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____________________________________________________________________________
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***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
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*******************PARTS SEVENTY-ONE TO SEVENTY-FIVE************************
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(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
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(Send e-mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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Just A Little Toxic Custard
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- Told you it would shrink.
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-- Yeah yeah, okay, you're right. You should never mix exams with custard.
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- Yep. So, will you do the announcement, or shall I?
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-- You can do it
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- Okay. Where's that shift-lock key?
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LADIES AND GENTLEMAN. DUE TO THE AUTHOR BEING Y
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IN THE MIDDLE OF EXAMS, THIS WEEK TOXIC CUSTARD e
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WILL BE A SPECIAL *MINIATURE* EDITION. s
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***** *** * * **** ***** ** TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES f
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* * * * * * * NUMBER 71 - 18TH NOVEMBER 1991 o
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M*I N*I A T U*R*E* ***E D I T*I O*N ------------------------------- l
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* *** * * * * *** Written by Daniel Bowen k
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s
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Housewives - sick of tidying up the house? Well, nail down anything ,
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you want to keep.. 'cos here comes SUPER VACUUM! Especially designed
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for that lazy git of a husband, it will suck up anything and everything t
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within a ten metre radius of the suction hose. SUPER VACUUM is now h
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used on drugs raids - it never fails to suck up all the stuff! a
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Available exclusively from SUPER VACUUM Ltd- SV Nails.. the only t
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reinforced super-strength nails guaranteed to hold the furniture '
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down. Also protection against nuclear blasts (though the objects s
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themselves may well disintegrate).
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r
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SUPER VACUUM - You will believe a man can clean. i
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - g
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h
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RICHARD III - ACT 4, SCENE 2: London, The Palace t
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:
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*Grammy award-winning Sennet. Enter Richard, in pomp, crowned;
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Buckingham, Catesby, a Page, and others* A
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KING RICHARD: Stand all apart. Cousin of Buckingham! b
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i
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BUCKINGHAM: My gracious handsome sovereign! g
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KING RICHARD: Give me thy hand, sweetie. 3
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5
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*Trumpets sound and the court looks embarassed as he ascends the %
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throne and puts a coin in the condom machine*
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o
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KING RICHARD: Thus high, by thy advice and contacts, f
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And thy assistance, is King Richard out of his skull: f
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But shall we wear this cool skin for a day?
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Or shall it last, and we rejoice in them? a
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l
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BUCKINGHAM: Still protect they and for ever let them last! l
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KING RICHARD: Ah Buckingham, now do I play the touch, T
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To try if thou wouldst come back to my place: o
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I forget my line; think now what I would speak. x
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i
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BUCKINGHAM: Say on, my loving lord. c
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KING RICHARD: Why, Buckingham, I saw I would be king. C
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u
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BUCKINGHAM: Why, so you are, my well-endowed lord. s
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t
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KING RICHARD: Enough of this palace, come with me Buck, a
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We'll go back to my castle and both have a r
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d
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ s
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Well, we'll throw TCWF onto the rack and
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make sure it's stretched to a decent size t
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by next Monday. Have a good week. h
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i
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s
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Next week in Toxic Custard, we'll be interviewing at St Nick..
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Satan.. Lucifer.. yes, the devil himself. And asking the question.. w
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Does the Prince of Darkness suffer from nyctophobia? e
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-- e
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Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen k
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--
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Daniel Bowen, in the middle of exams at | o
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Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | Solar flares are n
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edb134tbp2@vx24.cc.monash.edu.au | still in fashion. l
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---Toxic Custard: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu---| y
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!
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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Frozen Toxic Custard Concentrate
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-----
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--------------------------- |7|2|
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| TOXIC CUSTARD | -----
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|via Malady and Berk Roads|
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---------------------------
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KURDISTAN ARMY CHANT
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We are tough and we are mean (we are tough and we are mean) W
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The crimes against us are obscene (crimes against us are obscene) e
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It's Saddam- One and us Kurds- Nil (Saddam- One and us Kurds- Nil) l
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If we don't stop him no-one will (we don't stop him no-one will) l
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Who will? (Who will?) We will. (We will). U.N.? (No chance) ,
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Allies fought and saved Kuwait (Allies fought and saved Kuwait) t
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Saddam beaten? Give me a break (Saddam beaten? ...me a break) h
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We run round and yell this chant (we run round and yell this chant) a
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And don't you love our baggy pants? (don't you love our baggy pants?) n
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Who does? (Who does?) You does. (You does?) Do you? (Oh yeah!) k
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Patriots saved the Jews from Scuds ('triots saved the Jews from Scuds) G
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But we're still cold and eating mud (we're still cold and eating mud) o
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So spare a thought for us poor Kurds (spare a thought for us poor Kurds) d
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We'll stop now, we're out of words (we'll stop now, we're out of words)
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Who are? (Who are?) We are. (We are?) Are we? (Oh, good!) t
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - h
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o
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The new, some would say revolutionary, plans for the economy put s
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forward by Federal Opposition leader John Whatsisname last week were e
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leaked early by the Government. In fact the Government had planned to
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replace the front cover of the document with a page saying "Written e
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And Prepared By That Brilliant And Incredible All-Australian MAN The x
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Prime Minister Bob Hawke Corr Blimey He's Good At Cricket", in an a
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attempt to pass off the document as the Government's own. But someone m
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forgot. s
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Anyway, included in the document are many plans to irrevocably
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change this country (Overseas readers, please read "that country down a
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under where the kangaroos and stuff live"): r
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- encouraging people to save by making everything so expensive e
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they can't afford to buy anything
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- tax cuts, with an added bonus of the public stoning of o
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Australian Taxation Department officials v
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- a system to ensure that jobs go to rich people (P.F.D - Positive e
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Ferrari Discrimination) r
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- compulsory reading of Toxic Custard for all citizens earning ,
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less than $40,000 a year and not driving expensive
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European cars a
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This last move has been widely condemned by humanitarian n
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organisations. World governments also reacted. US Vice-President Dan d
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Quayle made an impassioned plea, saying "I've read this stuff, and
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even I can't understand it." An Indonesian Government spokesman said I
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"And you thought *we* were bad." And Saddam Hussein phoned to ask
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where he could get a copy of the files, and to approve of the whole c
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plan. He's been using it for years, apparently. a
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - n
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As soon as Popsicle and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence had worked out g
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where they were going to, they went there. By asking themselves deep e
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and penetrating questions, they worked out that they were going to the t
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site of a recent nutmeg-related incident, in an effort to track down
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the dealers. b
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Popsicle left the Inspector to guard the car, and, after placing a a
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"Beware of the Policeman" sign on the windscreen, went to talk to some c
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of the neighbours. He made sure he was looking butch and knocked on k
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the door of Mrs Irene Busybody. The noise of the Super Vacuum (tm)
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stopped, and the house stopped shaking. The door opened, and out t
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looked Mrs Busybody, the very image of primness in her thick dressing o
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gown, moccasins, hair-curlers and moustache.
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"What the hell do you want?" t
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"Just a few questions about the murder last night, madam", replied h
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Popsicle in his best I-know-very-well-she'll-blab-to-the-media voice. e
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"Oh yeah? Well, it was only one of those students. I'd hang the
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lot of them. With their sex, drugs, rock'n'roll and all that i
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late-night studying. They should piss off back to their universities m
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and never come back. Parasites on society, that's what they are. Going p
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around having more fun than the rest of us. Shameful, that's what I o
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call it. Shameful. And you know who I blame? Bloody immigrants, that's r
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who. They've come over to live here.. why don't they stay at home and t
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be oppressed there, like everyone else is? They come over to live a
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here, and get all the cushy easy unskilled jobs, like welding car n
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parts, or falling off oil platforms. They get all the unskilled jobs, t
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and the students think 'Oh, bugger that, I'll have to get smarter
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before I try for a job.' So they go to bloody university and try and t
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get smarter.. lost cause, I reckon. You're either thick when you're h
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born, like my husband Fred, or you're smart, like me. Bloody students. i
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Bloody immigrants! I'll tell you who I blame for all those foreigners n
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coming over, too. Journalists. Scumbag filthy bloody journalists. If g
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no-one knew about governments going around massacring innocent people, s
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they'd never let those filthy foreigners into the country. With their
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filthy fucking foreign food full of worms and mud and pasta and rice i
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and crap like that. Criminal, I call it. You know they just opened a n
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Chinese restaurant down the street? I called up my friends on the
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phone, bloody Telecom phones, they're hopeless.. I called up my l
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friends and we're organising a Filthy Red Chinese Food Out Of i
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Ignoramus Street rally next week. We rang up the Fascist Fuckwits f
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Federation; they said they'd help. Those foreigners, they can take e
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their fried rice and piss off back to their own countries, that's what .
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they can do. Anyway, what's the question?"
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"Well", said Popsicle. "I was just wondering if you knew anything S
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about who might have killed the dead nutmeg addict." u
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"Oh that's easy", said Mrs Busybody. "It was one of you coppers c
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that belted him over the head too hard during the raid yesterday. Good h
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job too. One less student in the world. Fred!" she called. "Start 'er
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up again!" And she slammed the door as the house began to shake again. a
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Popsicle went back to the car considering early retirement, and s
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found Inspector Unnecessary-Violence, who had by now recognised where
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he was and was trying to look as if he'd never been there before. .
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.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ .
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Popsicle will continue sometime before the end of
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time. TCWF will be back next week. Back-issues are u
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available; send e-mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for m
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details. Does anyone want to hear about Rocket m
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Roger (rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu)? No? I thought .
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not. The author of that won't be surprised. .
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ .
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Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen e
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-- r
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Daniel Bowen, Monash University | r
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Melbourne, Australia------------| The boy stood on the burning deck .
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edb134tbp2@vx24.cc.monash.edu.au| "No more cards", his mother said. .
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====TCWF tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu====| .
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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Original Rivetted Toxic Custard
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__ _ __ __
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| | \ |__| | Number 73 - 2nd December 1991
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TOXI| CUSTAR| | WORKSHO| FILE|__ Badly written by Daniel Bowen
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|__ |_/ | __|.................................
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Freedom of speech is a wonderful thing. I'm proud to say that the Toxic A
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Custard Workshop Files is not subject to any censorship whatsoever. So, n
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if I want to say that the ********** sucks, or that the **** ******* d
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***** ********** ****** with cabbages, I can. Not to mention the
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University. Personally, I never believed that the Vice-Chancellor y
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********** ***** **** ******* **** sheep. But apparently it's true. e
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a
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,
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MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON...
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t
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The Recession. Government? What have the bloody government got to do h
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with economics? Stuff all, I reckon. I mean, I know the government are e
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a bunch of idiots who pretend to run the country - and we pay them for y
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the privilege, but in fact they don't run anything. All they do is
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stand around in their big Houses of Parliament... why the hell is it d
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HouseS.. plural.. there's only one of them. I've seen it on the telly.. i
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one big huge humungous building that cost zillions. They stand around d
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in their House of Parliament .. well, they sit, mostly, the lazy gits,
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and they argue with each other all the time. I've seen that on the v
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telly, too. And for that they get paid loads of money. Anyway, do you e
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want to know who I blame for the recession? Do you? Oh, you don't, r
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okay. Well, I'm gonna bloody tell you anyway. It's not the government. i
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It's not the stock market people either - those yuppie gits in their l
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striped shirts standing on the trading floors shouting their heads off y
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to "Sell!" or "Buy! Buy! Buy!" or whatever the hell they're shouting..
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I think they're trying to order lunch from the blokes at the front with r
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the chalk. "Pie! Pie! Pie!". You can tell, 'cos those prices on the e
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boards look very like the prices written on the big menu at the fish a
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and chips shop. Anyway, you think those gits in the stock exchange d
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could possibly have caused the recession? Nah, they can't even order a e
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hamburger successfully. I blame the recession on TV game shows. I mean, t
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it's obvious, isn't it. Those prize idiots are giving away bigger and h
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bigger prizes on their TV shows, to those smart arses that go on those
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shows. Great. They give away cars and holidays and VCRs... oh, those f
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bloody VCRs. Who can work the buggers? With all those buttons, you'd r
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think it controlled the bloody space shuttle. No, serious, I once saw a o
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film of inside the space control centre, and they were pressing little m
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buttons just like on the remote control on the video. Only instead of
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"Play" it said "Launch". No difference. And they blamed the Challenger t
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disaster on a rocket thingy exploding or whatever they blamed it on. h
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Nope. Absolutely not. Someone at NASA got hold of a control unit, e
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thinking it was for their vcr. They probably wanted to record Days Of
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Our Lives or something... and KABOOM. Seven astronauts blown into bits b
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the size of sand through an hourglass. Anyway, the recession. What was o
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I talking about? Game shows. Yeah. Every single person who goes on a o
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game show and wins a new telly or a matching set of fake gold jewellry k
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has to spend a day or two at a tv studio recording it, instead of at
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work. And that's why the country is in such a state. So, bloody Sale of o
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the Century... Wheel Of Fortune... they should be banned. It's all lost f
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worker productivity. Huh. Workers. Lazy gits, all of them. They should
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all be sacked. You know who I blame for workers being lazy? Unions. C
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Yeah, unions. They all want something for nothing, those bloody trade u
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unions. Minimum wages, I ask you.. safe working conditions..? I mean, s
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if more workers were killed in accidents, it would soon solve the t
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unemployment problems. a
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - r
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d
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THE ADVENTURES OF *POPSICLE* .
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Please note: The absence of asterisks in last week's episode was due to
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the international asterisk shortage. And because I forgot. A
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n
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*Popsicle* and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence are (or were, depending d
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on tense) hot (or cold, depending on the weather) on (or off, depending
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on the switch) the (or a, depending on the determinacy or otherwise of t
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the article) trail (or path, depending on your point of view, I expect) h
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of a gang nutmeg dealers. After investigating closely the scene of a e
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nutmeg-related murder in the previous episode, they spent the first
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paragraph of this episode explaining what they had been doing in the s
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previous episode. c
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*Popsicle* decided to try something different in finding out the r
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identities of nutmeg dealers in the area. He looked up "Nutmeg" in the i
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Yellow Pages. And found sod all. He was desperate by now, but decided p
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he should think about the case instead. As *Popsicle* and the Inspector t
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drove along in the exceptionally fabulously designed and exceptionally u
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cheaply built A.R.S.E. custom vehicle, they just happened (pure r
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coincidence, you understand; not just a plot device to finish up the e
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story quickly due to the author running out of ideas) to see a truck in s
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front of them, which suddenly swerved, distributing a large number of
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nutmegs on the road. *Popsicle*, having decided to drive on this w
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occasion, opened a window and let out a whoop that had got inside the e
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car somehow, and sped after the truck, while the Inspector turned on r
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the special A.R.S.E. siren that was fitted to their car. e
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"Halt! You, yes *you*, the one in the large white truck, are being
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pursued by the Australian Royal Security Establishment. Please stop l
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your vehicle and surrender before we blow your fuckin' brains out", o
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said the spoken bit of the siren, which was accompanied by the loud n
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wailing of the siren which made the spoken bit almost unintelligible. g
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The truck driver either decided that he didn't want to stop, or ,
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couldn't hear the spoken bit of the siren, since he kept driving.
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*Popsicle* ran over a couple of small dogs as he increased speed, and b
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turned quickly into a laneway to follow the truck. Both vehicles sped o
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through lanes and streets, going bloody fast and miraculously not r
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hitting anything though they were on the wrong side of the road half i
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the time and ignoring all the traffic lights, just like on car chase n
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films. After half a dozen cliched turns, it was getting very boring for g
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the readers, so the truck ran out of petrol and slid to a halt by a
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pile of dustbins. a
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n
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WILL THE AUTHOR HAVE THE TIME TO WRITE A DECENT EPISODE NEXT WEEK? d
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ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.
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n
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ o
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That was another of them Toxic Custard Workshops. And t
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The Adventures of *Popsicle* will continue sometime
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after now, and sometime before they finish. Back-issues v
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of this crud are now available. If you must, then e
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send mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details, or reply r
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to this. Also rumoured to be still available is the y
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tedious adventures of Rocket Roger. For that, send mail
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to rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu Can you hear "With a f
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little plug from my friends" playing in the background? u
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ n
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n
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Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen Wall Street Rally y
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-- _________ _________ .
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Daniel Bowen, Monash University | |DOW JONES| ________ |GREENBACK|
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Melbourne, Australia------------| | FOR | |FT INDEX| | We love |
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At a new, unknown e-mail address| |PRESIDENT| |RULES OK| |___you___|
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------tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-------| |_________| |________|
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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Highly Combustible Toxic Custard
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::::: ::::: : : ::::: ::::: : : TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #74 T
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: : : : : : : : 9th December 1991 h
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: : : : : :::: : ::::: Written by Daniel Bowen e
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..:...:::::.:::::.:.........:.....:......(vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au) r
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e
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This is like, the Hippy News, so mellow out. That mega-heavy dude the
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Prime Minister spilled out a big floral shoulder-bag full of bad vibes on i
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Friday when he kicked the chief bread-head John Kerin from the s
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Treasurer's position, which is like a real shame man, 'cos John was like
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one of the mellowest and coolest Treasurers ever. Okay, so the recession o
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is really really heavy and uncool, but all you gotta do is take it slow, n
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roll yourself a joint and take it easy, man, it'll sort itself out. l
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - y
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THE TWO SIDES OF THE BRAIN o
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n
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- I *want* that chocolate. e
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|
|
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-- Don't be silly, it's too sweet; it'll rot your teeth. p
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e
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- One little chocolate can't hurt. r
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s
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-- All your teeth will fall out and everyone will laugh at you for having o
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no teeth and you'll have to pay the dentist three zillion dollars to have n
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|
a full set of false ones put in.
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m
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|
- Mmm... milk chocolate. I can't resist milk chocolate. o
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|
r
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|
-- That one chocolate will mean you'll have to exercise for ten hours e
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|
every day for the next two years to burn off the excess fat you gain from
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it. You'll be bloated, huge, round. You won't walk out of the 7-11; s
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you'll roll out. You'll look like the enormous fat pig that you are, you t
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chocolate maniac. u
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p
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- One chocolate... just one. i
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d
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-- Oh sure, you say just one. But you'll get hooked and be eating thirty
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a day for the rest of your life. Hideous spots will appear all over your t
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face, and you'll look completely repulsive to any other members of the h
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human race. a
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n
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- But it looks so *tasty*!
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t
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-- Well of course it looks tasty. It's specially developed by the h
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chocolate companies to look tasty. You don't think they'd market a e
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|
chocolate that looked totally revolting, do you? It's meant to look
|
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sumptuous, seductive and delicious. But that chocolate will block your a
|
|
arteries.. you'll have heart disease or something horribly gory and u
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|
dangerous like a heart attack. You'll be dead before you've even thrown t
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|
away the wrapper. h
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o
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- I love chocolate. I want that chocolate. r
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-- Oh sod it, you're right. Eat eat eat! o
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - f
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|
Once upon a time there lived a frog, who basically spent most of his time t
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hanging around a swamp. He would have hopped around instead, but he was a h
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|
very rebellious frog, who felt that he shouldn't have to be subjected to i
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|
the usual frog cliches in fairy-tales. Anyway, this frog naturally wanted s
|
|
to go far in the world. He was aiming for promotion, hopefully before the
|
|
story finished, and was therefore forever on the lookout for any good u
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|
looking princesses who might be hanging around as well. With luck he'd be s
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|
able to get a kiss from one to transmogrify himself into a fairly rich, e
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|
moderately handsome and well-hung prince. l
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|
The frog's name was Roger, pronounced "Rogger" for reasons that will e
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|
be apparent to all but the most unknowledgable of readers. Roger s
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|
preferred to be known as Rog (pronounced "Rogg") so we'll stop calling s
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|
him Roger and start calling him Rog, beginning with the next paragraph.
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|
Rog was having a pretty rotten day, all things considered. He'd not s
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spotted any princesses around the swamp all day, not even a hideously i
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ugly one, and to can it all, he had a migraine. There was a mist rising d
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|
above the swamp, and he decided, in a move destined to anger those e
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supporting more radical roles for frogs in stories, to bounce home. w
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|
After passing a Pipa, he bounced into a very misty area of the swamp, a
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|
landing on a log, where he found a (lo and behold!) princess. The y
|
|
princess was sitting on the log, and looked down at Rog, who grinned s
|
|
back. Rog realised that this particular log was in the centre of the
|
|
marsh, which was not a particularly likely or terrific place for a m
|
|
princess to be sitting. But hell, it was just the way the story was e
|
|
running, so it would have to be here. s
|
|
"Yeuch, a frog!" screamed the princess in Greek, mainly because she s
|
|
was Greek, the dialogue being shown in English because the author and a
|
|
most of the readers didn't speak Greek. The princess, being a typically g
|
|
civilised and dignified member of the human race, was of course armed to e
|
|
the teeth. But also being only a young child princess (not really one of .
|
|
the ones Rog had been looking for), the weapon in this princess'
|
|
possession was a slingshot. Which she fired roughly in Rog's direction - A
|
|
not a very friendly thing to do in the circumstances; something which n
|
|
became obvious when the small stone from the slingshot hit Rog, most of d
|
|
whom exploded in a splash of green bits. And all that Rog the Frog had
|
|
wanted to do was to snog with a wog on a log in the bog during a fog. t
|
|
h
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|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a
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t
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|
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... '
|
|
Fairy tales. It's shocking the junk that we feed our kids. Thank Christ s
|
|
they're moving away from that bullcrap nowadays, and giving them those
|
|
Teenage Mutated Ninja Tortoises. Those fairy tales were just promoting y
|
|
boring peaceful sixties values in our kiddies. Well, okay, I know that o
|
|
most of them were written before the 1960s, but that's not the point; u
|
|
most fairy tales were written in the sixties of different centuries, ;
|
|
which throughout history have been known for their revolutionary music
|
|
and peaceful long-haired people. The Great Fire of London actually t
|
|
started from a commune of seventeenth century hippies who lost control of h
|
|
a Restoration joint. See how dangerous drugs are? It's that type of e
|
|
peaceloving wet wimp what wrote those things. The whole concept of fairy
|
|
tales corrupted the little kiddies for years, you know. Just the name is o
|
|
suspect. "Fairy"? I blame AIDS on fairy tales. It's fairy tales that n
|
|
promote peace and love and stuff.. and of course we all know who's to e
|
|
blame for AIDS. Well, those immigrants brought it over from Africa,
|
|
didn't they; then they gave it to the gays and the drug users through the r
|
|
toilet seats and stuff. I think we should ship all of them, all the poofs e
|
|
and all the drug users and blacks and immigrants and haemophiliacs to a
|
|
Africa and re-build every toilet in the country. That'd get rid of AIDS d
|
|
for good. i
|
|
n
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ g
|
|
Toxic Custard is over for another week, thank
|
|
God. For back-issues mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu i
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ t
|
|
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen .
|
|
--
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia------------With his second
|
|
vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu---shortest sig ever!
|
|
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
Toxic Blue/Green Custard Algae
|
|
|
|
....______..._______...................................................
|
|
. T /C |W F TOXIC Number 75 .
|
|
. / |_____ CUSTARD by Daniel Bowen .
|
|
. / \ WORKSHOP vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au .
|
|
....../......______/...FILES.........Accept no Pictures of Lily........
|
|
|
|
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... E
|
|
The Arts. What a load of poncy namby-pamby poofters artists are. Look v
|
|
at ballet.. you know it's true that no-one in ballet is over thirty. e
|
|
It's so competitive that ballet dancers are all killed by their rivals r
|
|
within a year or two of making it big (principally in the crotch y
|
|
department, needless to say). Ballet people who survive usually have
|
|
bullet-proof leotards, and become famous choreographers in their old w
|
|
age. Just as well that only a few get that far really, or there'd be an e
|
|
oversupply of famous choreographers. Imagine wild, unemployed famous e
|
|
choreographers roaming the streets threatening people with their k
|
|
pirouettes.
|
|
Anyway, apart from ballet, there's painters. Why the hell don't i
|
|
they make themselves useful and paint walls and houses and stuff, t
|
|
instead of painting on bits of canvas. Though they'd have to paint '
|
|
different stuff.. I know I wouldn't want some topless woman painted on s
|
|
*my* outside wall for Fred to stare at and the neighbours to gossip
|
|
about. Some of those artistic splodges wouldn't be too bad - they'd a
|
|
hide the stains well.
|
|
Then there's musicians. With their noisy instruments. Quite apart w
|
|
from those roll and rock people, who should all be beheaded for causing o
|
|
noise pollution, all the poncy artistic classical twits. Ever noticed r
|
|
how an orchestra is arranged in a formation that looks just like the r
|
|
politicians in parliament? Classical music represents class.. y
|
|
authority.. posh gits. And if they're all so musical, how come almost :
|
|
anything you hear with only one instrument sounds like crap?
|
|
Writers? Yuck. Ludicrous little-brained literature loving loonies.
|
|
As for sculptors - disgusting, I call them. I blame most of w
|
|
society's ills on sculptors. Bending their soft moist clay into all h
|
|
sorts of filthy phallic symbols of disproportionate dimensions. They a
|
|
should all be strung up by the testicles in public places, they'd soon t
|
|
learn the importance of the genitalia and that it shouldn't be mocked
|
|
or modelled or stretched. w
|
|
i
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - l
|
|
l
|
|
THE ADVENTURES OF *POPSICLE*
|
|
g
|
|
*Popsicle* and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence are very hot on the trail o
|
|
of a gang of nutmeg dealers. Having stopped a nutmeg truck by chasing
|
|
it for so long that it ran out of petrol, *Popsicle* and the Inspector i
|
|
are about to confront the driver, and, if they possibly can, blow his n
|
|
brains out all over the pavement, drowning a nearby small dog in blood,
|
|
in a horrifying cliche directly lifted from nine out of ten violent t
|
|
police films. h
|
|
Inspector Unnecessary-Violence, having forgotten that he had e
|
|
forgotten to bring his gun, pulled his banana (that his mum had given
|
|
to him as part of his lunch that day) from his holster and ran over to s
|
|
the driver's side of the truck, brandishing it. With a deft movement of i
|
|
his other hand, he pulled the door handle open and leapt into the d
|
|
cabin, pushing the potentially lethal banana into the driver's face. e
|
|
"Freeze, punk!" he screamed. w
|
|
"But I'm not a punk", replied the driver, "I'm a supporter of the a
|
|
reactivist-socio-modernist subgroup of the Footscraynian school of y
|
|
political activism." s
|
|
"So why do you have spiky purple hair, a leather jacket and torn
|
|
jeans?" screamed the Inspector. m
|
|
"It's my day off." e
|
|
"Okay, pu.. Okay, supporter of the reactivist-socio-subgroup s
|
|
modernist convert of the Footscraynian school of political activism: s
|
|
freeze or I'll get violent and put the inside of this truck in grave a
|
|
need of a respray job!" screamed the Inspector, who had done quite well g
|
|
in a screaming course at the Police training school. e
|
|
"Okay man, okay. Keep maricultural", said the driver, who had now
|
|
figured out that it might be a good idea to raise his hands, and had t
|
|
done so. h
|
|
While *Popsicle* continued to look on, coolly leaning against the i
|
|
car with the radio in his hand, trying to look like the sex symbol of s
|
|
the team, the Inspector pulled the driver out of the truck and pushed
|
|
him into a pile of dustbins. t
|
|
"Listen man, garbology examination studies aren't generally my i
|
|
scene, right? And besides, if a garbo turns up now he's going to be m
|
|
really generally pretty pissed off about the whole street/waste e
|
|
situation re the garbage, you know?" ?
|
|
"Shuddup pu.. fucker! Now fuckin' listen to me!" the Inspector
|
|
screamed. "Me and my fuckin' colleague are on the fuckin' trail of a C
|
|
gang of fuckin' nutmeg smugglers. And we saw fuckin' nutmegs coming out o
|
|
of the back of your fuckin' motor, right? So, how the fuck do you m
|
|
fuckin' explain that?" p
|
|
"Hey man, lay off the vulgar quadruple letter arrangements or l
|
|
you'll really like isolate yourself from the readers." e
|
|
"Fuck them, I wanna know about the fuckin' nutmeg!" screamed the t
|
|
Inspector. e
|
|
"Oh well like that's easy. I've never seen that stuff before. I
|
|
borrowed the truck from this really rad dude on campus. He said I could c
|
|
borrow it to collect the joints for the party tonight on the condition r
|
|
that I drop off the supply of cooking materials to his mate first." a
|
|
"Right!" screamed the Inspector. "So what's the fuckin' name this p
|
|
fuckin' dude fucker?!?"
|
|
"Rob", replied the ex-driver, now partially submerged in a garbage a
|
|
bin. "He's a lecturer at the university." s
|
|
*Popsicle* sauntered over and pulled the man out of the bin, coolly
|
|
dusted him off and said coolly "Okay. That's cool. That's all the info u
|
|
we wanted. See you. Stay cool." s
|
|
The Inspector put the banana back in his holster and followed u
|
|
*Popsicle* back to the A.R.S.E vehicle, which in the great movie a
|
|
tradition had been left on an angle half on the curb with its lights l
|
|
still flashing and all the doors open. With a tricky but extremely ,
|
|
smooth and cool procedure, *Popsicle* swerved the car back onto the
|
|
road in such a way that all the doors closed themselves and sped i
|
|
towards the university. s
|
|
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ t
|
|
Toxic Custard Workshop Files is over for another week; h
|
|
praise the Lord. The proclaimation has come forth from on e
|
|
high, and reads as follows: Back-issues are available -
|
|
send mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. a
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ n
|
|
-- s
|
|
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen w
|
|
-- e
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Wanted: Two masked men r
|
|
Melbourne Australia | who stole the signature .
|
|
vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au | quote from this week's
|
|
TCWF- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | Toxic Custard.
|
|
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
|
|
|
|
--
|
|
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
|
|
May be copied or reproduced without permission
|
|
provided this notice remains intact.
|
|
--
|
|
Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are
|
|
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
|
|
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
|
|
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]
|
|
|