1419 lines
53 KiB
Plaintext
1419 lines
53 KiB
Plaintext
Over the years, people have criticised Rat, saying that its so
|
||
predictable you could get a computer to write it. Just input
|
||
a formula, something like "x" number of paedophile jokes,
|
||
"y" anti-Erk Anderson digs, a few rude ASCII pictures, toss in
|
||
some quotes and finish the lot off with Decadence's userlist.
|
||
To prove that all these accusations are ridiculous, we did just
|
||
that, and this is what the computer came up with...
|
||
|
||
===============================================================================
|
||
|
||
############## ############## ########## ########## ##########
|
||
############## ############## ########## ########## ##########
|
||
###### ###### #### #### ####
|
||
###### ###### #### #### ####
|
||
###### ###### #### #### ####
|
||
###### ###### #### #### ####
|
||
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
T H E R A T P H I L E S
|
||
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
###### ###### #### #### ####
|
||
###### ###### #### #### ####
|
||
############ #### #### ####
|
||
########## ########## ########## ##########
|
||
######## ########## ########## ##########
|
||
|
||
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
THE OFFICIAL ANTI-ERK ANDERSON EDITION!
|
||
|
||
JUNE 1990
|
||
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
The Rat Philes are now officially unofficiated with anything
|
||
official. The opinions expressed in this file are not
|
||
necessarily those of the authors and editors.
|
||
|
||
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
Quotes!
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
Yes, still people find these things funny...well, here is this month's
|
||
selection of goofups, misquotes and words taken out of all context...
|
||
|
||
"It's ready to go, Andrew, put it in."
|
||
- OS9 Mutilate
|
||
|
||
"It won't come all the way out!"
|
||
- Inka Princess
|
||
|
||
"No, don't pull it out!"
|
||
- OS9 Mutilate
|
||
|
||
"Put it back in!"
|
||
- Ghost Who Walks
|
||
|
||
"No you can't go in there..
|
||
There are already two guys in there!"
|
||
- Inka Princess
|
||
|
||
"Stop it!"
|
||
- Doc
|
||
|
||
"If I get off you can get on."
|
||
- Y RUNVS
|
||
|
||
"Oh good, now he's off, can I get on ?"
|
||
- General Discomfort
|
||
|
||
"It got stuck and he couldn't get it out."
|
||
- General Discomfort
|
||
|
||
"Cef had to stick his hand in and pull it out."
|
||
- Y RUNVS
|
||
|
||
"No, I didn't pull it out."
|
||
- Cefiar
|
||
|
||
"No, I lost it the other day"
|
||
-Second Row
|
||
|
||
"It's not so comfy now you've puffed this end up."
|
||
- Y RUNVS
|
||
|
||
"I think someone blew it."
|
||
-Cefiar
|
||
|
||
"Bend over, please."
|
||
- Y RUNVS
|
||
|
||
"Can I have my whip back now?"
|
||
- The Ghost Who Walks
|
||
|
||
"Getting a lot of whipping aren't you System."
|
||
- Qwerty
|
||
|
||
"Yeah, and I love it!"
|
||
- The System
|
||
|
||
"Y's tied up and she's not enjoying it any more!"
|
||
- Inki
|
||
|
||
"I'm getting molested here and I'm enjoying it!"
|
||
- Y RUNVS
|
||
|
||
"The one on the inside of the door works but
|
||
you have to know how to use it."
|
||
- Snowy
|
||
|
||
"Lift your leg little girl."
|
||
- Cefiar
|
||
|
||
"There's always the wall if he gets desperate."
|
||
- Y RUNVS
|
||
|
||
"It doesn't work, I've tried it."
|
||
- Ghosty
|
||
|
||
"I don't get it either."
|
||
- Y RUNVS
|
||
|
||
"I'm not drunk, it's just that they dress me this way."
|
||
- Y RUNVS
|
||
|
||
"I think I opened my mouth a bit too much that night!"
|
||
- Y RUNVS
|
||
|
||
"Why can't I say anything without putting my foot in it!"
|
||
- Y RUNVS
|
||
|
||
"You know what Inky did before?"
|
||
"She put her hand down my top."
|
||
- Snowy
|
||
|
||
"Just crawl under Cef."
|
||
- Qwerty
|
||
|
||
"Where are you supposed to put it Ceffles?"
|
||
- Y RUNVS
|
||
|
||
"Cef's got a wandering finger."
|
||
- Y RUNVS
|
||
|
||
"I can't lift my leg up."
|
||
- Y RUNVS
|
||
|
||
"There are children present."
|
||
- Y RUNVS
|
||
|
||
"Where?"
|
||
- Ghosty
|
||
|
||
"Cef, stop falling off!"
|
||
- Y RUNVS
|
||
|
||
"Stop it Cef!"
|
||
- Ghosty
|
||
|
||
"You should see what an experienced person
|
||
can do with a computer cord!"
|
||
- Ghosty
|
||
|
||
"Input Stephanie, Input!"
|
||
- Number Five
|
||
|
||
"I'm sorry Dave, but I just can't do that."
|
||
- Hal
|
||
|
||
"I'm checking on his hair."
|
||
- Y RUNVS
|
||
|
||
"Inki, does your pussy bite?"
|
||
- Y RUNVS
|
||
|
||
"Now, who wants some?"
|
||
- Snowy
|
||
|
||
"I fit quite nicely."
|
||
- Y RUNVS
|
||
|
||
"Come on Cef, share it around."
|
||
- The System
|
||
|
||
"There should be another foot and a half of it!"
|
||
- Inka Princess
|
||
|
||
"It does tend to stick up, particularly since I
|
||
just had my hair cut"
|
||
-Rob Judd
|
||
|
||
"I'll put that one down."
|
||
- The System
|
||
|
||
"You never know what might happen."
|
||
- The System
|
||
|
||
"Don't stick your tongue out at me when I'm laughing."
|
||
- Y RUNVS
|
||
|
||
"I wanna have a go!"
|
||
- Ghosty
|
||
|
||
"I've known that one for years but I've
|
||
never known what it meant until now."
|
||
- Ghosty
|
||
|
||
"Wait til I get on the bed !"
|
||
- Cefiar
|
||
|
||
"I got on easily...twice."
|
||
- Inky
|
||
|
||
"You should not go in and out so fast Y,
|
||
it's hard to catch hold of you."
|
||
- Hunter
|
||
|
||
"Cef, Close your legs !"
|
||
- Y RUNVS
|
||
|
||
"Neither does this one..but I know where to put my fingers."
|
||
- Y RUNVS
|
||
|
||
"It gets a lot easier as you practise."
|
||
- Y RUNVS
|
||
|
||
"I wonder why I've got a headache?"
|
||
- Snowy
|
||
|
||
"How can you get pissed on yellow stuff?"
|
||
- Doc
|
||
|
||
"Sorry, but we both want to be on top of each other ..."
|
||
- The Dooze
|
||
|
||
"Why stop now, just when I am enjoying it ?"
|
||
- End.
|
||
|
||
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
"Nobody Loves Me."
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
Nobody loves me
|
||
Everybody hates me
|
||
I think I'll go and
|
||
Logon to Happy Hacking BBS
|
||
|
||
They call me a geek
|
||
They call me a nerd
|
||
And when I go to parties
|
||
They call me a turd
|
||
|
||
I can't help it
|
||
I was born this way
|
||
Girls run when they see me
|
||
I think I'll turn gay
|
||
|
||
I sent a message to Inka
|
||
I asked her out with me
|
||
She said "NO WAY, NERD!"
|
||
Now I'm so unhappy.
|
||
|
||
Nobody loves me
|
||
Everybody hates me
|
||
I think I'll go and
|
||
Logon to Happy Hacking BB
|
||
|
||
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
The A-Z of why I hate Eric Anderson
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
by Handyman
|
||
|
||
a) His name is Eric Anderson.
|
||
b) His initials are E and A.
|
||
c) His board name is Happy Hacking.
|
||
d) His board initials are H and H.
|
||
e) He thinks his board is the best.
|
||
f) He thinks others think his board is the best.
|
||
g) He tries to make others think his board is the best.
|
||
h) His board is not the best.
|
||
i) His and Big Ted's board are regarded as being equal with content.
|
||
j) He logged me off his board today.
|
||
k) He says that Nightmare is "Un-original".
|
||
l) I have seen other boards with pull down menus.
|
||
m) He used to abuse me for no reason.
|
||
n) He put my name in his stupid quote file and therefore
|
||
my name is recorded on Australias' most ****ed board.
|
||
o) He is in a network called ClariNet.
|
||
['cos he's still looking for a good blow job ? -Ed]
|
||
p) Everytime I try to abuse him he never responds.
|
||
q) When I uploaded Opus he did not delete my account.
|
||
r) When I left abusive messages he did not delete my account.
|
||
s) He thinks he is great.
|
||
t) He thinks others think he is great.
|
||
u) He is not great.
|
||
v) He had users whose name is line noise left in his user list
|
||
even though they logged on a year ago.
|
||
w) When his board crashed it came back on-line.
|
||
x) He is hated throughout the BBS community.
|
||
y) When he leaves bulletins they are eight PAGES long!!
|
||
and you can't abort... and they mean nothing!!
|
||
z) He is ugly!
|
||
|
||
Stand by for list two... Oh and Eric if you're around...
|
||
WILL YOU PLEASE DELETE MY ACCOUNT NOW!!!!!!!!!!
|
||
|
||
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
The Bawdy Ballad of Boris the Butcher
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
By night, Boris was a big brute employed as a bouncer at the Bounding Bishops,
|
||
a brave and bold new bistro somewhere in Bundoora. By day, however, he became
|
||
the boring butcher at the Brown Brisket Butchers shop.
|
||
|
||
On weekends, Boris would buy bags of boiled lollies and other bounteous
|
||
bribes, and briskly set off for Bayside suburbs where he would befriend
|
||
small boys with his bubbly beneficent nature.
|
||
|
||
Unbeknown to the little boys, Boris was also a paedophile, and enjoyed
|
||
bringing boys back to his Bairnesdale apartment block where he bandaged
|
||
them to his bench and covered their beautiful bodies in bar-b-que oil
|
||
before beginning a quite strange behaviour. Most brutes who bashed little
|
||
boys were beasts, and berating them was the best way to begin. But Boris
|
||
had another hobby, he was into bestiality.
|
||
|
||
It all had begun when Boris, as a little boy, went on a birthday trip
|
||
to Ballarat, where on a beef farm he met a bunch of bunny rabbits. The soft
|
||
body of the bunny rabbit was just too beguiling for Boris, and he bonked
|
||
the beleaguered bunny rabbit until it was bone-dry. Boris gave the bunny
|
||
the boot, and bounded after all the other bunny rabbits, as they bore down
|
||
their bolt-holes to break away from the beastly boy.
|
||
|
||
But enough of Boris's background. Right now, Boris had slipped into his
|
||
favorite black beaded brassiere, and bent over the boy he was about to break.
|
||
Boris began by bringing in his brood of birds, all bound up in brown tape.
|
||
Then Boris brought out his broken brolly, a bedpan and an egg beater from
|
||
the kitchen. A bullfrog, a bag of bumble bees, and a left-over little
|
||
brownie from his last adventure in the Budawangs where he bumped into
|
||
a band of girl guides.
|
||
|
||
The little boy, called Bill, wished to be home by the burning fireplace,
|
||
with his big brother beside him, protecting him from all these bad things.
|
||
|
||
Unbeknown to Boris, Bill's big brother Ben had been following both of them
|
||
ever singe Bill stepped into that big black Barina all by himself. Ben
|
||
carried a bludgeon to protect him, and burst into the room and bashed
|
||
the bad man till he was a blubbering buffoon.
|
||
|
||
Ben felt much better, and breathed a sigh of relief.
|
||
|
||
By now you're barracking, for justice has been done. But don't bet on it.
|
||
Everybody knows the story of Bill and Ben ... and the sheepskin rugs....
|
||
|
||
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
##### ###### #### #### ###### #### ##### ## ## ######
|
||
## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ##
|
||
## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## #### ##
|
||
##### ## ## #### ## #### #### #### ###
|
||
## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ##
|
||
<20> ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ##
|
||
##### ## #### ## ## ## ## ## ##### ## ## ######
|
||
|
||
The Space Pirates
|
||
|
||
These are the voyages of StarShip EgoPrise, her unceasing mission:
|
||
to boldly go where no bbs users have gone before, to party till we drop,
|
||
and drink as much VB as we can along the way.
|
||
|
||
Starring in order of egosize...
|
||
|
||
Sulu................................General Discomfort (Yuen Ho)
|
||
The Guard...........................Dave Seikel
|
||
Captain Kirk........................Laser Brain (Rob Judd)
|
||
Doctor McCoy........................Doc!
|
||
Lt. Uhura...........................Amy Morris
|
||
Nurse Chapel........................Inka Princess
|
||
Chekov..............................Maelstrom (Boyd Adamson)
|
||
Scotty..............................Lazarus Long (Joseph Elkhorne)
|
||
Mr Spock............................Zodiac Mindwarp (Gordon Walker)
|
||
Starfleet Command...................Plato (Craig Sanders)
|
||
|
||
Dalai Erk...........................Erk Ampersand
|
||
Erk Creature Slave..................Galvatron
|
||
|
||
Space Pirate #1.....................Super Boy
|
||
Space Pirate #2.....................Handy Man
|
||
|
||
And various cameo roles by special guest stars...
|
||
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
Captain's Log: Stardate 90498.0923.1 (and a bit)
|
||
|
||
In a routine scan of planets in the Molestera-Minor Region, Mr Spock informed
|
||
me that readings from the planet Reknaw were contradictory to our Data Banks.
|
||
It was registered as a colonized planet, however Spock's scanners read no
|
||
sign of intelligent life. I chose to investigate.
|
||
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
(On the Bridge of the EgoPrise, in orbit above the planet Reknaw..)
|
||
|
||
KIRK: Team, you ready?
|
||
|
||
SPOCK, DOC, NURSE, CHEKOV : Ready sir!
|
||
|
||
KIRK: Prepare for beaming down, Sulu.
|
||
|
||
SULU: Aye, sir.
|
||
|
||
[FX] phhzzzzzzzzzizzlle!
|
||
|
||
(The team de-materialise in a flicker of visual line noise.. and reappear
|
||
instants later on the planet's surface....)
|
||
|
||
UHURA: Captain? Do you read me?
|
||
|
||
SULU: Problems, Lieutenant ?
|
||
|
||
(He reaches over her shoulder and presses a few switches on the console.)
|
||
|
||
SULU: (Urgently) Captain, are you reading us ?
|
||
|
||
(The only sound emanating from the speaker is a steady hiss of white noise,
|
||
Sulu and Uhura exchange worried glances, but decide they would look better
|
||
wearing their own, and swap back again ....)
|
||
|
||
SULU: Oh no! The radio circuits have blown! I can't make contact with
|
||
the landing team. Computer, what do I do?
|
||
|
||
POOTER : My decision making algorithms tell me that you'll have to write
|
||
aprogram in Turbo Pascal to fix it.
|
||
|
||
SULU : What a mega-awesome idea! And I can put my name in the documentation
|
||
in four places as well! Excellent choice, Computer!
|
||
|
||
POOTER : Aw, shucks.
|
||
|
||
SULU : Hey, don't let it to your logic circuits, computer. That's my job!
|
||
|
||
SULU : (sighing) These 6th generation computers.. I dunno! Who ever thought
|
||
of giving a computer human qualities???
|
||
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
(Down on the planet's surface, the crew encounter a typical low-budget
|
||
sci-fi studio setup, with rubber plants and a backdrop of hazy
|
||
mountain ranges borrowed from the Western filmed last week in the
|
||
same set.)
|
||
|
||
[FX] Phzzizzzzzlllee!
|
||
|
||
(The team appear in a haze of sysop-generated line noise.. Spock slowly scans
|
||
the horizon with his tri-corder ...)
|
||
|
||
KIRK: Are you getting a reading, Spock?
|
||
|
||
SPOCK: The sensors indicates this planet is inhabited by a race quite familiar
|
||
with modern technology. There is even a super-computer stationed
|
||
nearby.
|
||
|
||
DOC: Look! Over near those bushes!
|
||
|
||
(The team spin around, and are greeted by an approaching figure. It is an
|
||
somewhat tall creature, wearing very daggy clothes you would be shocked
|
||
to see on sale in Fosseys. There are funny coloured bits in its hair,
|
||
suggesting the figure has been accidentally electrocuted at some time.)
|
||
|
||
KIRK: We come in peace!
|
||
|
||
(Kirk nervously arms his phasor, and the rest of the team do likewise.)
|
||
|
||
CREATURE: Welcome to my planet, space men!
|
||
|
||
KIRK: I don't believe it! Spock, you said there wasn't any intelligent life
|
||
down here...!
|
||
|
||
SPOCK: There isn't, Captain. It's an Erk Creature.
|
||
|
||
ALL: Argghhhhh!!!!
|
||
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
(Meanwhile.. on board the EgoPrise.. the entire bridge is covered with Turbo
|
||
Pascal manuals and miles of printout)
|
||
|
||
POOTER: Warning! Warning!
|
||
|
||
SULU: What is it, computer?
|
||
|
||
POOTER: My danger-sensing memory circuits warn me the away-team are in
|
||
great danger.
|
||
|
||
SULU: C'mon. You remember the last time that happened?
|
||
|
||
POOTER: Why, that was important sir! The safety of the entire EgoPrise was
|
||
at stake!
|
||
|
||
SULU: Computer, the fact that Doc had forgotten to read you a bed-time
|
||
story before shut-down was not a good reason to call for a general
|
||
full armament red alert. Thousands of computers go through life
|
||
without a bed-time story from Doc. And they survive quite well without
|
||
him. In fact, scientists have proven computers have 34% less chance
|
||
of developing manic depression before becoming obsolete if Doc
|
||
doesn't tell them a bed-time story before shut-down.
|
||
|
||
POOTER: Sorry, sir. I will disregard the warning.
|
||
|
||
SULU: Hmm.. now where was I with that undocumented feature I was
|
||
working on..
|
||
|
||
(Sulu goes back to poring over the miles of fanfold printout, muttering
|
||
unintelligibly under his breath ....)
|
||
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
(While Sulu was arguing with the computer, the Erk Creature had led the
|
||
team to am enormous silver city, where they were prepared for an audience
|
||
with the Dalai-Erk, the supreme ruler of Planet Reknaw.)
|
||
|
||
KIRK: What an unbelievable place, Spock.
|
||
|
||
SPOCK: Interesting, yes, Captain. How a race of human-like organisms could
|
||
build and maintain such a technologically advanced city, and yet
|
||
not a single one of them possess a brain for intelligent thought?
|
||
|
||
KIRK: Spock, I feel there is something sinister about all this ..
|
||
Doc, what do you think?
|
||
|
||
DOC: Huh? Oh- yeah Captain I agree.
|
||
|
||
KIRK: Doc, what are you up to?
|
||
|
||
DOC: Just that I've been intrigued by this picture on the wall here.
|
||
|
||
KIRK: Why, it's of a family. There is father Erk, and father Erk, with ten
|
||
little Erks and the pet Erk-dog. What's so strange about that?
|
||
|
||
DOC: Spooky, thats all.
|
||
|
||
(An Erk creature enters the room, wearing a bright red and white shirt and
|
||
matching pants..)
|
||
|
||
ERK CREATURE: The Dalai-Erk is now ready to see you.
|
||
|
||
(As the team shuffles into the next room, Kirk pauses to talk with the Erk.)
|
||
|
||
KIRK: Tell me, Erk Creature, who does your wardrobe?
|
||
|
||
ERK CREATURE: (impressively) Why, I picked this nice piece out myself from
|
||
a space merchant who visited last week. Merchant Maher he
|
||
calls himself. Did a great deal on a letter box too!
|
||
|
||
KIRK: Interesting..
|
||
|
||
KIRK: (aside to Spock) .. What a weird taste in clothes these creatures have !
|
||
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
(In the Audience Hall of the Dalai-Erk.. a large room with an elaborate golden
|
||
throne on a raised dais at one end.)
|
||
|
||
ERK CREATURE: All hail the Dalai-Erk!
|
||
|
||
ALL BUT CHEKOV: All hail the Dalai-Erk!
|
||
|
||
CHEKOV: All hail the Dalai-Jerk!
|
||
|
||
KIRK: Chekov, your manners!
|
||
|
||
CHEKOV: (giggling) Sorry, Capt'n.
|
||
|
||
KIRK: (facing the throne) What an honour it is to be in your humble presence,
|
||
Lord Dalai-Jerk.. --- I mean Erk!
|
||
|
||
DALAI-ERK: What brings you here, humans?
|
||
|
||
KIRK: We have come to study your computer systems, lord. We, as humble
|
||
programmers from another STD zone, wish to learn and benefit from
|
||
your superior computing skills.
|
||
|
||
[FX] Sluurrp!
|
||
|
||
DALAI-ERK: So be it! You and your crew are welcome to stay for a period
|
||
of a week to study our systems. And you shall be guests in
|
||
my imperial palace, Camp Many-dung. But only on one condition.
|
||
|
||
KIRK: What condition is that, lord Erk?
|
||
|
||
DALAI-ERK: You'll be my friend!
|
||
|
||
(The Dalai-Erk comes down from his throne and puts his arm around Kirk's
|
||
shoulders. Kirk looks very uncomfortable, but cannot think of a polite way
|
||
to refuse the request.)
|
||
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
Captain's Log: Stardate 90498.0923.1 (and a bit more)
|
||
|
||
We have been studying the computer systems of the Erks for several days now.
|
||
We are continually amazed at the skills of the Erks, surely a race as
|
||
thick as these could not handle such technology. Chekov reported he was
|
||
finding some interesting results in his section. I collected Doc, his Nurse,
|
||
and Spock, then proceeded to Chekov's location.
|
||
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
KIRK: What have you got here, Chekov ?
|
||
|
||
CHEKOV: Capt'n. I've been examining these printouts, and I think I'm onto
|
||
something.
|
||
|
||
KIRK: Great, let me smoke it!
|
||
|
||
CHEKOV: No no.. look.. at this source code. Its not Pascal. Erks can only
|
||
program in Pascal. They're quiche-eating programmers!
|
||
|
||
KIRK: My God, you're right Chekov ! Spock - what do you make of this?
|
||
|
||
SPOCK: Hmmm... looks disturbingly like QuickBasic to me.
|
||
|
||
ALL: Oh no!!! NOT QUICKBASIC!
|
||
|
||
DOC: There is only one group of programmers I know of who program in
|
||
QuickBasic..
|
||
|
||
KIRK: Are you thinking what I'm thinking guys??
|
||
|
||
ALL: The Infamous Contract Programming Space Pirates!!
|
||
|
||
(Suddenly, a voice from behind makes its presence known..)
|
||
|
||
SPACE PIRATE #1: That's right !
|
||
|
||
(The team all turn to see two young men holding phasor rifles and grinning.
|
||
The slightly taller of the two has a bandaged toe poking out of a hole in his
|
||
silver space boot. The other is wearing his underpants on the outside of
|
||
his space suit.)
|
||
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
(Meanwhile, high above the planet's atmosphere...)
|
||
|
||
SULU: Now if the user types in this... we jump to location $FFA0 and forma..
|
||
|
||
POOTER: Excuse me ... Mr Sulu ... sir ...
|
||
|
||
SULU: Don't interrupt me now, computer .... I'm much too busy to read you a
|
||
bed time story.
|
||
|
||
POOTER: Not even the one about the bunny-rabbits ?
|
||
|
||
SULU: Especially not the one about the bunny rabbits ! One of these days I'm
|
||
gonna have to get Starfleet to overhaul your memory banks.
|
||
|
||
POOTER: No! Not like last time! It was terrible. I kept thinking I was a
|
||
microbee!
|
||
|
||
(a moment of transcendental silence)
|
||
|
||
POOTER: (Sulking) Well, there is this other matter ...
|
||
|
||
SULU: (Impatiently) What now ?
|
||
|
||
POOTER: It's the Captain, sir ... he hasn't reported in today ... and his
|
||
communicator isn't responding
|
||
|
||
SULU: Quick! Call Scotty! I'm gonna have to beam down there..
|
||
|
||
POOTER: Sco-o-o-tteeeee !
|
||
|
||
(Sulu gives the main console a rather pained look.)
|
||
|
||
SULU: No, on the communicator, you dweeb !
|
||
|
||
POOTER: Sorry !
|
||
|
||
(A slight crackle and Scotty's voice is heard on the communicator.)
|
||
|
||
SCOTTY: Och, If I give her any more Capt'n, she'll blow !
|
||
|
||
SULU: (mumbling) You should be so lucky !
|
||
|
||
SCOTTY: What was that ? I couldnae read it, your signal is breaking up, sirrh!
|
||
|
||
SULU: Just beam me down, Scotty. And quit with those corny cliches, OK!
|
||
|
||
SCOTTY: Sorry, but I canna change the laws of physics ... or the rules of
|
||
the Writer's Guild. You know there has to be at least four corny
|
||
cliches per script !
|
||
|
||
(Sulu proceeds to the transporter room, and is beamed down to the planet in a
|
||
colourful burst of ANSI line noise.)
|
||
|
||
SCOTTY: (via communicator) Did ye arrive alright then, sir ? There seemed to be
|
||
a wee bit of line noise on the way ...
|
||
|
||
SULU: Yes, I'm fine now thanks ... just a slight touch of general discomfort.
|
||
|
||
(He unholsters his magnum-phasor and stealthily creeps towards the main
|
||
computer complex.)
|
||
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
(Inside the computer complex, the space pirates are still holding our heroes
|
||
as captives.)
|
||
|
||
KIRK: Hey, I thought that you space pirates never came into this sector. What
|
||
are you doing here, on a planet full of pascal programmers ?
|
||
|
||
PIRATE #1: We've come to show them the error of their ways, to teach these
|
||
poor deluded fools the only real language for programming ..
|
||
|
||
SPOCK: Assembler ?
|
||
|
||
DOC: Turbo C ?
|
||
|
||
PIRATE #2: No ! QUICKBASIC
|
||
|
||
ALL : aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhh!
|
||
|
||
PIRATE #1: What's wrong with QuickBASIC ?
|
||
|
||
SPOCK: It's not logical ... no one can program in quickbasic ....
|
||
|
||
PIRATE #2: Wanna make a bet ?
|
||
|
||
(Pirate #2 waves his phasor rifle menacingly towards the away-team.)
|
||
|
||
SPOCK: Ok ! Ok ! So I admit it ! I program in QuickBasic too!
|
||
|
||
KIRK: What!? Spock!? You traitor!
|
||
|
||
DOC: Sorry, Capt'n. But I have too. I wrote my adventures in it.
|
||
|
||
KIRK: Doc, you too?? Ohh noo!
|
||
|
||
PIRATE #1: You see, Kirk. We will take over the universe with QuickBasic.
|
||
The universe is doomed when we achieve ultimate dominance!
|
||
|
||
KIRK: Ultimate dominance??
|
||
|
||
PIRATE #1: Yes, yes! When every copy of all the decent 4GL's are wiped from he
|
||
memory banks of all the universe's computers. Everybody will be
|
||
using QuickBasic. And we'll have ultimate power over everybody!
|
||
|
||
(Pirate #1 cackles to himself.)
|
||
|
||
KIRK: You'll never get away with this! Never!
|
||
|
||
(The away team are hustled off to the system operator's room where they
|
||
are locked in with only old copies of VAX & PDP manuals to read. After
|
||
several hours of this inhuman torture they are marched off and board a
|
||
space shuttle. )
|
||
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
(Ignorant to the fate of our heroes at the computer centre, our brave and
|
||
courageous programmer Sulu has reaches the Erk City and requests an
|
||
audience with the Dalai Erk.)
|
||
|
||
SULU: I demand to know what has happened to my comrades!
|
||
|
||
ERK CREATURE: I'm sorry, sir, but his highness, the Dalai Erk, cannot
|
||
be seen now.
|
||
|
||
SULU: Phah! This is a matter of umost urgency! My ego is at stake!
|
||
|
||
(Sulu, in desperation, pulls out his Magnum-Phasor and places it under
|
||
the nose of the Erk Creature.)
|
||
|
||
SULU: Look you pungent smelling, slithering little vile excuse for a Vic-20
|
||
with built in 20x20 pixel graphics card... if you don't open those
|
||
doors now I'll blast your proboscis so far into your face that not
|
||
even playing FaceMaker on a Tandy CoCo will repair the damage!
|
||
|
||
ERK CREATURE: Help! Here - take the key! Take all my keys! Argghhh!
|
||
|
||
(The Erk Creature runs off, crying "mommieeeee" at the top of his
|
||
weak little Erk Creature voice.
|
||
|
||
Sulu storms into the royal chamber, and finds the Dalai Erk slumped in his
|
||
throne, apparently asleep.)
|
||
|
||
SULU: Your royal Erkness! I must speak with you.
|
||
|
||
(Strangely, the Dalai Erk does not respond.)
|
||
|
||
SULU: (worried) Erk?
|
||
|
||
(Still, no response. Sulu becomes even more worried, in fact more worried than
|
||
any human has ever worried about a Erk creature before. He peers intently at
|
||
the figure. It does not move. Not a single sigh. Sulu steps up onto the
|
||
platform supporting the throne, and examines the situation intently.)
|
||
|
||
SULU: (mumbling to himself) Why! There is a small button on the side of
|
||
this throne. I wonder what happends if I push it like this..
|
||
|
||
(Suddenly, the entire platform Sulu is standing on begins to rotate. A gap
|
||
between the throne and the wall begins to widen...)
|
||
|
||
SULU: AWESOME!!!!! It's a secret room!
|
||
|
||
(Sulu, in his infinite courage, steps into the hidden room. There he finds
|
||
an array of computer screens, buttons and switches. One particular screen
|
||
shows the view of the room behind him, as if one sat upon the throne..)
|
||
|
||
SULU: Wow! That Erk Creature isn't actually an Erk creature! It's a machine!
|
||
And controlled by someone from here! How mega-awesome! Totally freakish!
|
||
|
||
(Sulu is attracted to another video screen. It shows a small rectangular
|
||
room, with some people hovering in the centre. A single figure parades
|
||
around the small crowd, waving what appears a hand-held weapon.)
|
||
|
||
SULU: Why! It's the Captain. And Spock! And the team! I've got to save them.
|
||
|
||
(Sulu turns to leave, and is suprised by a figure that has appeared at
|
||
the doorway ... It is a gorgeous young woman, wearing a pin-striped jacket
|
||
and Doc Martens, wavering a sub-automatic phasor rifle menacingly
|
||
in Sulu's direction.)
|
||
|
||
MR. JORDAN: Not so fast, you meddling fool!
|
||
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
SULU: Jordy, what on earth are you doing on this horrible planet!?
|
||
|
||
JORDAN: Shut up, and keep walking.
|
||
|
||
SULU: Where are you taking me?
|
||
|
||
JORDAN: To my space shuttle. Now move it!
|
||
|
||
(The couple arrive at the space shuttle station, and board the first
|
||
waiting shuttle. MJ takes the contols, and soon they blast off and
|
||
zoom upwards into the atmosphere.)
|
||
|
||
(There are several minutes of crystal silence, then Jordy recklessly breaks it
|
||
with a cry of alarm..)
|
||
|
||
JORDY: What!?!?! Who the F*!& would be flying on the wrong side of the
|
||
air-road!
|
||
|
||
(She leaps back from the controls, and seconds later the entire shuttle
|
||
explodes into a ball of flame, like a modem experiencing a lightning
|
||
strike.)
|
||
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
(In another space shuttle only minutes before the above happenings...)
|
||
|
||
PIRATE #1: Stay on course, you Happy Hacking user ... you, you Volvo driver!
|
||
|
||
MCCOY: Dammit, I'm a Doctor, not a chauffeur ! I'm sorry, but this is the
|
||
only way I know to drive!
|
||
|
||
PIRATE #1: Argh.. look...!! ... let me drive.
|
||
|
||
MCCOY: No,... no!! Let go of the controls!
|
||
|
||
PIRATE #1: Arrggghhhhhhh!
|
||
|
||
MCCOY: We'll crash! We'll crash!
|
||
|
||
ALL: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghhh!
|
||
|
||
(The shuttle explodes into a rather impressive sphere of slow CGA monitor snow
|
||
as it strikes another shuttle mid air.)
|
||
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
(Moments later, and several hundred feet below, some figures began to
|
||
emerge from a pile of twisted metal and collapsed concrete..)
|
||
|
||
CHEKOV: Where are we? And what is this thing I am sitting on ?
|
||
|
||
JORDAN: (muffled) It's my FACE, you fool !
|
||
|
||
CHEKOV: (getting up in a hurry) Sorry!
|
||
|
||
SPOCK: I think one of my ears is bent!
|
||
|
||
KIRK: Stuff your ears, what about my hair!?
|
||
|
||
JORDAN: How much do I weigh anyway?
|
||
|
||
(Space Pirate #1, sensing the disorder of the situation, notices a
|
||
phasor lying amongst the rubble. He grabs it.)
|
||
|
||
PIRATE #1: Right, you downloaders! Stick your hands up!
|
||
|
||
(An instant later everybody has their hands raised high in the air, with
|
||
expressions on their faces similar to Captain Blood's when Jordan came
|
||
into his room and caught him in a compromising position with a pair of
|
||
tweezers and a magnifying glass.)
|
||
|
||
SULU: Who on Alpha Centauri are you!?
|
||
|
||
PIRATE #1: Why, I'm a space pirate, planning to rule the universe with
|
||
QuickBasic.
|
||
|
||
ALL: Arrrgghhhhhhh!! Not QuickBasic!!
|
||
|
||
(As everyone cries out, Jordan quickly gets up and grabs the phasor
|
||
from Pirate #1's grasp.)
|
||
|
||
JORDAN: Not for long! Because I've been controlling the Erks on this
|
||
planet for ages, through my ingenious contraption called the
|
||
Dalai Erk. The Erks did everything for me! The fools! They even
|
||
copied all of the source code you poor deluded pirates wrote,
|
||
but this time they did it in Logo.
|
||
|
||
ALL: Arrrrrrggggggggghh!!!! Not LOGO!!!!!
|
||
|
||
(Suddenly, Nurse Chapel comes out of hiding from a nearby pile of rubble.
|
||
She is wielding a sub-automatic bazooka, stolen from one of Doc's adventures.)
|
||
|
||
NURSE CHAPEL: Ha! You think you have it all worked out! Pahh!!
|
||
I was onto your little scheme from the start, Jordan!.
|
||
I knew that creature couldn't be the Dalai Erk. It didn't
|
||
give me higher security access, even though I'm female!
|
||
So I checked it out, and found the computer behind the throne.
|
||
And I fixed it, so now I'm going to rule the universe.
|
||
And I'm going to do it with COBOL!
|
||
|
||
ALL: Aaaaaaarggggggggghh!! Not COBOL!!!
|
||
|
||
MCCOY: Christine, my dearest nurse. How could you do such a thing?
|
||
Don't you love me anymore?
|
||
|
||
NURSE CHAPEL: (defiantly) NO ! I love Spock ! He's my hero, my White Knight!
|
||
|
||
MCCOY: (slowly getting up) But Nurse.. my love.. apple of mine eye...
|
||
|
||
NURSE CHAPEL: Oh.. Doc.. my sweet love.. my idol and inspiration in life.. I'm
|
||
so confused ....
|
||
|
||
(Doc McCoy suddenly jumps out of soppy-mode, and lunges for the bazooka which
|
||
he wrenches from her grasp.)
|
||
|
||
DOC MCCOY: Ha! Sucker! I've got the gun now!
|
||
|
||
NURSE CHAPEL: Waahhhhhh!!
|
||
|
||
MCCOY: (to everyone) You're all in for it now! While all you
|
||
silly people were fighting over control of the Erks, I
|
||
was busily logging onto the system remotely from my
|
||
terminal in the sickbay on the Egoprise. And I changed
|
||
the code! So I'm gonna rule the universe! I'm gonna be
|
||
the ruler of the universe! Nyaah nyaaah nee-nyah nyah.
|
||
I'm gonna be the ruler of the universe!
|
||
|
||
KIRK: (Confused) But.. but... what language will you do it with?
|
||
|
||
MCCOY: My own script language for writing adventure games. Yes!
|
||
I'm going to use the Generic Adventure Script Preprocessor!
|
||
|
||
ALL: AgrgrgghhhhH!! G A S P !!
|
||
|
||
KIRK: Blah! That's what you think, Doc. But little did you know,
|
||
I tapped into your terminal and converted all your code
|
||
into MS-PASCAL to run on my Sirius computer!
|
||
|
||
ALL: Arrrgghhhhhh!!! Not MS-PASCAL!! Nooooo!!
|
||
|
||
KIRK: And whats worse! I connected it all up to my 120,000,000,000,000 watt
|
||
laser, and it's pointing at this planet right now. And if you don't
|
||
drop that bazooka, I'll press this button on my tri-corder and
|
||
it'll blow up the entire planet!
|
||
|
||
(Suddenly, the entire scene is engulfed in a haze of line noise, and each
|
||
and every particle of each person vanishes.)
|
||
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
(The gang re-appear in one of the cargo bays of the U.S.S. Egoprise.)
|
||
|
||
CHEKOV: Where are we?
|
||
|
||
SPOCK: Would you stop saying that, Chekov! If you haven't got anything
|
||
interesting to add to the plot, just shut up!
|
||
|
||
CHEKOV: Sorry, big ears.
|
||
|
||
SPOCK: Hmphhh!
|
||
|
||
NURSE CHAPEL: I think we're back on the Egoprise.
|
||
|
||
KIRK: And we're trapped!
|
||
|
||
PIRATE #1: (looking round) So this is where you guys hang out... this is
|
||
pretty cool !
|
||
|
||
JORDAN: How can you live in this place ? There is not even a single
|
||
Julian Lennon poster on the wall!
|
||
|
||
KIRK: (looking round) Somebody is missing....
|
||
|
||
SULU: I'm here.
|
||
|
||
PIRATE #2: Same here.
|
||
|
||
ALL: DOC!!!!!!!
|
||
|
||
(a speaker high on the wall bursts into life)
|
||
|
||
SPEAKER: Greetings! It's Doc here. I guess I won and you lost!
|
||
So you better start planning your first adventure game!
|
||
|
||
SPOCK: No! Never! I'll never write an adventure game in a script language!
|
||
|
||
KIRK: You can't force us! We will resist anything!
|
||
|
||
SPEAKER: Anything??
|
||
|
||
KIRK: (defiantly) Try us!
|
||
|
||
SPEAKER: (away) Computer, show our guest what might happen to him
|
||
if he doesn't co-operate.
|
||
|
||
(A panel in the wall nearby begins to glow, and a picture forms. It is
|
||
Kirk, but with very long, red hair, wearing a paisley shirt and purple
|
||
flares and a purple sheepskin vest)
|
||
|
||
KIRK: Arggh! No!! I'm never going to have my hair like that again!
|
||
Never! Give me a text editor, quick!
|
||
|
||
SPOCK: You might have him working for you, Doc, but you ain't gonna get me!
|
||
|
||
(The picture changes, now it is of Spock as a young Vulcan, and he is
|
||
actually smiling !)
|
||
|
||
SPOCK: No! No! Rooms! Objects! The lantern only works for twenty moves.
|
||
You can't pick up the rock. Close, but still no banana!
|
||
|
||
(Slowly the image changes again, and goes through each person's worst fear.
|
||
For Jordan, it is The Cafe going offline. Pirate #1 freaks out when he
|
||
sees Brigitte turn down him in preference to an Erk Creature. Nurse Chapel
|
||
faints when she sees Black Wizard, paging. Sulu sees his name being
|
||
deleted from the Haileybury Honours Board. Pirate #2 sees his BBS utilities
|
||
wiped from Nightmare's hard-disk. Chekov sees himself having a project
|
||
ready before the actual day its due .)
|
||
|
||
SPEAKER: And so, plebeians, rise and honour the new ruler of the universe!
|
||
|
||
(Everyone rises, feeling hopeless and dejected.)
|
||
|
||
SPOCK: Just one question .. how did you get everyone transported up to the ship
|
||
before, and why were you transported to a different place?
|
||
|
||
SPEAKER: Easy. Kirk threatened to take my life. The ship's computer
|
||
was monitoring the conversation, and as soon as my life
|
||
was in danger it quickly beamed you all up into the ship's
|
||
hold. You see, the computer was afraid that if I was
|
||
killed, then there would nobody left to read it a bed-time
|
||
story. So, I guess I win!
|
||
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
(Several weeks later, in an adventure-writing prison camp on the third
|
||
moon of Uranus..)
|
||
|
||
KIRK: Spock, I've gotta bust outa here. I can't take any more! Rotten food,
|
||
mean guards, Scotty's light-bulb jokes ... I can't take any more !
|
||
|
||
SPOCK: You can't ! The computer is watching everything we do.
|
||
|
||
KIRK: Look, I've written this adventure program here..
|
||
|
||
(Kirk hands Spock a printout..)
|
||
|
||
_________________________________________________________
|
||
/o/ /o/\
|
||
|o| |o|/
|
||
|o| |o|
|
||
|o| 10 PRINT "Enter your command >"; |o|
|
||
|o| |o|
|
||
|o| 20 INPUT A$ |o|
|
||
|o| |o|
|
||
|o| 30 PRINT "I do not know how to do that!" |o|
|
||
|o| |o|
|
||
|o| 40 GOTO 10 |o|
|
||
|o| |o|
|
||
|o| |o|\
|
||
\_\_____________________________________________________\_\/
|
||
|
||
SPOCK: It will never work, Jim !
|
||
|
||
KIRK: I'm sure it will. I'll enter it into the computer, and it should
|
||
tie up the system while it tries to find the solution. During that
|
||
time we escape!
|
||
|
||
(An alarm sounds, and a steady stream of programmers emerge from a
|
||
nearby room. Kirk and Spock join the queue waiting to enter the room,
|
||
and begin their programming shift.)
|
||
|
||
KIRK: I just type this in here like this ....
|
||
|
||
SPOCK: I do not wish to alarm you, Captain, but I believe time is of the
|
||
essence.
|
||
|
||
KIRK: (irritably) Why don't you just say "Hurry up," since that's what
|
||
you mean .... anyway, all I have to do now is type R U N and ...
|
||
|
||
SPOCK: Hey, look at that load factor! 2378.2 ! We've stuffed the system!
|
||
This is fascinating !
|
||
|
||
KIRK: Yeahh! Look at the smoke coming from that sucker !
|
||
|
||
SPOCK: Uh oh! Look - a guard is coming!
|
||
|
||
(A huge figure approaches, wearing bicycle leathers and brandishing a whip.
|
||
He has the longest fingernails ever seen on a humanoid male, and a
|
||
battered copy of the amiga programmers guide is peeking from his coat pocket.)
|
||
|
||
GUARD: And what is going on here then ?
|
||
|
||
KIRK: (disarmingly) oh nothing much.
|
||
|
||
GUARD: I will have to report this to my contractors..
|
||
|
||
KIRK: Quick, Spock! The nerve pinch!
|
||
|
||
SPOCK: No, better! I'll get him with the NERD pinch!
|
||
|
||
(Spock raises his left hand to the shoulder of the guard, and presses
|
||
gently into his neck. The guard twitches, then collapses to the floor,
|
||
sliding gently into a nice, comforting sleep.)
|
||
|
||
KIRK: C'mon Spock, let's go rescue the others. Then we've got to stop Doc!
|
||
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
(Meanwhile, Doc, the self-proclaimed ruler of the universe, was indulging
|
||
in his own form of escapism ... taking a leisurely spin around the
|
||
solar system in his rocket-Volvo.)
|
||
|
||
(A red light on the dashboard lights up, and Doc responded by switching
|
||
on the intercom.)
|
||
|
||
INTERCOM: <crackle> This is Captain Kirk of Starfleet, and you're
|
||
under arrest!
|
||
|
||
(Doc is unfazed, and switches to hyper-space..)
|
||
|
||
DOC: Har-har! You won't catch me! Not in that heap of space junk you're
|
||
driving!
|
||
|
||
INTERCOM: Wanna bet.. this little rocket-Porsche will outrun you anyday!
|
||
|
||
DOC: Yeah! Try and catch me!
|
||
|
||
(Doc puts his foot down on the rocket boosters, and shoots off into the
|
||
distance.)
|
||
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
(Inside Kirk's rocket-Porsche..)
|
||
|
||
NURSE CHAPEL: After him!
|
||
|
||
KIRK: No problem...
|
||
|
||
(Kirk presses down hard on his boosters, and pursues the fleeing Doc.)
|
||
|
||
CHEKOV: We're gaining, Captain!
|
||
|
||
SPOCK: Catch him! Catch him!
|
||
|
||
(The high-speed chase continues through the void of space, until suprisingly
|
||
the rocket-Volvo slows down.)
|
||
|
||
KIRK: What's that.. on the horizon!
|
||
|
||
SULU: Why, it's the EgoPrise. He's gonna steal the EgoPrise!
|
||
|
||
KIRK: No he won't! Sulu, give me your big one..
|
||
|
||
SULU: Pardon?
|
||
|
||
KIRK: And Nurse Chapel, I will need both of yours!
|
||
|
||
NURSE CHAPEL: Why captain, we can talk about that later..
|
||
|
||
KIRK: No, you fools! I need your communicators! They have dilithium
|
||
power sources in them, and they can help power this rocket-Porsche
|
||
so we go faster!
|
||
|
||
(Sulu and Nurse Chapel hand over their communicators, and Kirk quickly
|
||
plugs them into his dash board. Lights flicker on and the rocket
|
||
shakes, then accelerates towards Doc and the Egoprise..)
|
||
|
||
CHEKOV: We're too late! He's gonna make it!
|
||
|
||
KIRK: As long as we can board the ship before he jumps into warp drive,
|
||
we'll catch him!
|
||
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
(Doc is now on the bridge, madly rushing between the consoles in an attempt
|
||
to start the Egoprise. Suddenly the crew, led by Kirk, burst into
|
||
the room..)
|
||
|
||
KIRK: The game's over, Doctor McCoy!
|
||
|
||
DOC: You'll never take me alive!
|
||
|
||
(Doc reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a small black sphere marked
|
||
"BOMB")
|
||
|
||
DOC: Make one move towards me, and I'll drop this nuclear bomb and blow the
|
||
whole ship to pieces!
|
||
|
||
(Just then, a stow-away Erk Creature stumbles into the room, crying "Mummy!".
|
||
Doc is momentarily distracted as the creature stumbles against him. The bomb
|
||
flies through the air in a graceful arc. Kirk, siezing the opportunity, lunges
|
||
for the nearest console. He presses the de-materialise button, the bomb is
|
||
transported outside, into the void of outer space.. where it explodes in a
|
||
dazzling display of silent pyrotechnics ....)
|
||
|
||
THE CREW: Yeaaaaaaaaaaah!
|
||
|
||
ERK CREATURE: Waaaaaahhhh!
|
||
|
||
DOC: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!
|
||
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
Captain's Log, StarDate 182.242.3488 (and lots more I've lost track of)
|
||
|
||
Finally, peace has been restored to the universe. The evil Space Pirates
|
||
together with Mr. Jordan are behind bars on the Penal Colony Alfalfa Centauri,
|
||
where they have been sentenced to program the Commodore 64 for 10 years, McCoy
|
||
is undergoing psychiatric treatment and should be back to his relatively normal
|
||
self in time for the next episode.
|
||
|
||
Our ship's computer has been refitted with a Cray 78 Model, and apart from a
|
||
few odd quirks such as willingness to execute programs written by Sulu,
|
||
is doing fine.
|
||
|
||
The stow-away Erk was taken back to its home planet, and there he was
|
||
heralded as a hero, and elected to be the new Dalai Erk. His first rule
|
||
was that all females should have higher access on bulletin boards
|
||
throughout ErkLand. Sigh, I guess some things never change.
|
||
|
||
Signing off,
|
||
Captain James T. Kirk
|
||
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
(Suddenly the communicator crackles into life...)
|
||
|
||
ADMIRAL PLATO: But, but, but .... how come I didn't get any lines ?
|
||
|
||
KIRK: No buts, anyway, cancer cures smoking ....
|
||
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
--==> The End <==--
|
||
|
||
Stay tuned for next month's exciting episode
|
||
where
|
||
we rip off even sillier 60's sci-fi series
|
||
because we're too boring to think up plots ourselves.
|
||
|
||
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
Ye olde unoriginal-but-we've-got-to-have-'em awards..
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
Loser of the Month.................................................Erk Anderson
|
||
(of course!)
|
||
|
||
Pishpot of the Month...................................................Rob Judd
|
||
|
||
Commendable Pishpot..................................................Alex Rogan
|
||
|
||
Romeo & Juliet Of The Month............................Marty Monster (Bwigitte)
|
||
& Super Boy (Bwadlee)
|
||
|
||
Driver of the Month......................................844 Doveton Bus Driver
|
||
(with a top speed of 4 km/h on the flats..)
|
||
|
||
Drink-Driver of the Month..............................................Rob Judd
|
||
|
||
"I'm a SysOp!" Award..................................................Baby Soda
|
||
|
||
"I'm gonna be a SysOp!" Award........................................Eliot Ness
|
||
|
||
"I used to be a SysOp!" Award.........................................Zero Hour
|
||
|
||
"I'm trying to be a SysOp!" Award................................The Edge/Ice T
|
||
|
||
"Pageorrhea" Award..................................Matthew Jeffs/Jeff Matthews
|
||
|
||
"Am I having a good time yet ?" Award.............................Invisible Man
|
||
|
||
Telecom Technician of the Month.........................................Bigf00t
|
||
|
||
"Least Punctuated Messages" Award..........................................Doc
|
||
|
||
"Most Punctuated Messages" Award..........................................Snowy
|
||
|
||
White Knight Award..............................................Zodiac Mindwarp
|
||
|
||
"I'm the Editor so I'm gonna get an Award" Award..................Inka Princess
|
||
|
||
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
The Top Ten Worst Psuedonyms of all Time ....
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
We interviewed absolutely no readers of the Rat Philes to produce this
|
||
entirely opinionated rating of the worst ten psueudonyms ever to be
|
||
entered on a bulletin board system in Melbourne. It certainly says
|
||
|
||
something about bulletin board users in general...
|
||
|
||
1st ... "Exploding Hamster"
|
||
|
||
2nd ... "Leperous Baboon"
|
||
|
||
3rd ... "Flaky Woodsman"
|
||
|
||
4th ... "Toto's Climax"
|
||
|
||
5th ... "General Discomfort"
|
||
|
||
6th ... "Baby Soda"
|
||
|
||
7th ... "OS9 Mutilate"
|
||
|
||
8th ... "Farquar Elephant"
|
||
|
||
9th ... "Azarak Digris"
|
||
|
||
10th ... "Eric Anderson"
|
||
|
||
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
Call these boards because we're the sysops.
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
Decadence BBS...............794-7949......24hrs......Home of D.R.S.
|
||
Nightmare BBS...............560-7386......24hrs......DragNet Host & Games
|
||
The Cafe 4 line TBBS........894-2815......24hrs......Files & Conference
|
||
Phase V BBS.................803-6976......24hrs......Clubbers, Bunnies
|
||
Lightning BBS...............399-1030......24hrs......Support a newie!
|
||
Millenium BBS...............720-1483......24hrs......With WoofNet..
|
||
The CrossOver BBS...........364-1282......24hrs......The Old Tortoise Lives..
|
||
TimeScape BBS...............561-5217......24hrs......Messages Unlimited.
|
||
|
||
If you're a sysop, and run a great board, have you considered joining
|
||
DragNet? You can download DRAGNET.LZH from Decadence BBS's text phile
|
||
area and it has everything you need to know about becoming a part of
|
||
Australia's fastest growing alternative to FidoNet.
|
||
|
||
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
Credits and the Golly-gosh-they-put-my-name-in-the-list List.
|
||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
||
Contributors:
|
||
|
||
Inka Princess, Doc, Handyman, Super Boy, Cefiar, Y RUNVS, Snowy, Rob Judd,
|
||
Dave Seikel, and lots of really helpful supportive stuff off the net...
|
||
|
||
|
||
Other people who turn up to the parties for the free alcohol:
|
||
|
||
Ben Richards, Lachlan Maher, General Discomfort, Boyd Adamson, Joseph Elkhorne
|
||
(& Barbara), Gordon Walker, Alex Rogan, The Walrus, Ivan Trotsky, Big Bad John,
|
||
Mr Jordan, Captain Blood, Psychosonic Cindy, New Wave (& Jackal), RAD!, Ghost
|
||
Who Walks, anybody left in the Evil Angels, Night Stalker, Janine and Lash,
|
||
Avalon, The System, Spectre, Black Wizard (& ya brother), Hunter, Gnomie,
|
||
Psycho Felix, Eliot Ness, Baby Soda, Zero Hour, Defcon One & Pennywise, Ice Man
|
||
(& Lisa), Infiltrator, Neg, Rad and all that lot, all the DragNet sysop's I've
|
||
forgotten, anybody who turned up to a party and is gonna get cut with me if I
|
||
forget their names, and everybody else who reckons they oughta be here and
|
||
plans to break my fingers if I forget 'em. Oh and you too, Brigitte, Marty
|
||
Monster, Yahoo Serious and whoever else you are. And not forgetting Bruce Wayne
|
||
(Miracle Max), Quantum Leap, Garet Jax, and Jaymes, but only if he's still
|
||
going out with Brigitte. Razor get your arse into gear how can you be a DragNet
|
||
sysop and never show your face in public. Who could forget Grasshopper and
|
||
Oing. Are you two married yet? And anybody who called the CrossOver years ago,
|
||
Syn, Robert Woolley, Shaz, Natalia. All ten users of the Bug Factory (long live
|
||
TBF!). Exploding Hamster. The Archimedes and Bit Blaster. Kevin Lu. (This guy
|
||
said he had muscles. Ha!) Chinh. Hey what about Citadel users, like Mike Lewis,
|
||
Pug, JennI, Darren esq., Wombat. And Hagar's Longboat. Remember Yabbie Pump? He
|
||
runs a board called The Lit... The Outsider, The Brigadier, Danger Mouse. Shit,
|
||
hang on, I've never met half those people. What am I saying. Look, if you think
|
||
your name should be here, put it here, and if you don't know what the fuck this
|
||
is all about, then don't. Simple! Even a Commodore 64 user could work it out.
|
||
|
||
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
o
|
||
| |
|
||
| | _ ,-.,-. ,-.,-.
|
||
| `'| ||_||___||_||
|
||
| @ |_| | | \
|
||
/ ___,-, _\.__
|
||
\/ `.____________/ `.__.--.__.--'
|
||
|
||
The Dead Rat Society Lives
|
||
|
||
===============================================================================
|
||
|
||
See, I told you so! Who would even dream that it was possible?
|
||
No computer could write a rat Phile... never! Blah! Critics,
|
||
the lot of ya!
|
||
|
||
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|