281 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
281 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛ
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ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ
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ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ
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ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ
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ÛÛÛÛÛ AbraxasÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ
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ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ
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ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ
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ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ Û Û ÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ
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ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ Û #12 Û ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ
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ÛÛÛÛ Û Û ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ
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ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛ
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(Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while
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you could miss it.)
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Hey dudes. It's been awhile since we (I) released anything, so I thought I'd
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tide you over with this sordid tale of teenage rebellion. This was originally
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a mail addressed to my pal Slick Eddie, so that's why it's written assuming
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you know what the places are. Umm. Willowbrook's a mall, just so that you
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know. I also wrote the mail while coming down from my cheap high, so pardon
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my wicked writing style. Oh yeah. Visit the damned Vomit web page.
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(HTTP://www.gti.net/vomit) It's really rad. You're not our friend unless you
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visit it. Stay tuned for more incredibly thought-provoking stuff after this
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tale. It all took place on September 6th (The day after my birthday! Whoo!!!
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In case you care, I turned 17. And I guess it's time I told you bums my real
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name.... It's Bryan, you nosy sonuvabitch.)
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It went down like this, homey. I was my 'puter last night around ten when
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Nekkid Johnny called. So the first thing I says is "Say you're sorry!" (I was
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referring to him not showing up at my party, even though he said he would
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go.) So he apologizes, and then he says "We're cutting tomorrow." And you
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know how us humans are. My left brain immediately said "Nuh-uh! No way! No
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how!". But I was intrigued, so I moved to the phone in my room. Well, he
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wanted me to wait by Boonton field. "No can do, Johnny," I replied. So I
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asked him if he knew about Meadtown, since me and Russ man always stop there
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for bagels. He didn't know (of course). So I gave him directions. I had him
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repeat them over and over again. I had them write them down in triplicate. I
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gave him alternate routes. I did this all as a precaution for his horrible
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sense of direction. Well, we ironed out the kinks (as best we could), and the
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plan was for him to meet me by the blockbuster in Meadtown around 8. So I
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went to bed that night. I awoke, eagerly anticipating the coming day of
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decadence. I called Russ man, and Russ said that Ginger might tell on me. God
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damned bitch always has to ride with us. I thought she wasn't the
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tattle-type. Anyway, Russ, being the good friend that he is, came to pick me
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up early, and drove me to Meadtown, and then went back home to get his
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fat-ass sister. What a pal. He told Ginger that I was sick today, and that he
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brought over some Bruce Lee tapes for me to watch while I was sick. Well, I
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had about an hour to kill, 'cause Nekkid couldn't leave his house until 7:30
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otherwise his parents would be suspicious. So I went into the oh-so-clean
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woods behind Butler Bowl. I sat on a rock, and read my Trigonometry book. (I
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had put it in my book bag just in case.) Oh yeah, I had packed some bang
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snaps, Gatorade, dextromethorphan, and Dramamines. And money too. Oh yeah,
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and some candy. Well I was reading my trig book, and I got bored, so I
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explored the little woods they got back there. Then around 7:30 I went to
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Blockbuster. I was muy nervioso porque there were lots of people going in an
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out of Meadtown, and any of them could've been a member of the enemies'
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party. I even saw a cop car! GASP! One dude looked like Mr. Waite, so I was
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a-scared. So I waited, and around 8 I got anxious. I never really thought that
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Nekkid would find me. Finally he did, and I was elated. He didn't get lost at
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all! Whoo! So I got in his car, and popped one Dramamine and 6
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dextromethorphans. He commented on my pussyness of doing over-the-counter
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drugs, and also claimed his disbelief that they actually 'cause a trip. Well,
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we stopped for gas at the getty, and I had to pay 5 dollars! BOO HOO! HE
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bought some cigarettes in da Getty. He commented on their low low price. We
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decided to go to Willowbrook. WHOO! Of course we got lost on the way there,
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and made several U turns, covering the same stretch of Highway about three
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times, listening to Metallica the whole time. We didn't care. We're
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rebellious kids. We dunno where we goin' and we don't care. Oh yeah, to wash
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down the pills, I drank a bottle of Gatorade, and ate a solitary blueberry
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bagel. Well, we get to Willowbrook, and we decide to wait in the parking lot
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and smoke, as us cool teenagers do. I said I was in no mood to smoke. I felt
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nauseous. He said that cigarettes help your tummy feel better. I disagreed.
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Well, suddenly I vomited all over the parking lot. Green spew! Green from the
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Gatorade! The most bestest color that vomit can be! GREEN! It was so
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undigested that it didn't even taste bad. Well, about 30 seconds later, I
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hurled again. Johnny is just saying "Feels good, don't it?". Then came a
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final hurl, and that brought up the bagel. Well, I immediately felt better,
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and made a mental note to have my stomach more filled next time I took some
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dextromethorphan. I was pissed that now my high was ruined. Well it wasn't
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completely. Some had already gotten into my system. So I was my
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uncharacteristic out-going devil-may-care without-a-worry-in-the-world
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talk-to-complete-stranger self. So we go into Willowbrook, and it was so
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awesome how empty it was. The Food court had NOBODY in it. John took a whiz.
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I was high. I don't care! BLARGH! Well, we walked around, and most of the
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stores had those little gates on them. So we went to Friendly's. I had a
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tough time verbalizing my order to the kindly old lady. I believe I used the
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word "Whatever" to substitute words that I couldn't think of. God! GAG ME!
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I'm totally Generation X-er now! Ok, so we eats our breakfast, and go to the
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stores, which were now open. While eating breakfast, I talked loudly about
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how he was gonna steal me a birthday present. "Shut the fuck up, stupid!" "Oh
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yeah. huhuhuhuhuh. I'm high." So we eat our breakfast, and walk around the
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mall. I'm singing and my head is held high. I'm on drugs! I'm happy! So we
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went to this shitty music store the size of a closet and with the music
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selection of a five year old girl's tape rack. I had a black bookbag on. So I
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guess I looked like a Billy Badass. So the fucker working there takes a CD,
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and runs it through the entrance. And a beeping went off. "See that, guys? It
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works" Asshole. Prick. PRICK! Just 'cause 99% of my generation are a bunch
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of fuck-up petty thieves gives you no right to demean us! YEAH! I was high,
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so I didn't know what was going on.
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============================================================================
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*****Note: If I wasn't intoxicated, I would've responded to this chap in a
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very cool manner. After he said "See that, guys? It works!" I would've pulled
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out my gun and said "This works too. Up against the wall, motherfucker!"****
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==========================================================================
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The escalators were fun to ride while high. Well, we went to KayBee, and John
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was playing Play Station for five seconds, and this guy comes up to us, and
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says "You have to be 18 to be here." I was high. I wasn't paying attention. I
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was just grinning stupidly.
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So John had to talk. "Excuse me?" "You have to be 18 to be here on a school
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day." "We're 19." "Uh-huh." Well, the fucker moved five feet away, and just
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stared at us, so John quit playing Playstation, walked past and said "School
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starts next week." Damn. I was high and I realized he'd fucked up.
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19-year-olds don't go to public school, stupid. Unless they're hoodlums.
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===========================================================================
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*****Another note: If I had been my witty self after the all-powerful
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stock-boy said "You have to be 18 to be here" I would've said "Why? Are there
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strippers?"*****
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===========================================================================
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Well, we walked to the midsection of the store, and then we both decided to
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get the fuck out. We had had enough of the mall and it's oh-so-mean
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anti-teenage laws. It was still cool how empty it was. So we went to Fun &
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Games. We were the only ones in there. This is around 10 AM. So John blows
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like 3 bucks playing Marvel Comic superheros or something. He sucked. I
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didn't play any games. I don't think 50 cents a game is very fair,
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knowwhatImean? 'Sides, I need to save my quarters for whores. And the guys
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there didn't bother us. They even gave John change. No questions about what
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us youngins were doing there when we should be in school. So we go outside,
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and smoke. John taught me how to inhale. Start out by inhaling just a teeny
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amount of smoke, and build up. I was so proud of my self for finally being
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able to inhale a cigarette. I just smoke socially. Her her her. We went to
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his car, smoked some more. I looked at my puke that was still festering on
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the pavement. I through some bang snaps in it, hoping my puke would be
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flammable and explode when the bang snaps hit. It did not. I was so gone. The
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first time I had really introduced nicotine into my system, and some
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dextromethorphan. I was a regular wacky-ass. Then we drove. John just wanted
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to drive. So we drove a lot. Made it almost all the way to hackettstown. Then
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we drove back to Montville. We stopped at this awesome CD store. The guy
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there must be stealing boxes of CD's. They're so goddamned cheap. No CD
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higher than $9.99. Even brand new releases. His selection wasn't all that
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good. Wasn't all that good for the average punk-wannabe poseur hip-hop teen,
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that is.
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Perfect for me. Tons of 80's metal and rock. YEAH! I ended up buying 5 cd's
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for $26. And the guy also gave us free tapes of some local band. We listened
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to that in the car. WHOOO! Then we drove some more. I didn't care. I'm high.
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I don't care what we do. BLAH! John showed me his old neighborhood in
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Boonton, and his old house. Then he says he has to bring me back home early
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'cause he can't drive past his school to get to his house when football
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practice is going on. The whole reason he cut today was because for some
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reason that I didn't understand, he couldn't go to football practice today,
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and the only way out is if you don't go to school. So He dropped me off in
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some woods near my house. I sat around for a while. Contemplating my course
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of action. If it started to rain, I was fucked, 'cause then my mommy would go
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down the street in the car to pick me up from the bus stop. Well, I went to
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some woods real close to my yard, and hid behind some of my dad's shit in the
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yard to scope the place out. See if I could hear my mom sobbing and my dad
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yelling "Just wait 'till that lil' bastard gets home!" But I didn't hear
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that. Oh good. So I had about an hour to kill before I could go in. Well, my
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mom is home, obviously. Suddenly my dad pulls into the driveway. This is not
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a good sign. I'm figuring my mom called him saying "Bryan's not at school!
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WAAAAAH!!!!". But ya know, sometimes he just comes home from work when he
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feels like it. So it started drizzling. And then stopping. then starting. I'm
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praying that there's not a downpour, otherwise my mom will go pick me up.
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Well, I finally went through the woods to my bus stop, and hid, waiting for
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my bus to come and drop off a girl who lives on my street. I spent the time
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picking off burs from the woods, and hiding my drugs and cig in my undies in
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case I went home and my parents looked through my bag. They would never
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search the undies, man! And I ate some juicefuls to make my breath fruity.
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Then the bus came, and the girl gets off. So I go up behind her and walk. She
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must've been having the strangest thoughts. "Wait a minute! He wasn't at
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school! He wasn't on the bus! I didn't see him get off! How the fuck did he
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get there?" Well, I walked to my house and was a bit nervous. This was the
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moment of truth. To see if I had gotten away with it. Well, I got to the door
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and momma was there to greet me with a smile. YAY! I DID IT! WHOOO!!! So
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that's how my cut went. THE END.
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And that's the end of the story folks. I forgot to include this really cool
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part when I originally wrote it, so I'll let you know now. At one point in
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Me and Nekkid Johnny's quest, Johnny started hitting light blue garbage cans
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on the side of the road with his volvo. He did this because "I don't like
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that color." And if you're really one nosy sonuvabitch, I'll tell you what
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five CD's I bought:
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1. Aerosmith's Greatest Hits (Dream on! Dream on! DREAM ON!)
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2. Use Your Illusion I & II (Well, he gets it.)
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3. Ugly Kid Joe: As Ugly As They Wanna Be (I hate everything about you.)
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5. Motley Crue: Dr. Feelgood (He makes me feel alright.)
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There you go. As you can see I have awesome music tastes. I still dunno how
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he sells them so cheap, but Use Your Illusion I's little booklet was wrinkly
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and crusty. I think it was jizzed on.
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Up next in this issue of crap is one rather interesting fan letter that I got
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here at the Vomit offices. (That's eighties@gti.net)
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Subject: Great page Guys
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Dear Vomit Head Writer,
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I have read your magazine and I LOVE IT! Your Web page is great
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too...Make sure to update it often. Let me introduce myself. My name
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is Kate and I live in Buffalo New York. I am 5'9, Brown Hair, and Blue
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eyes. I am really dying to meet you. I am no beauty but I can assure
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you that I am not anyway ugly. I have gone out with plenty of guys. I
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am the type of girl who weights personality much greater than looks. I
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am pretty slim at 120 and I consider my self pretty full at top. (36 C
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to be exact) ;) I am not afraid to experiment and would really love to
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meet you sometime. I don't know where you live but make sure to write
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back and tell me.
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Anyway, to explain myself further, I consider myself very free. I am
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the type of girl who hardly ever wears Bra's and I would rather would
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walk around naked than with clothes. The clothes I do wear are skimpy
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and very revealing, not because I am a slut, but because I enjoy having
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nothing on. I feel if you have the goods why not show them off. Wow. I
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am getting really horny writing this message. I don't know how to
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explain it but something about your writing really intrigues me. I,
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myself, enjoying reading and writing short stories; however your writing
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is something special. Your witty and dry sense of humor is very
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entertaining.
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God, I am actually getting wet writing this. My heart is starting to
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beat rapidly. As I write this I am naked. My computer is up in my room
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and no one is home so I often sit at my computer naked. I love the feel
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of the cool seat pressed against my cunt. Do you masturbate? I do.
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Often times I sit at my computer and gingerly caress my outer vaginal
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region just to get some slight pleasure. And sometimes I venture inside
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and jam my fingers straight up my cunt. I usually get really into the
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whole thing--I can be seen bucking up and down on the chair. My tight
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ass lands hard on the chair in rapid succession. My whole upper body,
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including my hard and large breasts, arch forward like a Olympic Diver
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making a entrance into the water. My breasts press hard against my
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chin and I love sucking on them while masturbating.
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Wow I am really getting into this. Anyway please write back! As you can
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see I am a very entertaing, smart, and free person...Just like you!
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Kate
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Well, Kate, thanks for this lovely letter. It really gave me a rise. Well,
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now to answer your questions:
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****I live in Kinnelon, NJ.
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****"Do you masturbate?" Only on Sundays, just to piss God off.
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That wraps up this issue, dudes. One plea to our male readers: Please do not
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masturbate while reading Kate's letter. It would make me feel really dirty,
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and make writing future issues very difficult for me.
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VOMIT Index
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Vomit 1...............................................................Intro
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Vomit 2.................................... Part 1 of "Quest of the K-rads"
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Vomit 3........................................................Masturbation
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Vomit 4..........................................................The Smurfs
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Vomit 5...........................................Ozzy visits Sesame Street
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Vomit 6........................................................John Is Dead
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Vomit 7...........................................................My Sheets
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Vomit 8........................Michael Jerome Vioreanu: A Study in Loserdom
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Vomit 9.........................Tighty-whities & Useless trivia about Vomit
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Vomit 10...........................A Guide To Annoying People In Chat Rooms
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Vomit 11...........................................More of Biafra's Dribble
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Vomit 12....................................................Bryan's Day Off
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Shotgun blues. Shotgun blues.
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VOMIT Information
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HTTP://www.gti.net/vomit
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Hate us? Dislike us? Indifferent? We wanna know! Write us!
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Warning: Abraxas is a trained Dextromethorphan and Dramamine abuser. Do not
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take these drugs unless you have the proper knowledge of dosages
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and ingredients. Don't be a loser like Abraxas. Don't take drugs.
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Write Abraxas(Bryan): eighties@gti.net
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Write Biafra: biafra@gti.net
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Attention ASCII artists: For the love of God, please send us a new ASCII
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of our name
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Wanna join vomit? Send something you've written to Abraxas.
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