677 lines
32 KiB
Plaintext
677 lines
32 KiB
Plaintext
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO oOOOO OOOO. OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" .OOOOOO OOOOOo OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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OOOO oOOOOOOO OOOOOOO. OOOO oOOOO
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OOOO .OOOO OOOO OOOOOOOOo OOOO OOOO"
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OOOO oOOOO OOOO OOOO "OOOO. OOOO OOOOo .OOOO'
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OOOO .OOOO" OOOO OOOO OOOOoOOOO "OOOO. oOOOO
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OOOO oOOOOOOO..OOOO OOOO "OOOOOOO OOOOoOOOO"
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OOOO .OOOO"""OOOOOOOO OOOO OOOOOO "OOOOOOO'
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OOOO oOOOO ""OOOO OOOO "OOOO OOOOOO
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|---------------------------------------------------------------------------|
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| There Ain't No Justice |
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| #103 |
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|---------------------------------------------------------------------------|
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Going Crazy in the Suburbs 07: If Your Memory Serves You Well...
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by Hairy
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i think maybe tonight
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i'll torture myself some more
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let's see
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how many skeletons
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are hiding in my closet
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each day is a struggle
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for oxygen
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for control of my form
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for proper posture and
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emotional stability
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home from work
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just another night alone
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wishing it wasn't this way
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where's my vodka?
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where's that orange juice?
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where's that girl who cared if i lived or died?
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been looking for her ring
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"are you married?"
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"no, it just feels like it sometimes."
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seems like so long ago
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it was just yesterday
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pissed it away into the cold grey memories
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whirrrrr
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the ring's nowhere to be found
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just as well
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i remember i told her to keep it
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when she threw it at me
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found the home pregnancy test
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remember that day we sat on the bench
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trying to be calm adults
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amidst all the childish stupidity of the circumstance
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april first
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nineteen-ninety four
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nine o'seven in the morning
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hello, fatherhood
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funny to meet you here
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at this drugstore
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blood stains on the mattress
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i can't even remember who they belong to
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beth
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i think
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poor poor beth
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my heart ate her
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just like all the rest
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09/10/94
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porno mags
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and rope
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and old sketches
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still can't find that ring
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hope she's well
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hope she's happy
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without me
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"who knows
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who cares
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who'll remember anyway?"
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i've got a lot of schnapps
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but not quite enough
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to hide in
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found the ring
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why did you let me do this to you
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why did you let me destroy your life
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corrode your world with my blackness
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what ever you do
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what ever you do
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don't let anyone like me near you again
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we're all the same
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all we know how to do is hurt
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take
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rape
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maim
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and then complain about it afterwards
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about how lonely we are
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after we've sucked the life out of you
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left you in a crumpled heap on the floor
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hate me
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hate everyone like me
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it's best that way
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it's best
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that way
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09/13/94
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intoxicated again
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familiar in my drunken stupor
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my alcohol induced unreality
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shhhhh
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be quiet, dear
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you're going to miss the sound
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of me pissing my life away
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into alcohol
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into the record industry
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into keeping manic panic in business
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into this techno mutilated hell
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into lesley's gaping cunt
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into jill's thoughtful heart
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i'm going to spend it all
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twice as bright
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half as long
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strobing catastrophes
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in my emotional imbalance
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"starvation for touch"
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save me
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save me
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save me from the future
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my maturity (ma-toor)
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career advancement
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progress
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it's all whittling me away
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into nothingness
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into a heap of splintered emotions
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half lives
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irradiated thoughts
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cancer flesh and
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sunken eyes and
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my god
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take it all away
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give me my womb back
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some safe hole to crawl into
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something
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anything
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"anything i can get"
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11/05/94
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"if your memory serves you well.."
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too well
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sorry
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here it comes again
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all that heartache and emotion
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strife
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nothingness
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bleak bleak desolation
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thanks
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thanks for the memories
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now get out of my life
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11/08/94
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sense of time fading
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satellite views
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expelled sweat and
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cold isoation
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commitments in the darkness
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things i wish i could forget
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despair
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failed humanity
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souls on the brink
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tortured by thoughts and
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misspent actions
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directed by
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driving hands of misery
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godless prayers and
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empty glances
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take me away
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into your bleak
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your cold cold death
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the stares that overlook me
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passed by
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again
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and again
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and always
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i thought i'd found a place to belong
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i found fashion
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and trends
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cosmetic surgery and
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one night stands
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death is more fulfilling than this
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this walking bloat
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these repeating thoughts
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night after night
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after night
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hangover
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recooperation
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intoxication
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the steel mill shuffle
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compassionless nights alone
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you can't escape fate
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you can't escape fate
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the only prayer is death
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"tormenting my soul.."
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i used to be artistic, you know.. i used to have big ideas, big plans. i
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still do, i suppose - just not as many, just not as often. it's another night
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alone at work.. "me, the night, and music"..
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i've been trying to find a way to get the two women in my life - - jill and
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my "every other week slut" - - together in bed. maybe then i wouldn't feel so
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bad about what i've been doing behind jill's back. who knows.
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sex is my only pastime, apparently. at least i'm (supposedly) good at. the
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"every other week slut" told me that i was a twelve on a scale of one to ten.
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if only she knew, if only she knew..
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i went off and spent $200 on gargoyles and old iron candle holders and hand
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dipped candles and all sorts of other worthless items for jill's birthday. i
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didn't get her anything for christmas - i didn't get anyone anything - and i
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guess i'm trying to make up for it.
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the cat keeps attacking the units. don't they get it? the poor creature is
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trapped in this tiny confined place, no one plays with it, no one provides a
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way for it to get exercise.. poor kitty.
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i had this big thought a week or two ago. something i could have expanded on,
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got big and melodramatic with, but i never got around to it. story of my
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life.. it all goes back to when somebody called me "sad clown" last year
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sometime. i guess it just fit, somehow. some wretched creature that can't
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smile anymore, can't feel happiness.. wanders around with tears streaming
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down his cheeks, trying to make others laugh.
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well, i'm glad i didn't expand on it.
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hey, the letters will get better - - i promise. i'm just in a slump, you
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know.. give me time, i'm sure i'll find new and entertaining things to
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butcher myself with.
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i found out that a friend of jeff's is hiv positive a few days ago. the guy's
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so cynical, so bent on things. i always sort of liked him before, we saw
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things in the same way - sort of. i wonder if he was like this before he
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found out, or if he was another generic happy camper.
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the local "i could be bi" looking video store clerk seems to have taken some
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sort of fancy to me. maybe i rent things he likes, i don't know. i think i
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devastated him the other night, though - - i went straight for the adult
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section, picked the most blatantly heterosexual smut flick i could find, and
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right up to the counter for him to check me out. you could almost see him
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crumble.
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i don't even really know why i went and did that, i sort of like the guy. he
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seems genuine about things.
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i'd probably have a weird homosexual experience if it were dark enough, i
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were drunk, and i didn't have to play at some sort of relationship
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afterwards. i mean, i could handle a nice "one night stand" sort of
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situation, but i wouldn't want to - - share toothbrushes? swap underwear? you
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know.. you know how it is.
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who cares, i'm probably going to die of some sort of sexually transmitted
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disease anyway. maybe it'd make me more interesting.
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i had to actually work the other day, and managed to break off most of my
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favorite finger nails. now all the hillbillies are going to get confused - -
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they used to look at my long nails, take into consideration that i wear
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fishnets and lots of black, bracelets and jewelry.. i'm shy.. well, the
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popular consensus seems to be that i'm queer as queer can be. now most of the
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nails are gone, except the socially acceptable "coke" nails, so they're going
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to start to think i'm heterosexual. i just can't have this - i just can't
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confuse these poor farmers - who knows what might happen? i'd better start
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wearing a stuffed bra to work to make them rest at ease.
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la, la, la.
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really, the letters will get better. time, that's what i need - more time.
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"talking in my sleep again.."
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had a horrible toothache this morning. i didn't get home until two in the
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morning anyway, and the pain kept me awake until seven. i slept a few hours,
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it woke me back up again. it was horrible. i thought about offing myself, it
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was scary. i suffered through it, i suffer through everything.
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no one realizes how strong the silent miserable people are. ok - i'm not
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going to be close-minded - i know that everyone goes through pain now and
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then. emotional, physical, whatever - it effects everyone. i just feel that
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if the typical "happy happy happy" person went through what most of us (us,
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the silent miserable people) go through, they'd freak out. they'd go on those
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cross-country murder sprees, or enter the publisher's clearing house
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sweepstakes four hundred times. they'd just loose it.
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i'm talking out of my ass again, aren't i always. i make my world what it is,
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and i'm the one who wallows in it. i should stop bitching.
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maybe i'll get three jobs to keep me occupied.
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i bought a pair of fishnet tights while i was on my little shopping
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extravaganza. i ran home and snipped the crotch out of them, put my head
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through the hole, and stuck my arms where the legs should have went. i threw
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a long black skirt over my clothes, put on my tail coat - - "i haven't been
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out in ages.." i thought. i'm going out tomorrow, come hell or high water,
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i'm going to get out of this "work - sleep - work" routine.
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maybe i'll pick up where i left off, maybe i'll find some innocent little
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girl's heart and crush it. sounds like something i'd do.
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"sometimes you take it all too far
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then i remember it's a game between
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you and me"
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i guess i'm back to my old quotation game. sigh.
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i still haven't written to that girl in florida. maybe i don't feel so guilty
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about it after all? i bought a postcard and decided i could at least send her
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that, i could at least fill the back of a postcard with something - anything.
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it still hasn't happened..
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i'm going to end up moving wherever i can find a nice $500-$600 rent. it
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doesn't even matter anymore, nothing matters.
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nothing has ever mattered, what am i talking about?
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blah, blah, blah.
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1/31/95
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hi
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how are you
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i'm falling apart again
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depression and intoxication at the limelight
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not much more to say
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same shit
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different day
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all those faces
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fuck them
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i'm dying
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---
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we all play our little games
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don't we?
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flirts and stares
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flirts and stares
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vincent,
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vincent my boy
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pour me another drink, vincent
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and feed my soul
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february 8th..? maybe..?
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there's a new siouxsie album / tour on the way, but being the big siouxsie
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fan as you are, i'd guess you know this. she's played a few shows in england
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already, sort of to "build for the event", and they were (supposedly) very
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good.
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blah, blah, blah. i'm at work again. it's almost midnight again. blah, blah,
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blah.
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well, i'd love to deliver on the promises i made about "this week's issue,"
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but i don't think i can, really. not much has happened. well.. let's see..
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jill and i were pronounced "defunct" last wednesday. i was laying in bed half
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awake after spending the night at the limelight. (yes, i did actually go out.
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first time in close to three months. wheeee!) something was bothering her. i
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kept nagging, and eventually she told me. i guess i should have gotten upset,
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but i was very supportive at the time, petting her head and telling her
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everything would be alright.
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i wondered why i was being so strong. i figured in a few days i was going to
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be swirling around in this ocean of sorrow and loneliness. i amaze myself,
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sometimes.
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anyway, life went on. no real sorrow, no real regrets. i guess our
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relationship was dissolved a long time ago in my mind - - i guess? it was. i
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gave up a long time ago, and i guess i'm a bastard for that. who cares, i
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don't care, i don't even feel, how can i be expected to care?
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soon it was wednesday night, and i was sitting around trying not to disturb
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my skin condition (another story i'll soon tell). jill pops in the room,
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giggle giggle giggle, and ruins my enjoyment of "unsolved mysteries" on the
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tube. "i got lonely," she says.
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we proceeded to do the typical things.. lay on the bed and talk, lay on the
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bed and fuck, lay on the bed and sleep. so much for "defunctitude".
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in a way, i was sort of sad it had all ended so quickly. i really have
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forgotten what other people are like. i can't remember what it feels like to
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fall in love, all of those things. friday i ended up going to the bank and
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squashing some girl's heart, or near-squashing it, so i guess i'm back to
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where i was awhile ago. (close to squashing it, i'd say, because i gave her
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lots of warning and honesty. "i hurt everyone," i told her, "i'm sick of it.
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i want to know all about you, and at the same time i don't even want to know
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your name." i don't think she got it, don't think she understood. "do you
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want my phone number?" she asked. "no, i'll never call you," i told her. i
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didn't mean to be cold, i meant to be honest. maybe honesty hurts, i don't
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know. she didn't seem all that saddened, maybe shocked.. the only thing that
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weighs on me is that she doesn't even really interest me - none of them do -
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it's just the "thrill of the chase" i guess.
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shit, listen to me. mister studboy, mister "i can have any girl i want." i'm
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so full of shit.
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i just like the feeling of being loved, knowing (or thinking) that people
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care.
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pfffft.
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skin condition: i've had this itchy thing on my upper thigh for the past year
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and a half. it just sort of lived there, got a little flaky, itched once in
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awhile. i went to a dermatologist for an unrelated bit of nastiness in the
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same general area last summer, and he didn't think anything of my flaked
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skin. well - - he should have. i seemed to have had "ringworm" (insert
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"variant of jock itch" or "tinea", whichever will make you less queasy). it
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got spectacularly itchy a week or so ago, i scratched the hell out of it
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(with my half inch fingernails), drew blood, and managed to give myself a
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bacterial infection (yay!) in the form of medium-sized puss filled sores all
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up and down both my thighs. yes, this was alarming. yes, this was a pain in
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my ass. yes, i went out and promptly spent $200 on doctors and
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prescriptions. joy, joy, joy.
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we're a poor family, you know, no health insurance, no insurance whatsoever.
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sigh.
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hmm. what else has happened? this is only two pages - this is not an
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acceptable letter.
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skin condition.. defunctitude.. mmm..?
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i'll ramble, that's what i'll do.
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you get to missing me if i don't write, eh? well - i don't mean to tell the
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truth here or anything, but i get a little lonely when i don't hear from you,
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too. i'm not going to go into the whole "special person, blah blah blah"
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speech again..
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jill, teli & i don't "have sex" together. that was sort of a fluke, that.
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from what i remember, jill and i were "going at it" one afternoon, and teli
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decided to let himself in. we stopped, but didn't really make much effort to
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get out of bed. after awhile, teli sat on the edge of the bed, and we all
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talked. maybe i started it - i don't know - but it happened.
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i was "going at it" with jill, while teli sucked on her breasts. this would
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have been fine, except that teli is a virgin. he has no scope of what he's
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doing. he's almost afraid of sex, even. jill was enjoying herself, not so
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much because of what was going on, but just because of the idea of it all.
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afterwards, teli went home. he never really progressed farther than breasts,
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which was just fine with all of us. jill & i sat there and reflected on it -
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- it was a pretty disgusting event that was not going to be repeated.
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my "every other week" slut has (hopefully) been removed from my life. it was
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fun for awhile, nobody got hurt.. no point in that, though.
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hah!
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hah!
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we've got lots of computers at work (thanks to me). i'm standing here typing
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you this letter on one, and when i run out of things to say, i sit down at
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the desk behind me and do the trendy thing, "surf the internet". that's
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||
right, the "information superhighway", the "infobahn".. the big buzzword for
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technology.
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anyway - - it's got it's amusing side. people (mostly college students) have
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this warped sense of humor that always makes me laugh. someone was written a
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computerized "magic eightball", where you ask it the question, it thinks
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about it, and shows you a pretty picture of the eightball with your answer in
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the center.
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so, after i wrote the first few lines up there ^^, i asked it "will m & i
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ever 'get together'?" and went back to writing. i just turned around and
|
||
looked, and there's the eightball saying, "most likely".
|
||
|
||
blah, blah, blah.
|
||
|
||
i don't trust machines anyway.
|
||
|
||
i bought the new siouxsie single, "stargazer". it's in a pretty foldout case
|
||
with lots of sparkles. haven't listened to it yet - - i probably should.
|
||
overpriced imports.
|
||
|
||
well, it sounds.. hmmm. that twangy folk guitar.. hmm.. yeeeek! it sounds
|
||
like a trendy alternative song. it sounds like "beck"! yow!
|
||
|
||
the box sure is pretty..
|
||
|
||
i like your letters, actually. i like the ink and the paper and writing by
|
||
hand and all that. it's very honest, very genuine. i imagine my letters are
|
||
more mechanical looking, very cold and forbidding. maybe they look nice, but
|
||
i still think they're not as "real" as handwritten ones. i'd write by hand,
|
||
but it just isn't fast enough.
|
||
|
||
i think i actually found a plan for the future. i was fairly impressed with
|
||
myself. it isn't much, you know, but it's something.
|
||
|
||
..fix the car so that it's actually usable by humans ..save some money ..move
|
||
to a cheap studio up around essex/hudson county ..get temp work in the city
|
||
three days a week ..work the record store the other four to pay rent/food
|
||
..worm my way into a decent place in the city ..drop the record store ..work
|
||
your life away, but atleast live closer to the city
|
||
|
||
what a plan.
|
||
|
||
i found a realty guide somewhere, the apartments up there really are pretty
|
||
cheap. yay.
|
||
|
||
i just found a list of 150 different ways to refer to a condom. the best, in
|
||
my opinion is either "child proof lid" or (i love this one) "mister log's sex
|
||
hat." you be the judge.
|
||
|
||
i'm telling you, that sure is a pretty box for that siouxsie single..
|
||
|
||
we're selling nasty nasty incense here now, and it stinks up the place.
|
||
somebody decided to name them horrible things, like "sex on the beach". just
|
||
hideous.
|
||
|
||
mister log's sex hat. hahahah.
|
||
|
||
i hope you're well, physically and emotionally and all. maybe i'll see you
|
||
someday, who knows?
|
||
|
||
i went to the bank last friday (day before the snow storm) to see how things
|
||
had changed. i quickly realized they hadn't. same faces, same music, same
|
||
everything. well, ok, a few new faces, but all the same old ones, too.
|
||
|
||
maybe i do need to be "free" of jill. i really need to get out more,
|
||
experience people and things. i don't know why it matters, because i can't
|
||
picture myself falling in love with anyone anymore - i think i manage to kill
|
||
the "magic" whenever i see it starting.
|
||
|
||
it's a waste, that's all. they all go to pieces when they open their mouths.
|
||
they all do, don't they? they look so quiet, so shy.. like they've got
|
||
something special deep down there in them. and then they speak, and you see
|
||
your error.
|
||
|
||
the thing that really amazes me, is that i gave you my phone number when i
|
||
was completely sober. and just right out and gave it to you, even. it's
|
||
usually some kind of a big drunken game, beating around the bush until
|
||
closing time.
|
||
|
||
i'm such a bastard, aren't i? standing here at night with ugly shoes and blue
|
||
jeans and cold hands, judging people. i'm just a bastard.
|
||
|
||
anyway: you haven't fallen apart yet, and you keep speaking. i don't know
|
||
exactly what this means, but it's a special thing that i'd like to hold on to
|
||
for awhile, so don't up and spontaneously combust or anything, ok? ok.
|
||
|
||
|
||
/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
|
||
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
|
||
02/10/95
|
||
|
||
fuck me
|
||
fuck my worthlessness
|
||
i don't want you
|
||
i don't need you
|
||
strong in my isolation
|
||
(keep telling yourself that)
|
||
|
||
oh god
|
||
i'm dying and
|
||
i'm calling your name?
|
||
why?
|
||
why?
|
||
what's come over me?
|
||
intoxication and fear
|
||
perhaps?
|
||
the lonely
|
||
the desperation
|
||
the starvation for touch
|
||
i've killed them all
|
||
killed them
|
||
splintered
|
||
split
|
||
nothingness before me
|
||
save me
|
||
oh god, please
|
||
you understand
|
||
don't you?
|
||
don't you?
|
||
you understand the lonely
|
||
the decay?
|
||
take me away from all this
|
||
somewhere safe
|
||
secure
|
||
hold me
|
||
for this last time
|
||
please
|
||
you're so far away
|
||
miles and miles and forever away
|
||
i'm alone in this darkness
|
||
so alone
|
||
so alone
|
||
and i'm afraid of myself
|
||
anywhere
|
||
anywhere
|
||
please
|
||
take it away
|
||
make me yours
|
||
whole again
|
||
make me feel
|
||
make me weep
|
||
make me live
|
||
make me breathe real air again
|
||
recycled thoughts and
|
||
romances
|
||
brink of devastation
|
||
please
|
||
anything
|
||
anything
|
||
anything i can get
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
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