203 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
203 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ
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ÛÛÛ Abraxas Û ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ Û Û ÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ Û ÛÛ Û
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ÛÛÛ Û Û Û ÛÛ Û Û ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ
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ÛÛÛ Û Û #10 Û ÛÛ Û Û ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ
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ÛÛÛ Û Û Û ÛÛ Û ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ
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ÛÛÛ Û ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛ
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ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛ
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(GET OUT LAMER!!!!!111!)
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============================================================================
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First, some local news before we get into this issue.Well,the Vomit homepage
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is open! Yay!!! Go visit it! It's fun! You run! You slide! You hit the bump,
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and take a dive! The address is http://www.gti.net/vomit Another wickedly
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cool development is that I got my own e-mail address for you to harass me
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at!
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All wishing to send me death threats are more than welcome to at
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eighties@gti.net Drop me a line! Send me a bomb! Whooo!!! And of course you
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can mail my tag-along at biafra@gti.net Yeah. And if you think you've got
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what it takes to be a vomit writer, and are willing to donate 6954 hours a
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week to vomit service, e-mail me some of your material, and then I shall
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decide if you are worthy to serve under me. Yeah! It's the first
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double-digit issue! Celebrate good times!
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============================================================================
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Hello there Vomit fans, all three of you. I'm gonna use this
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installment to tell you how to become the center of attention in chat rooms.
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I know a lot of you have problems getting noticed in chat rooms, and barely
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ever get talked to. Well, your buddy Abraxas is gonna help you out. See, I
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always get noticed and become the center of attention in every chat room
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that I go in simply because I'm so cool, witty, and funny. After reading
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this, you can become the center of attention in every room you go in, just
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like me! Yay!
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I normally do these things in AOL chat rooms because these people are
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sub-human, and it's so much fun to play with their little minds, but you can
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use these methods in any chat room on any service.
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Lesson #1: The Introduction
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===========================
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OK. It's like, you never get a second chance to make a first impression, or
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something, so give this your best shot. What I like to do for an
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introduction is go into a room and type this "16/M/NJ 4'5" 320 pounds. Lots
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of back hair. Ladies IM me." Now, this one is mine. You can't have it. Make
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your own up. Be creative. EG "16/F/PR 3'2" 467 pounds. Flat hairy chest. Hot
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guys IM me." Keep it short and surly. OK, after typing this, you will
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instantly get half of the room talking to you saying such things as "Fat
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ass!" "Eww!!" "You're gross!" "I feel sorry for you!" "What the hell do you
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eat?!" "You're fat!" "You're short!" "You're fat AND short!"
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Lesson #2: General Conversation
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===============================
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Alrighty. Now you've got half the room's attention. Don't stop now. You're
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almost there on your quest to get the entire room to hate you. Never go for
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longer than 30 seconds without typing something. If the 30 seconds is almost
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up and you can't think of something to type, just type anything that makes
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no sense. This is important. If it makes sense you'll appear normal, and we
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DO NOT want this. Examples: "I've got magic legs!" "T-U-R-T-L-E Power!" "We
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need Megazord power NOW!" "I lost my third testicle testicle in 'Nam." It
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helps if you're drunk. These random comments will get others to join the
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hate-group against you. They'll respond with things like "Forrest Gump
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sucks!" "Turtles are for lamers!" "My stupid brother likes POwer Rangers so
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you must be stupid" "That's not funny! My Uncle died in Vietnam!"
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OK. Now you've got 75% of the room against you, and the rest are
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mildly annoyed. This is when you've got to give it your best shot. You've
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got the eye of the tiger. OK, common conversation in these rooms have to do
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with music, and sports. There's something very funny and cool that you must
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do when someone starts talking about a band, or a sports team.
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Example: "Smashing Pumpkins rule!!!!"
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Now, you respond with this "Holy shit! I just heard on the news that Billy
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Corgan just died!!!" This really pisses people off. Of course it doesn't
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have to be Smashing Pumpkins. It can be any group. If you don't know the
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lead singer's name simply say "The lead singer of (Insert group here)
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just died!" Now the people get even madder. Some will still be calling you
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"fat ass" from your orginal comment. OK. Now that you've said Billy Corgan
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is dead people are going to say "Bullshit! Uhh. How did he supposedly die?"
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At this point you have to respond with something creative, but believable.
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What I commonly say is "He was washing his bathroom and he mixed chlorine
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and ammonia, which any fool knows makes a poisonous gas." Now some of the
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people will actually believe you. They'll start asking more questions about
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the "death". "Where'd you hear it from?" "MTV News! Where you hear it
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first!" Just respond with believable answers. Then start wailing "Why does
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God always take the good musicians?! WHY?!" Also do this little death bit
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when talking about sports teams.
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Example: "The Bulls rule!" "Oh my god! I just heard on ESPN that the Bulls'
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plane just crashed, killing everyone on board!"
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This will piss off more people.
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From time to time you also re-type your original comment. Every time
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a new person comes into the room you must tell them your stats. Also type it
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when someone does an age/sex check. 16/M/NJ 4'5" 320 pounds! Ladies IM me!.
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This will get the new people to hate you. You must taint this new blood as
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soon as they come in. It will also annoy people if you continually do this.
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"We know you're a fucking fat ass! Now shut the fuck up, or I'll kick your
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ass!" Be sure to talk about how fat you are, and tells stories about your
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fattiness. I like to tell the story about the time I was kicked out of
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fat-kid camp for eating all the food. (Borrowed from Goonies.) I also tell
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about the time that I went swimming in a neighbor's pool and I dispersed
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all the water and flooded their yard. Or even the time that I was taking a
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bath, and I shattered the tub. "You are a pathetic fat ass!" Tell other
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stories too, like the time that you got crabs, or the time you got locked in
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the basement for a week. "I had to eat my own leg to say alive!!!" The more
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irrelevant the story is the better.
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Another fun things to do is to say "80's kick ass!" This gets all
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those cool teenagers to say "80's suck! 90's rule!" Or the truly stupid say
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"60's rule!" Those little bastards were born 15 years after the sixties.
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Little poseurs. Anyway, after you've said that the 80's rule, type the
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lyrics to any popular 80's songs that you know. Example: "We've got to hold
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on to what we've got. It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not!
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We've got each other and that's a lot for love! We'll give it a shot! Whoa!
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We're halfway there. Whoa! Livin' on a prayer! Take my hand, we'll make I
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swear. Whoa! Livin' on a prayer!" or "Ooo Baby do you know what that's
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worth? Ooo heaven is a place on Earth! They say in heaven love comes first.
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Let's make heaven a place on Earth!" or "When the working day is done oh
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girls just wanna have fun! Oh girls! They wanna have fun!" or "We got the
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beat. We got the beat we got the beat! Yeah! We've got it!" Of course they
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don't have to be 80's songs. Just make sure that it's a song from a CD that
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any sane person would be embarassed to say that they own. Example: "The
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things. You say. Your purple prose just gives you away. The things you say.
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You're unbelievable!" or "I don't want anybody else. When I think about you
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I touch myself." Of course everyone hates EMF and the Divinyls. All the
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better for you. You can even make up your own songs. "I'm too sexy for my
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pentium. Too sexy for my pentium." If you really REALLY want everyone to
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hate you, type New Kids On The Block lyrics. "Whoaaaaaaa. Hangin' Tough."
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Lesson #3 Escuchas las senales. Dealing with insults.
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=====================================================
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During your little typing spree you will be hit with a barage of instults
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from the humor-impaired. Here is how you deal with this. Simply say shit
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like "I'll sit on you!" "I'll crush you between my ass-cheeks!" If someone
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gets really annoying with their insults, like "You have no dick, loser!",
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then you say "If you're so tough I dare you to call me. I'll even pay for
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it. My number is 201-984-2820." Put in the number of anyone that you hate.
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(The number I gave is the number of this faggot-ass kid that I know who
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lives in Morristown NJ. If this number is local to anyone I urge you to call
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it day and night. The kid's name is Billy Barclay.) Another thing to do when
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someone insults you is to simply insult yourself in reponse, or respond with
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something that completely messes up their theory. Example: "YOu have no
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dick!" "As a matter of fact, I have eighteen of them. I once fucked every
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member of my school's National Honor Society simultaneously." or "You're
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right. I lost it in 'Nam!" When lots of people start insulting you, and they
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will, say shit like "Please stop. You're hurting my feelings." Then say "I'm
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going to shoot myself!! I swear!" Then stop typing for three minutes. See
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how happy everyone becomes now that you're dead. After three minutes, come
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back on saying "Holy shit! I just woke up! I'm still alive! The fat blocked
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the bullets!" or "I'm still alive! The bullet holes just closed up! I'm Eric
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Draven!! Yeah!!! It's not a good day to be a bad guy, huh Skank?"
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Lesson #4 Must learn balance, Daniel-san! Leaving the room.
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===========================================================
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When you finally decide that you've pissed off everyone, and it's losing its
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fun it's time to leave. In leaving, you can either do the killing yourself
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thing, but just never "wake up". Or you can simply say. "I gotta go
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masturbate and eat corn chips now! Leave me fan or hate mail!" You just
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wait. You will actually get hate mail. Hey, it's better than no mail.
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Lesson #5 Miscellaneous Information
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===================================
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Scrolling is bad, and a very uncreative way to annoy people. It annoys even
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the coolest people, so don't do it. It's much more fun to annoy people with
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song lyrics, stories, your fat-ass, and killing yourself. Another thing that
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annoys people is when you put a Vomit issue in their mailbox. When I do this
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I get responses like "you suck man" "What the fuck is this?" Another fun
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thing to do in AOL chat rooms is to get rid of people who like rap, or other
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groups of people that you automatically hate. To get rid of people who I
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don't think deserve to live, I go into rooms and say "Press Control and L
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at the same time if you like rap!!!" Pressing CTRL-L sends these schmucks
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into the lobby. Other things like "If you think Clinton deserves re-election
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press ctrl L for my survey!" are also cool.
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Epilogue
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========
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Do these things and others to annoy people. If you find other cool ways to
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annoy people, e-mail me eighties@gti.net This text has just been a
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guideline. Feel free to play around with the guideline. Add shit. Take shit
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away. Whatever. It's your own little world. Have fun annoying everyone.
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VOMIT Index
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Vomit 1...............................................................Intro
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Vomit 2.................................... Part 1 of "Quest of the K-rads"
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Vomit 3........................................................Masturbation
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Vomit 4..........................................................The Smurfs
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Vomit 5...........................................Ozzy visits Sesame Street
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Vomit 6........................................................John Is Dead
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Vomit 7...........................................................My Sheets
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Vomit 8........................Michael Jerome Vioreanu: A Study in Loserdom
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Vomit 9.........................Tighty-whities & Useless trivia about Vomit
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Vomit 10...........................A Guide To Annoying People In Chat Rooms
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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No one likes you! Get out!!! Go on a diet!
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