614 lines
27 KiB
Plaintext
614 lines
27 KiB
Plaintext
****************************************************************************
|
|
### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ###
|
|
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
|
|
# #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # #
|
|
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
|
|
# # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ###
|
|
____________________________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
# # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### ####
|
|
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
|
|
# # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ###
|
|
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
|
|
### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### ####
|
|
*****NUMBERS 136 TO 140***********BY DANIEL BOWEN (tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)*****
|
|
|
|
"Vegetarian Toxic Custard"
|
|
|
|
..... .... . . ..... . .... .....
|
|
. . . . . . . . Toxic Custard Workshop Files
|
|
. . . . ... . .. .....
|
|
. . . . . . . . . . Number 136, 22nd February 1993
|
|
. .... . . . . .... .... written by Daniel Bowen
|
|
|
|
WELL.
|
|
After last week's rather un-worth-a-thousand-words-like picture, let's
|
|
dredge up all the shit that was almost TCWF 135.
|
|
|
|
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT (A LITTLE LATE) ON...
|
|
Valentine's Day. Well, I can see why they had a massacre that day.
|
|
Probably a massacre of florists who had run out of roses. Actually,
|
|
Fred managed to find me what he thought were roses. Problem is, Fred is
|
|
colour blind. And has the gardening skills of a turd on heat. What he
|
|
actually managed to give me was a marijuana plant. S
|
|
i
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - d
|
|
e
|
|
We had a dinner party the other night. Unfortunately we w
|
|
accidentally invited a vegan, so I gave him a carrot and told him to a
|
|
eat it quietly in the corner. y
|
|
Call me stupid if you wish. It's a free country (*). But what idiot s
|
|
thought up the Imperial measuring system? Rather than milk this joke
|
|
with rods, hands and perch's, I shall merely ask - why the difference m
|
|
between a nautical mile and a normal average run-of-the-mill mile? Did e
|
|
they think sailors could be fooled into sailing further? Did people s
|
|
think something wasn't as far if they didn't have to walk? s
|
|
a
|
|
(*) Where available g
|
|
e
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ?
|
|
|
|
MR POPSICLE RETURNS - Part 14 W
|
|
h
|
|
With the end of this far too long Popsicle adventure very nearly in a
|
|
sight, we now return to Popsicle, Inspector Unnecessary-Violence, and t
|
|
fifty of their closest armed and dangerous buddies, who are set to blow
|
|
the shit out of every living thing in the vicinity of their nemesis, s
|
|
the most violent and dangerous Whelan brothers, who are suspected of i
|
|
atrocities against large amounts of innocent money which was formerly d
|
|
contained inside an armoured car on its way to a Sale Of The Century e
|
|
recording session but which was intercepted by the aforementioned w
|
|
villains before reaching its destination. Phew. This precis has been a
|
|
entered in the 1993 Annual World Longest One Sentence Precis y
|
|
Competition, to be held in Stratford in June. s
|
|
With the Whelans, Mick and Donny, well-known for their violent
|
|
tactics in dealing with their enemies, the media, visiting aristocracy m
|
|
etc, and the Inspector and all the other Australian Royal Security e
|
|
Establishment thugs being keen fans of Stallone movies, this s
|
|
confrontation was going to be dangerous and bloody. Dangerous and s
|
|
bloody, and yet strangely compelling and spectacular, with just a hint a
|
|
of bloodlust. g
|
|
The Inspector, under Popsicle's direction, made the first move, by e
|
|
getting out the loud hailer and making the usual calm demands for ?
|
|
surrender: "Yo!", began the Inspector, having watched Hill Street Blues
|
|
the night before. "Yo, dirtbags! It's the pigs here! We've got a
|
|
fucking huge load of guns and stuff, so just stay right there. We're
|
|
coming in to blow your heads off."
|
|
It surprised most of the ARSE entourage when another, louder hailer
|
|
delivered the reply. "Over your fucking dead fucking bodies, coppers!"
|
|
Popsicle ordered a more powerful loud hailer to be brought, and
|
|
briefed the men in his usual highly cool way. "Kill 'em." He pulled
|
|
aside one young protoge, a young agent who had recently joined ARSE.
|
|
"What's your name?"
|
|
"The name's Trouble. Dick Trouble", replied Trouble, who was doing
|
|
very well in his Opening Lines course.
|
|
"Okay Trouble. Do the usual sneak around behind the villains bit."
|
|
With the other men in position, the Inspector was about to order
|
|
them to open fire when the Whelans did so first. A row of bullets
|
|
thudded into the command jeep the Inspector was directing things from.
|
|
He dived from the back of the jeep into a convincingly placed pile of
|
|
rotten potatoes as the jeep's petrol tank exploded, nicely frying the
|
|
unfortunate driver.
|
|
The Inspector, watching his precious "FUCKOFF" personalised number
|
|
plates melting, vowed that not one villain would live to see the dawn,
|
|
the next day, jail, court, parole, award winning interview on A Current
|
|
Affair, sleazy story on Hard Copy, or best selling book of murder
|
|
anecdotes.
|
|
Pulling the rocket launcher he'd been saving out of his pocket, he
|
|
aimed it at the warehouse and yelled an incomprehensible battle-cry,
|
|
before running forward through the gates and aiming it in the direction
|
|
of the gunfire.
|
|
The ARSE men, returning fire also ran forward, a few of them being
|
|
cut down by the Whelan's gunfire. Their armoured jackets pierced, they
|
|
fell to the ground winded, unable to get up again, like tortoises on
|
|
their backs. Dick Trouble managed to get mixed up in the crowd at this
|
|
point, and his earlier introduction to the plot gets completely lost in
|
|
the gratuitous violence, which continues now.
|
|
The Inspector, still shouting his battlecry, fired the rocket
|
|
launcher, and it shot from his shoulder into the building, which
|
|
promptly exploded, to be captured by cameras from a number of different
|
|
angles so it would look really spectacular. Debris flew in all
|
|
directions, as you can imagine it would. Flames erupted around all
|
|
corners of the building, shooting into the air, as remnants from the
|
|
warehouse continued to fly out. (It was at this point that the old lady
|
|
across the road elected to call the fire brigade.) Mick Whelan's head
|
|
landed just next to Popsicle, still hanging around the gates trying to
|
|
look cool. Most of Donny Whelan landed nearby to the Inspector, who
|
|
proceeded to kick what was left beyond recognition, while ARSE men
|
|
proceeded to set up a quick game of football with Donny's head. A few
|
|
wily seagulls came down to pick at the brains which were coming out of
|
|
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
Err, I think that's about enough from that
|
|
Popsicle story. Villains defeated, story over,
|
|
we can all go home, okay? Next week... more
|
|
TCWF stuff. Dunno what, yet. You'll find that
|
|
out next week. Back-issues can be obtained by
|
|
ftp or by a mail server. For details, reply to
|
|
this, or send mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
Copyright (c) 1993 Daniel Bowen
|
|
--
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia|
|
|
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au------| I hate walking... it's so pedestrian.
|
|
(but not for long)----------------|
|
|
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"Sleepy Toxic Custard"
|
|
|
|
___ ___ ___ _____
|
|
|___ / \ / / | / \ / Toxic Custard
|
|
| | \ / |__ | __/ / Workshop Files
|
|
| | \ /\ / | | \ | - - - - - - - -
|
|
\___ \___ \/ \/ | | \___/ | 1st March, 1993
|
|
|
|
NEXT WEEK IN TOXIC CUSTARD
|
|
- Leaping over the fine line of bad taste, we talk to Eric Clapton
|
|
after the tragedy of one of his Grammy's falling out of his apartment
|
|
window
|
|
- And we look at the new Philips Digital Compact Cassette - All the
|
|
inconvenience and unreliability of a cassette, at the cost of a
|
|
Compact Disc
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
We had a dinner party the other night. Unfortunately we accidentally
|
|
invited a vegan, so I gave him a carrot and told him to eat it
|
|
quietly in the corner.
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
Call me stupid if you wish. It's a free country (*). But what idiot
|
|
thought up the Imperial measuring system? Rather than milk this joke
|
|
dry with rods, hands and perch's, I shall merely ask - why the
|
|
difference between a nautical mile and a normal average run-of-the-
|
|
mill mile? Did they think sailors could be fooled into sailing
|
|
further? Did people think something wasn't as far if they didn't have
|
|
to walk?
|
|
|
|
(*) Where available
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
Do the Liberal Party really expect me to vote for an economist?
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
Archaeologists claim today to have uncovered rare samples of
|
|
electronic humour from the late 1980's. They were found whilst
|
|
digging through a pile of floppy diskettes during the search for Brad
|
|
Templeton's tomb. Amongst the gems found are old Rocket Roger
|
|
episodes, several screensworth of Mike's Madness, Toxic Custard's
|
|
from *before* the advent of that long Mr Popsicle adventure, and,
|
|
most incredibly, an episode of Henry Cate's Funky Stuff which is
|
|
believed to actually be original material. Early reports that the
|
|
Green Golfball Joke had been found have now been denied.
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
Suddenly I found myself vanquished from the normal world. It just
|
|
vanished before my very eyes, at least from my point of view.
|
|
Everything vanished, and was replaced by void. Nothingness. For a few
|
|
seconds. Then it began to appear... I had been transferred into a
|
|
world without logic or sense, a world created by Arts students, or so
|
|
it seemed.
|
|
I was on a hillside field of bananas. Large cream jugs bounced by
|
|
on their merry ways to what I presumed was a Large Cream Jug
|
|
Convention. A vacuum cleaner sat nearby sucking up bananas, until
|
|
the bananas objected. I started walking through the field, trying not
|
|
to step on the bananas, especially the little ones. Some of them lay
|
|
sunbaking, their skins beside them.
|
|
I kept walking. The hill went up, and up, and up, and eventually
|
|
the bananas were above me, as I walked upside down the way I'd came.
|
|
Or something like that. The bananas decided to turn into melons
|
|
around about now, which were rather more awkward to walk on. A
|
|
chocolate bar passed the time of day, and suddenly the whole thing
|
|
seemed a bit too silly, and I ended up back in reality, and out of
|
|
the world that my brain had created.
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
ODE TO THE BODY
|
|
|
|
O testicles, O testicles
|
|
Thou art so round and firm
|
|
But so deflated and wobbly
|
|
After outpouring of sperm
|
|
|
|
Armpit, yes my armpit
|
|
With hairs all cropping down
|
|
Keep nose away on a hot day
|
|
Lest mouth turn to a frown
|
|
|
|
Feet, two feet for walking
|
|
With hearts, minds and soles
|
|
Toenails, blisters, warts
|
|
And on real bad days, moles
|
|
|
|
Tongue, always waving
|
|
Some can curl, some not
|
|
Talking, tasting, licking
|
|
Lips teeth nose and snot
|
|
|
|
Meanwhile the nerve centre
|
|
We sometimes call The Brain
|
|
Is being prodded and poked
|
|
Until declared insane
|
|
|
|
And what do they all do?
|
|
What does humanity create?
|
|
What bodily substances
|
|
Do spurt out day after day?
|
|
|
|
Snot, saliva, sperm,
|
|
Pus, blood, urine,
|
|
Faeces, mucus, sweat
|
|
Ear wax and nice spew
|
|
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
On that delightful note, Toxic Custard is
|
|
thankfully over for another week. Unfortunately,
|
|
it returns next week at around about the same
|
|
time. Bummer. Meanwhile, TCWF back-issues are
|
|
still available. Reply to this, or send mail to
|
|
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details.
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
Copyright (c) 1993 Daniel Bowen
|
|
--
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia| LOST - Toxic Custard
|
|
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au------| sideways message.
|
|
(but not for long)----------------| Answers to the name
|
|
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | of "Verty".
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"Toxic Custard's late again..."
|
|
|
|
___ __ _ _ ____ . __ __
|
|
/ | \ / \ | | | /| / \ / \
|
|
| | | | |_ | __/ \__/ Toxic Custard Workshop Files
|
|
| | | | | | | \ / \ Number 138 - 15th March 1993
|
|
.|. \__/ \/ \/ .|. .|. \__/ \__/ Written by Daniel Bowen.....
|
|
**ALL NEW MATERIAL!**
|
|
|
|
|
|
Everything has rules. The simplest things have complex rules that bind
|
|
them, order them, and generally change them from the simple things they
|
|
once were into much more complicated things, involving complex
|
|
decision-making stressful experiences.
|
|
Okay, so I'm walking down the street. Not a busy city street, but a
|
|
quiet suburban street. Just got off the train, perhaps. There's someone
|
|
only a few yards in front of me. Walking at about the same pace as me.
|
|
And my paranoid brain clicks into gear: "*I* know I'm not following
|
|
him..." (or her. And for a man, the paranoia doubles if he's just
|
|
behind a woman). "But what if he thinks I *am* following him? Omigod,
|
|
I've just turned into the same side street as him. Again. He thinks I'm
|
|
a mugger. He thinks I'm a psychopathic evangelist about to save his
|
|
soul and despatch him straight to heaven in one breath."
|
|
So the brain works out the logic. And the conclusion: "If I
|
|
overtake him while walking, it will prove to him that I'm not
|
|
following/about to attack his goolies with a meat-cleaver/offering him
|
|
a free personality test." And so my legs go into third gear as I try to
|
|
veer around onto the nature-strip to overtake, all the while, scanning
|
|
the radar for any concealed dog turds that have been conveniently left
|
|
there by some uncaring bastard dog owner with his uncaring bastard dog,
|
|
just waiting to add an interesting new aroma to my shiny(ish) new(ish)
|
|
Florsheim shoes.
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
Spike was a man, rebellious at that
|
|
When teenag-ed, he'd been a bit of a twat
|
|
But now grown up, his mind in a funk
|
|
He decided one day that he'd go punk
|
|
|
|
So he cut away heaps from his fine mane
|
|
And got a haircut to match his name
|
|
Shitkicker boots and leather and studs
|
|
Tattoos on his knuckles: "SHIT" and "MUD"
|
|
|
|
But all the elation came down with a crash
|
|
When he suddenly realised that he needed cash
|
|
So for a day or three he stopped looking yob
|
|
And valiantly tried to find a job
|
|
|
|
He borrowed a suit and a nice loop tie
|
|
Went to be interviewed in some building up high
|
|
After training and uniforms, he was a new man
|
|
And started his job - driving a tram.
|
|
|
|
SPIKE... THE PUNK TRAM DRIVER
|
|
|
|
Spike the tram driver is on my line
|
|
He wears studs and earings all the time
|
|
He has a nail on a piece of wood
|
|
The schoolkids all stand when they should
|
|
|
|
He swears and screams and foams at mouth
|
|
He's the meanest tram driver in the eastern-south
|
|
He's a history of arguments with trucks and cars
|
|
If you don't believe it, see the scars
|
|
|
|
Now the car drivers on route seventy-five
|
|
Don't block Spike if they want to stay alive
|
|
He nudges the cars into the left lane
|
|
He'd swerve if he could rather than let them get away
|
|
|
|
The wheels screech, people hold the rails
|
|
As Spike does ninety down the 75 trail
|
|
The tram's nose is burning a bright bright red
|
|
The conductor's afraid he'll end up dead
|
|
|
|
The tram is rattling like a DC10
|
|
Spike's got his foot right down and then...
|
|
We skid to a halt and all is fine
|
|
For tram 75 is at the end of the line.
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
The state environment minister announced today in a press conference
|
|
that he'd had enough of environmental issues, and would be renaming the
|
|
Ministry of The Environment "The Ministry For Building Big Grey
|
|
Buildings, Freeways And Poisoning Baby Penguins". He explained that
|
|
"environment" was far too wishy-washy for a real MAN like himself, and
|
|
that he personally enjoyed bashing the brains out of small furry
|
|
animals for a pastime, and that his own personal pick-axe could be
|
|
inspected for blood stains if any of the vultures of the press would
|
|
like to see it.
|
|
The Minister then went on to use a black marker pen to indicate
|
|
which 95% of the city's parks were to be bulldozed within 24 hours, the
|
|
5% which were to be bulldozed next weekend, the smog production factory
|
|
which was to be opened next month, and the sudden realisation of the
|
|
author of Toxic Custard that this was developing into something far too
|
|
similar to an episode of The Goodies.
|
|
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
You have been watching yet another one of the very many
|
|
(and fast growing) numbers of Toxic Custards. Toxic
|
|
Custards are now a recognised pest in most parts of
|
|
Australia, and the government has now authorised the use
|
|
of bazookas against them. A plague of old back-issues of
|
|
Toxic Custards has now taken hold of the ftp sites of
|
|
ftp.cs.widener.edu [192.55.239.132] and ftp.ee.mu.oz.au
|
|
[128.250.1.80]. Toxic Custards have also been seen living
|
|
in relative comfort in the confines of the mail server at
|
|
Widener (send "help" or "index tcwf" to
|
|
archive-server@cs.widener.edu for details).
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
Copyright (c) 1993 Daniel Bowen
|
|
--
|
|
Daniel Bowen, National Telemarketing Centre| If I got out of
|
|
------Telecom Australia, Burwood, Melbourne| the wrong side of
|
|
dbowen@vcomtelb.telecom.com.au-------------| bed, I'd hit the
|
|
------------TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu| wall.
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
139 "Barely Toxic Custard"
|
|
|
|
|
|
There will be no Toxic Custard this week.
|
|
|
|
There will be no Toxic Custard this week.
|
|
|
|
There will be no Toxic Custard this week.
|
|
|
|
There will be no Toxic Custard this week.
|
|
|
|
There will be no Toxic Custard this week.
|
|
|
|
- WHY NOT?
|
|
|
|
There will be no Toxic Custard this week.
|
|
|
|
There will be no Toxic Custard this week.
|
|
|
|
- I SAID WHY NOT?
|
|
|
|
There will be no Toxic Custard this week.
|
|
|
|
There will be no Toxic Custard this week.
|
|
|
|
- OI! WILL YOU FUCKIN' ANSWER ME? WHY NOT?
|
|
|
|
Because I've been far too fucking busy this week at work. That's why
|
|
not.
|
|
|
|
There will be no Toxic Custard this week.
|
|
|
|
There will be no Toxic Custard this week.
|
|
|
|
- OH. OKAY.
|
|
|
|
There will be no Toxic Custard this week.
|
|
|
|
- I SUPPOSE THAT'S ALL RIGHT THEN. SEEMS FAIR ENOUGH TO ME.
|
|
|
|
Oh for Chrissake. Look, you can have one item, and then I'll expect you
|
|
to shut up!
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
Surname please?
|
|
|
|
- ERM, FRIEDGRASSHOPPER
|
|
|
|
*Douglas* Friedgrasshopper? 24 Buffalodung Drive, South Molehillton?
|
|
|
|
- YEAH.
|
|
|
|
And have you voted already today?
|
|
|
|
- YEAH.
|
|
|
|
Okay, well here's your Senate voting paper and one for the House of
|
|
Rep... pardon?
|
|
|
|
- WELL, I MEAN. YEAH, I VOTED.
|
|
|
|
You voted already?
|
|
|
|
- YEAH. WELL, I VOTED FOR MY MATE. 'COS HE HAD A LONG NIGHT LAST
|
|
NIGHT, AND THEY DON'T EXPECT HIM TO BE CONSCIOUS BEFORE TOMORROW,
|
|
AND I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO GET FINED. THAT'D JUST ADD INSULT TO
|
|
SERIOUS INJURY, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
|
|
|
|
Well I hardly think that makes a difference. You can't vote for someone
|
|
else. He can vote absentee...
|
|
|
|
- YEAH, BUT CAN HE VOTE UNCONSCIOUS? ANYWAY, I KNEW HOW HE WAS
|
|
GOING TO VOTE. "EXTREME LUNATICS FRINGE WHO WANT TO MINE THE
|
|
RAINFORESTS AND KILL THE DOLPHINS AND FEED THEM TO THE RICH"
|
|
PARTY. HE ALWAYS DOES.
|
|
|
|
That makes no difference. Voting for someone else is against the law,
|
|
and a heavy penalty will be enforced.
|
|
|
|
- OH. WELL. SO WHAT HAPPENS NOW THEN?
|
|
|
|
Well, I think unless the author has any more ideas, we finish up right
|
|
around about here.
|
|
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
|
|
Copyright (c) 1993 Daniel Bowen. Though I don't know why he bothered.
|
|
--
|
|
Daniel Bowen, National Telemarketing Centre|
|
|
------Telecom Australia, Burwood, Melbourne| I'm allergic to
|
|
dbowen@vcomtelb.telecom.com.au-------------| the western suburbs.
|
|
------------TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu|
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"Tried and true Toxic Custard"
|
|
|
|
-------- ----- / / ---- Carefully sculpted
|
|
/ ---- / / / / / / / / by Daniel Bowen
|
|
/ / / / / /--- / ---/ / /
|
|
/ --- /-/-/ / / / ----
|
|
TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #140 - 22nd of March 1993
|
|
|
|
It is sometimes surprising, nay devastating that what we laughably,
|
|
even grudgingly entitle "life" can be so widely varied. What am I on
|
|
about? Well, to be perfectly honest, I'm far from certain. The
|
|
manifestations of life come in many... manifestations. And if you don't
|
|
think that's true, then that's your decision, and I for one would
|
|
support you for that decision, no matter how petty minded and moronic
|
|
the brain behind it. We do, after all, have minds. Well, most of us do.
|
|
And it is this fact that is often forgotten when we don't. But the very
|
|
uncertainty of where this paragraph is going does tend to worry many
|
|
people in society. There are those who theorise about its inherent
|
|
usefulness, and other, perhaps wiser souls who theorise about its
|
|
inherent uselessness. But useful or useless, one cannot deny that it
|
|
*is*. Well certainly I can't deny that it *is*, but then to my mind the
|
|
one thing that *isn't* is not something which can be explained away by
|
|
a crack-pot theory like existence. And yet I can feel the very fervour
|
|
of all those people who want to rebel against all this. They want to
|
|
say "what the fuck is this idiot Bowen drivelling about now". And I
|
|
support that too. For it is those feelings that for me give new meaning
|
|
to the word "oblong". I thank you all.
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
THE TOXIC CUSTARD INTERVIEW - HRH QUEEN ELIZABETH II
|
|
|
|
TCWF: Hiya Betty.
|
|
|
|
QE2: [Patronising smile of the type directed at spastic children in a
|
|
sheltered home during a royal visit]
|
|
|
|
TCWF: Hiya. Tell me, in all your monarchical duties, what's the most
|
|
enjoyable thing you do?
|
|
|
|
QE2: Well, I suppose it would have to be all the activities with
|
|
horses. I just love horses. I cried when I saw The Black Stallion,
|
|
you know.
|
|
|
|
TCWF: I can believe it. Tell me, what do you think of the allegations
|
|
in the popular press that you have been having regular sexual
|
|
relations with horses since your early teens? And that members of
|
|
the royal family going back to Charles The First regularly had
|
|
horses as secret visitors to the palace chambers at all hours of
|
|
the night and day. And of the suggestion that Henry The Eighth's
|
|
fourth wife was in fact named "Trotter", a 5 year-old mare, the
|
|
beheading of whom actually inspired that scene in the
|
|
Godfather...
|
|
|
|
QE2: Erm well, I... you do seem to have your finger quite on the
|
|
pulse...
|
|
|
|
TCWF: And further more, what do you say to the claims by a "Sun"
|
|
photographer that he has a colour photograph of you in the Buck
|
|
House gardens performing fellatio with a Stallion named "Big
|
|
Boy"?
|
|
|
|
QE2: Good God. Well, I would challenge you to produce that picture.
|
|
|
|
TCWF: Certainly. Here it is.
|
|
|
|
QE2: Ah, Well. Now look, this is a gross invasion of privacy.
|
|
|
|
TCWF: But your comment on the picture and the allegations themselves?
|
|
|
|
QE2: Well I would refer you to a sermon by the Archbishop of Canterbury
|
|
last month, when he read from Psalms chapter 149:-
|
|
|
|
6 Let the high praises of horse be in their mouth,
|
|
and a twoedged wanger in their hand...
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON...
|
|
Competitions. What a load of crap they are. What do you really think
|
|
the chances of winning one of those ocean liner cruises on a condemned
|
|
ship with 200 elderly German tourists is? 300,000,000 to 1? And for
|
|
this, some company that makes devilled spam really think we're going to
|
|
rush out and buy their product? Too right. Well, it seems to work.
|
|
They've got us conned into buying 700 cheese slices to win a $4 Lego
|
|
toy. Then there's the scheme to get everyone to eat so much Sultana
|
|
Bran that they have to buy double the normal amount of toilet paper,
|
|
just to win a coffee maker - when half of them probably don't drink
|
|
coffee anyway.
|
|
And besides that, what's so special about South Australians that
|
|
they don't have to buy the product to enter? Those gits can just send
|
|
in a drawn replica of the packet... Any logic? Please???
|
|
I've gone right off competitions ever since I won $50 in Tattslotto
|
|
last week. At first, I was rapt. $50! It was only after collecting my
|
|
prize from the newsagent that I suddenly realised that this was the
|
|
first fucking prize I'd ever won in Tattslotto, and that to win it, I'd
|
|
actually spent around $500 in tickets over ten years! Still, it's all
|
|
relative. A old lady neighbour of mine (a nosy old bitch if you ask me,
|
|
always poking her nose in. And her with *that* problem at home...)
|
|
bought tickets every week, year in, year out, same numbers every time.
|
|
Jeez, you'd think after twenty years of not winning more than $5 on the
|
|
same numbers you'd give up and try some other bloody numbers! Anyway,
|
|
last January, she bought her ticket as normal on the Wednesday when she
|
|
went shopping. And come Saturday, the numbers were drawn, and by
|
|
Christ, I swear, every number came up! Every single fucking number!
|
|
With a $3 million prize-pool! A fortune to be had! Only problem was,
|
|
she'd died in her sleep on Friday night.
|
|
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
Your eyeball(s) have been privileged to
|
|
have been viewing another Toxic Custard.
|
|
If any other parts of your body would
|
|
enjoy relations with a pert, succulent
|
|
Toxic Custard back-issue, you might like
|
|
to reply to this message, or email
|
|
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. And I
|
|
promise I'll update the TCWF ftp sites
|
|
soon, guys!
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
Copyright (c) 1993 Daniel Bowen
|
|
--
|
|
Daniel Bowen, National Telemarketing Centre| WHY DID THEY BOTHER...
|
|
------Telecom Australia, Burwood, Melbourne| to put the drum machine
|
|
dbowen@vcomtelb.telecom.com.au-------------| all over that Sonia Dada
|
|
------------TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu| song?
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
the Toxic Custard Workshop Files by Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia
|
|
|
|
Copyright (c) 1993 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without
|
|
profit provided this notice remains intact.
|
|
|
|
For subscription information, contact tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
|
|
|