: Oh, I was in a little grey off-the-shoulder slinky number
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with the sequins, you know, and the split up the side... Oh,
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ha-haa, only joking! I was in Intelligence. They dropped me
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behind enemy lines. Quite a long way behind enemy lines. It
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was Guildford actually.
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Spudgun: What, by parachute?
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Eddie: No, they just dropped me. From the Army, you know. Fired.
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Flat feet.
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Veteran: Did you have to yomp from Goose Green to Stroud Hill?
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Richie: Well of course I did mate, we all had to do that didn't we?
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Well, there were no lavs. It was the open countryside. Yeah,
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haha, had to watch where you put your feet in them days. Ha-
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ha! [makes squelching noise] Hahahaha... must have been a
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bitch for you squatting on the one leg!
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Veteran: Yeah, but did you go to Stroud Hill?
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Richie: Well of course I did! We were all there, me and all me mates.
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There was me and, er, Ginger, er, Tommy, er... Tiddles, er,
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Spot, er, Joey, Snowy and, erm... Gorky.
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Veteran: There isn't a Stroud Hill in the Falklands.
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Richie: [long pause] O-o-o-o-ooh, you were one of the ones that
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didn't find it, eh? Hah, oh, we had a good laugh about you!
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[Larry has another go at standing up.]
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Larry: Right, well, here I am then! [wobbles] Oh, no I'm not.
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[crashes down again]
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Eddie: So, ah, what did you do then?
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Veteran: Well, I'd rather not talk about it.
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Eddie: Why, is it embarrassing? Shit your pants, did you? Cry, did
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you, eh?
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Veteran: Quite the opposite, actually.
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Eddie: What, you sucked water in through your eyes?
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Veteran: No. I took Harrison's Point single-handed.
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Richie: Oooh. Thhh. That can be nasty. I shut Tucker's finger in the
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tank door, didn't I Eddie?
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Eddie: I don't know, this is all a load of bollocks.
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Richie: Shush, shush, sh-sh-sh-shush! You'll have to, ah, excuse
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Eddie, his mind's just blanked it out.
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Veteran: What, 'cause it's so horrible?
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Richie: No, he's just got that sort of mind. Oh well, must mingle.
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Charmed!
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[Richie hurries away.]
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Veteran: Yeah, that's where I got the G.C.
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Eddie: Oh yeah? You see a doctor about it? You probably got some
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germs in the cut, you see.
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Veteran: No, George Cross!
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Eddie: Oh, it was him was it? Well, you should have know better
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mate.
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Richie: And, ah, what did you do during the war, Spudgun?
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Spudgun: Nothing really, I was unemployed.
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Richie: Oh that's very convenient, isn't it?
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Spudgun: It is actually, I live round the corner from the dole office.
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Richie: That's not what I meant and you know it! I spilt blood for
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the likes of you! My appendix are up there on the top of
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Mount William.
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Mrs. Potato: And for what? For a few farmers and a flock of penguins, and
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to secure another term of office for that Margaret Thatcher.
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Richie: Oh, a Bolshie eh? A pink-o? Eh-d-d-d-d, eh-d-d-d-d-
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interesting isn't it. Eh-d-d-d-d-d-interesting. Notice you
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women never muck in when it comes down to a scrap.
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Mrs. Potato: Interesting in what way?
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Richie: Er... well, well, well, it's interesting because A, I said it
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and anything I say is interesting per se, and B, er, well,
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there isn't a B because the A was so great.
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Mrs. Potato: Have you any idea how women actually feel?
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Richie: No I haven't. That's my problem really.
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Mrs. Potato: Would you like me to tell you?
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Richie: [blowing on his palms] Take the practical, if it's all the
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same with you.
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Spudgun: I think my Mum's right you know.
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Richie: Well then why don't you just go and live in the Soviet Union?
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Spudgun: 'Cause it doesn't exist.
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Hedgehog: And it's horrible.
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Richie: Yeah, well, yes, well, that's precisely my point.
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Spudgun: Well it's a bit of a stupid point, isn't it?
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Richie: Ten years I was fighting in the Falklands, ten long years! We
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didn't have any toilets. We didn't have any telly. We didn't
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have any buses, we had to carry everything. Tents, equipment,
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ammo... whatever that is... Souvenirs... Shopping... Yeah,
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shopping. Shopping. I liberated Port Stanley Tescos you know.
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Eddie: Yeah, I was there when Prince Andrew got his undercarriage
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shot off. That was after the war though.
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Veteran: I don't believe a word of this, you never were in the
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Falklands.
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Richie: Oh. So you don't believe me eh? [takes off his jacket] All
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right. [undoing his trousers] Take a look at this!
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Veteran: I'd rather not.
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Richie: Oh come on, what's that! [pointing down his trousers]
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Veteran: [peering down] Well, it looks like a very small penis.
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Richie: No, not that! That!
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Veteran: Well, it's an appendix scar.
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Richie: Yes, an appendix scar. And how do you think I got that?
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Veteran: Well, from an operation to remove your appendix.
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Richie: Yes! ...Yes, yes, that's where an Argie took my appendix out
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with his bayonet.
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Veteran: I don't belive a word of this. In fact I don't belive it so
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much I'm gonna smash your face in.
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Richie: Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo, I'd like to see you try, hopalong!
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Veteran: Ah, good, 'cause you're about to.
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Mrs. Potato: Go on, give him one!
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Veteran: All right, I will!
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Richie: All right, let's see you try, buster! Eddie, hold me back.
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Eddie: Erm I can't, I'm very busy drinking.
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Richie: What?
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[The veteran, still sitting, swings at Richie hitting him in the face.]
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Richie: Right, this time, this time buster! [gets hit again]
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Barmaid: All right, that's enough you two, now calm down!
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Richie: Hah, hah, lucky escape for you there mate!
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Barmaid: Now you, it's on the management, what would you like?
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Richie: Oh. Sexual favours now is it?
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Barmaid: No.
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Richie: What do you mean, no? What's wrong with me?
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Barmaid: Well I would have thought that was patently obvious to
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everyone.
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Richie: Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I'm not a homosexual if that's what
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you're thinking.
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Eddie: Well, you're not strictly heterosexual are you Richie?
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Richie: Judas! I've never done it with a bloke!
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Eddie: Yeah, but you've never done it with a bird either, have you?
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[to everyone else] Has he?
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All: No, no...
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Richie: Well, yeah, all right, yeah, all right, all right, yeah, but
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I mean, I'm heterosexual in intent.
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Eddie: The nearest you've come to being heterosexual is barricading
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yourself in a bedroom with a copy of "Amateur Photographer"
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and a jar of hand-cream.
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Richie: Yeah, but I mean... I've done it mentally. ...Boy have I done
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it mentally. Look at that bicep. yeah, you're bloody lucky I
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didn't hit you with that one mate! Yeah, you'd be on a drip
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in Casualty by now!
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Veteran: Oh what, you want some more, do you?
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Richie: Yeah, sure, of course I want some more! Come on boys, let's
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finish him off!
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Eddie: Nah, it's all right, we'll just watch. All the best!
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Richie: [putting up his fists] Ho-hooor!
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[The veteran punches him repeatedly , ending with an upper-cut that drops
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Richie. Suddenly Tight-mouth Larry gets up to his feet, hanging onto the
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veteran for support.]
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Larry: Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to stop this fight
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because... I need somebody to hold on to. I think I'm a
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little bit drunk. Ha! He-haaw, which way is my betting-shop?
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'Cause I've got an absolute dead cert for the three-thirty at
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Chepstow. "Sad Ken". He's a hundred to one, but he's bound to
|
|
come in. Only, you see, it's a bit of a secret. Only us
|
|
bookies know about it so, don't tell anyone.
|
|
|
|
[Larry looks around to see the rest of the pub behind him listening.]
|
|
|
|
Larry: Right, um, let's just keep it a secret between us few people
|
|
in here then, alright? No, I'll tell you what -- forget
|
|
everything I said. Just wipe it from your minds. Hahaha.
|
|
Alright? What did I say?
|
|
All: We can't remember, Larry.
|
|
Larry: Phew, thank God for that.
|
|
|
|
[Larry stumbles towards the door.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Chepstow.
|
|
Eddie: Three-thirty.
|
|
Hedgehog: Hundred-to-one.
|
|
Spudgun: "Sad Ken".
|
|
Larry: [from the door] My secret is safe! [stumbles out]
|
|
Richie: Bloody hell Eddie, this is our lucky day. Free money from the
|
|
police, free drinks from the saucy bit of all right behind
|
|
the bar who I'm definitely on with later, and now a free tip
|
|
from Tight-mouth Larry! ...Now let's see, doodl-dl-do, doodl-
|
|
dl-do, that's sixteen quid we've got to put on "Sad Ken".
|
|
Which is a bit of a shame, because this is the chance of a
|
|
lifetime.
|
|
Eddie: Yeah.
|
|
Richie: Oh, if only I had a huge wad.
|
|
Eddie: Either that or a huge pile of cash.
|
|
Richie: Yeah... Hey, I've just had a great idea! Come with me to the
|
|
lavatories.
|
|
Eddie: That's not a great idea, that's the same cheap trick you try
|
|
every Saturday night!
|
|
Richie: Eddie, this is no time for being an ugly ignorant no-brained
|
|
arse-head from Hell!
|
|
Eddie: We're a bit stumped then, aren't we?
|
|
Richie: Yeah. But come to the toilets anyway, I think I might have
|
|
something of interest for you.
|
|
Eddie: All right me old mucker, anything for a giggle!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Scene 3. The Gent's Toilet.
|
|
---------------------------
|
|
|
|
[Richie is having a pee while Eddie watches, laughing and pointing.]
|
|
|
|
Eddie: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
|
|
Richie: All right, all right, all right, you'd be laughing on the
|
|
other side of your face if you were in my shoes.
|
|
Eddie: No I wouldn't -- I'd have very wet feet if I was in your
|
|
shoes.
|
|
Richie: Hwoop -- oh damn! Oh well, who cares. We'll be living in fur-
|
|
lined lizard-skin thigh boots from here on in if my plan
|
|
comes to fruition. Now, let's go over it again.
|
|
|
|
[Richie turns to face Eddie. Eddie jumps back]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Oh, sorry, sorry. [zips up] Right, now this is the plan.
|
|
Okay? We take off his leg, we take it down the pawn-shop,
|
|
right, put all the money on the horse, win, redeem the leg,
|
|
and put it back on. He'll never know. What could possibly go
|
|
wrong? Especially with a horse like "Sad Ken".
|
|
Eddie: You're right!
|
|
Richie: Okey-dokey. I'll distract his attention, you swipe the leg.
|
|
Eddie: Righty-dokey matey-bloke flap old salty sea-dog amigo skip-
|
|
jack jockstrap piano-tuner, let's see you balls this one up!
|
|
Richie: Right-o!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Scene 4. The Pub.
|
|
-----------------
|
|
|
|
[Richie and Eddie come back in.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Cripes Eddie, we're in luck, he's fallen asleep. Quick, get
|
|
his leg off.
|
|
|
|
[Eddie grabs the veteran's left leg, pulls it out straight, and twists it a
|
|
few times trying to get it off, with horrible crunching noises. The veteran
|
|
groans in his sleep.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!
|
|
Eddie: What?
|
|
Richie: That's the wrong leg! That's the real one.
|
|
Eddie: Well what shall I do with it?
|
|
Richie: Twist it back round and slip it back in the socket. Shh!
|
|
|
|
[Eddie quickly wrenches the leg back into position and jumps back. The
|
|
veteran sleeps.]
|
|
|
|
Eddie: Phew!
|
|
Richie: Right. Stick your hand right up his trouser leg and undo the
|
|
fastenings on his falsie.
|
|
|
|
[Eddie looks disgusted.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Hang on, I'll do it.
|
|
|
|
[Richie investigates up the veteran's trouser-leg.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: There we are... [finds something] Hwoorgh! Eddie...
|
|
[thinks again and undoes the fastenings] There you go. Get
|
|
down the pawn-shop, get what you can for that, and slap it
|
|
all on "Sad Ken". I'll keep him unconscious.
|
|
Eddie: Right. [holding up the leg] Best foot forward. I'll leg it
|
|
down to the pawn-broker's.
|
|
|
|
[Eddie leaves, doing a three-legged walk with the false leg. Richie walks
|
|
along the bar gathering up all the left-over dregs.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: [to barmaid] Ah, morning!
|
|
|
|
[He puts a funnel in the veteran's mouth and pours the drink down him. The
|
|
veteran gulps noisily without waking up.]
|
|
|
|
|
|
Scene 5. A Pawn-shop.
|
|
---------------------
|
|
|
|
[The shop is full of people, all trying to get to the broker's hatch.]
|
|
|
|
Broker: No it's not! No it's not!
|
|
Spudgun: [holding up a rat] Yes it is, I tell you, it's a mink. Look
|
|
at that pelt.
|
|
Broker: No it's not, that's the third time this week! Now bugger off!
|
|
Spudgun: [holding up a set of false teeth] What about some ivory
|
|
then?
|
|
Broker: [to Hedgehog] Can I help you sir? [to Spudgun] Get lost!
|
|
Hedgehog: A copy of "Health and Efficiency" please.
|
|
Broker: We don't do those!
|
|
Hedgehog: Ah, not much of a porn-shop then is it? All right then, how
|
|
much for this telly?
|
|
Broker: Telly, ten quid.
|
|
Hedgehog: Ten quid? But it's practically brand new! And it's "Bob's
|
|
Full House" tonight!
|
|
Broker: Exactly.
|
|
Hedgehog: Oh, I see what you mean. All right then, give us a fiver.
|
|
|
|
[Spudgun is trying to extract teeth from an old woman's mouth with a pair
|
|
of pliers.]
|
|
|
|
Spudgun: Look, come on Gran, I only want the gold one at the back. Sad
|
|
Ken's a dead cert!
|
|
|
|
[Eddie enters, carrying the leg.]
|
|
|
|
Eddie: Out of the way, out of the way, I'm trying to ger my leg
|
|
over!
|
|
Mrs. Potato: Ooh, you saucy sod, it'll cost yer! What d'you say to two
|
|
quid?
|
|
Eddie: I'd say ta very much. [takes the money] How was it for you?
|
|
[to the broker] Right, how much for this carved wooden leg?
|
|
Broker: Now, there's a nice bit of objet d'art! Must be worth at
|
|
least two and a half grand.
|
|
Eddie: Oh.
|
|
Broker: I'll give you one pound fifty for it.
|
|
Eddie: Let's haggle.
|
|
Broker: All right, a quid.
|
|
Eddie: No, let's haggle upwards.
|
|
Broker: All right, 50p!
|
|
Eddie: Blimey, they don't call you "Harry the Bastard" for nothing,
|
|
do they?
|
|
Broker: No, they call me Ted!
|
|
Eddie: Well listen Ted. I've still got a photograph of you, a
|
|
Chippendale, and an industrial size drum of Swarfega.
|
|
Broker: Have you?
|
|
Eddie: Ah-hah.
|
|
Broker: Then I'll give you five hundred pound for the leg.
|
|
Eddie: Thank you very much!
|
|
Broker: Now bugger off!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Scene 6. The Pub.
|
|
-----------------
|
|
|
|
[Richie is singing lullabies to the near-comatose veteran.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Hush little baby, don't say a word,
|
|
Daddy's got a dead cert in the three-thirty at Chepstow...
|
|
Veteran: [stirs] Oh, God, what's that horrible noise? Oh, I've just
|
|
had a terrible nightmare about an insane git with a very
|
|
small penis singing at me.
|
|
Richie: Christ, he's coming round! [to barmaid] Quick, give us
|
|
another seven bottles of Malibu.
|
|
Barmaid: Cor, you Government types know how to put it away, don't you?
|
|
Richie: [oily] You're not wrong there, my dear.
|
|
Veteran: Oor, sorry about that. Phwor, my head. I think I'll just walk
|
|
it off.
|
|
Richie: No! No! No, er, er, I'll, I'll, I'll walk it off for you.
|
|
[walking around] Aahh, ahh-haa-ha.
|
|
Veteran: Cor, I, I feel completely legless!
|
|
Richie: You don't know the half of it mate! Here, tell us another
|
|
two-hour anecdote about Goose Green.
|
|
Veteran: [slurred] Well, there was me and Trigger...
|
|
|
|
|
|
Scene 7. A Betting-shop.
|
|
------------------------
|
|
|
|
[The shop is full. Eddie is just putting a bet on.]
|
|
|
|
Eddie: Five hundred quid, on the nose, on Sad Ken if you please.
|
|
Bookie: Certainly. Would you like to pay tax?
|
|
Eddie: Well of course I wouldn't. What a ridiculous question!
|
|
Bookie: Right then, here we are Marjorie, another bundle for the Sad
|
|
Ken pile.
|
|
|
|
[He tosses Eddie's notes onto a huge pile of money.]
|
|
|
|
Old Man: 7p on Sad Ken, please.
|
|
Bookie: 7p?
|
|
Old Man: Yeah, it's all Harry the Bastard would give me for my house.
|
|
Bookie: Right then, that's it I'm afraid. Race on!
|
|
Eddie: Right, here we go then. Acapulco here we come! Ahh, this is
|
|
it boys. Untold wealth. Birds!
|
|
Spudgun: Booze!
|
|
Hedgehog: Budgerigars!
|
|
Commentator: They're lined up now ready to go... and they're off! Ah well,
|
|
they're nearly all off, there still stuck in the stalls is
|
|
Sad Ken, er, oh and he's off now, he's gone now in completely
|
|
the wrong direction, rather slowly. And I must say I think
|
|
it's very sporting of them to enter a three-legged blind
|
|
horse here this afternoon... And he's hit a tree, he's hit a
|
|
tree, and he's down -- oh well, back now we go to the leaders
|
|
-- ah, no, no, back with Sad Ken for now, and I'm afraid
|
|
they've had to shoot him. Yes, Sad Ken has been shot... and
|
|
so has the jockey.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Scene 8. The Pub.
|
|
-----------------
|
|
|
|
[Richie is still entertaining the veteran.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Ah, er, er, and after that I went to my secondary school.
|
|
Where, ha, all the teachers had different names of course.
|
|
There was Mr., er, ah, Baker, eh, Mr., eh, Mr. Derbyshire, ha
|
|
ha ha, who interestingly enough actually came from Berkshire!
|
|
Ah...
|
|
Eddie: Richie.
|
|
Richie: Shut up Eddie, I've got to keep this berk talking until Eddie
|
|
gets back.
|
|
Eddie: All right.
|
|
Richie: Oh, it's you! Hah, and don't sneak up on me like that. You
|
|
know what us old war veterans are like. They didn't call us
|
|
the "Desert Scorpions" for nothing, you know.
|
|
Eddie: No. They called you that because you're small, unpleasant and
|
|
rather poisonous.
|
|
Richie: Eddie, shut up, you're not as interesting as me.
|
|
Eddie: Fair enough.
|
|
Richie: Right! Where is the loot?
|
|
Eddie: Hah. Well, brace yourself.
|
|
Richie: Ah. Hup! [holds his body rigid]
|
|
Eddie: Because Sad Ken didn't turn out to be quite the wonder-horse
|
|
that we expected.
|
|
Richie: What? That's impossible.
|
|
Eddie: Hmmm.
|
|
Richie: Tight-mouth Larry said he was a hundred-percent cert.
|
|
|
|
[The landlord and Larry come in from the back of the pub, laughing. Larry
|
|
is waving a bundle of money.]
|
|
|
|
Larry: Ha ha ha, well, we had you there, didn't we?
|
|
Landlord: Good afternoon, suckers! As your friendly landlord I'd like
|
|
to introduce you all to my niece, Veronica. [indicates the
|
|
barmaid] Ha ha, how'd it go love, all right?
|
|
Veronica: Yeah, it was just like you said. They all pretended to be
|
|
from the Government.
|
|
Landlord: Yeah.
|
|
Veronica: Oh, and you were right about the complete git. He has got a
|
|
small penis.
|
|
Richie: Thank you very much. That's your name crossed off my little
|
|
list.
|
|
Veronica: Thank God for that.
|
|
Eddie: Yeah, you might as well throw away that minute piece of paper
|
|
now Richie.
|
|
Larry: So how much did they get through at the bar then?
|
|
Landlord: Two thousand quid.
|
|
Eddie: That ought to be about right.
|
|
Larry: Well that's all right, we made fourteen grand on the race, so
|
|
minus two that's twelve.
|
|
Landlord: Makes six grand apiece. Not a bad afternoon's work. Ha ha ha.
|
|
Richie & Eddie:
|
|
Bastards!
|
|
Larry: Great!
|
|
|
|
[The veteran is laughing.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Yeah, and you can shut up too -- Christ, Eddie, the psycho's
|
|
coming round. Where's his leg?
|
|
Eddie: Well... there it is, there!
|
|
Richie: No no no, where's his other leg?
|
|
Eddie: He hasn't got another leg!
|
|
Richie: No, I mean quick, get down the pawn-shop and redeem his other
|
|
leg!
|
|
Eddie: Right, quick, give me five hundred quid!
|
|
Richie: Right, quick, into the lavvies.
|
|
Eddie: No, Richie! It's illegal! Besides, you'll never make five
|
|
hundred quid that quick! You'd be lucky to get 10p a go!
|
|
Richie: Come on Eddie, I've got a brilliant idea! Into the lavs!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Scene 9. The Gent's Toilet.
|
|
---------------------------
|
|
|
|
[Richie and Eddie run in, frantic.]
|
|
|
|
Eddie: Okay, what's the brilliant idea?
|
|
Richie: Panic! Hoooo, hooo, hooo!
|
|
Eddie: Calm down! [slaps him] Look, I'll handle this. My uncle
|
|
Percy used to be in the trenches in the first world war. Hah!
|
|
You know what he used to say?
|
|
Richie: What?
|
|
Eddie: Aarrgh, bloody hell, Germans, thousands of them, oooh, shoot
|
|
me , aargh, help me, I wanna go home, aaargh, aaargh!
|
|
Richie: Eddie, shut up!
|
|
Eddie: Aaargh, aaargh, aaargh!
|
|
Richie: Shut up! [slaps him]
|
|
Eddie: Aaargh, aaargh, aaargh!
|
|
Richie: [slap] Shut up! [slap] Shut up! All right?
|
|
|
|
[Eddie, panting, nods. Richie looks reassured. Eddie punches him.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: All right!
|
|
|
|
[Richie punches Eddie. They fight.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Hang on! This is a bloody good idea!
|
|
Eddie: What, you want some more do you?
|
|
Richie: No, no, no no no. Why don't we mug the first person that
|
|
comes into the toilets?
|
|
Eddie: Great idea! [punches Richie]
|
|
Richie: [holding his teeth] What did you do that for?
|
|
Eddie: Well you were the first person that came in.
|
|
Richie: Yeah, but I haven't got any money!
|
|
Eddie: [sighs] Damn! Ha. Didn't work eh? Not much in this mugging
|
|
game, is there?
|
|
Richie: No, you dolt! I'm talking about the subsequent lavatarians!
|
|
Look, the next person that comes in, right, we mug him,
|
|
right? Or her. If she's a perv. Never know your luck!
|
|
Both: Hwoorgh!
|
|
Richie: Right. After we've robbed him, nip down the pawn-shop, redeem
|
|
the leg, bring it back, and put it back on. Everything'll be
|
|
tickety-boo. We'll be back home with our feet up in front of
|
|
"Emmerdale Farm" before you can say...
|
|
Eddie: Someone's coming into the toilet.
|
|
Richie: "Someone's coming into the toilet." Someone's coming into the
|
|
toilet!
|
|
|
|
[Richie pulls the condom machine off the wall. Eddie arms himself with a
|
|
toilet seat.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Quick Eddie, let him have it
|
|
|
|
[Richie bangs the man over the head with the machine and starts punching
|
|
him in the stomach. Eddie hits him with the toilet-seat, realises who it
|
|
it, plucks Richie's arm and points at his face. Richie starts hitting the
|
|
man in the face.]
|
|
|
|
Eddie: It's Chief Inspector Grobbelaar.
|
|
Both: Shit.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Scene 10. The Police Station
|
|
----------------------------
|
|
|
|
[Another line-up, including Richie, Eddie, Hedgehog, Spudgun and Mrs.
|
|
Potato.]
|
|
|
|
Mrs. Potato: Get on with it, you filthy scum. Why don't you get a real
|
|
job?
|
|
|
|
[Grobbelaar punches her. She falls back against the wall.]
|
|
|
|
Grobbelaar: Happy with the line-up, gentlemen?
|
|
Richie: Well, no, not really, I mean, you know that it's us, don't
|
|
you? We don't stand a chance!
|
|
Grobbelaar: That's the beauty of it, sir.
|
|
Richie: Well, don't we get a make-up artist or something? Or some
|
|
time to grow a moustache... or have a sex change?
|
|
Eddie: I demand to see a lawyer! Preferably a female nudie one.
|
|
Grobbelaar: If you'd like to shut up now sir, I'll go down the line and
|
|
see if I can spot the felons.
|
|
|
|
[He walks down the line until he reaches Richie and Eddie, who are pulling
|
|
faces and bent over like hunchbacks.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Damn! All right, what happens now, copper?
|
|
Grobbelaar: Well, I invite everyone here to fall on you and give you a
|
|
damn good kicking.
|
|
Both: What?
|
|
Grobbelaar: In your own time gentlemen. [blows a whistle]
|
|
Richie: No, no!
|
|
|
|
[Truncheon blows land on Richie and Eddie's heads. Freeze-frame, roll
|
|
credits.]
|
|
|
|
|
|
Transcription James Kew <j.kew@ic.ac.uk>. Last revised July 1994.
|
|
|
|
"Bottom -- The Scripts", a BBC book, contains full scripts to
|
|
Series One, including many lines that were cut for transmission.
|
|
Series One and Series Two are available on BBC videos.
|