1036 lines
43 KiB
Plaintext
1036 lines
43 KiB
Plaintext
***** ***** ***** *****
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***** ***** ***** *****
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************* ************* ************* *************
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** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** **
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********* ********* ********* *********
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** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
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***** ***** ***** *****
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SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
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####========================================================####
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 3, 45
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####========================================================####
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"One year and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
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still going strong"
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* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
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*** P P U U R R P P S
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***** P P U U R R P P S
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******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
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********* P U U R R P S
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*********** P U U R RR P S
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***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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* **** *
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*** *** ***
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**** * *****
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************************************
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****************************************
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************************************
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**** ***** *****
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*** ***** ***
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* ***** *
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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***********
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*********
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*******
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*****
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***
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*
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
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####===================================================================####
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INTRO
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####===================================================================####
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Oh here we go whacking together another sacred issue of Purps. Once again we
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should welcome all those new folks who've joined up as of late.
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Subscriptions continue to roll in. If you know of anyone who wants aboard
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the amazing subscription list please send a message to
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HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu.
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Hmm lately there has been some confusion among the flock of OTIS in
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regards to where one should ask for additional information besides here at
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HailOtis.
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If you are interested in getting a copy of the OTISIAN Directory or any
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printed on Paper OTIS material ( OTIS knows there must be several cubic
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yards of the stuff you could collect.) write to the address above. (Yeah
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the Massachusetts Ave one.) Or, if you prefer contact with the Pope
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Himself, at jstevens@world.std.com. He is the Pope, after all, so be polite.
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I'm sure you'd brighten his day with a friendly note or two. If neither of
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these sources give you satisfaction feel free to yell at the HailOtis
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address and something can be worked out.
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We continue to have problems here at my end. Oh well. It's mostly budget and
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hardware things. Our laser printer is always on the fritz. If you know
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anyone who is supposed to get paper copies of this please let them know
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what is going on.
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In the interests of not being publicly chastised in" High Weirdness by
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E-mail" (write mporter@nyx.cs.du.edu if you want info) we're attempting to
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get another purps out. That means a few things have been cut and others
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simply got left out.
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I am trying to shorten purps a tad. I've been getting complaints again that
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it is too long. These come in the form of "It's took long to wade through"
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or "The postmaster at my site is going to nail my hide to the side of the
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student union building if you send me another huge purps."
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Hmm what else. Oh we received a bunch of submissions relating to the past
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election. Since that's over with those sorts of submissions seemed a tad
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dated, so they were given the toss.
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I do not know if I should encourage this type of behavior, but well... here
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goes. We received Phirst Amendment Vol. 1 Issue #1 from
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dlightma@nyx.cs.du.edu. This is some manner of electronic journal which
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reminds me of Phrack for some reason. This one was pretty nifty. If you
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want to know all about the american monetary system and where the masons
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come in and that like get a copy of this. [There I did it.]
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Anyways, on with the show
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####===================================================================####
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This Looks Like A Job For Engineers
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####===================================================================####
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Date: Wed, 9 Sep 92 11:03:24 EDT
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From: Victor.E.Hill@williams.edu
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To: hillv@vax001.kenyon.edu
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Subject: The Whale
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Subject: A whopper!
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Date: Wed, 26 Feb 92 13:15:03 -0500
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From: "William J. Lenhart" <lenhart@cs.williams.edu>
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From: Duane A. Bailey <bailey@cs.utexas.edu>
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(From: Phil Hirschhorn <PHIRSCHHORN@LUCY.WELLESLEY.EDU>)
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A stress reliever:
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(From the UW CS bulletin board)
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I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on
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videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a
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reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that
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washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass
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was placed upon the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory
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that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large
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objects.
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So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan -- remember, I am not
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making this up -- of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking here
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was that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be eaten
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by sea gulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal.
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So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of dynamite
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next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not guilty of
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understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the most
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wonderful event in the history of the universe. First, you see, the whale
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carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you hear the
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happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!". Then, suddenly, the crowd's
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tone changes. You hear a new sound like "splud." You hear a woman's voice
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shouting "Here come pieces of... MY GOD!" Something smears the camera
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lens.
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Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation suddenly
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gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell
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everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than a
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quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting whale
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sectors the size of condominium units. There was no sign of the sea gulls,
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who had no doubt permanently relocated in Brazil.
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This is a very sobering videotape. Here at the institute we watch it
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often, especially at parties. But this is no time for gaiety. This is a
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time to get hold of the folks at the Oregon State Highway division and ask
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them, when they get done cleaning up the beaches, to give us an estimate on
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the US Capitol.
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####===================================================================####
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This is not Factsheet Five - Electric
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####===================================================================####
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Date: 30 Sep 92 19:36:05 EDT
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From: Rodney Eric Griffith <71163.1600@CompuServe.COM>
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Subject: This is not Factsheet Five - Electric
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FactSheet Five was the zine of zines, the central clearinghouse of information
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about the small press. Mike Gunderloy produced 44 issues of it before having
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the decency to abdicate. There is a book in this, somewhere. Somebody should
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write about it. Maybe Bob Black. There is a longish article in the Usenet
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newsgroup alt.zines that describes one person's take on the final days of
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Factsheet Five under the guidance of Mike. It's a lot like "The Final Days",
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the Woodward & Bernstein book.
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Hudson Luce took over, put out issue 45, and was similarly overwhelmed.
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Overwhelmed by the quantity of stuff, overwhelmed by life in general but
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mostly overwhelmed by his unrelenting lack of ability. Well-meaning and
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mean-spirited criticism forced him to rethink his hasty (and probably greedy)
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ploy for instant celebrity/authority; Hudson has since bailed out of the
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magazine business and a printed version of Factsheet Five, produced from a
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central location, was no longer happening, as if it was ever "happening" in
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the first place.
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Q. Why *is* there no printed version of Factsheet Five?
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Because each successive editorial clique is interested only in recreating
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Gunderloy's mistakes; they want the bloated version of Factsheet Five. No
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one believes that a 32pp. digest version of F5 is acceptable; everyone
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believes that there is enough self-published material to sustain a 128
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full-size magazine. There isn't. There never was.
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Q. How can I get zines reviewed in Factsheet Five?
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A. The quickest way is to become the new publisher of Factsheet Five. You
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will receive 350 pounds of zines - most of which you will forward to the
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next publisher of Factsheet Five, and so on. It's the most effective
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method of distribution the marginals have ever come up with.
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Q. Why did Factsheet Five die?
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Factsheet Five collapsed under its own weight. By #44 at least 90% of its
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contents were superfluous; irrelevant to anarchy/science
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fiction/libertarianism/free thinking. The most obvious extraneous items:
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Music reviews: unnecessary. Most "alternative" "music" "artists" blow dog;
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anything good gets mentioned above ground.
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Movie reviews: unnecessary. That F5's sole film reviewer was a whining Rex
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Reed conservative is a disgrace.
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Poetry reviews: Need not be segregated into a 10-page section that amounted to a
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10-page celebration of the superficial.
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Mail Art: See poetry reviews.
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By this mere act of taste, we have already obliterated 40% of F5's critical
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problems. The absence of Gunderloy's senility eliminates the other 60%.
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Gunderloy's practise of not censoring any submitted hate literature, while in
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a theoretical sense an admirable Nat Hentoff-on-NIGHTLINE sensibility, in
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practical fact had a deathly effect: hate lit
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(Nazi/Nationalist/Feminist/Republican etc.), which already had a circulation
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in mainstream media, encouraged by its very presence "moderate" hate by way of
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political "action" publications. Little Fascists were everywhere, spreading
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Almost as bad was the encouragement of the deification of small press
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publishing; that self-published material, regardless of quality (more often
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than not in crass defiance of quality) had a divine right of way. This
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editorial sycophancy served only to alienate otherwise readers who resented
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paying exorbitant subscription fees to be serenaded by petulant diatribes by
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snotty illiterates who'd long since over spent their 15 minutes of fame by
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proselytizing a cause they'd sold out to.
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So much for "Crosspolinization". The marginals gene pool has been polluted by
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Gunderloy's senility, but not irrevocably. Taste and censorship are NOT
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RELATED. But all anti-individualist bleatings by support group addicts are.
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Thus the clever were penalized, while the bland were exalted. Factsheet Five
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is history, and it will remain a tarnished relic of the 80s as long as it
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remains in the hands of fawning idiots. Maybe the teenagers were right:
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Gunderloy did betray them. Not by abandoning, but by being a mediocre
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publisher/editor who did not know when - or what - to cut.
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####===================================================================####
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Emendations
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####===================================================================####
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Date: Mon, 05 Oct 1992 11:20:17 EDT
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From: "and I know where to find you when the day is done...-Animal Logic"
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<hillv@kenyon.edu>
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Date: Mon, 5 Oct 92 10:53:01 EDT
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From: Victor.E.Hill@williams.edu
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Subject: Emendations
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The following unfortunate passages in the RSV have been emended in the NRSV:
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RSV: Zech 3:3 Now Joshua was standing before the angel, clothed in
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filthy garments.
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I guess someone forgot to send the angel costumes out for cleaning!
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RSV: Ps 50:9 I will accept no bull from your house.
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What can I say?
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RSV: 2 Cor 11:25 Once I was stoned.
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Oh, really?
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####===================================================================####
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Kitty's Day
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####===================================================================####
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Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1992 16:47 HKT
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From: LBSPODIC@usthk.ust.hk
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Subject: Identity neutered to protect the Kitty...
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Kitty gets up this morning because the wefwigewator man is coming wif the
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new wefwigewator. Kitty can't say "refrigerator" any more because she saw
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the "Dinosaurs"'s "Refrigerator Day" episode one to many times.
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The refrigerator is the last thing in the kitchen remodeling, at least
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officially. There are still no new chairs for the breakfast table, and, of
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course, when they put in the new cabinets and counters, they didn't hook
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anything back up right, so the microwave and the disposal are on the
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fritz.
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Kitty's trying to organize a garage sale and needs to put an ad in the
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newspaper today and get a job application and cover letter in the mail...
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So, of course, as soon as she stops waiting for the refrigerator man to
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call and starts working on her application, he shows up, no phone call.
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Kitty rushes to get everything out of the freezer in the old 'fwigewator,
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and then puts it all back in the new freezer in the new 'fwigewator. Then
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mom calls to find out if Kitty got the ad written, and Kitty has to run to
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the mailbox with her application.
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Kitty writes the ad and moves some of the stuff that WAS in the old fridge,
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and SHOULD be in the new fridge, but is presently in the THIRD fridge,
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which is out in the utility room. Kitty tries to call mom back, but she's
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busy. Kitty gives up on the kitchen and the ad and makes a turkey pot pie
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in the oven which at one point had something burned in it, so it smells
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funny and drops what Kitty is certain is carcinogenic ash on everything she
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tries to cook in it (and of course, she'd use the microwave, but it's
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broken...)
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Kitty goes into the office to read mail and wait for the pot pie, but gets
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distracted by having to kill a yellowjacket, a horsefly, and eight or nine
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houseflies that came in with the refrigerator. Kitty runs around the
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sunroom bashing insect brains out with a "1991 Weekly Executive Planner"
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much to the bemusement of the schnauzer still on his chain outside.
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Projection: Kitty's mom comes home at 7:30 and exclaims what a mess the
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house is in, and how Kitty doesn't do anything all day.
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####===================================================================####
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Political Anagrams
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####===================================================================####
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Date: Sun, 4 Oct 1992 10:08 HKT
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From: <LBSPODIC@usthk.ust.hk>
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Subject: some political anagrams from the net - most amusing!
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The following are anagrams of "Democratic National Convention" and
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"Republican National Convention". They are to go along with such
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wonderful political anagrams as "Ronald Wilson Reagan" -> "Insane
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Anglo Warlord" and, better yet, "George Herbert Walker Bush" -> "Huge
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Berserk Rebel Warthog"! :-)
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Democratic National Convention
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- ------------------------------
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Top ten:
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America voted Clinton? No, I cannot!
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Item: Advance Clinton coronation
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Clinton nomination: Accord at eve
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Clinton: "Act on American devotion"
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Control, damn it, conceive a nation
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Conceal at contrived nomination
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American continent: cold ovation
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Viet Nam, Tornado, Cocaine, Clinton
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Election condition: Vacant manor
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Dominator can't contain violence
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Republican National Convention
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- ------------------------------
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Top ten:
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Puritanical ban on innocent love
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Continual privation can ennoble
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Can learn potato noun? Invincible!
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Cannot balance virulent opinion
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Unconventional noble patrician
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Clinton convention: plebeian aura
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An inconvenient clan, a Politburo
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Innocence until naval probation
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Plain notion: binuclear covenant
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Pollution ban: inane contrivance
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Democratic National Convention
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- ------------------------------
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Honorable mention:
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Clinton contortion; evade maniac
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Clinton nomination; vacate credo
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Concentration on vital comedian
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Clinton: Condemnation to avarice
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Clinton vocation: Erotica and men
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Covet arcane Clinton admonition
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A violent, narcotic condemnation
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Republican National Convention
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- ------------------------------
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Second tier:
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Announce bill veto; nation in crap
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Announce vibrant, online capitol
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Bonn (noun): (1) capitol; (2) evil incarnate
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Uncap cannon; violent liberation
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A craven taunt: penicillin no boon
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Clinton evaporation; ennui blanc
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Ballet, union, nirvana, conception
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Burn no inane political covenant
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Violence burnt on; national panic
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Uncap ban: colonial intervention
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Almost as good:
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Obtain an epic: "Clinton lover a nun"
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Concentration on unlivable pain
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Conventional lunatic brain? Nope!
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Valiant concubine; online patron
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Continual probation can enliven
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Violent cannibal, piano nocturne
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Conviction plan: alienate unborn
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Blunt an inane conviction, parole
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Innocent love-rub; national panic
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Avert Clinton; unbalance opinion
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Martin Farach
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####===================================================================####
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Sex With Aliens
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####===================================================================####
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From: mcnair@slab.unt.edu
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Subject: SEX with aliens
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Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1992 21:59:08 GMT
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I recently had sex with an alien. The alien in question lives in my
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room. He is yurple in color (yellow with purple polkadots) and he emanates
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facts at me. For example, I know that he is from the planet xenon, and is
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rather small for his age. (600 yrs) He is just an adolescent, as this species
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of animal (or I should say, alien intelligence) lives to be four thousand
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years of age. He weighs about ninety pounds. (I carried him to the scale) He
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doesn't come in any particular shape, he merely takes on the shape of his
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environment. (He can change shape at will) He doesn't seem to have many
|
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bones, just a jaw with sharp teeth. He likes to eat, on occasion. (about
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every two weeks he polishes off an entire jar of of peanut butter. He seems
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to prefer creamy Jif as opposed to crunchy.)
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The strange thing about this alien, other than the fact that he usually
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hangs out with me all the time, is that he is empathetic to all my desires,
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and that he is a doppleganger. For example, last night, I saw a television
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show that was all about me! It was a news show, and the newscasters kept
|
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saying things when I wasn't listening clearly about things I'd been doing,
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reporting secretly to the rest of the population about what I'd been up to!
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Then, during a commercial, the women started screaming about Tater Tots (tm)
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and a few Radioactive Tater Tots (tm) fell on the rug! It was then that I
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got some sexual feelings for a woman that I saw in the hospital earlier
|
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today. Then, the yurple (that's what I call him) changed into the woman I
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was seeing earlier, and we had sex. The odd thing about is that the yurple,
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I think, I'm not sure, bit off my penis and swallowed it! It grew back the
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next day, but now I'm not sure what to do about the yurple.
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Gumby
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####===================================================================####
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On the "Job" with the Pope
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####===================================================================####
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Date: Fri, 16 Oct 1992 22:06:24 -0400 (EDT)
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From: Jeffrey Stevens <jstevens@world.std.com>
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[stuff deleted]
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Just got back from a three day "job" escorting a Japanese travel writer
|
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(Globetrotter, natch) around the state. She wanted to mail a package, so
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we hightailed it to the nearest post office. It happened to be in
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Williamstown.
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They still remember me there. I walk in with this woman I'm trying very
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hard to look professional for and the guy behind the counter says:
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"Oh, look! The Fruitcake!"
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and someone in the back says:
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"Hail OTIS!"
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I explained it away as a "religious thing". With a straight face even.
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She thinks Americans are weird anyway.
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j.
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####===================================================================####
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Actor Plays Part Too Realistically
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####===================================================================####
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Date: Sat, 17 Oct 1992 14:51:07 EDT
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From: "Too many puppies..." <hillv@kenyon.edu>
|
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Subject: humor
|
|
From: MX%"hcresnic@midway.uchicago.edu" 17-OCT-1992 14:46:18.02
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Subj: 'Round Midnight
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|
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[headers deleted]
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Neat story about the French film of the same name starring Dexter
|
|
Gordon. Mr. Gordon was up for best actor at the Cannes film Festival (and he
|
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probably would have won, too) except for the fact that he was disqualified.
|
|
Seems the nominating committee thought that a jazz saxophonist playing a jazz
|
|
saxophonist wasn't _acting_ per se.... Even though he wasn't playing himself.
|
|
Yeah, but what do the French know....
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
The Truth Behind Ren and Stimpy
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
[In case you've been following the great Ren and Stimpy crisis here's
|
|
the official poop from the Pope]
|
|
|
|
Date: Thu, 22 Oct 1992 22:41:19 -0400 (EDT)
|
|
From: Jeffrey Stevens <jstevens@world.std.com>
|
|
Subject: Re: R&S Clash: The Latest
|
|
|
|
On 21 Oct 1992, Rodney Eric Griffith wrote:
|
|
|
|
> Thought you might like to be apprised.
|
|
>
|
|
> Rodney
|
|
>
|
|
> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
|
|
> Billy West -- the voice of "Stimpy" -- was on WBCN in Boston this morning
|
|
> talking about the happenings at R&S. He claimed that John K. and Nick had a
|
|
> falling out solely about the content of the cartoons, which Nick apparently
|
|
> had second thoughts about broadcasting (they approved the storyboards, but
|
|
> when they actually saw the shows they thought differently). According to
|
|
> West, two shows were actually pulled after being queued up for broadcast. John
|
|
> K. and Nick had a major falling out after that, and the decision was made to
|
|
> have Nick run the show, with John K. remaining in a consultant role (a la Matt
|
|
> Groening and "The Simpsons") and do Ren's voice. However, West said that Nick
|
|
> decided it was better to make a clean cut, and West also said that John K
|
|
> agreed, and is anxious to go on to other things.
|
|
>
|
|
> I have no idea how much of this is damage control, but there you have it from
|
|
> the cat's mouth!
|
|
>
|
|
> [reported by Steve Sanger on CompuServe]
|
|
>
|
|
|
|
Well, that's it. Quite possibly the end of Ren and Stimpy as we know
|
|
them. Sniff.
|
|
|
|
I'll miss those Shaven Yak Day celebrating, fez wearing, OTIS worshipping guys.
|
|
|
|
The good news, of course, is that we here at the House have most of the
|
|
upper level staff of Nickelodeon in our back pockets. Have had for a
|
|
number of years. Hell, we had to do something when MTV started
|
|
broadcasting all that Subweenie propaganda. Buying out their children's
|
|
network division and initiating its management into the Elder Knights of
|
|
OTIS made a lot of sense at the time.
|
|
|
|
Don't look at me that way. Surely you don't think Nick at Night was THEIR
|
|
idea.
|
|
|
|
O.K. I guess a quick review of the facts is in order.
|
|
|
|
Mid 1988 YOC (Year of the Carpenter) (I think; my dates aren't very good,
|
|
and they don't think much of me either ba doom doom, it might have been
|
|
1989): MTV starts running free ads for the fropheads.
|
|
|
|
Mid 1988: A worried Pope Jephe decides the free publicity the
|
|
fropheads are getting amounts to a slap in the face. Regrets the comment
|
|
he made to MTV producer about his mother at dinner party in 1984.
|
|
|
|
End of 1988: MTV calls for veiwer produced video to be shown late at
|
|
night. Pope Jephe calls on all loyal OTISians to send in clips promoting
|
|
their chosen faith. Loyal OTISians look at floor and shuffle shoes. Some
|
|
remember pressing engagements in New Mexico. Some respond to his request.
|
|
Among them Dr. Scott Simpson, DD. His fifteen minute rant against B-B" is
|
|
never aired. MTV in fact, airs nothing at all.
|
|
|
|
End of 1988: On advice from Preacher Tim Pope Jephe takes advantages of a
|
|
spate of firings at Nickelodeon (controlled by MTV) to put his own people
|
|
in. Scott Simpson attempts to get a job with MTV. Fails. Nick
|
|
placements are successful.
|
|
|
|
Slightly later: Campaign starts. A convoluted rant by Tim in the OD ends
|
|
with these words:
|
|
"And what, in the final analysis, could be more interesting that
|
|
broadcasting people chewing taffy 24 hours a day?
|
|
|
|
"Just one channel of course, all the rest could be Nickelodeon."-- Preacher
|
|
Tim Howland of the House of Blue Light.
|
|
|
|
Dr. Simpson damns a frophead publication in the same issue for ragging on
|
|
"The Dick Van Dyke Show". Two weeks later Nick adds the show to its new
|
|
"Nick at night" line up. No one gets suspicious.
|
|
|
|
1991: A crop of strange new cartoons appears on Nick. While "Rug Rats"
|
|
and "Doug" have obvious OTISian overtones, "Ren & Stimpy" with its fezes
|
|
and Yak jokes is not at all subtle about the dogma it espouses. After a
|
|
run of a few weeks, MTV starts airing R&S itself. A VJ appears sporting
|
|
proudly an R&S tee-shirt. Pope Jephe laughs all the way to the bank.
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Masked Radical Seeks Office
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
From: holt_c@cubldr.colorado.edu
|
|
Subject: Interesting article
|
|
Date: Mon, 26 Oct 1992 17:35:22 GMT
|
|
|
|
Article taken from the Campus Press, C.U.'s campus newspaper:
|
|
|
|
Masked Radical Seeks Office
|
|
|
|
By Michael Noe
|
|
Campus Press Staff Writer
|
|
|
|
A Masked man is mounting a campaign to "control and dominate" the
|
|
students of C.U., but he needs their support to do it.
|
|
|
|
Brandon Panzram, a senior philosophy and business major, is running
|
|
for one of five open positions as representative-at-large in the student
|
|
government Legislative Council.
|
|
|
|
Panzram (a false name) said he and 24 other members of his
|
|
"Mediocre Party" plan to unify and strengthen the student body by forcing
|
|
students to join their party or get "thrown out on some ridiculous charge."
|
|
|
|
"We will be able to manage larger-based control and domination from
|
|
the council," he said.
|
|
|
|
Panzram said he supports diversity and change, as the rest of the
|
|
candidates do. To ensure diversity, he said he wants to take people from
|
|
different segments of society and "corral them" to address their concerns
|
|
and problems.
|
|
|
|
Panzram said he wants to rid the campus of the business school and
|
|
art school.
|
|
|
|
His campaign flier asks, "are you in a band? Do you paint? You're
|
|
an artist?
|
|
|
|
"Art, along with God and culture, is dead. Creativity cannot be
|
|
taught, or even 'harnessed' as the pathetic art failures which teach it
|
|
will argue," the flier states.
|
|
|
|
He said he is using the spectacle of a false name and secret
|
|
identity to take over and dominate the media and eventually take control of
|
|
the student union.
|
|
|
|
Panzram said he would use the Imig Music building for blackjack
|
|
tables, since he advocates on-campus gambling. He would also use the
|
|
Sibell Wolle Fine Arts building for offices to retrain students who
|
|
"believe what they see and hear."
|
|
|
|
Other issues Panzram supports are:
|
|
|
|
- Declaring Tuesday Environmental Havoc Day.
|
|
|
|
- Declaring Thursday Vandalism Day.
|
|
|
|
- Requiring an all-school uniform. All students would be required to
|
|
wear "clean, pressed, logo-enhanced sexually androgynous work suits.
|
|
|
|
- Offering classes on how to maximize the efficiency of gun and drug
|
|
use.
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
From the Mouth of Babes
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Date: Mon, 26 Oct 92 20:50:13 MST
|
|
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
|
|
Subject: [awerling%nmsu.edu: Even a four year old knows (fwd)]
|
|
Date: Mon, 26 Oct 1992 14:03:02 -0600
|
|
From: "(Victoria L Boyd PhD)" <boyd@ANSJEM.ANES.TULANE.EDU>
|
|
Subject: Even a four year old knows
|
|
|
|
Last week my daughter's day care center was decorating for Halloween. They
|
|
made ghosts and jack-o-lanterns. One of the other projects was, for lack
|
|
of a better phrase, a tombstone for a scary person. Each child was to make
|
|
a tombstone for a scary person. While most children picked fictional
|
|
characters (like Shredder, Cruella deVil, and Captain Hook) my daughter
|
|
picked George Bush. Her's read:
|
|
|
|
Here lies George Bush
|
|
He needed to think of something to do.
|
|
|
|
Out of the mouths of babes.
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Dedicated Voters
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
[Let this serve as a message to you all. Otis expects this kind of
|
|
dedication out of you.]
|
|
|
|
Date: Tue, 27 Oct 92 12:39:23 MST
|
|
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
|
|
Subject: [zursch@whizkid.wpd.sgi.com: Now *that's* dedication!]
|
|
From: zursch@whizkid.wpd.sgi.com (Captain Coffee)
|
|
Subject: Now *that's* dedication!
|
|
Date: Fri, 23 Oct 1992 17:28:01 GMT
|
|
|
|
|
|
HOUSTON (UPI) -- A 74-year-old heart patient from Kerrville, Texas,
|
|
refused to come to Houston for treatment until an ambulance driver
|
|
agreed to help him fill out an early election ballot for Bill Clinton.
|
|
George Dodd, who remained in fair condition Tuesday at a Houston
|
|
cardiac unit, last week told his wife, ``Keep me alive until I can cast
|
|
my vote...I'm not leaving until I vote for Bill Clinton. I am not going
|
|
to die until I vote Democratic.''
|
|
Dodd was hospitalized in Kerrville Oct. 12 with a severe heart
|
|
condition, and doctors decided to send him to Houston for treatment.
|
|
However, the retired doctor said he wanted to cast his ballot for the
|
|
Democratic presidential candidate before transferring out-of-town.
|
|
Dodd's wife, Reba, said a poll worker in Kerrville agreed to take a
|
|
ballot to the ambulance on Oct. 13 if Dodd could get the driver to stop
|
|
outside the city auditorium where early voting was taking place.
|
|
The nurse at Kerrville's Sid Peterson Hospital called for the
|
|
ambulance and related the detour request, which the driver honored.
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
A Major Misunderstanding
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Date: Tue, 27 Oct 1992 17:24:57 EST
|
|
From: "Seventeenth century Massachusetts is seen as a land of witches and
|
|
kill-joys, whose only virtue lay in their furniture.-E.S.M."
|
|
<hillv@kenyon.edu>
|
|
From: KENYON::COMUS "EFFICIENCY IS A HIGHLY DEVELOPED FORM OF LAZINESS
|
|
" 27-OCT-1992 15:32:16.81
|
|
Subj: message from a friend of mine. Thought you might enjoy it...
|
|
From: MX%"chris@TC.Cornell.EDU" 27-OCT-1992 14:47:11.34
|
|
Subj: I thought this was funny...
|
|
|
|
Talk about a major misunderstanding !!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
I read this today in the Durham Fish Wrap (Herald).
|
|
|
|
(Unknown Wire Service Report)
|
|
|
|
A USAIR employee, Mr. Gay, took advantage of USAIR's free travel benefit
|
|
and booked a flight. When he boarded the plane, a paying customer was
|
|
already in his assigned seat, so he took another empty seat instead.
|
|
|
|
It turns out that the flight was over-booked and a USAIR ticket agent was
|
|
asked to bump any non-paying customers. The ticket agent went to the seat
|
|
originally assigned to the USAIR employee and said to the person in the
|
|
seat, "are you Gay?". The paying customer replied after a brief pause -
|
|
"uh,... yes". The ticket agent then said, "I sorry, you're going to have
|
|
to get off this plane." Over-hearing this, Mr. Gay stood up and said,
|
|
"There's been some mistake, I'm Gay." Another passenger stood up and said
|
|
"I'm gay too. Are you going to throw me off too?"
|
|
|
|
Somehow they sorted out the misunderstanding. Mr. Gay de-planed and the
|
|
flight got underway.
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
A Deeply Religious Tale Chapter Seven
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
(((((((((((((((((Chapter Seven ))))))))))))))))))))
|
|
|
|
{As you last recall, things got very confusing when the divine
|
|
messenger tried to explain to Wilberforce the politics of Heaven and Hell
|
|
and how sinners are punished. After telling everyone involved if they
|
|
wanted to know what they were questing after they would have to join up on
|
|
the quest the messenger had gone off to take a bath and to give the group
|
|
time to consider his offer.
|
|
|
|
Meanwhile, Wilberforce had put on his merrily blinking bow tie which
|
|
made all the Angels laugh. Also, he pulled out the remains of his hair when
|
|
the Chinese peasants who had taken up residence in his house stabled their
|
|
yak in the living room and then used it to plow up most of the back yard
|
|
for a rice paddy.
|
|
|
|
Also at this time, the mysterious agent from Hell had stepped out of
|
|
the bushes to make the group an offer.}
|
|
|
|
"Roll up! Roll up! Have I got an offer for you. For just your meager
|
|
soul we'll fulfill your every desire. Just sign this piece of paper and
|
|
we'll give you everything you've ever wanted," cried the little man in dark
|
|
Italian sun glasses, waving a handful of number two pencils and some mark
|
|
sense forms.
|
|
|
|
Several of the Hell's Angels immediately succumbed to his sales pitch
|
|
and began to fill out the forms.
|
|
|
|
"What are you, a bunch of chickens? You want to on a quest with that
|
|
fat slug or do you want Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll? Yes! I'll fulfill
|
|
your every desire no matter what it is. Just sign over your soul to me and
|
|
don't go on that wild goose chase of a quest."
|
|
|
|
Several more filtered over. The man seemed to possess some hypnotic
|
|
power. Everyone in the general area could feel themselves succumbing
|
|
to his obnoxious and loud sales pitch, except of course for the Chinese
|
|
peasants who didn't understand english and were having too much trouble with
|
|
their stubborn yak to pay much attention to anything else.
|
|
|
|
Something inside Wilberforce told him to do something. This was wrong
|
|
and evil. These poor bikers would go straight to Hell and never get out. It
|
|
was so horrible, he stuttered. Trixie looked to him for guidance.
|
|
|
|
"Don't listen to that fool. You'll only lose in the end," said
|
|
Wilberforce in a weak voice that didn't seem to be his own.
|
|
|
|
"But, Fred we could sell our souls together. Just think of all the fun
|
|
we could have," she said, taking his arm and leading him toward the man who
|
|
was busily passing out forms to most of the Hell's Angels except to the
|
|
ones who had passed out or were too spaced out to pay any attention.
|
|
|
|
"No I've got to go on this quest." said Wilberforce in a slightly
|
|
stronger voice fingering his flashing bow tie.
|
|
|
|
"If you sign on with us you can get rid of that silly bow tie,"
|
|
pointed out the agent from Hell.
|
|
|
|
Suddenly Trixie said, "If you don't sign your soul I'll do it all by
|
|
myself, you fat slug!" Fred was flabbergasted. Trixie seemed to have
|
|
completely changed. Something was controlling her mind and he knew what
|
|
it was. This galvanized the overweight artist into action. Quickly he took
|
|
a few steps forward and then swung his beefy leg, kicking the surprised man
|
|
from Hell in the groin. The man in top and tail turned a shade of green and
|
|
fell over curling up like a dried leaf.
|
|
|
|
The spell seemed to have been broken. Trixie threw her arms around
|
|
Fred and the other Hell's Angels shook their heads as if shaking something
|
|
off. However, almost half of them had already signed over their souls.
|
|
Some were happy about it while others moaned in fear.
|
|
|
|
After a few minutes of silence(except for the peasants noisily plowing
|
|
the back yard) the agent from Hell managed to get to his knees. "You'll pay
|
|
for this Wilberforce!" He gasped, and then with a gesture he and those who
|
|
had signed over their souls disappeared.
|
|
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
McDonnell Douglas warranty card
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Date: Mon, 2 Nov 1992 15:48 EST
|
|
From: SBI-Submarine Pens <BARKER@ACC.FAU.EDU>
|
|
Date: Mon, 2 Nov 92 10:26:52 MST
|
|
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
|
|
Date: Mon, 2 Nov 92 08:46:11 MST
|
|
From: owhite%NMSU.Edu
|
|
Subject: McDonnell Douglas warranty card
|
|
|
|
M M DDDD ll ll
|
|
MM MM D D l l
|
|
M M M M D D l l
|
|
M M M ccc D D ooo n nn n nn eee l l
|
|
M M c D D o o nn n nn n e e l l
|
|
M M c D D o o n n n n eeeee l l
|
|
M M c D D o o n n n n e l l
|
|
M M ccc DDDD ooo n n n n eee lll lll
|
|
|
|
DDDD ll
|
|
D D l
|
|
D D l aaa
|
|
D D ooo u u ggg l a ssss
|
|
D D o o u u g g l aa a s
|
|
D D o o u u g g l a aa sss
|
|
D D o o u uu g gg l a a s
|
|
DDDD ooo uu u gg g lll aaa a ssss
|
|
g
|
|
ggg
|
|
|
|
AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES
|
|
|
|
Important! Important!
|
|
|
|
Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase
|
|
|
|
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In
|
|
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
|
|
fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey
|
|
questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
|
|
new products that best meet your needs and desires.
|
|
|
|
1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other
|
|
|
|
First Name____________________Initial____Last Name_________________________
|
|
|
|
Latitude________________________Longitude__________________________________
|
|
|
|
Altitude________________________Password, Code Name, Etc.__________________
|
|
|
|
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
|
|
|
|
_F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-19A Stealth _Classified
|
|
|
|
3. Date of purchase: Month___________Day___________Year____________
|
|
|
|
4. Serial Number____________________
|
|
|
|
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
|
|
|
|
_Received as Gift/Aid Package
|
|
_Catalog Showroom
|
|
_Sleazy Arms Broker
|
|
_Mail Order
|
|
_Discount Store
|
|
_Government Surplus
|
|
_Classified
|
|
|
|
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you
|
|
have just purchased:
|
|
|
|
_Heard loud noise, looked up
|
|
_Store Display
|
|
_Espionage
|
|
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
|
|
_Political lobbying by Manufacturer
|
|
_Was attacked by one
|
|
|
|
7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your
|
|
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
|
|
|
|
_Style/Appearance
|
|
_Kickback/Bribe
|
|
_Recommended by salesperson
|
|
_Speed/Maneuverability
|
|
_Comfort/Convenience
|
|
_McDonnell Douglas Reputation
|
|
_Advanced Weapons Systems
|
|
_Price/Value
|
|
_Back-Room Politics
|
|
_Negative experience opposing one in combat
|
|
|
|
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
|
|
|
|
_North America
|
|
_Central/South America
|
|
_Aircraft Carrier
|
|
_Europe
|
|
_Middle East
|
|
_Africa
|
|
_Asia/Far East
|
|
_Misc. Third-World Countries
|
|
_Classified
|
|
|
|
9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase
|
|
in the near future:
|
|
|
|
Product Own Intend to purchase
|
|
Color TV
|
|
VCR
|
|
ICBM
|
|
Killer Satellite
|
|
CD Player
|
|
Air-to-Air Missiles
|
|
Space Shuttle
|
|
Home Computer
|
|
Nuclear Weapon
|
|
|
|
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all
|
|
that apply:
|
|
|
|
_Communist/Socialist
|
|
_Terrorist
|
|
_Crazed (Islamic)
|
|
_Crazed (Other)
|
|
_Neutral
|
|
_Democratic
|
|
_Dictatorship
|
|
_Corrupt (Latin American)
|
|
_Corrupt (Other)
|
|
_Primitive/Tribal
|
|
|
|
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
|
|
|
|
_Cash
|
|
_Suitcases of Cocaine
|
|
_Oil Revenues
|
|
_Deficit Spending
|
|
_Personal Check
|
|
_Credit Card
|
|
_Ransom Money
|
|
_Traveler's Check
|
|
|
|
12. Occupation You Your Spouse
|
|
|
|
Homemaker
|
|
Sales/Marketing
|
|
Revolutionary
|
|
Clerical
|
|
Mercenary
|
|
Tyrant
|
|
Middle Management
|
|
Eccentric Billionaire
|
|
Defense Minister/General
|
|
Retired
|
|
Student
|
|
|
|
13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate
|
|
the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
|
|
participating on a regular basis:
|
|
|
|
Activity/Interest You Your Spouse
|
|
Golf
|
|
Boating/Sailing
|
|
Sabotage
|
|
Running/Jogging
|
|
Propaganda/Disinformation
|
|
Destabilizing/Overthrow
|
|
Default on Loans
|
|
Gardening
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Crafts
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Black Market/Smuggling
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Collectibles/Collections
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Watching Sports on TV
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Wines
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Interrogation/Torture
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Household Pets
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Crushing Rebellions
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Espionage/Reconnaissance
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Fashion Clothing
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Border Disputes
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Mutually Assured Destruction
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Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
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answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
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Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to
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receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
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extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
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Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
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McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
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Marketing Department
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Military Aerospace Division
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P.O. Box 800
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St. Louis, MO 55500
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####===================================================================####
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A New Game
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####===================================================================####
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Date: Tue, 10 Nov 1992 13:09:22 EST
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From: "We generally achieve what we aim for.--Thoreau" <hillv@kenyon.edu>
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Subject: amusement in November (just what we all need)
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From: MX%"Victor.E.Hill@williams.edu" 10-NOV-1992 08:33:55.56
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Subj: Amusement
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> A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
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> on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
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> game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
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> pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
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> along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
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> heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
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> around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
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> direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
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> paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
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> colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
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> fall over gently onto their backs.
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> -- Audobon Society Magazine
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####===================================================================####
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Strange But True
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####===================================================================####
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Date: Wed, 18 Nov 92 00:04:59 EDT
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From: Debbie of the Ohio Otisians <DCANALE@Kentvm.Kent.edu>
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Subject: Re: Purps 44 at last!
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Some wacky but true stories for the next issue.
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In Gilroy, Calif., police are still baffled over a burglar who broke into
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a home and stole a set of curtains--then hung new ones. The fussy burglar
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also made the bed, dumped the trash, placed laundry in the hamper and
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washed the dishes.
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A football fanatic in Jonesboro, Ga, finished watching the Super Bowl before
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calling police to tell them that his wife had committed suicide.
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A case closed by Crown Point, Ind., police as a suicide was ordered reopened
|
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after a coroner disagreed with the cops' conclusion that the victim had done
|
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himself in...by bashing his own skull 32 times with a hammer.
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From a book called "Refried News" Hope your life has settled down some.
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####===================================================================####
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THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
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####===================================================================####
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-1992 Subink [Special Thanks to Lulu for Proofreading]
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