1403 lines
64 KiB
Plaintext
1403 lines
64 KiB
Plaintext
***** ***** ***** *****
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***** ***** ***** *****
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************* ************* ************* *************
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** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** **
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********* ********* ********* *********
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** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
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***** ***** ***** *****
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SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
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####========================================================####
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 2, 41
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####========================================================####
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"One year and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
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still going strong"
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* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
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*** P P U U R R P P S
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***** P P U U R R P P S
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******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
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********* P U U R R P S
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*********** P U U R RR P S
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***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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* **** *
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*** *** ***
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**** * *****
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************************************
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****************************************
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************************************
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**** ***** *****
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*** ***** ***
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* ***** *
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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***********
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*********
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*******
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*****
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***
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*
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
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####===================================================================####
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INTRO
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####===================================================================####
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Yes it's on time. Well more or less. I still have to put a couple finishing
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touches on this monster, but it should be in the electronic void.
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It's really amazing how the IGHF and Otis has kept pace with modern
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technology. First they were on the internet, now they are on the portable
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computer. Yes! I'm writing this introduction on a portable computer and I
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happen to be sitting on the beach as I'm doing it in an oh so comfy lawn
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chair, with the sea washing away in the background and little lizards
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scampering all over the place as the sun sets.
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Yes, we've come a long way haven't and in just 41 short issues. Hopefully
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we'll have 41 more at least.
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Meanwhile this will once again be sent to you by that VERY SLOW method.
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I've worked a bit on the mailing programs that send it out slow. Hopefully,
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this will be a bit less slow that last time. I take it from the lack of
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complaints or comments that the system must have worked just fine.
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It's that time again. Purps needs your submission! They've been
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very slow lately. In fact I managed to use up all I had on this issue. How
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is Purps supposed to come out in another two weeks without submissions! How
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will Otis deal with those unfaithful readers who do not submit? Will they
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have Brow over for tea. Well they incure the curse of the moldy loaf of
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bread in the refrigerator, that no matter how many times you throw out is
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back again the next time you open it? Well Pope Geophe and his routine of
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extremely loud and obnoxious party guests come camp in your living room for
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the next 1000 years?
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It's easy enough to find out. Just don't submit anything. Remember Otis
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takes care of her own. You submit you receive the blessings. You don't and
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you may find yourself on the next across country flight trapped between a
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fundamentalist minister and a Jehovah's Witness.
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Okay enough scaring you. Purps seriously needs your submissions,
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especially those of a truly Otisian nature. Maybe if purps comes out once
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every two weeks or so for a while, folks will get back in the swing of
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things. And maybe we'll even hear from the Pope again. Or the Rev or Stewy
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or any number of those regular submitters for that matter. In fact where the
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Hell has Spode been? (Oh most honorable and Great God Spode that is.)
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This issue has a couple stories including one by the talented Danielle
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Hammett who will be accepting fan mail at the HailOtis address, another
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installment (better late than never) of the Messenger of the Gods, the
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second part of Doc Simpson's translated text, and an Otisian rant from quite
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a few years ago that was dug up from the archives. This rant of course
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contains all manner of valuable information for young budding Otisians.
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Special thanks this issue goes to Matt Greenwood who submitted tons and
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tons of stuff to Purps. Sad to say most of it was a bit too long, or a bit
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too old for inclusion. [Some of it I'd seen 5 or 6 years ago.] Also to
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Danielle Hammett of course for setting a good example for all Otisians by
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submitting something that actually mentioned Otis and Spode! And of course
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the ever elusive Doc Simpson. Oh and Samhill and Eiverson just not to leave
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anyone out.
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And so on with the show.
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####===================================================================####
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POSTMODERNISM VS. CARTOONS
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####===================================================================####
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Subject: RICHH: Postmodernism vs. Cartoons
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Date: Thu, 09 Jul 92 03:06:22 -0400
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From: "Sam Hill Cabal, DS" <tsdavies@mailbox.syr.edu>
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>From: richh@netcom.com (richh)
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Subject: RICHH: CARTOONS VS POSTMODERN FICTION & CRITICISM
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Date: Wed, 08 Jul 92 20:00:03 GMT
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CARTOONS VS POSTMODERN FICTION & CRITICISM
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------------------------------------------
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POSTMODERN FICTION &
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CARTOONS CRITICISM
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-------------------- ------------------------------
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Leaves one feeling warm Chyeah, right
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and nostalgic, with a profound
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sense of satisfaction and well-
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being.
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Celebrates play. Likes to think it celebrates
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play, but actually is more
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analogous to "explaining the
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joke away" than anything else.
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Today's cartoons suck moose. I'll take Coleridge and
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Trilling over the Yale school
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any day.
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Foucault is dead. AIDS. Mel Blanc is dead. Age.
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Barthes was a big eater. The Tasmanian Devil.
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POSTMODERN FICTION &
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CRITICISM CARTOONS
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------------------------------ --------------------
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"Metafiction," as practiced by I really like when you
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Borges et al, is fiction that see the hand of the cartoonist
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calls attention to itself, never holding the drawing pencil,
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lets the reader forget that it or when the characters step
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is artifice. outside the film.
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Derrida will often use a word and It's also cool when you see
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immediately cross it out to achieve the pencil swoop down and
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a desired effect, a technique he erase the character. I especially
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calls "sous rasure", meaning like when this happens to Daffy
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'under erasure' Duck, and he becomes nothing
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but his mouth(!!)
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None of the works that have been The cartoons I like best, old
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"deconstructed" have ceased to be Tom and Jerry's, Bugs Bunny,
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vital works. For example, Derrida Daffy Duck et al, are still
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deconstructed Freud. Yet Freud's around, and you can usually
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writings are still out there, still find them during Cartoon
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sending messages, still contributing Express from 6-7 on USA, or on TNT.
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to our understanding of the mind, And Nickelodeon, of course.
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and will y Rubble
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Much deconstruction is spent "Be vewwwwy quiet."
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searching for the ever-elusive
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"trace"
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Much deconstruction is spent "If he catches you you're through."
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searching for the ever-elusive
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"trace"
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Barthes is my favorite post- "That Road Runner is really a
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structuralist. crazy clown."
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There is no universal signifier. My pencil is bigger than yours.
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Phallocentricism is old news.
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There are only mis-readings. Shit. The Flintstones are on.
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####===================================================================####
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AMUSEMENTS
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####===================================================================####
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Date: Thu, 9 Jul 1992 19:19 -0500
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From: MATTHEW GREENWOOD <ICMX500@INDYVAX.IUPUI.EDU>
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Subject: Amusements
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Historic Philosophy Related Deaths
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Socrates Substance Abuse
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Plato DeFormation
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Aristotle Plato Envy
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Empedocles Bungee Jumping into a Volcano (we're not kidding)
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Ockham Razor Burn
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Bacon Wrong Chicken {the one that started this thread}
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Descartes Stopped Thinking
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Spinoza Inhaling Glass Shards
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Nietzsche(sic) Syphillus (sic)
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Camus Sisyphus
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Wittgenstein Prostate Cancer
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Schlick Shot by Student
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Bill The Cat All of the Above
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####===================================================================####
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OTISIAN INITIATE RANTINGS
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####===================================================================####
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[This is an extract from one of the epistles which no doubt can be found in
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the Popes extensive archives. Hopefully as time goes on more of these
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illuminating fragments will come to light. Sometimes these fragments can
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become extremely obscure as the writer discusses archain Otisian Dogma.]
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Anyways, I couldn't help but notice there is an illustration of a MASONIC
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CEREMONY labeled "Lee Harvey Oswald, dying, refuses to confess". It's part
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of the CEREMONY when the initiate (forgive me for lacking some of the
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specific details) represents the body of A. and they bury him and what not
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after he was killed.
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Hmm what did I deserve to become a SECOND LEVEL INITIATE? Or did this
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documents just sort of slip out to me? I'm honored though. I didn't even
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know I was A FIRST LEVEL. Then again I suppose WITH A SECRET SOCIETY ONE
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NEVER KNOWS FOR SURE WHO IS WHO.
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I see besides learning about Numerology on the second level one also learns
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about Creiza seeing as you seem to have a BLATANT ERROR in your numerology.
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Since when did 16 == four to the fourth power? Sixteen == two to the fourth
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power. OR IS THIS SOME SECRET I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO MESS WITHOUT UNDERSTAND?
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Have I accidentally stumbled upon some THIRD LEVEL OF INITIATION I should
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never have thought about? Still these things happen I suppose. Messing
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around with the Cabal and messing with computers all day gives one an
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eyeball for mystical figures.
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I suppose I should be a BLIND FOLLOWER and not question these things right?
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Or I'll be cast into a DARK PIT.
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Still maybe further exploration is necessary...let's see. DOBBS== 42.
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Adam's answer to the universe. IS Dobbs THE ANSWER TO LIFE THE UNIVERSE AND
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EVERYTHING? Yet again a clue to you being some kind of Frop Head FRONT.
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[Another of course is that collage you sent me with the half phone
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receivers that mysteriously look like PIPES.] 4 * 2 == 8 == 2 to the 3rd
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power 2+ 3==5 Hmm affiliation with the &i&DISCORDIANS. 10 + 6 == 16 ==
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6 -1 == 5 once again...Hmmmmm curiouser and curiouser.
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Smiting the o from Bob gives b-b. b ==2 o==15 b ==2 15 == 5 + 5 + 5.
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In other words. 3 5's and 2 2's 3+ 2== 5. Hmmm
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Okay enough you get the point I suppose.
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ELVIS...well what more can be said of the super entity. I see I have been
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lied to since some time earlier I believe it was mentioned that ELVIS was
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not a good thing and now here he appears as an avatar of OTIS.
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o == 15 t==20 i==9 s==19 15 +20+ 9+ 19 == 63
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As for the ERISIAN HERESY.....have you ever consider that they
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needed to build no base to the pyramid because the LAW OF FIVES ITSELF
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WAS THE BASE? Those Egyptians were SMART COOKIES they knew they needed no base
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since it was the FIFTH SIDE and it would take care of itself.
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Hmm there's that Cornelius being again...Oh odd. More myths. So LOTUS is a
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great money making power.
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L== 12 o==15 t==20 u==21 s==19 12 +15 +20 +21 +19== 77 Bob DObbs==61 77
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- 61 == 16. As one will recall in your example on our second initiate fact
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sheet 16 was a DOBBS number. Hmm a connection with DOBBS and LOTUS would
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explain the tremendous money making potential of this deity.
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As for the GREEK OTUS myth. Have you considered that storming heaven could
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have been literal?. The ancient OTISIANS were trying to do space travel but
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failed. They probably found some old THULE TECHNOLOGY lying around
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somewhere but it was so old it didn't work right.
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Are the stone FEZZES hollow? What do they contain if they are?
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As for the reality projector. You explained that one to me some time ago so
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I doubt we need to go into further details over it. Still it being part of
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SECOND LEVEL MYSTICAL knowledge means that I might have been SECOND LEVEL
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for some time now. How odd. Wheels within wheels.
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####===================================================================####
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MORE DIVERSIONS
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####===================================================================####
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Date: Thu, 9 Jul 1992 19:37 -0500
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From: MATTHEW GREENWOOD <ICMX500@INDYVAX.IUPUI.EDU>
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Subject: More Diversions
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GORY, GORY
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(a/k/a BLOOD UPON THE RISERS)
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(Sing to the tune of "Battle Hymn of the Republic")
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He was just a rookie trooper and he surely shook with fright
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As he checked all his equipment and made sure his pack was tight;
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He had to sit and listen to those awful engines roar,
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"You ain't gonna jump no more!"
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CHORUS
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Gory, Gory, what a helluva way to die!
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Gory, Gory, what a helluva way to die!
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And he ain't gonna jump no more.
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II
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"Is everybody happy?" asked the sergeant, looking up.
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Our hero feebly answered "Yes," and then they stood him up;
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He jumped right out into the blast, his static line unhooked,
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And he ain't gonna jump no more.
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(CHORUS)
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III
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He counted long, he counted loud, he waited for the shock,
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He felt the wind, he felt the cold, he felt the awful drop;
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He pulled reserve, the silk spilled out and wrapped around his sock.
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And he ain't gonna jump no more.
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(CHORUS)
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IV
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The days he'd lived and loved and laughed kept running through his mind,
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He thought about the girl back home, the one he left behind,
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He thought about the medics and wondered what they'd find,
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And he ain't gonna jump no more.
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(CHORUS)
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V
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The ambulance was on the spot, the jeeps were running wild,
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The medics jumped and howled with glee, rolled up their sleeves and smiled,
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For it had been a week or more since last a 'chute had failed.
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And he ain't gonna jump no more.
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(CHORUS)
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VI
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The lines were twisted round his neck, the connectors broke his dome,
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The risers tied themselves in knots around each skinny bone;
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The canopy became his shroud as he hurtled to the ground.
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And he ain't gonna jump no more.
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(CHORUS)
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VII
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He hit the ground, the sound was "splatt," the blood it spurted high.
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His comrades, they were heard to say: "What a pretty way to die!"
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He lay there rolling around in the welter of his gore,
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And he ain't gonna jump no more.
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(CHORUS)
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VIII
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There was blood upon the risers, there was brains upon the 'chute,
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Intestines were a-dangling from his paratrooper suit;
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They picked him up still in his 'chute and poured him from his boots.
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And he ain't gonna jump no more.
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(CHORUS)
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IX
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They operated all night through but it was in despair,
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For every bone that he possessed was ruined beyond repair;
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And so he was buried then, his silken 'chute his shroud,
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And he ain't gonna jump no more.
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(CHORUS)
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X
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They say he went to heaven and arriving there I'm told
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He got a pair of silver boots and a parachute of gold;
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He may be very happy there but I'll stick here below,
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'Cos he ain't gonna jump no more.
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####===================================================================####
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SAM SPODE
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####===================================================================####
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[If you like this story send fan mail. Maybe you can get an answer out of
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Danielle. Or write if you want more.]
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SAM SPODE: PRIVATE EYE
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#112--The Hand That Rocks the Cradle
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by danielle hammett
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"Sam, some dame's here ta see youse," snapped Laverne, my secretary,
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through her mint flavored gum.
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"Well, what does she want? I don't feel like female company," I
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groused. It was my first day back in the office after a two day bender and
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my mouth felt like something had crawled in there and died. My head was
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pounding out my own funeral march and my teeth were fuzzy. I was not in
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the best of moods.
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"How should I know? Quite a dish, though, I do know that. And I know
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how you like 'em. Blonde sophisticate..but too much eye makeup. Hey!
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Maybe it's the Avon Lady."
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"Oh, you're quite a card, you are, Vernie. Maybe you should be a
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comedian instead of a lowly gal Friday."
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"Aw, ya know I'd miss our witty banter, Sam."
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"Show her in."
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Vicky ducked out of my office.
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"Hey, ya lucked out. Mr. Spode'll see youse."
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"Thank you."
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And then POW! The most luscious tomato I'd seen in my life walked in.
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White blonde hair, big blue eyes (Laverne was right...she had kind of
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overdone the warpaint) and soft red lips. Not to mention a body like Route
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66...long and lean, but with curves in all the right places. Not that she
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dressed to show it off. Nope, this dame was real class...gray tweed suit
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with a skirt that reached mid-calf. Like Vicky had said, a "sophisticate".
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Hell, maybe she WAS the Avon Lady.
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"Mr. Spode?"
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I realized I hadn't stood up when she walked in. My feet were still
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up on my desk, next to the highball glass of raw eggs, tabasco sauce, black
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pepper, and witch hazel which is my own little hangover recipe. I felt like
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a heel, so I gestured for her to sit down in the cracked leather chair
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opposite me.
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"Thank you," she said, sitting down.
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"Don't mind me, I'm just recovering from a bout with the flu,"I
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explained, patting my stomach for emphasis.
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"Yes, I see," she said, eyeing the three-quarters emptied bottle of
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Wild Turkey by my telephone.
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"Ahem. Well, what can I do ya for?"
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She became alert, perching on the edge of her seat and clutching her
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purse like it was gonna run away from her.
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"Mr. Spode. I am a desperate woman. I've been told by people who
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know that you're the only one who can help me..."
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"Now hold on, Dollface. I don't know about that. There's the matter
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of my fee-"
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"Any amount of money you want, it's yours. There are other interests
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besides mine who want this whole sordid episode behind them. I'm sure
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they'll finance anything...anything! To ...to..." her voice cracked as
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she stifled a sob. I dutifully pulled my wrinkled hanky from my jacket
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pocket. The rumpled thing had seen better days but, darn it, so had she.
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She took it, dabbing her blue eyes delicately.
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"I promised myself I wouldn't do this..." she apologized.
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"Now, come on," I tried clumsily to soothe her. "Turn off the
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waterworks. It can't be as bad as all that. Now, try to pull yourself
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together, and-" I was interrupted by a terrifically squishy honk, which
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turned out to be Dollface blowing her nose.
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"And...and..I'll uh.."I had lost my train of thought. "See what I can
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do," I finished as she offered me the now soggy hanky. I shook my head no,
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indicated the wastepaper basket next to my desk.
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"Mr. Spode, I'm really terribly sorry about that little display..."
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"So am I," I said, glancing at my ruined hanky, which had landed with
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a SHPLOK! in my trashcan.
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"I'm simply SO distressed, you can't imagine."
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"Now, suppose we get down to basics," I said, trying to resume a
|
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businesslike manner.
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"Yes, of course. My name is Evelyn Astor. I've come to you to
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|
recover a religious artifact...a STOLEN religious artifact."
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|
"Humph. Somebody hoarked your crucifix. Tried calling your padre?"
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|
"No...it's not a Christian relic."
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"Your copy of the Koran? Your Torah? Your Book of Mormon?"
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"Mr. Spode. The relic is OTISian."
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I was floored. I knew at once why she had come to me...she must have
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|
known about my great-grandfather Hiram Spode, High Priest of OTIS back
|
|
during the failed OTIS revival of the 1830's(see SAM SPODE:PRIVATE EYE
|
|
#4--O What a Tangled Web). She may even know of the rumored relation
|
|
between me and SPODE himself..though this had never actually been
|
|
confirmed.
|
|
"Mr. Spode..." she broke into my reverie,"how much do you know about
|
|
'Humpy the Stumpy Bear'?"
|
|
"Oh, just as much as any 2 year old child knows. She's the Ancient
|
|
Otisian Saint of Spiffyness."
|
|
"And do you know about the famous statue of Stumpy Bear?"
|
|
"Oh, sure..a little. Rumored to have certain curative
|
|
powers...specifically, the transformation of anyone coming in contact with
|
|
it into a person of good taste, values, and character."
|
|
"Now you're quoting the textbook passage. You mean, basically, a
|
|
'spiffy' person."
|
|
"Yeah, right..." slowly, the horrible truth dawned on me. "You don't
|
|
mean-"
|
|
"That's right, Mr. Spode. The Mighty Statue of Stumpy has been
|
|
stolen."
|
|
"But..how...why...?"
|
|
"Certainly, Mr. Spode, you can see the value of an ancient religious
|
|
object d'art which, besides its obvious aesthetic value-"
|
|
It WAS an incredible work of art.
|
|
"-also has the power to render tacky, tasteless people immediately
|
|
'spiffy'."
|
|
"Why, the demand would be enormous! Whoever possesses Stumpy-"
|
|
"Possesses a gold mine," she finished.
|
|
"But...but..." my mind was reeling like a bum high on a can of sterno.
|
|
"How? You may well ask. After all, it was, until recently, in the
|
|
supposedly safe hands of the Reverend John, respected member of Otisian
|
|
hierarchy."
|
|
"The Rev? Why, he's a pillar. A rock. He must've been in hot water
|
|
to have let Stumpy fall into the wrong hands. Did they threaten his
|
|
family? Shove bamboo shoots under his fingernails? Make him listen to
|
|
Liberace records?"
|
|
"Actually, Mr. Spode, he MAILED Stumpy to someone. Quite of his own
|
|
free will."
|
|
" MAILED one of the most important religious objects since the Shroud of
|
|
Turin to someone?? For God's sake, WHY?"
|
|
"Apparently, the person wanted to have his picture taken with Stumpy."
|
|
|
|
I expelled a grunt of air from my lungs in disgust.
|
|
"That was nearly a year ago. Since then, no one has seen Stumpy, nor
|
|
have any pictures been sent to Reverend John..the reward that was to follow
|
|
his sending the statue away. I should say, no one has seen Stumpy, save for
|
|
this mysterious 'shutterbug'."
|
|
"And no clue as to the whereabouts...?"
|
|
"Reverend John knew this man only by a nickname, and the PO box he
|
|
sent Stumpy to is now owned by someone else."
|
|
I was shaking my head, incredulous.
|
|
"Mr. Spode...will you help me?"
|
|
The question was tersely put, but she couldn't hide her emotions. I
|
|
noticed her lower lip quivering ever so slightly.
|
|
"Yeah," I finally said. "Yeah, I will."
|
|
But I'm not doin' this one for you, Dollface, I thought to myself.
|
|
And not even for you, "Bill", meaning the bill collectors who'd soon be
|
|
hounding me again if I didn't get my teeth into a nice juicy case. No,
|
|
sir. I was doin' this one for OTIS.
|
|
|
|
NEXT:
|
|
|
|
SAM SPODE: PRIVATE EYE
|
|
#113--A Bird in the Hand
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
AND STILL MORE WEIRDNESS
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Date: Thu, 9 Jul 1992 20:17 -0500
|
|
From: MATTHEW GREENWOOD <ICMX500@INDYVAX.IUPUI.EDU>
|
|
Subject: Even MORE weirdness
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mathematics Glossary
|
|
|
|
Any student who ever sat or slept through a mathematics course knows that
|
|
certain words and phrases occur very frequently. This glossary might
|
|
eliminate some confusion.
|
|
|
|
When the instructor says He really means
|
|
------------------------ ---------------
|
|
trivial The student might be able to
|
|
do it in three hours or so.
|
|
|
|
simple An "A" student can do it in
|
|
a week or so.
|
|
|
|
easy This topic would make a good
|
|
master's thesis.
|
|
|
|
clear The instructor can do it
|
|
(he thinks).
|
|
|
|
obvious The instructor is sure it is
|
|
in his notes somewhere.
|
|
|
|
certainly The instructor saw one of his
|
|
instructors do it, but has
|
|
completely forgotten how it
|
|
was done.
|
|
|
|
left as an exercise The instructor lost his notes.
|
|
for the student
|
|
|
|
is well known The instructor heard that
|
|
someone once did it.
|
|
|
|
can be shown The instructor thinks it
|
|
might be true, but has no
|
|
idea how to prove it.
|
|
|
|
the diligent student It is an unsolved problem -
|
|
can show probably harder than
|
|
Fermat's Last Theorem.
|
|
|
|
----------
|
|
|
|
TRUSTY TRUISMS AND PRINCIPLES
|
|
|
|
|
|
SEGALS LAW : A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches
|
|
is never sure.
|
|
|
|
FINAGLE'S NEW LAWS OF INFORMATION :
|
|
(1) The information we have is not what we want
|
|
(2) The information we want is not what we need.
|
|
(3) The information we need is not available.
|
|
|
|
DAVID BRINKLEY'S OBSERVATION :
|
|
Stupidity is an almost sovereign force.
|
|
|
|
STRUP'S LAW :
|
|
The importance of any given news event on television is directly
|
|
proportionate to the amount of time remaining after the
|
|
commercials.
|
|
|
|
THE LAWS OF GARDENING :
|
|
(1) Other people's tools work only in other people's yards.
|
|
(2) Fancy gizmos don't work.
|
|
(3) If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
|
|
(4) You get the most out of what you need the least.
|
|
|
|
THE OBSERVATIONS OF ARCHIMEDES G. BELL :
|
|
When a body is immersed in water --- the telephone rings.
|
|
|
|
THE CYNIC'S REFLECTION :
|
|
I'd be a pessimist, but it wouldn't work anyway.
|
|
|
|
KITMAN'S LAW :
|
|
Pure drivel on the TV screen tends to drive off ordinary drivel.
|
|
|
|
MARTHA'S MAXIM :
|
|
If you cast your bread upon the waters, it will return soggy.
|
|
|
|
COMB'S TRUTHS OF MANAGEMENT :
|
|
(1) To err is human; to forgive is not our policy.
|
|
(2) A good manager makes the correct decision on the basis of
|
|
few or no facts.
|
|
(3) Never make a decision until the last possible moment ;
|
|
you may receive new information.
|
|
|
|
SOBEL'S LAW :
|
|
There's no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
|
|
|
|
FELDSTEIN'S LAW :
|
|
Never, ever, play leapfrog with a unicorn.
|
|
|
|
THE POSTMAN'S THEORY :
|
|
Everything in a plain brown wrapper is dirty.
|
|
|
|
THE LAW OF COMPARATIVE PLEASURE :
|
|
Sex : even when it's bad, it's good.
|
|
|
|
THE "ENOUGH ALREADY" LAW :
|
|
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
|
|
|
|
THE JUNK MAIL LAW :
|
|
The mailman bringeth and the trashman taketh away.
|
|
|
|
----------
|
|
[Of course we all know application for living in Kentucky is far less
|
|
regorous than applying even for the most basic of Otisian Initiations.]
|
|
|
|
A P P L I C A T I O N T O L I V E I N K E N T U C K Y
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
|
|
|
|
NAME:___________________________ NICKNAME:__________________________________
|
|
|
|
CB HANDLE:______________________
|
|
|
|
ADDRESS:_________________________________ RFD#:_____________________________
|
|
|
|
DADDY: (If unknown, attach a list of suspects)______________________________
|
|
|
|
MAMA:___________________________ NECK SHADE: ( )Lt.Red ( )Med.Red ( )Dk.Red
|
|
|
|
Number of Teeth Shown In Full Grin: Upper:_____________ Lower:___________
|
|
|
|
Name of Pickup Owned:____________________ Height of Truck:__________________
|
|
|
|
Truck Equipped With:
|
|
( )Gun Rack ( )4-Wheel Drive ( )Confederate Flag ( )Eight Track
|
|
( )Load of Wood ( )Hijacker Shocks ( )Fuzz Buster ( )Toothpick Holder
|
|
( )Mud-Grip Tires ( )Spittoon ( )Mag Wheels ( )Dual CB Antenna
|
|
( )Raccoon Hide ( )Camper Top ( )Big Dog ( )Air Horns
|
|
( )Mud Flaps
|
|
|
|
Number of Empty Beer Cans on Floor Board of Pickup:______________
|
|
|
|
Bumper Stickers:
|
|
( )Eat More Possum ( )Red Man Chewing Tobacco ( )Honk If You're Horney
|
|
|
|
Define the following (You must be 90% Correct):
|
|
1)Grits 6)Red Eye Gravy 11)Tote 16)Pinto Beans
|
|
2)Goobers 7)Sawmill Gravy 12)Poke 17)Cracker
|
|
3)Collards 8)Soppin Syrup 13)Tater 18)Turnip Salad
|
|
4)Side Meat 9)Cobbler 14)Pig Skins 19)Cord
|
|
5)Chitlins 10)Fatback 15)Ramps 20)Hillbilly
|
|
|
|
Favorite Vocals:
|
|
( )Donna Fargo ( )Conway Twitty ( )Hank Williams ( )Porter Waggoner
|
|
( )Loretta Lynn ( )Johnny Cash ( )Tammy Wynette ( )Slim Whitman
|
|
( )George Jones ( )Willie Nelson ( )Box Car Willie
|
|
|
|
Favorite Recreation:
|
|
( )Square Dancin ( )Possum Huntin ( )Skinny Dippin ( )Drankin
|
|
( )Spittin Backy ( )Bull Chip Throwin( )Other
|
|
|
|
Weapons Owned:
|
|
( )Deer Rifle ( )Bird Gun ( )Varmit Rifle ( )Tire Iron
|
|
( )Pick Handle ( )Chain Saw ( )Log Chain
|
|
|
|
Number of Hound Dogs:______________
|
|
|
|
Type: ( )Blue Tick ( )Black & Tan ( )Beagle ( )Red Bone
|
|
|
|
Number of Dogs Named: Red:_____ Blue:_____ Beuford:_____ Barney:_____
|
|
|
|
Cap Emblem:
|
|
( )John Deere ( )Cat ( )Skoals ( )P S R
|
|
( )NAPA ( )Coors ( )Kentucky
|
|
|
|
Number of Weeks Unemployed:_______ Number of Welfare Checks Received:_______
|
|
|
|
Number of Dependents: Legal:______________ Claimed:________________
|
|
|
|
Club Memborships:
|
|
( )KKK ( )NRA ( )Moose ( )VFW
|
|
( )American Legion ( )PTL ( )Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy
|
|
|
|
Length of Legs: Left:__________________ Right:__________________
|
|
|
|
Does your truck contain some part painted with the Official State Color of
|
|
Primer Red?_____________
|
|
|
|
How many cars/trucks do you have jacked up in your front yard?______________
|
|
|
|
How many kitchen appliances (working or not) will you keep on your front
|
|
porch?________________
|
|
|
|
Will you be a part of Kentucky Intelligentals with a measurable IQ?
|
|
( )Yes ( )No ( )Don't know
|
|
|
|
Do you wear mostly double knit polyester with shag?
|
|
( )Yes ( )No ( )Don't know
|
|
|
|
Do you own any shoes?_________ What year did you last purchase shoes?_________
|
|
|
|
Are you married to any of the following?
|
|
( )Sister ( )Cousin ( )Sow Do you know her name?_________
|
|
|
|
Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?__________ How much more?_________
|
|
|
|
Can you sign your name and get it right every time?
|
|
( )Yes ( )No ( )Don't know
|
|
|
|
Have you stayed sober over a whole weekend?
|
|
( )Yes ( )No ( )Don't know
|
|
|
|
Can you count past 10 with your shoes on?
|
|
( )Yes ( )No ( )Don't know
|
|
|
|
Can you count past 21 with your fly up?
|
|
( )Yes ( )No ( )Don't know
|
|
|
|
Medical Information: Do you have at least two of the following?
|
|
( )BO ( )Crabs ( )Head Lice ( )Scabbies
|
|
( )Trench Mouth ( )Runny Nose ( )Bad Breath
|
|
|
|
Do you know any words that have more than four letters?
|
|
( )Yes ( )No ( )Don't know
|
|
|
|
Have you ever taken more than one bath in the same week?
|
|
( )Yes ( )No ( )Don't know
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
AN ANCIENT STORY PART TWO
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
[Here's the second part of that story Dr. Simpson has so generously
|
|
translated for us.]
|
|
|
|
And so Arani came before Lord Rhotos and the Eight Judges of the Dead. And
|
|
behold! The Eight Judges of the Dead snickered for Arani was without any
|
|
covering of any kind, but stern Lord Rhotos saw nothing funny about it.
|
|
And Arani demanded the Kingdom of Rhotos thusly, "Give to me thine kingdom,
|
|
O my brother."
|
|
|
|
And strong Rhotos, pitiless in heart, spake, "What dost thou take me for?
|
|
Nay, I shall not give it to thee nor any other." And the Eight Judges of
|
|
the Dead pronounced a sentence of death upon Arani. And Rhotos turned his
|
|
Eye upon Arani so that Arani shriveled up and became brown and dry like a
|
|
corpse and was hung upon a stake in the center of the court of Rhotos.
|
|
|
|
And a day did pass. And another day did pass. And yet another day did
|
|
pass. And though mortal men may doubt it, another day did pass. Verily,
|
|
in all, four days did pass.
|
|
|
|
Then, on the fourth day, Papsucker, Vizier of the Gods, did go unto the
|
|
court of the Gods and lamented thusly, "Woe unto us! For the pride of
|
|
Arani in desiring Lord Rhotos' kingdom, he has killed and hung Arani on a
|
|
stake in his court. Yea, verily, it has been four days."
|
|
|
|
And Lord Lotus did excuse himself, claiming that he heard his mother,
|
|
rich-haired Phuz, Goddess of soft slumber, calling him to their home on
|
|
Mount Sus. And Lord Spode did have an urgent sacrifice to attend. But
|
|
great Otis, Ruler of all life, spake thusly, "Verily, I say unto you, four
|
|
days is too long. I shall save Arani, my consort, from this dishonorable
|
|
fate."
|
|
|
|
And Otis created four beasts and they were called Vern, Vic, Vince, and
|
|
Vito. And Otis commanded Vern, Vic, Vince, and Vito thusly, "It has been
|
|
four days since my consort has disappeared into the Kingdom of Rhotos.
|
|
Take thee the Bread, Wine, Pasta, and Tomato Paste of Life and get thee
|
|
hence and return Arani unto me."
|
|
|
|
And so Vern, Vic, Vince, and Vito descended into the Kingdom of Rhotos and
|
|
gave the Bread, Wine, Pasta, and Tomato Paste of Life unto Arani. And lo!
|
|
Arani did arise. But the Eight Judges of the Dead were sorely wroth and
|
|
did demand a substitute to take the place of Arani.
|
|
|
|
And so, they went unto Mount Sus, unto the house of rich-haired Phuz,
|
|
Goddess of soft slumber, and her gentle son, Lord Lotus. And they called
|
|
for him to come out but he feared greatly and in no wise would leave the
|
|
safety of his gate.
|
|
|
|
And so, they went unto the temple of Spode on the island of
|
|
Glaspepgligerfnoszicewprat. And they called for him to come out but he
|
|
knew what was up and would not show himself unto them. Instead, he left
|
|
stealthily by a back gate and went unto the palace of Otis.
|
|
|
|
And when he had gone stealthily unto the palace of Otis, ruler of all life,
|
|
Spode spake unto him thusly, "Behold! Arani has taken the kingdom of
|
|
Rhotos away from him and returns in triumph. Even now Arani is choosing
|
|
who shall be the new owner of the kingdom of Rhotos."
|
|
|
|
And so, mighty Otis, ruler of all life, rushed out the door of the great
|
|
palace and made haste unto that place where Arani and the Eight Judges of
|
|
the Dead were. And Otis approached them and spake thusly, "Yea, verily,
|
|
thou must pick me, for I have deserved it!"
|
|
|
|
And so the Eight Judges of the Dead tore mighty Otis, ruler of all life,
|
|
into 8,000 pieces and scattered the 8,000 pieces across all of the earth.
|
|
|
|
And Arani grieved greatly. And Arani spent 44 days and 44 nights seeking
|
|
the bloody parts of Otis. And at the end of that time Arani re-assembled
|
|
the parts and discovered that the head was yet lacking.
|
|
|
|
And Arani sat down and grieved for the head of Otis was not to be found.
|
|
And Spode came upon Arani weeping over the body of Otis and Spode appeared
|
|
unto Arani as a god that had not been seen before. And Spode spake unto
|
|
Arani thusly "O Worshipful Divinity, why dust thou weep?" And Arani, not
|
|
knowing Spode for himself but thinking that this was some new god, spake
|
|
"For 44 days and 44 nights I have searched for the parts of my mate Otis
|
|
but nowhere in sky, in sea, or on land could I find the head of Otis."
|
|
|
|
And Spode spake unto Arani "Verily, I say unto you, do not be overcome by
|
|
grief, for I am a travelling God and I have seen the head of Otis flowing
|
|
down the river Imrana crying for Arani." And Arani was overcome with grief
|
|
and spake "Then the head of Otis is lost forever." And Spode spake unto
|
|
Arani "Nay, it is not so, for I saw where the head of Otis was washed up
|
|
upon the shore and was covered in sand." And Arani spake with great joy "I
|
|
am filled with great joy."
|
|
|
|
And they went unto the place that Spode had spoken of and behold, Spode dug
|
|
into the sand and retrieved a bloody piece of flesh. And Arani was filled
|
|
with great joy. And Spode placed the piece of flesh upon the body of Otis
|
|
and spake words of great power and Otis was raised up.
|
|
|
|
But Arani was filled with great sorrow and wept. And Arani spake "Bitter
|
|
is the cup you have poured for me, Strange God, for the piece of flesh was
|
|
not the head of Otis." Indeed, thusly it had come to pass, the piece of
|
|
flesh was a sexual organ. In this way Otis came to have both types of
|
|
sexual organs, both the male organs and the female organs, but there is no
|
|
head upon the divine shoulders of Otis.
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
BATTLING VAMPIRES
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Date: Mon, 13 Jul 1992 20:58 -0500
|
|
From: MATTHEW GREENWOOD <ICMX500@INDYVAX.IUPUI.EDU>
|
|
Subject: VampFight/weirdness
|
|
Date: Mon, 13 Jul 1992 17:41:46 EST
|
|
From: Leonard T Roberts <ACC00LTR@UNCCVM.BITNET>
|
|
|
|
The following article was published in our local newspaper under the
|
|
title "Police break up 'Vampire' fight":
|
|
|
|
From wire reports
|
|
|
|
NEW YORK - First, it was alligators in the sewers. Now it's vampires in the
|
|
subways. And these vampires bite.
|
|
|
|
Police answering an "assault in progress" call at the East 53rd Street
|
|
station of the Lexington Avenue subway line at 5:10 a.m. EDT Saturday came
|
|
upon a scene too weird even for that time and place.
|
|
|
|
"We saw a crowd, and there were three women fighting with two people dressed
|
|
like Dracula," said Transit Police Officer Neil Hirsch. "We split them apart,
|
|
and the females claimed the vampires were beating them up, and one of them got
|
|
bit."
|
|
|
|
"It was really bizarre."
|
|
|
|
The black-clad brawlers in the ghastly makeup turned out to be a Queens
|
|
roofer and his girlfriend, who were heading home before dawn from a night of
|
|
clubhopping.
|
|
|
|
Transit Police spokesman Al O'Leary said the ersatz Draculas en-Count-ered the
|
|
women near the token booth.
|
|
|
|
The caped clubbers believed the women were men and there was "an exchange of
|
|
one-liners, then insults, which grew into a punch being thrown by the male
|
|
Dracula. Then he bit one woman on her arm," cops said.
|
|
|
|
The token clerk called for police, Police officers arrested Ron Varndel, 20,
|
|
and Kathleen Butler, 23, on a charge of third-degree assault. They were given
|
|
summonses and released.
|
|
|
|
One woman was treated for a bite on her arm, at Bellevue Hospital, and
|
|
released. One of her companions had a bruised nose.
|
|
|
|
"The joke going around here is, 'Were they arrested on a stakeout?" said
|
|
O'Leary.
|
|
|
|
"At first I was thinking, 'I wish I had a cross instead of a gun,'" said
|
|
Hirsch, 25, who has been patrolling subways for two years.
|
|
|
|
It's just one more thing the Democratic convention delegates can write
|
|
home about.
|
|
30
|
|
|
|
C.D.
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
IRON BALLS FOR HEALTH
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
From: ajd@itl.itd.umich.edu (AjD)
|
|
Subject: Steel balls manual
|
|
Date: Sun, 12 Jul 92 21:08:36 GMT
|
|
|
|
"TEDDY" IRON BALL FOR HEALTH made in China
|
|
|
|
Iron Ball for Health is a traditional product renowned at home and
|
|
abroad for a long time. It can date from the Ming Dynasty (1368-1644).
|
|
Originally, the Iron Ball was a solid one, and afterwards it is
|
|
designed hollow with a sounding plate in it. Of a pair of balls, one
|
|
sounds high and the other low. The "Teddy" iron hollow ball for health
|
|
which imitated Jingtailan inherited and developed the ancient,
|
|
traditional handicrafts. It is bright -- colored, hard to wear ,either
|
|
a well work of art or a treasure necessary for the aged to build up
|
|
physical strength and remove diseases.
|
|
Function : According to the Chinese traditional medical theory of
|
|
"Jingluo"(jingluo refers to the main and collateral channels,regarded as
|
|
a network of passages,through which vital energy circulates and along
|
|
which the acupuncture points are distributed) , the ten fingers are
|
|
connected with the heart,that is to say,by means of jingluo the ten
|
|
fingers are connected with the cranial nerve and vital organs of the
|
|
human body,including heart,liver,spleen,lung,kidneys,gall,bladder,
|
|
stomach and intestines,etc. On plucking the iron balls with fingers,the
|
|
balls can stimulate the various acupuncture points on the hand,resulting
|
|
in the unimpededness of circulation of vital energy and blood in the
|
|
body. It can cause the jingluo (channels) unblocked and thorough, the
|
|
vital energy and blood to function in harmony,the muscles nimble,the
|
|
bones strong, the mind sober,can invigorate the circulation of blood,and
|
|
can prevent and cure hypertension and various chronic diseases. If you
|
|
keep on taking exercise everyday for months and years,you can get the
|
|
fine results of keeping your brain in good health with high intelligence
|
|
and good memory, relieving your fatigue,drowning your worries,and
|
|
moreover,prolonging your life.
|
|
Usage: When taking exercise,put two iron balls on your palm, crook
|
|
and stretch the five fingers in sequence to cause the balls to rotate
|
|
and revolve,either clockwise or counter -- clockwise. In so doing,all
|
|
the joints of the hand are always in motion ; and with the crooking and
|
|
stretching of the fingers,the forearm muscles are contracted and relaxed
|
|
harmonically. At first,you may select balls of small size for exercise;
|
|
and when skilled,you can select balls larger and larger in size.Your two
|
|
hands may practise in alternation,and three or four balls may be put on
|
|
the palm at the same time for showing a variety of figures.
|
|
Maintenance:The ball is made of metal. There is chromium, titanium
|
|
or Jingtailan were gilded covered the iron hollow ball to decorate which
|
|
should be kept dry and clean and prevented from violent collision.
|
|
|
|
AjD
|
|
the "teddy" logo is cute.
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
SweetTarts(TM)
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Date: Wed, 15 Jul 92 20:30:31 MDT
|
|
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
|
|
From: dtasman@NMSU.Edu
|
|
Subject: SweetTarts (TM)
|
|
From: mikkelson@breakr.enet.dec.com (snopes)
|
|
Subject: SweeTARTS
|
|
Date: 8 Jul 92 18:12:04 GMT
|
|
|
|
Having nothing better to do than to write annoying letters to various
|
|
companies, I recently dashed off a letter to Sunline Brands, the manufacturers
|
|
of SweeTARTS candy. Reproduced below are my letter and their response:
|
|
|
|
|
|
[ADDRESS DELETED]
|
|
Sunline Brands
|
|
Sunmark Inc.
|
|
St. Louis, MO 63111
|
|
|
|
Dear Sunline:
|
|
|
|
As I am allergic to most products containing salicylic acid, I
|
|
recently stopped by my local pharmacy in search of some aspirin-free
|
|
headache medicine. Your brightly-colored box caught my eye at the checkout
|
|
counter, so I decided to give your product a try. Although the price of
|
|
your product was quite reasonable, and I suffered none of the nasty side
|
|
effects I usually endure when I take aspirin-containing products, I am
|
|
sorry to have to report that I found "SweeTARTS" to be totally ineffective
|
|
as a pain reliever. Part of this failure may stem from the fact that your
|
|
box contains no dosage information. I initially tried one tablet every 4
|
|
to 6 hours, and when that dose proved ineffectual, I increased it to two
|
|
tablets for each 4 to 6 hour period. I reluctantly refrained from taking
|
|
any more tablets after I had ingested 8 of them in a 24-hour period, out of
|
|
fear of a possible overdose, even though my headache persisted unabated.
|
|
Either I did not follow the proper dosage, or the active ingredient in your
|
|
tablets has little effect on me. The label on the box does not
|
|
specifically mention which ingredients are the active ones, but as I have
|
|
not found artificial flavoring and coloring to be effective pain relievers
|
|
in the past, I am assuming the active ingredients are Dextrose and
|
|
Maltodextrin. I would be most interested in any information you could
|
|
provide to document the effectiveness of these chemicals in the temporary
|
|
relief of headache pain.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Regards,
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
________________________
|
|
David Mikkelson
|
|
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
|
|
Sunline Brands
|
|
|
|
June 26, 1992
|
|
|
|
[address deleted]
|
|
|
|
Dear Mr. Mikkelson:
|
|
|
|
Thank you for your recent letter about our product. SweeTARTS(R) is a candy
|
|
product and is not an aspirin-free pain reliever.
|
|
|
|
It can be consumed in amounts normal with any candy. Dextrose is a sugar
|
|
derived from corn. Maltodextrin is a corn syrup solid. Neither ingredient
|
|
has any headache pain relieving claim.
|
|
|
|
Enclosed is a coupon good for any of Sunline Brands' candy products. We are
|
|
proud of the taste and quality of our products; please enjoy the candy.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Sincerely,
|
|
|
|
|
|
Tim Skouby
|
|
Quality Control Manager
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
DR. BRONNER'S ADVICE
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
From: ajd@itl.itd.umich.edu (AjD)
|
|
Subject: Dr. bronner's medical advice and love poetry
|
|
Date: Fri, 17 Jul 92 01:59:13 GMT
|
|
|
|
|
|
"12th FROM DR. BRONNER'S PEPPERMINT OIL SOAP LABELS
|
|
|
|
"12th: Essene Birth-Controls prevent unraised-unemployable Birth! Instead,
|
|
God's Law prevents conception 100% below pH3. Essenes 400 years used
|
|
rosehips, pH2. Absolute clean, apply vaseline-oil-butter or cream. Insert
|
|
tsp. juicy lemon pulp, pH2. Next day douche with quart soapy water, pH8,
|
|
restoring pH5 balance God-made! Who else but God gave man this sensuous
|
|
passion! Love that can spark mere dust to life! Beauty in our Eternal
|
|
Father's fashion! Ecstasy far above Earthy greediness & strife! Poetry,
|
|
uniting All-One, brave, all life! Like a beacon breaking thru dark clouds
|
|
that pass, your deep embrace, your sensuous kiss! Who else but God can
|
|
make Love last 1 trillion years of sweet eternities! For when conquered
|
|
after years of toil, sweat, blood, Love can strike like greased lightning
|
|
sent by God, to spark mere dust to intense blazing fire & create new
|
|
Love-faith-hope-guts-strength, as only God inspire! Unite the whole Human
|
|
race in All-One-God-Faith, as all mankind desire! (Dr. Bronner's Almond
|
|
Soap Quarts teach 26 verses 'How to Love', unitied All-One above! Above!
|
|
Essene Scrolls $2 or 10 $10)."
|
|
|
|
AjD
|
|
shonen knife
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
YAK SHAVING DAY
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
From: Michael.Canode@f440.n226.z1.FIDONET.ORG (Michael Canode)
|
|
Subject: The Legend Of "Yak Shaving Day"
|
|
Date: Tue, 14 Jul 92 06:28:34 EST
|
|
|
|
I did a little research recently, trying to find out where "Yak Shaving Day"
|
|
really came from, and how the current customs of its celebration originated.
|
|
Here's what I discovered (mostly derived from the 1989 edition of the
|
|
"Encyclopaedia Tincannica"):
|
|
-----
|
|
The holiday of "Yak Shaving Day" (aside from its obvious connection with yaks
|
|
shaving) is more correctly identified as "Joek Schiven Day", in honor of the
|
|
historic Danish folk hero of the same name.
|
|
The story begins about 200 000 years ago, when the then-small village of
|
|
Copenhagen was ruled by the hated "Boegermeister" dynasty. The worst of the
|
|
lot was the forty-fifth Boegermeister, "Hans The Bellicose": who, aside from
|
|
his extreme bellicosity, was always fond of arbitrarily declaring things
|
|
illegal for the population at large, while maniacally guarding those same
|
|
things for himself.
|
|
Enter at this point, Joek Schiven: an artificer in metals with penchant for
|
|
inventing things, and a passion for liberty. While most of the people of
|
|
Copenhagen endured the rule of the Boegermeisters in silence, Joek Schiven
|
|
decided to take action, in the hope of arousing the populace to revolt.
|
|
Schiven's first action was taken when Hans The Bellicose declared that no
|
|
children under the age of five should be seen in public, while his wife would
|
|
proudly drive through town in the family haywain, with their quintuplets
|
|
riding in the rear.
|
|
Joek Schiven's response: He collected all the soiled diapers in town, broke
|
|
into the Boegermeister's castle and nailed them to the walls of the Great
|
|
Hall.
|
|
--
|
|
Hans The Bellicose was enraged at this affront, but was unable to find out who
|
|
the perpetrator was. This did not change his attitude, so he went on as
|
|
before. A few months later, Hans decreed that no garden in Copenhagen would
|
|
contain cabbage (excepting, of course, his own, with its 60-centimeter heads
|
|
of "Prussian Green Gold" cabbage).
|
|
Joek Schiven's response: He broke in the castle again, bringing with him a
|
|
barrel of mayonnaise. He cut up the cabbages, mixed them with the mayonnaise
|
|
and filled every pair of boots in the castle with the resulting mixture.
|
|
--
|
|
The Boegermeister was beginning to perceive that all was not well in his
|
|
domain, but still was unwilling to admit where the fault lied. It was at this
|
|
point, that the historians agree that Hans The Bellicose made his
|
|
quintessential mistake. He declared that Copenhagen would be free of pets. And
|
|
of course, there was that one exception: the Boegermeister's own prized
|
|
Carpathian Bearded Yak, housed in the royal stable.
|
|
Joek Schiven's response: He broke into the stable, took the yak out (who had
|
|
been treated badly by the Boegermeister, and was grateful to be walking on
|
|
grass for a change), put it in a logbark canoe and floated it down the Spum
|
|
River.
|
|
--
|
|
At that point, Hans The Bellicose had had enough. He resigned the
|
|
Boegermeisterhood, packed up his family and left town, hearing behind him the
|
|
cheers of the townspeople as they saw their hated monarch taking it on the
|
|
lam.
|
|
-----
|
|
Now: as to why that yak sails from bathroom to bathroom on his enchanted
|
|
canoe, there is a simple explanation.
|
|
The yak knows that one day it might meet Joek Schiven, the man who freed both
|
|
it and the village of Copenhagen... and it wants to look good should the
|
|
occasion arise.
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
PSALM OF BUSH
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
From: Lydia Fish <FISHLM%SNYBUFVA.BITNET@VM1.NoDak.EDU>
|
|
Subject: Election Year Folklore
|
|
|
|
Subject: President Bush
|
|
Psalm of Bush
|
|
|
|
|
|
Bush is my shepherd, I shall not want.
|
|
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
|
|
He restoreth my doubt in the republican party.
|
|
He guideth me to the path of unemployment for the party's sake.
|
|
I do not fear evil for thou art against me.
|
|
Thou annointest my wages with freezes,
|
|
So that my expenses runneth over my income.
|
|
Surely poverty and hard living shall follow the Republican party.
|
|
And I shall live in a rented house forever.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
5,000 years ago Moses said, "Park your camel, pick up your shovel,
|
|
mount your ass, and I shall lead you to the promised land."
|
|
|
|
5,000 years later Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovel,
|
|
sit on your ass, light up your Camel; this is the promised land."
|
|
|
|
Today Bush will tax your shovel, sell your camel, kick your ass,
|
|
and tell you there is no promised land.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
P.S. I'm glad that I am an American.
|
|
I'm glad that I am free.
|
|
But I wish I was a puppy,
|
|
And Bush was a tree.
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
DWI PENELTIES
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
From: ldoering@engin.umich.edu (Laurence Doering)
|
|
Subject: Another urban legend spotted!
|
|
Date: Tue, 07 Jul 92 01:11:54 EDT
|
|
|
|
Methods Of Handling Drinking Drivers In Other Parts Of The World
|
|
|
|
[These seem relatively plausible.]
|
|
|
|
Norway: Twenty-one day prison term and from 1-10 years loss
|
|
of drivers's license.
|
|
|
|
Finland: Manual labor for one to six months.
|
|
|
|
USSR: Permanent loss of license.
|
|
|
|
[These seem slightly off the wall.]
|
|
|
|
Malaya: The drunk person is jailed. If he is married, his wife
|
|
is jailed also.
|
|
|
|
South Africa: Ten years in jail and $2,000 fine.
|
|
|
|
Turkey: Drunk person is taken 20 miles from home and made
|
|
to walk home.
|
|
|
|
[And, the ones you've all been waiting for...]
|
|
|
|
San Salvador [sic] EXECUTION BY FIRING SQUAD.
|
|
|
|
Country Unknown: Convicted driver is BRANDED on the forehead with a big A.
|
|
Feeling is that of the individual being unable to control
|
|
his intake of alcohol so they take the decision of his/her
|
|
drinking out of their hands. This country will punish
|
|
anybody caught giving or selling such an individual any
|
|
beverage containing "ethyl alcohol."
|
|
|
|
Now, "USSR" is excusable, since it's been less than a year. There hasn't
|
|
been a country called "Malaya" since the late 40's, though. I also find
|
|
it a bit peculiar that South Africa imposes a fine that equals exactly
|
|
$2,000 (it would be 5,600 Rand), and that Turkey makes drunk drivers
|
|
walk 32.18 kilometers home.
|
|
|
|
I've heard the bit about drunk drivers being shot in El Salvador before,
|
|
but the "Country Unknown" penalty is a new one. For sheer stupidity and
|
|
total lack of documentation, I'd say the Washtenaw County court system
|
|
deserves a big bouquet of Shergolds.
|
|
|
|
Larry "you won't catch *me* driving drunk in Country Unknown" Doering
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
FUTURE PREDICTIONS
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
From: mmm@cup.portal.com (Mark Robert Thorson)
|
|
Subject: Ordinary Life in the 21st Century
|
|
Date: Wed, 22 Jul 92 22:15:17 PDT
|
|
|
|
BEDS -- Bedrooms will disappear as the Murphy bed makes a comeback in the
|
|
form of a thin flat plate which folds down from the wall and expands into a
|
|
smart foam. It molds itself to your body, senses anatomical landmarks
|
|
which allow it to determine the position of all your bones, and applies
|
|
pressure to subtly push your skeleton into a position optimal for resting
|
|
each joint (especially the spine). It gradually moves your body around, to
|
|
rotate the pressure among the various positions your body can take.
|
|
Room-temperature superconducting SQUID magnetometers read your brainwaves,
|
|
and the bed produces an appropriate reaction. A dial on the side of the bed
|
|
allows you to adjust the "liveliness" of the bed, ranging from the
|
|
imperceptibly slow motion of "senior citizen mode" to the wild and crazy
|
|
"teenage wet dream mode".
|
|
|
|
CHRISTMAS TREES--As Christians become more and more ignorant of the
|
|
historical origins of their religion, Christmas and New Year's Day will
|
|
merge into a single holiday, the highlight of which will be the burning of
|
|
the Christmas tree. A really authentic traditional Christmas tree burning
|
|
will consist of igniting a dried-out pine sapling using high-wattage
|
|
incandescent bulbs or candles tied to the branches. The Red Devil
|
|
fireworks company will sell a complete ready-to-go Christmas tree for
|
|
people who would sacrifice a little authenticity in order to have a really
|
|
good pyrotechnic show. (As a salute to tradition, it comes in a box shaped
|
|
like a suburban house, which is consumed as the display runs its course.)
|
|
|
|
HEALTH FADS -- The next big fad will be zero-gauss chambers, i.e. mu-metal
|
|
cabinets designed to exclude all magnetic fields. All sorts of grand claims
|
|
will be made for these metal coffins which shield a person from
|
|
electromagnetic radiation. Some of these claims are real, but they are a
|
|
consequence of the way in which it acts as a sensory-deprivation chamber,
|
|
rather than any electromagnetic effect on the body.
|
|
|
|
MUSIC -- Continuing the trend toward minimalizing engagement of cerebral
|
|
cortical neurons, Rap music will be supplanted by Wap music, which
|
|
preserves the rhythm and percussion of Rap but dispenses with the semantic
|
|
content. The #1 Wap music song of the year 2000 is: AP AP AP KAP KAP KAP
|
|
KANG KANG KANG ANG ANG ANG. It is the hit song of the top-rated group
|
|
AEIOU.
|
|
|
|
SUBTRACTIVE DRUGS -- A new category of drugs will be molecules which bind
|
|
and inactivate organic molecules, much in the way that chelates bind to
|
|
inorganic molecules. By removing specific molecules, such as the brain
|
|
hormones released in response to stress, a whole new set of drug therapies
|
|
will be developed. Unlike the "additive" drugs we have today, which add a
|
|
substance to the chemical ecology of the body, these "subtractive" drugs
|
|
will have very few side effects, no overdose capability, and no tolerance
|
|
effect. They may, however, be addictive.
|
|
|
|
OLYMPIC GAMES -- Once it becomes possible to use nanomachines to build
|
|
human tissue indistinguishable from natural tissue, the Olympic committee
|
|
will have to surrender their taboos on human- enhancement technology.
|
|
Future Olympics will consist entirely of games which make direct neural
|
|
connection to the brain. Victory will go not to the largest muscles, but
|
|
to the finest-grained control, fastest reflexes, and most precise feedback.
|
|
The contestants will be evaluated in virtual reality, presenting identical
|
|
conditions of wind, track, etc. to each athlete.
|
|
|
|
PSYCHIC POWER -- Implanted receivers will allow people to sense and
|
|
interpret the electromagnetic fields produced by brainwaves in other
|
|
people's head, providing a form of psychic power. People with sufficient
|
|
familiarity with each other's brainwaves, such as a married couple, will
|
|
actually have a form of telepathy. This technology will be smoothly
|
|
integrated with New-Age belief systems, resulting in one or two generations
|
|
of very confused people.
|
|
|
|
CLOTHING -- Smart clothing will sense the thoughts of both the wearer and
|
|
people in the nearby vicinity. For example, if a flirtatious girl catches
|
|
the attention of a horny guy, the clothing will sense that and make
|
|
appropriate adjustments. If he mentally undresses her, she could suddenly
|
|
find herself wearing a skimpy bikini in public!
|
|
|
|
PSYCHOSURGERY -- Temporary and permanent lobotomies will be performed by
|
|
tiny remote-control valves injected into the blood stream, which lodge
|
|
themselves in cerebral arteries to slow or stop blood flow into selected
|
|
regions of the cerebral cortex. Initially used for psychiatric treatment
|
|
of criminals and the mentally disturbed, the technology will "leak out"
|
|
into the recreational drug mainstream. The principal abuse will be
|
|
destruction of certain thalmo-frontal tracts in order to create a permanent
|
|
state of euphoria. (If you don't believe this is possible, see
|
|
_Psychosurgery_ by Freeman and Watts, 2nd edition, Charles C. Thomas, 1950,
|
|
pg. 151-152. I disagree with the cause speculated in that text, and I
|
|
think the potential for this condition exists in all brains.)
|
|
|
|
SOCIAL SECURITY -- Because of the demographic size of the baby boom
|
|
generation and the raised political consciousness of that generation, they
|
|
will control the U.S. As they become eligible to receive Social Security
|
|
benefits (beginning around the turn of the century), Social Security will
|
|
become an even greater sacred cow than it is today. I know that is hard to
|
|
imagine, but it is inevitable. Government policy will enslave the
|
|
post-baby-boomers to finance Social Security.
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
MESSENGER OF THE GODS
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
[As you may recall in the last episode, our heroes were just about to face
|
|
certain doom by being married to a couple of horrible inbred girls who's
|
|
favorite past time was popping bubble packing.]
|
|
|
|
"Dearly Beloved--Better hold her up a bit straighter there Festus Jr. it is
|
|
her wedding day. Vasoline and Gasoline smile. Let's see those big beautiful
|
|
teeth of yours. Your husbands have really gotten quite a find-- we are
|
|
gathered here--" The preacher stopped abruptly as a fishing pool poked out
|
|
of thin air and knocked his hat off.
|
|
|
|
"You hoo!" yelled the voice of Elvis out of thin air. The Man in Black and I
|
|
looked at each other. Maybe we'd be saved. Several men, thinking fast, which
|
|
was amazing for such inbred brains, leapt forward and grabbed the pool and
|
|
pulled hard.
|
|
|
|
"Shoot! Let go!" cried Elvis as he suddenly got pulled out of thin air. A
|
|
rope was wrapped around his waist. His guitar was across his back.
|
|
|
|
Our captors gasped. The preacher dropped his bible.
|
|
|
|
"Elvis!" they all cried.
|
|
|
|
Elvis looked around bewilder for a moment and wiped his forehead with an old
|
|
gas station rag. He caught sight of us and smiled. "Howdy. I guess I got
|
|
luckily."
|
|
|
|
Several of the men dropped to their knees in awe. The preacher quickly
|
|
stooped to pickup his bible. Vasoline and Gasoline began to scream
|
|
uncontrollably like teenie boppers from the sixties. The Man in Black and I
|
|
cringed at the din. Hoping no one was looking Festus Jr. gave the woman in
|
|
the leather trenchcoat a grope.
|
|
|
|
"Uh what gives?" Elvis asked me. He scratched his head and adjusted the guitar
|
|
on his back.
|
|
|
|
"Can you get us back to the submarine?" I asked. Before the King of Rock and
|
|
Roll could reply he was jerked back sharply by the rope around his was.
|
|
|
|
"Doggone it Mabuto!" yelled Elvis clawing at the rope around his waist. I took
|
|
it as a sign that we could get back.
|
|
|
|
"Quick follow the rope!" I yelled. I grabbed hold of the rope that lead into
|
|
thin air. I tried to run forward using the rope as a handrail only to have my
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way blocked by one of our faster thinking captors. He menaced me with a shot
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gun. He grinned exposing rotten teeth that looked like tombstones in a grave
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yard.
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"Yuck!" yelled Elvis in horror as if he'd stepped in a pile of dog poo. I
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turned to see what he'd yelled about to discover Gasoline and Vasoline
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crawling all over him like out of control weasels. The Man in Black had
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produced some sort of disposable handy wipe and was trying to scrub the
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Vasoline drool off his face and lapels. The woman in the trench coat lay on
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the floor in a ragdoll heap. Festus Jr. had abandoned her to prance around
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Elvis like then angels are supposed to prance around God.
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"Leggo! I'm the King dammit! I don't have to take this!" Hastily he unlumbered
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his guitar and grabbed its neck like a club.
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"Stop it!" yelled the mother. We all stopped. She had this forceful
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motherness in her voice that caused us to instantly obey because of our
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evolutionary programming. "Not one of you critters move!" she ordered
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motioning for our captors to cover us. The priest was to one side on his
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knees trying to pray and thumb through his bible for an exorcism ritual at
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the same time. Vasoline and Gasoline looked at their mother with big puppy
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dog eyes. Festus stopped his prancing and toed the woman in the woman in
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the trench coat. She was out cold. Her face was swelled up where he's hit
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her. I think some of her teeth were missing.
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"Is you really Elvis? The King?" asked the mother of Vasoline and Gasoline
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wagging a bony finger at Elvis who was still making faces at all the drool that
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was on him. Slowly he lowered his guitar and tried to gather himself together.
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He seemed to grow taller and more handsome.
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"Yes ma'am. I am Elvis," said Elvis arch enemy of the AntiChrist striking
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one of his classic poses and wiggling his hips. Vasoline and Gasoline
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screamed and clutched at themselves.
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The Mother unphased by Elvis' mesmerizing antics said: "Well then, you just go
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with Vasoline and Gasoline into my bedroom and give us some of those Love
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Children we are always hearing about."
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####===================================================================####
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THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
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####===================================================================####
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--Subink 1992
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