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488 lines
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____________________________________________________________________________
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***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
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***********************PARTS ELEVEN TO FIFTEEN******************************
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(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
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______________________________________________________________________________
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Desperation issue
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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_________________ ____________ _____________
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! ! ! ! ! !_____________ Part 11
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! !____________ !_______!_______! ! 24/9/90
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T O X I C C U S T A R D W O R K S H O P F I L E S
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*AS SEEN IN VNEWS REC.HUMOR!*
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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WHAT ARE YOU READING THIS FOR? THIS IS MEANT TO BE A NON-TEACHING WEEK! GO AWAY
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SUDDENLY, THE AUTHOR COULDN'T THINK OF A GOOD PLOT, AND SO DECIDED TO RELEGATE
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EPISODE ELEVEN TO BEING EXTREMELY UNFUNNY AND FILLING IT UP WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S
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COMMENTS. WHAT A GREAT IDEA - LET OTHERS DO YOUR WORK! SOUNDS LIKE PSY192 AND
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ADM130!
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CRITICAL REVIEW:
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WHAT THEY SAID ABOUT 'THE TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES'
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(GENUINE QUOTES MOSTLY TAKEN COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTEXT)
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- "It was terrific. I thank God that I wore my corset, because I
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think my sides have split" - Rowan Atkinson
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- " I laughed till no more oxygen was available ..."
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- The Mad Scribe
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- "I can't really say any of your stories are funny ... I never
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asked for them to be mailed to me ... monstrous files ... "
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- Tom Wilson
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- "Great! Great! Fantastic! Oh, it's so bloody marvellous, it makes
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you want to throw up!" - James McCrettin
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- "Look forward to the next installment" - Pina Mure
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- "I liked it" - Arthur Dent
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- "Please CONTINUE this masterpiece!" - Paul Beker, Georgia
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Institute of Technology (G.I.T.)
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- "This is sick" - Claudia Peralta
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- "Dear readers, sorry, but this is the worst episode so far.
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This one's about as good as INGRES at the moment. The next
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one is better." - Raymond Luxury-Yacht
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- "It's getting better all the time" - Paul McCartney
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- "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha" - Neil Bruckner
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- "Absolutely brilliant ... " - Piers Fletcher-Dervish MP
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- " ... " - A. Hreb
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- "I'm getting a little bored by this ... I have
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managed to stay sane ..." - Katherine Ramsay
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- "From you, I get the story" - Roger Daltrey
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- "I wasn't ENTIRELY unamused." - Lance Lentz
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- "The Toxic Custard Workshop is a totally brilliant
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piece of literary work." (500 times) - Stuart Healey
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_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
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TOXIC CUSTARD SURVEY#1 Please mail replies to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
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1. How many people read your copy of TCWF (including you)?
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A. One C. 400,000
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B. Two D. None
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2. What is your overall opinion of TCWF?
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A. Brilliant D. Totally and utterly brilliant
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B. Really brilliant E. Totally and utterly brilliant and it
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C. Superlatively brilliant craps all over Rocket Roger
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3. Name the most primitive species:
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A. Lecturer C. Reader of TCWF
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B. Author of TCWF D. Slug
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4. Would you like to make a huge donation to the author of TCWF?
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A. Yes
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5. Which do you most prefer?
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A. McDonalds C. Pizza Hut
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B. Kentucky Fried Chicken D. A nice lively young sheep
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NOW EXTRACT THIS SURVEY TO A FILE, EDIT OUT ALL BUT THE WORD "SHEEP",
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PRINT OUT THAT WORD, CUT IT OUT AND STICK IT TO YOUR FOREHEAD WITH A RARE
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VARIETY OF OUTER-MONGOLIAN SUPERGLUE.
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I want to see lots of replies to this survey, and plenty of comments as well.
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(That way the next time I run out of ideas I can use them the fob off these
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gullible readers again.)
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AND IF YOU THINK I'VE GOT PROBLEMS COMING UP WITH NEW JOKES, WHY NOT
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CHECK OUT THE ADVENTURES OF ROCKET ROGER.
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To subscribe, mail rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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VX24 USERS' BULLETIN Number 12 - 1/10/90
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------------------------------------------
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SUBJECT: New Vax Command
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DEC have written a new program to make VMS error messages more readable. The
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new code, called TRANSLATE, translates the error message into simple English to
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aid with debugging and general use of DCL.
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To make use of this new facility, the following command is used:
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SET TRANSLATE /MODE=(type)
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Where "type" is the type of error message you would like. Valid types are
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detailed below, with examples.
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As an example, suppose while copying a file, an error occurs-:
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%COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Input file not found
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The TRANSLATE utility will change this message to make it easier to read, in
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the following ways.
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VALID TYPES: SAMPLE OUTPUT:
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------------ --------------
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feminist %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, That chauvinist pig VAX reckons you
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don't even know the real filename. Try again, and show
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this male pig computer that all wimmin can tell this
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computer what to do!
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hippy %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Oh no! Oh heavy heavy heavy. The
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bad-vibes-ville uncool VAX can't find the file! Oh no,
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what are you going to do now?
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anarchist %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Hey! The git VAX can't find the file!
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Right on! Who needs files for copying anyway? Files
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represent beauracracy and red tape! Let's take all the
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files and stuff them up the computer's collective arse!
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medieval %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The lord VAX cannot find thy file,
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peasant. Thou shall provide thy full path name again,
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lest thy head answers for it!
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evangelist %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, And yea! God's servant VAX was unable
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to find your file. But if you believe in the power of God
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evil Satan's forces SHALL put the file back. Donate $3000
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to SYSTEM, get down on your knees, and try again.
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suicidal %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Input file not found. That's it, that
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command was your life. Now go and kill yourself. But
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remember to log out first.
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bogan %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, F***ing hell, c***! That stupid
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mother-f***er of a VAX says it couldn't find the f***ing
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file! Maybe it wasn't really called F***ER.TXT;2
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pirate %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Required filename not found. So what
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the heck, I'll copy the whole directory!
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psychologist %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The computer's very inner soul has
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rejected the concept of 'files' due to a bad experience
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when the OS was a lower version number. All influenced,
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of course, by the system manager's severe sexual
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problems.
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python-fan %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The file cannot be found! It's NOT
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pining - it's passed on! This file is no more! It has
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ceased to be! It's expired, and gone to meet it's maker!
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This is a late file! It's not there! This is an EX-FILE!
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management %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The VAX has initiated a CPU committee
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meeting to determine whether or not this file can be
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found. DCL will report the results in four weeks.
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jargon %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The total number of files retrieved
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that are equivalent to the parameter specified in your
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previous command is zero!
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system-manager %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Input file not found. Now get really
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angry and take it out on the poor pathetic grovelling
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little users.
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politician %COPY-E-INPFFND, Input file found. There have been no
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errors that I am aware of. None at all.
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IN THE NEXT VAX USERS' BULLETIN (3/10/90), FIRST OF A TEN PART SERIES
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VX24 user Katherine Ramsay tells us how to repair a serial-port, in 132 easy
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steps.
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Raymond Luxury-Yacht
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System Manager, TOX12
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tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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---------------------
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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How to disgust people
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/ \ / / /\ / / / \ / / /\ /\ /\ FEEDBACK HAS
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/\ \/\ \/ /\ \ \ \/ \ \ \ \ \ \/\ /\ \/\ \/_ \ \ BEEN RECEIVED
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\ \ \/ \ \/ /\ \ \/ \/ \/ / \ \ \ \ \/ FROM ONLY A FEW
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PEOPLE. SO, TO
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\ TO RAISE A FEW
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\ \ /\ /\ / / \ /\ /\ / / / \ COMPLAINTS.....
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\ \/ \ \ \/_ \/_ \/\ \/\ \ \ \/ \/ \ \ \/ \/\ \ Demonic Part 13
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\/ \/ \ \ \ \ / \ \/ \ \ \ \/ \/ / * 3/10/90
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*********WARNING: DO NOT READ THIS EPISODE IF YOU ARE OFFENDED EASILY!*********
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This later part episode contains foul language and explicit sexual references.
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(Now I bet everyone will read it).
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INTRODUCING
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####### @@@@@@ **** ]]]] %%%%% &&&& ???? > > $$$$$$ !!!
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# # # @ * * ] ] % % & & ? ? > > $ !!!
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# # # @@@@@@ * ]]]]]] %%%%% & & ? > > $$$$$$ !!!
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# # # @ * ** ] ] % % & & ? ?? > > $
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# # # @@@@@@ ***** ] ] %%%%% &&&& ????? >>>> $$$$$$ !!!
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THE WORLD'S LEAST KNOWN AND LEAST LOVED HEAVY METAL BAND.
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Weeze at Megabogue are comin up wiv a new all bum, called "Abbey Bogue". So
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weeze all had a groop confa rence, an Slasher (the intellectal of the ban)
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decided we shud do sum more sons, and shud send along some fotoes for the
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allbum cova.
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Followin is a brief intro and summmary of the memers of the ban-:
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SLASHER RISTS - the intellectual of the ban (heese got an IQ of over
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50) - and the drummer (that's puttin all his intelectt too good use.)
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BONK MEE - poet and lyriciss of the ban. Sum of his proze appars in dis
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letter, witch only gose to demonsate his abilitee. He plays base (because its
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only got 4 strings) and shouts allot.
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HARRY "HEADBANGER" WALL - Ace leed guitarist with Megabogue. His
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alltime guitar influences are: John Bonham, Keith Moon, Charlie Watts, and
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Ringo Starr. He allso rights sum of the lovely wistfulll, lilting melodys, such
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as that haunting ballad "Why don't u come and suk on my torpedo of love, baby?"
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VIMMY "THE THORN" HALEN - Skilful rithm guitariss of Megabogue, whoose
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rithms have been likened to that of a Jak-hammor. Wunce wanted to be Anguss
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Yung but didnt hab the necesery skil, and besides, heed burnt his old skool
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uniform.
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Megabogue's lilting melodies portray their iconoclastic view on the
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current state of society and humanity's place within. Their meaningful and
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surrealistic lyrics bypass the usual conventional restrictions of rhyming and
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portraying obseletist ideals of melodic structure.
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(RIP ORF-SEVERELY)
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(Our manager rote that, but we don't
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like it, cos we dont understaand it, but we
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don't wont to effend anyone).
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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MEGABOGUE'S NEW ALBUM, "ABBEY BOGUE", IS ON THE "LABEL" LABEL.
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NOW, HERE ARE THE WORDS TO THE MEGABOGUE HIT SONG, THE HAUNTING BALLAD "WHY
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DON'T U COME AND SUK ON MY TORPEDO OF LOVE, BABY?" BE WARNED, THIS WILL
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PROBABLY DISGUST YOU.
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VERSE 1:
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Arggggh
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I am like a submarine
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'Cos I got a f***in' huge torpedo
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I am like a submarine
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'Cos I got a f***in' huge torpedo
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CHORUS:
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Why don't you, why don't you, why don't you
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Come and suk, come and suk, come and suk
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On my torpedo ... torpedo ... torpedo
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Of love, baby?
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VERSE 2:
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I am a submarine
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And you are an enemy ship
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'cos the f***in' torpedo's going right in ya
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And you're gonna explode
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CHORUS
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Well, if we have any readers left after that completely and utterly disgusting
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display of text, part fourteen will be out on Monday 8th of October.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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APOLOGY:
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We really must apologise for the publication of the lyrics above, but if the
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only way to encourage reader feedback is to disgust them, then so be it. So
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you'd better send complaints now, to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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Let us pray.
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THIS WEEK'S READING IS FROM THE BOOK OF TOXIC, CHAPTER 14.
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1 The holy users of the Lord Vax did loggeth on. And they did see the horror of
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the monstrosity that had appeared in their directories. Yea, it was fourteenth
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part of the holy Toxic Custard Workshop Files. TOXIC 14:1
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2 And the users did despair, for their directory quotas had filled up with this
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crap. For most of them were lowly first-years, and had but five hundred of the
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blocks. TOXIC 14:2
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3 And the second years did laugh, for they did know, not that they wanted to
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crow about it or anything, that they had seven thousand of the blocks available
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to them. TOXIC 14:3
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4 But they did despair, when they checked their budgets, and did findeth that
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all the hooning around on News and with Mail had diminished the holy figure of
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logtime. TOXIC 14:4
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5 Meanwhile, the author of the holy book of Toxic did weep, for he had run out
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of jokes, and had to resort to Biblical scripture once more. TOXIC 14:5
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6 And yea! He did racketh his brains for new and funny ideas. But he didn't
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come up with any, so he resorted to... TOXIC 14:6
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - A-N-D- -N-O-W- -F-O-R- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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THE _ _ _ _ _ _ _
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~|~ /\ \/ | / /\ | | \. _|_ |_| !_) /\ |\ | | !\! / {_ / \ !\|
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| \/ /\ | \_ \_ |_| _| | / \ ! \ /__) |/ \_/ ! ! \_] {_ \_/ ! |
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- - - - - - - - - - - - L-E-V-E-L- - -F-O-U-R-T-E-E-N- - - - - - - - - - - - -
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The party made their way slowly down the corridor. Leading was Raftor the
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Brave, followed closely by Roder the dwarf. Bringing up the rear were the
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wizard Pyhus and Felonius, the group's thief. They came to a door, which marked
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the end of the corridor. Raftor tried the door; it was locked. Felonius got out
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his tools and went to work on the door, while Roder and Pyhus kept a look out.
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Signalling that the door was now unlocked, Felonius nodded. Raftor kicked down
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the door and burst into the room with sword at the ready, the others closely
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following.
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From the light given off by the wizard's magic lantern, Raftor made out the
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shapes of five goblins with daggers at the ready, attacking.
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Suddenly, a booming voice said "Roll for initiative!" and two giant dice
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came tumbling down squashing Felonius and two goblins. The party of adventurers
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had gained initiative, and Raftor attacked first. A huge twenty-sided die came
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crashing down in the corner flattening the remaining goblins. As the remainder
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of the party gathered around the crumpled body of the fallen thief, two giant
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hands descended, and grabbed the huge dice. The booming voice spoke out once
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more: "That's enough for this session. See you all on Wednesday."
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AND NOW FOR THE NAZI-NEWS WEATHER FORECAST FOR MONDAY THE EIGHTH OF OCTOBER.
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Seig heil! And now, here is your racially pure forecast for superior German
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areas of occupation! In the concentration-camps, there will be heavy
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anti-semitism, with many executions in the later part of the afternoon. On the
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Eastern front, there will anti-Russian feeling amongst the troops, blowing over
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to heavy bayonetting tomorrow. Around Dresden, there will be heavy falls of
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schweinhund Allied bombs most of the day. And finally, here in inner Berlin,
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the anger of the Fuhrer will rise, with a low tonight of frustrated murmurs up
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to a high tomorrow of carpet digestion.
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Raftor the Brave went on to change his name to Roger the Sexist, and star in
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ROCKET ROGER, available now for only four-hundred million dollars from
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rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu. Hey, that makes it cheaper than a complete D&D set!
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE:
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We regret to announce that God ran out of
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money last Saturday, and that due to this,
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all non-essential services will close-down
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from midnight Thursday Morning. These
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include your local sun; which means that
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all life on Earth will cease to exist.
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Although a resolution for extra funding is
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being worked out, no guarantee that life
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will continue can be made.
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The Management
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BUT HEY, CHEER UP! IT'S
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___ _ _
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|OXIC |_USTARD |_|_|ORKSHOP |-ILES
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PART 15 10/10/90
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WRITTEN BY RAYMOND LUXURY-YACHT
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(cue theme music)
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_________________________________|___|________________________________________
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__**________|\_______|\______|___|___|___**___|________|__|___**_______|______
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__|____**___|___|\___|___|\__|___|__**___|____|___|\___|__|___|___**___|______
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__|____|___**___|___**___|___|__**______\|___**___|___**__|___|___|___**___|__
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_______|_______**_______**___|___________________**_______|_______|_______**__
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And now it's time for the Tox-ic Cust-ard Work-shop It's Brill-i-ant!
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___ ___ __ __ ___
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/__/ / / / /_/ /\ / /_ \ /\ / /__ ISSUE 15
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/ \ /__/ /__ / \ / \/ /__ \/ \/ ___/ 10/10/90
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AMPUTATION FOR MEGABOGUE DRUMMER!
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Ace Megabogue drummer Slasher Rists was injured last night in a 95 car
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pile up, which left him in serious condition in hospital. Doctors this morning
|
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were forced to amputate his legs and arms.
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A spokesman has said that Slasher will be continuing with the band. "He
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will bang the drums with his head, and other appendages", he said.
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Megabogue guitarist Bonk Mee commented on the situation. "Yeah, we don't
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mind him continuing to bang... if he uses his head, it only enhances our image
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as a bunch of headbangers."
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Vimmy Halen, the artistic member of the group would not comment, and all
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Harry Wall would say to waiting reporters was "Why don't you all just f***
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off", before assaulting three photographers and a TV news crew with a kitchen
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knife and an armoured-car.
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--M-E-G-A-B-O-G-U-E--------F-E-A-T-U-R-E---------------------------------------
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HERE FOLLOWS AN EDITED TRANSCRIPT OF DIALOGUE AT A MEGABOGUE REHEARSAL SESSION.
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MEGABOGUE, LIKE MOST HEAVY-METAL BANDS HAVE VERY LOW IQs, WEAR EXTREMELY STUPID
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TROUSERS, AND SWEAR A LOT. ANYONE WHO WANTS THE UNEXPURGATED VERSION FILL IN
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THE *'S YOURSELF.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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<The scene: a field with fairly large loudspeakers>
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BONK: What I want to know is, what the f*** are we doin' here?
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VIMMY: Yeah!
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SLASHER: Well, what the f***'s it look like, c***?
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[Bonk and Vimmy look around at the speakers and guitars slowly.]
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BONK: No f***in' idea.
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VIMMY: Dunno.
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HARRY: We're f***in' here to play a f***in' song, c***!
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[Bonk looks around him again.]
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BONK: You f***in' sure?
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SLASHER: Yeah, we f***in' are!
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BONK: Why?
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HARRY: 'Cos we're a f***in' rock band, aren't we!
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BONK: (incredulous) Are we?
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SLASHER: Oh shit, let's just f***in' play.
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BONK: Oh okay.
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[Bonk rushes over, grabs a guitar and starts violently playing (bogan
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style). But the amplifiers aren't on, and no sound comes out. He looks
|
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puzzled, but the rest of the band get their instruments and turn on
|
|
the amps.]
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HARRY: Do we need to tune up? Nah - we did that last week. Right, yer
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f***in' ready? 4 3 2 1
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[As soon as the first note is struck, both speakers explode. When the
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smoke clears, all four band members are left on the ground.]
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VIMMY: F***in' hell. Power chords, man.
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HARRY: Yeah. F***in' heavy metal mass destruction!
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BONK: How the f*** are we gonna play with no speakers?
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SLASHER: Dunno, but at least we don't need no more f***in' roadies.
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Want to see the great cover of Megabogue's new album "Abbey Bogue"? And you
|
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could meet ace-Megabogue drummer Slasher Rists! Just ask Raymond Luxury-Yacht!
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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--
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Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
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May be copied or reproduced without permission
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provided this notice remains intact.
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--
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Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are
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Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
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----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
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tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]
|