textfiles/magazines/WHATEVER/coffee.txt

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The REAL truth about coffee and caffeine
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Email: (swain@enigma.rider.edu)


WARNING: I'm not a doctor.
WARNING #2: I was wasted on Hawaiian Kona when I wrote this.
WARNING #3: Take the following with a grain of salt (or a cup of
coffee).


This, coming from someone that drinks three pots a day, I feel I
have the right to appear authoritative.

     The idea here is to dispel any paranoia that coffee drinkers
experience and discuss physically related health problems
attributed to the reality of coffee drinking....(?)

Q: Does caffeine fuck you up?

A: Yes, but mostly psychologically.  If you drink too much caffeine
you'll really start freaking out.  Of course you know this.  You
don't need to worry too much about it unless you find yourself
getting out of control.  The two obvious physical things caffeine
does to you is: 1) Reduces blood circulation 2) Ruins your
appetite.  The circulation thing tends to really be prominent when
its cold.  Especially if you have bad circulation in the first
place.  But don't worry about it, ok?  Ruining of your appetite is
not necessarily a bad thing, unless you never eat.  We all know how
hard it is to be hungry when you're wired out of your mind.  Plus
psychologically you don't want to eat cause it'll kill the buzz
prematurely.  Its your call, but of course you'll get fucked up if
you never eat.  I recommend eating first, waiting an hour or so,
and start slamming that awesome java beverage.

Acid:  Strong coffee is loaded with it, I mean LOADED.  But
according to a report: if you drink coffee at about 98 degrees
instead of (sometimes) 140 degrees it significantly reduces the
acid factor.  Don't ask me why.  The acid is really the worst part
cause it gives you gastro-intestinal problems and sometimes makes
you short of breath.  People that put cream or milk in their coffee
(which is an insult in its own right) may not have as many problems
with the acid because of the process of coating the stomach.  Milk
also naturally kills some of the acids.  I recommend dealing with
the pain though.

Q: I'm a HARDCORE caffeine abuser.  I drink a ton of strong black
coffee and I love it but it makes me crazy and worry alot.  What
can I do?

A: Well, I'm not going to say cut down on coffee, because that goes
against my morals.  This should help your psyche:

1) A healthy person couldn't possibly die from drinking a lot of
coffee (ie: 20 cups a day).  But who WANTS to drink that much
anyway?


2) Occasional heart palpitations are nothing to worry about (unless
you have existing heart problems.  Consult a doctor)

3) Just like not a single death has been directly attributed to LSD
usage, not a single person has gone legally insane simply from
abuse of coffee and caffeine.

Q: What are the legitimate dangers of caffeine?

A: Good question (!).  People with heart murmurs, palpitations, and
general arhythmia should be careful.  I don't think you could
actually have a heart attack, but the caffeine will definitely
increase your problems.  I have a rare condition called a PAT where
my brain sends improper electrical signals to my heart which on
rare occasion makes my heart skip beats and sometimes increase its
speed to 200bpm (thats a really fast jazz tune).  However, its not
fatal and can be stopped quite easily.  I still slam coffee with
the best of them.  

Apparently the acid in coffee can eventually rot away your stomach
lining.  But just as too much milk and milk products can form
calcium deposits, its really not something I worry about.  There
are always prices to pay when over-indulging.  However, if you do
worry, then don't drink so much damn coffee!

In theory even if you're a pretty sane and well-grounded person,
you could drink enough coffee and caffeine beverages that you could
really burn yourself out.  I've noticed that my whole personality
changed when I discovered coffee.  Now i'm pretty frayed but I also
work twice as much and am more directed.  The transition might be
a little too hard to handle and you might find yourself completely
incapable.  I've known a few caffeine burnouts that have
absoulutely no excitement emotion left.  But they weren't too smart
either.
 
Other random (and WAY scattered) thoughts...
--------------------------------------------

Alot of the problem with mass consumption of caffeine is the
paranoia you experience.  I'd say that if you were crazy-high on
coffee and someone was out to kill you that about 90% of the
paranoia came from the caffeine.  When you find yourself slipping,
have a SOBER friend slap some reality back into you.  

The worst thing about caffeine is the coming-down phase.  The way
I eliminate this phase is to DRINK MORE!  If you can't take it,
then remember its all a psychosis.

So you say you want to quit drinking coffee?  Well go talk to
someone else about that you traitor.

Talking shit:  This affliction is especially prominent when you're
crazy-wasted on your favorite beverage.  If you find yourself doing
it (and you don't like it) then all I can say is either try to stop
or deal with it.  Great advice, huh?

Rambling endlessly about ten million things at once:  My OLD
friends used to hate it when I did this.  I resolved this situation
by finding REAL friends.  A good friend is a friend that drinks
coffee with you.  I recommend trying to capture your craziness
whether its on tape or on paper or on disk.  I also recommend
sending me your product.

Keeping focused:  When wasted on aforementioned beverage, sometimes
its hard to even stop and tie your shoes.  After several years of
caffeine training, you should be able to direct your anxiety.  Its
not an overnight job by any means.

Bad habits:  Bad habits are accentuated by lots of coffee. 
Nosepicking, nail biting, and thumb sucking especially.  If your
bad habit is, oh, cutting yourself with a razor blade then I
recommend limiting your coffee intake.

Shit coffee:  Also known as "major debris". Shit coffee would be
Maxwell House, Yuban, Sanka (oh shit!), Taster's Choice, and all
that other store bought crap.  All that crap coffee is the dried-up
remnants of the good stuff.  This "debris" always tastes like shit
and increases your chances of problems.  The only debris that I
will drink is Chock Full O' Nuts, but only if there's no other
choice.  I know the gourmet coffee is expensive, but its worth it.

Decaffeinated Coffee:  I'm not even going to get into the politics
of decaf.  "Decaf" and "coffee" are two completely different
entities.


Play it safe:  If you have any sort of problems, whatever the
symptoms may be, go to a doctor already!  There's only so much you
can blame on coffee, and you might have some other non-related
condition.

Coffee with cigarettes:  What can I say?  The best combination in
the world.  It also makes it harder to tell which one messes you up
more.  I believe that they contribute equally to the cause.  Just
so you know, nicotine also decreases blood circulation and
appetite.


Statistics:
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1) I drank approximately five cups of coffee while writing this.
2) It took me an hour to write this.
3) I only freaked out once.
4) My hands got pretty cold.
5) I went downstairs to get another cup and I forgot what I wanted.
6) I pondered how many contradictions I wrote in this article but
I was too lazy to correct them.

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