378 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
378 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
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The Good and Caring Angels present...
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AAAAA TTTTTTTT
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AA AA TT
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AAAAAAA nacryptic TT esticles..
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AA AA TT
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AA AA TT
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(rebel anarchistic tendencies)
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-----------------------------------------------------------------
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Ring these boards...
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Megaworks 725-5831 All Speeds 24hrs
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Pacific Island 890-2174 All Speeds 24hrs
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GreyHawk BBS 299-1030 All Speeds 24hrs
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The Truth BBS 813-1663 300/300 1200/1200 23hrs
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------------------------------------------------------------------
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In this Rebel A.T. we will be..
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Informing You On The Results of Taxi Cab's Operation
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A Revealling Look At The Real Night Stalker
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Showing You How To Be A Bastard Sysop
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The 1988 Bulletin Board Awards (ok.. so maybe they're a little late!)
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What To Do When Cefiar Logs On
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and much much more utter, utter bullshit.. brought to you by
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The Good & Caring Angels (fuck yeah!)
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consiting of..
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Lightning Molt...
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Vagabank ( "You can bonk on us..." )
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The LensCap
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Synderella
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Disk Rammer
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and everyone else I cant think up these stupid names for!!
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(bullshit they wrote this... but you said it yourself...
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YOU HAVE NO GODAMN FUCKING RIGHTS SO NERH! )
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Go ahead.. sue us.. make my bloody day worse than it bloody is..
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(I mean, I had Taxi Cab logon to my board this morning... Syn turned me
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down yet again last night.. and then The Australian said I had hacked
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into Romper Room's Mainframe! ... so don't think sueing me
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is going to make my day worse! - it would make it better.)
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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YOURMOTHERNOTONLYSUCKSCOCKSINHELLBUTBRAGSABOUTITATTHEBRIDGECLUBTHENEXTDAY
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*** How To Be A Bastard Sysop By Trying Very Hard. (Part II) ***
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1. Use the change-user-time facility set the users time down so you can get
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out of chat mode easily.
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2. Make a mesg base so big that it is impossible to read every mesg area
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in the time you have per call.
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3. Tell users they have 60 minutes but really give them 45.
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4. Put an answering service online when the board is down so they get
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charged on each call.
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5. Encourage users to use attack-dial. (see above)
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6. Run hacking areas but dont tell anybody!
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7. Run hacking areas, tell everybody, then delete them.
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8. Change to Logoff key to 'M' after running the mesg base from
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that same key for a month before hand.
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9. Make the logon screen so long that your users press 'S' and skip it.
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Then you can say "I told you so.. dont you read!".
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10. Run meets in the city and dont tell anybody the time or place.
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11. Take the board offline during 5pm-> 8pm weekdays, and all weekend, so
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you can play games.
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12. Use multi-tasking to read a new user's confidential questionaire while in
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chat mode.
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13. Move Private mail to Public Mesg areas.
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14. Join in conversations in private mail.
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15. Interrupt a user while they are writing a mesg, then hide the
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"end chat mode" warning.
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16. Capture all chats and post it in "How to be a bastard sysop Part III."
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17. Edit the above.
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18. Tell your users to call back in ten minutes, and then logon to Zen.
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19. Run conferencing with one line.
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20. Rig the time-left-display to be 10 minutes more than they really have.
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21. Forget to put the downloading command on the file base menu.
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22. Buy two modems, one that only does 300 baud and a second that does up to
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9600. Use the 9600 modem on your other computer for outdialing.
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23. Configure your modem to try the 300 baud carrier TWICE.
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24. Put an answering machine in the rotary system.
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25. Leave page on but remove your speaker.
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26. Forget to put page on the top menu.
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27. Put goodbye on the user configure menu ONLY.
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28. Arrange the mesg base under topic menus so it takes twice as long to
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read all the mail.
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29. Tell everyone you are running online games but put them on sysop access
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only.
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30. Change your logon screen to read "Welcome to ZOIST".
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31. Advertise your board in the general mesg area of other boards rather
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than in the "BBS News" areas.
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32. Lie about your hardware on the logon screen.
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33. Submit the userfile for text file downloading.
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34. Run tradewars between 1am and 6am.
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35. Switch off 300 baud ansi and file transfers on a 300 baud only bbs.
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36. Make the highest non-sysop sercurity level 5 out of 100.
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37. Buy a 120 meg hard-disc and continue to use the board on floppies.
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38. Run a part-time board but don't tell the hours.
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39. Disconnect your mode during a thunderstorm and leave the same night
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for a two week holiday.
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40. Configure events to throw users off immediately, even if your
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software can do multi-tasking.
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41. Set events at 8pm.
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42. Tell unwanted users you are about to test a new utility you have
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just written, then proceed to log them off.
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43. Answer page at 6 in the morning, but not at 8 at night.
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44. Switch Turbo off when the board is online.
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45. Put a pause option in the reboot batch file after logoff.
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46. Connect the page option to run a secondary external circuit to switch
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on the stereo instead. Suggested music includes..
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Pink Floyd ... "How I wish you were here.."
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Beatles.... "Help!"
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Stevie Wonder.."I just called to say... "
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47. Pull the plug on the above.
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48. Change the sysop-initiated-logoff text to read "Sysop has shelled to
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Dos, please wait..."
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49. Turn mail check off upon logon, and instead write a utility to count
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the mail and respond with a figure one more than actual mail. Then
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tell the user to search for mail instead.
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50. Turn mail check off completely, and configure atleast 50 mesg areas.
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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*** THE 1988 BULLETIN BOARD AWARDS ***
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"God" award..................................................CRAIG BOWEN
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Most vile, crude, rude, vulgar disgusting, enjoyable board.........TRUTH
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Best home for derelicts........................................CROSSOVER
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Most name changes.....(tie between TRUTH, ELECTRIC DREAMS and TIME WARP)
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Worst modem(s).......................................................ZEN
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"Weirdos of the year"................(role players of the MIDNIGHT FROG)
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Most bugs the sysop knows of but does nothing about..........THE FACTORY
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Most amount of borrowed modems.......................................ZEN
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Most money-scunging sysop....................................Craig Bowen
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Richest board........................................................ZEN
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Best power supply............................................BLACK BOARD
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Noisiest hard-drive..........................................THE FACTORY
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Most talked about without existing board........................EVLANDER
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First solar and battery powered board...........................EVLANDER
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Most bullshit board.............................................GREYHAWK
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Worst sysop.....................................................GREYHAWK
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System most hogged by the sysop.................................GREYHAWK
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Worst mesg base....................................................AUSOM
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Straightest board............................................Bog's ZOIST
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Most worked and least updated...............................TWILITE ZONE
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Best mesg area.........................The GobbleDock War (TWILITE ZONE)
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Most original software...........................................CITADEL
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Best overseas board........................................ALTOS, Munich
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Most confusing mesg leaver..................................Dragon Ruler
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Most bullshit mesg leaver...................................Dragon Ruler
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Worst mesg leaver..........................................Night Stalker
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( "You mean you can actually enter more than one line??" )
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Worst sign-offs............................................System Addict
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Best sign-offs..............................................Ivan Trotsky
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Best TOP menu...............................................OUTER LIMITS
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Worst MESG-TOP menu.......................................CRYSTAL PALACE
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Most original pseudonym..............................................Syn
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(does ANYBODY know what it really means???)
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(you mean our wildest dreams ARE actually true?)
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Most unavailable sysop.......................................Craig Bowen
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( "Page me at 6 o'clock on a Saturday.. I will be around.
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Thunderbirds are on then..." )
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The Modem's Worst Fear Award...............................Eric Anderson
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The Board's Worst Fear Award....................................Taxi Cab
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Worst Board software..............................................DocBBS
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Best rapping board...................................................ZEN
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Worst commerical software........................................ Opussy
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Best commerical software........................................QuickBBS
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Worst poetry ever!..............................................Vagabond
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and the final moment you've been waiting for...
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*** The Best Board for all Time Award ***
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Well our panel of schrizonphrenic judges have been arguing for the
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whole night as to this prestigous award... The total cost of this
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engrossing affair comes to this:
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723 logons
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3 ibm xt's
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17 users
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4 dates with Syn
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997 slabs of beer
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3 bottles of Stephen's Green Grog
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10 modems (borrowed from ZEN.. but nobody noticed..)
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and the final decision............is..............
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.......<insert your board name here>
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well, everybody is entitled to an ego!!
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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An In-Depth Revealling And Total Bullshit Look At The Night Stalker.
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WARNING: Get offended, get fucked!
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Name : Night Stalker
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Other Aliases : Stephen Paddon, Syn's Sister (and you thought Taxi had a
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problem working it out!), Stud Man.
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Born : We suspect in a kennel.
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Habitual Abode : The Farm, residing with mutual apathy with "The Body" Sam.
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At first he explained his migration to this quiet country-side retreat
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with the quote -
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"I really hate it when you sit down to have a really good wank and your
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brother walks into the bedroom!"
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but after viewing the recluse we are tempted to believe it is the more
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the presence of a wide variety of innocent sheep, bunny rabbits and
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short ponies that attracts him. Now don't take me wrong this guy
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isn't that kind of person. When he isn't feeding the chooks (minus
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voyeuristic brother) he is shooting them with his new-fangled CrossBow.
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Description : A short stumpy male in a black woollen jumper
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(imitation Bolles suspended at the kneck), denims and a most
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crude slick haircut.
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Another physical characteristic worth mentioning is the tendency to
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wear T-shirts bearing such logos as..
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"Give Me Head, Till I Am Dead"
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and a rather dijointed version of "Fuck Off!"
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Obviously the art of Effective Communication wasn't in the sylabus of
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St Albans High School.
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Movement : Never, never get into a vehicle with this maniac. He turns
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dirt roads into Conrod Straights, the quiet village of St Albans
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into a scaled down version of Beirut, and The Western Freeway into
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Ethiopia at dinner time. I have been lead to believe his aspirations
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as a Formula One Grand Prix Driver didn't get too far, the only
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passing comment being ..
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"They don't go fast enough."
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I have also been told by totally unreliable sources that his
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is endevouring in a business proposition to create business cards
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for Police Encounters, a sort of BankCard for speeding and other
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offences.
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Eating Habits : None. (But when he does (yes, if you crawl out of bed
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at some wee morning hour, and happen to pass the kitchen on the
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way to the outside loo, you might actually happen to catch this
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hermit ACTUALLY EATING) its a mixture of Tinned Soup, Tinned Spam,
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Tinned Ham, Alcohol and Chips.) It was once suggested this is not
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just a habit of zero-consumption levels, but also a rather tactful
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way of getting rid of unwanted guests.
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Other Habits : Science has yet to offer an explanation as to the
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reasoning behind this characters desire of submergence amongst
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weeds, dead fish, pollution, sand and other yukky stuff at the
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bottom of the ocean. Maybe he is looking for an elusive treasure
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chest - but alas nobody has told him they are on the beach instead.
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Or does he know something we don't about legends of mermaids.
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(theories such as enjoyment, a sport, or relaxation have been
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passed in, as it is obvious they don't contain any sexual rewards,
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and thus wouldn't warrant the attention, unless the shiela at the
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fish-n-chips shop counts..)
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Courting : From Syns to Pager Girls.. and all from this...
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NightStalker : "Your beautiful... whats your name?"
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( Big Mother : "Well, Alfred actually." )
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Sysopping : Terrible!
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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And here ends the amazing Anacryptic Testicles Part XI because I'm bored.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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