972 lines
37 KiB
Plaintext
972 lines
37 KiB
Plaintext
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T H I S
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______/| __
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I S | __ | / \
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\ | \| | /
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T H E | | ___ ___ _/\ | |
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| |__/| | | | | \_/ | |
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__ F O U R T H | | | | | | ___ | |
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/ \ _ ___ / __ | \ \ | | | | | |
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| \| | ||_|| | | \ / | | \| \ \/ _/ | | / /
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\__/\ |_|| ||_ | | | | | \__/ | | | |/|
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| |__/| |_| |____|
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_____ |_____ |
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|\______ / _ \ _ \| _ __
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| ___ \ / / \ \ | |___ _____/ | ______ / \
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| | \ | /_ / \ | | __ \ / __ | / ___ | | / _____
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| | | | | |___| | | / \ \ | / \ | | | \ | | | / _ \
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| | | | | ___ | | | | | | | | | | | | / | | \_ \\_|
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| | | | | / | | | | | | | | _| | | \__/ | | | \ \
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| | | | | | | | |_| |/ \ \_/ | | ___/ | | __ | |
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| |__/ | /__| | | \___/| | \ |____ | | __ \ \/ /
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| ______/ \___\ | | \_____/ \ \/ / \___/
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|/ /|________/ | \__/
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/ __________/
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\_|
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P R O D U C T I O N
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-+* The Cult Of The Dead Rat lives *+-
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RAT4 - Rebel Anarchistic Tendencies. For users of the CrossOver BBS, The Hard
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Rock Cafe BBS and Chicago BBS as well as those who used to call The Factory.
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This phile makes no mention of Fred's drunkedness, Julie's tits, Taxi's knob
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nor Syn's arse (no matter how spunky it is) [But we still miss it-Ed.].
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RAT is now officially unofficiated with AT or the Evil Angels.
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All coincidences are now totally coincidental.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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WARNING ! : This is not suitable for children under the age of
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alcohol, and should not be read while under the influence
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of a 12 year old.
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"Your only 20 cents of chemicals that likes to fuck alot."
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[but a fuck costs more than 20 cents!-Ed.]
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from the CrossOver, Meaning To Life Msg Area
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-=* The Cult Of The Dead Rat *=-
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proudly present
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T h e P r i n c e l e s s B r i d e
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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[ I think the author has a small ...., it's not centred!-Ed.]
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A fantasy love story adventure horror sex comedy
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about chivalry, swordsmanship, honour and true love.
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Russell Coker, Duke Of Cokerville, needed a bride. So he set out his
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scouts to search his kingdom, visiting every cottage in every wood to find the
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most beautiful woman in the land. After many days of searching, the Duke's
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men approached a cottage deep in the forest of Gotham, where they had been told
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by a travelling condom salesman that here lived the most beautiful woman in the
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land.
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The leader of the party, incidently named Andrew Harrison, glanced at the
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letter box of the cottage - on it was inscribed 'The Waynes'. Curious,
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he neared the cottage, followed by his men. As he got closer, he began
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to hear a rythmic thumping eminating from the cottage. Strange.
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Harrison knocked on the wooden door. The thumping stopped. Nobody answered
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the door. Harrison knocked again, and it swung open.
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"Hello." said a tall dark haired girl, standing in the door way in a flimsy
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yet kinky see-through nightgown. "What can I do for you?" she asked,
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seductively.
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"Wha..what ca..can I do for y..you.." was all Harrison could say. He was
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spellbound. Here, before him, stood the most beautiful woman in the world.
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The tall dark haired girl sighed, her pointy breasts rising and falling like
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a small boat in high seas.
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Harrison was busting now. If he didn't sit down he would pierce that
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metal box protecting God's greatest gift to man.
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"Ca...coul..could I come .. I mean could we ..um..come in....madam.. My men
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ar..are tired and hungry for your.. your warm...warm.. open... fire."
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The tall dark haired girl nodded, and allowed the men to enter. It was a
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smallone roomed cottage, with just an eave to one wall filled with straw for a
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bed. A roaring fire sat in one corner, with the emblem of what appeared a bat-
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like figure suspended over it. The men took a welcome seat by the fire, while
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Harrison glanced at the eaves above. Strange, but he thought he saw movement
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up there.
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"Do you live alone.. miss..miss?"
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"'Brig-ee-ta' is my name. No, my hubby Bruce and I happily live here. He is
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presently out in the woods hunting for wild boar. He makes sure I get enough
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meat every night [obviously has a small dick-Ed.], he is a good loyal husband
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you see."
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This news meant little to Harrison, and he quickly ordered his men to
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capture Brigitte and take her back to Coker Castle. Thoughtfully, before he
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left, Harrison sat down and wrote a short letter for the absent husband
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Mr Wayne, espressing in the kindest words possible what had just happened to
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his wife.
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____________________________________________
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/ \ \
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\/ \ Dear Bruce, \
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| Sorry to break this to |
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| you mate, but the Duke of Cokerville, |
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| Russ Coker, has ordered that the |
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| most beautiful woman in his land |
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| (who, incidently, is your wife) is |
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| to be his bride. Inclosed is a gold |
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| coin, in consideration of the |
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| inconveniences we may have caused. |
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| Yours faithfully, |
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| Andrew Harrisson |
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| No.1 Nastie Pastie |
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/\ / /
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\_/__________________________________________/
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Harrison carefully blue-tacced the note above the fireplace with the coin.
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As he and his men rode off from the cottage, the struggling Brigitte tied to a
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horse, he thought he saw a figure in black furs and a red cap run from the
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cottage. But he looked again, and there was no such figure. Must have been a
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delusion. It was definitely time to retire on that superannuation.
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A few hours later, Bruce the Boar Hunter returned with his prize three wild
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pigs strung on a pole. He strode into his cottage, dumped the carcasses onto
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the stone floor, took off his black leather jacket and silly pointy black
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moccasins, and called to Brigitte who he thought was hiding in the eaves.
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There was no response, and then he noticed the letter blue-tacced to the wall
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above the fireplace.
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After reading the note, Bruce rushed to the cupboard, bought out his trusty
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silver Sword Of Pleasure, strapped it on, and cried out loud.. "I, Bruce The
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Boar Hunter, shall die before this evil Duke shall have my love!"
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With that, he left.
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Meanwhile, in an undisclosed location within the walls of Coker Castle,
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a deep and meaningful conversation was in motion...
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"Deeper... deeper Matty.."
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"Yes Russ.. I'm trying I'm trying..."
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"You must go deeper, Matty..."
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[we knew it all along guys, now admit it: you're gay!-Ed.]
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"I'm sorry... but your men have searched as deep into the forest as they
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can,
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and they cannot find the legendary Brigitte Lambert..", said a little man
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wearing thick glasses, the aid [tweezer supplyer?-Ed.] to The Duke Russel.
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"Possibly she is using an alias.. and has not told my men her real name."
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suggested the Duke. "Announce a second, more serious search."
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"I think its ya who should be serious, sire. Your men will undoubtedly find
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her and bring her to you, and when you marry her all will be settled."
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"What will be settled??" questioned The Duke.
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"The rumours.. um.." blabbed Aid Matty. [Matty's got AIDS too?? -Ed]
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"What rumours??"
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"You know.. um.. I mean.."
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"WHAT RUMOURS???" roared Duke Russell.
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"The um.. infertility um.. ones um... Oh! Your men have returned."
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Harrison The Hassler strode into the room.
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"Bring her in!", he cried. "Ahh..sire. I have good news for you. We have
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found the most beautiful woman in the land, and brought her to you as planned.
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I hope you find her.. um.. satisfying..we did."
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A screaming, bitching, noisy girl was then brought into the chamber, bound
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with rope, and escorted by several men. She stopped struggling and glanced
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around the room, until she spotted Matty.
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"Swine! Scum! Traitor!" she cried at him.
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Matty quickly left. Such family fueds where not something he particularly
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enjoyed, unless it had something to do with Trade Wars. [But you can only
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trade it once.-Ed.]
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The Duke rose, and ordered the men to leave. As soon as he was alone with
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Brigitte, he fainted from cracking the biggest stiff since he first saw Elle
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MacPherson. [ his dick reached normal size?-Ed.]
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-----------
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Meanwhile, in the local township, Bruce The Boar Hunter was searching the
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Village Inns looking to gather some mercenaries to help him fight the Duke.
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He approached a sleazy looking Inn called "The Crossover", and decided to start
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looking in there. It looked scummy enough to hold a few pisspots who would
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listen to his story.
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As he entered the quiet booz joint, all conversation ceased. Eyes followed
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him as he strode forward, his Sword Of Pleasure dangling between his legs.
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Nervously Bruce re-arranged the scabbard so the Sword stopped jangling, waited
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until the eyes returned to their beers and conversationd began again, then
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neared a table in the centre where he some rugged, wildy dressed, smelling
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drunks were seated.
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The first pisspot, wearing gloves and a riding jacket, introduced himself
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as Avalon.
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"Hi.", said Avalon. "Thet me guess - your yet another thalesman trying to
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flog the IBM Adth-Lib music boarth right?"
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"No, not really." replied Bruce. "Actually, the Duke has kidnapped my wife
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and plans to marry her tomorrow, and I am going to steal her back, by invading
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Coker Castle tonight with the help of some mercenaries I hope to find here."
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"Oh, rightyo." said Avalon. "Count me-Ohhhhhh..." [ I'll be in too!-Ed.]
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"Me too!" came a cry from under the table. A head popped up between Bruce
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and Avalon from under the seat, and a smiling face gleamed up at him.
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"Who on earth are you?" shrieked Bruce, nearly spilling the beer Avalon had
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placed in his hands.
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A second face appeared from under the table, a grinning young female with a
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full mouth.
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"There you are!" cried the barman, Captain Blood, as he stormed forward.
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"I told you not to associate with this scum, you'll catch a disease if you
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don't watch out. No go and do your homework, or you'll never pass Year 7, and
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mother will not be pleased." [she'll have to work the streets?-Ed.]
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"Yes bro.." said the solem little girl. As she walked off, dragging her
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Teddy Bear, she turned around and winked at the offender, as he re-arranged
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his red cap.
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"Well, who will join me in my quest to save my love Brigitte!" cried Bruce.
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"I'm in!", yelled Avalon, raising his Sword Of Darkness in the air.
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"Me too!", roared Doc, following suit with his Sword Of Divineness.
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"And me!", cried Benny, wielding his Sword Of Walliness.
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"And me!", squeaked Blue Adept, with his Sword Of Youth.
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"And me!", yelled General Discomfort, thrashing his Sword Of Enthusiasm
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about.
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[ Who are they in ? I WANT HER!-Ed]
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"Then off to Coker Castle!" cried Bruce, as he led the bunch of
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revolutionaries out the door, and into the cool night air.
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-----------
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Meanwhile, Duke Russell was recovering from his faint...
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"There there Russel..", pampered Brigitte. "You'll be OK now.."
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"Gee thanks Briggy.. Your so nice to me. Nobody else is ever nice to me."
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said Russell, nursing his head.
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"Ohhh Poor Russy." said the nurse, as she sat down opposite Russ, leaned
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over his desk and stared into his eyes seductively..
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"Why did you kidnap me, by the way?"
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"Cos.. cos I wanted a wife.. you see. You see.. nerds like me wanna have fun
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too you know, they like sex just as much as cool people. And.. and well I just
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can't seem to find anyone .. you know. sorta. you understand?"
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"Yeah, sure darling..I understand", said Brigitte, in a soft mellow voice.
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"Darling??"
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-----------
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Meanwhile, far away at a fork in the roadway through Coker Forest, a
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discussion was going on under the light of the full moon.
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"Its this way I'm sure...." said Bruce.
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"Nahh. This way.." pointed out Avalon.
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"Cmon guys! Don't say we're lost! Already!" cried General.
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Suddenly a bunch of nasty looking thieves entered onto the road, surrounding
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the arguing congregation.
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"Hi.", said Avalon. "We're lost mercenaries, planning to attack Coker Castle
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tonight. Would you perhaps know the way?"
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The thieves moved closer, their faces now appearing in the moon light.
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"Huh? Guys.." said Avalon.
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"Guys.." said Avalon.
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Avalon looked left, right, behind, forward. Everyone was gone!
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"Oh great." whimpered Avalon, as the thieves were now surrounding every
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possible exit.
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"Give us ya money.. nerd." said the lead thief.
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"Who are you... you don't look like travelling Ad-Lib card salesmen."
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questioned Avalon, looking for a way out of this rather unwanted situation.
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"Me name is Ivan. Ivan Trotsky. And these are my fellow theives. Thats
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Infiltrator", he said, pointing to the tallest one. "Thats Negative Energy, and
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Radical Accumulator.. the short one is Cefiar Chunderac, next to him is Iceman,
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and down there is Disk Destroyer.. We're theives you see, we steal from the
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poor and give to ourselves."
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"Oh thats good. Wot 'puter u got?"
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"I got an Apple actually..", said Cef.
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"Oh..", mumbled Avalon, "with a multi IO serial card, 680238 processer and
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ram card?"
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"Nah. Only got a 1234982 processor. But I'm gonna get a 680' chip soon!"
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"Is that with the 16 bit BUS ?"
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"No, thats the 680238b chip."
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"But didn't Zilog produce a 680238a chip with 16 bit BUS for the ZX80?"
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"Perhaps.. but the 680238a was shit. It was superseeded by the 32bit multi
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processor job from Xenix, now thats what I call a processor.."
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"Yeah..?"
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-----------
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Meanwhile, somewhere else in the forest..
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"There! Coker Castle!" whispered Bruce The Boar Hunter.
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"Oh goodie oh goodie terrific great wowee woopee" chipped General.
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"Now, team, this is our plan. You - Doc - scale the back entrance and work
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your way up through the servant's quarters. Blue Adept, you come with me, and
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we'll take the front gate. Benny - the sewers."
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Benny complained. "Why me.. why do I always get the wally jobs.."
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"Right.. good luck men.. and I'll meet you in the Grand Hall, where we'll
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make an attack on Russ's chamber, where he is holding Brigitte." [By her tits
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is my guess.-Ed.]
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And with that, they split.
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-----------
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Benny grumbled a lot as he sloshed through the mirky brown liquid that
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filled the Castle Sewers.
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"Why did I have to be a wally.. why why why.. I should have listened to my
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mummy.. when she said "Son, with that red hair of yours, your gonna go far..
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They're gonna come from miles away just to fondle and touch those locks.."
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Benny stopped. He suddenly realised he wasn't alone in the sewer. There,
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before him, stood a little sewer rat, standing up to his hips in the water.
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But what struck Benny most was that this was no ordinary sewer rat - this
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was a red-haired sewer rat, called Hologram.
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-----------
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In another part of the castle, a cloaked figure was scrambling over a
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brick wall. As he landed inside the castle walls, he casually bent over
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and picked up his red cap that had fallen. Sensing that people were
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approaching, he made a quick exit left.
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Slowly the figure made his way through the labyrinth of twisting passages,
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pausing every moment to make sure no one was about. Pausing at a pillar,
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he noticed a poster attached to the brick...
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________________________________________________
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| * * |
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| NOW SHOWING NOW SHOWING NOW SHOWING NOW |
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| Brigitte Lambert |
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| in |
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| TOO MUCH TOO SOON II - THE SEQUEL |
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| more pussy than CATS |
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| more filth that Cef's bedroom |
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| more orgasms than a Transvision Vamp album |
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| brought to you by Valhalla Inc. |
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| 69 High Street, Northcote |
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| NOW SHOWING NOW SHOWING NOW SHOWING NOW |
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| * * |
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|________________________________________________|
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Doc paused to read the poster, shrugged, and walked on. And stopped. And
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started again. And stopped again. He sighed, walked back, pulled out a texta
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and scrawled on the poster, "better points than the Taj Mahal".
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Accidently, Doc dropped the texta as he finished the 'l'. "Shit", he said,
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as he bent down to pick it up. He groped around in the dark, until he grasped
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something not intirely texta-like. Infact, it was a bare foot, attached to a
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calf, to a leg, kneecaps, and the rest of a six foot blonde wearing only a
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dainty negligee staring down at him.
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Before Doc could even gasp a "Hello", she knocked him unconcious with
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a club and dragged him off into a dark alcove.
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-----------
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During this time, Bruce and Blue Adept had entered the castle and had
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located Russ's Chamber. They waited until General Discomfort and Benny arrived.
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Benny was now carrying a red-haired rat he had now befriended.
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"Where is Doc?", asked Bruce. 'Oh well, we'll have to do this without him.
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Right, raise your swords, men.."
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"I already have.." said the startled Blue Adept, "didn't you guys notice?"
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"ATTAACCKKKKK!" roared Bruce The Boar Hunter, as he kicked the doors to the
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Chamber open, and ran inside. There sat Brigitte, tied to a chair. Russell
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immediately drew his sword, flanked by several of his henchmen.
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Bruce paused at Brigitte. "Never fear, Bruce The Boar Hunter is here!". And
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with that he charged at Russell, wielding his Sword Of Pleasure. Benny took on
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two henchmen, while General chased Matty around the room.
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"Come here! Come here!", squealed General, "Come here, don't show your
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rear!"
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"You'll never catch me Gen", cried Matty, "We have plenty more henchmen!"
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Between clashes Benny replied "Don't count your eggs pal..We only came for
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gal.".
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"Surrender you swine", ordered Bruce, "That girl is mine!"
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"This poetry is so bad", yelled Russel, "that its driving me mad!"
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"Stop this fuss!", cried Brigitte, "You'll never stop Russ!"
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"Huh?", blurted Bruce. Everyone stopped fighting, and turned to Brigitte.
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{Pause}
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"You'll never stop Russ", she said again. "He'll save me, he will."
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"Eh?", said Bruce, confused. "Doesn't that.. like .. stuff up the plot?
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Like.. I thought I was saving you.. You don't wanna marry him. right?"
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|
|
"Things have happened.. um.. Bruce.. I've changed my mind. Well, I have
|
|
kinda.. kinda come to know Russ while being tied up here, and, well, I've
|
|
decided to marry him anyway."
|
|
|
|
"WHAT!" cried everyone in unison.
|
|
|
|
"Well", said Brigitte, "I'm entitled to do what I want to do. And who said I
|
|
have to spend my life chained to a bed serving a chauvanist sexist pig like
|
|
Bruce.. What if I wanna be independant.. rich.. powerful.. like the Duchess Of
|
|
Cokerville.. Huh? Doesn't anybody care what I think?"
|
|
|
|
{another pause}
|
|
|
|
"Blue Adept", sighed Bruce.
|
|
|
|
"Yeah", said Blue Adept.
|
|
|
|
"You've got a cute arse, you know that." [Syn ...?-Ed.]
|
|
|
|
Benny groaned, sighed. He began to pat his little sewer rat. General
|
|
Discomfort sat down and began talking about his Anderson score with Matty.
|
|
|
|
-----------
|
|
|
|
The rays of a morning sun slowly began to cover the land. A sense of a new
|
|
beginning emerged, a feeling of freshness, of new hope and new dreams. A cock
|
|
crowed, cows mooed for their milk, and Doc woke up.
|
|
|
|
"You know, you have very tasty thighs.", he said to Dark Princess, who was
|
|
spralled out on the bed next to him.
|
|
|
|
"Well, I'm off.", he said, dressing. "Another day, another blister."
|
|
|
|
The Dark Princess sighed, "You will come back won't you..?"
|
|
|
|
"Of course", smiled Doc, "This is true love, remember."
|
|
|
|
-----------
|
|
|
|
Doc later found Avalon still arguing with Cefiar, surrounded by some
|
|
sleeping thieves who had pitched camp beside the road.
|
|
|
|
"C'mon Avalon", he said. "We've got another adventure waiting for us...
|
|
Who knows what will happen in Rat 5.."
|
|
|
|
Slowly Doc dragged Avalon away. "Its got something to do with modems I
|
|
think.. You should like that.."
|
|
|
|
Avalon finally turned and spoke to Doc. "Modem? Is that a netcomm modem or a
|
|
trailblazer? Which chip is that?"
|
|
|
|
"Oh the 8088 chip I think. With dual processing." replied Doc, walking off
|
|
into the distance with Avalon, off to find another pub, in another land.
|
|
|
|
===========
|
|
|
|
The End.
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
|
|
"A good woman is like a good scotch.. mellow, rich and tawny, strong,
|
|
fragrant... and twelve years old."
|
|
|
|
The Masked Paedophile, Burning Crucifix BBS
|
|
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
|
|
Trivia Quiz.
|
|
-=*********************
|
|
|
|
How much do you really know about bulletin boards ?
|
|
Try this little quiz, and keep a score as you go.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------Question 1-------------------------------
|
|
|
|
What board did "The Alien" run?
|
|
|
|
[1] .. The Time Warp BBS
|
|
[2] .. Electric Dreams
|
|
[3] .. The Truth BBS
|
|
[4] .. All of the above.
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------Question 2-------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Who writes the R.A.T. series under the alias Evil Dangles?
|
|
|
|
[1] .. A breakaway sect of Evil Angels.
|
|
[2] .. Taxi Cab seeking revenge.
|
|
[3] .. A user who calls himself All, who is frustrated by the fact that there
|
|
are a lot of nasty people sending him a lot of useless mail.
|
|
[4] .. Fearless Fred while sober.
|
|
[5] .. My IBM.
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------Question 3-------------------------------
|
|
|
|
What is the "Craig Bowen blues"?
|
|
|
|
[1] .. A No.1 Hit on the Black Singles chart.
|
|
[2] .. A pair of shoes.
|
|
[3] .. The sysop's alternative to social depression.
|
|
[4] .. A venerial disease.
|
|
[5] .. CB's very own family "Home Movies".
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------Question 4-------------------------------
|
|
|
|
What psuedonym does Eric Anderson use on his own board?
|
|
|
|
[1] .. Eric Anderson
|
|
[2] .. Happy Hacker
|
|
[3] .. Sysop
|
|
[4] .. Cindy
|
|
[5] .. Blondie
|
|
[6] .. Me Again
|
|
[7] .. All of the above.
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------Question 5-------------------------------
|
|
|
|
What gender is the user "Avalon .."?
|
|
|
|
[1] .. Male
|
|
[2] .. Female
|
|
[3] .. Neuter
|
|
[4] .. All of the above.
|
|
[5] .. Some of the above.
|
|
[6] .. I think I've met Avalon ..
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------Question 6---------------------------------
|
|
|
|
What is the ultimate bulletin board software?
|
|
|
|
[1] .. BOGBBS (Oliver Goldstein's little monster)
|
|
[2] .. GBBS (Good ol' Apple BBS)
|
|
[3] .. QuickBBS (No hints - but I use it)
|
|
[4] .. TBBS (my 'T'ummy hurts BBS ) *
|
|
[5] .. DLX (A software version of Des Capitol)
|
|
[6] .. OPUS (And Fred thought it was another naughty picture show)
|
|
[7] .. FIDO (Blue Star has competition)
|
|
[8] .. RBBS ('Arghh!' BBS)
|
|
|
|
* incidently this has abolutely nothing to do with Cefiar's drinking habits ..
|
|
|
|
<*****************************> Answers <******************************>
|
|
|
|
45-3744
|
|
[24hrs]
|
|
|
|
1 point for each correct answer.
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------Scoring---------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Score: Means....
|
|
------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
[ below 2 ] : You obviously are a new user, or plain stupid, or both.
|
|
|
|
[2 ....... 4] : You call the wrong boards. Get around!
|
|
|
|
[4 ....... 5] : You appear to be an experienced user and call the right boards.
|
|
|
|
[6 or above ] : You cheated.
|
|
------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
=============================================================================
|
|
|
|
Aphelia Bottom's INs And OUTs
|
|
+------------------------------------+
|
|
|
|
[Sounds like a list of people who have fucked her.-Ed]
|
|
|
|
Hi peoples.. this is your friendly gossip columnist Aphelia Bottom, with my
|
|
list of whats in, whats out and everything else that matters ..
|
|
[So how do we get IN your pants, Aphelia ?-Ed.]
|
|
|
|
Whats Out.. Whats In..
|
|
--------------------- -----------------------------------
|
|
Sex Underwater Sex at 10000 ft.
|
|
Mature Women 12 Year Olds
|
|
Abusing Taxi Cab Abusing The Masked Avenger
|
|
Zen The Cafe
|
|
Hacking & Phreaking Working for the Feds
|
|
300 baud modems 9600 baud modems (no hints Bruce!)
|
|
Chat/Conference Cult Boards
|
|
Amigas My Cray III
|
|
--------------------- -----------------------------------
|
|
[strange names for people to have-Ed.]
|
|
|
|
So keep it up...
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
|
|
* Everything you ever wanted to know about Paedophilia but were afraid to ask.*
|
|
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
|
|
|
|
by Doc.
|
|
|
|
[NOTE: The writer is sexist; there is no advice for female, straight,
|
|
paedophiles-Ed.]
|
|
|
|
Where to find them..
|
|
----------------------------
|
|
|
|
Since twelve-year old virgins don't hang around sleazy night clubs, you will
|
|
have to go out and find them. Start at a school playground, but watch out for
|
|
patrolling teachers. Also useful is MacDonalds after school, Bros concerts and
|
|
slumber parties.
|
|
|
|
How to chat them up..
|
|
-----------------------------
|
|
|
|
Days where you could hand out lollies, cookies and teddy bears are long
|
|
gone. Little girls these days are sophisticated, and require much more tact
|
|
in picking up. Avoid your normal night-club pick-up lines, something like
|
|
"Hey, wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I'll guess your weight.."
|
|
just scare them off. They think your a disgusting, sexually disorientated
|
|
pervert. The fact that this is probably true is irrelevant, you have to appear
|
|
to be nice, safe, mature, and interested in them. So start talking about their
|
|
pop music, their male idols like Jason Donovan or Julian Lennon, and appear to
|
|
be interested in their school-ground gossip like who likes Jenny, how nobody
|
|
likes Dianne and how Matty is a real dork - no matter how brain wastingly
|
|
boring this may be. It all pays off in the end. Also, during the conversation,
|
|
pick up as much information you can about her friends, so you can work on them
|
|
next.
|
|
|
|
Getting past their parents..
|
|
------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
If you've successfully befriended her, don't immediately ask her out to a
|
|
drug party or anything you would normally go to on a Saturday night, try
|
|
something like "Hey, wanna go see Care Bears II with me?". Also, most parents
|
|
won't let their daughters out at night so it'll have to be a Saturday arvo
|
|
date, as their usually playing netball in the morning and go to Brownies on
|
|
Sunday. Also, the choice of movie is important, Care Bears II hasn't really
|
|
got any good sex scenes - you want something to give her ideas. Perhaps
|
|
Manifesto, Heavy Petting, Flesh Gordan or something with a lot of seduction and
|
|
sex without love. As soon as you've got a date, her parents will undoubtedly
|
|
ask to meet you so they can check you out. If you're her first date then this
|
|
will be increasingly difficult, parents seem to care about their daughters
|
|
inversely proportional to the amount of times shes been laid. When you do meet
|
|
them, shake hands with the father, and smile a lot. Compliment them on the
|
|
house, or if she lives in Northcote then something tactful like.. "the
|
|
renovations are coming along great aren't they?". Also, contain youself if
|
|
there is a younger sister in the house. If you want her too, offer to drive her
|
|
to Kindergarten one day.
|
|
|
|
Bedroom tactics..
|
|
-------------------------
|
|
|
|
Now your back from the movie, and shes invited you up to her bedroom to show
|
|
you her record collection. Her parents are downstairs, watching television,
|
|
saying things like "Isn't he such a nice boy...". Make sure the bedroom door is
|
|
locked to keep out prying little brothers [ I thought they only watched you
|
|
wank Doc?-Ed.], put on some slow music, sit down on the bed next to her, and
|
|
tell her things like how beautiful she is, how she is really mature infront of
|
|
her friends, and how she could be really capable of a relationship despite her
|
|
age. Kiss. Then fuck her brains out. [Skull fucking?-Ed.]
|
|
|
|
Cya at the Virgin Megastore in the city..[I thought they sold records.-Ed.]
|
|
|
|
----------------------------- Quote Of The Month ------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"Sex, Drugs and Twelve Year Olds..."
|
|
|
|
The Masked Paedophile, Burning Crucifix BBS
|
|
|
|
----------------------------- Song Of The Month -------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Bitch, a Mutha, a Big Big Mutha;
|
|
Itch, a place in the groin to scratch;
|
|
Hitch, I pick the little boys up;
|
|
Slab, Fearless Fred's perfect match;
|
|
Bath, a place for making gin,
|
|
Briggy, another word for sin,
|
|
Prick, something hard going in,
|
|
And that brings us back to..
|
|
Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch...
|
|
|
|
[ Sound Like Another One Of Your Would-Be Girl Friends Doc.-Ed.]
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Sounds like War Games....
|
|
----------------------------
|
|
|
|
ATSB1
|
|
|
|
OK
|
|
|
|
ATDP 3675816
|
|
|
|
CONNECT 1200
|
|
|
|
Welcome to WOPR Defense Computer.
|
|
|
|
Logon > JOSHUA
|
|
|
|
Greetings Professer Falken.
|
|
Would you like to play a game?
|
|
|
|
> YES
|
|
|
|
What game would you like to play, Professer Falken?
|
|
|
|
> LIST GAMES
|
|
|
|
Tic Tac Toe.
|
|
Chess.
|
|
Pacman.
|
|
Strip Poker.
|
|
Leisure Suit Larry II.
|
|
King's Quest IV.
|
|
Space Quest.
|
|
Thermonuclear War.
|
|
|
|
> I WANT TO PLAY THERMO-NUCLEAR WAR.
|
|
|
|
How about a nice game of chess?
|
|
|
|
>PISS OFF NERD!
|
|
|
|
Do you want to play Russia or America?
|
|
|
|
> AMERICA
|
|
|
|
Ok, I will play Russia.
|
|
|
|
Calculating my first moves...
|
|
|
|
Would you like some battle statistics?
|
|
|
|
> YES
|
|
|
|
Ok. Here I go..
|
|
|
|
Population wiped out:
|
|
Civilians..................12%
|
|
Military...................10%
|
|
Mentats....................99% [an ollie lives! -Ed]
|
|
Churches hit....................1233
|
|
Cop Stations destroyed...........213
|
|
Incidences of murder..............72
|
|
looting............234
|
|
rape.............12325
|
|
paedophilia..........1 [Masky!-Ed.]
|
|
|
|
Missiles incoming in approximately 20 seconds..
|
|
|
|
> FIRE ALL MISSILES
|
|
|
|
Too late. Impact in 5 seconds...3...1...
|
|
|
|
KABLOOOOOOOOOEEEY!! BAMM! WHACKK!!! BOOOMMM!! CRASH!!! CCCRUNCH! BLAAAAHHH!!
|
|
|
|
[don't you just hate IBM sound capabilities?????]
|
|
|
|
But never fear! Never again will you have to suffer the indignity of
|
|
listening to bleeps, bamms and crashes... with the all new
|
|
|
|
AD LIB MUSIC CARD!
|
|
|
|
You can now enjoy women screaming, building crashing, people dying and
|
|
music Genghis Kahn would dance to. Servicing all the latest
|
|
top games like Space Quest, Kings Quest, Combat simulators and the rest..
|
|
|
|
SEND ALL YOUR MONEY TO THIS ADDRESS AND GET ONE FREE!!!!
|
|
|
|
Night Stalker
|
|
c/o CrossOver BBS
|
|
(03)-367-5816
|
|
|
|
send a message to the sysop to place your order
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
qgAugust Awardzq'
|
|
___________________________
|
|
==================
|
|
|
|
Loozer Of The Month..............................................Dune Messiah
|
|
[ Loozer of the Year ?-Ed.]
|
|
|
|
Bastard Sysop Of The Month.....................................Masked Avenger
|
|
|
|
Easy Cum Easy Go Award..............................................Labyrinth
|
|
|
|
I Wish I Wasn't Her Brother Award...............................Matty Lambert
|
|
[then it wouldn't be incest!-Ed.]
|
|
|
|
Hard To Get Award............................................Brigitte Lambert
|
|
|
|
I'll Get It In The Hole Next Time.....................................Bigfoot
|
|
[thanks for your money pal!-Doc (I thought I did these-Ed.)]
|
|
|
|
Award For Driving Excellence.................................Janine & Crystal
|
|
[ the police thought so too!-Ed. ]
|
|
|
|
I'm not 15 Award...................................................Mr. Jordan
|
|
[Not a 15 either -Ed.]
|
|
|
|
Raped Before Puberty Award...........................................Hologram
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
In next month's issue of RAT....
|
|
we present
|
|
|
|
_____________
|
|
( / \
|
|
/ /
|
|
/________ / /\ ____ ____ ______ ______ _____
|
|
/ \ / \ ( / ) ( / \ ( / ' ( / \ / '
|
|
/ \ /----\ / / / /---) /_____/ <----->
|
|
__/__) \_______/ \___/_______/____/___/___)_____/ \___________/
|
|
|
|
O F T H E L O S T M O D E M C O R D
|
|
by Bruce Wayne
|
|
|
|
[n.b. this is not a plug for Netcomm.. it's a cord]
|
|
|
|
[and didn't that pun strike a bad chord]
|
|
|
|
[The author is out of tune-Ed.]
|
|
|
|
then again, maybe not..
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Rebel Anarchistic Tendencies Is...
|
|
|
|
Doc [founder]
|
|
Avalon .. [editor ]
|
|
Bruce Wayne [author ]
|
|
|
|
....Honourary Members are:
|
|
|
|
Brigitte Lambert [token female] [She's not sexy.-Ed.]
|
|
Lachlan Maher [token wally ]
|
|
Night Stalker [sysop of THE BBS]
|
|
|
|
Pushers:
|
|
|
|
Cefiar Chunderac [sysop, The Cafe]
|
|
Night Stalker [sysop, The CrossOver]
|
|
Bruce Wayne [sysop, Chicago]
|
|
|
|
Cadet authors always welcome.
|
|
|
|
Send Resume, a sample of your work and your vital stats to:
|
|
|
|
Avalon ..
|
|
c/o The Crossover BBS
|
|
|
|
if you wish to apply for a cadetship.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Call These Boards...
|
|
----------------------
|
|
|
|
All (+61)-(03) (Victoria, Australia)
|
|
|
|
** The CrossOver.............367-5816 ** **.364-1282 as of 25/9/89.**
|
|
[always engaged]
|
|
Chicago...................728-6698
|
|
[1200 & 2400 CCITT, 300 Bell]
|
|
The Hard Rock Cafe........894-2815
|
|
[four lines with chat]
|
|
The BlackBoard............776-5206
|
|
[no loosers, nerds or geeks.]
|
|
The Burning Crucifix......562-0938
|
|
[SPACES & RETURN at carrier]
|
|
|
|
** The Twilite Zone..........878-3539 ** ** Currently Off Line **
|
|
[Now with QuickBBS]
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
All rights worth all the shit up Masky's arse.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|