324 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
324 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
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Underground eXperts United
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Presents...
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[ Second Coming, Limited ] [ By Freon ]
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____________________________________________________________________
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____________________________________________________________________
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----------------------
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Second Coming, Limited
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----------------------
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A silly, blasphemous ten-minute play about the never-ending struggle
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between good and incompetence.
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- Characters -
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JESUS A young to middle-aged man with a stylish beard and
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the traditional halo, dressed in an expensive white
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suit.
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LESTER Bald man in his forties. He wears a fairly old-
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fashioned black suit with a watch on a chain and
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has a thick cigar.
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GROUP A group of about five rich-looking businesspeople.
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The details of who's who in this group are not
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important. They look strikingly forgettable.
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GOD Obviously, having never seen this guy I can't really
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tell you what he looks like - but for the purposes
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of this play he's a light from above and a deep,
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loud, sinner-scaring voice.
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- Scene 1 (the only scene) -
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JESUS and the GROUP are sitting around a table. On the table
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are several glasses and jugs of water. JESUS is at
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one end, and at the other end, slightly back from the table
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itself, is LESTER. Behind LESTER is a whiteboard. We
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get the impression at the start of this scene that this
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meeting has been going on for quite a while and we've dropped
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in close to a critical point...Everyone is looking
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expectantly at JESUS. After a quiet pause of at least
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five seconds during which JESUS looks thoughtful but
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basically incredulous, he turns to one of the other people
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in the group nearby.
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JESUS (to the other member of the group) Could you pass me that water?
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LESTER looks impatient while JESUS is passed the water.
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JESUS pours himself a glass, which turns into wine as he
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does so*, and sips it a couple of times before he speaks
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again.
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JESUS (to LESTER) So basically what you're saying is if we're
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going to all the trouble of having a second coming, you'd
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like to cash in -
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LESTER (interrupting) - for all of us to benefit -
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JESUS - you'd like to cash in on it.
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LESTER Well, if you insist, yes - it is cashing in. But an opportunity
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like this won't come along for another couple of thousand years,
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most likely.
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JESUS Well, in the strictest confidence, it'll be longer than that,
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actually.
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LESTER So you see, there's no sense in letting this perfect opportunity
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go to waste!
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There is a pause, during which JESUS sips his wine. He
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drinks it quite quickly, as if it was still water almost.
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He finishes the glass and refills it, already looking
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a little under the influence.
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JESUS Don't you think you're all being just a little silly? This
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is the Second Coming; I'm Jesus Christ! Surely the whole
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business of making money out of my visit just trivializes
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things?
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LESTER I don't really see a contradiction between whatever it is
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you want to do with the Second Coming and what we want to
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do with it. You can still have your monumental events in
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the spiritual advancement of mankind, while we're pulling
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in a healthy profit. What is it exactly you have planned
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for the Second Coming anyway? Religious stuff?
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JESUS (smiling craftily and refilling his glass) Ah - yes, you
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could say that. What is it, exactly, that /you/ have planned?
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How are you going to make money out of it?
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LESTER Ah! Well, we were hoping you could perform a few miracles
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for us -
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JESUS World peace, raising the dead and excessive faith healing
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are out of the question, I'm afraid.
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LESTER Nothing like that! Water to wine, that kind of thing.
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Imagine what a bottle of Christ's Own Wine would fetch!
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We'd do it in small volume to save you time and keep the
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prices high, so it wouldn't hurt the - uh - conventional
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wine producers; it wouldn't hurt anyone. If you could do
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some loaves and fishes and feeding the starving stuff,
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we'd be in the running for tax-exempt Charity status.
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JESUS looks interested now (and fairly drunk).
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JESUS Hmm. Could you give me some specific examples of the kinds
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of Second Coming related services you'd be offering? Just
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so I know where I fit in, you know.
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LESTER Well, as I say, Second Coming Wine; genuinely miraculous
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alcoholic beverages would sell fantastically. You wouldn't
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have to do all the work, of course - we'd be producing
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Second Coming Wineglasses along with the other standard
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Second Coming memorabilia. I've also mentioned feeding the
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starving a little; you don't have to do that if you don't
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want to, but it would probably save us a fortune in taxes.
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Apart from that, we could mobilise our people and resources
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worldwide to open up Wash Jesus' Feet franchises all
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over the place; all you'd have to do is sit there and the
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money would start rolling in. Or Christ Forgives Franchises,
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where people come and drop in a donation and you just have
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to erase all their sins; no problem, eh? A tour of churches?
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The Catholics'll eat you up. You won't even have to do
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anything.
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JESUS Ah yes, the Catholics. They have a bit of a reputation for
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that.
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LESTER (laughs)
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JESUS And - Lord forgive me for asking - but how much money do we
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each stand to make out of this deal?
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LESTER Are you kidding? It's hard to name a figure - but if I did,
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it would be big. Not big like a mountain is big, but big like
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the universe is big, you know?
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JESUS Actually, it's not that big.
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LESTER What?
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JESUS The universe. Not that big. But I think I see what you're
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saying. The thing that bothers me is that - well, isn't
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it a little, I don't know, morally bankrupt? Commercialising
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the Second Coming like that?
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LESTER Why should you feel bad? They did it to your birthday.
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JESUS Hmm. You have a point. Pass me a little more of that
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water, would you? Thanks.
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There is a pause while JESUS refills his glass with wine
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from the water jug. His hands are a bit unsteady so this
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takes a while.
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JESUS But the Second Coming is important, you know? And anyway,
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what's the point in all of this?
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LESTER All of what?
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JESUS Trying to make money? I mean, you can't take it with you.
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LESTER Ah, well, no you can't - but I'm still young; I should have
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plenty of time on this Earth to make comfortable before I
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have to start thinking about leaving the material world
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behind, you know? It's all very well to try not to be too
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materialistic, but I have a family that I'd like to provide
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for.
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JESUS Hmm. Well, I've been keeping this under my hat so far, but -
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what if I was to tell you that - hmm - there might not be
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that much point in making money out of the Second Coming
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simply because of my reason for being here this time.
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LESTER I'm not sure I follow.
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JESUS Well, ah - how should I put this? Well, I suppose there's
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not a lot of point sugar-coating this, so I'll just be blunt.
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We're pretty rapidly approaching Judgement Day, I'm afraid.
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That's what I'm here for, really.
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There is a stunned silence.
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LESTER So the world's going to end?
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JESUS Well, technically - well, I suppose to all intents and purposes,
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yes.
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LESTER What was that, technically? Is there some way we can stop it?
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JESUS There's nothing you can do; I'm doing it for you! Mere humans
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basically don't have to do anything apart from sitting back
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and waiting. I say technically because there is some chance
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that the Devil will stop me saving mankind by leading me
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into temptation again.
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LESTER Again?
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JESUS (laughs nervously) Yes, that's kind of embarassing actually.
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I think we actually wrote that one up as a victory. Anyway,
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that's the deal I'm afraid. There's no point in what you're
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proposing really since it's all pretty much over.
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Everyone at the table is confused; they sit looking at each
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other and muttering. Eventually, everyone's attention is
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focussed on either JESUS or LESTER. LESTER is looking
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thoughtful but, on the whole, amused. JESUS is looking sort
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of apologetic. Obviously, he's not the most popular person
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at the table at this point. Revealing everyone's fast
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approaching doom is a bit of a mood killer. LESTER sits
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down.
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LESTER (suddenly excited) I have an idea! This doesn't have to be
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a waste of time!
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JESUS What is it?
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LESTER Could you put off the whole Judgement Day thing by choice?
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JESUS Well, not personally - but I could speak to my Dad about it.
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Why do you ask?
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LESTER Well, I was just thinking; right now, if we do Judgement Day,
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we have a lot of unrepentant sinners, right? (Jesus nods)
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What happens to them?
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JESUS Well, for want of a nicer way of putting it, they burn in
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hell for eternity.
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LESTER Aha! As I suspected. And most of these sinners are the rich
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and ambitious, are they not?
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JESUS You're not wrong.
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LESTER Well - what if we do what we planned to do - make a huge amount
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of money out of your visit? We open all those franchises,
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you perform us some miracles - and boom! The world's economy
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will collapse, and we'll all be set back a few hundred or
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thousand years. Then you can give us another thousand
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years or so to become good Christians before you do the
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Judgement thing, and everybody's happy.
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JESUS Hmm. What happens to all the money you make?
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LESTER Not important. If we play our cards right, this will destroy
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Capitalism and the money we make won't be worth anything - but
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for a change we'll have made the world a better place through
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marketing.
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JESUS Ah yes! I'm tempted...
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JESUS disappears in a puff of smoke. There's a strange light
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from above; effectively, this is GOD's entrance.
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GOD Oh for heaven's sake. You didn't last two weeks, boy. Well,
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never mind, eh? Back in another two thousand years.
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The light fades away and everyone around the table turns to
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LESTER in stunned silence. LESTER is grinning. He bows to
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the GROUP and walks towards the back of the stage, where
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flames** are dancing against the scenery.
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LESTER Another disaster averted...I suppose God'll write this one up
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as a point for himself anyway. Well, never mind. (he waves,
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but doesn't turn to look at the crowd; he just keeps walking,
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and continues:) Goodbye, you're welcome. And now, God owes
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me ten...
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LESTER walks offstage.
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---
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* TURNING WATER TO WINE
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Obviously, not everyone can borrow the Messiah to play himself
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so if you're putting this on, just use some kind of colouring
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that you can slip into the water to turn it red. Use your
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imagination; the audience has to get the idea that the water
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is turning into wine but really that just means it has to change
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colour.
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** FIRE IN THE BACKGROUND
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Obviously, not everyone's got hell itself backstage either
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so you'll probably have to fake it. Obviously, just wave
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orange/red/yellow lights at the wall, which should look like
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a wall from a normal office (you know, the crufy partitions
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with grey carpet stapled to them). Not only will this make
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it look like a real office, but the chances are, this is what
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hell looks like too (ask any interior designer).
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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uXu #601 Underground eXperts United 2002 uXu #601
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http://www.uXu.org/
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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