208 lines
7.7 KiB
Plaintext
208 lines
7.7 KiB
Plaintext
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::::: oxic :::......:::: hock
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-PRESENTS-
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- Clever Hans -
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:Translated by Jack Zipes for the Complete Fairy Tales of the Brothers Grimm.
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:Freshly Squeezed by Fetal Juice
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:Toxic File #82
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!What can I say? I got bored, so I sat down and started reading some cool
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shit.. I thought I'd share the power of my two dear and personally dead
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friends Wilhelm and Jacob.... Also I got annoyed at the fucking page breaks
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this commie piece of shit word processor produces so I nulled the muther
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fucking print return routines that annoyed me with a monitor. Thank God, and
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your god too for that matter for block cut and paste.
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!Ever notice how purple cows seem to point, in a general fashion, just to the
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left of major commercial airline flight windows?
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!Will that Damn printer ever stop humming?!?!?!?!?
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!Fuck a sheep, they like to be used.
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"WHERE ARE YOU GOING, Hans?" his mother asked.
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"To Gretel's," Hans replied.
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"Take care, Hans."
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"Don't worry. Good-bye, Mother."
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Hans arrived at Gretel's place.
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"Good day, Gretel," Hans said.
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"Good day, Hans. Have you brought me anything nice?"
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"Didn't bring anything. Want something from you."
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Gretal gave him a needle.
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"Good-bye, Gretel," Hans said
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"Good-bye,Hans."
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Hans took the needle, stuck it in the hay wagon, and walked home behind
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the wagon.
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"Good evening, Mother."
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"Good evening, Hans. Where have you been?"
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"At Gretel's."
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"What did you bring her?"
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"Didn't bring her a thing. Got something."
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"What did Gretel give you?"
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"Got a needle."
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"Where'd you put the needle, Hans?"
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"Stuck it in a hay wagon."
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"That was stupid of you, Hans. You should have stuck it in your sleeve."
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"Dosen't matter. I'll do better next time."
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"Where are you going, Hans?".
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"To Gretel's, Mother."
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"Take care, Hans."
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"Don't worry. Good-bye, Mother."
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Hans arrived at Gretel's place.
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"Good day, Gretel."
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"Good day, Hans. Have you brought me anything nice?"
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"Didn't bring anything. Want something from you."
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Gretal gave Hans a knife.
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"Good-bye, Gretel."
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"Good-bye, Hans."
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Hans took the knife, stuck it in his sleeve, and went home.
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"Good evening, Mother."
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"Good evening, Hans. Where have you been?"
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"At Gretel's."
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"What did you bring her?"
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"Didn't bring her a thing. Got something."
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"What did Gretel give you?"
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"Got a knife."
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"Where'd you put the knife, Hans?"
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"Stuck it in my sleeve."
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"That was stupid of you, Hans. You should have put it in your pocket."
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"Dosen't matter. I'll do better next time."
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"Where are you going, Hans?".
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"To Gretel's, Mother."
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"Take care, Hans."
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"Don't worry. Good-bye, Mother."
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Hans arrived at Gretel's place.
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"Good day, Gretel."
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"Good day, Hans. Have you brought me anything nice?"
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"Didn't bring anything. Want something from you."
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Gretel gave Hans a kid goat.
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"Good-bye, Gretel."
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"Good-bye, Hans."
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Hans took the goat, tied its legs together, and stuck it in his pocket.
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By the time he got home, the goat had suffocated.
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"Good evening, Mother."
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"Good evening, Hans. Where have you been?"
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"At Gretel's."
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"What did you bring her?"
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"Didn't bring her a thing. Got something."
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"What did Gretel give you?"
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"Got a goat."
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"Where'd you put the goat, Hans?"
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"Stuck it in my pocket."
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"That was stupid of you, Hans. You should have tied the goat to a rope.
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"Dosen't matter. I'll do better next time."
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"Where are you going, Hans?".
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"To Gretel's, Mother."
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"Take care, Hans."
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"Don't worry. Good-bye, Mother."
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"Good-bye, Hans."
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Hans arrived at Gretel's place.
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"Good day, Gretel."
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"Good day, Hans. Have you brought me anything nice?"
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"Didn't bring anything. Want something from you."
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Gretel gave Hans a piece of bacon.
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Hans took the bacon, tied it to a rope, and dragged it along behind him.
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The dogs came and ate the bacon. By the time Hans arrived home, he had the
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rope in his hand but nothing attached to it anymore.
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"Good evening, Mother."
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"Good evening, Hans. Where have you been?"
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"At Gretel's."
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"What did you bring her?"
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"Didn't bring her a thing. Got something."
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"What did Gretel give you?"
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"Got a piece of bacon."
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"What have you done with the bacon, Hans?"
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"Tied it to a rope, dragged it home. Dogs got it."
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"That was stupid of you, Hans. You should have carried the bacon on your
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head."
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"Dosen't matter. I'll do better next time."
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"Where are you going, Hans?"
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"To Gretel's, mother."
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"Take care, Hans."
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"Don't worry. Good-bye, Mother."
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"Good-bye, Hans."
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Hans arrived at Gretel's place."
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"Good day, Gretel."
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"Good day, Hans. Have you brought me anything nice?"
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"Didn't bring anything. Want something from you."
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"Gretel gave Hans a calf."
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"Good-bye, Gretel."
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"Good-bye, Hans."
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Hans took the calf, set it on his head, and the calf kicked him in his
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face.
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"Good evening, Mother."
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"Good evening, Hans. Where have you been?"
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"At Gretel's."
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"What did you bring her?"
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"Didn't bring her a thing. Got something."
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"What did Gretel give you?"
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"Got a calf."
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"What have you done with the calf?"
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"Put it on my head. Kicked me in my face."
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"That was stupid of you, Hans. You should have led the calf to the
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stable
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and put it in the stall."
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"Dosen't matter. I'll do better next time."
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"Where are you going, Hans?".
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"To Gretel's, Mother."
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"Take care, Hans."
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"Don't worry. Good-bye, Mother."
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"Good-bye, Hans."
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Hans arrived at Gretel's place.
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"Good day, Gretel."
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"Good day, Hans. Have you brought me anything nice?"
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"Didn't bring anything. Want something from you."
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"I'll come along with you," Gretel said."
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Hans took Gretel, put a rope around her, led her into the stable, tied
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her
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to a stall, and threw her some grass. Then he went to his mother.
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"Good evening, Mother."
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"Good evening, Hans. Where have you been?"
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"At Gretel's."
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"What did you bring her?"
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"Didn't bring her a thing."
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"What did Gretel give you?"
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"Got nothing. She came along."
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"Where have you left Gretel?"
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"Led her by a rope and tied her up in the stall and threw her some
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grass."
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"That was stupid of you, Hans. You should have thrown friendly looks at
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her with the eyes."
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Hans went into the stable, cut out the eyes of all the cows and sheep,
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and
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threw them in Gretel's face. Then Gretel got angry, tore herself loose, and
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ran away. That was how Hans lost his bride.
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(c)opied right from the listed source..Fetal Juice/Toxic Shock July 1990
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