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738 lines
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____________________________________________________________________________
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***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
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***********************PARTS FIFTY-SIX TO SIXTY*****************************
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(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
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______________________________________________________________________________
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Readers be warned:
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Please have your reading licenses ready for inspection while reading
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this file.
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___ ___
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|_ / COXIT Rumben 57 Yondam, Tugusa 5th, 1991
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\ / DUSTARC Nrittew by Mr Yuxurl-Tachy (Lanied Noweb)
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__/ / PORKSHOW Lpecias shankt to Iorl Noreb
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----------SILEF--------------------------------------------------------
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*Readers have recently commented on the shrinking size of Toxic A
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Custard. So our raving reporter, Arnold Psychopath, took a look at the n
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size and value for money of the average Toxic Custard Episode.* o
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t
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How much humour is in Toxic Custard? I looked at TCWF 54, and splitted h
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it.. splut.. splitted.. I spluttered it up by content. Of a total of e
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114 lines, I found the following: r
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Title / signature / copyright 10 lines (9%) r
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Plugs- Rocket Roger / back-issues 11 lines (10%) u
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Blank lines / Dividing bits to split-up bits s
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to keep them apart from other bits 22 lines (19%) h
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Actual humour 71 lines (62%) e
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d
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As you can see, the humour in TCWF 54 only accounts for 62% of the
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file. In the old days, before the deregulation of the computer humour o
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industry, laws ensured that a file was at least 75% funny. TCWF 3, for n
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example was some 80% humour! Bring back the old days, that's what I e
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say.
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When we spoke to the author, in a concrete bunker fifty feet below I
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the wreckage of his bedroom, he claimed it was due to the worldwide '
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joke shortage. This is quite obviously complete bullshit, and we urge m
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all readers to protest in the streets, roads, highways and lanes right
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now. a
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Yes, pick up your placards labelled "More toxic for all" and "We f
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want custard" and shout loudly at people who are unlucky enough to be r
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passing by. If everyone did this, something might or might not be done. a
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The More Custard movement will go a long way. Possibly as far as the i
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state border. d
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.
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Please excuse my ramblings. They aren't house-trained yet. .
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - .
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A new tax has been announced which will further increase the costs of s
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running a motor car. The government announced yesterday that motorists t
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will now be charged directly for all the greenhouse gases they burn up i
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driving around. l
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"This is shocking", a spokesmechanic for the Club of Automobile l
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Reactionaries said. "They are denying our right to drive our nice shiny ,
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clean cars. Who do these people think they are, not letting us burn
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fossil fuels? It's not as if the fossils need them anymore. Why should t
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we catch a bus, train or tram to work when there's a perfectly good h
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adjacent road to use?" a
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When asked what could be done about polluting smog, he suggested t
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"close the window and turn on the air-conditioning. Next thing you know '
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this country will be being run by a bunch of Green-age Mutant Whinger s
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Turtles."
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
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h
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The police force has claimed a crime-fighting victory, announcing that e
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the number of robberies, assaults and other crimes occuring in doughnut
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shops has fallen to zero. Operation Doughnut, which has been going for w
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as long as anyone can remember, has seen every doughnut shop have at a
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least one police officer assigned to it. When asked about the high and y
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possibly co-incidental increase in street-crime, burglaries, murder,
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rape, armed-robbery and drug-dealing recently, a police spokesman, i
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Constable Suidae said that if people felt unsafe on the streets or in t
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their homes, the best thing to do was to go and buy a nice hot
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doughnut. g
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - o
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e
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After the START signing last Wednesday in Moscow by Bush and Gorbachev, s
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an explosion rocked the Kremlin after Gorbachev dropped his pen onto a .
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concrete floor. The pen, made from scrapped missiles, was destroyed in .
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the explosion, which blew a hole in the wall big enough for a Lada with
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no steering to get through. The Pentagon are now investigating what Y
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happened to the rest of the batch of 50,000 pens made from the scrapped o
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missiles. Allegations have been made that most of the pens were u
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purchased by the Iraqi government. The United Nations will formally ask
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Baghdad to report on the current status of all Iraqi pens. Rumours are s
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afoot that the US Air Force is installing Liquid-Paper anti-pen n
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missiles into their bombers in preparation for a bombing raid to i
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destroy the pens. v
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - e
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l
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From: marye@jerusalem.rc Fri Jul 26 20:28:28 1991 l
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Date: Fri, 26 Jul 91 20:28:28 +1000 i
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From: Sister Mary Existentiala <marye@jerusalem.rc> n
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To: wiseacre@josiah.rc g
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Subject: Re: Peace be with you
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r
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Dear Father Harry, e
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a
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You must have written your last note to me from the PC here at the d
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convent, as you did eventually succeed in finding me late in the e
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evening. I often take comfort in cleaning the sacristy when I am r
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troubled, as you now know I was. s
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Viewing the educational video the orphans brought home, "Chainsaw of w
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Lust", raised many questions in my mind... all of which you answered to i
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my expectations that night. Thank you. l
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l
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And in particular, I want to thank you for taking the time to hear my
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confession. The penance you gave me was quite, quite hard; however, j
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your penances always leave me feeling so satisfied... I am certain they u
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do my soul boundless good! s
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t
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Do visit us again soon, Father. It is always a complete pleasure.
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h
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Yours in the Church, a
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v
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Sister Mary Existentiala e
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ t
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This was another Toxic Custard Workshop File. Sorry. o
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Back-issues are now available; e-mail for details.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ l
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u
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Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen m
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-- p
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Raymond Luxury-Yacht a.k.a. DANIEL BOWEN | Toxic Custard.
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Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | It IS all over. For i
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-----------------------------------------+ this week, anyway. t
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TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu Trust me. .
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And now, in scenes too impressive and expensive to bring you in an
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ASCII file, we present..
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T H E M A I L P R O M P T
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______________________________________________________________________________
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DEEP FRIED TOXIC CUSTARD
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They said it wouldn't last a year. And don't you wish it hadn't?
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Lucky you; hasn't. Not quite, anyway.
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_______ ___ ___
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| / \ / | | \ / | TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
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| | \ /\ / |___ | \ / | Number 56 - 12th August 1991
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| \___ \/ \/ | |___ \/ | by Mr Luxury Yacht.. I think
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-----------O-N-E---Y-E-A-R---O-L-D---O-N---T-U-E-S-D-A-Y----------------------
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AUSTRALIAN BUREAU OF STATISTICS
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C E N S U S - 6 AUGUST 1991
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WHY A CENSUS?
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The Census is like a stocktake of our nation. That's why the entire
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nation stops while it happens. Not that anyone notices the difference.
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After the stocktake has finished, we'll throw out any damaged or soiled
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people, and have HUGE discounts on all of last season's fashions.
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COLLECTION AUTHORITY
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The information asked for is collected under the authority of the Census
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and Statistics Prying Gestapo Privacy Invasion Act.
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CONFIDENTIALITY
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None.
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WHEN?
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When what?
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WHEN IS THE CENSUS?
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Census Night is Tuesday 6th August 1991.
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WHEN SHOULD THE CENSUS FORM BE FILLED IN?
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Anytime really. Who cares? Just get on with it.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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1. AT WHAT ADDRESS DID THIS HOUSEHOLD SPEND CENSUS NIGHT?
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Street no. and name: 273 Cataly St
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Suburb or rural locality: South Wasteoftime
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City or town: Melbourne
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Postcode: 3188
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Person 1 Person 2 Person 3
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-------- -------- --------
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2. NAME OF EACH PERSON INCLUDING Arnold Debbi Annie
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VISITORS WHO SPENT THE NIGHT Psychopath Collins Psychopath
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OF TUESDAY, 6 AUGUST 1991 IN
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THIS HOUSEHOLD.
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3. SEX Yes Yes What?? You
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mean those
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two...?
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Female.
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4. EACH PERSON'S AGE LAST BIRTHDAY 32 17 Seventeen??
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I'll kill
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him. 31.
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5. WHAT IS EACH PERSON'S PERSON 1 Lover Ex-wife.
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RELATIONSHIP TO PERSON 1? Potential
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murder.
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6. WHAT IS EACH PERSON'S PRESENT Married Never Arnie! I'm
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MARITAL STATUS? married. leaving!
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About to be
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separated.
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7. WHAT IS EACH PERSON'S USUAL As in Salvation As from
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ADDRESS? question 1. Army Hostel tomorrow, my
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Melbourne mother's.
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8. IN WHICH STATE OR TERRITORY IS Vic Vic Arnold, you
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EACH PERSON'S USUAL ADDRESS? bastard! Vic
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9. IN WHICH STATE OR TERRITORY WAS Vic NSW Vic
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EACH PERSON'S USUAL ADDRESS ONE
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YEAR AGO?
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10. WHAT WAS EACH PERSON'S USUAL Pentridge Kings Cross Prison? I
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ADDRESS FIVE YEARS AGO? Prison, Sydney didn't know
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Melbourne. that! As
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above.
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11. WHERE WAS EACH PERSON BORN? United States Dunno Australia
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12. WHEN DID THE PERSON FIRST ARRIVE 1968, when I Dunno What were
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IN AUSTRALIA? jumped ship. you in for?
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13. IS THE PERSON OF ABORIGINAL OR No Dunno I have a
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TORRES STRAIT ISLANDER ORIGIN? right to
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know! No.
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14. WHERE WAS EACH PERSON'S FATHER United States Dunno Who's this
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BORN? little
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scrubber you
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brought
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home? Italy.
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15. WHERE WAS EACH PERSON'S MOTHER United States Dubbo. Italy. You
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BORN? ummm don't know
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Australia all about
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my parents,
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Arnie.
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16. IS THE PERSON AN AUSTRALIAN Yes Yes Yes. They
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CITIZEN? have
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CONTACTS.
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17. WHAT IS EACH PERSON'S RELIGIOUS Catholic Evangelical Catholic.
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DENOMINATION? Athiest Like all
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the Family.
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18. DOES THE PERSON SPEAK A LANGUAGE Jive No Italian. I
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OTHER THAN ENGLISH AT HOME? just called
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them, Arnie.
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19. HOW WELL DOES THE PERSON SPEAK Well Not well Very well.
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ENGLISH? I'll get the
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door.
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20. IS THE PERSON ATTENDING A SCHOOL N..argghh!! Arnie? No.
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OR ANY OTHER EDUCATIONAL M..shit.. Arnie? Oh Oh dear, who
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INSTITUTION? arggh.. my God! did that?
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Let's throw
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this form
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out and get
|
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another one,
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eh? They
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don't count
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dead people.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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VIRTUAL REALITY BREAKTHROUGH N
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The NASA Ames Research Center have announced a breakthrough in Virtual o
|
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Reality. They have simulated the entire world within a computer. This is
|
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the second attempt. The first time, they fed in all the information r
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about the world into the computer, data containing every detail about o
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the planet, and the behaviour and characteristics of the people who live o
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on it, what happens, where; everything. They ran the computer simulation m
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at high-speed for several months before simulated pollution and
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simulated UV-rays killed every simulated thing on the simulated face of f
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the simulated earth. The programmers looked for bugs, but couldn't find o
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any. r
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This second attempt has resulted in a "nice" world to live in. A
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world without oppression, crime, anger and hunger. And it only cost $43 m
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million billion to generate. Thank goodness the money is being spent on u
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something peaceful. c
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h
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THAI SEX TOURS - "Visit Bangkok and Phuket" o
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f
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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We apologise in advance for the following. No, not the t
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following, the backwarding. We apologise in advance h
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for the backwarding. It was another edition of the i
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Toxic Custard Workshop File. And we're really very s
|
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very sorry. Back-issues are now available; e-mail for
|
|
details. b
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i
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COMING RECENTLY IN THE NEXT TCWF LAST WEEK: t
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* How big should it be? - size exposed
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* Greenhouse gas tax t
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ h
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i
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s
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Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
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-- w
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Raymond Luxury-Yacht a.k.a. DANIEL BOWEN | "An American e
|
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Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | Werewolf in Beirut." e
|
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-----------------------------------------+ k
|
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TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu He's just been released. .
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______________________________________________________________________________
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SLOWLY BREWING TOXIC CUSTARD
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Welcome, one and all to that spiffing weekly file of fun for all you
|
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jokers around the globe. Put your laughing gear into gear once more,
|
|
because without any more ado (or adon't) it's time for the
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|
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##### #### # # ####
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# # # # #
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# O X I C # U S T A R D # # # O R K S H O P ### I L E S
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# # # # # #
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--#-Number 58-####-----------##-##-19th-August 1991#by Mr Luxury-Yacht- B
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a
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Characters For Continuity marched today in support of reappearances c
|
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for early characters in Toxic Custard. They said that unless the author k
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provides openings for reappearing characters in a politically sound
|
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joke by next issue, strike action would see all the keys on his a
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computer go out on strike in sympathy. g
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a
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i
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THE RETURN OF SHAKESPEARE n
|
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We were going to do a Midsummer Night's dream, but we couldn't stand
|
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all the Bottom jokes. t
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o
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MACBETH ACT 4, SCENE 1
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r
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[A cavern and in the midst a boiling cauldron. Thunder. Enter the Weird e
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sisters.] a
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d
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WITCH 1: Thrice the brinded cat hath mewed.
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t
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WITCH 2: Thrice and once the hedge-pig whined. h
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i
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WITCH 3: Harpier cries:- 'Tis time, 'tis time. s
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WITCH 1: Round about the cauldron go: s
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In the poisoned entrails throw. t
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What are we making; I don't know. u
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But I've got nowhere else to go. f
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f
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Toad, that under cold stone ,
|
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Days and nights has thirty-one
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Do we have to do this all alone? e
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Anyone know where there's a phone? h
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?
|
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Sweltered venom sleeping got,
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Boil thou first i'th' charmed pot! H
|
|
Don't look in there, it looks like snot. m
|
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Will it taste the same.. hmm, p'haps not. m
|
|
m
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ALL: Double, double toil and trouble;
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Fire burn and cauldron bubble. I
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WITCH 2: Fillet of a fenny snake, w
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In the cauldron boil and bake: o
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Oh good grief, for heaven's sake; n
|
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Just what is it we're trying to make? '
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t
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Eye of newt and toe of frog,
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Wool of bat and tongue of dog, c
|
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How will we find them in this fog, o
|
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Maybe some dead ones in the bog. m
|
|
m
|
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Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting, e
|
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Lizard's leg and howlet's wing, n
|
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Why not add a piece of string. t
|
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And I'll give the pizza shop a ring.
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o
|
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For a charm of powerful trouble, n
|
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Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.
|
|
Now my recipe's in a muddle, y
|
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I shouldn't have dropped it in the puddle. o
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u
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ALL: Double, double toil and trouble; r
|
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Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
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s
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WITCH 3: Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf, a
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Witch's mummy, maw and gulf n
|
|
What a way to get a laugh. i
|
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Do you think anyone reads this stuff? t
|
|
y
|
|
Of the ravined salt-sea shark, ;
|
|
Root of hemlock digged i'th'dark,
|
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I don't quite care for all this lark, e
|
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In fact I couldn't give a fark. s
|
|
p
|
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Liver of blaspheming Jew, e
|
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Gall of goat and slips of yew, c
|
|
Last time was messy, remember you? i
|
|
And after eating, up we threw. a
|
|
l
|
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Slivered in the moon's eclipse, l
|
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Nose of Turk and Tartar's lips, y
|
|
Careful to take out the pips
|
|
Get a sponge; wipe up the drips a
|
|
s
|
|
Finger of a birth-strangled babe
|
|
Ditch-delivered by a drab i
|
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Make the gruel thick and slab: t
|
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Then we'll analyse it at the lab. '
|
|
s
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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|
m
|
|
An organisation known as the A.W.B.B.B.B. (Apartheid Wanker Boar Boer i
|
|
Boor Bores) last week clashed with South African police and other n
|
|
"inferior beings" in the small town of Ventangersdorp where a e
|
|
"back-stabbing bastard betrayer" was speaking in the almost aptly named
|
|
Kommando hall. They were protesting about the proposed introduction of t
|
|
democracy. h
|
|
"It's not fair!" a recently not deloused representative in a brown a
|
|
shirt shouted incoherently above the noise of machine-gun fire. "How t
|
|
dare they put us on the same level as those black bastards? We are the
|
|
superior beings. We obey no-one." He then disappeared to help attack a i
|
|
mini-bus of them. s
|
|
A.W.B.B.B.B. leader Eugene Terre'Ism later condemned the Police for
|
|
trying to stop members attacking passing blacks. "It is our white i
|
|
right, right? That's what this country should stand for. Equality, n
|
|
freedom and wealth for absolutely everyone as long as they're white
|
|
church-going heterosexual conservative racists who speak Afrikaans. q
|
|
Squalor, oppression and poverty for the rest of them. That's how this u
|
|
country should be run. It has been for years; why change tradition?" Mr e
|
|
Terre'Ism has proclaimed that he will lead a new white nation into s
|
|
prosperity, to last a thousand years. t
|
|
i
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ o
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Well, I hope you survived that edition of the Toxic Custard n
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Workshop Files. E-mail for details of back-issues available. .
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toxic Custard helps keep you regular (once a week).
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Certainly more regular than certain mysterious space heroes
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with the initials RR, available from the Mad Scribe.
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Mail rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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--
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Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
|
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--
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Raymond Luxury-Yacht a.k.a. DANIEL BOWEN | Well known Vietnam veteran Normie
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Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | Rowe has written a charity song
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-----------------------------------------+ for the 25th anniversary of the
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TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu battle of Long Tan, called "Sit down Ron".
|
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______________________________________________________________________________
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SEVERELY DEPRESSED TOXIC CUSTARD
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_____ __ __ __ __
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| | | | |_ |__ |__| TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES - Number 59
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| |__ |_|_| | __| __| 26th August 1991 Written by Daniel Bowen
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_______________________________________________________________________
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Calendiar casually strolled down to the corner. It was one of those odd S
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street corners, which wasn't so much a corner as a right-angle. He o
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looked casually each way, scouring the background for movement. m
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Nothing. A frog bounced by. Calendiar's last mission had ended when e
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he'd been arrested for crimes against the chemical disposal laws. Of
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course, they'd got him off. Nothing simpler. The influences of p
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Calendiar's department reached everywhere. And they would stop at e
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nothing to influence a judge. They wouldn't even stop at a o
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gift certificate from a massage parlour. And they hadn't. p
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Calendiar stood still for several minutes, deliberately, to l
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confound any moves to have him adapted into a cartoon strip. Popsicle e
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hissed at him from behind a streetlamp. "Stop hissing at me", replied
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Calendiar. "Watcha want? What are you doing back there?" h
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"I don't know, but I think something surprising is about to happen. a
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And then something vicious." v
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Surprisingly, the street filled with people. People everywhere. e
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Popsicle struggled to move, the crowds pressing in on him. Everyone was
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there, it seemed, from the Reverend Skilbey to Alfredo Cappucino. m
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Even more surprisingly, and suddenly, the street was calm, as the e
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shoppers continued to window-shop, and sip coffee. Quiet, mild mannered n
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Arnold Psychopath, recently resurrected, had arrived on the scene with t
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his AK-47 and machete, about to do something vicious, in an obvious i
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comment about gun control by the author. But he would be stopped. This, o
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after all, was a civilised country. A madman can't simply run around n
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shooting people and get away with it. There are laws to protect e
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people's lives. d
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Inspector Unnecessary-Violence put his hand on Arnold's shoulder.
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"You can't fuckin' do that", he said. "Gimme your gun licence." t
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Arnold, quite reasonably for a crazed psychopath, showed him the h
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licence. a
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"Hmm, quite fuckin' legal. Thank you. Now kindly fuckin' move along t
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please sir."
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
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h
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-RIP OUR PORT e
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s
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Dan Quayle's reaction on Monday to the news that Gorbachev had been e
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deposed and the Vice-President had taken power: "Oh, have I really?"
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s
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Anyway, the attempted Soviet coup is over now, and Communism is dying. i
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Party activity has been outlawed in all state bodies.. so I guess l
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they'll have to go to discos. And of course, the world may never see l
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the new model Revolutionary Lada 9L Washing Machine, made in the Soviet y
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Union, with built-in political agitator.
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|
s
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|
I wonder if you've met my pet Rik Aster. He's my pet *. The great thing i
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about *s is that they just sit there on your screen, not doing very d
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much at all. *s don't need to be fed or anything. You can backspace e
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|
over them at will if you'd prefer them not to be on your paragraphs, w
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but settle them down anywhere. Your pet * isn't fussy. And they're a
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delightful little critters, too. But please don't maltreat your *, or y
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you might be reported to the RSPC*. s
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You know how when you want to carry a heavy load but the shop only has m
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fairly weak and flimsy plastic bags.. and they give you two; one inside e
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|
the other. How come your load doesn't break through one, then break s
|
|
through the other, then break some more.. break into little bits on the s
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|
ground? No, don't answer that.. it's probably something to do with a
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|
physics, but I was never very good at that, and I'd far rather remain g
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|
thinking that it's one of the great unanswered mysteries of the world. e
|
|
s
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|
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome aboard Cashthread
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Airlines Cut-Price-Fares-Luxury-Sit-In-The-Space-Normally-Taken-By-An- a
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Anteater-While-We-Stuff-Your-Luggage-Into-A-Shoebox flight 007 to r
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|
Bondstown. I'm your pilot, Jack; that's J A C K, Jack, hoping you all e
|
|
have a pleasant flight, and reminding you to be near a toilet when you
|
|
drink the airline coffee. First class passengers will have the a
|
|
opportunity later on to see the aeroplane cockpit (just don't enter
|
|
saying "Hi, Jack"); economy and business-class passengers can stay in r
|
|
their seats and get bored shitless watching the in-flight movie, e
|
|
"Plumetting To Earth and in Bloody Deep Shit". Have a nice day. a
|
|
l
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BIBLE BELT!
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Buy yours today.. only $19.95. With bonus holster. Bible not included. p
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|
from Krabe Enterprises. a
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|
i
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ n
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|
Sorry.
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|
Back issues are available; e-mail for details. t
|
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ o
|
|
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Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen r
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|
-- e
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Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Fit as a fiddle, a
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|
Melbourne, Australia | Right as rain. d
|
|
---------------------------------| If one thing is certain, .
|
|
TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | I'm perfectly sane.
|
|
-- G
|
|
o
|
|
For all one of you who has been waiting since TCWF 57 o
|
|
for a TCWF licence, cut this out and fill in the details: d
|
|
.
|
|
-------------------------------------------- SCRIBBLE ON THE BACK:
|
|
| WORLDWIDE TOXIC CUSTARD READER'S LICENCE |
|
|
|------------------------------------------| The holder of this licence is
|
|
| | hereby authorised to read
|
|
| NUMBER EXPIRES CODE | Toxic Custard Workshop Files
|
|
| 28462847 26/8/92 T59C26W8F91 | from the beginning of time
|
|
| | until the expiry date. Persons
|
|
| NAME: __________________________________ | found reading TCWF while not in
|
|
| E-MAIL: ________________________________ | possession of a TCWF Reader's
|
|
| SEX: __ DATE OF BIRTH: __/__/__ | licence will have absolutely
|
|
| | nothing done to them, and are
|
|
| SIGNATURE: _____________________________ | void from any death-threats
|
|
| Cut photo into strips and stick here. | made to them by members of any
|
|
-------------------------------------------- any religious denomination.
|
|
|
|
______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
(HAVE A SLICE OF) DEADLY RADIOACTIVE TOXIC CUSTARD
|
|
|
|
|
|
Take 200 grams of politically conservative redneck voter. Carefully
|
|
sift out all the brains. Put the remains in a saucepan on a low heat,
|
|
add prejudices and stir until thickened. Pop in a drop of raw hatred
|
|
and some paranoia and leave to simmer for a couple of elections,
|
|
stirring occasionally. And presto! Gun lobby activist!
|
|
|
|
Or, if you find that totally repulsive, why not try some Toxic Custard?
|
|
|
|
###### #### ## ## ## #### #### ##### Toxic Custard Workshop Files
|
|
## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ##------------------------------------+
|
|
## ## ## ## ## #### ##### ## ## Number 60 - 2nd September 1991 |
|
|
## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## Written by Daniel Bowen |
|
|
## #### ######## ## #### #####-------------FEAR NOUGAT!------------+
|
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|
|
He was definitely lost. Somewhere. He scoured the horizon. Sand to the I
|
|
north (or what, since he had no compass, he would call the north for t
|
|
the moment.. just for argument's sake. It might well be east, or south '
|
|
by south west, it didn't really matter). Sand to the east. Sand to the s
|
|
south of him, and sand to the wes.. oh bugger, had he turned too far?
|
|
Was that west, or was he looking north again. No, it didn't really t
|
|
matter, because it was certainly very sandy. A bit too bloody sandy. I e
|
|
mean, you might think the beach was pretty sandy sometimes, but that r
|
|
was nothing to the predicament that Calendiar was in this time. He r
|
|
looked around again, longing to be somewhere where the storyline at i
|
|
least went somewhere, and where the continuity between episodes could b
|
|
be checked. l
|
|
Calendiar thought back to the street corner he had been hanging y
|
|
around last week, and decided that if it wasn't a figment of his
|
|
imagination, then he wished it had been, because he hadn't liked it a
|
|
very much. He wondered about wandering, then stopped. He looked down at n
|
|
the portable scrabble game he had somehow collected somewhere, for some n
|
|
reason which was bound to be explained in the next few lines; probably o
|
|
just a cheap way to get a joke. There were only four letters in this y
|
|
one; it was an economy version. D A S and N were the letters. i
|
|
Calendiar frowned. And who could blame him? Not me. Nor you, I n
|
|
suspect. He looked up. Well, at least it wasn't sand. Then he looked g
|
|
down, mostly because he hadn't done so yet, and was astonished to find ,
|
|
a (this is not the astonishing bit) trapdoor, underneath which was a
|
|
short passage (neither is this the astonishing bit) leading to (we're b
|
|
coming up to the astonishing bit around about now) a rather nice hotel, u
|
|
where he checked in. t
|
|
"Hi!" said the receptionist in a poor imitation of either a French
|
|
accent. "Welcome to the Hotel Sable. I'm Sandy." I
|
|
"So am I", replied Calendiar," so would you show me to my room so I '
|
|
can have a shower and get on with the plot?" v
|
|
After his shower, Calendiar went down to the garages to find his e
|
|
smog-producing phallic symbol, and drove off into the next episode.
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - f
|
|
o
|
|
Sick of going to the shops and paying $1.95, $3.95, $4.95 or whatever r
|
|
for goods? Well, the government has finally come up with a way to g
|
|
lighten our pockets - the 95 cent coin. It will be shaped identical to o
|
|
the $1 coin, but with an 18 degree segment cut out of it. This will t
|
|
make it simple for sight-impaired people to identify. t
|
|
Two groups, one supporting the royal family, and the other e
|
|
supporting animal liberation, have opposed this, saying that it will be n
|
|
an act of mutilation of H.M. The Queen on one side of the coin, and the
|
|
five kangaroos on the other. The two groups also opposed a proposal w
|
|
last year to directly link the value of the Australian dollar to US h
|
|
currency, by chopping an 80 degree slice out of all coins. a
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
|
|
|
|
THE SHIFT-CHANGE I
|
|
|
|
Mornin'. w
|
|
MORNIN'. HOW'S LIFE? a
|
|
Looks okay from here. These early mornings are tiring me though. s
|
|
WELL, AT LEAST YOU'RE ON DAY SHIFTS. IT'S BLOODY COLD OUT HERE AT
|
|
NIGHT, YOU KNOW. g
|
|
Oh? I s'pose I'm lucky then.. it always seems nice and bright when I'm o
|
|
around. i
|
|
OF COURSE IT DOES. YOU'RE THE SUN. THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE. NICE AND n
|
|
BRIGHT. g
|
|
Oh yeah. Sometimes I forget. Seen anyone around down there lately?
|
|
NOT REALLY. ALL I CAN SEE FROM WHERE I AM IS THAT BIG WALL. t
|
|
Ah.. It's funny, I feel as if I can see more and more down there every o
|
|
day.
|
|
NOT SURPRISED. I HEARD THEY BUGGERED THEIR OZONE LAYER. s
|
|
Really? Still, I suppose they know what they're doing. It sure is nice a
|
|
to be able to shine down on them a bit more, every day. y
|
|
YES, THEY MUST BE A BUNCH OF SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE.
|
|
How about you then? Been mooning around? t
|
|
YEAH.. LOOK, I MUST DASH. h
|
|
Not moonlighting I hope? i
|
|
WHO, ME? NAH.. SEE YOU IN 12 HOURS. s
|
|
Okay. And I'll see you at that eclipse next week.
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - w
|
|
e
|
|
MANAGER: Jenkins! e
|
|
k
|
|
JENKINS: Yes Mr Saviour? .
|
|
|
|
MANAGER: Jenkins, your job is being recycled. R
|
|
e
|
|
JENKINS: Pardon Mr Saviour? a
|
|
l
|
|
MANAGER: Your job is being recycled. It's a new government scheme to
|
|
save the ozone layer and fudge.. err.. lower the unemployment b
|
|
figures. You'll be given the sack as of Monday. But then we'll u
|
|
re-employ you on Monday week. Meanwhile, we'll employ Mr Nerd m
|
|
here. m
|
|
e
|
|
NERD: Hello Mr Jenkins. I'm Nerd. Arnold Nerd. r
|
|
,
|
|
MANAGER: Jenkins, you'd better get back to work.
|
|
e
|
|
[Jenkins leaves] h
|
|
?
|
|
MANAGER: [Taking Nerd's hand to shake] Welcome to the Environment
|
|
Protection Authority, Mr Nerd.
|
|
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
That was another one of those silly Toxic Custard Workshop
|
|
Files. Only this time, it didn't have all those silly
|
|
hidden words, like last week. I presume you lot found
|
|
them all? Back issues are available via ftp or e-mail. Ask
|
|
for details! Also ask about the corny space cereal (yum!),
|
|
by my good mate, the Mad Scribe rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
--
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Laugh your guts up at the Monash Comedy
|
|
Melbourne, Australia | Revue! Featuring MEGABOGUE live on stage!!
|
|
---------------------------------| Monash Frankston: 17th Sept; Caulfield 19th
|
|
TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | Sept. Entry- Monash $9 others $12.
|
|
|
|
The gun lobby have announced that they support the legalisation of
|
|
nuclear arms for everyone. "It's people that kill people, not nuclear
|
|
bombs. So why not buy a nuclear missile for the house? It'll help you
|
|
defend yourself against intruders."
|
|
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
|
|
|
|
--
|
|
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
|
|
May be copied or reproduced without permission
|
|
provided this notice remains intact.
|
|
--
|
|
Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are
|
|
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
|
|
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
|
|
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]
|