125 lines
5.1 KiB
Plaintext
125 lines
5.1 KiB
Plaintext
[[[[[ Abraxas ]] [[[]]]] [[[[[ ]]]]] [[[[[]]]]] [[[[[]]]]]
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[[ [[ ]] [ [ ] ] [[[ ]]] [] [[ [] ]]
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[[ [[ ]] [ [ # ] ] [[ [[]] ]] [] []
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[[ ]] [ [ 5 ] ] [[ [] ]] [] []
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[[ ]] [ [ ] ] [[ ]] [] []
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[] [[[[]]] [[[[ ]]]] [[[[[]]]]] []
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(Brought to you by the letter "F"!)
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==============================================================================
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I like to watch tv. This is why I'm so uncreative. Anyway, one of my
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favorite shows is Sesame Street. On Sesame Street they often have celebrity
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guests. Most of the time kids don't know who these guests are, but they are
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invited to the show to provide some appeal for parents. The have some where
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basketball players come on and tell kids to believe in themselves, or a
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famous singer sings a song about the number 11. It's the celebrity singing
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guests that I'd like to talk about today.
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Imagine if Ozzy Osbourne was invited to the show? Can you say "ratings
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dive"? Can't you just imagine him with a group of little kids around him?
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"Hullo all you fuckin' little maggots. I was drunk off my ass wandering
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around New York when I stumbled upon this sorry-ass street that you little
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bastards call home." He would scare those poor kids to death.
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"We wanna to have fun, Ozzy!"
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"You want fun, you little fuckers? I'll give you some fun! Meet my friend
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heroin!"
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"Drugs are bad!!"
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"Drugs are bad, you say? Fine, you fuckers are never satisfied. I guess I
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could show you all the scars on my inner elbow."
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"Wow, where'd you get them, Ozzy?" <Ozzy smacks the kid over the head>
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"You'll call me 'Mister Osbourne'" you little shit wad. I got them from
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injecting my friend heroin."
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<One kid notices Ozzy's nostrils are all red.>
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"What's wrong with your nose, Mister Osbourne?"
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"It's from snorting cocaine, you little bitch."
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"We wanna learn something!"
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"You wanna learn something, you little dipshits?! You wanna learn something?!"
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"YEAH!"
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"Fine. I'll teach you about the number 2." <Ozzy gets up, turns around, and
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pulls down his pants, mooning all the poor kids.> "See? Two cheeks! Two cheeks
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on my ass! " <Ozzy then shits on one kid's head> "And shit is sometimes called
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'number two'!" <Ozzy pulls his pants back up, and sits back down>
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"I saw your hiney! I saw your hiney!"
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"Damned fuckin' right you saw my hiney, dumb-ass."
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<Suddenly Elmo comes walking along>
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Elmo: Elmo say hi to the burnout! <Ozzy grabs Elmo by the neck>
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Ozzy: Burnout?! Burnout?!
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Elmo: Elmo sorry! Let Elmo down!
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Ozzy: Apologies are for pussies. (He then bites off Elmo's head, and throws
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Elmo's carcass aside. The kids are scared shitless.)
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Kids: You killed Elmo! <sob> <sob>
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Ozzy: A man needs his red meat! Shut the fuck up! <Kids began crying more> Aww
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for fuck's sake, don't fuckin' cry on me. If Ozzy sings you a song will you
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all shut the fuck up?
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Kids: Yeah! Sing! Sing! (Ozzy pulls out a microphone and begins singing "War
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Pigs" a song about people being nuked, and satan. The kids begin crying even
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more) We wanna hear a different song! This song is scary!
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Ozzy: Scary?! Scary?! You wanna see scary?!
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Kid 1: No! We already saw your hiney! (Ozzy smacks the kid who said this)
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Kids: Sing an alphabet song!
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Ozzy: A motherfuckin' alphabet song is what you want? Fine! (Ozzy begins
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singing his song) A is for asshole. Which you are all to me. B is for
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bat-heads, tasty as can be! C is for cocaine. Pretty good shit, don't you see?
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D is for drugs, fun for everybody. F is for fuck, this word is the best.
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G is for gun. I shot Gordon in the chest. (Kids begin crying) H is for heroin.
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My very favorite drug. V is for Vomit. What a shameless plug. K is for klepto.
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Like my brand-new watch? It's also for kick, don't do that in my crotch. L is
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for LSD, another goodie of mine. M is for marijuana. Oo it tastes so fine.
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N is for NyQuil, best over-the-counter drug there is. O is for old fart, and
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that's all Ozzy is. P is for papa, he beat me everyday. Q is for queer.
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Persecute anyone that is gay. R is for Rehab, it's not fun at all. Buy all
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my albums at Sam Goody in the mall. S is for Satan. My master rules
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everything. T is for tooth-mark. Where'd I learn to sing? U is for up yours.
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Up yours, kids!
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Kid 2: You skipped some letters.
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Ozzy: I skipped grammar school too. What's your point?
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Kids: You are a mean man!
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Ozzy: Fuck you.
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THE END
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VOMIT Index
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Vomit 1..................................................................Intro
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Vomit 2....................................... Part 1 of "Quest of the K-rads"
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Vomit 3...........................................................Masturbation
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Vomit 4.............................................................The Smurfs
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Vomit 5 .............................................Ozzy visits Sesame Street
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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I AM IRONMAN!!!!
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