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SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
####========================================================####
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 2, 37
####========================================================####
"One year and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
still going strong"
* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
####===================================================================####
INTRO
####===================================================================####
Welcome to yet another chronically late issue of Purps. Well, at least you
got one. I've been on vacation and other bizarre weirdness has been going
on in my life. I also got yelled at by the Pope for not sending him his
Purps. Then again he's still not sent me the owner's manual for the Purps
yacht. Among other things, we've yet to figure out the remote control for
the projection t.v.
Hmm hopefully next issue. I can do better. I have some submissions from the
Pope that need Scanning/typing in along with hopefully another installment
of my exciting Messenger of the Gods serial I know you are all on the edge
of your seats about.
This issue does contain submissions for our old favorites so cheer up. Also
a new OTISian has been touched by the hand of Otis quite fiercely and has
been shovelling submissions in our direction. Keep up the good work. We
also received our first subscriber from Poland of all places!
We also keep getting folks asking the wrong person for subscriptions. If
you would like to be aboard the amazing and long running Purple Thunderbolt
of Spode send mail to HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu.
Hmm other news I suppose is I got another inquiry through the mail for
stuff. I think the must have meant Purps so I'll send them a copy.
Anyway, on with the show. Hopefully I'll be more organized next time.
Someone asked me the other day if I still enjoy doing Purps. I answered
"YES!" to their amazement. I really do enjoy doing this despite the
constant delays I keep having.
####===================================================================####
DAN QUAYLE POEMS
####===================================================================####
[Never has a statesman inspired so much creativity since Tubby Taft got
himself stuck in a bathtub.]
Subject: Dan Quayle Poems
Date: Sun, 16 Feb 92 03:46:06 -0500
From: "Sam Hill Cabal, DS" <tsdavies@mailbox.syr.edu>
For some reason, these were in alt.config:
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle,alt.config,alt.politics.correct
>From: jks2x@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU (Jason K. Schechner)
Subject: Quayle contest
Organization: University of Virginia
Date: Sat, 15 Feb 1992 01:25:05 GMT
Someone asked that some more of the Quayle contest entries
be posted. This is all I have, but they're gems. Enjoy!
The winner:
Faces blanch and strong hearts fail,
At the very thought of PRESIDENT Quayle.
Spines are chilled and the flesh just crawls,
Tongues are tied and silence falls.
But let's just ponder throughout this hush,
Can he really be worse than Bush ?
Charles Convery
Some runners-up...
----------------------------------------------------------------
To a term of Quayle
There's just one retort
Lord, like this verse
Please keep it short !
Patrick J. Sneyd
----------------------------------------------------------------
A horse was made a Consul
By the Emperor Caligula
Historians may agree this shows
He wasn't too particular
But there are those Americans
Who argue with some force
You gotta give him credit
For using the whole horse
James McKeon
----------------------------------------------------------------
When Bush turned pale,
Our fears of Quayle
Came quickly to the fore,
And many felt the Veep should be
By G.B. shown the door.
But Bush I think will not assign
Him to another station,
For Dan gives George a guarantee
Against assassination.
Pat Daly
----------------------------------------------------------------
President Quayle:
Too awful for words
Dan's not for the "Eagle"
Though he is for the birds.
Gerry Moran
----------------------------------------------------------------
America, America,
Now in the hands of Quayle.
The man who put Latin in Latin America
Has now become first male,
And though the Yanks may hope it's a prank
(This man has the power to nuke),
We all have our stars and stripes to thank
Mr President's not yet David Duke.
Roisin Sheerin
----------------------------------------------------------------
Kennedy smiled his wondrous smile
And almost nuked the Cuban coast
Nixon smiled his cynical smile
And got exposed by the Washington Post
Reagan smiled his grand-daddy smile
And ate Grenada for Sunday roast
Bush smiled his tennis smile
And threw up all over his host.
When I look at that bunch,
I have a terrible hunch,
That Quayle would be better than most.
Frank Cotter
--
Television can be very useful in helping us to remember things politicians
would rather we forget. Just look at this film of Pat Buchanan. Now turn
the channel to Fred Flintstone. Loud mouths, ideas from the stone age...
The similarities are eerie.
####===================================================================####
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
####===================================================================####
[It's quite impressive how Steph the infamous News of the Weird Woman
managed to still make an impact on Purps even thought she's several hundred
miles away from her computer account. Hopefully she'll be back on the net
with us very soon.]
From: "STEPHANIE R KLEIN" <KLEINSR@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: For purps:
FOOD FOR THOUGHT:
FURTHER PROOF THAT OTIS IS EVERYWHERE
I've discovered that if you're driving down the highway at 6:00 in the
morning and it's still sort of dark and a little misty out, that if you
look at a crossroads sign (Black + on a yellow background), from a
distance, it looks just like an OTIS symbol, arrows and all.
Moreover, even if it's not 6 am and misty out, if you've been driving for
hours on end through the flatter, greyer portions of the Midwest (i.e.
Indiana), the signs for a crossroad STILL (again?) look like OTIS symbols.
Just thought y'all should know.
####===================================================================####
NEWS OF THE WEIRD!
####===================================================================####
Date: 17 Feb 92 13:24:00 EST
From: "STEPHANIE R KLEIN" <KLEINSR@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: NOTW!!!!
The following News of the Weird Items are from The Chicago Reader, 1/10/92.
Louis Vaughn Hooper, 50, was burned to death in Dallas in October when his
getaway car smashed into a tree and exploded in a ball of flames. He had
just committed a service-station robbery in which his take was $9 worth of
gasoline.
Herbert G. Fisher, the former official Virginia state archeologist, serving
20 years in prison for murdering his wife, was discovered in August trying
to dig his way out of Gloucester County Jail.
Wayne McLaren, 49, filed a lawsuit in Santa Ana, CA, in September against
his physician, who McLaren says failed to diagnose his lung cancer in time
for treatment. McLaren is a former male model who once portrayed the
"Marlboro man" in cigarette ads and was a pack-and-a-half-a-day smoker for
25 years.
Anthony Galante, 31, a New York City computer analyst, was accused by
police in July of having made 30,000 obscene phone calls in New York and
Connecticut. His preferred scheme was to tell a woman that he was holding a
family member hostage and that she should stand outside her house naked as
he drove by. Police estimate Galante was successful in one out of every 100
phone calls.
####===================================================================####
DAHMER
####===================================================================####
[Hmm this issue of Purps seems to have taken a bit darker twist than
usual.]
Date: Tue, 18 Feb 92 12:59:36 MST
From: owhite@NMSU.Edu
Subject: Psychiatrist says Dahmer needed alcohol before he could kill
MILWAUKEE (UPI) -- Admitted serial killer Jeffrey L. Dahmer
considered freeze-drying one of his victims but dropped the idea when
he learned the equipment would cost $30,000, a prosecution
psychiatrist testified Wednesday.
Dietz said Dahmer thought about finding one man with a
sufficiently attractive physique to keep permanently.
``Mr. Dahmer's idea was that if he could get the apparatus to
freeze- dry a man of the appropriate physique, he would at least be
able to continue to have him to look at while masturbating, to pose,
perhaps in various positions if he were flexible enough in that state,
to fondle, to rub, to hug, to touch,'' Dietz said.
Dietz said after Dahmer ruled out freeze-drying a man, he
turned to his second choice -- creating a zombie. He experimented with
two techniques -- drilling holes in the victim's head and pouring in
acid, and drilling holes and pouring in boiling water.
``He wanted to be able to take one of the men and make it so
that that man had no will of his own,'' Dietz said.
He said Dahmer also toyed with the idea of using electroshock
to create a zombie but ``felt he lacked the technical knowledge of
electricity to do this.''
``He had to take this additional step to overcome his natural
inhibition against the killing,'' Dietz said. ``If he had an impulse
to kill or a compulsion to kill, he wouldn't have to drink alcohol to
overcome it. He only has to drink alcohol to overcome it because he is
inhibited against killing.
think this is an example of a man desperately crying out to be
enrolled in a good 12-step program.
owen
[Or maybe he needs a library card. I'm sure his local public library had
plenty of books on how to make Zombies. They're always chock full of those
helpful "How To" books.]
####===================================================================####
MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH IN ELVIS STUDY
####===================================================================####
Subject: Re: Solar Neutrino Problem Solved
Date: 17 Feb 92 23:53:33 GMT
Reply-To: weemba@libra.wistar.upenn.edu (Matthew P Wiener)
>The paper was probably the shortest non-retraction paper I have ever
>seen in my life.
Hah! The ELVIS sequence discovery letter was less than a page. It was a
minor paper in biochemistry, but a major breakthrough in Elvis studies:
Since that fateful day of 16 August 1977 when Elvis Presley,
considered by fans the world over as ``The King,'' passed on,
there have been many attempts to uncover evidence that this
rock and roll legend is still among us. For the most part,
these efforts have been conducted in a haphazard manner and
quite frankly have lacked credibility. Elvis sightings in
shopping malls, doughnut shops, and aboard alien space craft
have yet to be properly documented. We believe this report
is the first credible evidence that ``The King'' is still
among us, at least within the lower life forms.
--Kaper&Mobley, SCIENCE, v253, p951-2.
--
-Matthew P Wiener (weemba@libra.wistar.upenn.edu)
####===================================================================####
HANDY TIP
####===================================================================####
From: jester@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Jester)
Subject: YAQOTD
Date: 19 Feb 92 15:10:28 GMT
YAQOTD ------- Yet Another Quote Of The Day ----------
HANDY TIP: If you are afraid of being taken captive on an airplane, always
remember to carry a bomb, because the odds of there being a bomb on a plane
are pretty small, but the odds of there being two bombs on the same plane
are astronomical; therefore, you have reduced your chance of being taken
prisoner.
####===================================================================####
THE WACKY WORLD OF HONGKONG
####===================================================================####
From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET> Subject:
Greetings!
Well - I have returned from my foray into Thailand, refreshed and
substantially more sane than when I started out! Some of you may be
wondering if that is a good thing. Hong Kong, meanwhile, continues to
slide...
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 28 January 1992
_'Aerodynamic' beach boys go Surfin' Milky Way_
Sportwear manufacturers in Hongkong are being invited to ISPO '92,
a sports equipment trade show to be held in Munich from February 27
to March 1.
They probably think they are going to sell a lot of gear.
Well be warned. The newest trendy sport does not need much.
It is flying -- *without* the aircraft.
"Body-flying" takes place in facilities called Airodiums -- now
open in the United States and Switzerland.
A huge propeller provides a controllable updraught that flows
at 160 kph. Anyone who steps in weighing less than 200lbs (90 kilos)
starts to levitate.
With a little practice, you can easily reach an altitude of
three metres.
Trainers are on hand to show you how to flap.
Proficient flyers can shoot skyward in the updraught, dive
downwards, and climb again without touching the ground.
If you think that's completely crazy, the other emerging sport
that manufacturers are gearing up to cater for is air-surfing.
You step out of an aircraft at 5,000 metres with a surfboard
strapped to your feet, then start looking for warm air-currents.
Parachute-wearing is recommended, to ensure a smooth landing.
We haven't made this up.
"Nothing is mad enough not to be considered a sport," said ISPO's
cynical spokesman.
Forecast: sports gear manufacturers in quick-reaction economies
such as Hongkong rapidly switch to mass production of bandages
and splints.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
South China Morning Post - 21 December 1991
_Boy stuck in washing machine_
Firemen were called in last night to free an eight-year-old boy
who became stuck in a washing machine during a game of hide-and-seek.
The boy hopped into the top-loader during a game with his younger
brother at their Tsing Yi Island home but his knees got stuck and he
couldn't get out.
The boy called his mother, who called a neighbor, who called the
police, who called the fire brigade, who finally had to take the
washing machine apart to free the youngster.
The boy told police his only regret was that he gave away his
hiding place when he had to call for help.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 10 February 1992
_Been counters_
Got a letter from Taipei-based China Airlines.
"Dear Gold card member," it said.
"We here at China Airlines dedicate ourselves to make your trips
a most pleasant one for 'We treasure each counter'."
Can't say we've noticed that their counters are any better main-
tained than those of other airlines. Has anyone else?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
South China Morning Post - 21 February 1992
_Icy Response to Olympics Query_
Why, we demanded of TVB Pearl [one of the two Hong Kong television
studios] yesterday, are you showing footage of an ice speedway race in
your promotional trailers for the Winter Olympics?
Ice speedway, for the sports-incompatible, is where chaps on
motorbikes with steel spikes in the tires race around an ice track.
It is not, and never has been, an Olympic sport.
As a matter of fact, there is no such thing as a motorised
Olympic sport.
The girl at the other end of the phone took down our query.
She never called back
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
South China Morning Post - 15 February 1992
_Out of his tree up a tree_
LAGOS: Five years ago, Mr. Michael Diliama, 45, ailing and with two
wives and nine children to support, climbed to the top of a tree.
His health improved immediately.
His wives send up food and water, and rain gear for the wet season.
He fell down from the tree once, but climbed back up again.
The head of Diliama's village, Mr. Timothawug Gotit told the News
Agency of Nigeria that all means of coaxing Mr. Diliama out of his tree
had failed.
-Agence France Press-
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 15 January 1992
_Ducking out of hotel that's strictly for the birds_
Everyone goes to Beijing for Peking Duck. But have you ever really
got to know one of these convivial creatures?
That was the question that prompted the proprietors of the new Sara
Hotel in Beijing to offer guests something special.
Only at the Sara Hotel does a live family of Peking ducks waddle
down the marble staircase.
The birds mingle with whoever is around in the lobby, and splash
in the lobby fountain for half an hour.
They then saunter back to their suite, shaking their feathers dry,
while a fawning hotel pianist plays a specially composed march for them.
This has been much publicised in advertising campaigns.
Hongkong journalist Jane Ram stepped into the Sara Hotel, on
Goldfish Lane near the Forbidden City last week.
She stepped out of the freezing outdoors (minus 10 degrees celsius)
into a massive atrium lobby, heated to a sweltering temperature.
Large numbers of uniformed staff stood at the ready. There was a
live band playing (_Strangers in the Night_), and a cocktail waitress
was at hand to serve drinks.
But there was not a guest to be seen. "It was like the Marie
Celeste," said Jane.
Staff told her that because of construction delays, it had not
been possible to open the hotel to human guests.
The date on which non-poultry residents would be welcomed had
been pushed back several times.
"Come back next week," staff told Mrs. Ram.
Guests without feathers will be allowed in later this week, possibly
from today.
Those Peking ducks must be feeling really cool.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 21 February 1992
_Lone bookworm guarding the Mongol hoard_
[stuff deleted]
Oddly enough, this offer comes hot on the heels of a report in the
_Far Eastern Economic Review_ about troubles in the Mongolian banking
system.
Mongolia has only one chap who knows how to run the banking system
and he reportedly has only one economics textbook.
Mr. N. Zhargalsaikhan, 33-year-old governor of Mongolbank, was
recently jailed when the central bank lost US$80 million in foreign
exchange dealings.
He had been in jail for two days when it was noticed that the
country's banking system was about to come to a complete halt without
him. They sent him back to his desk, pronto.
[remainder deleted]
####===================================================================####
BUSH THE INCREDIBLE REGURGITATING PRESIDENT
####===================================================================####
Date: Sun, 23 Feb 92 22:39:09 MST
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
Date: Sun, 23 Feb 92 22:13:07 MST
From: cshort@NMSU.Edu
Subject: Bush the great and terrible
From: bdb@becker.UUCP (Bruce Becker)
Subject: Re: vomiting synonyms
Date: 21 Feb 92 02:58:10 GMT
In article <2429@copper.Denver.Colorado.EDU> bcassidy@copper.denver.colorado.edu (Brian A. Cassidy) writes:
|there have come up with a new expression for the process of relieving
|oneself after having had one too many in the Roppongi nightclub district:
|
| to 'Bushusuru', in Japan now means to get completely
| trashed, and while on your way to finding your way to
| the nearest gutter, vomit violently all over you, your
| business associates, and any car that you happen to be
| leaning over...
|
| Thank goodness we have such wonderful diplomatic ties
| with Japan, and thank you Mr. Bush for putting your
| best 'foot forward' while representing our country!
I think you meant to say he put his best 'food forward'
georgie bushie
ate some sushi
messed his gucci
fell on his tushie
ObTastelessness: finding that missing sock in your heave
--
,u, Bruce Becker Toronto, Ontario
a /i/ Internet: bdb@becker.gts.org, bruce@gpu.utcs.toronto.edu
`\o\-e UUCP: ...!lsuc!becker!bdb
_< /_ "Ceci n'est pas un \"" - Rene "Day" Taxi # 12 & 35
####===================================================================####
DEATH TO PAPERWORK!
####===================================================================####
Subject: Check this .sig!
Date: Mon, 24 Feb 92 21:51:43 -0500
From: "Sam Hill Cabal, DS" <tsdavies@mailbox.syr.edu>
Well, really just the quote:
"I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the
forms. You've got to kill the people producing them."
-- Vladimir Kabiadze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
Works near Moscow, in a speech to the Communist party conference
| Al B. Wesolowsky abw@bucrsb.bu.edu or arc9arn@buacca.bu.edu |
| Managing Editor, Journal of Field Archaeology, Boston University |
| 675 Commonwealth Avenue, Boston MA 02215 (617) 353-2357 |
####===================================================================####
INVASION
####===================================================================####
From: bbs.gary@jwt.UUCP (Gary Stollman)
Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors
Subject: INVASION!!!
Date: 19 Feb 92 06:14:50 GMT
Hello from the world of the weird and strange. This is Gary Stollman,
back from the Twilight Zone once again to give you an idea of what has been
going on lately in MY world.
It seems that I have been responsible for bringing Jesus back to
Earth, and have been through so much in the past month or two it would take
(practically) a lifetime to tell it all!
What I can tell you is that my family and friends are still being
exchanged by demons or aliens or whatever. My mom had a stroke, and is
here now in our apartment in LA, trying to recuperate from the paralysis
which has left her immobile. The two "nurses" treating her are demon
clones who have taken the place of the real people, and they keep switching
my real mom back and forth with the fake one, whom they serve. My father
is also being switched with a fake clone constantly. As have been my two
sisters and my other relatives and friends. These things are demonic in
nature, and I have asked God for help, and he has answered my pleas!
In the past few weeks, I have been transported by God to the parallel
dimension, where these beings come from, and back again. The end result of
this is that I have been responsible for the start of the Second Coming of
Christ. Jesus is here now, and he is going to take care of things in a
hurry! I have had the power of God at my fingertips, as apparently I was
the "Number 9" spoken about in the musicians records, like the Beatles. I
have been able to move through dimensions like through air, and I have
helped God to stop these things from taking us over. There is little more
to say now, except tell everyone you know to pray, long and hard! It will
help.
These things have taken over all the hospitals and so forth in LA, and
the phone systems around the country. They have a base somewhere where
they are holding the REAL people they have cloned. If you don't believe me,
watch CNN "real" closely! It is time to stand up and be counted as human
beings, not some kind of play- things. This is Gary Stollman, signing off
from LA, California, USA.
####===================================================================####
POSTSTRUCTURALIST
####===================================================================####
From:"RHODNEY WARD, (812) 855-4334W/336-4829H" <ROWARD%IUBACS.BITNET@uga.cc.uga.edu>
Subject: some silly stuff for you intellectuals out there
This satirical piece on poststructuralism was printed in Z
Magazine, Summer 1991. Enjoy!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Ten Rules for Making Your Prose Poststructuralist:
1. Change all appearances of the verb "to be" to "can be
represented as." Corollary: Always refer to the word "is" as
the *copula*.
2. Never "analyze"; always "deconstruct."
3. Never refer to "ideas" or "thoughts"; replace these concepts
with "episteme," "habitus," or "ideological structure."
4. Actions are "always already overdetermined" by the categories
in rule 3.
5. Feel free to add the following prefixes and suffixes to any
word in your vocabulary: "post," "neo," "dis," "over,"
"quasi," "co," "de," "ism," "ize," "ify," "ness," "ology."
6. Use parentheses and dashes in the middle of words.
7. Every activity is "writing"; all things are "texts"; all
people are "subject positions"; all collections of things are
"structures"; all that is outside a structure is a "margin."
8. Conclude all discourse with several options and a question.
9. Call anything you don't understand "essentialist" and denounce
it.
10. Refer to at least one of the following three French authors in
everything you write: Foucault, Derrida, Lacan. Corollary:
Appropriate all untranslated French words from your English
versions of their texts.
By Ruth & Kenny Mostern
Oakland, CA
####===================================================================####
FESTIVITY
####===================================================================####
Date: 28 Feb 92 03:29:00 EST
From: "WOMBAT" <HILLV@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: Spring Break Ahoy!!
From: VAX001::STEVENSJ "Do NOT Taunt Happy Fun Ball" 22-MAR-1991
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^<---GOOD LORD IT'S THE POPE!
Subj: as promised, more social calender stuff... the last for a while
Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other,
admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright
piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each
other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree
ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their
drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate
objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples'
drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in
the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.
Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their
naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas
tree. The piano is missing.
Please note:
You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
4. The best way to get to level 3 is Egg-nog. The best way to surpass it is
OTIS!
####===================================================================####
OUCH
####===================================================================####
[I told you this get's a bit dark and twisted.]
Date: Fri, 28 Feb 1992 18:32 HKT
From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: ouch!!!
------- Forwarded Message
[headers deleted]
This one came off of UPI 2/24/92, Human Interest Department:
It'll probably be a long time before a Wichita, Kansas, man forgets
last Valentine's Day. He spent more than 12 hours with a seven-and-a-half
pound barbell weight stuck on his erect penis.
A fire department report says the man...and barbell...showed up late
afternoon at St. Francis Regional Medical Center. He told doctors he'd
decided early that morning to see if his penis would fit into the center hole
of a barbell weight. It did, at first. But when it became erect, the man
found he could NOT pull out again.
NEITHER doctors NOR a fire department rescue squad using bolt cutters
could free the man from the barbell. The weight was finally removed after a
urologist made an incision...allowing blood to drain from the man's penis and
go limp.
The incident kind of gives new meaning to the phrase "pumping iron".
------- End of Forwarded Message
####===================================================================####
A VISION
####===================================================================####
Date: Sun, 1 Mar 92 00:15:45 EST
From: gateh@mvax.cc.conncoll.edu (Gregg A. TeHennepe)
Subject: A vision, and then some
Dear Mal,
I'm having some difficulty with a particular vision/memory that appears to
involve OTIS, and was wondering if you, or someone in the IGHF, could help
me out. It goes something like this:
It was late, and the red wine had taken a firm hold of the brainstem,
slamming it horizontally on the living room floor, and threatening to call
the David Duke campaign pledge hotline unless it came up with something
semi-creative.
[Possibly you were getting this number confused with one of those late
night "are you lonely" services advertised on t.v. Endless hours of viewing
pro-wrestling can do this to one.]
So I groped about, looking for a blunt object, but all I could find was a
Bradlee's sale flyer, which was less than effective. Before I had a chance
to squirm properly, OTIS was standing over me, celery and peanut butter in
hand, chomping away on the one item I relish but cannot stomach (at least
for any extended period of time).
[Historic note: Celery and peanut butter were invented in Ancient Sumeria
during one of the OTISian festivals. It seems that the official festive
colors for that day were "sort of a peanut buttery color" and "vegetable
green" and the priests could only come up with this concoction as a proper
color coordinated food. Otis of course hated this at first, until Spode
attacked the celery cover with peanut butter with relish and used it to
make friends with some of the more comely temple prostitutes. Otis seeing
this decided he liked the stuff after all.]
OTIS: "So, gripless, I see that you have been reading back issues of
PURPS. This is good..."
[Ah but Otis in his Omnipotent mercy failed to give you a stern lecture I
see on sending money to the IGHF.]
Me: (thinking, Jesus, that celery looks fresh) "Say, any chance you could
get that yak off my coffee table, I mean I just Armor-All'ed that piece..."
[No doubt Otis rode in on his flaming Yak chariot. The one he was cruising
around with Pyria for a while.]
OTIS: (Completely ignoring the request) "I think it's about time that I
suggest you take a trip, a pilgrimage so to speak. Have you ever been to
Ohio?"
[Hmm he probably means Kenyon. You'd better buy a gift for Archbishop Chad.
He expects such things. I hear his sandwich maker broke. You might want to
consider giving him a new one. Or maybe a donut maker.]
Me: "Er, well, seeing as I went to school in the land of 10,000 lakes (aka
Minnesota, which has more like 15,000 lakes), and I live in CT, yes, I have
driven through the flatness known as Ohio once or seven times. Come to
think of it, I think I even got caught in a snowstorm..."
OTIS: CLOSE ENOUGH!
[Ah once again Otis shows her infinite mercy by actually sparing you the
*real* trip. In this vision the thought of going to Ohio was all that was
needed. Congratulations. You must have passed the test.]
At this point the yak slipped on the nothing-less-than-spectacular
Armor-All job I had completed earlier in the day, left the coffee table
with a maneuver which should have an Olympic event dedicated to it, and
joined me on the living room floor, thankfully dislodging the red wine from
the choke hold it had on me. Employing a patented Bruce Lee move, I
snapped to my feet, and in the ensuing head-rush, saw OTIS and the
thrashing yak fade from sight, leaving me to wonder about the exact
ontological status of my perceptual framework. I also have some serious
qualms about the possibility of removing what appears to be yak fecal
matter from the carpet.
[You had better save that fecal matter. It's a gift from Otis. He could be
most displeased you have had another vision and you did not have the yak
do-do display proudly on top of the television on say a silver tray with a
large friendly label saying "Holy Yak Droppings." You might want to try
having an eye catching "Biff!" or "Pow!" near by and try for a bit of a
batman motif.]
Does this mean I am required to travel to Ohio, or can I simply read an
attractive brochure? And will baking soda do the trick?
[As I said above just thinking of travelling to Ohio seemed to be enough.
However, every good OTISian should plan on a trip to Kenyon sometime,
especially during one of the official OTISian festivals. Perhaps you should
consider building a shrine to Ohio with the silver platter containing the
Yak Droppings as the centerpiece. You can pray over this every morning
before going to work. Keep a postcard of Ohio in your wallet. Look at it
when you are having a trying day. Clearly Ohio is important to you
otherwise OTIS would have never brought it up.]
Conceptually bankrupt,
- Gregg
####===================================================================####
SQUIDBRAIN ADS.
####===================================================================####
Date: Thu, 5 Mar 1992 08:12:00 EST
From: LYDIA FISH <FISHLM%SNYBUFVA.BITNET@VM1.NoDak.EDU>
Subject: Translating ads (x-post)
SquidBrain Ads.
Long ago we brought you some American advertisements that were translated
into foreign languages - recall the Frank Perdue chicken ad slogan, "It
takes a hard man to make a tender chicken" which was rendered in Spanish
as, "It takes a sexually aroused man to make a chicken affectionate." Some
new examples:
- In China, a Coca-Cola ad used Chinese symbols to sound out "Coca-Cola"
phonetically. The soda company withdrew the ad after learning the
symbols "Co" "Ca" "Co" "La" meant "Bite the wax tadpole".
- In Taiwan, Pepsi's slogan "Come Alive with the Pepsi Generation" was
translated on billboards as "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the
dead".
- In French Cananda, Hunt-Wesson attempted to use its "Big John" brand
name by translating it into French as "Gros Jos", a colloquial French
phrase for a woman with huge breasts.
- When the gringos at General Motors introduced the Chevrolet Nova in
Latin America, ads appeared all across Latin America heralding the
arrival of the new, reliable Nova, which in Spanish means "Doesn't
go".
--
Trung Tran
trung@sjsumcs.SJSU.EDU
####===================================================================####
SMILEY FACES
####===================================================================####
[It's been well over a year since we had our last avalance of smiley faces.
It's time for more!]
Date: Thu, 5 Mar 92 17:04:51 MST
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
From sabbott@NMSU.Edu Thu Mar 5 16:09:09 1992
Date: Thu, 5 Mar 92 16:09:06 MST
BABYL OPTIONS:
Version: 5
Labels:
Note: This is the header of an rmail file.
Note: If you are seeing it in rmail,
Note: it means the file has no messages in it.

0, unseen,,
*** EOOH ***
From: stella@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (RICHH)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: ft confession jfr
Date: 1 Mar 92 02:11:07 GMT
Organization: University of Pennsylvania
Nntp-Posting-Host: eniac.seas.upenn.edu
In article <1992Feb29.135049.160@desire.wright.edu> dhoward@desire.wright.edu (sparky: longing for sahuarita) writes:
>my boss does this bit with the colons, dots, and brackets
>when we communicate via email or talk. ...:):) real weird.
>i have no idea what it means. i'm afraid to ask.
>
Oh, Sparks.
You are advertising your newbieness.
We have called things such as :) "Fleek" for years.
Here is a list, in case you ever see any others:
:-) We are all, each of us, alone
B-) I pray daily for death
8-) I was the second gunman
#:-) Everything you know is wrong
:-( I will start with those you love most
@= Kafka was a momma's boy
;-) If you touch my daughter again, they won't be blanks
:-P I have a longer tongue than Gene Simmons
:-b Same as previous, only it is cloven
:-D I am wearing garters
:-o "Oh, the humanity!"
#:-o Jesus built my hotrod
(:-) I never sang for my grandfather
<:-) Dumb question
oo It's cold out
O>-<|= Messages of interest to women(read: recipes to follow)
;-) Wink ( take this message with a fifth of grain)
|-( Yawn
:^) Is *that* your nose?
:-{#} Brace-face
(:-# Fuck this noise
(:-$ Message indicating person is ill--informed about the
Renaissance
(:-& Message indicating person is a Rosicrucian
(:-* Kiss it
(:-( Message indicating person is Sting
(:^( Message concerning Jack Nicholson in Chinatown
(:<) Message concerning Rastafari
B-) "Holy trichinosis!"
.---... ABBA fan
@%&$%& N.W.A. fan
2B|^2B Forty Seconal should suffice
{ User is a psycho
@>--->---- O Rose, thou art sick
The invisible worm
That flies in the night,
In the howling storm
Has found out thy bed
Of crimson joy
And his dark secret love
Does thy life destroy.
RICHH
####===================================================================####
BUREAUCRACY IN ACTION
####===================================================================####
Date: Fri, 6 Mar 1992 11:27:42 EST
From: admindgp@SN479.UTICA.GE.COM
Subject: A morbid lil tidbit for ya :)
I already know how distasteful this is so flame away.
From the Utica NY Observer dispatch 6 Mar 1992:
BUREAUCRACY IN ACTION
Greenville SC (AP) Relatives of a dead man received a letter saying his
food stamps would be discontinued because he died, but he can reapply if
anything changes.
Al Palanza Jr.'s brother died about 2 weeks before the letter arrived.
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is
a change in your circumstances," the letter said.
Greenville County social services director Robin Kubler said the letter is
a form generated by a computer. The "May God bless you" was added by a
caseworker to soften the statement.
-------------------
I can't help but wonder why the caseworker didn't think to edit the
letter. I can also imagine....
Butler Funeral Home
Smith Street
9 March 1992
Greenville County Social Services Dept
Main Street
Greenville, SC
Dear Sirs,
My situation has changed as indicated in your letter of March 5th.
I'd like my foodstamps restarted. I would also like to know if the local
blood bank accepts them.
Derrick Palanza
####===================================================================####
PRIMATES
####===================================================================####
Date: Tue, 10 Mar 92 11:04:09 MST
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
From sarty@convex.csd.uwm.edu Tue Mar 10 07:00:46 1992
From: Jay A. DeSart <sarty@convex.csd.uwm.edu>
Subject: John Paul II, Lord of the Jungle
Just to pass on something you might find interesting:
Article 301 of wi.general:
From: bill@pslu1.psl.wisc.edu (Bill Roth)
Subject: Your Eminence, could you pass the bananas?
Date: 10 Mar 92 01:19:24 GMT
Date: Thu, 5 Mar 92 10:37:55 -0800
From: Rex Black <rex@devnet.la.locus.com>
Subject: Name this risk... [Primative logic]
>From: Michael Travers <mt@media.mit.edu>
Toronto, Canada:
Archbisop George Cram enjoys a banana once in a while, but he's not the
kind of primate that ape researchers had in mind. The University of
Wisconsin's Regional Primate Research Center sent Cram, primate (senior
archbishop) of the Anglican Church of Canada, a questionnaire while
preparing an international directory of primatology. The envelope was
addressed to "George Cram, Primates World Relief and Development Fund."
The Reverend Michael Ingham, secretary for the senior archbishop, suggested
in a letter of reply that "primates in your study are perhaps of a
different species. While it is true that our primate occasionally enjoys
bananas, I have never seen him walk with his knuckles on the ground or
scratch himself publicly under the armpits," Ingham said. "There are a
mere 28 Anglican primates in the whole world," he said. "They are all
males, of course, but so far we have had no problems of reproduction."
The research center's director, John Hearn, promised to strike the church
from a computer database and added in a letter to Ingham; "In our zeal to
develop a comprehensive directory, we have strayed on this occasion from
the arboreal to the spiritual." --
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jay A. DeSart "...and the African-American women
Department of Political Science sing: do-do-do-do-de-dodo-do-do-do-
University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee de-dodo..." Lou "PC" Reed
. . .and several butcher's aprons.
####===================================================================####
REAGAN
####===================================================================####
[OTIS has really struck this new convert. Even before they received one (1)
of their issues of Purps they're already mainlined into OTIS.]
Date: Thu, 12 Mar 1992 08:42 EST
From: GARBETT@utkvx.utk.edu
Subject: Reagan
Thought you'd like to know a few facts about Reagan. Reagan in his
pre-president days was very active with fundamentalist groups. One of the
revivals he attended was given by none other than the great Brother Otis
himself. Brother Otis said that when he met Reagan he had a vision of great
power and destiny (density?) in store for Reagan. Further confirming his
vision he felt an electrical jolt when he shook m Mr. Reagan's hand.
There's a few things I'd like to know about this.
Was it a Purple Thunderbolt of SPODE?
[Actually a little know fact is Reagan got his start in the movies through
a carnival. He was Zappo the Amazing Man. He used to be able to shoot bolts
of electricity out of his hands, or hold light bulbs and toasters in his
hands and turn them on. As the grand finale of his act, he'd get an
volunteer from the audience to come forward and using his electric hand
power alone would give the volunteer a shave with an electric razor run
off his "internal human dynamo."
Nany ended up marrying Marrying Ron for those electric hands which she was
quoted as saying, "They're a lot more fun than the limp fish I'm used to."
Of course later Reagan suppressed this talent in order to live a normal
happy life. Still occasionally this hidden talent of his will come slipping
out.
Of course this story could be absolutely false in order to cloud the truth.
Send money to the IGHF and find out.]
Why would OTIS choose Mr. Reagan t to be our President?
[This is probably one of Spode's jokes he's famous for.]
Does the White House have OTIS elevators?
[Yes. Nixon had 4 additional ones installed when he came to power. They are
concealed behind a wall of the Oval Office and supposedly lead to secret
underground chambers containing something totally alien.]
How come Dan Quayle can only muster visions of being a Jelly Donut (aka
Dr. Spin).? =|->
[Because due to Dan's laziness he was unable to complete the entire OTISian
training regiment and so only is able to have very small minor visions
usually dealing with food.]
=|->
CyberGarp Clone #777 Royal Heir to the Porcelain Throne.
####===================================================================####
FRIGHTENED
####===================================================================####
Date: Mon, 16 Mar 1992 09:30 EST
From: GARBETT@utkvx.utk.edu
Subject: Frightened
"The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I want the
job." -- Ronald Reagan in 1973
"I am a jelly donut." -- Dan Quayle in 1992
Please note the light at the end of the tunnel was turned off due to
economic and conservation reasons.
####===================================================================####
SLASH AND THRUST
####===================================================================####
[Yep told you it might get a bit gruesome.]
Date: Fri, 13 Mar 92 14:34:55 MST
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
From owhite@NMSU.Edu Fri Mar 13 13:33:32 1992
Date: Fri, 13 Mar 92 13:33:31 MST
mail this to mal, see if he can use it.....
a few choice paragraphs from the text, "SLASH AND THRUST", a book on the
delicate art of knife handling, by John Sanchez.
"A final word about quick kills. If the opponent has fallen, great care
must be taken when finishing him off. An example follows."
"The enemy has been disarmed by a forceful cut that flung the knife from
his hand, rendering his arm useless for fighting. One of his legs is
crippled, and bleeding heavily. He is kneeling on the ground, still
conscious. Assuming that total neutralization is necessary, the next
reasonable step would be to launch a quick kill attack. Yet even though it
is impossible for the opponent to fight, he can still thrash about on the
ground, grapple with his enemy, ward off the finishing strike with his
remaining good arm, and generally make a sloppy scene. This may not matter
to a 250 pounder who has just dropped a puny adversary. But this same
untidy situation can be very dangerous to the attacker when the downed
opponent has a considerable size advantage over him."
"At this point, the wounded man should be held motionless in order to
administer the final strike. But this is a good tactic only if the strike
will not cause heavy bleeding. For example, if he administers a throat
slash, the killer's face and upper body may be immediately covered with
blood. "High profile" indeed. Of course this is to be avoided as a general
principle."
"As an alternative, the old adage about skinning cats comes to mind. Here
one would stay out of the wounded man's reach, and kill him with a few
powerful kicks to the head. I am not saying that the quick killing strike
is a defective tactic. All that the above recommends is that the knife
fighter must remain flexible in thought, and precise in deed; even to the
very end."
####===================================================================####
SECRETS
####===================================================================####
Date: Fri, 13 Mar 92 15:40:24 MST
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
From cshort@NMSU.Edu Fri Mar 13 15:35:47 1992
Date: Fri, 13 Mar 92 15:35:46 MST
Subject: this is not your father's spleen
scragged from the star trash feeds:
the TOP TEN secrets about the Enterprise and its crew
-----------------------------------------------------
10) All routine maintenance on the ship is done by Oompa-Loompas
9) Dr. Pulaski was sealed alive in a seldom used Jefferies tube by Data
after she insulted him one too many times
8) Riker's parents were Nazis, his middle initial "T" stands for "Third"
7) Troi starts all counseling sessions with male crew members by asking
"So, is that a phaser rifle in your pocket, or are you just glad to
see me?"
6) Before joining Starfleet, Jean-Luc Picard was a Chippendale's dancer
5) "Worf" is Klingonese for "pinhead"
4) Riker amuses himself by signing all reports with the abbreviation
"F. Off."
3) Geordi is taking a shuttlecraft apart and mailing it home piece by piece
2) Picard is Wesley's father
1) Due to a time travel accident, Wesley is Picard's father
Attention top ten fans: the next list will be posted this Friday,
since I will be on vacation next Monday.
--
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
:: David W. Kimball :: WARNING: The surgeon general has ::
:: Snark Hunting major at UNH :: determined that reading silly .sigs ::
:: dwk1@kepler.unh.edu :: may be hazardous to your health. ::
:::::::::::::::::::::::::> You rang? --Lurch <::::::::::::::::::::::::::
####===================================================================####
HAPPY FUN BALL
####===================================================================####
[If you check the above note by the Pope he mentions the Happy Fun Ball as
well. What is this mysterious artifact? Yet another weapon to fight off the
approaching Zakinthians?]
Date: Sat, 14 Mar 92 08:21:00 MST
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
From sbradley@NMSU.Edu Fri Mar 13 22:44:20 1992
Date: Fri, 13 Mar 92 22:44:19 MST
Subject: Happy Fun Ball
Status: R
Happy Fun Ball
-only $14.95-
Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should avoid
prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.
Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.
Happy Fun Ball Contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture,
should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.
Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:
*Itching
*Vertigo
*Dizziness
*Tingling in extremities
*Loss of balance or coordination
*Slurred speech
*Temporary Blindness
*Profuse sweating
*Heart Palpitations
If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and
cover head.
Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.
When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container
and kept under refrigeration...
Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products
Incorporated, and its parent company Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and
all liability.
ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which
fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.
Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also
being dropped by our warplanes on Irag.
Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee.
Happy Fun Ball
ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!
####===================================================================####
THE PSUEDO-QUANTUM
####===================================================================####
Date: Wed, 18 Mar 1992 14:42 EST
From: GARBETT@utkvx.utk.edu
Subject: The Psuedo-Quantum
Rules for Quantum Mechanics:
1) Waves/Particles know when your looking at them.
2) When you're not looking they do what they want.
3) You can't know everything.
4) Everything is inter-connected.
5) The universe almost has an underlying symmetry.
Famous experiments you can try:
Relativity--
Walk in a straight line. Observed that you are actually standing still and
the earth is rotating under you. It's all relative, stop taking other
peoples viewpoints into account and become ego-centric. Hey, it's your
right to believe that the universe revolves around you. Or maybe everyone
else is right also, and the universe is revolving around them. Makes you
kinda dizzy doesn't it.
Here's a fun one: Leave a vacuum cleaner out in an electric storm and see
if mother nature actually abhors a vacuum. They always tell you she does.
Next you could try to stop thinking and observing the world around you. (Do
not try while driving) Totally forget about everything. Then open your eyes
and see if the world is still there. If you really forget everything, how
can you know that the world isn't radically different than the one you just
left? This could be a totally alien world to the one you just left. It
could be defined by everyone else thinking about it. If the universe is
contructed from a collective consensus of observation, convince all of your
friends to stop thinking for a short time to see if together you can change
reality. A few hints for you: If you find it hard to stop thinking, just
remember Reagan and use his name as your mantra. This should solve any
difficulties. This process can also be aided by any mind-altering
substance.
Define Universe with two examples: The perceived world. 1) mine 2) yours.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cyber-Garp Clone #9
####===================================================================####
WORDY DEFINITIONS
####===================================================================####
Date: Fri, 20 Mar 1992 16:06 HKT
From: "Spode" <LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu>
Subject: from yesterday's news summary
BUTTOCKS NEEDS WORDY DEFINITION:
Lawmakers in St. John's County, Fla., took 136 words to flesh out a law
regulating display of the buttocks in an anti-nudity ordinance debated
Wednesday. Part of it read: "The area at the rear of the human body which
lies between two imaginary lines running parallel to the ground, when a
person is standing." It would be the county's answer to erotic waitress
attire, for one.
####===================================================================####
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
####===================================================================####
--Subink 1992
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