179 lines
7.5 KiB
Plaintext
179 lines
7.5 KiB
Plaintext
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Underground eXperts United
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Presents...
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[ An Amazing Christmas Tale ] [ By The GNN ]
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____________________________________________________________________
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____________________________________________________________________
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"AN AMAZING CHRISTMAS TALE"
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by THE GNN/DualCrew-Shining/uXu
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(No, it is 'A amazing tale')
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(Fuck you, it is 'AN amazing tale')
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SUCKER! HA HA HAAA!
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It was Christmas evening. Pete was desperately trying to find his dads
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cars keys, which was obviously hidden somewhere in the house. His dad
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hated him for borrowing the car without asking. Pete had looked everywhere
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and now he had even crawled under his parents bed to look. The keys were
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not there. A lot of dust entered his already cocaine-stuffed nose.
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- Shit!
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He slammed the door to his parents bedroom shut and went downstairs. His
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mother stood by this years most distastefully decorated Christmas tree in
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the kitchen and looked depressed. She had a cigarette in her mouth and
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tried hard to light it with a blow torch, the only gift she had received
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during the evening (except for the pornographic video 'Black Butt Busters'
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("You need education my dear"))
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- Where is dad? Pete asked and looked around in paranoia.
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- Here, his mother answered without a sign of feelings.
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- Here? I cannot see him? Is he in the living room? I guess I will
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have to go there and...
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His mother pointed at the tree.
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- He is there.
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- In the tree?!
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Pete wondered for a short moment if his mother had stolen some of his
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magic mushrooms.
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- No, under it.
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She was right. His father lay under the tree, puking and coughing, a
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result after too much champagne and cigars.
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Pete bent down.
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- Eh... dad?
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- Grumble... hick... cough.
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- Dad, where are the car keys?
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- A thief! Hick! My car! A thief! Die!
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His father quickly stumbled to his feet and ran to the living room, where
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he grabbed a unopened gift. He quickly teared the package apart and
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grabbed the shotgun that was inside it. ("I bought it for personal
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defense").
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- Dad! Wait! It is me!
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- Thief! My car! Intruder! Die!
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Pete froze when his father aimed the gun at him. It was not everyday he
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stared into the barrel of a twelve gauge. Well, it happened now and then,
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but Pete had really excluded Christmas eve as a night for violence.
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Especially from his father.
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- Dad! It is me! You son!
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- Who cares? Merry Christmas and a happy new year!
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Pete's father pulled the trigger. Brain, blood and various other bodily
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objects spread all over the kitchen.
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- You have just shot your son, said Pete's mother.
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- Urp... well, you wanted him to move to another place. Now he can move
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to heaven and spend the rest of Christmas with Jesus. They can dance
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around... hick... the tree. Pete, Jesus and God. He will have more fun
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than we will ever have down here.
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- I am so glad. You are a genius.
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Pete's mother sounded quite ironic. They looked at each other with
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neutral faces. Pete's father placed the shot gun on the Christmas table
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and looked at his dead son.
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- I am so sorry... please forgive me.
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He kneeled in front of Pete's mother.
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- Please forgive me... what have I done? Blood everywhere! This is
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horrible, I have ruined your three days of cleaning!
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- Oh, that is nothing to worry about. Come on, give me a hug and we will
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forget all about it.
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She grabbed Pete's father and pulled him up. She laid her arms around
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him. A loud shot was heard. BOOM.
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- What the...
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Pete's father fell to the floor and landed on top of Pete. Blood squirted
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from the stomach.
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- Urgel... hick...
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- Goddamn! You stupid piece of man! Why do you carry your revolver in a
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shoulder holster on Christmas eve?
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- Cough... personal defense...
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*BREAK*
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How to succeed in life.
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1. Help fools to get rid of their money.
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2. Blame the victim.
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3. Tease adult men who weeps.
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*BREAK*
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Pete's father died. He looked quite annoyed when he, a couple of minutes
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later, was forced to dance with his son and Jesus and God around the tree
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in paradise. God just kept on singing shitty songs like "Jingle Bells" and
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"Silent night, holy night". On top of everything, God had dressed himself
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as Santa Claus. Pete's father wondered if Nietzsche was around. He would
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probably pay good money for the extermination of God.
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- I should have bought a pistol instead, Pete's father mumbled.
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God immediately stopped to dance. Jesus however continued and did not
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stop until he crashed into Pete's wide open gun shot hole. God stared at
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Pete's father.
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- WHAT? Do you own a fu... a GUN? God screamed while hiding his divine
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Maschinenpistolen A4 ("A small bribe from Hitler") behind his divine back.
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- Of course, Pete's father answered. To kill intruders. Communists. Are
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you a communist? You wear red clothes. I see you have a beard. Like Karl
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Marx.
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God was in a rage. His face turned jolly red.
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- You motherfu... GET OUT!
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- With pleasure. Where is the divine exit?
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God fumbled in his pockets. After a while, he took up a divine remote
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control and pressed a divine red button. A divine trap door opened below
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the feets of Pete's father. Satan laughed when yet another fool fell down
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to his little charming amusement park.
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- Greeetings... Satan whispered.
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Pete's father was not aware that he had been sent to hell. He thought he
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had, by some reason, been sent to some divine sauna.
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- Charming place!
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Pete's father placed a cigarette in his mouth.
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- Charming! Have you got a lighter my friend? he asked Satan.
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"He he", Satan thought. "More than enough".
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(Oh, fuck this story)
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THE END.
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*BREAK*
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How to really succeed in life.
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1. Make jokes at funerals.
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2. Steal from your friends.
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3. Laugh at people who are newly married.
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*BREAK*
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*CRASH*
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///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
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Jingle bells, jingle bells, rave on, rave on...
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SHUT THE FUCK UP! CALL THE STASH! +46-13-BANG
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Is it possible for a woman to get pregnant without intercourse?
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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uXu #161 Underground eXperts United 1994 uXu #161
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Call ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT -> +31-77-547477
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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