682 lines
30 KiB
ArmAsm
682 lines
30 KiB
ArmAsm
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BOTTOM
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======
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by Adrian Edmondson and Rik Mayall
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Series 1, Episode 1
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Smells
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======
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Richie Rik Mayall
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Eddie Adrian Edmondson
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Assistant Kevin McNally
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Woman at bar Harriet Thorpe
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Woman's husband Clive Mantle
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Landlord Lee Cornes
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Kate Cindy Shelley
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Kate's Friend Carla Mendonca
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Scene 1. The Flat.
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------------------
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[Eddie and Richie return from the pub.]
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Richie: I mean what happened there? I just don't understand it. I made
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all the right moves: I winked, I smiled -- one of my nice ones
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as well -- I sat down very nicely, leant forward, put on my
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special eyes and said "Hello big tits, looking for some
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action?" And what did she say?
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Eddie: I think she said no, didn't she?
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Richie: That's right! No. Blasted lesbians everywhere. They should have
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labels on them or something. I wasted half an hour on those
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two. Prancing up and down, winking, clenching me buttocks --
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backwards and forwards to the Gent's I was going. Look at this,
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look at this! I've got armfuls of gonad enhancers down here.
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[He pulls a wad of toilet paper from his trousers.]
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Eddie: I don't think they were lesbians, Richie, 'cause they got off
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with those other blokes. Those, er, handsomer, wittier, erm,
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well basically those two guys who didn't have a load of toilet
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paper stuffed down their trousers.
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Richie: Yeah, well you hardly helped, did you? Stuffing a Vimto bottle
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down the front of your pants and shouting "Wahoo, looking for
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the Eiffel Tower girls?"
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Eddie: I got a result.
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Richie: I don't call a kick in the knackers a result.
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Eddie: A free drink!
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Richie: Oh yes, a kick in the knackers and a vodka and tonic in the
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face.
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Eddie: Always keep your mouth open when you're insulting a lady.
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Richie: What a waste of time. If only I could just get one of them to
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do it with me. I mean anybody. Just to do it with me. Just
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once. Just to find out what it's like. [looks out of the
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window] I mean look, look all around you. It's Friday night,
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and everywhere you look there's buildings full of people doing
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it. They're all doing it and doing it, and then stopping and
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having a fag and then doing it a bit more. There's not a single
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one of them saying "Hang on a minute. This really isn't fair. I
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mean, here's us doing it and doing it and doing it and there's
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poor old Richie and he hasn't done it. Ever. He hasn't got
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anyone to do it to. I'll tell you what, I'll pop down and do it
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to him for a bit, and then pop back up, would that be alright?"
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I mean it wouldn't hurt, would it? It'd be charitable. I mean,
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just think of all those acres and acres of ladies, all lying
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there saying "Go on darling, let's do it." And the blokes
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saying "Nah, I don't feel like doing it, the snooker's on."
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Well I could be filling in for him! Providing a service. I
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could even charge! Might make a bit of money. [turns back,
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excited] Hey Eddie, I've just thought of s-- What on earth are
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you eating?
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Eddie: Lard.
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Richie: You are eating... lard.
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Eddie: Yeah, I'm hungry, but I'm too drunk to cook.
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Richie: All right Eddie, I can feel the elbow in the ribs. Alright,
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I'll do one of my famous Friday night fryups. Chuck us a couple
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of eggs.
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[Eddie throws across two eggs, which splash out of the frying pan.]
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Richie: Ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha haa, the old ones are the best ones,
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aren't they! Who needs girls when you've got your mates! I tell
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you, there's some things a girl just can't appreciate and
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Richie's Friday night fryup is one of them. Oil!
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[Eddie is drinking from a bottle of oil. He replaces the lid and throws the
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bottle to Richie.]
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Eddie: Ah! Mazola!
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Richie: Right then. A little dab of oil... The secret ingredient...
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[He picks up a pan and starts to scrape out the contents.]
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Richie: Come on out, you know you want to! Come on, you've only been in
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there a week.
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Eddie: [taking a pint of beer from his jacket pocket] Ha ha ha haaa!
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Richie: And then just the last couple of pints... Hoh!
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[Richie has noticed some action going on in the house opposite. He takes a
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pair of binoculars from a hook by the window. The couple notice him ogling
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them.]
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Richie: Lovely night!
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[He tosses the binoculars out of the window. A dog below barks. He turns
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away from the window with a sigh.]
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Richie: Hit that dog again. But why doesn't anyone ever want to have
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any sex with me?
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Eddie: Well look on the bright side Richie, at least you're not going
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to get any sexually transmitted diseases.
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Richie: You're right there, I'd be lucky to catch flu off a girl. In
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fact that was the closest I ever got to sex when that bus
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conductress sneezed all over my head this morning. Gaw, talk
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about the Green Line! Oh Eddie. I'm just so depressed.
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Eddie: Aw, cheer up Richie, there's loads and loads of ugly birds in
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the world, one of them's bound to do it with you sooner or
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later.
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Richie: But there must be some way I can get a woman to sleep with me.
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I mean, she doesn't even need to sleep with me. It's the
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staying awake bit I'm interested in.
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Eddie: Hey! I've just had a fantastic idea!
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Richie: Oh great! [waits while Eddie drinks his pint] Well?
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Eddie: What?
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Richie: What was the fantastic idea?
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Eddie: To drink that. ...Only joking! Why not put an ad in the lonely
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hearts column?
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Richie: Yeah!
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Eddie: Yeah, yeah. "Ugly virgin desperately seeks sex of any
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description."
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Richie: That is absolutely brilliant! "Suave, sophisticated, witty"
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bababababa-aaaaaah! Let's just be economical with the truth.
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Um, something buck. Yeah, "Hot young buck".
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Eddie: What about "badger"?
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Richie: Nnnno, no, I'm more a sort of...
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Eddie: "Hedgehog".
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Richie: No, fox. That's good. No, that's good. No that is good.
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Eddie: "Stoat".
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Richie: Foxy stoat? Yeeaah! Yeah, its got a ring to it. "Foxy stoat
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seeks..."
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Eddie: "Pig"!
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Richie: "Foxy stoat seeks pig." Shut up Eddie! This is very important.
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Let's see now, foxy stoat... on the prowl... Rrrrrrrrr... I
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like that! Musky, musky fox, musky sly old foxy stoat, minky
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musky sly old stoaty stoaty stoat... Oh this is ridiculous! I'm
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not getting anywhere. What do they normally put?
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Eddie: Hang on, here we are. Sad old gits section. Sad old gits
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section. Did you hear what I said?
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Richie: Yes.
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Eddie: I said "Sad old gits section."
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Richie: Please, I've only got so many ribs, Noel Coward. What do they
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normally put?
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Eddie: Well he's not going to get very far, is he? "Gay."
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Richie: Don't knock it Eddie, cuts down the field for guys like us.
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Right, let's have a look at this. "Gay... gay gay gay gay gay
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gay widow ga--" aah, widow! [licks lips] "Widow. Busty,
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raven-haired, millionairess, gay." Gay, gay -- hang on Eddie,
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this is the gay section! Well u-- urhh, what's this? "Instant
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Sex Appeal". You can get it in a bottle.
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Eddie: Let's have a look.
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[Eddie gets up, stumbling around the room behind Richie.]
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Richie: "Pheromone sex scent. Women cannot resist this powerful love
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smell. Scientifically distilled from mystical African orchids."
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Wow! Oh look, it's medically proven. "This stuff attracts women
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like you would not believe -- Karachi Medical Gazette.
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Available at all good sex shops." This is it Eddie -- Girl City
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here we come! What do you think old chum?
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[Eddie throws up on Richie's shoulder. The cooker explodes.]
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Richie: Nil desparandum!
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Scene 2. A Sex Shop.
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--------------------
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[Richie is lurking outside the door; he pushes Eddie into the shop.]
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Richie: Go on. Go on!
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Assistant: Can I help you sir?
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Eddie: Hhhh, hhhhhhhh! This is a sex shop isn't it?
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Assistant: Yes.
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Eddie: I'll have five quid's worth then!
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Assistant: Very droll, sir. I've never heard that one before.
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Eddie: Haven't you? Shall I tell it again?
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Assistant: No thank you sir, I'd rather have a pineapple inserted
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violently into my rectum.
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Eddie: You've been working here too long mate.
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Richie: [hissing, from the door] Get some pheromone, get the
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pheromone.
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Assistant: Can I help you, sir?
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Richie: No.
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Assistant: Do you wish to purchase anything to assist you with your sex
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life?
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Richie: What are you implying? That I'm some sort of sexual inadequate?
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I have a very full and rich and varied sex life, thank you very
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much. I don't need anything from a shop like this!
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Assistant: Would you get out then sir?
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Richie: No.
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Assistant: Why not?
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Richie: It's a secret.
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[He gestures urgently to Eddie.]
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Eddie: [to Richie] Okay. [quietly] Hhhm, two bottles of pheromone
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please.
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Assistant: Pardon?
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Eddie: Hhhhhhhhh, two bottles of pheromone please.
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Assistant: Pheromone! Oh yes, that's the sex spray for inadequate men who
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find it impossible to attract women?
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Eddie: That's the one, yes.
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Assistant: [to Richie] Isn't it, sir?
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Richie: Ah, I've got no idea, not being a pervert I'm not up on these
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things.
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Assistant: Your sex spray gentlemen!
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Eddie: Hh, hhh, I've got it!
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Richie: Fantastic, give me mine! Let's go! Er, I mean, well done
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Doctor...
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Eddie: I'm not a doctor!
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Richie: Shut up. We are men of science!
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[He discovers that his hand is clasping a huge dildo. He jumps back.]
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Richie: We live our lives on a higher plane than you do, buster! Where
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truth and purity and virginity are the only things we respect!
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Eddie: That's right Richie. Let's get back to the flat, bung a bit of
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this on, get down the pub and see if we can pick up some birds!
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Richie: Yeah!
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[They leave. Richie gets tangled up in a leather harness.]
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Richie: Urgh, urgh, urg, urgh... whoarrgh!
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Scene 3. The Flat.
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------------------
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[Eddie is in the bathroom, practicing in the mirror.]
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Eddie: Hello baby. Feeling mysteriously drawn to me are you? Well
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don't you worry -- you can have me whenever you like! Ll-ll-ll-
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ll-ll-ll--
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[Eddie flaps his tongue at the mirror but suddenly stops, having noticed
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something. He pulls his tongue out further, covers it with shaving foam and
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shaves it.]
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Richie: Ungh, blast these underpants! Argh! I've been soaking them for
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hours and I still can't get them off. You know I've only got
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one pair of pants?
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Eddie: Yeah.
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Richie: Well the elastic went so I had to glue them on.
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Eddie: Have you tried Swarfega?
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Richie: Get out of it mate, this is Eterno-Gum! Nothing'll shift this!
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I've been sitting in a bowl of petrol for the last two hours. I
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tell you, I'm a walking time-bomb I am -- one curry and I'll
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blow, and I'll take half the street with me as well.
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Eddie: Oh, don't you worry Richie. Within the hour some pheromone-
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crazed love goddess'll be ripping them off with her teeth.
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Richie: Haahh, do you really think so?
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Eddie: No doubt about it!
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Richie: Ohh, God! I wonder what she'll find down there? I've had them
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on for three weeks. What am I doing here? Oh yes, where's that
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biro? Right, chest hair. What do you think, curly or straight?
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Curly's a bit suggestive, don't you think?
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Eddie: Yeah, I'd go for curly.
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Richie: Yeah, hwoorh. Curly it is. [drawing hairs on his chest] Curly
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wurly wurly...
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Eddie: I'm not so sure about the green though.
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Richie: I know, but I used up all the black on me legs. Oh-oh. Nose
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hair. [clicks his fingers twice] Tweezers!
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Eddie: What do you mean, [click, click] tweezers? We've never had
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any tweezers.
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Richie: Well get some [click, click] pliers then. Huh, it doesn't
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matter how much pheromone I put on, if some bird sees that
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coming at her out of the dark she's likely to pull on it and
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expect the butler to come in.
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Eddie: [returning with the pliers] There. Here we go. Which one is
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it?
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Richie: Third one on the left.
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[There is a loud crunch as he closes the pliers on Richie's nostrils.]
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Eddie: Brace yourself...
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Richie: Yes?
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Eddie: ...because this might make your eyes water.
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[Eddie starts to pull, swinging Richie around from side to side, bracing
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himself with a foot in order to pull harder. Richie is in some discomfort
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and eventually manages to punch Eddie away.]
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Richie: Bastard!
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[Richie pulls the bathroom cabinet off the wall and smashes it over Eddie's
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head. Eddie punches Richie, sending him flying through the bathroom door.
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He follows him and starts lining up a huge punch.]
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Richie: Oh, uh, no, Eddie, no, this is stupid!
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Eddie: Yes?
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Richie: Look, we're going out tonight, to get some fantastic birds!
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Remember? We don't have to take out our frustrations on each
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other, we can take them out on them! Okay?
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Eddie: Okay.
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Richie: Okay. Come on, let's shake and make up.
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Both: [shaking their bodies] Brrrrr. [miming applying make-up] Mm
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mm mm... Great gag!
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[They walk into the living-room.]
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Eddie: Yeah, that's right Richie, our crumpet-free days are over.
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Listen to this. "Spray liberally...
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Richie: Yeah?
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Eddie: ...Go to a place with lots of females...
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Richie: Yeah?
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Eddie: ...and brace yourself."
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Richie: Gawww! Hahhh. How much do you think we should put on?
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Eddie: Well, I've already put on half a bottle.
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Richie: What! Half a bottle? Are you insane? You'll be dead by morning.
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Death by Sex. You'll just be lying there and they'll be doing
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it to you and doing it to you and doing it to you until -- I
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think I'll put on half a bottle as well! [spraying] Ah, a
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little bit there, little bit there, little bit there just in
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case... ooh! Right. Where's that packet of rubber johnnies we
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used to have?
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Eddie: We stuck them on our heads, remember, when Norman came round
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with that sherry.
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Richie: Great days they were, great days. Ah well, not to worry --
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let's get some more down the pub.
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Scene 4. The Pub.
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-----------------
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[There is a terrific barking of dogs. Richie and Eddie enter, forcing the
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door shut behind them.]
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Richie: Blimey, when it said "female" I didn't expect the term to be so
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broad. Hah... right... here we are. [sprays himself] Here we
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go -- Death by Sex, Part One. Right, come on.
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Eddie: Look at that crackling bit of crumpet!
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Richie: Right. That one's got my number on it. I'll see you later old
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pal, I'm going in.
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Eddie: Okay, good luck skipper.
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[Richie lifts his arm and wafts his armpit past the woman a few times. She
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doesn't notice. He flaps the front of his jacket at her.]
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Richie: ...Yes... Give in... Give in to your cravings...
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Woman: I beg your pardon?
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Richie: Do as you are bid. You cannot help yourself... Come back to my
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place because we're going to have it off...
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[The woman's husband appears behind Richie. He is a large, tough-looking
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man.]
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Tough: What d'you think you're doing with my wife?
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Eddie: He's gonna have it off with her!
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Tough: I don't think he is.
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[He takes a good grip on Richie's crutch and twists. Crunch.]
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Tough: ...I don't think he's capable any more.
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Woman: No! Darling don't hurt them. I think it's shocking they send
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them back into the community so soon...
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Richie: Yes, that's right! We're mere loonies, we mean no harm! Hoo-
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hoo-hoo-hoooo! [gestures to Eddie to join in] Hoo-hoo-hoo,
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"Come back to my place, we're going to have it off" -- ahhahha
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I'm mad! Ahhahahah -- you see Eddie, it works!
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Eddie: Did it?
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Richie: Of course it did! If it hadn't been for that gorilla I would
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have been well away...
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Eddie: Pwwoooargh!
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Richie: Did you see her -- she was mesmerised! And I'll tell you
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what...
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Eddie: What?
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Richie: It's loosened up my pants a bit too.
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Eddie: Well, this is your lucky day!
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Richie: You're not wrong there. Come on -- we'll get the drinks in and
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then we'll prrrrrowl. Grrrrrr. Landlord! [clicks his fingers]
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Two halves of mild please.
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Eddie: In pint glasses.
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Landlord: Certainly Eddie, and how are we today?
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Eddie: Yep.
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[Eddie sprays the air in front of him.]
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Landlord: Fwoorh, smells like the drains have gone in here.
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Eddie: Cor, look at those couple of stunners down there.
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Richie: Whoh, whoh, whoh... Do you think they're starbirds?
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Eddie: Yeah, bound to be mate. Either that or... topless models.
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Richie: Look at the way they're sitting! Screaming for it! They want to
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have it off with someone.
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Landlord: Ah, that'll be one pound sixty please gents.
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Eddie: Yeah, cheers, just stick it on the slate Dick.
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Landlord: Ah, you haven't got a slate.
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Eddie: Yes we have!
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Landlord: No you haven't.
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Eddie: I demand to see the landlord!
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Landlord: I am the landlord.
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Eddie: I know!
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Landlord: We have this conversation every night. One pound sixty.
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Richie: All right, there you are. Vampire!
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Eddie: Leech!
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Richie: Bloodsucker!
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Eddie: Parasite!
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Richie: Usurer!
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Landlord: Shut up.
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Eddie: It's always worth a try.
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Richie: Absolutely. Speaking of which, let the tournament commence.
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[Richie walks behind one of the women, spraying some pheromone. He flaps
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his coat at her. He gets no response and plucks at her shoulder.]
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Richie: Excuse me, excuse me!
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[Now Richie has her attention, he flaps his coat again and then waves his
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tie in her face.]
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Kate: Is there something wrong?
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Richie: No, there's everything right... my love.
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[Eddie points at the other girl.]
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Eddie: Is that one mine?
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Richie: Yes, that's your bird.
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Eddie: Right, we'd better get started then.
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[He sprays the girl in the face.]
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Eddie: Right, so what's it to be then -- mild or bitter?
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Richie: Or straight back to our place?
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Kate: I'm sorry, look we really don't want a drink.
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Richie: I think you do.
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[Richie sprays his armpit and thrusts it in her face.]
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Richie: Are you sure?
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Kate: Oh alright, if you must I'll have a Coke.
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Richie: Bingo! It bloody works! Eddie, you get the drinks in. I'll keep
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the birds white hot.
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Eddie: Okay.
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Richie: So, little baby. What might your little name be today?
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Kate: My little name's Kate today, same as it was yesterday.
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Richie: Hahahahahaaa. I say, what a lovely blouse. It's very special
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isn't it? Do you often wear blouses? Or sometimes do you wear a
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jumper? I suppose it depends on the weather really doesn't it?
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|
I, I sometimes wear a jumper. There again, sometimes I wear a
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cardie. Tell me, do you like to take people's underpants off
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with your teeth?
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Landlord: You haven't got a slate.
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Eddie: Extortionate parasite!
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Landlord: Shut up.
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Eddie: Here we go.
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Richie: I suppose if you're wearing dentures...
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Eddie: Hey, here's a good one. Anyone fancy a quick gander at the
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|
Eiffel Tower?
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Richie: Oh, this is frightfully funny -- no it's not! Eddie! No! No!
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Don't do that, because I think it's time to go to the toilet.
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Eddie, wouldn't you like to come to the toilet with me?
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Eddie: No... I wouldn't?
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|
|
|
[Richie mimes putting money into a machine, getting a condom out,
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stretching it between his fingers, unrolling the condom over his head,
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pulling it tight, rolling it back off again. Eddie, not understanding,
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|
repeats the stretching gesture. In desperation Richie gestures, poking his
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finger through the circle formed by the finger and thumb of his other hand;
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the girls notice and he opens his hand, pretending to rub some dirt off
|
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it.]
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Eddie: I get it! Johnnies!
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[Richie runs away, heading for the toilet.]
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|
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Eddie: Shan't be a moment girls, I'm desperate to go. Ahh, keep
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|
yourselves hot, we shall be but a moment. Adieu, adieu... to
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|
yeu and yeu and yeu...
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Richie: Edward Hitler, will you get into the lavatory with me this
|
|
instant!
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|
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|
[Eddie goes in. Richie notices the rest of the pub watching.]
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|
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Richie: We're... toilet inspectors.
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|
|
|
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|
Scene 5. The Gent's Toilet.
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---------------------------
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|
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|
[Eddie takes a look out of the door.]
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|
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Eddie: The coast is clear!
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|
Richie: Right, let's go! Oh, nadgers -- what kind do you want?
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|
Eddie: Rubber ones.
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|
Richie: Yeah, but there's, there's ribbed, there's ticklers and there's
|
|
ultra-sensitive.
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|
Eddie: Ripped?
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|
Richie: Yeah.
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|
Eddie: Who's gonna want a ripped condom?
|
|
Richie: Ah, it must be for people who want to get pregnant. Well, I
|
|
don't think ultra-sensitive's our style, do you?
|
|
Eddie: Nahhh.
|
|
Richie: Right then, tickler it is! Oh, nadgers -- what colour?
|
|
Eddie: What have they got?
|
|
Richie: There's black, there's gold, there's Union Jack or there's
|
|
leopard-skin.
|
|
Eddie: Which d'you think is the most romantic?
|
|
Richie: Well, Union Jack of course.
|
|
Eddie: Well, Union Jack tickler then.
|
|
Richie: Okey-dokey. Oh, nadgers -- what flavour?
|
|
Eddie: Flavour?
|
|
Richie: Yeah, there's banana, strawberry, peanut butter, Marmite or
|
|
cheese and onion.
|
|
Eddie: Well, everyone likes cheese and onion don't they?
|
|
Richie: Of course they do. Okey-dokey then. Cheese and onion flavour
|
|
Union Jack tickler it is. Bagsy me first go with it.
|
|
Eddie: No, no, no. Get two.
|
|
Richie: Get two?
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|
Eddie: Yeah.
|
|
Richie: Wild man!
|
|
|
|
[Richie feeds some money into the machine and presses the relevant buttons.
|
|
Nothing happens. He hits the machine a few times.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Bastard! Bastard! Give me my rubber johnnies!
|
|
Eddie: Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. I'm the DIY expert. Right,
|
|
let's have a look at the little fella. Hah... Yeah, I think I
|
|
see the problem.
|
|
Richie: What is it?
|
|
|
|
[Eddie hits the machine, too hard, and doubles up in pain.]
|
|
|
|
Eddie: Hwarg-- ooh! Ahh, ahhg, ahhg!
|
|
Richie: Eddie!
|
|
|
|
[Richie starts hitting the machine.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Give me my johnnies, give me my johnnies!
|
|
Eddie: Ow!
|
|
Richie: There's two birds out there in the bar who're just screaming
|
|
for it! Give me my johnnies!
|
|
|
|
[The tough man from the bar walks into the toilet, behind Richie. Eddie
|
|
plucks at Richie's arm, trying to warn him.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Get off, Eddie! Give me my johnnies! I just want to do it and
|
|
do it and do it to those two birds at the bar -- ah, ah...
|
|
Tough: You wanna what?
|
|
Eddie: Um, he, he, he wants to do it and do it and do it to those two
|
|
birds at the bar.
|
|
Richie: Haahaa...
|
|
|
|
[The tough punches him. Richie crashes back against the machine, which
|
|
starts to spew out packets of condoms.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Ooh! Eddie! Look! More johnnies than it's humanly possible to
|
|
use in a week!
|
|
Eddie: Grreat!
|
|
|
|
[Eddie opens his mouth and gives himself a massive blast of pheromone.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Come on, that should do for a week. Let's go out there before
|
|
our two crumpets go off the boil.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Scene 6. The Pub.
|
|
-----------------
|
|
|
|
[Richie and Eddie enter from the toilet.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Oh no! Someone's nicked our birds!
|
|
Eddie: Come on Richie, let me at them! I'm a sex typhoon! Hello, baby!
|
|
Richie: Eddie, Eddie, calm down. That's a chair.
|
|
Eddie: Yeah, it's a bit of all right isn't it?
|
|
Richie: Eddie, calm down, someone's nicked our crumpets. Oh no, there
|
|
they are...
|
|
|
|
[Eddie begins pawing the tough man, who is standing at the bar with his
|
|
wife. Richie notices just in time.]
|
|
|
|
Eddie: Hwor, hwor, hworrrrgh...
|
|
Richie: Eddie, no! Wrong one! Ha ha hoo-hoo-hoooo!
|
|
|
|
[They arrive at the table where the two women are now sitting.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Ha ha ha ha ha-ha! Oh. So you've moved tables. Of course, how
|
|
silly of me. It's much more romantic in a booth, isn't it
|
|
birds?
|
|
Kate: Look, I'm sorry, but we're having a private conversation.
|
|
Richie: That's all right, you just carry on, we'll sit here and listen.
|
|
But you'd better hurry up -- we haven't got all night.
|
|
Kate's Friend:
|
|
No, I'm sorry, we'd really rather be on our own.
|
|
Richie: Oh. Oooh. Ah ha ha ha-ha. Trying to decide which one of us to
|
|
have, are you? Well before you decide let me tell you that, ah,
|
|
"Tiny" Eddie here and... I... h-hmm... share the same flat so
|
|
don't worry, you'll both be waking up in the same house.
|
|
Eddie: Have me. Have me, I'm a Love Albatross!
|
|
|
|
[Eddie falls off his chair and slips down under the table.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Ah-ha ha ha ha ha. Yes. Although, if you play your cards right,
|
|
you could both wind up sleeping in the same... bed.
|
|
Kate: I'm sorry. You've got the wrong idea. We're really not
|
|
interested. Besides which, we're lesbians.
|
|
Richie: Well, you'd be used to it then won't -- you what!
|
|
Kate: We're lesbians.
|
|
Richie: Yes, I know what you said! Is this some sort of joke? Because
|
|
if it is I don't think it's very funny.
|
|
Friend: Come on Kate, let's go.
|
|
Richie: Wait a minute! You just sit down there young lady. I bought you
|
|
a Coca-Cola in good faith. That's eighty pence you've
|
|
hoodwinked out of me. Eighty pence. When I said "Hello my
|
|
darling, would you like a Coca-Cola?" did you say "No thank
|
|
you, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm a lesbian"? No, you didn't,
|
|
not a bit of it. You said "Thank you very much, that'd be
|
|
lovely".
|
|
Kate: No I didn't, I said "Oh all right, if you must".
|
|
Richie: All right, all right, there's no need to be so pedantic. The
|
|
fact is you owe me eighty pence.
|
|
Kate: What d'you mean?
|
|
Richie: Well you're not going to sleep with me are you?
|
|
Kate: Right, there's your eighty pence. Come on, let's go.
|
|
Richie: What, you're going? No, wait, wait, wait, this is silly, this
|
|
is so silly. Ha-ha, look, look, hah, look, I'm terribly sorr--
|
|
look, what the hell! Let's waive the eighty pence. You know,
|
|
it's Saturday night! Who cares? Look, look, okay, I'm sorry. I
|
|
have been terribly intolerant. It's not your fault that you're
|
|
lesbians. Look, please, give me one more chance. Come back to
|
|
my place -- and I'll cure you.
|
|
|
|
[The women push past Richie and leave. Richie calls to them through the
|
|
open door.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: What did I say? No, no don't go! Please! I've got the same
|
|
ideas about women as you have! I've got loads of magazines at
|
|
home! You can come back with me and we'll all read them
|
|
together! I've got every mail order catalogue since 1983! And
|
|
they just flop open at the lingerie pages! Hey, no, wait, wait,
|
|
I've even taped the "Clothes Show" special on beachwear! We
|
|
could take all our clothes off and watch them in our pants!
|
|
|
|
[Richie notices the silence, the rest of the pub looking at him, hanging on
|
|
every word.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Yes, is there something wrong?
|
|
|
|
[The background chatter of the pub returns. Richie walks back into the pub
|
|
and puts his coat on with a sigh.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Ruined Saturday night. Oh well, may as well have another drink.
|
|
Landlord, I shall have a large --
|
|
Landlord: Time gentlemen please!
|
|
Richie: You are a cu--
|
|
Landlord: Out!
|
|
Eddie: Hi baby. Cor, you smell great! Let's do it!
|
|
Richie: Eddie, get a grip!
|
|
Eddie: Lovely, aren't you? Lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely.
|
|
Richie: Eddie, no!
|
|
Eddie: Richie, yes!
|
|
Richie: Huuhh... Right, I'm off!
|
|
|
|
[Richie speeds out of the door. There is a terrible commotion of dogs
|
|
barking. He returns, panting.]
|
|
|
|
Eddie: Changed your mind have you dearie? Well, come on then. Plant a
|
|
big one right on me kisser!
|
|
Richie: Uurrrgh. Urgh, urgh.
|
|
|
|
[Richie advances towards Eddie, expressions of distaste and disgust
|
|
crossing his face. When he gets close enough he lets fly a massive punch.
|
|
The screen freezes just after it lands. The credits roll.]
|
|
|
|
|
|
Transcription James Kew <j.kew@ic.ac.uk>. Last revised July 1994.
|
|
|
|
"Bottom -- The Scripts", a BBC book, contains full scripts to
|
|
Series One, including many lines that were cut for transmission.
|
|
Series One and Series Two are available on BBC videos.
|