informis
/
textfiles
1
0
Fork 0
Code Issues Pull Requests Packages Projects Releases Wiki Activity
textfiles/magazines/PURPS/purps49

1212 lines
56 KiB
Plaintext
Raw Permalink Blame History

***** ***** ***** *****
***** ***** ***** *****
************* ************* ************* *************
** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** **
********* ********* ********* *********
** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
***** ***** ***** *****
SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
####========================================================####
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 3, 49
####========================================================####
"Two years and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
still going strong"
* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
*** P P U U R R P P S
***** P P U U R R P P S
******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
********* P U U R R P S
*********** P U U R RR P S
***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
*****
*****
*****
*****
* **** *
*** *** ***
**** * *****
************************************
****************************************
************************************
**** ***** *****
*** ***** ***
* ***** *
*****
*****
*****
*****
*****
***********
*********
*******
*****
***
*
WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
Pope Jephe: jstevens@world.std.com
Doc Simpson: scott@plearn.bitnet
Subscriptions: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
Back issues ftp from quartz.rutgers.edu in /pub/journals/purps
####===================================================================####
INTRO
####===================================================================####
As usual, we're late. As usual, I'm not satisfied with the job I did here,
but it will have to do. As usual, we've been having a ton of new members
join up and who no doubt could use enlightenment.
I don't really mean to sound negative, honest. My car is just dead again.
It's becoming a regular pox on my life. Oh well. I have a sink full of
dishes wash too. Still, I suppose, we all have our greased yaks to ride
hither and yon.
Hopefully, this issue will amuse and inspire you. Hopefully, I can get my
act together finally and get purps out a bit more regularly.. etc and so
on..
Anyway, one job that needs to be done is getting Purps some sort of OTIS
fact file. The masses are demanding a document of this sort be written. The
Church Elders due to being involved in projects of their own, like Books
and digs to pre-iron age lake side villages in Poland haven't been able to
attend to this.
If there is a kind soul out there who'd like to try their hand at writing
an OTIS fact file I'm sure the Pope, I, and Doc Simpson could point you in
the right direction. So if OTIS inspires any of you give HailOtis a yell
and we'll get the ball rolling.
One final note, the semester is coming to an end and what not in a bit. If
you are going away for the summer and your account is being shut down
could you please give HailOtis a yell so we don't end up with a mailbox
full of bounce notices. And remember next semester HailOtis will still be
here. It will be starting into it's 4th year by the fall.
[One final note which may or may not mean much. The wheels of progress are
finally turning and we may end up with a unix box here which hopefully will
mean some interesting improvements to Purps and OTIS in general. Probably
nothing will come of this until the summer, but watch for announcements.]
===========================================================================
Date: 10 Jan 93 17:17:28 EST
From: Rodney Eric Griffith <71163.1600@CompuServe.COM>
Declaration of Resentment
The Antisocialist Party
I. There are Nazis in this world: politicians all, fundamentalcase
religions, racists and heritage brokers of all descent, separatists without
individuality. We resent having to deal with these insipid, dangerous
jerks. We resent having to resort to getting shot, infected with deadly
diseases, and having our lives and lifestyles preempted and cramped by your
obscene celebration of ignorance and mediocrity.
II. "Racial purity" is a contradiction in terms. Race is fraction -
and infraction. Circumstance is thicker than blood. Service to racial
causes causes racial servitude.
III. All history is revisionist. Be here NOW or go away altogether.
Latter-day Lindburg Babies will have their petty AntiSemetic bluffs called;
we don't care who your parents were! Emancipate yourself. Perspective is a
dangerous gift - why else do you think they want to steal it? Afrocentrism?
Egocentrism. Claims to be "descendants of Kings & Queens" sounds more like
Dukes (dupes)...
IV. "Culture" is impossible to "steal" - there is no culture worth
having that is not community property. "Societies" don't innovate;
individuals do. Societies are lifeless 'bodies' guilty of theft of
intellectual properties and suppression and censorship. Class without
style is nothing to be proud of.
V. Sexuality isn't sexism; antisexuality is. Eroticism doesn't
"objectify"; the play's the thing.
VI. JIHAD: the only definition, the only "holy war" is resistance
against those who believe in "holy war". Groups of more than 7 or so are
inherently corrupt.
"Don't follow leaders/watch yer parking meters." - Dylan, "Subterranean
Homesick Blues"
Beauty is in the eye of the needle
===========================================================================
Tranquilizer-Laced Nipples
===========================================================================
[Why does CNN go on and on about the South Florida tourist hazards when
they don't cover important things like this?]
From: LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET
From: rjwill6@pbsdts.sdcrc.pacbell.com (Rod Williams)
Subject: "Nipple-Sucking Tourists Robbed"
Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1992 22:27:52 GMT
Lines: 36
A Reuters story in yesterday's (12/29/92) San Francisco Examiner, reprinted
without permission...
---------------------------------------------------
BANGKOK -- A gang of transvestites has been robbing tourists after enticing
them to suck their tranquilizer-laced nipples, police said Tuesday.
Police arrested four Bangkok transvestites and a woman Sunday after
complaints were received from a Syrian and a Hong Kong man.
The Syrian said he was robbed of a Rolex watch and more than $4,000 in
cash, police said.
The transvestites' breasts were smeared with tranquilizers to put the
unwitting victims to sleep, a police spokesman said.
Drugging drinks is a favorite tactic for gangs preying on tourists.
"But many of our customers did not drink, so we would get them to suck our
drug-laced nipples," transvestite Somboom Wannasut was quoted by the Nation
newspaper as saying.
A standby tactic used by the gang was to feed the customers laced
chocolates, police said.
===========================================================================
Voodoo Tale
===========================================================================
Subject: Prolonged erection victim
Date: 30 Dec 92 22:16:00 GMT
From: an3360@anon.penet.fi
Having read the article posted here about tranquilized nipples being used
to rob visitors to Bangkok, I thought I would post a similarly offbeam,
almost gleeful voodoo tale from the Star, a Ugandan daily newspaper, dated
27 August 1992. I don't live in Uganda (and if I did I almost certainly
couldn't post to usenet news - but hey I live in Europe and I still can't
do so directly); this was faxed to a friend of mine.
PROLONGED ERECTION VICTIM HAS DIED
Erizefani Mugoya, the unfortunate man who has been going through untold
agony following an abnormally prolonged erection of his penis for the last
two weeks, has finally passed away after being hospitalised at Kamuli
hospital during the course of his ordeal.
Sources from Kamuli told the Star yesterday that Mugoya, who was last heard
of to be semi-conscious and suspended on drip, by courtesy of his stubbornly
stiff painful organ, died after an episode of two weeks' misery.
Mugoya's death struck at a crucial moment when his relatives were also
reportedly engaged in serious negotiation with one John Mutyabule, the
husband of the wife with whom the deceased fornicated before his genital
became unbearably stiff.
Mutyabule of Bukholi in Iganga had previously demanded a ransom fee before
he could uncast the charm he had put on Mugoya. (stuff deleted) Doctors
are said to have gone ahead and operated on their rare patient. Sadly Mugoya
never recovered from the surgery, confirming Mutyabule's threat not to involve
Western medicine in this traditional debacle (sic?).
Mugoya, a lively middle-aged man from Buwenge, 17 miles from Jinja ventured
to Bukholi from where he eloped with Mutyabule's wife...After fraternising on
that fateful night, Mugoya was alarmed when his penis challengingly remained
erect in spite of the man's exhaustion.
As matters grew worse, Mugoya was rushed to hospital after his lover had
failed to alleviate the problem with soothing warm water. He was admitted
at Kamuli where doctors prescribed injection after injection in an attempt
to calm the dangerous-looking organ but to no avail.
(stuff deleted)
The ransom was too much for his relatives...By the time of his operation
Mugoya had lost consciousness and he never recovered from the surgery
===========================================================================
News of the Weird
===========================================================================
Date: Tue, 19 Jan 93 20:36:09 PST
From: Chuck Shepherd <cshepherd@igc.apc.org>
WEIRDNUZ.260 (News of the Weird, January 29, 1993)
by Chuck Shepherd
Lead Story
* In December, Archie Johnston, 18, became the youngest person ever to head
a Ku Klux Klan group when he took over as imperial wizard of the
Independent Knights of the KKK in Orlando, Fla. He says his dad "is
totally against it" but that his mom "trusts" him to do a good job. [St.
Petersburg Times, 12-15-92]
The Continuing Crisis
* In November, a St. Louis judge accepted a guilty plea from rock star Axl
Rose to settle assault and property damage charges, permitting Rose an
unusual privilege for a convicted criminal: He would not be totally
forbidden from associating with ex-felons. That provision was important to
Rose because two of the members of his Guns N' Roses band are ex-felons.
[St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 11-10-92]
* In July, three trained dolphins escaped from their performing pen at an
exclusive resort in Key Largo, Fla., and swam away. They were found
several days later in a lagoon by a golf course on Key Biscayne, Fla.,
where, on their own, they showed up at 10 a.m., 2 p.m., and 4 p.m. (the
same times as the Key Largo shows), and performed tricks, apparently hoping
to be fed. [Baltimore Sun, 7-29-92]
* Police in Portland, Maine, told the Associated Press in December that
they have been unable to catch the person who has defaced about 2,000 cars
in the city over the last ten years by spraying them with acid. A city
crime analyst, noting that most vandals escalate their attacks rather than
stick with the same method, wondered, "How could anyone do this for a
decade and not get bored?" [New York Times-AP, 12-6-92]
* The Akron (Ohio) Beacon Journal reported in November that Michele Straka
was released from a local alcohol treatment center, thus becoming what is
believed to be the nation's youngest such graduate. Michele, 11, told a
reporter, "I was into some pretty heavy stuff." [Athens Messenger-AP, 11-
30-92]
* In October, Switzerland apologized to Liechtenstein for its army's
invasion of the country a few days earlier. Swiss army recruits on
maneuvers asked a resident near the town of Triesenberg if they could set
up an observation post in her garage, but later discovered that Triesenberg
is just outside Swiss territory. The woman alerted local police, who asked
the soldiers to move on. [Los Angeles Times-Reuters, 10-18-92]
* Recently, parents of a Colorado teenager announced they would sue the
local school system for failing to alert them that their son's creative
writing papers revealed his emotional problems. In one example cited by
the Denver Post, the boy wrote a story about a man's vicious torture of a
woman, concluding that now the man "was in control" and "had the power."
However, the teacher merely marked the paper "C-minus," commenting, "No
focus! . . . (You're missing the point of this.)" Shortly after he
submitted the paper, the boy sexually assaulted two stepbrothers. [Denver
Post, Nov92]
* Mr. M. K. O. Abiola, chief of Nigeria's Yoruba tribe, answering a divorce
lawsuit in a New York City courtroom in June, denied a woman's claim that
she was one of his 26 wives. He contended that he had only four wives but
said she was one of his 18 concubines. The woman is represented by palimony
lawyer Marvin Mitchelson. [Chicago Tribune, Jun92]
* In Omaha, Lela Schaecher gave birth to a girl on November 20, the same
day on which her twin sister, Lisa, also gave birth to a girl. Lisa has
the same last name as Lela because both women married men named Schaecher,
who are first cousins. [St. Louis Post-Dispatch-AP, 11-27-92]
* Joseph W. Charles, 82, retired in October from his "job" as the Waving
Man in Berkeley, Calif. He stationed himself in his front yard daily
during morning rush hour for the last 30 years and waved to motorists.
[Akron Beacon Journal-AP, 10-8-92]
* The Legal Aid Society of Santa Clara County, Calif., charged in October
that the man who has portrayed Koo-Koo the Klown ["Kiddies' Favorite
Entertainer"] at birthday parties in the area for nearly 30 years routinely
violates state law at the apartment complex he owns by not renting to
tenants with children. [San Jose Mercury News, Oct92]
* Pacific News Service reported in June that female temperance patrols in
India's northeast state of Manipur have been successful in curtailing
males' drinking problems, which, they say, lead to wife-beating and
unemployment. The patrols destroy local stills and then capture men who
were drinking, tie them naked to a donkey, and parade them through the
local villages, where they are encouraged to promise never to drink again.
The patrol now has 30,000 female members. [Pacific News Service-Washington
Post, 6-12-92]
The Weirdo-American Community
* University of California at Berkeley "environmental psychologist" Clare
Cooper Marcus recently started a counseling service for people having
difficult relationships with their houses. For $100, she will spend an
hour conducting role-playing sessions between the client and his or her
house. Dr. Marcus says that having the client voice anxieties to the
house, and having the house respond, usually begins relieving the client's
stress within the first hour. [Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Dec92]
Least Competent People
* In December near Mineral Wells, Tex., three men who were attempting to
steal copper wire off live electrical lines for resale were electrocuted.
Copper wiring is a valuable scrap metal in Texas but is usually stolen from
electric cables that are not being used. [Fort Worth Star-Telegram, 1-1-93]
Inexplicable
* At least 18 people were arrested around Manila in the Philippines on
December 27 for deflating automobile tires for religious reasons.
Followers of "The Reserved Manpower Of The Good Wisdom For All Nations"
religion said it was "God's order" to let out air. Said one, "Air is from
God. This is the solution to the crisis in our country." [Huntsville
Times-AP, 12-28-92]
===========================================================================
Advertisement
===========================================================================
Date: Sun, 21 Mar 93 17:15:36 CST
From: Reverend John <UC521832@MIZZOU1.missouri.edu>
"Hey Bill what's that funny-lookin' book on your coffee table?"
Carol drew a sharp breath and looked at Bill guardedly.
"Uh, nothin' Bob. Just some toilet plunger catalog."
"Oh, okay. Well, I gotta go, see you folks later."
<SLAM>
"Oh Bill, that was close! If he'd known what that book really was.."
"Shush, Carol. Don't worry--Bob hasn't got a clue. OTIS is watching."
WHAT IS THAT BOOK?
IT'S THE BOOK THAT THE WHOLE COUNTRY IS TALKING ABOUT!
IT'S LOVELY!
IT'S DIVINE! (really!)
IT'S SPLENDIFEROUS!
IT'S.....
B Y T H E B A L L S O F B R O W !
Strange publication from another planet, BTBOB! fights a never-ending
battle for truth, justice and the OTISian way!
WHAT IS IT?
Bill and Carol know. Bob doesn't. (Or is that "Bob"?) Do you?
BY THE BALLS OF BROW! is a compilation of the early issues of PURPS,
The Purple Thunderbolt Of Spode, the very publication you are
reading RIGHT NOW. The first book printed in CinemaScope! Articles,
visions, dreams, alien contacts, and more INNER CIRCLE OTISIAN WISDOM
than you can shake a pipe at.
THRILL to the revelations of Elvis.
SCREAM at the creation of the universe.
CACKLE at the exploits of SOAP, OTISian god(ess) of Bureaucracy.
Unless you've already read it, you've never seen anything like it.
Available by mail -- SNAIL mail, that is -- for $4 postpaid.
Send check or money order to:
Pagan Publishing
403A N. 8th St.
Columbia, MO 65201
"Say Bill, I'm in the market for a toilet plunger. Can I take a gander
at that catalog of yours?"
"Why sure, Bob." <snicker>
"EEEAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
===========================================================================
Stupid Library Questions
===========================================================================
Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1993 16:15 HKT
From: "Ed Spodick, HKUST Library, x6743" <LBSPODIC@usthk.ust.hk>
Subject: unusual, but not stupid (or so they say) :)
From: _The Whole Earth Handbook_, compiled by George M. Eberhart (Chicago:
American Library Association, c1991), p.474
selections from _Unusual maybe, but never stupid_
For a column celebrating National Library Week, Detroit _Free Press_
columnist Robin Abcarian quizzed some Detroit librarians on "stupid"
questions they'd been asked.
[...]
"Do you have a photo of the ozone?"
"How many drops of water are there in a boxcar?"
"Did Elvis die in the toilet?"
"How many toilets are there in Moscow?"
"Can I paint the inside of my birdcage?"
"Did the Soviet cosmonauts see angels?"
[...]
"Do you have any sound effects records with real dinosaurs on them?"
"Do you have records of Shakespeare reading his own poetry?"
"Do you have a record of Dristan and Isolde?"
"How much did Beethoven's first music lesson cost?" The answer: 15 ducats
[...]
Source: _American Libraries_, November 1989, p.950.
===========================================================================
Dangerous Household Chemicals
===========================================================================
Date: Tue, 19 Jan 93 20:48:48 -0500
From: buglady@silver.lcs.mit.edu (Aliza R. Panitz)
Subject: More Household Chemicals to Beware Of...
Posting by dragon@eleazar.dartmouth.edu (Sam Conway) in sci.chem:
I am growing weary of seeing chemicals with warning labels that imply that
I shall die a horrible death simply by looking at the contents. A warning
label should inform me of any *REAL* hazards, and of the precautions I
should take when handling the reagent, and should not serve only to cover
the manufacturer's derriere should some lawyer-happy numbskull decide to
bathe in the product.
A case in point from Fisher Scientific:
CAUTION: May be harmful if inhaled. May cause irritation. Inhalation may
produce irritation, coughing and acute pneumoconiosis from overwhelming
exposure to dust. May cause a rapidly-developing pulmonary insufficiency,
labored breathing, tachypnea and cyanosis followed by cor pulmonale and a
short survival time. More frequently, after 10-25 years exposure, labored
breathing, dry cough, chest pain, decreased vital capacity and diminished
chest expansion may occur and progress to marked fatigue, extreme labored
breathing and cyanosis, anorexia, cough with stringy mucous, pleuratic pain
and incapacity to work. Death may result from cardiac failure or
destruction of lung tissue with resulting anoxia. Has caused tumorigenic
effects in laboratory animals. Skin contact may cause irritation and
dermatitis. Eye contact may cause redness, irritation, and conjunctivitis.
TARGET ORGANS AFFECTED: Eyes, skin, and mucous membranes. Provide local
exhaust ventilation and/or general dilution ventilation to meet published
limits.
FIRST AID -- INHALATION. Remove from exposure area to fresh air
immediately. If breathing has stopped, perform artificial respiration.
Keep person warm and at rest. Get medical attention immediately. SKIN:
Remove contaminated clothing and shoes immediately. Wash affected area
with soap or mild detergent and large amounts of water (approximately 15-20
minutes). Get medical attention. EYES: Wash eyes immediately with large
amounts of water, occasionally lifting upper and lower lids (approximately
15-20 minutes). Get medical attention.
Yes indeed, all of this fits right on the bottle. And just what is
this hazardous product?
"SEA SAND, washed"
God help me, I'll never go to the beach again!
===========================================================================
Adventures in Pakistan
===========================================================================
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 93 08:39:15 MST
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
Subject: Fun in Pakistan
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Wed, 20 Jan 93 18:23 PST
From: Julian Macassey <julian@bongo.tele.com>
To: awerling@nmsu.edu
Subject: For Junk List
Public Health in Pakistan
Returning from Afghanistan I entered Pakistan via the border town of
Wanna. This is a town in what is known as "Tribal Territory". The
tribal areas are areas where the Pakistan authorities have no
jurisdiction and affairs are run by the local Pathans. Most of the
Afghan border area in the North West Frontier is tribal territory.
I had a rather bad case of dysentery, and the locals manning an ad
hoc road block who kept leaning over me with their Kalishnikovs
seemed to think it would be a good idea if I saw a doctor. The Pathans
once they have decided you are not an enemy will do anything to protect
you. I was assigned a bodyguard from the group standing around and a
turbaned gentleman complete with automatic rifle and bandoleer slid in
beside me and popped a wad of tobacco in his cheek.
They knew that in the town there was an ICRC (International Committee
of the Red Cross) hospital that took care of war damaged Afghans so
we drove there. The Afghan guard at the hospital explained that it was
a surgical unit only and suggested we go to the "Civil Hospital" in town.
No one seemed to know where this hospital was. We drove around and
eventually found a driveway that said "Diarrhea Treatment Unit". We drove
in. The place was in darkness, but we pulled up outside a door that said
"Emergency Treatment Unit". There was an armed guard sitting next to his
Lee Enfield. He opened the door and turned on the lights.
I was shown a bed to lie on while the guard went to fetch the
doctor. The bed had recently been vomited on. It had only a mattress on
it. The room was lit with a single tired forty Watt fluorescent light.
The tube was black with flies. The concrete floor was covered with
discarded drug cartons, to keep the flies down, three frogs were
hopping between the cartons gobbling flies.
Before the doctor arrived, various people, some armed with
Kalishnikovs, came in and looked at me. The doctor finally arrived
and I was moved to another room and laid on the examination table.
This room had its own frogs hopping around on the floor. The doctor asked
what the problem was and did all the temperature and blood pressure
things. His immediate diagnosis was malaria. When I questioned him about
this he said that eighty percent of admissions were malaria.
The doctor wrote a prescription and someone was dispatched to the
local pharmacy. There was some concern that I had not eaten for three
days and I was asked what I wanted to eat. I compromised and agreed
to eat plain boiled rice. One of the nurses went home to cook the rice.
All the nurses were men.
The staff whiled away the time by taking turns on the prayer mat in
the corner of the examination room. The runner returned from the
pharmacy and the doctor set up a disposable glucose drip. After some
rummaging through a drawer of old fashioned syringes a disposable IV
needle was located. The doctor opened the hanger loop with his teeth
and I was set up. A disposable syringe and needle was also found after
much chatter and an antibiotic and analgesic were injected into the
drip bag. I was left alone with the drip.
After a while the nurse arrived with the rice and a spoon. The rice
was not fully cooked, the last thing I felt like doing was eating. The
only thing I could possibly eat was rice. I ate some of the rice. The
Pathans have the same ideas of hospitality as the Bedouins. This means
if they offer you something, you accept it.
As I was sitting unsteadily on the edge of the bed chewing the rice
people started drifting in and out again to view the "foreigner". They
don't get many tourists in places like Wanna. A few of the curious
onlookers had AK-47s casually slung across their shoulders. One of the
visitors was an earnest looking young man who came up to me and asked if I
was a Christian. I was the most Christian person I had met for a few
weeks and certainly wasn't a Moslem, so I said yes. He excitedly told
me he was a Christian.
The young man was a Punjabi, and said he was one of twenty eight
families of Christians in the Wanna area. He told me he worked in the
hospital and taught the doctors English. He said he was very excited to
meet another Christian, he had the fervor of a young fundamentalist.
Apparently the word was all over town that there was an American in the
hospital. It seems that small town Pakistan was like a small town anywhere
else in the world. A stranger in town was a big event.
I ate all I could of the rice and was told I should spend the
night in the hospital. I asked to use the toilet and was shown a "hole
in the floor" flush toilet. There was no light and of course no toilet
paper. I had my own toilet paper, I left the door open for light.
I was escorted to the ward where the doctor wanted me to spend
the night. The ward was a relic of the British Empire. It was a long room
with a row of beds against each long wall. The beds were the old iron
hospital beds. On each bed was a mattress. There was no bedding. There
was no mosquito netting on the windows or doors. There were three
overhead fans for ventilation.
The ward was partly filled. The occupants were men and boys. The far
end of the ward was screened off. Behind the screen was a young boy and
his mother. The mother was wearing a burqa. The floor of the ward was
also littered with discarded drug packages. Under my bed was a discarded
disposable syringe and needle. For mosquito control, there were three
bats flying backwards and forwards. During the night one of the bats
failed to dodge the fan blades and expired against the blades with a
loud clatter. Bat bits were scattered across the room.
Just before dawn the call to the faithful was made by a nearby
muezzin. This started activity in the ward. Those that could started
their morning devotions. One of the praying faithful was the mother
at the far end of the ward. As dawn rose various visitors started
wandering into the ward. Most of the visitors were armed with
Kalishnikov's - the male jewelry of the Pathans. One of the young boys
got up and found the discarded disposable syringe under my bed. He
grabbed it and went back to his side of the ward where he and
another boy entertained themselves playing with their new toy.
My driver and guide arrived to pick me up and drive me back to
Peshawar. As I walked through the hospital grounds I saw a sign above a
door, it said: "Intensive Care Unit". Regretfully, I didn't peep in.
END
===========================================================================
An Otisian Alphabet and Catechism for Children
===========================================================================
[This is well worth memorizing to impress the non-OTISIAN. Also those with
small children may find this a much more fun way to teach the kiddies the
alphabet and OTIS at the same time. This is not the only OTIS for children
segment we've had. In a past issue we had some hymns and inspiring songs
for them. Let it never be said that we have ignored the young easy to mold
minds.]
Date: Thu, 15 Apr 93 18:29:31 CET
From: SCOTT%VM.plearn.edu.pl@plearn.edu.pl
An Otisian Alphabet and Catechism for Children
A is for Arani, the Consort of Otis.
B is for Brow who loves battle mostest.
C is for Creiza whom editors adore.
D is for Dogma which grows more and more.
E is for Elvis who knew when to chuck it.
F is for Fez which beats the Brown Bucket.
G is for Genkii, a state we'll attain.
H is for Heethor, all curvy, not plain.
I is for Ighef, an Otisian house.
J is for Jeffe whose truths we espouse.
K is for Kenyon, the dark Gates of Hell.
L is for Lotus, a nice guy who means well.
M is for Money that pleases our Pope.
N is for Naxos, white temples, green slopes.
O is for Otis, often he, sometimes she.
P is for Purps, electronic debauchery.
Q is for Quadrary, much better than decimal.
R is for Rhotos, whose Eye is quite terrible.
S is for Spode, who rode a mustachioed toad.
T is for Tim, preacher - a la mode.
U is for Uberlemmings, destined for death.
V is for Vooti with nasty bad breath.
W is for Walt Disney, frozen in ice.
X is for X-Suh, beamed up to paradise.
Y is for Yak, a bull of great worth.
Z is for Zakynthians, the scum of the earth.
===========================================================================
More News of the Weird
===========================================================================
Date: Mon, 1 Feb 93 19:27:31 MST
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
WEIRDNUZ.261 (News of the Weird, February 5, 1993)
by Chuck Shepherd
Lead Story
* Former U. S. diplomat Felix Bloch, the man suspected of espionage while
working at the U. S. Embassy in Vienna in 1989, was arrested in January and
charged with stealing $100 worth of groceries from a Harris Teeter grocery
store in Chapel Hill, N. C. After the State Department dismissed him,
Bloch embarked on a second career as a cashier and bagger at the store. Two
store employees said they saw Bloch cart unpaid-for groceries to his
Mercedes-Benz. [Durham Herald, 1-12- 93]
Government in Action
* In a recent Canadian government book offering tips to newly-arriving
immigrants, authors thought it necessary to give specific advice against
being late to school or work and against public displays of affection,
breast- feeding, urination, and defecation. [Edmonton Sun-CP, 11-22-92]
* When Long Island, N. Y., school superintendent Edward J. Murphy retired
on September 30, he earned severance pay of over $100,000 at a time of
severe financial troubles for New York schools. However, that was only the
beginning. Under the contract he had negotiated with the local school
board in 1985, Murphy was entitled to 90 days' paid vacation a year (the
normal is 15 to 20), plus paid sick leave--with the option of accumulating
it and cashing it in at a rate of $1,000 a day. His total severance
package came to more than $900,000. [New York Times, 12-9-92]
* Pre-Christmas-week paychecks were delayed for 2,600 Postal Service
employees in the Hampton Roads, Va., area. The checks had been mailed from
the Minneapolis check disbursing facility but were delayed "somewhere in
Virginia," according to postal officials. Because of the delay, employees
were unable to deposit the checks before the Christmas holiday. [Newport
News Daily Press, 1-1-93]
* U. S. Department of Agriculture meat inspector Roger W. "Pockets"
Halvorson, 56, was indicted in Minneapolis in January for stealing meat
several times from a company he was inspecting. According to prosecutors,
Halvorson, whose unique personal uniform has extra- large inside pockets,
was accused of loading up on prime rib during inspections, intending to
resell it. [New Haven Register-AP, 1-8-93]
Compelling Explanations
* Eric F. Murillo, charged with shooting his fourth wife to death in
Fayetteville, N. C., in July, said it was an accident. Murillo received
probation for the accidental shooting death of his first wife 21 years ago.
Wife number two supposedly committed suicide. Wife number three divorced
Murillo after he put a loaded .357 Magnum in her mouth and threatened to
kill her. Murillo acknowledged that the circumstances "look terrible" but
said he was just unlucky. [Philadelphia Inquirer-Boston Globe, 8-22-92]
* Vancouver, British Columbia, judge Jerome Paradis found David Alexander
Snow guilty of sexual assault in September but not guilty of the attempted
murder of his victim, a 53-year-old woman who had survived the Auschwitz
concentration camp as a child. Wrote Paradis, "I cannot conclude that the
placing of the wire around the neck of the victim and/or the placing of the
plastic over her head are sufficient to establish a specific intent to
kill." [North Bay Nugget-CP, 9-15-92]
* In November, the Vermont Supreme Court ordered to trial the
handicap-discrimination lawsuit by employee Mary Hodgdon against the Mount
Mansfield resort. The resort, which was trying to improve its image in
1987 to four-star status, fired Hodgdon because she refused to wear her
false teeth, which she said were painful. Wrote the resort management,
"Employees [are] expected to have teeth and wear them daily to work."
[Rutland Daily Herald-AP, Nov92]
* Michele Rardin, 36, ticketed for driving 80 mph in Hebron, Ind., in July,
told patrolman Randy Komisarcik that when the oil-warning light came on on
her dashboard, she felt she had to race home "before the car blew up."
[Chicago Tribune, Jul92]
* Delano Brugguier, 23, denied he was attempting to break into Sid's
Liquors in Sioux Falls, S. D., in June when he was discovered stuck in the
store's chimney. Rather, he said, he had passed out on the roof and, being
a fitful sleeper, had merely rolled into the chimney. [Sioux City Journal,
Jun92]
* Richard Usher, Jr., was arrested in Decatur, Ga., in June for bigamy when
his wife (Evelyn Deloris) found out, via an insurance payoff, that another
Mrs. Richard Usher, Jr., (Evelyn Nelms, whom he had married in 1985) had
just passed away. Wrote Detective C. E. Bolson in his report, "The only
explanation [Usher] could offer was that he did not remember marrying
[Evelyn Nelms]." [Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Jul92]
The Weirdo-American Community
* Wesley Nunley, 73, recently declared that the $10,000 concrete slab he
built on his property near Dallas was open for business as "U-F-O Landing
Base 1." He said it has been a dream of his "for decades" to have aliens
land on his property--even though the landing pad is located in a quarry
and is surrounded by mud much of the year. Nunley's best friend told the
Dallas Morning News that Nunley was "a little off." [Austin American-
Statesman-AP, 12-20-92]
Least Competent Person
* Former Quik Trip convenience store employee Mark Douglas, 32, was
arrested for robbing the store in December in Overland Park, Kan., after
police interviewed him and his girlfriend, whom he had failed to brief as
to what to say. The robber had worn a cap, and when police asked Douglas
whether he had such a cap, he said no, but the girlfriend said, "Yes, you
do. It's in the closet." [Overland Park Sun, 12-30-92]
Inexplicable
* Part-time security guard Bob Huggins, 86, was notified in November that
his share of The Gaston Gazette's pension plan is nearly $1 million.
Huggins began working at production jobs in 1926 and became a guard in
1974. He had never earned more than $8,000 in a year, and the company had
no pension plan at all until 1989. Huggins's award is so large because the
1989 plan was poorly designed and because Huggins outlived all others in
his employee category. [Charleston Post & Courier-AP, 11-20-92]
===========================================================================
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 93 22:54:42 EST
From: Mitchell Porter<Mitchell.Porter@lambada.oit.unc.edu>
Subject: God's fax number
Date: Tue 26 Jan 93 23:12:35 -0500
From: Michael Travers <mt@media.mit.edu>
[forwards deleted...]
JERUSALEM (UPI) -- God by fax?
It was probably inevitable that someone would try to exploit
Jerusalem's prime location and offer to dispatch messages to the
Almighty with state-of-the-art technology.
That's what Israel's telephone company did Wednesday.
For the price of a call, Bezek workers will take faxed prayers,
blessings and heartfelt wishes and tuck them inside the many cracks of
the Western Wall, revered by Jews as the holiest place on Earth.
The towering stone wall in Jerusalem's Old City, a remnant of the
Great Temple destroyed by the Romans in A.D. 70, is already crammed with
thousands of pieces of paper scrawled with visitors' deepest sentiments.
Many Jews believe God reads the messages and makes them come true.
``If you want to put a note in the 'Kotel' (Western Wall) but can't
go there yourself, we'll do it for you,'' said Danny Ezer, a Bezek
spokesman.
He said the AT&T and MCI telephone networks in the United States have
expressed interest in promoting the service abroad.
------
The fax number, including the international and city codes for Israel
and Jerusalem, is 972-2-612222.
===========================================================================
Who Killed Donald Duck
===========================================================================
Date: Sat, 30 Jan 1993 16:30 HKT
From: "Ed Spodick, HKUST Library, x6743" <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: Who killed Donald Duck?
"WHO KILLED DONALD DUCK?" Since 17 January Belgrade media have been
extensively reporting on the Walt Disney corporation's decision to ban
publication of its comic strips in Serbia-Montenegro and the likely
sociological and psychological impact on the country's children. Politika,
which has run the Donald Duck series since 1932, showed an astonished
Donald in chains with Mickey Mouse crying, "Sanctions Banish Mickey and
Donald." Independent radio B92 commented, "the psychological impact of this
ban is greater than any of the other UN-imposed sanctions." The latest
cover of the independent weekly Vreme is headlined "Who Killed Donald
Duck?" and depicts a dazed Donald being shot in the back of the head from a
cannon on a model frigate. Milan Andrejevich, RFE/RL, Inc.
===========================================================================
Pro Forma
===========================================================================
Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1993 10:21:05 -0800
From: AHARRIS - Alan Harris <VCSPC005@VAX.CSUN.EDU>
Pro Forma
The Magazine for the Busy Academic
Volume 1, Number 1 June, 1992
A new journal devoted to those who do not have time to read it. No
articles - no commentary no book reviews! All sections can be read
in less time than it takes to advise the average undergraduate
student.
Here are some of the topics and sections to appear in the first
issue:
Legal Advisor: "Don't Publish - Don't Perish: Creative Litigation
and Tenure"
The Art of the Conference:
"Being a Discussant Without Reading the Papers"
*Opening remarks for every session "These papers
admirably demonstrate both the strengths and weaknesses
of the field today." "It is nice to see that some people
can still get interested in this topic."
*10 French names that intimidate
*10 all-purpose long summary sentences with no content
*The art of academic flattery through easy key words
"seminal, pathbreaking, essential, fundamental....."
"The All-Purpose Abstract"
*Just fill in five blanks and this abstract works in any
discipline, for any conference.
*Abstracts that describe any paper you later write
Postmodern, Positivist, Critical, Feminist
"When You Just can't write the Paper - Creative Withdrawls
from the Program"
Easier Publishing:
"Citation analysis : Journals in your discipline that are
desperate for papers"
"Ins and outs of repeat publishing - change that title!"
"One paper - eight foreign Graduate students - eight
translations - eight foreign publications - all in six
months!"
The Tenure and Promotion File:
"How to form or join a citation circle"
*agreements that multiply your entries in the annual
citation index by 10
"Make a 1-page comment count the same as a book
"Obscure journals that sound important
"5 ways to get your book accepted without review"
"Getting good letters from people who don't know you"
The Pro Forma Bookshelf
"100 One-Line Current Book Summaries"
*Allows you to freely cite pages, without buying or
reading the book!
*Easy-to remember critiques for conversation or class
*Classified by discipline
*Rated for political correctness by our panel
"Boilerplate - A New Computer Program that Writes Half of your
Monograph"
"Classics in Your Discipline"
*Survey reports how many of your colleagues have actually
read the classics in your field
Cooperation Column:
Co-Authorship Exchange
*Have Data, Need Theory
*Have Theory, Need Data
Washington Buzzword Watch:
Regular updates from the Beltway Bandit
What is Hot in NSF and NEH Panels this year
Trends in Cross-Disciplinary Buzzword Transmission
Plus! These new columns to appear in the next issue:
Advising Timesavers
Dissertation Defenses without Preparation
Advertisers
Submission Services International
We reformat and resubmit until you get accepted!
Thousands of journals on our lists!
Data Recycling Central
Don't throw that old data away! We have buyers for good pre-
owned data sets, lab notes and interview transcripts!
FINALLY, SOME REALLY USEFUL ADVICE ON HOW TO SURVIVE IN THE
ACADEMY!!
===========================================================================
Super OTISnistic Existential Determinism
===========================================================================
[Ah ha! Thought you could get away with not having to wade through some
high powered dogma. Well you're wrong. Strap on your fez and meditate on
the following words.]
Date: 04 Feb 1993 16:42:37 -0500 (EST)
From: GARBETT@utkvx.utk.edu
Super OTISnistic Existential Determinism
(1) Being that OTIS has conveyed his words to us in the Old Peppermint &
the New Spearmint. OTIS has stated his ways that all hear may understand way,
with clarity much. (1+2i) OTIS has already chosen those whom OTIS will bless
with strangeness and those who should receive grinding of teeth and wailing.
This blessing has nothing to do with their actions, but if they bless OTIS
and the worshipers of OTIS with CASH, OTIS will be favorable. (2x+3y^2) Being
that there exists the elite CHOSEN of OTIS, these blessed shall be presented
with ETERNAL Tupperware parties and The Everlasting Fruit Salad shall rain
upon their days. ( <n|-ih d/dt|m> ) OTIS having chosen those who shall receive
the effluent of OTIS, those who look upon them must hold their noses. These
cursed shall never know the secret joys of Fruit Salad and live their
meager lives in IGNORANCE. (~A - AxB) The ones who have donated their
lives and time to OTIS were predestined to, but the ones who donate their
pocket books are THE ONES THAT OTIS HAS CHOSEN WITH NO REGARD TO THEIR
ACTIONS. If YOU IMMEDIATELY BEGIN DONATING HUGE SUMS OF CASH AND OTIS
SHINES UPON YOU, THE TWO ARE NOT RELATED--IT WAS PREDESTINED. THOSE WHO
DON'T DONATE, DISPLAY OTIS'S CHOICE FOR THEIR ULTIMATE FATE FOR ALL TO LOOK
UPON THEM AND LAUGH.
===========================================================================
Disco Inferno
===========================================================================
Date: Tue, 09 Feb 1993 23:44:44 EST
From: "On a clear disk you can seek forever." <hillv@kenyon.edu>
Subj: Re: Lust is common, love is rare.
From: R_WINES@TRZ860 (Rodney Wines)
Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1993 11:30:01 GMT
There was a great story on CNN International over the weekend. In case any
of you didn't hear about it, this guy (aged 20) asked a girl (also age 20)
to dance in a club in Florida, I think. Well, one thing lead to another,
and soon they were having sex. Problem was, they were having sex right on
the dance floor. They seemed totally oblivious to the hundreds of people
around them. The police finally had to pull them apart!
The funny thing was that neither of them was drunk or stoned (according to
CNN), and the guy didn't even know her name.
Now, although I'm not condoning their behavior, I envy them their passion.
They were two consenting adults with an overpowering physical attraction.
I've never felt passion like that, and I doubt that 99.99% of the human race
has, either. No, this is not something to build a future on, but it'd
certainly be great if they do have other things in common. I hope the guy
did get her name...
===========================================================================
TVC
===========================================================================
Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1993 11:48:51 EST
From: "On a clear disk you can seek forever." <hillv@kenyon.edu>
Subject: I'm reading way too much netnews...
From: tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu (trygve lode)
Subject:Re: How Strong Should a Man Be?
Date: Mon, 8 Feb 93 06:04:14 GMT
[click]
"...and that, I believe is a lesson that we all ought to learn.
That's all for today's Sunset Sermonette; be sure to tune in tomorrow when
I'll be telling the true story of a young man whose efforts really were
'all in vein.' Now, stay tuned for the evening weather report, after these
messages."
"Oooooohhhh, I'm a young, nubile virgin, only nineteen years old,
dressed in the flimsiest of nighties, eagerly awaiting your call. Just
pick up the phone and dial 1-900-VIRGINS and one of our many luscious
virgins is waiting to talk to you. 1-900-VIRGINS, bringing new blood to
the world of one-to-one conversation, only fifteen dollars per call. Call
me--I'm waiting for you."
"You're watching TVC, The Vampire Channel, entertainment from sunset
to sunrise with the sophisticated vampire in mind. There's no need to go
out into the cold cruel world when TVC brings a world of entertainment into
your castle every night. Here's tonight's exciting lineup:
6:00: THE B-POSITIVE GOURMET. Start your night off right with the tooth-
tempting creations of Stu Sikorsky, the B-Positive Gourmet. Tonight
Stu will be showing you how to turn those ordinary leftovers into a
delicious blood pudding!
6:30: THE WONDER CENTURIES. The heartwarming saga of a young vampire
growing up in in small-town Transylvania.
7:30: BURIED WITH CHILDREN. Laughs abound as Vlad brings home a jug of
ketchup, thinking that it's blood.
8:00: TWIN BITES. Someone put a stake through Laura Von Palmer's heart, but
who? (Part Seventeen: we don't find out in this episode either.)
9:00: MOVIE: SCAR TREK II--THE WRAITH OF KHAN. Evil werewolves are
pursuing VonKirk on a distant planet and somebody has taken his
coffin. Can Spook and Bones save him by sunrise?
11:00: 300-SOMETHING. Gaspov sleeps through an important meeting, Valeria
tries to decide whether she likes Bill enough to bite him a third
time, Korosky and Eunice decide to try to adoption.
12:00: AMERICA'S FUNNIEST BLOOD DONATIONS. Bloopers, boners, and bumbles
from the biggest city blood banks to the smallest school blood drives.
12:30: NIGHT COUNT. Judge Stein trys to find Squid a toupee' while Don tries
to set up a date with three blood-sucking hookers.
1:00: LOATHESOME GLOVE. The almost true story of the first vampires to
colonize the old west. (Part two.)
2:00: MOVIE: VAMPBO--FIRST BLOOD, THEN GUTS. Silkvested Staleloaf as
Vampbo, a shell-shocked vet sent on a night mission to rescue a whole
family of vampires from the twin sons of Von Helsing's cousin-in-law.
4:00: UNCLE BUCKTEETH. Uncle Buckteeth gets into the wrong line at the
department of motor vehicles and accidentally ends up entered into
the 1990 Miss America Pageant. (No, we don't understand it either.)
4:30: VONGYVER. VonGyver and his sidekick venture off to Australia where
they discover the long-lost tomb of the Pharaoh Phred (which, since
it's in Australia, you can imagine just how badly lost it was even to
start with) and VonGyver must save his friend and the entire city of
Sydney from the Curse of Phred using only a paper clip, a number two
pencil without an eraser, a miniature plastic tuba, and a wire whisk.
So sit back, stay tuned, and enjoy a full night of entertainment, here on TVC!
TVC and You--Forever.
===========================================================================
Our National Anthem
===========================================================================
[Yes boys and girls. This is 100% true. I've seen it in several other
sources. Records of this song actually do exit. Doctor Demento one time
played his copy on the air. And we all know what happened after that.]
Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1993 18:11:47 EST
From: "On a clear disk you can seek forever." <hillv@kenyon.edu>
It's reasonably well known that the national anthem of the USA, "The Star
Spangled Banner," is a poem by Francis Scott Key set to the tune of an
English drinking song. My question: can anyone supply me with the original
words or a reference to where I might find them? My quartet may
If you can find it, the _Oak, Ash and Thorn Songbook_ has a couple of
verses. I only remember one [below]. Recall that the song originated as
the theme song of the Anacreontic Society, dedicated to booze and
boozy-song:
To Anacreon in heav'n where he sat in full glee,
A few sons of harmony sent a petition
That he their inspirer and patron might be,
When this answer arrived from that jolly old Grecian:
"Voice, fiddle, and flute, no longer be mute;
I'll lend ye my name, and inspire ye to boot.
And long may the sons of Anacreon entwine.......[ long hold :-) ]
The myrtle of Venus and Bachchus's wine."
===========================================================================
Money Making Tips
===========================================================================
From: schwartz@ces.cwru.edu (David G. Schwartz)
Subject: Switching Long Distance Companies
Date: 24 Feb 1993 16:36:48 GMT
So I get this offer in the mail -
"Switch to Sprint and get $35 credit on your next phone bill"
I figure, "Why not? $35 is good money for a phone call."
So I call Sprint and make the switch.
Two weeks later I get an offer from AT&T -
"We want you back - switch and get $25 credit"
Thinking, "Sure, why not", I put the offer aside, but forget to follow up.
A week later a $75 check arrives from AT&T -
"Endorse and cash this check, and we switch you back" Can't
argue with that. So I cash it and we're back with AT&T.
Another two weeks pass and I get a call from Sprint -
Sprint Lady: "We want you back at Sprint"
Me: "What incentive are you offering"
Sprint Lady: "Better service and prices than AT&T"
Me: "But AT&T just paid me $75"
Sprint Lady: "I can't give you any money, but listen,
SWITCH BACK TO SPRINT NOW AND THEN AT&T WILL SEND YOU
ANOTHER $75 - THEN GO BACK TO AT&T! WE'RE HAPPY TO
HAVE AT&T SPEND THEIR MONEY ON YOU."
Really, that's what she said. I gave her full points for creative
marketing and agreed to go back to Sprint.
Sure enough, yesterday a check arrives from AT&T - but only for $25.
Then that night I get a "please switch back" call from AT&T.
Me: "I got your $25 check today - what's the best you can offer me?"
AT&T Guy: "The screen says I can offer $75"
Me: "Make it a hundred and you've got a deal"
AT$T Guy: "I can't go over $75, but I'll tell you what -
GO AHEAD AND CASH THE $25 CHECK ANYWAY AND I'LL ALSO
SEND YOU $75 IN CREDIT CERTIFICATES"
Really, that's what he said. So, you guessed it, we're back with
AT&T.
So I'm thinking, this is a great business. Why not install a few
dozen phone lines and earn a living just swapping long distance
carriers? On average I could probably net $50 per line per month.
But why stop there? How about starting a company that handles long
distance company switching for the public? I could sign people up
giving me discretion of which LD company to use, and take 20% of the
incentive fee, passing 80% back to the consumer. Of course, then some
enterprising soul will start a competing company and offer my
switchers an incentive to switch to his switching company ...
===========================================================================
Calling All Australian Otisians
===========================================================================
[I can't find the follow up letter to this, so I use this one. Basically
it's against official OTISian policy to give out mailing addresses.
And it's against the editors personal policy as well.
Anyway, if there are any Australian Otisian who'd care to get in contact
with this fellow feel free to. His address is listed below and I'm sure
he'll be over joyed. Also, no doubt, Otis will shower blessings on you. He is
new to the fold and could use some instruction and training. ]
Date: Tue, 9 Mar 1993 17:38:57 +1000 (EST)
From: Stephen Pike <spike@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au>
Subject: Brethren in Australia, and HI GUYS!
HAIL!
Greetings To You, Pope, Reverends and patron saints, and even Elbo, who has
been really quiet since his creation, and all at the IGHF.
Thank you firstly for clearing up that thing with the cult of AH-tis.
People like that aren't funny. Not the ones I know anyway.
Secondly, thank you for inviting me to all the parties at Kenyon or
wherever, but while I fully plan to make the pilgrimage one day, sadly I
cannot make it just yet. Instead, could you mail me the PURPS distribution
list, so that I may find some more, um, geographically convienient
followers.
All my Love,
Spike
.....{{ ----- __o Sky clear up. Sunlight is
....{ ----- _\<, Brilliant. Let's ride far away.
...{{ ----- (*)' (*) (remember sunscreen and HAIL OTIS)
Everything that is, is light. Every man and every woman is a star.
===========================================================================
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEEND
===========================================================================
--Subink 1993
Reference in New Issue View Git Blame Copy Permalink