259 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
259 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
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:: ::: ;: :: ::
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[] [][] [] [] [] [] [] [] [] [] [] []] [] [] []
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++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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PREMIERE PHOTO OPORTUNITY FRESH START CYBER BONUS HYPER ISSUE!!!!
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++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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April 7-8 1993
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+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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+ DISCLAIMER +
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+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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By reading anything after this section you are legally saying to the
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world that You are a disgustingly apathetic net-geek. You refuse to care how
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other people express themselves as long as they are expressing themselves.
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You're saying, Hey! I know that this E-Zine probably has cussing, lewd
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remarks and other stuff like that, but Hey! I live for that and I wouldn't
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ever sue anyone who uploaded this, printed this, distributed this, or most
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importantly took any part in publishing this. Okay?
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++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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=====================================================
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====================================
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====================
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\ ==== /
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O\ == /O
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==
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==
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---\ == /---
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\ [(==)] /
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\ /
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|_________________|
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/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
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\/\ /
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\ /
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\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
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-=[NOTICE]=-
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If you recieved this file via an InterNET FTP site or your local
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BBS you should have recieved it with the cover .gif file. If you
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recieved it via our InterNET mailing list you did not get the gif file!!
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If you want the cover gif send a disk (any kind other than flopticle or
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audio!!!) to: True Cyberpunk
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Box 5659
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Rock Hill SC, 19733
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Include two US stamps and a suitable envelope (pre addressed) or I will
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gladely accept your gift diskette as my own!!! :)
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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I have come to find that many of you out there want to be
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CyberPunks, or think that you are already CyberPunks. Well posers here
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is the easy to read monthly installed, wire your nutz, guide on
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becoming a CyberPunk. It will be written in the form of rules, and
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what myself and friends of mine have x-perianced.
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Here we go:
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RULE #1:
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Everything is BullShit.
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This is bullshit. Rules are bull shit. Anyone who tells you
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what to be is an a$$h0l3. This article is stupid and inane. It's
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entertainment, and in the American tradition of entertainment. THIS IS
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BULLSHIT.
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RULE #2:
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Dealing With CyberJerkz
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A CyberJerk is an idiot who thinks he/she/it is the biggest
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hardcore motherfucker around. They are wrong. They haven't met me.
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<g>. This is bullshit. Anyone who takes themselves that seriously
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needs a pineapple up there a$$!
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RULE #3:
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AVOID WORK AT ALL COSTS
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Boo Boo, sayz "Avoid work as much as possible. Sure you loose sleep
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when you finally do have to work, and feel completely miserable, but;
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hey, being lazy has more satisfaction than any real accomplishment
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could hold."
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RULE #4:
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WORKING WHEN YOU'RE MADE TO DO IT BY THE MAN BY WHITIE BY THE OPPRESSOR
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(you get the idea)
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Never do your best. That's just a setup for disappointment. Think
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about it. If you do your entire best now. Then you'll have to work
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harder next time, and working harder means less time for bull5h1t.
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Always apply minimal effort. Always make their clock fit yours. Always
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take LOTS of breaks. The doughnuts at BiLo are good.
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that's it.
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RULE #5:
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THE PROPER USE OF KEROSENE AND OTHER FLAMMABLES.
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Sadly enuf, our society is for the most part so boring and confining
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that the best fun is usually reduced to cheap sex, and arson (petty
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theft, minor destruction, and cruelty to stupid people are allowable
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substitutes). Cross reference with Big Black's / Atomizer / Kerosene.
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RULE #6:
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WE HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF RULE #6 YET.
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Thinking is for idiots or people who haven't found better things to
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do.
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And now boys and girls, it's time for a story from the underground.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------
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So here we were passing through South Carolina when what did we
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happen to come across? None other than the infamous MAN LAND,
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otherwise known as the Catawba Nuclear Facility. Amidst the orange
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smoke and the slightly mauve sky there was the ever present allure of the
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main gate to the facility. The sign said, "Quality and Safety Go Hand
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in Hand." We knew they were lying when we saw the radiation testing
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equipment out lounging in the grass and the three legged dog licking
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its wounds by the cooling unit. We came prepared for photo documentation
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of our exploits, and the air was alkaline as we drove down the back
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road to the rear security gate. This was the corporate ogre that held
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down the brethren. The first photograph was of Nomad taking a leak on
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the security fence, but we soon discovered that despite the presence
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of a full moon, there wasn't enough light. By the harsh glare of the
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'78 Dodge Aspen's headlights, Bear took a picture of me emptying
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my bladder on the chained gate. We should have known better than to
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burn the headlights so long. As I was taking quite possibly the
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longest piss I had ever had, I noticed the plane rising on the
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horizon. At first I thought nothing, but my god was it moving in
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fast...straight for us. "For God's sake, run!" Zip up, shut up, and
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hop in the car. Christ, the plane had to be moving at least 60 miles
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an hour, and very low to the ground. Point of interest: no planes are
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allowed to fly over such facilities except for plant security and
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police. We were in deep doo doo. We hauled ass out of there fast and
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proceeded into Inbred Land, a realm almost as frightening as the Man's
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domain. We turned around and stopped for a photo opportunity, we knew
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security was closing in, but hey, the smoke was pouring out at
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hellacious speeds and it looked really great. Besides, it had to be
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worth at least 1.3% of the cost of getting arrested. As we rocketed
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out of Inbred Land a mutie ran out in front of the car. It was covered
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in fur, had huge feet, long ears, and a white ass. Bear pressed down
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on the gas, "We can't let this escape into society, imagine all the
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innocent deaths!!!". "I've got to Kill it, I've got to kill it!" As
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the Dodge lunged on its heels it leered its face around. "Oh my god,
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STOP, Its cute!" Boo Boo screamed. He then jerked the wheel and almost
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caused us to capsize. Unfortunately, the picture of the beast was too
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blurred and hideous to publish here, maybe when you're older kids.
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We then noticed one plane and one helicopter up in the sky. Being
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extremely thick skulled and foolish, we ventured into the plant.
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"Safety and Quality Go Hand In Hand." Yes, true, but this was
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obviously no place of affection. This time a truck was circling the
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lot, and we decided to go ahead and get the fuck out of there. We heard
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the loudspeaker come on, and then we knew that it was not a photo
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opportunity anymore. Bear drove up to the rear gate, Nomad was laughing
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hysterically, I was wondering if that plane had a macro scope, and if they
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had me urinating on film. At that point a big, gold stamped, security
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vehicle tooled by at about 80 miles an hour. "Say he's going down
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that back road isn't he?" More hysterical laughter, this time shared
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by everyone. Lacking lucidity and sheer common sense, we decided to
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affirm our suspicion and drive back down that road. We wanted to know
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that our presence was observed. We pulled into an expensive
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neighborhood, and while looking at the Man's lavish homes, we dropped
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our guard, and stopped watching the skies. When we turned around, we
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saw the plane about 100 feet above us, with flashing blue lights. All
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this for petty trespassing and urination? "Holy shit!" The
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accelerator roared and we proceeded to haul booty while screaming
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insanely. The Man was casing us something fierce. To make a long
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story short, we ditched the plane and decided to go straight home and
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cut our losses. Sure, we didn't steal any rad badges or come out of
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there with any evidence of mutation, or really accomplish much of
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anything...so why did we risk arrest (worse yet, anybody ever hear of
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police cover up? "Let's just take these boys around back and teach
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'em a lesson.") To put it simply, just for the hell of it. We didn't
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have anything better to do and thinking was out of the question.
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Beside's, you can't imagine the seduction this place holds. An
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unbelievable thrill. And that's the double truth, Ruth.
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Boo Boo
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------
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This issue of "True Cyberpunk" was brought to you by:
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Moore's Buttered Popcorn and Nachos
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Gatoraid Original Flavor
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Ramen Noodles
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Sunoco Gas Inc.
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The Catawba Nuclear Plant and Energy Quest
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McDonalds
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and the letter 'u'.
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------
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Special Thanks to:
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Big Black, Bruce Sterling, William Gibson, Issac Asimov, Elvis, Spam,
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Log, Velveeta, and all our processed food friends. V8 (Engines and
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Drinks), Dodge, The United States Armed Forces, The penzoil Racing
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Team, Nascar, Stunts Int. Flannel, IBM, Panasonic, Internet, JVC,
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Katsuhiro Otomo, Akira Kurosaga, Boo Boo sends greets to, Kyo and her
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Yakuza friends, Mr. Martyka, (Hi Paul), Davy 'Stalker' Wentworth,
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Clarence, Thurston, Buffy, Chad, William Shallert, Patty Duke, Eddie
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from the CCI Get Smart Prison Education Program, Amedeo (No more check
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forgery, please), Harry, Dan (Stay off the pot and stop calling in
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bomb threats at Clemson. Eventually they will press charges), Henry
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and Ottis, all Glen Danzig bands, and Shuttlecock.
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Bear sends a paw to, K&M Pets, South side Inbreeding,
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Jim, Paula, and itty bitty baby Emily, The Freak Floor, all laser
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light operators, INSOC, Kyle 'TopGun' Harrison, The Spartanburg Police
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Force, The CIA (You don't have me yet! Im back on the NET!), and Abe
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Lincoln. Nomad wishes to thank his pillow
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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The "True Cyberpunk" Staff Roster
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Boo Boo Bear Nomad and Thrash
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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APPENSION (Added May 8 1993)
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Well the cover advertised 'Photo's to prove it all'. Well our
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photographer (and on staff clutz) fouled up the photos! We know he
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didn't do it deliberatly so we won't hound him here! So in order to
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save space the photos that came out as grey fields with white dots
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in them have been left out!! But anyway we all still hoped you
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enjoyed it!
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Peace and Love!
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Bear - editor
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APPENSION (Added today)
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I went back and got a better picture of where we were
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look for it in an upcoming issue, it may be a cover!
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