286 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
286 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
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This is SLAP #3. SLAP now has it's own FTP archive.
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ftp.teleport.com /users/derek
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slap.1
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slap.2
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slap.3
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SLAP #3 is late but I am operating on once a month schedule now. I still
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have no contributors (except for VanRant in the last issue) Anyone is
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welcome to contribute material. Whatever! Send email for subscripitions! Do
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not forget to send complaints and adoration to:
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derek@teleport.com.
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Thanks
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Derek
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___________________________________________________
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INDEX
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1---PBS
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2---What We Need
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3---Historical Figures Explained Through Talk Show Psychology
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4---Filler
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5---Reader Poll
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6---Filler
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7---News Briefs
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8---Dad Is in the Ground and Mom Is in Jail
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___________________________________________________
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PBS:
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PBS. Public Broadcasting System AKA Pretty Boring Shit! Does PBS really
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serve the entire public the way they claim? Are they really that civic
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oriented? Who watches this stuff? Let's look at some of their wonderful
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programming....
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PBS sees it's mission as one to educate and enrich people through the medium
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of television. The market they end up serving is mainly their own egos.
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PBS allows a select few individuals to show off their extensive knowledge of
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the useless to millions of viewers. Ohhhh! We are so impressed. They
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stole half of their programming from the BBC, and British television is
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about as good as British food. I know the supporters of the BBC will always
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tell you how popular it is but with only 4 channels in the whole country to
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chose from ....wow what a surprise that 1/4 of the people watch it. The only
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good entertainment the British have provided the world with in the past
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couple of years has been their monarchy.
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PBS has some really great programs.
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The opera that you have to read along to understand are great. If they want
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to show music that needs subtitles, why don't they show an Ice-T concert and
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have the lyrics on the bottom of the screen with a little bouncing ball so
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all the suburban white people can follow along?
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Those cooking shows are great too. What is the point of watching a show
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about making some kind of food that #1 you can't even pronounce, #2 you
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could never find any of the ingredients at a normal grocery store, and #3
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looks like it tastes like crap. How about a cooking show that tells you how
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McDonalds makes that Secret Sauce? Or how to make your own Slurpys at home?
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These are the things Americans really want to know, like what soda has the
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best sugar rush. I want Ronald McDonald and George Foreman to host a
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cooking show. Kill off the Frugal Gourmet and Burt Wolf!
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What about those painting shows? How many people do you know that paint? I
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don't know anyone. Replace it with a show on how to use your camcorder.
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How to make your own home porno's. That type of thing would be much more
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successful and popular... although the thought of that Brillo-headed painter
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guy naked isn't too pleasant.
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Those silly kids shows. Sure, Barney is popular but what kind of a role
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model is he? The thing isn't even human. They need a show along the lines
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of the Mighty Morphine Power Rangers! That show has values that all
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Americans need. I can just see after your kid watches Barney for years and
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my kid watches the Power Rangers. Your kid will be singing, "I love you,
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you love me..." as my kid beats the hell out of him and takes his lunch
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money. Barney weakens Americas children.
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The MacNeil/Lehrer News Hour is nothing more than a bunch of boring people
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sitting around arguing over boring stuff. Get rid of that roundtable
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discussion stuff. I think they need to make it more like American
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Gladiators. I would love to see Janet Reno rolling around in one of those
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big steel caged balls, or William Bennet getting the crap beaten out of him
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by some high school dropout. Instead of debates, they should have a more
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empirical test. They should test the individual's resolve on an issue.
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Line the two contestants up next to each other. Whoever can snort an entire
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jar of peanut butter first wins. Anyone who would do that must feel more
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passionately about the issue at hand.
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Charlie Rose is another guy that just sits around a table and talks. He
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always plays up to his guests and gets them to expose some pseudo new age
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philosophical "this is how and why I live my life" point of view. Fire that
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guy and get an ex-CIA interrogation expert. Put the guest under a bright
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light, and torture them with electricity. This is the way to find the real
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truth.
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This Old House is another stupid show. What is the point of having a show
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about fixing up a house when all the work gets contracted out. They
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shouldn't show you how the contractor puts in the wiring or driveway. They
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should show you how to find a good contractor and stuff like that. But
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really, the program should be replaced with a more practical "how-to" show.
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A show that tells its viewers how to de scramble cable or build your own
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electric chair would be more appropriate. How about Dr. Ruth and Dr.
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Kevorkian doing a call-in show on necrophilia?
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PBS is really missing the boat on sports entertainment. They need a show
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dedicated solely to Monster Trucks. It is pretty clear that no country in
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the world can even come close to competing with America in the realm of
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Monster Trucks. How could PBS pass on this opportunity?
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The shows about the strange sexual habits of animals is a good idea, but why
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bother with animals' strange habits when there are plenty of strange sexual
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habits among humans? Just look at the British Parliament. Along the same
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lines, I would have to say that we need to get rid of Mister Rogers. The
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man obviously gets a sexual thrill from sticking his hand up inside a puppet
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and playing a woman in the land of make-believe. He needs help. Keep the
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kids away.
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I am about finished with my suggestions, but one of the majorly annoying
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things they do is the begging. I think pledge week/month/year is the most
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pathetic thing they could do. They give away the most awful gifts for crazy
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amounts of money. Instead of torturing the viewer for money, torture the
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PBS staff for money. For x amount of dollars pledged, have the staff eat a
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live gold fish or something. It would be sort of like Letterman's Stupid
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Human Tricks.
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Well those are just a few of my suggestions for PBS. With
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500 hundred channels on the way, PBS better start doing some
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more innovative programming, if they still want to squeeze
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money out of the American Viewer......
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___________________________________________________
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What We Need:
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...still even bigger sizes of fries and coke at McDonalds.
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Something the size of the GNP of a small 3rd world country
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would be nice.
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...more twenty somethings with bad facial hair who have
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intellectualized teen angst into a philosophy
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...a few more news magazine shows because, Day One, Eye to
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Eye, 48 Hours, 60 Minutes, 20 Minutes, Now, Primetime Live,
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Front Page just aren't enough for me.
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...shoes that are even uglier than Birkenstocks. Just to
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prove it's possible.
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...more talk about the Information Super Highway.
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...Time magazine to do a swimsuit issue of world leaders.
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___________________________________________________
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Historical Figures Explained Through Talk Show Psychology
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Vincent VanGogh wasn't a wonderful talented and tortured
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artist. He was just lithium deficient.
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Fyodor Dostoyevski was a deep, dark, serious, profound writer. He
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suffered from severe depression. Instead of writing, he
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should have taken Prozac.
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Adolf Hitler wasn't evil. His father never really loved him,
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and that caused him to feel inferior. In his attempt to
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overcome his feelings of inferiority, he felt the need to
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rule the world and destroy an entire race of people. But
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really, it was because his Daddy didn't love him.
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___________________________________________________
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What would happen if Shannon Doherty cut off Jack Nicholson
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in traffic?
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If Lorena Bobbit had teeth like Nancy Kerrigan she
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wouldn't have needed a knife.
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It was announced that former USSR head of state Mikhail
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Gorbachev will be wrestling in the WWF next season.
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___________________________________________________
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SLAP is pleased to announce it's first readers poll.
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Vote now for the worst toupee:
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1. Sam Donaldson
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2. Burt Reynolds
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3. Frank Sinatra
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please email your vote to derek@teleport.com
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___________________________________________________
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Now listen boys whatever you do... do not try and tie your
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penis in a knot.
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Bacteria make great pets.
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___________________________________________________
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News Briefs
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Seattle has just announced plans for the construction of an entire theme
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park based around the burial sites of pop culture figures. Currently Jimi
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Hendrix, Bruce and Brandon Lee, and the most recent addition, Kurt Cobain,
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now reside in Seattle cemeteries. The City Council is trying to secure the
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burial rights to such stars as Madonna, Michael Bolton, and Arnold
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Schwarzenneger. Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones is said to have
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offered his body to be buried in Seattle, but the Council rejected his offer
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on the grounds that burying his body in Seattle would violate federal, state
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and local environmental regulations. The city is best known for its grunge
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rock, Boeing, and the Seattle skydome, but wants to add a more timeless
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attraction. Faithful followers have often flocked from all over the world
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to pay tribute to their fallen heroes. In Paris, Jim Morrison's grave is
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the third most popular tourist attraction, and Graceland, the home and final
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resting place of Elvis, has drawn large crowds for years. Think of the fun
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of loading up the kids in the MiniVan and taking off for DeathWorld to see
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and explore the past of really cool dead guys. Seattle is only tentatively
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using DeadWorld Theme Park as its title but is looking to switch the name as
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soon as possible to prevent any confusion with EuroDisney. There is a
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lucrative market in housing the corpses of the famous.
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Madonna is attempting to change her citizenship. She says she no longer
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feels in tune with the average American but has found a true soulmate in the
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country of Singapore. After the publicity of the Michael Faye
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caning/spanking, Madonna made several inquires into the practice of caning.
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Madonna, herself has enjoyed the pleasures of punishment for being a bad
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girl and said that Singapore was a country that would treat her the way she
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deserved and give her the things she needs.
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Recovering alcoholic Drew Barrymore recently married a Los Angeles Bar Owner.
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Mattel has announced that they will be making a Nancy Kerrigan doll along
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the lines of Barbie. Also in a related statement they announced they will be
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introducing a GI JOE version of the Tonya Harding gang.
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___________________________________________________
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Dad Is in the Ground and Mom Is in Jail.
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========================================
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The past two weeks have been crazy. My dad had a massive heart attack 13
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days ago. He has been having some problems for the past couple of years but
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he was under pretty careful supervision. He had an assortment of medication
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that he was taking and was also on a diet of some sort.
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It happened during breakfast on a Thursday. He was eating his scrambled
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eggs, bacon, coffee, and toast when he suddenly clutched his chest and
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nose-dived into the bowl of sugar on the table. He died immediately. Mom
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and I looked on in horror and shock. The ambulance came and took him away
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and we did all of those things that you are supposed to do. After a long
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weekend, we buried dad on Monday. The whole event was pretty unreal. I
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couldn't believe he was really gone, but then Tuesday came.....
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Tuesday afternoon, I am sitting in the family room watching "Where in the
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World is Carmen SanDiego?" when the police burst in and arrest my mom. I
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was clueless as to what was going on but my mom was charged with murder in
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the first degree. They say she willing killed my dad by feeding him food
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that was high in cholesterol and fat. The DA claims she knew that the
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particular food she was feeding him induced the massive heart attack and
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that she deliberately fed him this food in an attempt to murder him.
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Mom is up in the county jail awaiting trial. They denied her bail on the
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grounds that she posed too great a danger to the public. I talked to her
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about the whole thing and she says she doesn't know anything and that she
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really loved dad. I don't really know for sure but she did feed dad alot of
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questionable food. I remember how she would give dad a big glass of whole
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milk mixed with a cup and a half of Wesson oil, and when she substituted
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Crisco for mashed potatoes or ice cream. It always seemed a little odd but
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I never gave it much thought.
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I just did a whole bunch of interviews with Sally, Geraldo, Oprah, Phil,
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Maury, Montel, Jerry, Ricki, Rolanda, Jenny, and Jane. My agent set it all
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up. I was getting so many offers from all over the place that I decided to
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get an agent. I don't intend to gain from my mother's imprisonment or my
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father's death, but I do have to look out for myself. I have a lot of
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projects in the works thanks to my agent... movie of the week, cookbook,
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T-shirts, etc.
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Just got word that mom's defense is going to be paid for by the Egg Council
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of America and the Wesson Oil Company. The DA said he is going to seek the
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death penalty. The trial starts in a couple of weeks and I have been called
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as a witness for both the defense and prosecution. I am not sure I can
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handle all the pressure anymore... I am going to kill myself.... I'm going
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to Burger King!.
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___________________________________________________
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