1576 lines
58 KiB
Plaintext
1576 lines
58 KiB
Plaintext
Do you like poetry? Do you hug your computer before going to bed every night?
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Do you get depressed often, and dream about worlds beyond your own pitiful
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destiny? Do you like little children, especially little girls (or boys, depends
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what persuasion you are) with bows in their hair and innocent looks on their
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faces? Will you submit yourself to 'Syn ...' Worship? Do you like blowing up
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parliaments? Do you like bunny rabbits? Do you looooove bunny rabbits? Would
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you sell your grandmother for one night with a bunny rabbit? Do you consider
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yourself a deity, supernatural being or just plain God? Are nice, clean,
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wholesome, perfect, innocent, uncorruptable, straight people real bores in your
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life? Have you seen more than one Dusan Makavejev film? Have you seen even one
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Russ Meyer film? Do you like getting drunk? Do you like getting drunk after
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you've already gotten drunk? Do you hate your parents, authority and every
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other goddamn arsehole in this world? Is your I.Q. bigger than your shoe size?
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Can you count to ten in Russian? Do the letters L.U.S.T. mean anything to you?
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Were you one? Are you still one?
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Maybe you should consider joining..
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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T h e D e a d R a t S o c i e t y
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Things we do:
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* Produce "The Rat Philes", a monthly magazine about Life, The Universe and
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Paedophilia.
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* Get drunk.
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* Hold parties!
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* See Dusan Makavejev films.
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* Visit primary schools.
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* Annoy Telecom.
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* Write poetry. (try to anyway)
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* Puke at each other's poetry.
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* Start revolutions.
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* Convince the rest of the world that life is a joke; tell them that the
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universe is a humongously mega-hugely mind-bogglingly massive place, and that
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they're mini-microscopic ultra-tiny insignificant to it all; then steal
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their handbags!
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* Have fun.
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Interested? Geez.. you're weird!
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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########### ########### ###########
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########### ########### ###########
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##### ##### #####
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##### ##### #####
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##### ##### #####
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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T H E R A T P H I L E S
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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##### ##### #####
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##### ##### #####
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########## #####
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######## ###########
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###### ###########
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the monthly [well, now and then anyway] publication of the Dead Rat Society
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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RAT is now officially unofficiated with Anarchistic Tendencies.
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All coincidences are now coincidental.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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They fuck you up, your mum and dad
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They may not mean to but they do
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They fill you with the faults they had
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And add some extra, Just for you
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But they were fucked up in their turn
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By fools in old style hats and coats
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Who half the time were soppy-stern
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And half at one another's throats
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Man hands on misery to man
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It deepens like a coastal shelf
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Get out as quickly as you can
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And don't have any kids yourself
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Philip Larkin
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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RAT Top 8 at 8 Chart Dedications
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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"Young Boys...Your My Weakness" (Kate Cebrano)....................Inka Princess
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"What Have I Done To Deserve This?" (Pet Shop Boys)...................Zero Hour
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"All I Wanna Do Is Dance." (Colette).................................Mr. Jordan
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(and run around and play phasor strike and ride a bicycle and and..)
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"I Like Driving In My Car."............................Ivan Petrol-Head Trotsky
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(even if its not a Jaguar)
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"She's Got To Be Loved." (Jenny Morris)...........................Inka Princess
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"Everything Is Broken" (Bob Dylan).............................Cefiar Chunderac
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"I Want That Man" (Blondie).......................................Yahoo Serious
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"Healing Hands" (Elton John).........................................The Mentat
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(figure it out yourself)
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"Second Chance" (38 Special)........................................The Editors
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[This is a dedication to a friend - Ed.]
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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D.R.S. proudly presents..
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______________________________________________________________________
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/ _________________________________ ____________________________/
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| |____ _____ ____ ___ \ / ___ _ _ ____ _ __
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\____ \ |_ _| | | | \ | | | \ | | | | | __| | |/ /
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\ | | | | || | | || | | | | || | | | | | | | | /
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____/ | | | | | | < | | | < | |_| | | |__ | | \
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|______/ |_| |_||_| |_|\_\ |__| |_|\_\ |_____| |____| |_|\_\
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"THE SEARCH FOR A PLOT"
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written by
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Inka Princess
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(aided and abetted by Doc)
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starring
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Captain Kirk- Cefiar
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Mr Spock - Avalon ..
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Dr Mc Coy - Doc
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Sulu - Captain Blood
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Chekov - The Walrus
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Singh - Superboy
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Uhura - Inka Princess
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Scotty - Infiltrator
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Klingon #1 - Garet Jax
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Klingon #2 - Bruce Wayne
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Klingon #3 - Quantum Leap
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Admiral - Night Stalker
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Philosopher #1 - Dr Who
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Philosopher #2 - Dragon Ruler
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cameo roles by
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Mr Jordan
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Fallen Angel (Lusty)
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Eva Fidelas
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Psychosonic Cindy
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"These are the voyages of the starship USS Egoprise. Her
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unceasing mission : to boldly go where no bulletin board users
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have gone before, to explore new and unlisted telephone numbers,
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to hassle all young innocent female bulletin board users, and to
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leave no egos unshattered in their wake..."
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Captain's Log, Stardate 2161.4
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We have been on planet-patrol for the last four months, as a
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result of the .. adventures of the crew during their last rest
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and recreation leave. Currently we are circling one of the outer planets
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of the Solar system, Uranus, to be precise, looking for signs of
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hostile or penetrant activity.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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UHURA: Captain, sugah, there is a communique from Starfleet
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command... putting it on the main viewer, now.
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{The screen crackles to life, the Admiral's face gradually
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replacing the former scene of the planet's surface}
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" Captain Kirk, you and your crew are hereby ordered to desist
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from your current duties and proceed immediately to the 15th
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Quadrant. You are to be entrusted with the mission to investigate
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recent reports of Klingon activity in that sector particularly
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those centring on the planet known as the Bauddello. Information
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has come to our hands that Klingon women are revolting ....
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{Sulu turns to Chekov and whispers "they always have been", but
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both are silenced by a nasty look from Capt Kirk.}
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..and that as a direct result, Klingon hostilities have resumed in
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an unprecedented fashion. You will discover their intentions, and
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make a full demographic survey of the planet, paying especial
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regard to the possibility of colonisation, and a list of the best
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pubs and night-spots.
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Good Luck with your mission,
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your loyal, lazy, capitalist sysop,
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N.S.
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P.S. These Ad-Lib cards are selling like hot-cakes!
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Sure you don't want one? "
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{the screen breaks up with static, and then the former view of
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the planetary surface is displayed.}
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KIRK: Lt Uhura, tell Spock and McCoy and Singh to meet me down in
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Sick Bay for debriefing. Scotty, you have the conn. Sulu, Chekov,
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you come with me now, and Uhura, you join us in five minutes.
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{he strides over to the turbo lift and leaves the bridge,
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accompanied by Sulu and Chekov.}
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UHURA: Drat ! They always leave me out of the private convo's ! I never
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know what is going on !
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SCOTTY: Aye ! Me Too !
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Captain's Personal Log, Stardate 2169.7
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I called Mr Spock, Sulu, Singh, Chekov and Doc Mc Coy to the Sickbay and
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debriefed them. Mr Spock complained that such an act was not necessary,
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and when pressed, explained that he had just picked up one of those nasty
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space diseases from a night out with a whore called Fallen Angel from
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Eroticon IV Space-port. But it was imperative that I checked out the state
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of their manhood before we embarked on this expedition; the last welcoming
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party I had been to was a Masked Avenger orgy and I was quite put off
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being surrounded by small dicks. [Why is he worried ?-Ed.]
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Uhura joined us. Doc Mc Coy offered to debrief her too, but
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she declined emphatically. We adjourned to the Transporter room,
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and on notification that we had reached the designated planet,
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were beamed down to the surface.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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{Scene 2: On the planet's surface}
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SPOCK: We there yet?
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KIRK: Yup, this is the surface of the planet.
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SPOCK: Why can't I see anything ?
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KIRK: Take those goddamn Ray Bans off, Spock!
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SPOCK: Sorry Capt. Just that last night I was at a Rat Pissup
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Party and everythings a little.. um... brighter that it ought to
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be..
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KIRK: Right, McCoy, have you got the map?
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KIRK: McCoy?
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KIRK: Where's that goddamn Doctor McCoy gone to!
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SULU: He didn't materialize with us, Capt.
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KIRK: Shit. (reaching for the communicator) Scotty!
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(SCOTTY: Yesh Capt'n!)
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KIRK: Where's that lazy no-hoper of a Doc McCoy gotten to?
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(SCOTTY: He'sh jusd shtaggered into the Transhmitter bay, Capt'n!
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I'm beaming him down now....)
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[always wondered how scotch could make Infiltrator sound scottish!-Cef]
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[FX: Doc McCoy slowly materialises between Mr Spock and Sulu.]
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MCCOY : Urrghh. My head hurts.
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SPOCK: Doc, how many?
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MCCOY: Urggh.. Thirteen I think..
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SPOCK: Thirteen! That's illegal!
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MCCOY: Hey, I bet you drank at least a dozen VB too!
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KIRK: C'mon guys.. I think we're supposed to walk this way..
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MCCOY: Aaaargh ! I don't think I can !
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Captain's Personal Log, Stardate 2161.5
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As we transversed the sandy desert plains of the barren planet,
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Doc McCoy kept us entertained with the latest jokes he'd picked
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up on those boards he calls that no-one else has heard of...
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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SPOCK: Sand..sand.. everywhere.. damn bloody sand..
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[MCCOY picks up a handful of the stuff..]
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MCCOY: Hey Spock, what's the difference between sand and a
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period?
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SPOCK: Dunno, what?
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MCCOY: Well, you can't gargle sand for a start..
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[UHURA gives them both a disgusted look and gets out the tri-
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corder. She runs a quick sweep of the horizon, and indicates a
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direction change to the Captain.]
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Captain's Personal Log, Stardate 2161.6
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After several more minutes crossing the sandy desert, a Klingon
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Star-Ship - a Bird of Prey MK IV - was located. I instructed my team
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to approach cautiously, their phasers set to stun; these ships usually
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carry at least three warriors apiece.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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KIRK: As the wise, intelligent and courageous commander of this
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expedition, I elect Chekov to enter the ship first.
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CHEKOV: ..but..but..But why do I get the wally jobs now that Lachlan's gone?
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KIRK: No butts... anyway; I reckon anal sex is a real turn-off..
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[Chekov leads the party into the Klingon Bird of Prey..]
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SINGH: Yuk... this place is filthy!
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UHURA: Ick!...
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MR SPOCK: Urghh... what's that smell...
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KIRK: Why? I quite like this ship... real homely-like...
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CHEKOV: It smells worse than when Scotty took his sneakers off at
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the Limburger eating competition !
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MR SPOCK: Oh my head .... OH ! my stomach ! .... I gotta get out
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of here ! {He dashes headlong through the nearest doorway and is
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noisily sick, then returns, looking green and shaken}
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KIRK: What was through there ?
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MR SPOCK: Just the galley, captain. oooooh, my head hurts.....ooooh...
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I'm seeing double ... Hey doc, which one of you is the real Mc Coy ?
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SULU: The ship appears to be deserted, Captain.
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KIRK: Right, Mr Singh, please conduct a thorough search of this
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vessel and transport anything which looks valuable up to the
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Egoprise.
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{The rest leave the ship, leaving behind a very disgruntled
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Singh, who continued to berate the others long after they were
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out of earshot. Why couldn't they ask him to fly or bend bars or
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something else ace like that?}
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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[Meanwhile... about three miles west another conversation was
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afoot..(i.e. progressed from a mere ankle) ]
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KLINGON #2: Sigh...
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KLINGON #1: Whatsup?
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KLINGON #2: I need a women I can trust and respect .. You
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know...someone with more than just looks and personality
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...someone who can give as good as she gets - and doesn't mind
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the occasional broken bone!
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KLINGON #1: YEAH !
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KLINGON #2: Trouble is, all the Klingon females have discovered
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women's lib ... the entire Klingon empire is crumbling, none of
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the warriors are getting any and they're likely to ..... well
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lets just say I wouldn't roll a donut past any of them at the
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moment !
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KLINGON #1: Right .... I didn't know it had got that bad yet !
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KLINGON #2: It's worse than when we were back on Klingon, going
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to warrior training school !
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KLINGON #1: SHEEEEEEEEEE-IT ! I don't think I could handle
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another three week stint of celibacy ! Once in a lifetime is bad
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enough !
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{audience groans}
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KLINGON #2: Yeah, .... so what's this thing we're supposed to be
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guarding anyway ?
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[KLINGON #3 walks out from behind the cargo pod. He sizes up the
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situation in the merest fraction of a second, a disgusted look
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passes across his face as if looking for somewhere to perch, but
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finds itself outclassed and gives up ....]
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KLINGON #3: AT-TEN-SHUN !
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[The other two Klingons accord their leader the traditional
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closed fist salute. A snarl crosses his face, although whether it
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was due to pleasure or indigestion is a moot point.]
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KLINGON #3: We have come to this ghu-forsaken planet in order to
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enslave some of the best of the human females, only the strongest
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and the best will suffice for our fighting men !
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KLINGON #1 & #2: HAIL MIGHTY LEADER !
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[They accord the leader another salute, including the honorific
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digitus impudicus (central finger raised). They shoulder their
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weapons and trudge off towards the distantly seen Palace of
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Pleasure, reasoning that any place with that large a red light
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had to be a good place to start...]
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Captain's Personal Log, Stardate 2161.7
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Our search for the missing Klingons led us across the sand dunes
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once again, to the Palace of Pleasure, which, according to the
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map, was the only substantial building on the planet.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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KIRK: Here we are guys.. the Palace Of Pleasure..
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SULU: How do we enter this thing?
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SPOCK: Hmm... Hang on.. Isn't there a door over there; underneath
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that red light?
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SULU: Hey, there is too..
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[The five visitors shuffled there way over to the red light.]
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SULU: Strange, you would have thought whoever built this palace
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would have designed a more impressive entrance... Anyway: what
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does go on inside this 'Palace Of Pleasure'?
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KIRK: That's just it Sulu.. we don't know.. nobody from the
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Federation has ever returned from this place..
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SPOCK: Then what are we doing here!?
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CHEKOV: Hey guys..there's a sign here.. it reads 'Welcome to the
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Palace Of Pleasure..May your wildest fantasy cum true." And in
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small print they got... "Animals welcome; especially furry
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ones.."
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MCCOY: This place sounds my kind of place.. C'mon.. whatya
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waiting for?
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{Doc opens the little door and walks in, followed by the less-
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than-curious party... They find themselves in a lush bordello,
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with deep crimson velvet drapes, crimson-on-gold flocked wall-
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paper, beds with red satin sheets, mirrors on the ceiling, various
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racks of "tools",and a discreet condom vending machine in the corner.}
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SULU: Wow!
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SPOCK: Whoaaah!
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KIRK: Cool !
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CHEKOV: Unbelievable!
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UHURA: This has gotta be some kinda evolution in action!
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MCCOY: Kinky!
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{pause}
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MCCOY: I have never seen so many beautiful women in the one
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place!
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[Not since the vertical hold stuffed up during a Transvision Vamp video
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clip-Ed]
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{another pause}
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SPOCK: Move over guys.. I'm having the one with the cute arse..
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CHEKOV: And that one with the plaster. she's mine!
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KIRK: I bags the one with the Turban.
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SULU: Save the permed blonde for me!
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MCCOY: I'm having the little girl!
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UHURA: Oh.. thanx guys.. leave little old Uhura out of the phun
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huh? [she peers intently at the walls of the palace] Hey, you
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guys, the flocking on the wallpaper is a series of jokes ! ummm
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Q: What's a paedophiles' favorite television show ?
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MCCOY: What's the answer ?
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UHURA: A: C'mon Kids ! ......err, I don't get it !
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MCCOY: Come over here and I'll explain it to you ... in detail..
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UHURA: Ahhhh ... no thanx doc, I think I'll pass on that one !
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{She continues to read the wall-paper while the rest of the crew
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err .. partake of their various pleasures, muttering under her
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breath about the unfairness of being the only female member of
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the bridge crew, and the unfairness of the planet in having
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inhabitants only of one gender instead of the usual two or three.
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Several hours later, the way-team regroups in the palace's main
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bar .... spock's ears are drooping, and even doc mccoy's usual
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banter has lost some of its sparkle ..... Uhura has been drinking
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solidly during the intervening time, and is in vast danger of
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falling into one of her earrings and disappearing forever.}
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UHURA:{groggily} Snoo, guys ?
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SULU:{Puzzled} Snoo ?
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UHURA: Not much, snoo with you ? Hehehee!
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{Spock emerges from a door at the side of the room, labelled "LADIES TOILETS"}
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KIRK: What were you doing in there, Spock ?
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SPOCK: I just wanted to go where no man had gone before ....
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|
|
|
{It is, naturally enough, at this point that the two armed and
|
|
desparate Klingons burst in through the door ... firing their
|
|
phaser rifles indiscriminately in the air, fortunately missing
|
|
all of the important people in this saga, and only narrowly
|
|
singeing a few of the others.}
|
|
|
|
KLINGON #1: HAND OVER YOUR WOMEN OR WE WILL KILL YOU ! {he waves
|
|
the phaser rifle dangerously, to emphasize his point}
|
|
|
|
KLINGON #2: Hangon .... we're gonna kill them anyway, aren't we ?
|
|
I mean, it's no fun if you don't ....
|
|
|
|
KLINGON #1: {aside} Of course we are ... but THEY don't know that!
|
|
|
|
KLINGON #2: Oh, right .....
|
|
|
|
{The brave (?) men of the Egoprise look on helplessly as all of
|
|
the women are rounded up by one of the Klingons, while the other
|
|
stands guard over them, his finger resting lightly on the firing
|
|
stud....}
|
|
|
|
UHURA: {groggily peering up into the face of one of the Klingons}
|
|
Say, were you born that way, or did someone beat you with an ugly
|
|
stick ?
|
|
|
|
{A snarl crosses the Klingon's face, but has no better luck than
|
|
the earlier one. It gives up in disgust and merely perches in the
|
|
centre of the Klingon's face, apparently in grave danger of being
|
|
lost forever. The Klingon resets his hand-phaser to stun, and
|
|
gestures threateningly at the men, before pressing a stud on
|
|
the communicator. The two Klingons and the dozen or so women
|
|
vanish from the Palace of Pleasure in a golden, sparkling
|
|
twinkle.}
|
|
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
Captain's Personal Log, 2162.3
|
|
It is now almost 24 standard hours since the women from the
|
|
Bauddello planet were kidnapped, and with them our communications
|
|
officer, Lt Uhura. We hold grave fears for their safety, as well
|
|
as that of Mr Singh, who failed to return to the Egoprise, and
|
|
must be assumed to have been captured or killed by the Klingons.
|
|
|
|
Morale on the Egoprise is at an all time low..
|
|
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
KIRK: This is no good ! We have to find out what their terms are
|
|
for the return of the women. Lt Uhura ... open the hailing
|
|
frequencies ! DAMN !! I forgot ! Spock, you do it .....and quit
|
|
looking like that !
|
|
|
|
SPOCK: Hailing frequencies open, captain ..... and I can't help
|
|
looking like this, I'm a Vulcan, sir !
|
|
|
|
KIRK: Well at least stop blowing all that hot air around here..
|
|
|
|
{Kirk sits down at the bridge.}
|
|
|
|
KIRK: This is Captain James T Kirk of the United Starship
|
|
Egoprise. Are you receiving me ?
|
|
|
|
{The view screen crackles and displays the "grainy" appearance
|
|
typical of the Klingon's communication transmissions. The Klingon
|
|
commander appears on the screen, uniform dishevelled and with
|
|
evidence of fresh scratches down the side of his face.}
|
|
|
|
KLINGON #3: What do you want, Ralph?
|
|
|
|
KIRK: We demand that you return our women to us !
|
|
|
|
KLINGON #3: You are in no position to demand anything from us,
|
|
Captain. We have your women, and we do what we please with them.
|
|
|
|
KIRK: I remind you that you stand in violation of treaty by your
|
|
mere presence in this quadrant. Your kidnap of the young women
|
|
is, in fact, an act of war. Not only that: I quite miss Lt Uhura,
|
|
oh her smiling face, her light brown hair.. her cheerful grin.. and
|
|
and.. sniff..
|
|
|
|
[FX - Violin Music]
|
|
|
|
KLINGON #3: Well stiff shit Kirk. As this planet is not officially part
|
|
of the United Federation of Planets, we do as we damn well please!
|
|
|
|
{The viewer breaks up with static once more, and the depressed
|
|
Captain Kirk goes back to pacing the bridge. Several minutes pass...}
|
|
|
|
KIRK: I got it !
|
|
|
|
MCCOY: Well, come down to sick bay, and I'll see if I got a cream or
|
|
something to clear it up !
|
|
|
|
KIRK: No, you fool ! I have the answer ...... !
|
|
|
|
SPOCK: The answer to Life, The Universe and Everything??
|
|
|
|
MCCOY: I thought we already knew that!
|
|
|
|
SPOCK: No Mc Coy, girls with pigtails are not the Meaning To Life.
|
|
|
|
KIRK:{Looking up with a pained expression} Why me ? What did I
|
|
ever do to deserve this ! ..... Chekov, you man the communications
|
|
console .... get me the hailing frequency of every bulletin board in the
|
|
quadrant !
|
|
|
|
CHEKOV: Aye, Captain !
|
|
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
{Meanhile... onboard the Klingon Pirate Ship..}
|
|
|
|
UHURA: I demand to see my lawyer!
|
|
|
|
KLINGON #1: Shadup!
|
|
|
|
UHURA: I would like to point out this is blatant sexist discrimination.
|
|
|
|
KLINGON #2: So what. We're chauvanistic sexist pigs... this what we normally
|
|
do for kicks..
|
|
|
|
UHURA: Have you no decency, no respect for the opposite sex ?
|
|
|
|
KLINGON #2: Err... no.
|
|
|
|
UHURA: {Sigh}
|
|
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
Klingon Leader Private Log: Stardate 2063.3
|
|
|
|
We haf da wimin. Von of dem - a lite browne hareed in a starfweet uniphorm
|
|
iz giving uz zome troubule, and it izt suggestd ve dump her at da next
|
|
Spaze-Servise-Stashun.
|
|
|
|
Alzo, ze spaze zhip haz develoeped a strang und unfamiliare zmell - quite
|
|
pleazing to the census... that apprez to bee eminateing fom ze galley.
|
|
Ve ar investigatink..
|
|
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
{Meanwhile, somewhere far, far away ... two philosophers are sitting under
|
|
the stars, bathed in the light of Orion's three moons.. discussing life}
|
|
|
|
PHILOSOPHER #1: Hmm... I've been thinking.. about life, the universe and all
|
|
that.. and.. well.. I reckon its all got to do with pizzas.
|
|
|
|
PHILOSOPHER #2: Pizzas you say?
|
|
|
|
PHILOSOPHER #1: Yeah, Capricciosa ones in fact. Like.. well all the people in
|
|
the world; they are the topping.. the anchovies for rich people, prawns are
|
|
the people who hide in their shells all life, salami for the hot people, and
|
|
the crust around the edge - thats morals and ethics to hold everything on top
|
|
of the pizza, and the base - thats the society supporting everything together..
|
|
and the cheese represents the general material world that envelopes everybody..
|
|
the aroma - thats the metaphysical world.. you know its there but you can't
|
|
eat it sorta..
|
|
|
|
{pause}
|
|
|
|
PHILOSOPHER #2: That so?
|
|
|
|
PHILOSOPHER #1: I.. well.. I just dont see where I fit in. I sort of feel like
|
|
the little blob of cheese that falls to the bottom of the oven.. and slowly
|
|
frizzles away until it gets scrubbed off a month later with a packet of
|
|
Ajax and a damp cloth..
|
|
|
|
PHILOSOPHER #2: Yeah right..
|
|
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
{Onboard the Egoprise..}
|
|
|
|
SPOCK: McCoy, I've been thinking. Maybe we should let the Klingons keep
|
|
the women.
|
|
|
|
MCCOY: What!
|
|
|
|
SPOCK: Well.. like.. those women are going to serve a purpose. Without them
|
|
the entire Klingon battle-fleet will turn gay.. and well.. it would
|
|
take the phun out of blowing shit through them: they'd be used to it!
|
|
|
|
MCCOY: But remember Spock, the needs of the few may sometimes outweigh the
|
|
needs of the many.
|
|
|
|
SPOCK: But what about the Klingon warriors? Why - they're more desperate
|
|
than Shadow!
|
|
|
|
MCCOY: No sympathy.
|
|
|
|
SPOCK: No sympathy?
|
|
|
|
MCCOY: None what-so-ever.
|
|
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
|
|
{Meanwhile, on board the Klingon Star-Cruiser, the employees of the
|
|
Palace Of Pleasure and Lt Uhura, are being held captive in a dirty, smelly
|
|
Klingon cell.}
|
|
|
|
CINDY: We gotta get out of here, girls.
|
|
|
|
ANGEL: Yeah.. I don't like the look of serving them ugly Klingons. I'd
|
|
rather have sex with the Masked Avenger than those fugly things!
|
|
|
|
UHURA: I've got an idea - Mr Jordan!
|
|
|
|
MR JORDAN: No way... I'm not going to do it..
|
|
|
|
UHURA: Sorry babe, but you're our only hope..
|
|
|
|
MR JORDAN: Well.. OK...I'll try.. just once..
|
|
|
|
{Mr Jordan walks up to the cell bars, inserts her plastered leg, and takes
|
|
a deep breath...}
|
|
|
|
UHURA: C'mon .. you can do it.. you can do it..
|
|
|
|
CINDY: Go Jordy!
|
|
|
|
ANGEL: C'mon Jordy!! My sex life is at stake!
|
|
|
|
MR JORDAN: Nrggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
[FX - - = * ( C R A C K ! ) * = - ]
|
|
|
|
UHURA: Yahooo! You did it !
|
|
|
|
CINDY: Way to go !
|
|
|
|
ANGEL: Phew !
|
|
|
|
UHURA: C'mon girls.. we've got a Klingon Star-Cruiser to overtake!
|
|
|
|
{The four fugitives pop through the bent bars and exit to the bridge...}
|
|
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
|
|
KIRK: You got through to those BBSes yet, Chekov ?
|
|
|
|
CHEKOV: Still on manual dial, Captain .... and I'm getting RSI from this
|
|
bloody 300 baud toaster modem.....
|
|
|
|
KIRK: Quit complaining and keep dialling !
|
|
|
|
CHEKOV: Aye, Captain.
|
|
|
|
{Time Passes}
|
|
|
|
CHEKOV: Transmission completed, here is their reply, Captain.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|Message #2069 "E-mail" |
|
|
|Date: 02-Dec-89 13:00 |
|
|
|From: Shadow & Friends |
|
|
|To: Captain Kirk |
|
|
|Subj: SEX !!!! |
|
|
| hi guys... shadow here..(with my 300 + mates from the Cafe) and |
|
|
| we're rearing to help you save the women held captive by the Klingons! |
|
|
| |
|
|
| ..shadow the stud.. |
|
|
| |
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
|
|
KIRK: C00L ! Those Klingons don't stand a chance !
|
|
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
|
|
{Meanwhile, back on the Klingon ship, the girls have taken over the bridge ....
|
|
The Klingons, quite overwhelmed by their determination, are locked into the
|
|
galley, where they discover the source of the *interesting* aroma which has
|
|
permeated their vehicle for the last few hours ......}
|
|
|
|
UHURA: {Taking command} Ok .. who knows how to navigate this bucket of
|
|
shit ? And someone find some air-freshener !
|
|
|
|
MR. JORDAN: Well, I've watched Doc in his sub-orbital Volvo often enough ...
|
|
I'll give it a try !
|
|
|
|
UHURA: Right ! Let's get a move on then, people !
|
|
|
|
{They traverse the hyper-space multiverse, until they suddenly lurch to
|
|
a complete halt. There is a nauseating grinding noise from the front of the
|
|
ship}
|
|
|
|
UHURA: What the hell happened then?
|
|
|
|
MR. JORDAN: Err .... I hit a inter-planetary telephone pole .... SOOORRY!.
|
|
I guess I was watching Doc a little TOO closely .....
|
|
|
|
CINDY: The Egoprise is on the scanners ... WE'RE SAVED !!!!
|
|
|
|
ANGEL: YAY !!!!
|
|
|
|
MR. JORDAN: Hey, that's not the Egoprise ... that is Shadow and his outlawed
|
|
band of desperates, on their inter-galactic tri-cycles !
|
|
|
|
UHURA: Oh no ! .... Not them ! Quick girls - free the Klingons! I'd rather
|
|
serve to their whims then this pack of desperates!
|
|
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
|
|
E p i l o g u e
|
|
|
|
SPOCK: A pretty pathetic ending wouldn't you say Doc?
|
|
|
|
MCCOY: Oh I thought it was all right. I wouldn't mind knowing what happened
|
|
to Singh though. The authors sort of forgot about him didn't they.
|
|
|
|
SPOCK: Yeah. Oh well. What would you expect from a B grade production written
|
|
by two people with humours more warped than drift wood.
|
|
|
|
MCCOY: Yeah I guess so. Oh well, on with Rat.
|
|
|
|
SPOCK: I heard we're getting a new editor. A female. Should be good.
|
|
|
|
MCCOY: Can't wait.
|
|
|
|
T h e E n d (thankgod!)
|
|
|
|
SPOCK: Hangon, what DID happen to Singh ?
|
|
|
|
MCCOY: oh, didn't you know ? He reckons he saved the girls single-handed from
|
|
the Klingons AND Shadow's gang ....
|
|
|
|
SPOCK: Yeah ?
|
|
|
|
MCCOY: But you know him .... always modest ....
|
|
|
|
E n d
|
|
|
|
Congratulations goes to Inki for finishing a story with the worst and oldest
|
|
joke of all time. Also a thanks to Doc for the necessary "Chilli Concarne",
|
|
now the official diet for authors. And finally thanks to Gene Roddenberry
|
|
and Co. for inspiration. Long live "the trekkies!" }
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
LOST! One key; fits Mr Jordan. If found, please return to
|
|
|
|
Captain Blood
|
|
c/o The Cafe
|
|
894-2815
|
|
|
|
P.S. In need, urgently! - The Walrus
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
t h e
|
|
|
|
_ _ ___ _ _ _ ___ _ _ ___
|
|
|\ /| | / \ |\ | | |\ | |
|
|
| \/ | |- |---| | \ | | | \ | | __
|
|
| | |___ | | | \| _|_ | \| |___|
|
|
|
|
t o
|
|
|
|
_____
|
|
\ | ____
|
|
| | / __|
|
|
| | _ _| |_
|
|
| | |_| |_ _| _____
|
|
| | _ | | / _ \
|
|
| | | | | | | |_| |
|
|
| | | | | | | ____/
|
|
| |______/| | | | | | \___/\
|
|
/___________| /__| /__| \______/
|
|
|
|
and other little green furry things
|
|
* apologies to Monty Python *
|
|
|
|
Life? What is life? Why exist? Who am I? What is death? Is there a God?
|
|
Does Yahoo really have a nice pair?
|
|
|
|
These and other timeless philosophical questions will probably not be
|
|
answered in this story, but then again, did you really expect anything
|
|
else?
|
|
|
|
=================
|
|
|
|
GOD.
|
|
|
|
I shouldn't really talk about God. He was a damn good sysop, and is missed
|
|
by all.
|
|
|
|
=================
|
|
|
|
SEX.
|
|
|
|
Often many creative intellects of this world have thought of sex as the
|
|
only true reason for existence. Biology this is true: you are infact just
|
|
a very fancy way for a bunch of very uninspiring deoxyribonucleic acids
|
|
to reproduce themselves. One might use this premise to suggest that the
|
|
day you reach menopause you may aswell end it all - well that, say the
|
|
biologists, isn't particularly worth while. Firstly, you can make a
|
|
benefit to society still, like help other little deoxyribonecleic acids
|
|
reproduce themselves; and secondly suicide is rather messy and leaves a lot
|
|
of little annoying things for relatives to tend to.
|
|
|
|
A more human approach to this quite popular idea has been expressed by many
|
|
cinematographers, including the works of Russ Meyer (Beyond The Valley Of
|
|
The Dolls, Beneath The Valley Of The Ultravixens) and Dusan Makavejev
|
|
(Manifesto, Sweet Movie, Montenegro).
|
|
|
|
'Makavejev's ideas revolve around the idea of sexuality as the life-force, and
|
|
repression of sexual expression as hostile as life itself. Makavejev enjoys
|
|
satirising the absurdities of civilised behaviour, and while much of the fun in
|
|
his movies concerns sex there is also considerable anger directed towards the
|
|
cruelty and hypocrisy he sees arising out of the denial of our basic needs.'
|
|
(Age, 11/10/89)
|
|
|
|
Russ Meyer's cult works came out of the "Hippy" period, where experimentation
|
|
in drugs and sex was actually philosophically justified rather than a social
|
|
expectation of some people. His conclusion, that after a lot of screwing around
|
|
and using sex as a manipulator of people: love is the life force and the
|
|
full potential of humanity is the appreciation of that. Whether you like that
|
|
or not, his films were very entertaining, his main characteristic being
|
|
the number of sex scenes equaling the number of main characters factorial.
|
|
|
|
Notibly, Both Russ Meyer and Dusan Makavesev have successfully had several of
|
|
their films banned in their respective country of origin.
|
|
|
|
The suppression of hormonal urges by a misdirected society was also commented
|
|
on by Sigmund Frued. But he was into motherfucking and thats down right
|
|
pukeable.
|
|
|
|
We have to look no further than the multitude of lonely unwanted sex-starved
|
|
teenagers that predominate The Hard Rock Cafe and Happy Hacking BBS for
|
|
evidence to support this theory. And when some extroverted 15 yr old girl
|
|
appears, who enjoys an ego pampered, all mayhem breaks out and within a week
|
|
her mail count has quadruplified. Sad, sad, very sad.
|
|
|
|
=================
|
|
|
|
SCIENCE.
|
|
|
|
Scientists gave us computers. Damn stupid scientists.
|
|
|
|
Scientists proved we're nothing but twenty cents of chemicals that like
|
|
to fuck alot. Damn stupid scientists.
|
|
|
|
=================
|
|
|
|
PHILOSOPHY.
|
|
|
|
Robert Pirsig (author of Zen And The Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance) once
|
|
tried to convey that he could divide thought into classes, divide people
|
|
into Classic and Romantic, and sub divide these groups into even more
|
|
groups and so on. In the end, all he achieved was confusing everybody,
|
|
and even his comparisons with maintaining a motorcycle has convinced
|
|
me to stick to the four wheeled variety.
|
|
|
|
=================
|
|
|
|
RELIGION.
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"Athiests are just Christians who don't believe in God."
|
|
|
|
- Al Capone
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
=================
|
|
|
|
MORE ON SEX.
|
|
|
|
Is there a difference between love and lust? Well, if you are unsure, go
|
|
and screw all your good looking friends (of the opposite sex please!)
|
|
and then see how you feel about yourself.
|
|
|
|
=================
|
|
|
|
12 YEAR OLDS.
|
|
|
|
I'm not saying nuthin' about this.
|
|
|
|
=================
|
|
|
|
6 YEAR OLDS.
|
|
|
|
Two of these is better than one of the above!
|
|
[Tandem Nonstop ?-Ed.]
|
|
|
|
=================
|
|
|
|
2 MONTHS.
|
|
|
|
Now this is really kinky. The only problem is, how do you differentiate
|
|
between an orgasm and 'i want my dinner'?
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
"I'm a little furry green tennis ball."
|
|
|
|
- Zero Hour, The Hard Rock Cafe
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
=================
|
|
|
|
CAN YOU REALLY GAIN SEXUAL SATISFACTION CHATTING TO TEMPTRESS ON THE CAFE?
|
|
|
|
Dunno, ask Shadow.
|
|
|
|
=================
|
|
|
|
CAN YOU REALLY GAIN SEXUAL SATISFACTION FROM AMIGAS?
|
|
|
|
Ask Dune Messiah about what an amiga can really do.
|
|
|
|
=================
|
|
|
|
INDIVIDUALISM.
|
|
|
|
This was summed up beautifully, in probably the funniest comedy/satire
|
|
sketch ever to come out of Cinema, the speech by 'Brian' in Monty
|
|
Pythons 'The Life Of Brian'
|
|
|
|
Brian : "You don't need to follow me... You don't need to follow anybody!"
|
|
"Your all individuals!"
|
|
|
|
Crowd (in unison) : "Yes. We're all individuals!"
|
|
|
|
Stereo-typing, conformity and alienation may be evils of society, but
|
|
the importance of individualism itself plays a role in shaping the
|
|
more 'misdirected' among us. I am, ofcourse, refering to The Masked Avenger.
|
|
|
|
George Orwell attacks this issue in "Nineteen Eighty-Four", where in order
|
|
to gain total and utter power over the people, the "Party" remove
|
|
all trace of humanity and individualism amongst its people. To love is to
|
|
sin [Syn?], as love has no more purpose to the Party than help the
|
|
population increase. And when Artifical Insemination is developed, love
|
|
becomes intirely useless, and Dianne Nichols would be out of a job.
|
|
|
|
And so love, individualism, and paedophilia are only human, and definitely
|
|
have no place in a purely logically structured Pascal program. Whether
|
|
this explains why Vagabond is infertile. This is something entirely unrelated,
|
|
but I thought I'd bring it up anyway.
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
"Why be nice when you can be a fuckwit?"
|
|
|
|
The Masked Avenger, The Burning Crucifix BBS
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
=================
|
|
|
|
YOU, ME AND VB.
|
|
|
|
There is a minority (majority?) out there who believe that life's little
|
|
mysteries are quite easily solved by forgetting about them; and this is
|
|
achieved by rendering themselves to a state of mind where there mere
|
|
effort of contemplation itself becomes impossible. This involves the
|
|
consumption of rather large volumes of various coloured fluids; some
|
|
of these philosophers prefer the frothy, amber liquids, while others
|
|
find the multitude of brightly coloured ones with funny names
|
|
more effective. Whichever the philosopher chooses, he or she usually then
|
|
preforms one of two rituals: either to decorate the carpet with their
|
|
version of 'Pro Hart goes to work', or burn some rubber resulting in
|
|
three sore heads in the morning instead of two.
|
|
|
|
=================
|
|
|
|
DEATH, SUICIDE AND GOING OUT IN STYLE.
|
|
|
|
The frustrations of many, unable to discover their own particular philosophy;
|
|
finding sex unsatisfying/unobtainable, alcohol too dizzy, science too
|
|
boring, computers too dizzy, and twelve year olds too fragile; is sometimes
|
|
taken out in a rather terminal solution. The methods to achieve this solution
|
|
is varied; ranging from the traditional leap off a tall bridge/building/tree/
|
|
construction of high altitude, to the more creative self mutilation by juggling
|
|
kitchen knives blindfolded. (Personally I would choose death by exhaustion,
|
|
but Syn unfortunately declined.)
|
|
|
|
For those unlucky to predict their date of departure from this world:
|
|
stiff bickies. Which really sums up life; you're going to die whether you like
|
|
it or not; you have no say in it whatsoever. With this in mind, there seems
|
|
nothing else to do but enjoy living while you do; drink as much fluids,
|
|
get as much pussy as possible, log onto as many bulletin boards as you can,
|
|
and abuse as many people as possible. Nobody's going to give a flying fuck
|
|
who you were when you were alive, and neither are you.
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Life is a jest, and all things show it.
|
|
I thought so once; but now I know it.
|
|
|
|
"My Own Epitaph" - John Gay
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
=================
|
|
|
|
AFTERLIFE.
|
|
|
|
I have always dreamed of being re-incarnated as Yahoo's first born. However,
|
|
having a mother who died aged nineteen would be somewhat of a deprived
|
|
upbringing, and the sheer thought of possibly having Jaymes as a father -
|
|
honestly I'd rather be born in an Amsterdam brothel like Mr Jordan.
|
|
|
|
END.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
'Young Love'
|
|
|
|
Hey
|
|
Take a look at my girlfriend,
|
|
Isn't she just neat;
|
|
Look at her curves,
|
|
Look at her face,
|
|
Isn't she something,
|
|
You dream for.
|
|
|
|
Take a look at her now,
|
|
Standing in the light,
|
|
Don't you wish you were hers,
|
|
Don't you wish you were so lucky,
|
|
And have her for yourself.
|
|
Your little plaything,
|
|
Your little toy,
|
|
To parade around the park,
|
|
On a leash.
|
|
|
|
Take a look at my fish,
|
|
Caught in a net by me,
|
|
Don't you think she's terrific,
|
|
And she's fallen for no other.
|
|
The guy who deserves most,
|
|
Aren't you a little jelous,
|
|
Of my girlfriend.
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"Nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelve. What comes next?"
|
|
|
|
"Old Age"
|
|
|
|
from the The Masked Avenger
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you enjoy that last joke?
|
|
|
|
Why not call
|
|
|
|
O P E R A T I O N P A R A D O X
|
|
|
|
008-011-233 (toll free)
|
|
|
|
today!
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Wally's Crystal Ball(s)
|
|
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
What will you be doing in five years time?
|
|
|
|
by Doc & The Walrus
|
|
|
|
Mr Jordan, now of eighteen years, will be seen regularly arriving at the
|
|
Metro nightclub in her red porsche, dressed in black leathers, escorted
|
|
by some twenty-seven year old guy. She is a party animal, and uses men like
|
|
they were her toys. [She pays VERY well.-Ed.] However, steeped in secrecy she
|
|
has a shady past: an illegitimate daughter called Jenny, four years old, the
|
|
father being The Walrus, now a poor heart-broken sod, recovering from an
|
|
addiction to alcohol in the Salvo's Refuge. The girl is under the care of Doc.
|
|
|
|
Mr Jordan's mother is presently running for Prime Minister, her policies being
|
|
to cook as much Casserole as possible, thus solving all poverty problems and
|
|
keeping the multi-national MacDonalds in debt.
|
|
|
|
Mr J's father has been admitted to an asylum of unknown location.
|
|
|
|
Captain Blood and Cindy are married, and live in the Western suburbs with
|
|
their thirteen children.
|
|
|
|
Fallen Angel has a full time job as a call-girl, making between $300-$400 an
|
|
hour. [Get into her now before the price goes up - Ed.]
|
|
|
|
Fearless Fred becomes sober, and then declares himself a Born Again Christian.
|
|
|
|
The Masked Avenger becomes a kindergarten teacher.
|
|
|
|
Cefiar runs off with Inka Princess to elope to the moon.
|
|
|
|
Night Stalker and Janine marry, and have one child; a little shorty who thinks
|
|
he's a stud even with his red hair.
|
|
|
|
Ivan is sadly killed in a motor car accident, a head-on collision between his
|
|
Monaro and a volvo with a red nose, driven by a bearded man in an Acubra hat.
|
|
|
|
Greg Williams wins the Robin Suit Wearers Award for five years straight.
|
|
|
|
Superboy becomes insanely jelous of Mr Jordan's activities, and holds her for
|
|
hostage on the roof of the Rialto. [No price is to great.-Ed.]
|
|
|
|
Rambo Jordan pushes him off the roof and for the first time in his life he
|
|
realises that he can't actually fly.
|
|
|
|
Zero Hour joins the Jehovah Witnesses. [A front for a gay organization-Ed.]
|
|
|
|
Avalon develops a potent aphrodisiac while mixing chemicals randomly at Melb
|
|
Uni, goes on to make a fortune and moves to Saudi Arabia to live with his
|
|
harem.
|
|
|
|
Doc, after being arrested for paedophilia, endures a long and tiring trial. The
|
|
charges are finally dropped, but the Doc is heartbroken, and retires from any
|
|
prominance in life, choosing a nondescript job as a manager of a little
|
|
orphanage for nymphets.
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
PERSONALITY TEST v0.99
|
|
|
|
For each question, an answer of yes is equal to 1 mark unless otherwise
|
|
stipulated.
|
|
|
|
1. Have you committed an offence with your computer that involved credit
|
|
card fraud, hacking, phreaking or pirating ?
|
|
|
|
2. More than once ?
|
|
|
|
3. Alone ?
|
|
|
|
4. Have you committed any other offence with your computer ?
|
|
(Excluding credit card fraud, hacking, phreaking and pirating)
|
|
|
|
5. Did it feel good afterwards ?
|
|
|
|
6. Not alone ?
|
|
|
|
7. With a parent aswell ?
|
|
|
|
8. With your grandmother, now deceased ?
|
|
|
|
9. Have you ever rung up Desperate & Dateless ?
|
|
|
|
10. Have you ever appeared on Desperate & Dateless ?
|
|
|
|
11. More than once ?
|
|
|
|
12. Have you ever seen a burlesque show ?
|
|
(i.e. Rocky Horror Pricture Show, Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls, Animal Farm)
|
|
|
|
13. Have you dated a fellow BBS user ?
|
|
|
|
14. Without pre-meeting him/her ?
|
|
|
|
15. Have you bonked with a fellow BBS user ?
|
|
|
|
16. More than once ?
|
|
|
|
17. While NOT drunk ?
|
|
|
|
18. Within three years of your age ?
|
|
|
|
19. Do you use your computer every day ?
|
|
|
|
20. For more than 2 hours ?
|
|
|
|
21. For more than 4 hours ?
|
|
|
|
22. For more than 8 hours ?
|
|
|
|
23. For more than 16 hours ?
|
|
|
|
24. For more than 32 hours ?
|
|
|
|
25. Can you see the error in the above question ?
|
|
|
|
26. Do you have a name for your computer ?
|
|
|
|
27. Is that name of opposite gender to you ?
|
|
|
|
28. Is it an AMIGA ?
|
|
|
|
29. Do you regularly read literature such as The Dead Rat Society Magazine ?
|
|
|
|
30. Do you enjoy it ?
|
|
|
|
31. Do you/or have you ever written for this or other similar publications ?
|
|
|
|
32. Do you drive a car of vintage pre 1969 ?
|
|
|
|
33. Have you played an RPG ?
|
|
|
|
34. In freeform ?
|
|
|
|
35. In a dress ?
|
|
|
|
36. Does your bedroom have a poster of anything to do with computers ?
|
|
|
|
37. Do you walk out of newsagents with Your Computer Australia in the inside
|
|
of the newspaper ?
|
|
|
|
38. Do you own any of a MicroBee/ZX81/Dream 68000/Vic20/Spectrum/Pet/Coco ?
|
|
|
|
39. Do you still use it ?
|
|
|
|
40. Do you own more than four computers ?
|
|
|
|
41. Have you programmed in Assembly Language ?
|
|
|
|
42. Have you done this for more than 10 k off the top of your head ?
|
|
|
|
43. Have you used a keypunch ?
|
|
|
|
44. Did it feel good ?
|
|
|
|
45. Is your soldering iron bigger than your dick ?
|
|
|
|
46. Do you possess a modem that can only do 300 bps?
|
|
|
|
47. Do you date 14 year olds ?
|
|
|
|
48. Do you have a girl/boyfriend who can walk ?
|
|
|
|
49. Does using a modem comprise more than 90% of your phone bill ?
|
|
|
|
50. Have you cheated in this questionaire ?
|
|
|
|
Take your "Yes" Count, multiply by 2. This is your G.D.H. percentile.
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
0 - 20% Normal Person (Congratulations!)
|
|
|
|
20 - 40% Stop now before it is to late.
|
|
|
|
40 - 60% Computer Freak
|
|
|
|
60 - 80% Social Outcast
|
|
|
|
80 - 100% You should be behind bars.
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
|
|
|
|
Do you wonder what it would be like to be popular or look sexy ?
|
|
Well stop wondering....here is...:
|
|
|
|
*** A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN EGOTIST ***
|
|
|
|
By Avalon ..
|
|
|
|
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
|
|
|
|
Deary me. Woke up early today; quite a suprise because I stayed
|
|
up to the naughty hour of 10pm with Jaymes last night! Tch. Tch.
|
|
I am a devilish girl. Oh my, I found another spot today, while
|
|
staring in my mirror this morning. I was a good girl today: I only
|
|
spent 3 hours this time. Oh me. Why did I have to be so cute?
|
|
|
|
Sigh. School was fun today, and there was this real hunk in
|
|
Chemistry who winked at me from between his test-tubes. I went
|
|
and chatted to him, he was reaaal cute. He asked me out to go see
|
|
a movie - oh but I had to say no. Being popular means I can't go
|
|
out with everybody all at once. I replied he will get his turn
|
|
like everyone else. Oh deary me.
|
|
|
|
After school I went shopping with mummy, and mummy bought me some
|
|
nice clothes, just a few small things like a $300 floral skirt and
|
|
a matching $100 belt. Then mummy let me go to the record store all
|
|
by myself and I bought another U2 compact disc. Oh those guys are
|
|
so cute! And so was the spunk who served me. Funny - the first
|
|
three digits of his phone number are the same as Jaymes!
|
|
|
|
Off to Orchestra! Kathy, my music teacher, said that I wasn't
|
|
blowing hard enough. Funny, that was what Jaymes said last night
|
|
too. Oh deary me. Can't please everybody can we?
|
|
|
|
Then I went home and rang up my 300 + friends and talked talked
|
|
talked till my voice nearly went. I talked about Jaymes and I
|
|
talked about that spot and I talked about the guy who liked me
|
|
in Chemistry and I talked about when I bought the U2 Compact Disc
|
|
and I talked about my orchestra lesson and I talked about me me me
|
|
it was so much fun. Then I rang up Jaymes but that wasn't so much
|
|
fun because he wanted to talk too. Men! They always talk so much!
|
|
|
|
Then Matty showed me the latest Dead Rat Society Publication that
|
|
that naughty Doc writes. I was shocked!! I couldn't understand most
|
|
of it, but I think he was picking on my ego or something.
|
|
That nasty boy! I will have to get daddy to talk to him!
|
|
|
|
Nighty-night honeys... I'm going to get my beauty sleep now. Stay cute!
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
O C T O B E R A W A R D S
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Hopalong Award........................................................Mr Jordan
|
|
|
|
Desperate Award....................................................Fallen Angel
|
|
|
|
Mother Of The Month...............................................Inka Princess
|
|
|
|
Egotripper Of The Month...................................................Yahoo
|
|
(Have you bonked with Jaymes yet? So slooooow!)
|
|
|
|
Loozer Of The Month.................................................Bruce Wayne
|
|
|
|
"Not Impressed With Rat 5" Award............................................Doc
|
|
|
|
Peodophile Of The Month..............................................The Walrus
|
|
|
|
Apprentice Paedophile Of The Month..................................Bruce Wayne
|
|
|
|
Bitch Of The Month........................................Doc's English Teacher
|
|
|
|
Robin Suit Wearer Award...........................................Greg Williams
|
|
|
|
Nymphet Award.............................................................Yahoo
|
|
|
|
I Used To Be A Nymphet Award......................................Inka Princess
|
|
("Did I say that ? (blush)")
|
|
|
|
Claytons Bulletin Board Of The Month...................................The Cafe
|
|
(The board you logon to when your not logging onto a board!)
|
|
|
|
Claytons Sysop Of The Month...................................Cefiar Channadrac
|
|
|
|
Schizo Of The Month...............................................Captain Blood
|
|
("I was NOT talking to myself !")
|
|
|
|
Schizorette Of The Month......................................Psychosonic Cindy
|
|
("Neither were we...")
|
|
|
|
MENSA Representative Of The Month...................................Dave Seikel
|
|
|
|
Pisspot Of The Month..................................................Avalon ..
|
|
|
|
"Gee I Look Terrible In The Morning" Award............................Avalon ..
|
|
|
|
"World's Hottest Chilli Chef" Award.........................................Doc
|
|
(HOT, DAMN HOT !!)
|
|
|
|
"Worst Macro" Award.................................................Dave Seikel
|
|
|
|
Social Paranoic of the Month .........................................Zero Hour
|
|
|
|
Caffeine Freak Of The Month.......................................Inka Princess
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
C R E D I T S
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
THE SOCIETY CONSISTS OF:
|
|
|
|
Doc [founder]
|
|
Avalon .. [editor]
|
|
Mr Jordan [authoress]
|
|
Cefiar Channadrac [nutty sysop]
|
|
Captain Blood [complaints dept.]
|
|
Night Stalker [ye olde faithful sysop]
|
|
Bruce Wayne [apprentice paedophile]
|
|
Yahoo (Brigitte) [egotist]
|
|
Garet Jax [Trade Wars hero]
|
|
Wally (Lachlan) [communist]
|
|
Dave Seikel [MENSA representative]
|
|
General Discomfort [fish exterminator]
|
|
|
|
AND INTRODUCING..
|
|
|
|
Inka Princess [authoress]
|
|
The Walrus [author]
|
|
|
|
ALSO..
|
|
|
|
Lusty (Fallen Angel)
|
|
The Caller
|
|
Psychosonic Cindy
|
|
Eva Fidelas
|
|
Superboy
|
|
The Archmage
|
|
|
|
Rebecca
|
|
Shane
|
|
Jodi-Lee
|
|
Michael
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
O T H E R F I N E P U B L I C A T I O N S
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Anarchistic Tendencies.......................................by The Evil Angels
|
|
(the original and the best)
|
|
|
|
The Pure Phun Phile................................................by Mr Jordan
|
|
(for the kiddies)
|
|
|
|
Little Phun.....&.......................by The Little Girl Appreciation Society
|
|
(for lovers of kiddies)
|
|
|
|
Reader's Digest...................................................by The C.I.A.
|
|
(for idiots)
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
C A L L T H E S E B O A R D S
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
(+61-3) Melbourne, Australia
|
|
|
|
The CrossOver...................364-1282 [always engaged]
|
|
The Hard Rock Cafe..............894-2815 [4 lines with chat]
|
|
|
|
also
|
|
|
|
The Mad House...................758-9573 [EGOnet host]
|
|
Chicago.........................728-6698 [1200 & 2400 CCITT, 300 Bell]
|
|
The Twilite Zone................878-3539 [home of Evil Angels]
|
|
The Real Connection.............808-0810
|
|
808-0331
|
|
|
|
don't call
|
|
|
|
Truth, Zen, Pacific Island, Megaworks, The Factory or Happy Hacking BBS
|
|
(also, the Burning Crucifix we think is gone (?))
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
D I S C L A I M E R
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
This is not meant to be an insultive phile. Its pure purpose is to offer
|
|
a phun, enjoyable text phile for the users of the above mentioned boards.
|
|
As they say in the classics...
|
|
|
|
"However, if you are still offended, stiff shit."
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Due to geographical manouvres by the authors, this phile will have a new
|
|
editor! Introducing the newest member to the society
|
|
|
|
Inka Princess
|
|
|
|
who wishes not to reveal her real name (Sandy Tadman) for fear of general
|
|
banishment from society. A first for RAT, not that we have a new editor:
|
|
but because we have an author with talent at last!
|
|
|
|
cya sometime next year (when we get back)
|
|
|
|
Doc & Avalon ..
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
this was
|
|
|
|
a publication of the
|
|
|
|
/{ V V V V
|
|
|o |__I_I________I_I
|
|
U\__________________\_____
|
|
|
|
|
|
T h e D e a d R a t S o c i e t y
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|