821 lines
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821 lines
36 KiB
Plaintext
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R a N d O m A c C e S s H u M o R RAH! RAH!
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Volume 0 Number 5 February 1993
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A rag-tag collection of fugitive humor, some of which
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is vaguely related to the BBS/Online System world.
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Editor: Dave Bealer
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Member of the Disktop Publishing Association
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Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved
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Random Access Humor is an irregular production of:
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VaporWare Communications
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32768 Infinite Loop
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Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2
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USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way
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WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
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The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically
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earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy
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this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher
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will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director,
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Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari.
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TABLE OF INCONTINENCE:
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About Vaporware Communications.....................................01
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Editorial - A Format For All Reasons...............................01
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Ski Laptop.........................................................02
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Software Acquisition Blues.........................................02
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Enlightening the Master............................................03
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The Adver-cow Cycle Strikes Again!.................................05
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Grunged Glossary...................................................06
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A Coke and a File..................................................06
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Rune's Rag.........................................................06
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Attention Electronic Publishers!...................................07
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1993 RAH Reader Survey.............................................08
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Taglines Seen Around the Nets......................................10
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Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1
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RAH Distribution System...........................................A-2
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Random Access Humor Page 1 February 1993
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About Vaporware Communications
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VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare
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Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR
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VaporWare Corporate Officers:
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Luther Lecks
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President, Chief Egomaniac Officer
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Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot
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V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service
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Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels
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V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness
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Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A.,
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Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al.
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V.P., Research & Development
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Editorial - A Format For All Reasons
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by Dave Bealer
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The past month has made it abundantly clear that Winter is prime time
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for BBSing. The RAH distribution system has grown by 56%, helped in
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no small measure by the editor's talent for self-promotion. The much
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anticipated attack of the Holiday Modemers did materialize, but no
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serious damage was done; at least nothing that massive quantities of
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antacids can't cure.
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Beginning with this issue, RAH will be published in two versions each
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month. The standard one-piece ASCII text version you have grown used
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to will continue to be produced. It will be accompanied by a version
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designed for use with the Readroom BBS door produced by Michael Gibbs
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of Exhibit A Communications in San Clemente, CA. This READROOM.TOC
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version will also include a personal reader for MS-DOS users.
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Why is this new version being published? During my upload frenzy in
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early January I was surprised by the number of systems that were
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making RAH available for online viewing. The Readroom format is for
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an easy-to-use BBS door that is already being supported by several of
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the leading periodicals in the electronic publishing industry. It
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also serves the needs of users who prefer to use a reader for viewing
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RAH, rather than viewing the plain-text version with a browser.
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Look for both RAH versions on your favorite BBS. The plain text
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version will always be in a file named: RAHmmyy.ZIP (RAH0992.ZIP for
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the debut issue). The new READROOM.TOC format edition will be in a
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file named: RAHmmyyR.ZIP (RAH0293R.ZIP for February 1993). Version
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1.2 of the Readroom Door can be found on many BBSs as RDRM12.ZIP.
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This issue of RAH includes the first annual reader survey. Please
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take a moment and complete the survey. RAH is still a small, rapidly
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growing online magazine. Send in your ideas on improving RAH. You
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can return the survey via e-mail or snail-mail. Addresses are
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included with the survey. {RAH}
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Random Access Humor Page 2 February 1993
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Ski Laptop
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by Dave Bealer
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The high tech professional of the nineties would no sooner leave
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the office without a laptop computer than a lobbyist would pass up
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a power lunch. Of course, as with most good things, some people
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take them to extremes. The latest high-tech yuppie fad sweeping the
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nation is the use of laptop/palmtop/pinkietop computers while skiing.
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Portable computers have been a common sight in hotels catering to
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business travellers for several years now, but they only began
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showing up in numbers at resort hotels, especially ski resorts, quite
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recently. Part of the reason is the steadily decreasing size of
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these systems, accompanied by increased battery life. Solar powered,
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molecule sized computers are expected out any day now.
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A large portion of the increase must be attributed to the efforts of
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the skiing industry, always quick to leap on any way of increasing
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their sales. Many years ago the skiing industry solved part of their
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seasonal difficulties by making their own snow whenever it was cold
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enough. They are at it again today, this time trying to attract
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business people who may have decided in the past not to spend the
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weekend skiing because of that backlog of work at the office.
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Most ski areas in the U.S. have installed the basics of laptop skiing
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accessories, like battery chargers in the lift chairs and fax modems
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in the lodge. Innovative resorts have been offering more advanced
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features, like Global Positioning Systems (GPS) for cross country
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skiers and wireless packet modems.
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On the other side of the coin, laptop manufacturers have been quick
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to respond to the demands of users with many new features designed
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for the skiing laptop user. Screen defrosters/wipers are a necessity
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for most users, while padded gate guards have been developed for
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slalom racers. Members of the Jamaican winter Olympic team have been
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contracted to appear in television commercials touting these new
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laptop features.
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Meanwhile, the International Olympic Committee has taken steps to ban
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the use of laptops, GPS and other high-tech innovations during skiing
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competitions at the Winter Olympics in 1994. {RAH}
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Software Acquisition Blues
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by Dave Bealer
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They call him Clipper! Clipper!
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Faster than lightning.
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No lowly C, is smarter than he.
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And we know Clipper,
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Lives in a world full of data,
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Most of it hosed up,
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Thanks to C. A. {RAH}
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Random Access Humor Page 3 February 1993
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Enlightening the Master
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by Greg Borek (1:261/1129@fidonet.org)
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It was at the top of the mountain that I finally found the Master.
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"Oh great Master, I have travelled very far to seek your sage
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counsel," I said.
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"What knowledge do you seek, my child?" he asked.
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"I have made this difficult journey to ask a difficult question:
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Should I make a career move?"
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"That depends on your gifts and what you now do. What is it you
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do presently, my child?".
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"Master, I am a computer programmer and frankly I am beginning
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to have my doubts whether I have chosen the best path for me."
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"What is a computer?", he asked.
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I was dumbfounded; I had not anticipated this. Of course I
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should have.
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"Master, I am truly sorry I have wasted your time. I also
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regret having made this journey for nothing."
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He looked surprised. "Whatever happened to '...The point of the
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journey is not to arrive, Anything can happen'? You have forgotten
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the words of Rush already."
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"Rush Limbaugh said that?"
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"No, no, the rock group Rush. There is another source of
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inspiration called Rush? It is obvious much has changed while I have
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been here. However, it is of little consequence. You have not yet
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answered my question about the computer."
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"Well, Master, a computer is a useful device used to remember
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things", I said hesitantly.
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"Like a piece of paper?"
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"Yes, but it is very complicated. They can also reach
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conclusions based on the information that you feed them".
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"Oh, more like a clever chipmunk. How does one construct one of
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these wondrous chipmunk machines? Of what kind of wood?"
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"Actually, Master, I do not know how to construct one, but they
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are based on sand and metal. My job has been to feed this computer a
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series of instructions as specified by some people called 'users'."
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"Ah, this is the 'programming' of which you spoke?"
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"Yes, Master. I reduce complicated real world problems into a
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set of instructions that a computer can understand."
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"By this programming, do you mean speaking these instructions
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into the machine and having it execute them?"
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"No, Master. Computers are more primitive than that. You must
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form your instructions in a way the computer can understand. This is
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a cerebral, sedentary, and difficult process that requires much
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thought and consideration."
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"Why, my child?"
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"Well, the computer can only understand in a very limited way,
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and one must be careful or you will create bugs."
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"These computers create insects if your encryption is ambiguous
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or not accurate?"
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"No, Master, a bug is not an insect at all; it is a usually
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harmful unintended side effect of your code."
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Random Access Humor Page 4 February 1993
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"To make yourselves more important you make this process more
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difficult by writing the instructions in code. Very interesting. I
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can't say that it is very clever though. This approach probably
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wastes more time for you than it impresses the users. No wonder this
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'programming' is a time consuming process."
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"The instructions are not meant to be encrypted. The
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instructions are standardized so that different people can work on
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the same program."
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"So you must often interpret another programmer's encrypted
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private communications with this wondrous machine."
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"Master, it is almost universally the case that the previous
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programmer did not have something we call a 'clue'. Either he used
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the position to try to learn how to program, did not know what the
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users wanted, or what the users wanted changed while he was working.
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In any event he got while the gettin' was good."
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"I see. Besides other programmers you consider inferior to
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yourself, it seems to me that you are vaguely dissatisfied with your
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users. Tell me, why you have come to see me?"
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"Well, the programming part is fine and if I was left to do only
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that, I would be quite happy to create programs and do battle with
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the bugs. Master, the users are just so darn distracting."
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"But do not these users provide you with your very reason for
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creating your programs?"
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"Well, yes, but they are not the least bit appreciative or
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understanding of what goes into programming. They do wild,
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unanticipated things with the program you give them and expect sense
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from the program's response. They are often vague about how they
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want the information manipulated, but now that I think about it that
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probably comes from not knowing at the start what information would
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be available after the program is running."
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"A sound conclusion, my child. I get the impression that these
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users could program the computer themselves if they wanted to, but
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are only critical of your work to improve your abilities."
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"Users program? Good Lord, no. Most of them wouldn't know
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where to begin."
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"I see. So, you take a series of instructions, probably not all
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of your own creation, encrypt them, and if there are no insects in
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your encryption this clever chipmunk-like computer machine rearranges
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the information to suit the users who probably cannot duplicate or
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understand the intricacies of the process."
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"Yes, that's right, Master."
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He gazed off into the distance for a minute. He then said, "It
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seems to me that to a user that knew nothing substantial of this
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process, to him...it would be indistinguishable from magic. You are
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one of the wizards of your age."
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I left happy. {RAH}
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=================
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Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
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Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church,
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Virginia. He has previously been mistaken for a vampire.
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Random Access Humor Page 5 February 1993
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The Adver-Cow Cycle Strikes Again!
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by Dave Bealer
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I'm not sure what it is about cows, cycles and computer ads. In the
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January issue of a major PC industry magazine only seven pages of the
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first forty were without advertising. Two pages of the seven were
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accounted for by the table of contents, one page was the masthead and
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two pages contained letters from readers. This left only two pages
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for information actually written by the staff of the magazine...not
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||
necessarily a bad thing in itself.
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Thirty-three pages of ads - several of them glossy pages with fold-
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outs, pushing the actual number of ad pages up to thirty-nine. So
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what are all these pages of advertising being used to sell? At first
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it seemed I had accidentally picked up a copy of CYCLING TODAY, since
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two ads featured bicycles and one featured motorcycles. Despite the
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strange props, these ads did seem aimed at selling computer hardware
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or software.
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Then I saw the cow. Steer, actually. Longhorn steer to be precise.
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Why was I looking at a longhorn steer? A steer proclaimed to be a
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"New Breed?" I *had* heard of longhorn steers before. Maybe this
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"new breed" of longhorn steer comes with a built-in SCSI interface?
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I turned the glossy fold-out page to find out more...
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And saw the cow. This one really was a cow. OK, this has to be a
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Gateway 2000 ad, right? Wrong. Across the bottom of the page was
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the name of a Korean automobile manufacturer. I didn't know they
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made cows in Korea. What's more, why are our tax dollars being used
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to pay American dairy farmers not to produce milk while we import
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cows from Korea? Unfolding one more layer of the glossy fold-out
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revealed that this really was an ad for computer hardware.
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So a Korean automobile manufacturer sells computers "designed and
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built in America." I've seen this syndrome before. A few years back
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I owned a VCR and an automobile made by the same Japanese mega-corp.
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I have long suspected that these two items were built on the same
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assembly line. The same broken assembly line.
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These conglomerations make for some interesting possibilities. You
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could very easily have a Korean car with a built-in 486DX/2-66 as a
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trip computer. Just think of it - running Automap right from the
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dashboard. You could run an ethernet connection to the back seat and
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let the kids play games during those long drives over the river and
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through the woods to grandmother's house.
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Of course Grandmother's house comes equipped with a Clapper (tm)
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these days. That way in case grandma falls down and can't get up, at
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least she can clap the lamp off and on, sending Morse code signals to
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the neighbors. {RAH}
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Sound Byte:
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One man's art is another man's toilet paper...
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Please don't squeeze the Rembrandts!
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Random Access Humor Page 6 February 1993
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Grunged Glossary
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by Dave Bealer
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This time the Grunged Glossary takes a look at Graphics systems:
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Crayola Graphics Assortment (CGA)
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- Allows users to share and trade colors to fit the current
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application. CGA is one of the most portable graphics formats.
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Etching Graphics Approach (EGA)
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- Modern day variation of the old technique for luring the girl
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back to your place - or getting your face slapped.
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Vegetarian Graphics Approval (VGA)
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- A nonviolent, non-exploitative, politically correct system for
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displaying graphics. Especially popular for displaying still-
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lifes.
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X-rated Graphics Arrest (XGA)
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- Although frowned upon sharply by the open minded controllers of
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other people's tastes, this graphics format remains popular.
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XGA can sometimes involve a great deal of swapping. {RAH}
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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A Coke and a File
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by Dave Bealer
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Carnegie-Mellon University (CMU) once had (and still may have) a Coke
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machine attached to the Internet. It was one of those ancient
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machines that still uses actual bottles, which was kept filled by the
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computer center student staff. If you 'finger'ed it, (ie issued a
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command normally used to see who's logged into a UNIX machine) it
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told you if any of the 'categories' were empty, and the last time the
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machine had been filled. That way, if it was out of your flavor, or
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had just been filled (and the soda was therefore warm), you wouldn't
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||
have to give up your terminal for nothing. Those who doubt the
|
||
veracity of this tale should note that sometime RAH contributor and
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ace programmer Greg Borek is a CMU alumnus. This gives you some idea
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of how CMU came by its reputation for having weird students. {RAH}
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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RUNE'S RAG
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||
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What is it, you may well ask. It is the Best Electronic Magazine to
|
||
come down the ether pike since RAH broke into the bit stream. There
|
||
is something for every one in Rune's Rag.
|
||
|
||
We are show-casing some of the best new authors in North America.
|
||
There are as many different styles and genres as there are readers
|
||
(human readers, that is). If you enjoy: Horror, Political, Earthy,
|
||
Poetry, Science Fiction, Macabre, Satire, Whatnots and more, you will
|
||
enjoy Rune's Rag.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 7 February 1993
|
||
|
||
Some authors represented in the February issue will be: Willard,
|
||
Christianson, Woodward, Fieler, Francis and more. There is a short
|
||
bio posted with each authors work so you may learn more about them.
|
||
You will find the stories by these authors comparable to what you
|
||
would expect from paper magazines. Save a Tree -- read an electronic
|
||
magazine.
|
||
|
||
Rune's Rag may be FREQ'd as RUNE for the current issue. For those of
|
||
you interested in contributing to the e-magazine see the end of the
|
||
current issue, for guidelines. WRITERS BIZ BBS is the home of this
|
||
electronic magazine, (314) 774-5327 (data). If you are into
|
||
antiquated methodologies, you can contact us by US Mail: PO Box 472,
|
||
Waynesville, MO 65583. We can provide a printed copy of the Rag via
|
||
mail for a paltry $10 each (on printer paper). If you like what you
|
||
read in the Rag -- look for those author's works to appear in a book
|
||
store near you and support them with a purchase. They will be glad
|
||
you did and so will you.
|
||
|
||
You can FREQ RUNE from 1:284/201 and other Great BBS's around the
|
||
nation -- like The Puffins Nest 1:261/1139. The magazine is done in
|
||
pure ASCII format so is compatible with most platforms. An Ansi
|
||
version is also available in READROOM Door format. This version is
|
||
FREQ'd as RUNER for the latest issue. Back issues are available as
|
||
RUNEmmyy.zip, for READROOM versions it is RUNEyymm.zip. RUNE'S RAG
|
||
is distributed in the Shareware concept. Enjoy! Support the Arts
|
||
and the Shareware concept.
|
||
|
||
Rick Arnold
|
||
Editor, RUNE'S Rag {RAH}
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
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Attention Electronic Publishers!
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor (RAH), the online world's leading monthly
|
||
electronic humor magazine, is now seeking humorous electronic books
|
||
for review. Non-computer related humor books will be considered.
|
||
|
||
The review of your book will appear in the fastest growing online
|
||
humor periodical in North America. A few issues have even made it
|
||
across "the pond" to Europe. The review will include complete
|
||
contact/ordering information, if provided with the review copy.
|
||
|
||
RAH supports the shareware concept and will make all submitted
|
||
shareware books available for download from The Puffin's Nest (TPN),
|
||
the RAH Headquarters BBS. This includes books not actually selected
|
||
for review in RAH.
|
||
|
||
How to Submit Review Copies:
|
||
|
||
Review copies *must* be submitted in electronic format. Hypertext
|
||
or other executable formats must be compatible with MS-DOS and/or
|
||
MS-Windows. If your book needs a reader, include a copy of it (the
|
||
DOS/Windows restrictions also apply to readers). Plain ASCII text is
|
||
acceptable, provided the filename is MS-DOS compatible.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 8 February 1993
|
||
|
||
If you run a Fido-technology mailer, you can simply file-attach your
|
||
submission to a netmail message to Dave Bealer at one of the
|
||
following addresses:
|
||
|
||
FidoNet> 1:261/1129
|
||
SailNet> 53:5000/1129
|
||
CinemaNet> 68:1410/101
|
||
|
||
You may also upload your review submission to The Puffin's Nest BBS,
|
||
(410) 437-3463, 1200-14400 bps (V.32bis). Be sure to leave a logoff
|
||
message to Dave Bealer letting him know this is a submission for
|
||
review in RAH.
|
||
|
||
Otherwise you can send your submission on a 5.25" or 3.5" diskette
|
||
(MS-DOS format, any density), to the following address:
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor
|
||
P.O. Box 595
|
||
Pasadena, MD. 21122
|
||
|
||
If you expect any kind of reply, make sure to include an electronic
|
||
return address (on FidoNet or the Internet) with your submission.
|
||
If you want your $0.50 diskette back, be sure to include a postage
|
||
prepaid, self addressed return mailer. Surely a bargain.
|
||
|
||
Send us your humorous e-books today! {RAH}
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
Help Wanted
|
||
|
||
Investigative Reporter needed for the staff of Random Access Humor.
|
||
Experience in technical reporting and ability to follow orders
|
||
required. Ability to work well with hamsters preferred. Salary
|
||
Negotiable.
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
1993 Random Access Humor (RAH) Reader Survey
|
||
|
||
Please answer all questions completely and accurately. Please
|
||
complete and return this survey after reading this issue of RAH,
|
||
even if it is no longer February 1993. The pattern in which we
|
||
receive survey responses can tell us things about RAH distribution.
|
||
|
||
Name _________________________________________ Age _________
|
||
|
||
Place of Residence: City _________________________
|
||
|
||
State/Prov ______ Country ______ (Full address not necessary)
|
||
|
||
Where did you get this copy of RAH? _____ Friend
|
||
|
||
_____ BBS Name of BBS ______________________________________
|
||
|
||
BBS Primary Access Phone (____) ____-______ # BBS Lines: ________
|
||
|
||
BBS Location: City __________________ State/Prov _____ Country _____
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 9 February 1993
|
||
|
||
Does this BBS offer RAH for online reading? (Y/N) ____________
|
||
|
||
Are you the Sysop of this BBS? (Y/N) __________
|
||
|
||
How many RAH issues are available for download from this BBS? ________
|
||
|
||
How many BBSs in your area carry RAH? ___________
|
||
|
||
When did you make your first call to a BBS? (Month/Year) ____________
|
||
|
||
RAH Content:
|
||
|
||
RAH is currently focused on publishing only humor related to
|
||
computers and BBS/Online systems. Would you like to see
|
||
non-computer/BBS specific humor in RAH? If so, what types?
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
Would you object to seeing classified advertising in future
|
||
issues of RAH?
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
What do you like best about RAH?
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
Is there anything you'd really like to see in future RAH issues?
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
Please submit this survey form electronically, if possible, to:
|
||
|
||
via FidoNet: Dave Bealer @ 1:261/1129
|
||
|
||
via Internet: Dave_Bealer@f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org
|
||
(or dave.bealer, depending on your system's requirements)
|
||
|
||
You can also print the SURVEY file included in the February RAH
|
||
archive file and snail-mail it to:
|
||
|
||
RAH Survey 1993
|
||
Random Access Humor
|
||
P.O. Box 595
|
||
Pasadena, MD. 21122
|
||
|
||
Thank you for helping make RAH a better magazine. {RAH}
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 10 February 1993
|
||
|
||
--- Taglines Seen Around the Nets
|
||
|
||
He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.
|
||
|
||
ROM wasn't built in a day.
|
||
|
||
But soft, what bird through yonder window breaks?
|
||
|
||
A procrastinator's work is never done.
|
||
|
||
Welcome to Westworld, where nothing can go wornggg...
|
||
|
||
Never judge a book by its movie.
|
||
|
||
"Captain, why not just give the Borg Windows 3.1?" - Worf
|
||
|
||
"Captain, I sense a million minds staring at my cleavage."
|
||
|
||
Call me Ishmael. I won't ANSWER, but...
|
||
|
||
My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
|
||
|
||
Error opening CLINTON.LIE Cannot recover COUNTRY.USA
|
||
|
||
Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.
|
||
|
||
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.
|
||
|
||
If you save the world too often, it begins to expect it.
|
||
|
||
"My God, it's full of stores!" - 2001: A Shopping Odyssey
|
||
|
||
WWhhaatt ddooeess dduupplleexx mmeeaann??
|
||
|
||
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
|
||
|
||
AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.
|
||
|
||
Oh sure! But what's the speed of dark?
|
||
|
||
Move your vowels every day or you'll get consonated.
|
||
|
||
If puns are outlawed, only outlaws will have puns.
|
||
|
||
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
|
||
|
||
I used to jog, but the ice kept falling out of my glass.
|
||
|
||
I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.
|
||
|
||
Don't walk through the screen door, you might strain yourself.
|
||
|
||
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-1 February 1993
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Masthead:
|
||
|
||
Editor: Dave Bealer
|
||
|
||
Acting Deputy Assistant Editor: Scott White
|
||
|
||
Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS
|
||
FidoNet: 1:261/1129
|
||
Internet: f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org
|
||
BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-14400/V.32bis)
|
||
|
||
Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!)
|
||
Random Access Humor
|
||
c/o Dave Bealer
|
||
P.O. Box 595
|
||
Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor (RAH) is published monthly by Dave Bealer as a
|
||
disservice to the online community. Although the publisher's BBS may
|
||
be a part of one or more networks at any time, RAH is not affiliated
|
||
with any BBS network or online service. RAH is a compilation of
|
||
individual articles contributed by their authors. The contribution
|
||
of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the
|
||
authors. The opinions expressed in RAH are those of the authors and
|
||
are not necessarily those of the publisher.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor is Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer. All Rights
|
||
Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non-
|
||
commercial purposes only. Any system which charges hourly connect
|
||
fees is obviously commercial. Any system which charges more than $10
|
||
per month ($120/yr) for download privileges is considered to be a
|
||
commercial system for these purposes and may not distribute RAH. RAH
|
||
may not be distributed on diskette, CD-ROM or in hardcopy form for a
|
||
fee. For any other use, contact the publisher.
|
||
|
||
RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose
|
||
users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for
|
||
viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not
|
||
modified. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on
|
||
diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be distributed
|
||
in combination with any other publication or product.
|
||
|
||
Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of
|
||
their respective owners.
|
||
|
||
Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download
|
||
or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or
|
||
from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may
|
||
be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS.
|
||
|
||
Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions
|
||
must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail
|
||
message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail may also be sent via
|
||
Internet to: dave.bealer@f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-2 February 1993
|
||
|
||
Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article
|
||
submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain
|
||
ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where
|
||
artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory
|
||
extension. Your text should be less than 70 columns across for
|
||
widest readability. If your article does not conform to these simple
|
||
specs, it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative
|
||
names as RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly
|
||
minded contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file
|
||
names in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more
|
||
e-mail messages. It will not be possible to make private responses
|
||
to any submissions or correspondence received.
|
||
|
||
The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any
|
||
submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right
|
||
to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last
|
||
right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or
|
||
grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication,
|
||
so keep it (mostly) clean.
|
||
|
||
RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication:
|
||
1) Any material in the public domain.
|
||
2) Material for which you own the copyright. If you wrote it
|
||
yourself, you are automatically the copyright holder.
|
||
3) Authorized agents for a copyright holder (typically an
|
||
organization) may submit material on behalf of that holder.
|
||
|
||
In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to
|
||
anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the
|
||
message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material,
|
||
and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it
|
||
electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for
|
||
publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want
|
||
your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired
|
||
in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be
|
||
submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical
|
||
name, date of previous publication.
|
||
|
||
RAH Distribution System:
|
||
(Sites bearing the <contrib> designation will accept your
|
||
contributions and forward them to the editors.)
|
||
(All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense
|
||
of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.)
|
||
|
||
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer
|
||
FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
SailNet> 53:5000/1129 CinemaNet> 68:1410/101 <contrib>
|
||
Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH
|
||
Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR
|
||
Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHmmyy.ZIP
|
||
(RAH0992.ZIP for premiere issue)
|
||
Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHmmyyR.ZIP
|
||
(RAH0293R.ZIP and later only)
|
||
Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE
|
||
Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-3 February 1993
|
||
|
||
RAH Gateway Systems:
|
||
|
||
Wings and Wheels BBS Cheasapeake, VA. Sysop: Scott White
|
||
FidoNet> 1:275/6 (804) 424-0394 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
RaceNet> 73:2601/0 Flynet> 196:1130/2 CrossNet> 73:2601/0
|
||
InterSports> 103:1032/0 <contrib>
|
||
|
||
Pooh's Corner Fells Point, MD. Sysop: Mark Truelove
|
||
FidoNet> 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
RBBSnet> 8:936/206 FilNet> 33:410/0 CandyNet> 42:1031/1
|
||
<contrib>
|
||
|
||
The Depths of Hell Bayonne, NJ. Sysop: Eric Knorowski
|
||
FidoNet> 1:107/813 (201) 437-5706 14400 (HST)
|
||
FishNet> 21:102/101 CandyNet> 42:1011/1 ChateauNet> 100:5801/100
|
||
<contrib>
|
||
|
||
007LZ Southfield, MI. Sysop: Gary Groeller
|
||
FidoNet> 1:120/636 (313) 569-4454 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
W-Net_fts> 66:636/1 <mail only - no BBS>
|
||
|
||
The Edge of Sanity Dearborn, MI. Sysop: Tom Smith
|
||
FidoNet> 1:2410/279 (313) 584-1253 9600 (V.32)
|
||
SogNet> 91:7/4279
|
||
|
||
H*A*L Muskogee, OK. Sysop: Lloyd Hatley
|
||
FidoNet> 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
RFNet> 73:102/1 RANet> 72:918/21 LuvNet> 77:101/1
|
||
DoorNet> 75:7918/205 <contrib>
|
||
|
||
The Shop Mail Only Flushing, NY. Sysop: Steve Matzura
|
||
FidoNet> 1:2603/203 (718) 460-0201 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
ADAnet> 94:7180/1 JayNet> 17:99/100 WorldNet 62:4400/200
|
||
MusicNet.FTN> 88:8001/12 <mail only - no BBS)
|
||
|
||
WRITER'S BIZ BBS Waynesville, MO. Sysop: Rick Arnold
|
||
FidoNet> 1:284/201 (314) 774-5327 14400 (v.32bis)
|
||
RBBSnet> 8:921/705 <publication site of RUNE'S Rag>
|
||
|
||
Cyberdrome Philadelphia, PA. Sysop: Mike Taylor
|
||
FidoNet> 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
PodsNet> 93:9600/2 <contrib>
|
||
|
||
|
||
RAH Official Distribution Sites:
|
||
|
||
Automation Central San Jose, CA. Sysop: Radi Shourbaji
|
||
FidoNet> 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
|
||
Wit-Tech Baltimore, MD. Sysop: Doug Wittich
|
||
FidoNet> 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
|
||
Incredible BBS Burleson, TX. Sysop: Don Teague
|
||
FidoNet> 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 9600 (V.32)
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-4 February 1993
|
||
|
||
Milliways Pittsburgh, PA. Sysop: David Cole
|
||
FidoNet> 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 16800 (HST/Dual)
|
||
|
||
Supernova BBS Scotstown, Quebec Sysop: Ian Hall-Beyer
|
||
FidoNet> 1:257/40 (819) 657-4603 2400
|
||
|
||
Data Empire Fredericksburg, VA. Sysop: Richard Hellmer
|
||
FidoNet> 1:274/31 (703) 785-0422 9600 (HST)
|
||
<contrib>
|
||
|
||
Outside the Wall Baltimore, MD. Sysop: Rob Novak
|
||
FidoNet> 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 9600 (V.32)
|
||
|
||
CALnet @node.1 Detroit, MI Sysop: Gary Groeller
|
||
FidoNet> 1:2410/120 (313) 836-8275 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
<contrib>
|
||
|
||
Dragon's Cave Berkeley, CA. Sysop: Bruce Lane
|
||
FidoNet> 1:161/412 (510) 549-0311 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
|
||
The Software Station Saugus, CA. Sysop: Dan Martin
|
||
FidoNet> 1:102/1106 (805) 296-9056 9600 (V.32)
|
||
|
||
Marin County Net Sausalito, CA. Sysop: Ron Pellegrino
|
||
FidoNet> 1:125/55 (415) 331-6241 16800 (HST/Dual)
|
||
|
||
Digicom Evansville, IN. Sysop: Gary Barr
|
||
FidoNet> 1:2310/200 (812) 474-2263 9600 (HST)
|
||
BBS Line (812) 479-1310 14400 (HST/Dual)
|
||
|
||
High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas, NM. Sysop: Jerry Hargrove
|
||
FidoNet> 1:301/1 (505) 865-8385 9600 (V.32)
|
||
|
||
Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas, NM. Sysop: Paula Hargrove
|
||
FidoNet> 1:301/301 (505) 865-4082 9600 (HST)
|
||
|
||
The Software Cuisine Miami, FL. Sysop: Peter Hebert
|
||
FidoNet> 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
|
||
InfoMat BBS San Clemente, CA. Sysop: Michael Gibbs
|
||
Intelec> EXHIBITA (714) 492-8727 14400 (HST/Dual)
|
||
RaceNet> EXHIBITA MediaNet> EXHIBITA <home of Readroom BBS door>
|