700 lines
30 KiB
Plaintext
700 lines
30 KiB
Plaintext
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO oOOOO OOOO. OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" .OOOOOO OOOOOo OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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OOOO oOOOOOOO OOOOOOO. OOOO oOOOO
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OOOO .OOOO OOOO OOOOOOOOo OOOO OOOO"
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OOOO oOOOO OOOO OOOO "OOOO. OOOO OOOOo .OOOO'
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OOOO .OOOO" OOOO OOOO OOOOoOOOO "OOOO. oOOOO
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OOOO oOOOOOOO..OOOO OOOO "OOOOOOO OOOOoOOOO"
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OOOO .OOOO"""OOOOOOOO OOOO OOOOOO "OOOOOOO'
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OOOO oOOOO ""OOOO OOOO "OOOO OOOOOO
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|---------------------------------------------------------------------------|
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| There Ain't No Justice |
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| #116 |
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|---------------------------------------------------------------------------|
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- Going Crazy in the Suburbs 11: -
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"I'll Never Find Your Eden"
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by Hairy
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listen,
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listen to me:
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i am a fool.
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i write poetry in the dark,
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listen to depressing music,
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struggle with self-loathing.
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i drink too much vodka,
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try to teach myself to smoke.
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i grow my fingernails,
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study the cracks in my hands for hours,
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watch my future slip away.
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i am a fool,
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completely.
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i am persecuted for my beliefs,
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for being strong enough
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to be an individual.
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i try to outrun
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time.
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i spend my nights alone,
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stare at the same four walls,
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sleep without the comfort of dreams.
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i watch compassion
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walk away.
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i cry out for someone,
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anyone,
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anything.
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a touch,
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a kiss.
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meaningless gestures,
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forgotten by the wind -
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a treasure to me.
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look at me, look at me:
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i am a fool.
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a sad, drunk, lonely fool.
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raised on barbed wire and
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boot heals.
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are my tears
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as salty as yours?
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
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got your letter today.
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i'm sitting here over greasy food and watered down soda, reading it.
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yes, my life is all fucked up. i've got no idea what's going on, or what
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options there are. above anything else i'm terribly lonely & depressed. the
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depression is average, i accept that. the loneliness just makes it worse.
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i think i mentioned this already in that other letter i haven't sent, that
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i've chased everyone out of my life again..
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the more you think about being alone, the lonelier you seem to feel. the bed
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seems to grow larger and larger every night - it's like sleeping in the middle
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of a field.
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being all swirly and "in love" is as much a drug as anything else is, i guess.
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i'd much prefer that feeling, but the vodka is easier to find.
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i didn't realize mr. murphy was in town. ah well.
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thrill kill kult / lords of acid should be interesting. i don't really plan on
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going, but if i sink low enough inside of myself i probably will, anyway.
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i should get a check for $350 tomorrow. i love the government. if i had any
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courage or motivation, i'd take the money and disappear for a few weeks - just
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drive off west, somewhere - anywhere. "anywhere out of the world." i'll be
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able to talk myself out of it, though, by reminding myself how the car's
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brakes don't work, etc.. i'm sure i can think of other excuses if i actually
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get close to doing anything.
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look, dear, buy some envelopes. 88<38> for 100. *i* even went and bought
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envelopes, and i'm poor.
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i wish the phone would ring.
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
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surrounded by
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emotionless faces
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heartless chests
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dead impossibility
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i just want to be held
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just some compassion
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in this dark
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some kind of humanity
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we both know
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it never happens
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
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i thought i had something to say, but i guess i was wrong..
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hello, it's the morning (2pm). i'm sitting here drinking healthy liquids and
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eating advil, to make my body happier about the poisons i poured into it last
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night..
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two days ago, when i was completely secure in my isolation, jill came by for a
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visit. how nice. she has such perfect timing.. she said something about not
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knowing whether or not we were "mad" at each other. she promptly fell asleep
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on my bed, and at very least i had something warm to hold onto for a night.
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it really didn't matter that it was her or anyone else. when you're starving
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to death, you'll take anything they give you..
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i got $500 in the mail yesterday from the state. that never really used to
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seem like much when i made $300 a week, but lately it seems like a fortune.
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the walls are the big problem, you know? the walls.. i've been sitting here in
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this room for forty-five days now, and each day the walls seem to squeeze in
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on you.. they take whatever feelings you have, and they compress them into
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something a thousand times more concentrated, more disturbing.
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i've got to get out of this house.
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shit, it's saturday. i've got a hangover and it's saturday - again.
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time is behaving very strangely lately. when you're sitting there thinking
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about it, it seems to creep along at a snail's pace.. but you close your eyes
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and go to sleep, and suddenly it's four days later. you see, you see what i
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mean? it's the 12th. yesterday was the 9th. the day before that was the 4th..
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have a pretty day, give chet my love. (?)
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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i bought envelopes, but i don't even have paper to print this on.
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i went to the batcave last night, finally. it was horrible. to begin with, i
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was still half hungover from the night before. i got there and had one drink,
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felt sick all night. lots of new faces, lots of people i hadn't seen - all of
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which were completely uninterested in the depressed guy in the corner. and to
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make the night complete, nancy & tom showed up. oh, the joy. oh, the wondrous
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wondrous joy.
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she tried to talk to me once or twice. i don't really remember what she said.
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it's just as well, i don't think i want to know. i remember pursing my lips
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at her and waving her away.
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some jerk who thought he was a part of "the misfits" was there. what an ugly
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hairstyle.
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i left early and got into some more acceptable attire. i wandered around for
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awhile, marveling at the city. i felt like shit, i looked like shit, and i
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belonged there. two little puerto rican women were having a fist fight around
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39th street - - that was amusing for awhile. some prostitute with breasts the
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size of cantaloupes was wandering around 8th avenue. everyone stood around
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with their mouths open staring at her. she'd bend over and tease them.
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boredom & misery somehow fit together.
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i want to get my hand repierced, but i don't think mark (the piercer) would
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approve of redoing it before it's had time to heal. it's been about three
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months, i guess. i know i should wait six like the rest of the world, but i
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don't really feel like it. nursing my hand back to health would give me
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something to do. besides - - it'd probably heal better now, considering i
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don't do anything but type & read.
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i wish i had the other summer over again, that day i came to visit you. i
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don't care about changing anything, it'd just be nice to experience it again.
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you're one of the most realistic people i know, and it's somehow very special,
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very rare.
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the publishing shit never worked out, but that was to be expected. my ambition
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for that died as soon as i went to sleep that morning. not that it matters,
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anyway.
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jim is so burnt out on reality, it scares me. he's worse off than i am. well,
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in certain ways, i guess. he can actually get decent jobs if he wanted, so
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he's one up. but he's broken, broken like the rest of us. if i end up moving
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in with him, we're going to sit around and drink ourselves to death. well - -
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shit, it's better than rectal cancer, i guess. i've probably got no choice,
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anyway. relocating to a retirement village in florida doesn't sound like much
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fun, so i have to go somewhere.
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maybe i'll join the fucking army.
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anyway: i came home from the batcave after sleeping the alcohol off in some
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motel parking lot. i went back to sleep, woke up with a fever, sweating to
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death. so i'm sitting here now, only slightly better, with makeup still
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smeared all over my eyes. i'm getting all spacey and it feels like the monitor
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is ninety feet away.
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that jessica girl didn't work out, but it doesn't make a difference.
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the "other" jill, the one from the limelight & columbia college, finally
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answered some of my mail. she's been trying to develop a life outside of her
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computer - - good for her. she told me all about some party she was at, where
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she sat around with tom and his girlfriend, marta. i was so appalled at the
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smallness of the world, this tiny box we are all contained in. i quoted a line
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from barfly to her to explain tom: "he symbolizes everything that disgusts
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me."
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i sit around and stare at all these compact discs i never listen to. i paid,
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maybe, $12 for each of them. i sit here and think about how many meals i can
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have with $12..
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jill ("the" jill) called to tell my machine that flash gorgeous (the guy who
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used to work the door at the batcave, worked at the limelight occasionally,
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etc) died of liver cancer. other than that, i haven't spoken to her. it's all
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the same, really.
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i went and bought henry miller. if there isn't enough drunken whoring in
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there, i'm going to come throw the damn thing at you. $11 is a lot of tacos,
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baby.
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well, anyway.
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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got your letter, along with the car insurance bill. there's no way out..
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this is my last sheet of paper, i hope i can think of something good to say.
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i got another message from "the other" jill. it seems that tom & nancy are
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dragging my name through the muck. i guess i shouldn't be surprised,
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considering who it's coming from, but it still bothers me. it bothers me to
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some horrible distant extreme. i don't feel like i'll ever go out again.
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i can't stand these fucking immature high school-mentality children. i just
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can't stand it. i want to strangle the lot of them. you'd think they'd have
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something better to do..
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your quote is sort of funny, "talking about michealangelo." i'm pretty sure
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the sister's quote is a little different, "talking about the lives they know."
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hmmmmm. i probably butchered the spelling on that, but i'm too lazy to fix it.
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fucking screaming neighbors.
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i think jill called me last night, but i was too sick to be sure. i've been
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doped up on nyquil for the past 3 or 4 days, haven't been able to eat. stomach
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viruses are no fun. i accept the nausea as a big sign that says, "slow down,
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buddy" when i've had too much to drink, but dealing with it for 4 days for no
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reason is sort of trying.. maybe i should check the machine, i wonder what she
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wanted.
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teli's back from 8 weeks of spanish schooling in vermont. he failed half his
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classes. it was a large laughing waste of $5000.
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let me know when you start your dancing career. some questions beg to be
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answered..
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another dry, shitty letter.
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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strange, well-traveled people
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associations with no purpose
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confusing hopelessness
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with some kind of wisdom
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words writhe in the dark
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thoughts and feelings and
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other things
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angels litter the floor
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i am a dog -
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i tell them this
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honesty for artistry
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hideousness for beauty
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eyes that refuse to work
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unblinking
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unfearing
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unnerving me
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people in a mysterious place
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happiness and magic
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i stare in awe
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i dream
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some things are impossible
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reality always gets the last laugh:
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i'll never find your eden
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
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disjointed smiles
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whispered tears
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poison and
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misery and
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madness and
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isolation
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struggling to make reality meet me half way
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nothing works
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coughs in the dark
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sorrow set to music
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fingers plucking heart strings
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plucking melodies from darkness
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from the bloat
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from the detachment
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shunned
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forgotten
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self-loathed
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children smile in dreams long gone
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dreams of history past
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a fairy tale hallucination
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my life is a series of weaknesses
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a series of
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hangover induced poems
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watch the clock tick
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imagine his hips working
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feel her slipping away into disgust
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there is no rescue
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there is no escape
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there is no salvation
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feeding holes within myself
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holes never filled
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drowned in alcohol and tears
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voids unfilled,
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just the same - -
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it's all the same
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"listen, i'm going to go.."
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"you do that, you're good at that."
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we cry as we kiss
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if we could care at all
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shivering in the dark
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shivering in disintegration
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you can have all that's left
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all there ever was
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if you could just show me joy
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show me happiness
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take me away
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into your eden
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your salvation
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cradled arms
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
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i still haven't got any paper to print this on. i'll have to scrounge.
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i've known some girl named "heather" for some time now, a year or so. she read
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some things i had written some time ago, and we started talking. i left tapes
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of decent music in her driveway a few times out of boredom, and little words
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spelled out with sugarcubes. she ran away to college, and i never heard from
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her again. ah well.
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jim was here about a week ago, and we were both working on a bottle of vodka.
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the phone rang, and it was heather. she was back from college for two weeks,
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and wanted to see me. jim & i drove up there, swerving and drinking the entire
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way. we sat in her driveway and jim talked to her for awhile, i just avoided
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her. we drove off into the dark looking for entertainment, but all we managed
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to do is run out of alcohol. we drove back to my house and continued to drink,
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jim trying to convince her to have a sip or two..
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after awhile, i had too much to drink. went and laid on the bed.. jim sat &
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geeked out on the computer. next thing i know, she's lying next to me. i start
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to stroke her hair, touch her face. she's on top of me, sticking her tongue
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down my throat. jim comes over and grins for what seems like hours.. starts to
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fondle her as she kisses me..
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teli arrives with a plethora of alcohol. jim finds entertainment in a new
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bottle. she continues to work.
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teli leaves. jim leaves, goes to beth's house for marijuana.
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heather starts removing clothing. i'm still drunk - i don't know what to
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think; i can't think. my fingers somehow find their way inside of her..
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i drive her home in the morning, still drunk. we kiss good byes, i drive home
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in some disillusionment.
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since then, i've seen her most every day. she turns out to be some fabulously
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well-to-do literature major. she makes me uncomfortable with my poorness. i
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keep questioning what she's trying to do, what she's trying to accomplish with
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me. she's mistaking my misery with some kind of artistry, i guess.. keeps
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telling me i'm a writer. yeah, yeah, yeah..
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her father owns a bank, apparently. she was born in germany, and traveled all
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over the world as a child. never staying in any place for more than six
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months.. italy, switzerland.. lovely european accent.. wardrobe could buy me
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several automobiles..
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in any event: she goes back to college in a few days, and then this finishes -
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whatever it is.
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other exciting news:
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a few days after this drunken encounter, teli got locked out of his house. i
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had to entertain him all day until someone could let him back in. we ended up
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going to some party, where this guy named eric wanted to have sex with me. he
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had been planning it for some time. he's a little 16 year old albino.
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whatever: we went. i sat in the car and drank a bit, to fortify myself against
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the crowds of people. i can't stand parties, i don't know why we were there..
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as we walked through the parking lots (he lived in a condo development), i was
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accosted by jocks, yelling "faggot" out of their pretty white sports car.. i
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took a few more steps towards the door, "if these are the kind of people
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outside, why on earth am i going inside?" we turned around and left.
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we ended up going to a pool hall, playing for an hour or so. we were alright
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to begin with, but trips to the bathroom to hit off on the vodka soon impaired
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our skills. teli decided he was horny. "good for you," i told him. "let's call
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jill," he said, "we can take her back to your place and have sex with her."
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"you call jill, and you do what you want, i don't want any part of it."
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i ended up driving him to her house, it was right around the corner. he took
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several slugs to assure himself that he really was horny, then went inside. i
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sat in the car and drank..
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forty-five minutes or so went by, and he came back out. jill was waiting for
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some friend of hers, and she couldn't go anywhere yet. i told him i was sick
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of sitting there, i wanted to go home. he went back inside, they both came
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out. i shifted my eyes around - i avoided her. she touched my hand, i took a
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sip. they went back in the house..
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i sat around for an hour or so at my house, more shots & spiraling state of
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mind. i called to find out what the hell he was doing. he was, apparently,
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throwing up all over her, her house, her friend who had finally arrived.. i
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talked to her for a minute. i told her the truth - teli wanted to fuck her, i
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didn't want any part of it. she got offended and started yelling at me, she
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wasn't a whore, this and that. i don't blame her, really, but i just drove the
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car.. "i'm miserable, leave me alone, just leave me alone, you don't know
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anything about it.. you wouldn't understand." i hung up the phone, took it off
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the hook..
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later that morning, i drove up to see heather. she didn't know what was going
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on. i just put my head in her lap, let her run her fingers through my hair..
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drove home, had more to drink, went to sleep.
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|
||
these have been the past few days. what fun, what joy, what misadventure.
|
||
|
||
jim's finally looking for a house - - too bad i'm dirt poor. i can't afford a
|
||
deposit & i can barely make the rent besides. we'll see what happens.
|
||
|
||
i'm just waiting for her to leave, so i can enjoy the whole "spiraling death"
|
||
situation that has been happening with my moods.
|
||
|
||
she told me she was in love with me last night - - she doesn't even know me.
|
||
i'm gentle and i'm sad, i hold her and listen to her stories, her worries,
|
||
everything else. is this what people want? is this all it takes?.. all i've
|
||
got to do is keep my mouth shut, i guess, let them have the little fantasy
|
||
that they concoct for themselves. reality ruins everything.
|
||
|
||
jill called a few days after the vomit fiasco - i wasn't around to answer. i
|
||
guess she cares about me in some way, but i don't really know why. she's never
|
||
understood, i don't think she ever will. we're too caustic, anyway..
|
||
|
||
hmm.
|
||
|
||
you are..? chet is..? work is..? things are..? etc. etc. etc.
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
|
||
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
got to get these thoughts down
|
||
so that maybe
|
||
just maybe
|
||
i can put them to rest
|
||
|
||
nights spent
|
||
in dreamlessness
|
||
remorse
|
||
longing for jill
|
||
longing for anyone
|
||
|
||
it's not even her
|
||
is it?
|
||
i don't know
|
||
so alone
|
||
so alone
|
||
just want to be held
|
||
just that tiny contact
|
||
a bit
|
||
of humanity
|
||
anything
|
||
|
||
contemplating shots before bedtime
|
||
to clear my mind
|
||
let me rest in peace
|
||
maybe?
|
||
no
|
||
i'm not that lucky
|
||
|
||
so cold
|
||
so hungry
|
||
starving for touch
|
||
god
|
||
fractions of a second
|
||
anything
|
||
anything
|
||
anything i can get
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
|
||
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
save me from this hell
|
||
the day to day
|
||
the grind
|
||
the fucking steel mill drama
|
||
the quest for fire
|
||
the wheels
|
||
the smoke
|
||
the haze
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
|
||
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
i know what it's all about, baby
|
||
i figured it all out
|
||
it's all about
|
||
falling into love
|
||
or falling into death
|
||
take your pick
|
||
they both go to the same place
|
||
in the end
|
||
in the end
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
|
||
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
so, heather is gone. just as well, i was starting to notice she was a little
|
||
girl..
|
||
|
||
beth (an old girlfriend) came over last night for some casual sex. it was
|
||
tolerable, but i have to look back and ask myself, "why'd i do that?" i was
|
||
relieved when she left.
|
||
|
||
two mechanical geniuses are trying to fix the brakes on my car. they've been
|
||
trying for three or four days now. $200 in parts later, and it's about the
|
||
same as it was before this all began. i just wish i could go out for food -
|
||
i'm starving.
|
||
|
||
teli and i went out with boltcutters to his college again, and acquired
|
||
another $2000 worth of computer equipment. cutting the security cable was a
|
||
bitch, let me tell you. but for the trouble, i get a new printer, and a few
|
||
other odds and ends. yay. maybe i'll see some money when we sell off the
|
||
parts.
|
||
|
||
jim's found a house, the rent is dirt cheap. too bad we can't move in until
|
||
the middle of october..
|
||
|
||
hurry up and fix my car, damn it.
|
||
|
||
i'm bored and lonely, but it's mostly just boredom. i'm not even really
|
||
depressed yet. we'll see how long this lasts..
|
||
|
||
mmm.
|
||
|
||
not much more to say, really.
|
||
|
||
i'm just sitting around, waiting for checks to come in the mail. i keep
|
||
telling myself, "i need to get a job," but that's about as far as i get with
|
||
the idea. i haven't looked at the "help wanted" ads in eight months..
|
||
|
||
teli keeps trying to shove college on me, which i suppose is a good thing. i'm
|
||
unfortunately very stubborn and unenthused with the idea, so the conversations
|
||
never really get anywhere. i know what's going to happen: i'm going to be head
|
||
fry-cook. a college degree isn't going to change that. i haven't got enough
|
||
patience or determination to endure everything needed to get a degree, anyway.
|
||
and this is besides the fact that i'm completely uninterested in.. well.. most
|
||
everything.
|
||
|
||
well, whatever: i'm more than prepared to lie about education. i just can't
|
||
figure out what kind of a degree i should give myself. something in computer
|
||
science? maybe literature? decisions, decisions.
|
||
|
||
bored bored bored.
|
||
|
||
|
||
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