228 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
228 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
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########## ### ### ##########
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Underground eXperts United
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Presents...
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[ For Your Own Good ] [ By Joseph ]
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____________________________________________________________________
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____________________________________________________________________
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For Your Own Good
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by Joseph
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a four-zero-zero celebration file
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He smiled at the man sitting in the chair for visitors as he sat down on his
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couch. The kind of smile you know is not for real. It is used by teachers,
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bureaucrats and people you meet on the street. Its only purpose is to show
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you that they are not really interested in you, but will listen to you
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anyway.
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The doctor smiled again and looked straight at him.
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"How are we today Mr. J.?"
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"I'm feeling quite allright, doctor. Sorry I'm late."
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"It's ok, I had some journals to update anyway. Should we pick up where
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we stopped last week then?"
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"Sure, If I can remember what we were talking about. My memory doesn't
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work very good, as you already know. Sometimes I think that it is some
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kind of protection-mechanism."
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"Quite probable, quite probable. Well, we were talking about that visit
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your mother paid you a couple of weeks ago. She read some kind of article
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you wrote."
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"Ah, yes. It's all coming back to me now. Anyway, she came over to me to
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give me the vacuum-cleaner I had left at her place. Yes, she saw an article
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I had written for some magazine, 'uXu'. It was about democracy. I think
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that was just about as far as we came last time."
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"Yes, according to my journal too. So, tell me why you were so bothered
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with her talking about your article."
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"She didn't talk about it. She read it and then she said 'Son, you write
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good. In fact, I think your language is excellent. But why do you keep
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writing this stuff?' I was outraged. She didn't talk about it. She didn't
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want to know more about what I thought or what I had wanted with my
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article. She started to question my opinions and my, what should I call
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it, my ideology."
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"And that bothered you?"
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"Of course it fucking bothered me. If I'd been a fucking professor or one
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of the damn pseudo-debaters that write for the morning papers in order to
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keep the mob thinking that there was at least some kind of progress or
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debate - she wouldn't have questioned me like that. But now I was her
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son. So, although my arguments were in line and sparkling clear, she
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initiated yet another eternal rant about how fine democracy is, and how
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it would save us from all that is bad."
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"Ok, ok. Calm down. So, what did you write in that article that
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was so outraging to your mother then?"
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"I wrote that the schools should allow its pupils to study alternative
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forms of constitutions. In Sweden there's actually a law that says that
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all pupils must be raised to believe in the democratic system."
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"What is so bad about that? You don't want the children to be raised
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in a democratic manner, or?"
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"The bad thing is the fact that there is actually a law that says we
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must believe in one thing or another. Also, the schools don't offer any
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education in the alternatives to a democratic system. Sure, I want my
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kids to be raised with democratic values. But I don't want them to be
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raised to believe that they have to be lead by others. Even if they are
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the ones who vote for their leaders."
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"Hold it. Let's not get into some ideological discussion here. As I'm sure
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you understand there's a lot of other, more important, work we have to
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do."
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"I understand."
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"Let's try to see this from your mothers point of view. You know, I'm
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fond of the idea of 'glasses'. Every person has some kind of 'glasses'
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they put on. Some have blue shading, some have purple and some doesn't
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have any shading at all..."
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("I guess I'm one of them who doesn't have any at all, then.")
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"... understanding this, and being able to look at the world through
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different kind of glasses, gives you an advantage: you can put yourself
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in their position. And sometimes, perhaps, fully understand why they
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react and behave differently than yourself. Do you think you can try
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to see the world through your mother's 'glasses'?"
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"It's not necessary. I don't need that. That's not the problem. No matter
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what kind of glasses you wear there is actually something called 'hard
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facts'. It's a hard fact that I'm pissed off, it's a hard fact that
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there is too much stupidity around me. Always these voices, always this
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erratic behaviour. And as if that weren't enough. My head spins from the
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endless monologue inside. No matter what I do, there is always this
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voice. Arguing, telling me how things are, constructing sentences for
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a future article, asking me how I feel and what I need. Alcohol used
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to be the answer. But now, not even that can keep my voices quiet."
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"Yes, you know we've talked about that nasty alcohol habit you have
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developed. You know from your own experience how things can turn out
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later in life. Please, and I am saying this as a friend, be careful with
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that later."
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"Sure. Anyway, problem number one is the voices. They keep me from sleeping
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and eating. Problem number two is that I'm so fucking scared. No matter
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where I am, I'm always afraid. Worst thing that could happen to me is
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probably that the mother of my girlfriend died, or that some relative to
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her gets married. That would force me to go to either the funeral or the
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wedding. I hate that. I'm so afraid of it that my body shakes even when I
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think of it. I can't relate to them. The people that is. They scare me
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with their trivial small talk and formal apperance. And always this
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double standard: At first, they are always formal and pretend-to-be
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friendly. But after some strong liquor they get all that friendly and
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want to talk a lot about themselves. How can you trust them?"
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"I believe part of your problem is that you're unable to trust adults. You
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and I both know what that originates from. And I think that's probably
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one of your greatest problems. You have to learn how to trust people.
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Not just people the same age as you, but adults too."
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"I trust no one. No one has ever proven that they can be trusted. It's
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just a matter of time before they let me down. It doesn't have to be
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big time. But it always happens. Only a fool could deny that you will
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always, sooner or later, be deserted by the people you trust."
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"See, there's your problem. Right there. I guess you're often labelled
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pessimist?"
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"Yes. People who don't know me often calls me 'pessimist' or 'cynic'.
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That bothers me too. I'm not a pessimist. Maybe a cynic. But not a
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pessimist. It doesn't matter much what I say, I always hope for the
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best, but expect the worst. That doesn't qualify me as a pessimist.
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A pessimist is someone who always expects the worst and creates the
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kind of situations where this prophecy could come true. An optimist
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is the same, only difference is that he gets disappointed more often.
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People seem to think that they always can label people as one thing or
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the other. It's a vulgar thing to do, really."
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"Ok, for example, how do you see the future? Do you expect to be let
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down by other people? Do you think you'll always be this afraid?"
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"Sure, I would be damn fool not to think that I would always be afraid
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of people. Look around you! What do you see? Do you see people being
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nice around you all the time? After all these years - is it world peace
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yet? No, you can't see any of that. Because it's in the fucking human
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nature to only think of themselves! Of course I'm afraid. It's actually
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surprising to me that you, of all people, even dare to go outside. You
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probably get to see more evil, more twisted people and more sorrow than
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anyone else. How do you cope with that? How can YOU not be afraid?"
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"Oh, I guess I'm plain stupid or an optimist, I would say."
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"Same thing. So, of course I expect people to let me down. Of course
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I believe that the future won't be bright. It's not the ideologies that's
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wrong. All things being equal, they would work fine. It's the people
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whom believe in them. It's the egoists. Nothing to do. Give it up!
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Believe in yourself. Fifty years ago, people like you and me murdered
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six million people, due to a complete dedication to some ideology. You
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know, there is actually people out there who believe in God. Or elves or
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Satan or Tao. How can you not be afraid of that kind of people!?"
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"How about yourself. Do you consider yourself to be one of them,
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or do you see yourself as... how should I put it, enlightened?"
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"No, I would be enlightened if I knew what to do about it. I don't.
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I've given up. You could say I'm one of them - one of the resigned.
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The kind of people hated by everyone. Neither the so-called
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intellectuals nor the mob likes you. They all think you're a loser.
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The mob thinks you're a loser because 'if you don't fight for what you
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believe in, you haven't understood anything, thus - you're is stupid.'
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The intellectuals hate you because they think that if you don't submit
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to their raging against all stupidity, you probably consider yourself
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as too smart. And intellectuals are probably more jealous than the mob.
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Nothing gets an intellectual more upset than a person being smarter, or
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more intellectual than himself. But I'm not smart. I can't analyse
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society. I can't understand what exactly it is that dumb people
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misconceive. There's a lots of things I can't do. But mostly that depends
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on the situation I'm in right now. Ha ha! But I can, however, see that
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there is something wrong. Terribly wrong!"
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"Yes, well, it's for your own good. You know that don't you!?"
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"Yes, for my own good, it's for my own good! I won't hurt people.
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Like I would like to hurt them. Like I have hurt them. Like they like
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me to hurt them. How surprised they would be. How surprised they look.
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How surprised that bitch looked. Party! - good thing I know how to.
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Doesn't feel good. When they don't. Hahaha! Fuck you! Fuck all of you!"
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The doctor reached for the intercom.
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"Warden! Warden!! I need some assistance in room five. Pronto!"
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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uXu #400 Underground eXperts United 1997 uXu #400
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Call SOTH'S DOMAIN -> +1-401-463-8889
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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