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SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
####========================================================####
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 2, 38
####========================================================####
"One year and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
still going strong"
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
####===================================================================####
INTRO
####===================================================================####
Gadzooks, another late issue of Purps. Well, this time I have some honest to
OTIS excuses. See, last weekend we had to make this project work for this
silly study and it had to be bullet proof. After all, it was going to be
done by rug rats and we know how they don't seem to be able to follow
directions very well. Then, the weekend before that we had a major disk
crash and it took 20 hours to fix. Then the weekend before that I spend
helping the phone company folks rewire my phone system. Sheesh!
Well here it is. Let's hope I have time to finish editing this before some
other unearthly crisis sticks!
Hmm, sad to say you might be slightly disappointed at this issue. There's no
"Messenger of the Gods" serial nor any other serials for that matter. I'm
sure there must be one among you would like to start a grass roots movement
to put a bee in a few bonnets so they'd finish up their serials.
The second disappointment, is the infamous Dr. Simpson sent me another
large set of contributions. However, they have footnotes in them so I need
to figure out how to translate them out to some plain readable form. Have
no fear faithful readers! I will get around to it.
On a happy note, we do have more from the Pope himself. Yippie!
Other than that, I hope issues of Purps will start coming out more
regularly now that the semester is over for me. I should have more time to
devote to this most amusing and wonderful holy publication.
Hmm, the OTISian Directory is out as well. You should pick yourself up a
copy it's pretty neat if I do say so myself. See the Pope's message for
further details.
Summer is also approaching. If you are leaving the net or moving around, or
something of that nature, please let me know. I have enough trouble as is
with our silly mailer (which I hope well will stop using in the near
future) that I don't need to wade through tons of bounced mail messages.
Lately we've also had quite a few new subscribers. Welcome aboard!
Hopefully you'll all be great OTISians very soon. Some even are striving
to join the mysterious Knights of Otis of song and story.
####===================================================================####
SECRETS ABOUT THE ENTERPRISE
####===================================================================####
Date: Fri, 13 Mar 92 15:40:24 MST
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
From cshort@NMSU.Edu Fri Mar 13 15:35:47 1992
Subject: this is not your father's spleen
Status: R
Scragged from the star trash feeds:
the TOP TEN secrets about the Enterprise and its crew
-----------------------------------------------------
10) All routine maintenance on the ship is done by Oompa-Loompas
9) Dr. Pulaski was sealed alive in a seldom used Jefferies tube by Data
after she insulted him one too many times
8) Riker's parents were Nazis, his middle initial "T" stands for "Third"
7) Troi starts all counseling sessions with male crewmembers by asking
"So, is that a phaser rifle in your pocket, or are you just glad to
see me?"
6) Before joining Starfleet, Jean-Luc Picard was a Chippendale's dancer
5) "Worf" is Klingonese for "pinhead"
4) Riker amuses himself by signing all reports with the abbreviation
"F. Off."
3) Geordi is taking a shuttlecraft apart and mailing it home piece by piece
2) Picard is Wesley's father
1) Due to a time travel accident, Wesley is Picard's father
Attention top ten fans: the next list will be posted this Friday,
since I will be on vacation next Monday.
####===================================================================####
ALIEN INVASION
####===================================================================####
Date: Fri, 20 Mar 1992 15:25 EST
From: GARBETT@utkvx.utk.edu
Subject: ET
Here's a great one I just read in a GIS journal. There's a Swedish sect
(that's what the journal used) who are lobbying for the creation of an
extraterrestrial embassy. They say that they have seen extraterrestrials
and could best represent them to the International Community.
Do I detect the onslaught of a group of X-ists impending??????
[Perhaps this somehow ties in with the Pope mentioning the flap of UFO's in
southern Florida.
Do keep in mind though that Xists aren't the only ones after our poor
wretched planet. Perhaps our planet is like a puck in a giant hockey game,
but instead of two teams there are thousands. Kinda makes us earthlings
feel special don't it knowing we're being fought over by lots of slimey bug
eyed monsters from beyond the edge of the solar system.]
Cyber Garp Clone #77
####===================================================================####
COMPREHENSIVE EXAMINATION
####===================================================================####
[Of course this exam is no where near as comprehensive as the one given out
to the Knights of Otis, or even the ones given to some of the inner circle
initiates of OTISianism.]
Date: Mon, 23 Mar 1992 04:02 -0500
From: Count Zero <ICMX500@INDYVAX.IUPUI.EDU>
Subject: Exam
Ever have an exam like this?
COMPREHENSIVE EXAMINATION
The following comprehensive examination has been prepared for the entire
University. Take only that part that pertains to the department in which
you are currently enrolled. If any doubt about this exists, please consult
the proctor.
Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer completely, and
legibly.
Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.
ASTRONOMY:
Describe the universe. Give three examples.
BIOLOGY:
Several culture dishes have been left in the room. Create life. Document
your findings. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if
this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special
attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System.
Prove your thesis.
ECONOMICS:
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the
possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist
Controversy, and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing
these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view.
Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your
answer to the previous part of the question.
ENGINEERING:
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your
desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10
minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever
action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.
EPISTEMOLOGY:
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.
HISTORY
Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day,
concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and
Africa. Be brief, concise and specific. Be sure to include in your
analysis a thorough description of all relevant personalities in the
Christian, Muslim, and Jewish intellectual traditions, as well as a brief
but comprehensive description of their ideas. It is also suggested that
you include in your answer an analysis of the military tactics of the Holy
Roman Empire and the Papal forces in all wars fought against the Turkish
and Mongol armies.
MEDICINE:
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle
of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been
inspected.
When you finish reading these instructions, a test tube will be dropped
into the room from outside. This test tube contains a highly lethal strain
of bubonic plague bacilli which are believed to kill their host within 2
hours. You are required to discover a cure for this disease using the A.
C. Gilbert chemistry set at your desk before your two hours are up.
MUSIC:
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum.
You will find a piano under your seat.
A Hohner Marine Band harmonica and several sheets of music manuscript paper
have been left on your desk. Compose and orchestrate an opera for six
leading singers (two sopranos, one tenor, one baritone, two bassos) and a
100-piece orchestra which includes not only the standard orchestral
instruments but also a Chinese p'ipa and wax-paper kazoo.
PHYSICS:
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the
impact of the development of mathematics on science.
An activated thermonuclear device is concealed somewhere in the examination
area. It has a force of approximating 5 megatons, and is set to detonate
between 10 minutes and an hour from now. Locate and defuse this weapon.
Be sure to keep accurate notes of your experiments.
PHILOSOPHY:
Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance.
Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
Describe the history of the concept of God in all relevant Western and
Eastern traditions.
POLITICAL SCIENCE:
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III.
Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.
PSYCHOLOGY:
On the table before you are the following: - A disassembled Winchester .457
hunting rifle. - Some black powder, a lead slug, and an empty shell casing.
- A screwdriver. In 3 minutes, the door will open and a hunger-crazed
Siberian tiger will be admitted to the room. Take any steps you deem
appropriate, being sure to keep a record of your psychological reactions
throughout the process. Points will be awarded only if thorough notes are
submitted at the end of the examination.
Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability,
degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following:
Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, and Hammurabi. Support your evaluation
with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is
not necessary to translate.
PUBLIC SPEAKING:
2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may
use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
SOCIOLOGY:
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the
world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
####===================================================================####
THE ROBING OF DAVID ZECCHIN
####===================================================================####
[Once again we received a fine submission of literary merrit from the
infamous Wombat. Keep up the good work! In this installment she let's us
see some of the sacred inner workings of OTISian ceremony]
Date: 23 Mar 92 10:46:00 EST
From: "Wombat" <HILLV@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: submit! Submit!
The Robing of David Zecchin (Saint of Something or other)
(As observed by an innocent bystander)
Scene: Caples Closet--er, Suite 4D. The plimp-plick-beep sounds of Nintendo
fill the room. Cressler and Zecchin, drool falling from their jaws, have
taken a short recess from their Ladder Climbing Mario lifestyle to allow
James to destroy the world.
time: 4:49 PM EDT, March 17, 1992
Wombat (Innocent Bystander and Fearless Narrator): [pokes head in the
doorway and looks pointedly at her wristwatch] FOOOOOOOD!
St. James (Failed Pimp to the Archbishop Chad): [decimates the last of the
little piggies and puts the control board down] Sure, Vic. So, Zeck, are
you coming to dinner??
St. David (Saint of Some Strange Title) [looks hopefully at the control
board James just put down]: Naw. I have a meeting soon. I think I'll just
play another couple of rounds before I go.
The Cressler (recently engaged Art Major): Aw, C'mon, Dave. You need fresh
air! A change of scene! The delicious mostly non-toxic food substitute that
ARA serves us will do wonders for your score.
Wombat [in the tradition of her Shakespeare class, makes an aside, noticed
only by the audience and lending deeper significance to the plot]: But
Cressler _hates_ ARA. What's going on?? Perhaps I need another cup of
coffee.
Scene: On the way to the charming North End Dining Establishment of Gund.
Time: 4:55 PM EDT (still March 17, 1992)
Chad (Arch-Bishop) [flings self off the McBride patio and onto the path
beside the characters already mentioned]: Hey.
James: Oh, Chad, I love your sexy, deep, gravely voice. You should get sick
like this more often.
Chad [makes threatening gesture toward his roommate]: So where's Dave?
James: Um, um....[begins to cringe]
Wombat: I think he said he had a meeting. Maybe he'll join us later.
Chad: Good. It's time to invest the boy.
Wombat: Invest?
Chad: Scott sent his robes. Boy do I feel like I got off the hook easy....
Scene: The traditional 4C table (under the window by the tea bag tree)
time: 5:08 PM EDT (still March 17, 1992)
Lindsey: I'm going back inside for more popcorn. Anyone want anything?
Wombat [eyes empty cups on her tray]: Coffee??
Shane: Food?
Eric: I keep telling you, Shane, ARA only makes mostly non-toxic food
substitute. By the way, did you know that if you threw this bowl of Miner's
Stew off the top of Caples the electrons would become displaced and
[Bill places a large wad of bread between Eric's teeth, temporarily
rerouting the conversation onto less intellectual subjects.]
Zecchin [sits down with heavily loaded tray]: Hi guys. Look, I'm the
fourteenth person to sit at the table!
Theresa: Who wouldst betray thee, oh Zeck?
Jenn: Betray?
Becke: Sorry, I'm not in the mood right now.
James: Surely not I, Lord.
Shane: Depends--how much will you pay me?
Gary: Oh, we're all just so funny today.
Chad [eyes having lit up at the sight of Zeck]: Oh. Um. St. AnnaLisa of
Tetris, would you mind getting me the robe....I mean, would you mind
getting me one of ARA delectable dinner rolls?
{ Conversation continues along the betrayal theme. Zeck suggests that
someone write this up and send it to Mal for a future Purps issue. Knowing
what is about to befall the soon-to-be-frocked Saint, threats of force and
coffee depravation are used to coerce the Wombat to agree. }
[St. AnnaLisa of Tetris returns to the table, bearing the
polyesther-with-fake blue-fur-trimmed robes, designed and constructed by
Grandpa Groundhog himself, Scott Simpson. The trim is on the wrists,
armholes, and neck of the robe, as well as skillfully drawing the eye to
the "easy-access hole" which is about two inches below Zeck's navel and
also trimmed in blue fur. The assembly begins to beat upon the table.
Several hundred people attempting to enjoy their evening repast turn to
stare at Dave and Chad.]
Zeck: Dwuh! These are my robes, aren't they!
Cressler [who as a former English major, also understands how to make
asides to the audience]: He hasn't noticed the hole yet, has he....
Zeck: Boy am I ever excited about this. Heck, this robe sure is tight....
[notices the easy-access hole for the first time] oh no, I am NOT putting
this on all the way. NOT! N-O-T NOT!!
Chad: Be glad we didn't make you strip first!! [yanks robe around Zeck's
hips] You look lovely--literally lovely.
[mass giggles follow from the table. Without caffeine for twenty-seven
minutes, the wombat begins to despair of ever coherently recreating the
events.]
P.S. St. Zeck of whatever wore his robes for the rest of the meal, but had
to remove them to play pool afterward. Alas, no photographs exist of the
robing of St. Zeck, but the 13 witnesses can't all be making it up....Just
check his closet when next you are in the vicinity of Caples.
####===================================================================####
WHITE TOAST
####===================================================================####
Date: Thu, 26 Mar 1992 07:30:00 EST
From: Penny Ward <UNCPEW%UNC.bitnet@VTVM2.CC.VT.EDU>
Subject: Breakfast Specialty
DANIEL PINKWATER'S BREAKFAST SPECIALTY (WHITE TOAST)
The morning after your Thanksgiving feast, you may not feel much like
cooking or eating. Writes Daniel:
"I'm not much of a hand at cooking, but I really enjoy good food. This
is a dish I can make all by myself. It requires a certain flair, but
with a little practice, almost anyone can do it."
Ingredients: Sliced white bread (any brand will do).
Directions:
1) Remove plastic tab or twist tie from bread wrapper. Set aside.
2) Remove 2 slices of white bread from package. (If you have one of
those four-slice toasters, remove 4.)
3) Set controls on toaster or toaster oven to preference. (For
beginners, medium is a good place to start. You can move on to
light or dark when you're proficient.)
4) Activate appliance. (Follow manufacturer's instructions.)
5) While toast is still hot, apply butter or margarine to taste.
Serving suggestion:
This goes great with eggs (any style), bacon, home fried potatoes,
orange juice, and coffee. Usually my wife, Jill, makes these side
dishes, leaving me free to do a perfect job on the toast.
Bonus: Whole wheat toast is made using exactly the same steps!
Submitted by Daniel Pinkwater, NPR commentator.
####===================================================================####
DANGER OF MODEMS!
####===================================================================####
From: jerry@jaizer (Jerry Gaiser N7PWF)
Subject: Blue tatoos for computers
Date: Fri, 20 Mar 1992 19:03:33 GMT
From: pozar@kumr.lns.com (Tim Pozar)
Subject: Your police at work for you!
Date: 19 Mar 92 22:46:35 GMT
You're not gonna believe this one....
.....but maybe you will...
NEWS RELEASE Immediate 3/18/92
PEDOPHILIA, COMPUTERS AND CHILDREN
If you have children in your home and a home computer complete with a
telephone modum, you [sic] child is in potential danger of coming in
contact with deviate and dangerous criminals.
Using the computer modum [sic], these unsavory individuals can communicate
directly with your child without your knowledge. Just as importantly, you
should be concerned if your child has a friendship with other youth who
have access to this equipment in an unsupervised environment.
Using a computer and a modum your child can readily access community
"bulletin boards" and receive sexually explicit and graphic material from
total strangers who can converse with your children, individuals you quite
probably wouldn't even talk with.
The concern becomes more poignant when stated otherwise; would you let a
child molester, murderer, convicted criminal into your home to meet alone
with your child?
According to Fresno Police Detective Frank Clark "your child can be in real
danger from pedophiles, rapists, satanic cultists and other criminals knows
to be actively engaged in computer conversation. Unwittingly, naive
children with a natural curiosity can be victimized; emerging healthy
sexual feelings of a child can be subverted into a twisted unnatural fetish
affecting youth during a vulnerable time in their lives."
It is anticipated that parents, when armed with knowledge this activity
exists and awareness that encounters with such deviate individuals results
in emotional and psychological damage to their child, will take appropriate
measures to eliminate the possibility of strangers interacting with their
children via a computer.
A news conference is scheduled for 10 a.m., Thursday, March 19, 1992 at
Fresno Police Department, Headquarters. The conference, presided over by
Detective Frank Clark, will be held in the Library located on the second
floor.
For Further Information: P.I.O. Ron Hults (209) 498-4568
####===================================================================####
PEEPING TOM
####===================================================================####
From: dwight@locus.com (Dwight Tovey)
Subject: Modern day Peeping Tom
Date: Fri, 20 Mar 1992 21:41:55 GMT
I found an interesting story in the local paper the other day. This
thing sounds good enough to be UL all by itself.
THOUSAND OAKS -- Local law enforcement officials said Tuesday they
remain troubled by a case in which a man who admits he secretly
videotaped up women's skirts at a local mall may not be criminally
prosecuted because no laws appear to address such conduct.
Richard Atchley, 36, of Santa Paula, had a video camera hidden in a
shopping bag with a mirror attached to the lens. He stood behind
women at The Oaks regional shopping center last Wednesday and placed
the bagged camera in a position to videotape under the unsuspecting
womens' skirts, officials said.
Atchley said in an interview Tuesday that he can't explain his
conduct and didn't think at the time that it was illegal.
"I was being stupid, I guess," said Atchley, a construction worker.
... [ details of the arrest deleted: He was arrested under a statute
called outraging the public decency ]
But when detectives mentioned the case to prosecutors at the
Ventura County district attorney's office for a review of criminal
charges, detectives were told that they statute under which Atchley
was arrested - Section 650.5 of the California Penal Code - had been
found unconstitutional earlier this year as too broad and was wiped
off the books. It was enacted in 1987.
Deputies questioned Atchley and freed him, but kept the videotape
and a file on him in case he is arrested in the future, LeMay said.
Among the legal theories Barrett said he is exploring are lewd acts
in public, loitering, crimes against peeping into people's homes,
indecent exposure and nuisance laws.
But, Barrett noted, "There's no window here." Lewd act laws
usually apply to cases involving touching, and indecent exposure laws
have only been used when the suspect exposes himself, not others.
Laws in those areas were not designed for Atchley's conduct, he said.
That no criminal prosecution could result "left the officers
frustrated," LeMay said.
"We felt this activity and activity like this is criminal and
offensive, but it just isn't addressed by the Legislature," he said.
Sheriff's deputies fear that such conduct possibly could lead to
more dangerous crimes, he added.
Atchley told deputies that he used the tape of the women's
underwear and groin area for personal use.
He told deputies he came to The Oaks because it is one of the
biggest shopping centers in the area and the women there are more
likely to wear dresses or skirts, LeMay said.
In the interview, Atchley said he had no plans to use the tape
against the women. He doesn't know what will happen.
"It's just one of those things I hope goes away," he said."
I like this. It's not illegal to expose others???? Interesting
implications here.
Comments anyone?
/dwight
####===================================================================####
NEWS FROM THE WHACKY WORLD OF SPODE
####===================================================================####
Date: Sat, 21 Mar 1992 21:08 HKT
From: "Ed Spodick, HKUST Library, x6743" <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: howdy - here's a bit or two...
South China Morning Post - 31 December 1991
_Cure kills child_
CAIRO: A court sentenced a butcher to a year in prison for killing a
three-year-old girl while trying to restore her lost voice with a cleaver.
Some rural Egyptians believe passing the blunt edge of a cleaver across a
sick person's throat can effect a cure, but Faud Bindary accidentally got
the wrong edge.
+++++++
The NYT also included one of the most ludicrous things I have ever read.
In an article entitled "A Hibernian with Relief and Dismay" by Alessandra
Stanley, about Brian F. Sullivan, a homophobe,
If one of his children ever said he or she was gay, Mr.
Sullivan said, he is afraid he would react "irrationally -
I'd kill the bastard."...
For all his reservations, Mr. Sullivan did not speak with
hostility about gay people.
Hmmmmmmmmm. Huh?
####===================================================================####
EIGHT BALL
####===================================================================####
Date: Fri, 27 Mar 1992 14:57:24 EST
Sender: Horror <HORROR%PACEVM.bitnet@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>
From: "Mildred L. Perkins" <MLPERKIN@UCS.INDIANA.EDU>
Subject: more
I just thought I'd refresh your memory concerning my brother - he's the one
who told me the (true...he promises) story concerning the man who blew his
brains out and became a play-toy of the surgeons.
He has a related story for y'all if you can take it:
Picture it - Landstuhl Germany, army hospital, about 3 in the a.m. He'd
been working about twenty hours straight through, and he hears a knock at
the door. An eighteen year old in an Air Force uniform came quietly into
the room and handed him an x-ray form. Now, he was really tired, and he
was having a little trouble tracking, so when he got to the bottom of the
form and read, "suspected FB in rectum," it made no sense. He kept trying
to figure out what the hell kind of disease "FB" was. It hit him. His
eyes popped open - he was wide awake now (and if I know him, sporting a
heavy-duty smirk). The FB was a "foreign body". Curiosity piqued (no
duh), he hustled the subdued young man into the nearest x-ray room and told
him to get on the table and pull his pants down. Of course the airman
didn't have any underwear on. Mike through him a towel and began the
pelvic x-ray.
[typo alert: sorry, that should read "threw" him a towel. No duh, huh?]
First picture done, he developed it and was dumbstruck to see a perfect
white circle in the middle of the pelvic region. He took another shot at a
different angle...the circle was still there. It struck him suddenly that
it was about the right size to be an eight ball. He gave him his film and
told him to go back to the emergency room, where later that morning Mike
had to go in to pick up the previous night's work and give it to the
radiologist for a formal reading. Naturally, he was leafing through the
stack, searching for the airman's picture. It wasn't there, but across the
room with a note attached instructing Mike to leave the x-ray because the
airman was going straight to surgery. He took it anyway, of course, and
took it to one of the doctors to show it off. The doctor wasn't impressed
- Mike had a reputation for practical jokes, and no one believed it was a
real x-ray. The doctor started writing on the exam slip, "Looks like this
guy's got an eight ball stuck up his butt," and went on from there. Mike
hastened to explain that, no, this one was for real, not a joke, and had
almost convinced the guy when another x-ray tech walked in. She saw the
picture, shrieked laughter, ran over and put a big, black 8 in magic marker
on the x-ray before they could stop her. This was the only copy, right?
Not for long. Another tech ran off about twenty copies later that day,
without marking out the young man's vitals: name, soc. security number,
ADDRESS... Everyone had copies by the end of the morning.
More true life horror - at least for the airman. I'm sure it must have racked
him up pretty badly.
####===================================================================####
VOCABULARY LESSON
####===================================================================####
From: kibo@world.std.com (James 'Kibo' Parry)
Subject: TODAY'S VOCABULARY LESSON
Date: Fri, 27 Mar 1992 05:10:20 GMT
from THE SUPER DICTIONARY, (C) 1978 Holt Rhinehart Winston
GO
Superman saw the stuff GO through the tunnel. He saw the stuff
move through the tunnel.
(Superman) "It WENT after the mice. But, only after it had GONE after me.
Wow! I'd better GO now. I'd better leave. I need to think this over."
HANG
Can Batman HANG from the rope? Can he swing from it? He HUNG there
just long enough.
(Joker, dangling from Batman) "I'll HANG you for this, Batman! I'll
kill you by letting you swing from a rope tied around your neck. I
never HANGED anyone, but I'll start with you."
(Batman) "You should start by dropping the idea. And speaking of
dropping..."
LASSIE
Wonder Girl is a LASSIE. She is a girl. She races with other LASSIES.
LAUGH
Did you hear Superman's LAUGH? Did you hear his happy sound? His
LAUGHS are very loud. Why did he LAUGH? Why did he make that sound
that shows his happiness? Superman LAUGHED because Krypto told him a
joke. (n.b. Krypto is Superdog.)
LICK
Supergirl let Krypto LICK her face. She let Krypto touch her face with
his tongue. Krypto LICKED Supergirl's face because he was very glad to
see her!
PIE
(Joker) "See this PIE, Batman? See this baked food that is a shell
filled with fruit? I'm going to throw it at you! And, there are more
PIES to come."
STRANGE
Flash went to a STRANGE place. He went to a place that he didn't know.
He met a STRANGE man there. He met a queer-looking man. The man was
STRANGER than anyone Flash knew. The man had the STRANGEST hands in the
world.
RACE
Superman and Supergirl belong to the same RACE of people. They belong
to a group of people that look alike in some ways. Some RACES have
light skin, and some have dark skin.
(Superman) "Come on Supergirl. I want to have a RACE. I want to have
a contest to see who is faster. I'll RACE you around the world. I'll
try to go faster than you."
(Supergirl) "The last time we RACED, we both won!"
CAPE
Superman wears a CAPE. He wears a piece of clothing with no arms in it.
Supergirl and Conjura wear CAPES, too.
Dammit, the thing doesn't have any swear words!
####===================================================================####
TRUE FACTS
####===================================================================####
Date: Wed, 1 Apr 92 16:11:59 MST
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
From sabbott@NMSU.Edu Wed Apr 1 14:01:54 1992
Subject: Found on the net
Status: RO
From: carasso@inference.com (==ROGER=CARASSO==)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Date: 1 Apr 92 02:12:08 GMT
FW: National Lampoon True Facts Calendar
Actors and theater-goers alike were showered with one hundred
pounds of pigeon droppings, pigeon bones, and dust that had accumulated
in a roof air vent in a theater in Dixon, Ill., after a nearby
construction apparently jarred the 65-year accumulation loose. "It was
like a dump truck let loose with the stuff," said Danette Dallgas-Frye,
a theater concessionaire. The old pigeon droppings became unstuck
during a performance of the play "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."
--- Quad-City Times
####===================================================================####
TAX TIME
####===================================================================####
Date: Fri, 3 Apr 92 02:51:38 MST
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
From sbradley@NMSU.Edu Thu Apr 2 21:51:00 1992
Subject: Tax time, Kiddos! (sorry about the margins)
Status: R
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
f 11 000 4 000 Department of the Treasury - 11 999 999 11
o 111 0 0 44 0 0 Internal Revenue Service 111 9 9 9 9 111
r 1 0 0 44444 0 0 U U SSS 1 9999 9999 1
m 1 0 0 4 0 0 U U SSS Individual Income 1 9 9 1
11111 000 4 000 UUU SSS Tax Return 11111 999 999 11111
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the year January 1 - December 31, 1992 or whenever you get around to it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
please| FULL NAME | LAST NAME | SECOND TO LAST INITIAL | Starch | []cuffs
print,| | | | []yes []no | []nocuffs
type |-------------------------------------------------------------------------
or use| Present address of addressee (must be filled out by addressor or legal
hyro- | guardian of aforementioned (unless greater than line B above))
glyph-|
ics |-------------------------------------------------------------------------
(no | City, Town, Post Office, Shoe Size | Address greater than line 41? []yes
Latin)| | If yes, why? ________________ []no
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Height | Weight | Sex []yes | Occu- Yours _________ | Social Security Number
| | []no | pation Spouse _________ | Yours _|_|_ Spouse _|_|_
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Do you wish to designate []yes | Isn't | NOTE: if you
Presidential >> $1 of your taxes to this []no | this a | checked yes
Election >>> worthy cause? []maybe | dumb law? | we will come
Campaign >> What about the little lady? []metoo | []yes | and steal all
> The kids, dog, cat, fish? []woof | []no | your hubcaps.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Requested > A. How many talking chickens do you own? | D yes? []no
by >> B. Names _______________________________ | E no? []yes
the >>> C. Do any of them play the oboe? []yes []no | F maybe? []perhaps
Department >>>>----------------------------------------------------------------
of >>> Do you live within 2 miles | Have you rotated | If no file IRS
Agriculture >> of a decent pizza place? | your tires lately? | tire rotation
> []yes []no []extra cheese | []yes []no []flat | Schedule L
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Filing 1 [] Single 2 [] Double 3 [] Triple 4 [] Sacrifice Fly | for IRS use
Status 5 [] Married Filing Singly Joint return | O | | X
(even if spouse is married separately) | ---|---|---
6 [] Joint married singly separate spouse | | X |
(but filing double jointed) | ---|---|---
7 [] Head of Household filing separate but joint return | X | O | O
(if unmarried but jointly single) |-------------
8 [] Head of joint filing single file spouses separately
9 [] Widow(er) with separate dependent filing out of joint return singly
10 [] Deceased filing posthumous return
(attach notarized Death Schedule D, signed by deceased)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Exem- 41 a regular? | Enter number of
ptions b [] yourself [] 65 or over [] blind [] dead | boxes checked > ___
[] spouse [] 65 or over [] blind [] dead |
c Names of Dependent children who lived with | Check number of
You you __________________ Why? _______________ | boxes entered > ___
are d Just first names dummy. |
here 4 Do you weigh more than last year's tax form? | Enter number of
| e Number of parakeets subtracted from Gross | checkered boxes ___
| Rotated Income (plus line 27 - unless greater |
\|/ than twelve miles) | Do nothing
v f How many inches in a liter? _____ | Here > ___
* 11 a Total Confusion
(add lines 6e and f,g; fold in eggs, beat until firm) --------> ---
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Income 12 Wages, Salaries, Tips, Extortion. (attach W2 forms to |##| | |
your forehead with heavy duty staplegun) . . . . . . . . |12|_____|_|
13 Remunerations (if less than gross reimbursements then |##| | |
Please file schedule Q (see page 14 of "Joy of Cooking")) . . . |13|_____|_|
attach 14 Gross influx (see 40% of instructions) . . . . . . . . . |14|_____|_|
payment 15 Money you made (if $400 or less, more or less, list |##| | |
(small schedule B without not filling in Part II and R2, but |##| | |
unmarked more than line 8). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |15|_____|_|
bills) 16 What about all that cash you stashed in that jar under |##| | |
here. the garage? (see page 7 of instructions) . . . . . . . . |16|_____|_|
| ---------------------------------------------------------------------
|___ 17 Add lines 12 through 16, multiply by 2, |##| | |
this is your total income. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |17|_____|_|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Taxes 18 Enter Grossly adjusted net average income (line 17). . . |18|_____|_|
19 Enter Total deductions (if greater than 0, enter 0). . . |19|_____|_|
20 Subtract line 19 from line 18. Taxable income. . . . . . |20|_____|_|
21 Figure Total Taxes using line 20 . . . . . . . . . . . . |##| | |
[] Tax Table [] Tax Rate Schedule X, Y, or Z [] Guessed. |21|_____|_|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Payment 23 Federal income tax withheld . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |23|_____|_|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amount 25 If line 23 is larger that 21, you made a mistake, |##| | |
You re-figure your taxes. |##| | |
Owe 26 Subtract line 23 from line 21. . . . . . . . . . . . . . |26|_____|_|
27 Add the shirt off your back. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |27|_____|_|
28 Send it in . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |28|_____|_|
29 Pick a number between 1 and 10 . . . . . . . . . . . . . |29|_____|_|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please > Under penalty of death, I declare that every figure on this return and
Sign >> accompanying schedules is correct to within 100% plus or minus some.
Here > Signature ___________________________ date ___________ check here []
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
####===================================================================####
ART
####===================================================================####
Date: Fri, 3 Apr 92 12:52:54 MST
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
From sabbott@NMSU.Edu Fri Apr 3 11:02:53 1992
Subject: moreshitfromthenet
From: vail@tegra.COM (Johnathan Vail)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Date: 2 Apr 92 17:41:55 GMT
Organization: Tegra, Inc., Billerica, MA
On Peter Ross's ABC-TV arts show on Sunday Afternoon,
the avant garde composer John Cage was featured
performing his 4'33". It consists of the performer(s),
armed with a stopwatch, sitting silently on stage for
four minutes 33 seconds, with the music consisting of
whatever noises come from the audience or outside the
auditorium. The TV performance went well, but the ABC
was caught out by technology - a fail-safe device turns
off studio transmission if there's more than 90 seconds
of silence, and puts up a test pattern. It went into
operation three times during the performance.
jv <- "I only clap with one hand at JC concerts"
####===================================================================####
AND MORE FROM THE WHACKY WORLD OF SPODE
####===================================================================####
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 1992 20:53 HKT
From: "Ed Spodick, HKUST Library, x6743" <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: A couple bits from HK...
_Lai See_ - South China Morning POst - 31 March 1992
_Bunny Girls_
Godric Peters, Hongkong-based boss of trading firm Glenthorne,
recalls sitting in a cafe in Mexico City and watching scores of
vans rushing around emblazoned with the word "BIMBO".
Apparently Bimbo is the best known bakery in Mexico City,
their version of Hongkong's Garden Bakery.
He asked a Mexican-speaking friend to translate the slogan
on the van.
"If you want a good roll, get a BIMBO," it said.
####################
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 19 November 1991
_Speed Trap_
Ms. Ellen Canapit of Magus International in Manila sent
a promotional letter about the reference books she sells to
Martin Kelleway of Guardforce Ltd.
The firm's slogan for its speed-reading materials is:
"Double your entellegence and be a supper achevier."
####################
South China Morning Post - 18 January 1992
_Starvation Toll_
JAKARTA: At least 199 people starved to death in Indonesia's remote
eastern province of Irian Jaya because they were too busy collecting
coconuts to plant crops, the daily _Suara Pembaruan_ said.
####################
_Lai See_ - South China Morning POst - 31 March 1992
_Gone Missing_
This we found hard to believe. The National Geographic
Society, the world's most famous explorers, are holding a
grand dinner at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel tomorrow.
Guests of honour include some of the most senior editors
from that august publication, arguably the world's foremost
authority on geographic matters.
And guess what address they printed on the invitations?
Mandarin Oriental Hotel
5 Connaught Road
Hongkong, China
Doesn't anybody know where we are?
####################
_Lai See_ - South China Morning POst - 2 April 1992
_Shock Horror_
Catherine Smith of Mid-Levels came across the following article
in a Ho Chi Minh City journal.
She cannot confirm its authenticity, although Vietnam does suffer
excessively from power cuts.
"March 1992: To lessen the agony of death convicts, the government
plans to replace firing squads by electric chair. This plan has
prompted a hunger strike in the death cell. A representative of
these death-bound inmates was asked to provide an explanation.
"He said: 'We prefer the execution by firing. This is still an
infallible and immediate death. Normally, we would not mind an
electric, but under current power supply conditions, this death is
full of risks and long delayed. If the electric current is not
strong enough, we may not die but suffer. Or if the power is
suddenly cut after we have been seated in the chair, we will have
to wait until the next time.'"
####################
South China Morning POst - 31 January 1992
_Rude Awakening_
BUCHAREST: An 18-year-old Romanian girl, whom doctors declared
clinically dead after an overdose of sleeping pills, regained
consciousness as she was being raped on a slab by a mortuary
attendant, who fainted when she opened her eyes. The girl's
parents said they would not press charges because their
"daughter owed her life to him".
####===================================================================####
HERBERT THE SAW
####===================================================================####
[Yes the renound Shark is alive and well. She's just moving around a lot.]
From: shark@CS.UCLA.EDU (Jeanne B. Schreiter)
Date: Thu, 9 Apr 92 20:29:32 PDT
From tj@CS.UCLA.EDU Thu Apr 9 16:29:40 1992
From: steph@CS.UCLA.EDU (Stephen Sakamoto)
From: gjs@wdl30.wdl.loral.com (Gregory Scott)
Subject: Herbert the Saw
Date: Wed, 8 Apr 1992 15:28:42 GMT
San Jose Mercury News, April 6, 1992, page 1
reprinted without permission
German railway battles extortionist
Elusive 'Herbert the Saw' cuts rail, plants bombs
By Ian Johnson, Baltimore Sun
Berlin - A man call "Herbert the Saw," three derailed trains, a bombed-out
luggage locker and a million dollars scattered in the air like confetti
make up what German police say is a bizarre but real threat to Germany's
2.8 million daily rail passengers.
As police only now have made public, Herbet the Saw has been trying to
blackmail the German railway for 18 months. But because of a series of odd
developments, he has not received his money and is still at large, holding
the railway hostage and becoming the talk of the nation.
The events began in 1990, when Herbert cut out a 14-inch section of rail on
a German freight line. A letter followed: "Pay $1.2 million or the next
cut will be large enough to derail a train. Signed, Herbert." The railway
called the police.
Five days later, Herbert hit the railway's pride and joy: its new bullet
train. He cut out a six-foot section of rail in a tunnel and then cut a
signal cable. Workers in a repair train went to investigate the signal and
derailed, causing injuries and $65,000 worth of damage.
Faced with a train full of 750 passengers careening into an embankment or
tunnel wall at 200 miles an hour, railway officials capitulated, announcing
their decision in a small advertisement in a national newspaper.
Police figured they could capture Herbert when he showed up to take the
money, but he confounded them in what turned into a series of slapstick
train chases through northern Germany.
Herbert demanded that a railway official carry a suitcase with the $1.2
million on a train. He would signal the locomotive engineer by radio when
the official should toss the suitcase out the window. If no signal came,
the official should get off at a prearranged station and wait for a
telephone call in the station office. The next train to take would be
signaled according to the number of telephone rings at the station office.
Police were impressed. His system did not allow police time to trace the
calls or to record his voice, a trick that has been used before to identify
railway extortionists.
"It was very, very clever. Almost the perfect crime," said Dankmar Lund of
the Hamburg police department.
At first, the system worked perfectly. The official was sent on a
grueling, six-hour trip. Herbert displayed such an impressive knowledge of
railway timetables and connections that the breathless envoy with the
weighty suitcase was constantly hopping off one train and onto another,
denying police a chance to follow in a special SWAT train.
The official finally got the signal to pitch out the money. He walked to
the door and opened it as the train raced through the countryside. But two
passengers jumped up, thinking that the official wanted to commit suicide.
They ripped him and the suitcase from the door.
The official fought back, crawled to the door and finally was able to kick
the case out - too late and right into the oncoming freight train, which
smashed the suitcase and sent 2,000 bills worth about $600 each fluttering
in the air.
Police spent hours trying to recover the 1,000 mark notes, They will not
say how many they found.
Herbert got angry.
He cut a section out of a passenger line between Hamburg and Hanover, with
his express letter arriving just before a train was due to hit the missing
stretch. The railway signaled its capitulation again and the official set
off, but this time said he got no signal from Herbert.
Strangely, nothing happened for months. Then, in April 1991, Herbert cut a
chunk out of another line, causing a repair train to derail. The railway
said it still was willing to pay but received no instructions.
Six months later, in October, he cut another section, and a freight train
derailed. Again, following instructions, the railway sent out an official,
but again he said he received no signal to throw the money out.
"He must have been playing with us," Lund said.
The game stopped four weeks ago when a bomb blew out a luggage locker in
Hamburg. A letter arrived with a key to the destroyed locker. "I don't
just saw any more," Herbert wrote.
Once again the railway is ready to pay, but now police say they will not
agree to the changing of trains method.
Late last week Herbert answered by firing off a series of letters to the
German media.
"If anyone dies, you can blame it on the cops," he wrote, adding that he
now wants $2.5 million. "For every week's delay, a train will blow up."
The first deadline is Wednesday.
####===================================================================####
PHONE MAINTAINCE
####===================================================================####
From: johnp@hpgrgu.gr.hp.com (John Parsons)
Subject: And These People Vote ...
Date: 3 Apr 92 18:49:57 GMT
The following appeared in the April 2, 1992 Longmont, Colorado {Daily
Times-Call}. Any typos are mine.
Listeners Fall for Phone Dust Fooling
FORT COLLINS (AP) - An April Fool's Day joke conducted by two radio
stations in Fort Collins may have gotten a little out of hand.
Deejays at KTRR-FM and KGLL-FM announced over the air that US West planned
to "blow out" telephone lines in Weld and Larimer counties in the afternoon
to clean out any dust.
Worried US West customers jammed phone lines at the company after the
deejays said they should either disconnect their phones or cover them with
plastic, "otherwise there would be a large mess in their offices or homes."
"We've been bombarded by calls from our customers," said Edie Ortega, a
spokeswoman for US West in Fort Collins. "It caused some pretty serious
problems with call volumes to us." The stations broadcast retractions
shortly after US West contacted Gary Buchanan, manager for the two
stations.
####===================================================================####
INTERFACE
####===================================================================####
From: Jeanne B Schreiter <shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
Subject: Just read and laugh at the date
Date: Sun, 12 Apr 92 10:30:47 CDT
From aragorn Sun Apr 12 01:40:33 1992
Subject: Re: Virtual reality, the brain, and high-speed modems. (fwd)
Interface? To your Brain? A parallel port? Well _kind_ of
parallel, actually VERY parallel ... :-)
----
INTRODUCING THE GNU DO IT YOURSELF BRAIN AUGMENTATION KIT!
Are you tired of your old VR helmet? Is your data glove
touch feedback just not fast enough? Is the new Sco OS for
these systems still 4 releases behind everyone else?
Cut out the middle man! Spend no more money on high priced
equipment that only takes you half way there! Go all the way
and permanently embed yourself in Cyberspace with ...
-----
The GNU DIYBAK
1) Included are two complete, and replicateable nano factories
with 50,000 Nanos ready to go to work on you.
2) Just add sugar/water and swallow.
3) Once ingested the systems will organize and gain access to
your nervous system spinal fluid.
4) Initial programming will create, almost overnight, 50 thousand
meters of super conducting fiber a couple of molecules in diameter
with almost 100 thousand terminal SQID detect/affect terminal pairs
in all vital cerebral areas.
5) As the system becomes functional a 50 Million cpu, micro-spark
system will be generated around the nano factories. All brain
activity may then be mapped, modeled, recorded and shared
with your friends.
6) It doesn't stop here! Share the new bio-tech with your friends!
The software and bio-systems are fully redistributable using
the GNU Copyleft and Patentleft licenses.
Offer begins Oct. 2, 2150 ...
####===================================================================####
ALICE
####===================================================================####
[It's always fun when suddenly out of the blue I get a submission from one
of the ancient old ones from the purps list.]
Date: Tue, 14 Apr 92 21:16:00 EST
From: Telkner <R3JMT%AKRONVM@VM1.CC.UAKRON.EDU>
Subject: purps submission
From the "Alice Has A Rockin' Time" series:
One day, Alice sat in her kitchen and realized that she was not
having a very rockin' time. She went into the living room and turned on
the stereo. The music helped, but after a while it began to make her
very bored. Soon she decided to go to a place where there were people
and music so she could have a really rockin' time.
Alice went to a place called "The Chicken Perch". She always liked
going there to watch all the roosters try to pick her up. She sat at
the bar and ordered a bowl of eggdrop soup. Sure enough, it wasn't long
before a cocky rooster hopped up onto the stool beside Alice.
"How ya doing, chick?" crowed the rooster.
Alice didn't answer right away because one of her favorite songs,
"Birds Fly (Whisper To A Squawk)" was playing on the jukebox. After the
song was over, she looked at the rooster and said "Oh, I'm having a
rockin' time. What's your name?"
"Kentucky Cooper, but my friends call me 'Kentucky Cooper'. So,
how about you and me going back to my place and locking beaks?"
"Are you rich?"
"I've got a pretty big nest egg stored away."
"No, I don't think I should. You seem like the kind of rooster
that would want something permanent. I don't want to take anyone under
my wing right now."
"What's wrong with permanent? We would be able to settle down and
get married. Maybe start a flock of our own."
"Gross! Can you imagine me sitting at home all day while you were
out pecking out a living. By the way, do you have a job?"
"Not right now, but I'd wing it."
"After a while of being cooped up like that, I'd start to henpeck
you to death. No, I don't think I want to become Alice Cooper."
Kentucky was very upset and ordered a strong cocktail. "I'm sorry,"
said Alice "I didn't mean to ruffle your feathers or put you in a fowl
mood, but I really think we aren't right for each other. Be careful
about how much you drink, I don't want you to get hard-boiled." Alice
stood up, went to the jukebox and punched in a song by the Yardbirds.
####===================================================================####
"You ought to be ashamed for jumping on my wife."
- Bill Clinton, to Jerry Brown after Brown charged Clinton and
his wife, Hillary, with unethical behavior
####===================================================================####
GENESIS BY COMMITTEE
####===================================================================####
Date: Sun, 15 Mar 1992 22:56:00 EST
From: "Nancy M. Piatkowski" <PIATKONM%SNYBUFVA.BITNET@VM1.NoDak.EDU>
Subject: genesis by committee (xpost)
----------------------------Original message----------------------------
[origin unknown]
If God were process oriented, the book of Genesis would read something like
this:
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without
form and void; so God created a small committee. God carefully balanced the
committee vis-vis race, sex, ethnic origin and economic status in order to
interface pluralism with the holistic concept of self determination according
to adjudicatory guidelines. Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day.
And God said, "Let the Committee draw up a mission statement." And behold,
the Committee decided to prioritize and strategize. And God called that
process empowerment. And God thought it sounded pretty good. And evening and
morning were the second day.
And God said, "Let the Committee determine goals and objectives, and engage in
long-range planning." Unfortunately, a debate as to the semantic differences
between goals and objectives pre-empted almost all the third day. Although the
question was never satisfactorily resolved, God thought the 'process' was
constructive. And evening and morning were the third day.
And God said, "Let there be a retreat in which the Committee can envision
functional organization, and, engaged in planning, be objective. The Committee
considered adjustment of priorities and consequential alternatives to program
directions and God saw that this was good. And God thought that is was even
worth all the coffee and donuts he had to supply. And so ended the fourth day.
And God said, "Let the Committee be implemented consistant with long-range
planning and strategy." The Committee considered guildines and linkages and
structural sensitivities, and alternative and implemental models. And God saw
that this was very democratic. And so would have ended the fifth day, except
for the unintentional renewal of the debate about the differences between goals
and objectives.
On the sixth day, the Committee agreed on criteria for adjucicatory assesment
and evaluation. This wasn't the agenda God had planned. He wasn't able to
attend, however, because he had to take the afternoon to create day and night,
heaven, earth and seas, plants and trees, seasons and years, sun and moon,
birds, fish, animals and human beings.
On the seventh day, God rested and the Committee submitted its recommendations.
It turned out that the recommended forms for things were nearly identical to
the way God had already created them; so the Committee passed a resolution
commending God for His implementation according to guidlines. There was,
however, some opinion expressed quietly that man should have been created in
the Committee's image.
And God caused a deep sleep to fall on the Committee...
----------
####===================================================================####
UNDERSTANDING YOUR THESIS SUPERVISOR
####===================================================================####
Date: Sat, 14 Mar 1992 14:58:00 EST
From: LYDIA FISH <FISHLM%SNYBUFVA.BITNET@VM1.NoDak.EDU>
Subject: Thesis Folklore (x-post)
Understanding Your Thesis Supervisor
WHAT YOUR SUPERVISOR SAYS WHAT YOUR SUPERVISOR MEANS
------------------------- --------------------------
Look on this as a learning You're going to suffer
experience
Let me explain the format of the Let me make you even more nervous
defence
I'm here to lend you support I'm here to destroy you so you won't
look smarter than me
I found the overall concept This is my token compliment before
interesting ripping your idea to shreds
I would like to have had more time I didn't read it
to study this
I have some concerns about the I hate the theory but I can't insult
theory upon which your study is the author so I'll insult your work
based instead
There are some aspects of the I read it but I just don't remember
study that I would like to hear anything about it
more about
Your hypotheses are not strongly You came up with an innovative idea
enough linked to the existing and I want to make sure you never do
literature it again
Your research is an interesting Why didn't I think of this before
extension of my own work you did?
You have failed to take into You failed to cite me
account some of the more relevant
literature
I would like you to explain... I don't know anything about this stuff
so you'll have to explain it to me
Your statistical results don't I don't understand statistics
seem to support your hypothesis
Your selection of statistical I'm the only one here that understands
tests is rather simplistic statistics and I wanted to rub it in
How did you ensure that you had I had to come up with at least one
drawn a random sample? question and this one always works
Let's wrap this up I'm hungry
Could you step out of the room We decided beforehand to give you your
while the committee comes to a degree, but we still want to make you
decision? sweat some more
####===================================================================####
SMELLS LIKE YAK CHEESE
####===================================================================####
[This simply had to be placed in Purps due to the subject line.]
Date: Thu, 16 Apr 92 14:13:37 MDT
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
From sbradley@NMSU.Edu Thu Apr 16 11:59:13 1992
Subject: Smells like yak cheese.
Status: R
SMELLS LIKE NIRVANA
by "Weird Al" Yankovic
What is this song all about?
Can't figure any lyrics out
How do the words to it go?
I wish you'd tell me, I don't know
Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no
Don't know, don't know, don't know...
Now I'm mumblin', and I'm screamin',
And I don't know what I'm singing'
Crank the volume, ears are bleedin'
I still don't know what I'm singin'
We're so loud and incoherent
Boy this outta bug yer parents
Yeah
It's unintel-ligible
I just can't get it through my skull
It's hard to bargle nawdle zouss
With all these marbles in my mouth
don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no
don't know, don't know, don't know...
Well we don't sound like Madonna
Here we are now we're Nirvana
Sing distinctly? We don't wanna
Buy our album, we're Nirvana
A garage band from Seattle
Well it sure beats raising cattle
Yeah
Well I forgot the next verse
Oh well, I guess it pays to rehearse
The lyric sheet's so hard to find
What are the words? Oh, nevermind
don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no
don't know, don't know, don't know...
Well I'm yellin'
And we're playin'
But I don't know what I'm sayin'
What's the message I'm conveyin'
Can you tell me what I'm sayin'?
So have you got some idea?
Didn't think so - well, I'll see ya
Sayonara, sayonara
Ayonawa, odinawa
Odinaya, yodinaya
Yaddayadda, Yaahyaah,
Ayaaaaah!
####===================================================================####
NEW ELEVATORS
####===================================================================####
Date: Fri, 24 Apr 1992 08:28 EST
From: GARBETT@utkvx.utk.edu
Subject: OTIS
Latest news in the computer and elevator industry. OTIS inc. is planning
to use fuzzy logic for the controller units on its new line of elevators.
[This is probably not the fuzzy logic you are thinking of. It's sort of a
way of making the elevator behave in a warm fuzzy manner. As we all know,
throughout the ages many have been frightened away from elevators by the
evil minions of B. Otis (boo hiss!). After all elevators are one of OTIS's
special pieces of technology. Why look at how they are used in the amazing
chronicals of Doc Savage all the time. And we all know Doc's connections
with OTIS don't we? (It's not it's time to send the IGHF some money to pay
for your official initiation and education.)
Anyways it is hoped that this fuzzy logic elevators will be able to draw
back into the OTISian fold those who have strayed.]
Is this a secret dictate of SPODE?
[Do you think I could just give out confirmation of "secret dictates" in a
forum of this nature?]
Can you specify what percent of a floor you want to go to?
[Better yet, why not give your fate up to the hands of OTIS and let her
decide?]
Better yet, what percentage of reality you're interested in participating
in?
[You're treading very close to those "Secrets Mankind Was Not Meant to
Know" here.]
I'd like the world without most of the tax collectors for this month.
[I'll bet we all would. That way we could worry about giving our money to
OTIS where it belongs.]
Or is this all just a new decor for the interior of those famous OTIS
elevators?
[Well yes, we have been receving complains about the interiors of elevators
lately, especially in Singapor. They've installed "urine dectors" in the
elevators to catch naughty elevator riders." {I kid you not folks. Saw this
in the paper somewhere.} ]
Were any naguas killed to make it?
[Actually the question is moot. OTIS created the little cute nagaus so OTIS
can destroy them. After all he is a goddess.]
####===================================================================####
JIGSAW IN THE NIGHT
####===================================================================####
[Yes once again we receive an installment from the Pope!]
"Jigsaw in the Night", part who knows what, "Pope" Jeph I of the IGHF, 955
MAss. Ave, Suite 209, Cambridge, MA 02139-9183 USA
Ah, television...
<click> ... I Love Lucy was filmed live before a pre-recorded audience. Now
stay tuned for 'Charles in Charge', as Charles has to deal with the
difficult questions a fourteen year old has about the birds and the bees,
love in the nineties and the intricacies of a global economy. Then it's--
<click> ... and unlike many cereals, Fredie's Crispies stay crispy, usually
even in milk!
<click> ... Hi there, I'm Willard Scott an--
<click> ... And finally in the news, "Pope" Jephe I of the Intergalactic
House of Fruitcakes, co-founder of OTISianism, a cult which experts say is
the fastest growing on the planet, is missing and presumed drowned at this
hour following what US Coast Guard officials are calling a freak weather
event. During the disturbance his personal yacht was swamped and sunk off
the Hawaiian Islands. Unknown are the fates of the three other craft
accompanying the 'Papal Barge' on what was believed to be a scientific
expedition investigating one of the very few undersea volcanoes in
existence. Apparently the OTISians believe that the volcano, destined to
emerge from the sea as an island in the next 10,000 years is a harbinger
for the dawning of a new age. For the Pope it seems to have become a very
different type of omen. The current whereabouts of Preacher Tim Howland,
co-founder of the House are unknown and so it was impossible to contact him
for a comment. For NBC News, I'm Patrick Williamson. When I'm moonlighting
for CBS I go by the pseudonym 'Snakeyes'. Goodnight.
Dead. Uh-huh. I should be so lucky. Where in the hell's the phone? Pizza
box, back issue of _Newsweek_ (1973), assorted undergarments... Hmmm...
think about this, where did I find it last it rang... Ah, yes! Sink...
"Hello? Stewart? Rev up the plane would you? Apparently the Pope's gone and
gotten himself killed again."
Preacher Tim Howland cradled the phone and mourned the loss of an otherwise
quite afternoon.
Pickles. Pain. Rough. Sand. Sand and air that scratches at the throat. Sea
air. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Open the eyes.
Pope Jephe I looked at the sky (blue), the trees (palm), the beach (green),
his feet (red), and thought seriously about getting up. After a few failed
efforts (lungs don't like exercise after trying to breathe water) however
sleep seemed a better idea
####===================================================================####
PAPAL PONDERING
####===================================================================####
[Actaully this is kind of a bit late. I received these just before Purps37
was finished and didn't have time to include these. Enjoy. Let's hope the
Pope get's on the Net very soon.]
Papal Pondering #6 (I think...) "Pope Jephe I of the IGHF, 955 Mass. Ave.
Suite 209, cambridge, MA 02139-9183 USA Back on the internet , too, just as
soon as I get a modem promise.
"Hooray, hooray, the first of May! Outdoor [expletitive] starts today." --
Mr. Anonymous
Good morning, Purps faithful! Hi de o, and HAIL OTIS! Greetings on all
(significantly) four points of the compass. Where are those checks you
promised me? First of all, hope not; as evidenced by the existence of this
column, the Pope has not gone and gotten himself killed (again). I am
still, o moderately faithful followers, among the living and guilty of no
greater sin[1] then neglecting you somewhat. The reason for my behavior is
simple; I've been busy. As you are all no doubt aware, Quebec is seriously
considering seceding from Canada again (and taking Vermont with it),
nuclear scientists from the former Soviet Union are for sale at truly
bargain basement prices (an opportunity too good to pass up), and "UFO"
sightings in southern Florida have recently increased somewhere in the
order of 700%. What's really kept us busy, however has been the produce of
the latest OTISian Directory (available for the address above for a PALTRY
$2.50 US), bigger and better formatted than it has been before, a real barn
burner, especially at only $2.50/copy. All loyal Purps reader, are, of
course, encouraged to buy one, just reach deep into your pockets for the
$2.50.[2]
But enough of the hard sale (HAIL TED!) on to bigger and better things! To
whit: it may feel like the middle of Winter but February has passed, and
Spring at last is on its way. And we all know what that means. For the
Ignorant Heathen Masses(TM), it means going lolly-eyed over the nearest
attractive member of the sex most appealing, following him/her drooling for
a few months and hoping he/she will find your ideas on yet another use for
whipped cream and sausage[3] appealing. For the unenlightened of the planet
it also means waking up earlier in the morning to breathe deep in the
hormone laden atmosphere, remembering the pleasure (lost for many months)
of short-sleeved shirts and shorts, and finding a quiet spot in the woods
to sit and bask in the sun.
For the true OTISian, of course, Spring means all those, but also a whole
lot more. Spring sees more than its fair share of OTISian festivals and
celebrations, after all. (Let the Christians have Winter; we get the sunny
seasons, HAIL OTIS!!). Spring libations generally start as soon as the
ground is thawed (sometimes sooner), March 18th brings Yak Appreciation
Day[4], and, of course, April 1 ushers in the OTISian New Year (complete
with champagne and noise-makers). Add to this a slue of "conceptual
holidays" (the "just because we felt like we needed a holiday holiday"),
and OTISians are usually so tuckered by the end of Summer that they
hibernate from late November until early April (rousing only for the Pope's
Birthday Celebration, of course).
Which means, faithful follower, that if you want to be too tired for
Winter, you'd better break out the beer and part hats soon. Just a gentle
reminder from the pontiff. Until next time I will probably be --
POPE Jephe I of the IGHF
-----
Notes, as always, by "Bill", a House scribe.
1. Well, at least for the purposes of this discussion.
2. Did he mention they were only $2.50/copy? Sorry.
3. Don't look at me...
4. During which OTISians gather together to express their appreciation of
one of OTIS' most remarkable creatures, generally by drinking non-stop
toasts to it. At midnight, of course, OTISians can be seen climbing to the
roof of the highest building around where they stand and replicate the Yak
mating call ("Yooooooooooooooooo!") at the top of their lungs until
exhausted or arrested for disturbing the peace.
####===================================================================####
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
####===================================================================####
--Subink 1992
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