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____________________________________________________________________________
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*****************************THE BACK ISSUES********************************
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**************PARTS ONE HUNDRED AND ONE TO ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE*************
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(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
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(Send e-mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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Note Quite Late ToxiCustarde
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##### #### | | ##### TOXICE CUSTARDE WORKSHOPE FILESE
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| | | | | #### Numbere 101 - Mondaye twentye-seconde ofe June 1992
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| #### ##### | Writtene bye Daniele Bowene ande Dane Quayle
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Of course, the Dane Quayle incident has brought into perspective a major
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problem of our modern society: the problem of illegiblacy. The luck of
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wrotten skulls in some so called "developed" countries is quiet
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appealing. But did yoo know that 93% of Federal politicians are
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illegible? No, nyther did eye, befour eye red thee damning report on
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educational standards what woz written by someone or other. Illegiblacy
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figures do in fact vary widely amongst the different professions. TCWF
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has made up these exclusive figures, which we are bringing to you, as
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part of our policy of truth no matter what even if we get beaten up in a
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dark alley for saying it by some heavy gangster type who doesn't like the
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truth when it insults the dignity and honour of his mother's catfish:
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- Politicians 93% - Computing students 74%
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- Arts students 99.4% - Authors 95%
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- Arts lecturers 99.8% - People reading this list 93.07%
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- Household pets 100% - People who write train timetables 96%
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- Police 93% - Radio DJs 96%
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Hi there dudes, you're tuned to Dipstick FM, playing the all-old boring
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combination of the best rock of the 60s, 70s, 80s and 90s along with all
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the shit as well. And this is Mick Dickhead with you until 5pm tonight,
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when the decent DJ gets a go at the mike. Until then, stay with us on
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Dipstick FM for a musical load of old crap, and even more of my inane
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comments between the songs. And now on Dipstick FM, here's our tenth
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Bryan Adams track in the last five hours.. this is "Everything I Sing, I
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Sing It To Annoy *You*". Nice one, Bryan...
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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TCWF SURVEY RESULTS
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There were only 16 responses to the Toxic Custard survey in TCWF#99. The
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conclusion that has been reached is that 93.07% of TCWF readers can't
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read. Researchers at the Custard Research Annex Presentiment laboratory
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expect that further survey results will arrive in the coming week, *or
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else*. So further investigation of results has been postponed.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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THE VERY BRIEF AND INCOMPLETE TOXIC GUIDE TO HOLIDAYS IN REVERSE ORDER
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CHRISTMAS (25 December) - celebrates Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the
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exact birthdate of whom is unknown. Many celebators dress up as big fat
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men with beards during this time. Scholars believe this is an attempt
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at frightening the kids into going to bed early.
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CUSTARD DAY (13 August) - when people all over the world show their
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complete indifference to the anniversary of the first Toxic Custard in
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1990 by failing to celebrate in any way whatsoever.
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EASTER (somewhere around March or April or sometime whenever the monks
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decided it was going to be this year. Jeez, must be a pain for people
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who make diaries) - celebrates the glory of Pilutder and Yrubdac, the
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Roman Gods of chocolate and long weekends with lots of football.
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SHROVE TUESDAY (ditto, I think. Actually, who knows?) - the day when
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people stuff themselves with pancakes, and get well and truly shriven.
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AUSTRALIA (26th January) - a day when the patriotic members of Australian
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society celebrate all that is great about Australia, and the little that
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is great about Australian history, by having a barbecue, getting drunk
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and getting breath-tested and arrested on the way home.
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NEW YEAR'S DAY (1st January) - time to recover from New Year's Eve.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Welcome back to Dipstick FM. This is Mick Dickhead with you, and let's
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take some calls. And first on the line is Geoff from Wantirna... how are
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you, Geoff?
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- I'm good thanks Mick. How're you?
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I'm as great as a shitty DJ can be, Geoff. Now, what are you calling for?
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- Well gee Mick, I guess I dunno.
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Fantastic. And now let's go on to our next caller, it's Wayne from
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Footscray - what a dump! Whatssup, Wayne?
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- Hi Mick. I'm just calling to say you're a complete fuckwit.
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That's great Wayne! Love you too. And Wayne, don't hangup, because you're
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a Dipstick FM **WINNER**!! As the fiftieth person to air those sentiments
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on the radio in the last five weeks, we'll be pleased to send you a
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complimentary Dipstick FM full-colour stereo-vision wart remover! Whoa,
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hold on to your hats, listeners.. and be a Dipstick FM **WINNER**!! Next
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on the line is mum. What's your beef?
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- Mick, you're dinner's ready.
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Okay mum, I'll be right there.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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That's about all of this week's Toxic Custard.
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We hope you'll join us next time, when you'll
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hear Daniel Bowen say "That's about all of
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this.." (etc). Those of you who are suicidal
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enough to want to read old ToxiCustardWork-
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shopFiles may wish to stick around long
|
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enough to read that details about back-issues
|
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are available by replying to this message, or
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sending mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Copyright (C) 1992 Daniel Bowen
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--
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Daniel Bowen, Monash University,-------/
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Melbourne, Australia------------------/ World's biggest cat
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daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au---------/ does world's biggest dropping!
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TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----/
|
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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Squashed And Toxic Apple Nightmares!
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| --- . -- ---- TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
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|---- ---- | | | | | | | ___| Numero a hundred and two
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| | | | | |-- | | | | 29th of June, 1992
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---- ---- - - | | -- ---- Written by Daniel Bowen
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Ace heavy metal band and generally destructive type people Megabogue
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went on trial early last week. They'd been accused of putting
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subliminal messages on their albums, thinly disguised in the backwards
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speech between and during tracks (See TCWF 20) which has caused the
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proliferation of suicidal tendencies in their fans.
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The charges of Incitement To Murder With Blood Gushing All Over The
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Place were made by Mrs Mabel Redneck, who claimed that her son, Ray, D
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had hacked himself to death with the family potato peeler. It was not, e
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she said, "a pretty sight. And the fries were awfully red that night." a
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But the family did find solace in the reduced supermarket costs since r
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the suicide. "We all regularly praise God for this miracle", she added.
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o
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Justice Clancy Oldfart in the Supreme Court ruled that the jury hearing h
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the case would have to hear the entire album, both forwards and
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backwards, as well as back-to-front and upside-down. A spokesman for d
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MoccaSIN records gladly supplied sample tapes and albums, and commented e
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that thank Christ the trial had brought some much needed publicity to a
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the band. Ace Megabogue guitarist Harry "headbanger" Wall was quoted as r
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saying "fuck off" to anyone who so much as breathed in his direction. ,
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After some three hours of listening to Megabogue music, the jury i
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retired to a tiny little iddy-biddy room to consider the evidence. When t
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nothing was heard by the evening, a check by a courtroom official found
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that they had all decapitated themselves in the jury room with a b
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concealed meat-cleaver, and the judge declared a mis-trial, as was his e
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wont. a
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t
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Mrs Redneck and her family left the court speedily and without comment, s
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bound for a church memorial service to the slowing sales of the local
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vicar the Reverend Skilbey's "Sing-a-hymn-for-Him" album. m
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e
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Megabogue Inc. declared their complete innocence, appealed for calm
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amongst their fans, and asked that the public be allowed to purchase w
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as many of their records as is humanly possible. Ace drummer Slasher h
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Rists said from his wheelchair that "the fuckin' law ain't gonna y
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fuckin' nail us to the fuckin' wall for this. Why should we fuckin'
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get into fuckin' trouble for this fuckin' kid fuckin' toppin' himself, y
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when there's probably fuckin' thousands more we ain't fuckin' heard o
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about yet!" u
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The band rushed out their new single, "Sing Anything To Add Nonsense" p
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to take full advantage of the publicity, and, commented ace bass e
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guitarist Bonk Mee, "to make a helluva load of money." Ace rhythm o
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guitarist Vimmy "The Thorn" Halen added that "you should buy our bloody p
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records, or else." l
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e
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Here, exclusive to Toxic Custard readers, are the lyrics to the new l
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Megabogue hit (they hope), "Sing Anything To Add Nonsense". i
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k
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e
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SING ANYTHING TO ADD NONSENSE by Slasher Rists
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s
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What do the fans know? i
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What do they care? d
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Slash lost his limbs e
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Playing Truth or Dare w
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a
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Those gits know sod all y
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They're all brainless twats s
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They listen to our music
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Then go mad with an axe m
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e
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CHORUS: s
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Sing anything to add nonsense s
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We sing anything we like a
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Sing anything to add nonsense g
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'Cos we're fed up with these mikes e
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s
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They play this stuff backwards
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Why play it at all? s
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As long as they pay us o
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We don't mind at all
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m
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Who cares for Christianity u
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We certainly don't c
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And when you've heard this song h
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You probably won't .
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.
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CHORUS 2: .
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Sing anything to add nonsense
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Don't matter what the words are
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Sing anything to add nonsense
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Can you still see the scars?
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'Cos Natas is everything
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Take it from us
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Natas will see yer right
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When you bite the dust
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So what do you wait for?
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It's great to be dead
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Pick up that axe Eugene
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And chop off your head
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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That's all for this week. And if you think writing
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another Megabogue song was a good way of copping-out
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by writing more lines faster, you're completely
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right. So what? Your reading loss, my time gin. I
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mean gain.
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Provided I don't get "discovered" in the next
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seven days, Toxic Custard will be back this time next
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week. Back-issues are still available for absolutely
|
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positively probably no cost whatsoever. For details,
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send email to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
|
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
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Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
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--
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Daniel Bowen, Monash University,---/ S w m a s
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Melbourne, Australia--------------/ i a e g u
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daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au-----/ d y s e c
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TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-/ e s s s k
|
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|
_______________________________________________________________________________
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Something Something Toxic Custard
|
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___
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\__ ___ \ Toxic Custard Workshop Files
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\ \ \ \ \__ Number 103 - 6th of July 1992
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\ \___ \__\__\ \ Written by Daniel Bowen
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Hello and welcome to the one-hundred and third Toxic Custard. And this
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Toxic Custard is an attempt to enter the Guinness Book of World Records I
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- we are going to try and bring you the *fastest* Toxic Custard ever
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written. It began at 9:26pm Sunday the 5th of July, Australian time, f
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and a quick check with the experts tells us that it's already into its i
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twelfth line after only three and a half minutes. At this rate, it n
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should take just under an hour to get to the TCWF regulation length d
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maximum of 124 lines. Why 124 lines? Well, it's a secret. We'll be back
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with more of this amazing record breaking attempt after this bit: i
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
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MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... r
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Shopping. Oh the cruel twist of fate that sees us struggling to control e
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shopping trolleys around the supermarket on Saturday afternoon. Piled a
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high with red spot superdooper mega specials for one week only which no l
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other supermarket within a ten metre radius can match. l
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So every week we steer the trolley down the aisles, dodging the y
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stupid little twerps who've been given the "Junior Shopper" trolleys.
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What an epitaph. It's a warning. They'd freak if they knew just how o
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much of their lives and how much of their money would be spent in d
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supermarkets when they got tall enough to push the demonic anarchistic d
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vicious bastard trolleys from hell the rest of us have to put up with.
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You also have to steer around the legions of little old men in t
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dirty patched jackets who are at the "1Kg bag of carrots only 79 h
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cents!" display, busily moving back and forth from the scales, weighing a
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every bag to see which one has the most carrots. They probably aren't t
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even that crazy about carrots.
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Gradually the shopping list the size of a telephone book starts to s
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look more satisfactory, as items get marked off, until you realise that o
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there's no way you can find the can of Continental Cook'n'Eat Cream of
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Potato-Leek Chunky Economy-size soup that you've always wanted. They m
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probably changed the colour of the label and you don't recognise it. a
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Finally, just when you think the ordeal is over and you think you n
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can escape, comes the CHECK-OUT. Of course, you noticed earlier during y
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your shopping that the check-outs weren't very crowded. Now it's
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naturally a completely different story. The crowds around the only p
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three open check-outs resemble those old films of people outside the e
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hotels where the Beatles stayed in 1964. And the pace of the poor o
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deluded poverty stricken teenagers who are so poor they have to work p
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here is slower than the pace of a snail on a slow-motion replay of the l
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final of the North Laverton Turnip Planter's League competition of e
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1985.
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It's not that I'm sexist of course, but I try and get a girl on the w
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check-out, since the boys on check-outs have invariably been kidnapped a
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from the stores department where they don't need brains, they just need n
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to recognise an empty shelf and what the hell is meant to go on it. t
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I won't even talk about the dreaded "priiiiice check!"
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And of course the compulsory scratch, sniff, collect, spend and win t
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competition cards. Which compel all members of the human race to shop h
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there and collect little cards which they drop behind the fridge never e
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to be seen again. I often consider behind the fridge to be the last s
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frontier eluding the grasp of man. We've explored the moon, we're e
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getting up to the planets as soon as we've built a rocket big enough,
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we've mastered the bits of the sea we're not dropping barrels of waste s
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into, and the north and south poles are a doddle, but does humanity as i
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a whole really know what's behind the fridge? d
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e
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - w
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a
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Fantastic! Well, it's 9:46pm and we're down to the sixty-fourth line of y
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this week's record-breaking Toxic Custard! Those of you who would claim s
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that the speed of writing is in some way effecting the humour can of
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course go sod off and bury yourself in a vat of man-eating worms with t
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hepatitis. Meanwhile, we'll keep right on going with this: h
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - i
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n
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Hey folks! Sick of paying <insert exorbitant price here> for your g
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favourite music?! Then you should quite definitely join the s
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T O X I C M U S I C D I R E C T S A V E R C L U B !
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b
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It's the newest and liveliest music club, whatever that's meant to a
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mean. What's even better is, it's absolutely not affiliated with the c
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Toxic Direct Music Saver Club you've been reading about in the k
|
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newspapers and watching on "The Investigators" lately. By joining .
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TMDSC, you can build your collection of music so it literally bulges
|
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out of your house and down the road, and what's more, every month we B
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show you a new and exciting way to smash through your credit limit! u
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|
t
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And as an introductory offer to fool you into joining our club, we're
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offering dozens of CDs at the amazing price of <insert super bargain s
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really cheap price here>!! We GUARANTEE that you already have all the o
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half decent ones in your collection, but we are determined to get rid
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of all the other crap NOW! And if you join now, we'll throw in, at no b
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extra cost, a free and very useless head cleaner that fell off the back e
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of a lorry. It's worth $9.95! And now it's FREE! You'll never need
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anything to lose somewhere down the back of the stereo amongst all the i
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wires and old cassettes again! t
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.
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So, join now! Every two months you'll receive a free copy of the club's
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full colour four page catalogue err magazine that gives a raving review H
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of every product offered, no matter how bad it is. Yes, Toxic Music o
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Direct Saver Club is a music store in your own home. By joining, you'll o
|
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have the luxury of shopping at home, without ever having to see the r
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album cover, read the sleeve notes, listen to a couple of songs on the a
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headphones, or any of those tedious things we all hate doing in record y
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shops. So join now - Toxic Music Direct Saver Club - the music club ,
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that makes us more.
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y
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - i
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p
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Well, we're fast nearing that magic 124th line, so let's get on with e
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the formalities and then we can check our stop watches! e
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|
,
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|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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|
That's (almost) all of this week's Toxic Custard, e
|
|
so bugger off and read something else. Back-issues t
|
|
are still available for those who can be bothered c
|
|
getting off their bums and replying to this, or .
|
|
emailing tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details.
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
|
|
--
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Monash University,---/ The only people who ever
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|
Melbourne, Australia--------------/ use the word "Antipodes"
|
|
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au-----/ are those who don't live
|
|
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-/ here.
|
|
|
|
10:18pm and TCWF is written. It jist hast obe roofread and thenits finsihed.
|
|
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
Mind numblingly Toxic Custard
|
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|
|
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* * * ***** * * * ****** ***** TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
|
|
* * * * * * * * * * Number 104 - 13th July 1992
|
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***** * * ***** * * ***** * * *
|
|
* * * * * * * * * * * Written by Daniel Bowen O
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|
* *** ***** ***** * * ****** *** n
|
|
c
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|
BUY A BURGLAR ALARM TODAY! e
|
|
BUY THE NEW "DAYLIGHT ROBBERY" BURGLAR ALARM!
|
|
a
|
|
- Installs easily in your house, with only ten hours scurrying around g
|
|
the skirtingboard with a mass of colourful spaghetti wiring followed by a
|
|
as many desperate phonecalls to the electrician as you have the i
|
|
strength for n
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|
- Instantly warns when the cat is detected coming back from having a
|
|
crap in the garden t
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|
- Goes off constantly when you're out, annoying the neighbours h
|
|
- Loud enough to piss off people who live nearby, and quiet enough not e
|
|
to be heard by passing police patrols
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|
- Not recognised by any known insurance companies f
|
|
- Fails completely to operate when your house actually gets burgled a
|
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t
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a
|
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l
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|
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON...
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Caps. What is it with these American basketcase ball caps the kids are f
|
|
all wearing? You know, the ones with New York Yankees, LA Looters, San i
|
|
Francisco Shakers, and all that. One I saw proclaimed "Cincinatti n
|
|
Reds". What sort of a lefty baseball team is that? What are they over g
|
|
there, commo? Lefto... Pinko... Ohio... Alcoholo... Bozo.. Groucho, e
|
|
Harpo, Marco Polo, and all that. r
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|
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|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - o
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f
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T H E M E N U
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f
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|
BREAKFAST a
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|
--------- t
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|
e
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|
SAUSAGES AND EGG SPECIAL: Half a sausage, some bacon fat and an
|
|
unhatched chicken fried for two minutes together with the f
|
|
caffeine of your choice .................................... $6.95 u
|
|
c
|
|
CEREAL BREAKFAST: All the tiny crumbs from down the bottom of k
|
|
the cereal box plus bonus freshly squeezed cow juice, *AND* s
|
|
spoon provided at no extra cost ............................ $1.95
|
|
u
|
|
TOAST: Bits of bread burnt to a crisp with a luscious spread p
|
|
of yellowish stuff on the top .............................. $1.85
|
|
a
|
|
FOOD FOR THE CIVILISED AMONGST US WHO AREN'T ALIVE BEFORE MIDDAY n
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------- d
|
|
|
|
MARINATED KEBABS: Two tender bits off a cow, thrown into the s
|
|
microwave for ten minutes until well and truly charcoaled e
|
|
and radioactive, served with a bunch of potato bits cut n
|
|
into smaller bits and a dollop of tomato sauce ............. $8.95 d
|
|
s
|
|
SPARE RIBS: Five delicious ribs off a cow with the minimum
|
|
of meat, grilled over a slow heat for five minutes and m
|
|
served with a big baked potato on a plate .................. $7.50 e
|
|
|
|
AMERICAN STYLE SPARE RIBS: Five delicious ribs off a cow s
|
|
with the minimum of meat, grilled over a slow heat for p
|
|
five minutes and served with a big baked potato on a plate i
|
|
stolen from the Hyatt Regency Los Angeles ................. $10.50 n
|
|
n
|
|
SUPER HOT DOG: Twelve inches of moist firm sausage in a bun ..... $4.50 i
|
|
n
|
|
FISH AND CHIPS: One and a half fish fingers, straight from the g
|
|
packet with a dozen huge sized French fries. I&J's finest!.. $8.95
|
|
i
|
|
BLOODY BIG BURGER WITH THE LOT: A toasted bun cut in half, n
|
|
with sesame seeds which have all fallen off sprinkled on t
|
|
top, a coating of delicious margarine, a super-fine slice o
|
|
of all Aussie condemned beef, and all the leftovers from
|
|
yesterday we can find ...................................... $5.50 t
|
|
h
|
|
PIZZA: What do you think this is, bloody Pizza Hut? Piss off! e
|
|
|
|
PASTA: A bunch of long floppy Italian stuff in meat sauce, s
|
|
direct to you from the supermarket frozen food section...... $7.25 i
|
|
d
|
|
SOUP OF THE DAY: Well, yesterday to be precise .................. $3.75 e
|
|
w
|
|
DRUMSTICK: We especially breed mutated chickens with eight legs a
|
|
each to help cater for the legions of gullible people who y
|
|
ask for this delicacy. Leg off a chicken cooked with a load s
|
|
of unidentifiable gunk sprinkled over it ................... $4.95
|
|
w
|
|
CHICKEN BREAST: A succulent piece of breast you can really get o
|
|
your lips around ........................................... $4.50 r
|
|
l
|
|
CHICKEN SURPRISE: All the other bits of the chook we have left d
|
|
over. Guts optional......................................... $1.95
|
|
o
|
|
DRINKS f
|
|
------
|
|
c
|
|
COFFEE: Concentrated caffeine in a mug with some water .......... $1.50 r
|
|
u
|
|
TEA: Some weed we got from a bloke in Flinders Lane one d
|
|
Saturday night served in a cup with some boiled H2O ........ $1.50 .
|
|
|
|
CAPPUCINO: Like the coffee, but fifty cents extra ............... $2.00 O
|
|
r
|
|
CAFE LATTE: Like the cappucino, but fifty cents extra ........... $2.50
|
|
s
|
|
*NOTE: Cutlery, politeness and untardiness charges apply* o
|
|
m
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e
|
|
That's enough of this gunk for this week. t
|
|
Toxic Custard returns next week, and if h
|
|
you're really unlucky enough to be around i
|
|
for it, tough. Back-issues are still n
|
|
available for those of you stupid enough g
|
|
to ask at tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu Or reply
|
|
to this message. Toodleloo. .yawyna ,taht ekil
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
|
|
--
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Monash University,---/ Isn't annoying how you get those
|
|
Melbourne, Australia--------------/ bits of stuff between your toes?
|
|
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au-----/ Why doesn't someone invent some
|
|
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-/ podiatral floss?
|
|
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
Just as well it's Toxic Custard
|
|
|
|
|
|
##################
|
|
==================
|
|
==## %% $$$$$$$$%%$$$$$$
|
|
==## %% $$ %%
|
|
==## %% $$%%$$$$%%$$
|
|
======%%==$$%%====%%
|
|
%%%%%%%%%%%%%
|
|
_______________$$_______________
|
|
| "Toxico Imparo Virules Thingo" |
|
|
|________________________________|
|
|
|
|
The one hundred and fifth
|
|
Toxic Custard Workshop Files
|
|
Presented to the public at large on the twentieth day of July
|
|
in the year of our LORD nineteen-hundred and ninety-two
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
HI, YOU'VE REACHED THE ROMMELS ON 123-4567. 'COS WE HAVE THIS STUPID
|
|
PHONE-NUMBER, WE KNOW YOU'RE PROBABLY A LITTLE KID LEARNING TO COUNT
|
|
WHO'S TRYING TO PRACTICE ON THE PHONE, OR A PRANKSTER TRYING TO FIND G
|
|
OUT WHO HAS THIS PHONE NUMBER. WELL, YOU'VE GOT OUR ANSWERING MACHINE, o
|
|
AS WE'RE SICK OF ANSWERING TO YOU TWERPS ALL THE TIME. IF YOU REALLY o
|
|
WANT TO TALK TO US, LEAVE A MESSAGE AND WE'LL EITHER CALL BACK WHEN AND d
|
|
IF WE CAN BE BOTHERED, OR INTERRUPT YOU SUDDENLY JUST BEFORE YOU HANG
|
|
UP, IF WE HAVE THE ENERGY TO GET OVER TO THE PHONE IN TIME. <Beep!> s
|
|
o
|
|
Duh, hi Mick. This is Tezza. I'm just like leaving a message on yer m
|
|
machine. Can ya call me back? And if I'm not here, I'll be somewhere e
|
|
else. Cheers mate, bye. t
|
|
- - h
|
|
i
|
|
DUH, HI, YOU'VE REACHED TEZZA CARLSON'S PHONE. TEZZA'S EITHER OUT OF n
|
|
THE HOUSE OR OUT OF HIS HEAD RIGHT NOW, SO JUST LEAVE A MESSAGE, OKAY? g
|
|
<Beep!>
|
|
a
|
|
Hi Tezza. This is Mick here, returning your call. Can you call me back s
|
|
sometime? Hey, did you see the Cats on Sunday? Heh heh. Oh, don't
|
|
forget you owe me a beer. Seeya. t
|
|
- - h
|
|
e
|
|
HI, YOU'VE REACHED THE ROMMELS AGAIN. WE GOT COMPLAINTS FROM PRANKSTERS
|
|
CALLING LONG-DISTANCE THAT OUR ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGE WAS TOO LONG, c
|
|
SO WE'VE CUT IT DOWN A BIT. SO, EITHER SOD OFF OR LEAVE A MESSAGE. a
|
|
<Beep!> s
|
|
e
|
|
Duh, Hi, this is Tezza again leaving a message for Mick. Yeah Mick, the
|
|
Cats were good. Who won, anyway? You know me Mick, I'm not too good wiv m
|
|
numbers. And that beer - well, I thought you owed it to me, tosspot. a
|
|
Call me back. Bye. y
|
|
- -
|
|
b
|
|
DUH HI, YOU'VE REACHED TEZZA. HE'S OUT SPRAYING PHONE-BOXES RIGHT NOW, e
|
|
SO IF YOU COULD LEAVE A MESSAGE, HE'LL GET BACK TO YOU. <Beep!>
|
|
a
|
|
Yo Tezza, this is Mick. Don't spray the box in Ralton Parade, okay? I n
|
|
use it for phoning the TAB. I forget who won the game, mate. One team d
|
|
or the other, it usually is. See that umpire though? What a dickhead.
|
|
Just 'cos one bloke punched the other bloke in the face. So sure he s
|
|
ended up in hospital with a concussion and a bruised brain and injuries o
|
|
to his eye, but hell, it's part of the game, innit. You could be right m
|
|
about the beer, I don't remember. But I do remember that thing what you e
|
|
borrowed off me. So could you get it back to me pronto, 'cos I need to t
|
|
use it. h
|
|
- - i
|
|
n
|
|
YES, YOUR FINGERS HAVE COUNTED TO SEVEN AND YOU'VE REACHED US. NOW g
|
|
CONGRATULATE YOURSELF AND HANG-UP, OR SPEAK AFTER THE TOME. <Beep!>
|
|
e
|
|
Duh hi Mick, this is Tezza again. I don't know how come I never get to l
|
|
speak to you, but I remember what I borrowed off you what you wanted s
|
|
back. Yeah. It was the manual to your answering machine. Don't worry e
|
|
about the umpy mate, me and the lads from down the road saw him after
|
|
the match in the carpark and congratulated him. We managed to get rid t
|
|
of the crowbar down the canal. Seeya. w
|
|
- - o
|
|
.
|
|
DUH, THIS IS TEZZA'S ANSWERING MACHINE. HE'S OUT MUGGING OLD LADIES AND
|
|
TAKING THEIR PENSION CARDS RIGHT NOW, BUT LEAVE A MESSAGE AND HE'LL GET W
|
|
BACK TO YER. <Beep!> h
|
|
a
|
|
Hi Tezza. Yeah, I need that manual back. I can't turn off my answering t
|
|
machine. And I don't know which button to press to answer the phone
|
|
when I pick it up. I can change the message, call back, but I can't a
|
|
turn the bloody thing off or answer. Any ideas? Call me back. m
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I
|
|
|
|
The latest news is that a Qantas jumbo-jet flying over the Pacific has o
|
|
made radio contact with a US Navy ship and threatened to drop twenty n
|
|
hours worth of toilet waste on them unless they met the Qantas pilot's
|
|
conditions, which were: a
|
|
* that the ship immediately change course b
|
|
* that the ship's captain sing the Mickey Mouse club theme song ten o
|
|
times over international distress call frequencies u
|
|
* that the ship's crew dance the polka naked from the waist down t
|
|
while sailing into Pearl Harbor (sic) ?
|
|
and * the entire US Defense (sic) department and services staff, and
|
|
the President of the United States be placed on special rations of W
|
|
pigs' snot for the next three weeks e
|
|
l
|
|
No decision had been made about the demands at the last report, but l
|
|
Presidential staff were said to have been chewing it over. No comment
|
|
was made about rumours that White House chef of staff Walton h
|
|
Eagleburger had been seen at the local store ordering pigs' snot. o
|
|
Although a White House sauce said that Eagleburger was also Washington w
|
|
DC district purchaser for Kentucky Fried Chicken, which would explain
|
|
his behaviour. He also said that President Bush drew the line at s
|
|
broccoli, but that he was quite impartial to the smell of pigs' snot in h
|
|
the morning. o
|
|
u
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ l
|
|
You've thankfully reached the rear-end of another batch d
|
|
of Toxic Custard. If you'd like to view previous
|
|
Custards, send a self-stamped and addressed envelope by I
|
|
email to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu, and we'll send you the
|
|
details back by return of post. k
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ n
|
|
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen o
|
|
-- ____ w
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Monash University,---/ ___/ __\_> ?
|
|
Melbourne, Australia--------------/ / /
|
|
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au-----/ \
|
|
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-/ AUSTRALIAN W(R)IT
|
|
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
|
|
|
|
--
|
|
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen. All rights reserved.
|
|
May be copied or reproduced without permission
|
|
provided this notice remains intact.
|
|
--
|
|
Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are
|
|
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
|
|
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
|
|
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]
|
|
|
|
|