122 lines
6.9 KiB
Plaintext
122 lines
6.9 KiB
Plaintext
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=| T.Y.M.E. - Twisted Young Minds Expand | #61 by vYrus | 03/11/96 |=
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Who/Where Am I?
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I've been a typical stoner teenager these past few weeks, and everytime,
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more and more recently, i've been having this weird feeling of unfamiliarity
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with everything around me.
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I walk down streets i live on, i go into stores i've been in a million
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times in my life, i hang around friends i've known for half my lifetime,
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and still, everything seems wrong. Houses and streets look like strange
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houses in strange cities, and people aren't who i know them as.
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Abbadon, my best friend for eight years (give or take) seems as if he is
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someone i don't know, or someone i've just met and no almost nothing about.
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BlindSpot, friend for 11 years, seems like a kid in a book, as if he were
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a character in a movie.
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Things seem as if i'm seeing them for the first time. Streets with new
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development projects look like they've been built only recently, with empty
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streets making the world looks desolate.
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Cold winter air helps too. I had a point in my life where i'd take off
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from my house and spend most of the night in the freezing late-autumn air.
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Memories of that come back and haunt me, bringing with it the feelings of
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unfamiliarity and thoughts of my former life. (long story)
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Some of my friends have the same experience. They look around in confusion
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as things so old seem so new.
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Music is different. As i sit here listening to the Dead Kennedys (j3LL0
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r00Lz), i can differentiate between each invidual instrument, listening to
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each one seperately while ignoring the rest of the song. The instrument
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sounds clear, each beat or chord seems to have an absolute specific purpose
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(well, it does, but it's just different.) The whole song seems a strong,
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soulful piece of work.
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Hopes and dreams come into play. I begin daydreaming of one day moving
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out, having a steady, well paying jobs, spending late nights at my dinner
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table studying or doing homework, going to school, making plenty of money
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to support myself without finacial problems. Throwing some of the best
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parties seen in this part of Napa.
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Dreams seem like life when recalled, and my memory is so bad, i can't
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remember what we're having for dinner or movie i planned to record ten
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minutes ago. Dreams, while happening, are fuzzy at best, and i get a lot
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less sleep even though i sleep a lot longer then usual. Sleep is unful-
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filling, and dreams are confused with reality. Waking up is the worst
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feeling, for the jumble of thoughts is overwhelming in the morning.
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Reading books and stuff. Very hard. While stoned, i cannot concentrate.
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My gaze drifts to the wall and i start thinking of nothing and everything.
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Trivial stuff. The construction of words, the meaning of life. Anything.
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Sometimes i read an entire page over and over after drifting off so that
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i can remember what happened in the last two chapters.
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While i believe that my mental awareness is heightened, (of course, i'm
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sure you think that's a typical drug user reaction, but try it, you'll feel
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the same) i see the world from different viewpoints, and life seems a little
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fuller. While on shrooms, i can stare at anything and it's absolutely
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fascinating. While on acid, i can stare at a lit cigarette and watch each
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molecule of paper burn bright orange and turn to dust, burning millimeter
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by millimeter.
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More about acid. Some of my most amazing experiences have been on acid.
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Some of my most dangerous experiences were while on acid. I've only done it
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three times so far, but they have all been extrordinary. I have had to stand
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and stare a cop in the face while trying not to shake from nervousness, i've
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spent two hours staring at a street lamp and then trying to follow that
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little black dot that appears after you've stared at a light too long. That
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little dot was so clear and so swift, it seemed as if it was changed from a
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duck to a swan to a little face to just a black blob. Except it wasn't black.
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Shrooms i have only done once. But everything and everyone seems so in
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tune, so vivid, but i feel as if i am living someone else's life, and i
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belong somewhere else. Smoking weed after that one shrooming experience
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increased the feeling so dramatically i started to get scared.
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Playing mud football while stoned, i just got up and started walking
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away. Several hundred yards away, when i couldn't see or hear anyone past
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the buildings around, i listened quietly, searching for anything familiar.
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Birds seemed unreal, the clouds moving at fast paces, bringing rain, made
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me lose my sense of balance. Trees seemed sad, and the blustering wind
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against my wet skin and clothes brought tremors and shivers so violent, i
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fell down huddling against myself. The world seemed futile, unforgiving,
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as if nothing mattered and no-one cared. Even after my friends came over
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and started fucking with me, they still seemed like strangers from another
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place, a place i shouldn't be in.
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Sometimes i wonder if this unfamiliarity is due to the fact that i could
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actually be another person. Another mind takes over the one i have, with
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all my memories and all my thoughts, but different. Immediate things are
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not recognizable, and people are not my friends. If i am truly living in
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another mindstate, what will happen when i continue doing this for several
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more months, years? Will i switch entirely into another persona, forgetting
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that i am in fact, myself? Or will i become a schizophrenic?
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I'm scared.
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This is intense.
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.vYrus.
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/=\=/=\=/=\=/=\=/=\=/=\=/=\=/=\=/=\=/=\=/=\=/=\=/=\=/=\=/=\=/=\=/=\=/=\=/=\
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=> Look for T.Y.M.E. on any of the following boards or sites : <=
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/= ftp.netcom.com............../pub/ne/ned/tyme......................... =\
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\=-----------------------------------------------------------------------=/
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=> Leave ideas, complaints, submissions, etc., to aftermth@community.net <=
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/= TYME Home Page...http://www.pla-net.net/~jwapienn/zineworld/tyme.html =\
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=>-----------------------------------------------------------------------<=
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\= `Life is an Illusion, Death is Reality' =/
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