113 lines
6.5 KiB
Plaintext
113 lines
6.5 KiB
Plaintext
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::::: oxic :::......:::: hock
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presents
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Late-Night Canoeing
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by Gross Genitalia
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Toxic File #39
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Centre of Eternity 615.552.5747 HQ of Toxic Shock and The Esoteric Society
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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Odd. Whilst sitting here tonight I got the urge to go canoeing. Of all the
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wonderful things I could be doing, of all the women I could be sleeping with,
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of all the mixed drinks I could be chugging, I wanted to go CANOEING. And I
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will follow this notion. I want to go canoeing damnit, I want to go NOW.
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I will take along my dog. Yes, er, my rabbit too. Why not bring the computer
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and a cellular phone? I go to the lake. Odd. The fish are purple and green.
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There are aliens everywhere. The entire Unsolved Mysteries crew is here. Hey,
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I will be on TV next week. I do not want to die. So I will go canoeing now.
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Excuse me, I must urinate before I go. Tinkle tinkle SPUTTER SPLAT. Sorry,
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I killed a carp and a basking turtle. But it is nighttime. So I am paddling.
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I'll call Tudor Nightmare Village. <beep beep beep> dials my phone. There
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is a logon screen. "If you are reading this then your modem is malfunctioning."
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Oops. Maybe they're right. I'll hang up. After all, I'm here to canoe. Why do
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I get these strange urges to do odd things in the middle of the night? I will
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paddle. Pop some No-Doz to keep awake. Paddle. Damnit this monotonous paddling
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shit sucks. I'll pull out my trolling motor cause this paddling SUCKS. Wow.
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Aren't we having fun?
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I'll fix a cup of coffee. Maybe that'll keep me awake. And get some Coffee
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Mate to cream it up a little. Slurp. Oh SHIT that wasn't COFFEEMATE! That
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was fuckin LSD! Oh shit, I'm gone now. Please identify my body when I'm found
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dead, floating at the top of the river being decomposed by little aquatic
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fucks who think I'm fish food. Oh shit why do I do these things? I'm halfway
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asleep and I'm about to go on an LSD trip. Whoa demons. Where's this? I'm
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in HELL? I'm a cockroach. They're fumigating. Pssshhhhhhh the spray is every
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where. I'm feeling lightheaded. I'll go for a swim and let the boat catch up
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with me.
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Gurgle is this WATER? Hello fish. I'm horny. Let's make passionate love.
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Nah, I'd rather have a nice snapping turtle. Why am I gasping for air?
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I think I'm drowning. Nah, I'm just a little FUCKED UP right now. I can't
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see! I'm on an island. And there are Chinese hookers all around begging to
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suck one of my many dicks. I have a DICK growing out of my NOSE! And some
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Russian whore is riding it like no tomorrow! But I am canoeing, so I pay no
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attention to the nasal sex. It can't happen. It's anatomically impossible.
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But how then, is my foot coming out of my ear? Nevertheless I am canoeing.
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I will call up the LL Cool J 9-line. No, I am out of my calling range. So
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I'll call Dial-A-Porn. Who the fuck needs LL Cool J anyway?
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Hello, is this Hot Sex? Yeah, I'm in a canoe right now and I... no really,
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I'm calling from a fuckin canoe! You don't believe me? Well here. I'll put the
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phone in the fuckin water and let you FUCKIN hear the FUCKIN FISH! <Splash>
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Damn I feel funny. I think I am electrocuting myself. But no matter. I am
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canoeing and pretty fucked up I must say. Fuck the phone I don't need it.
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Ooops it's hooked around my ankle so I'm drowning now. Gurgle gurgle. Wait,
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give me a minute and I'll pull into this marina here and buy some rope to
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pull me up out of the water. I buy some rope and save myself from drowning.
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But the man putting gas in my canoe is a demon with 9 heads. Wait the fuck.
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This is a canoe! I don't need GAS! <Fart> but I have gas. That triple-beef
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extra-cheese double-pan pizza didn't help too much. Neither did the box of
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No-Doz and that shit I THOUGHT was CoffeeFuckinMate. But I think I'll call
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up Ripco from my canoe. Yeah, like is this Ripco? Well I'm in a fuckin
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canoe in the middle of the Amazon River an... what? You don't believe me
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either? Well FUCK you!
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I'm really high now. I think I'll drink some takela to calm me down. Aaah
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that's better. Oh my dog wants some. Here pooch, don't get too drunk. Want
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some PCP? Nah. I love my dog. Fuck me dog. I'll fuck my dog now. Don't be
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rude. Close your eyes and don't peek while my dog and I fuck. <Whumpa whumpa
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BARK WOOF!> Aaah there's nothing like fresh dog cum to make a lovely serene
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canoe trip. Hey how's this? I'm on two trips at once. Did I forget to mention
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I accidentally took LSD instead of Coffeemate? Well hey, it's a common fuckin
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mistake. I'll tie my dog to the bow of the boat and let her pull the boat
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in her teeth. <WOOF!> I hope I didn't kill the poor thing. Damnit I'm going
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to kill myself. Yeah I know it's not as much fun as a canoe trip but I'm bored.
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I'll just take this nice little revolver and BOOM I'll be on a third trip.
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A death trip. Fuck you I know I'm talking to myself again.
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Nah I won't do that. How's it holding pooch? I think I'm coming off my
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LSD trip now. The demon in front of my forehead is becoming much less blurry
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now. Yeah, that's it. I think I am going to live. If I can just remember
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where the FUCK I live... yeah, I live back up the river some hundred miles
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or so. I'll just pack all this shit up and ride my skateboard back home.
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I'll stand up and see if I can catch some fresh ai..
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[The canoer was inadvertently killed when his dog, in retaliation for such
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cruelty, shot the canoer three times in the groin area and stated that all
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dogs will be liberated and the canoer fell into the river and drowned.]
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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(c)1990 Toxic Shock.
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The Followers of Fetus
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(Who Are They?)
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