2240 lines
100 KiB
Plaintext
2240 lines
100 KiB
Plaintext
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***** ****** ****
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** ** ** ** ** Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
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** ** ** ** The Summer Version of
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***** ***** ** The Purple Thunderbolt of Spode
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** ** ** **
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** ** ** ** **
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***** ****** ****
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***** ***** ***** *****
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***** ***** ***** *****
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************* ************* ************* *************
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** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** **
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********* ********* ********* *********
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** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
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***** ***** ***** *****
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Yep looks the same but it ain't
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================================================================
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 26
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================================================================
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"South Florida's Very Own REPLIES TO: barker@acc.fau.edu
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Non Alien Run Electronic Magazine"
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* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
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*** P P U U R R P P S
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***** P P U U R R P P S
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******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
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********* P U U R R P S
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*********** P U U R RR P S
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***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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* **** *
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*** *** ***
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**** * *****
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************************************
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****************************************
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************************************
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**** ***** *****
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*** ***** ***
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* ***** *
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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***********
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*********
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*******
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*****
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***
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*
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WRITE TO: IGHF/43 Mitchell Grant Way/ Bedford, MA 01730-1264
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===========================================================================
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INTRO
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===========================================================================
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Well here we are once again. As usual I'm cobbling this together at the
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very last instant. I suppose I should stop doing these things, still you
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got a purps right and it's on time.
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Anyways on with the show. I want to get this sent out. It's already late as
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is.
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Inside you'll find:
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Demonic Possession
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Optima Plan Part III
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Crack Crazed Rodents
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Wacky News from Hongkong
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A New Otisian Talks to Mal
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Men's Unspoken Rules
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Join Up Now!
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Boar Sperm
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More from Hongkong
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Plagiarizing Multiple Personalities
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Lazarus Act
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News of the Weird
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Revelations of a SOG
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More New from Hongkong
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So You Want to Submit to Purps
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More News of the Weird
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Elvis Does it Again
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Naked During Sex
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Baby with the Bath Water
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More from Hongkong
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Football: Religious Rite
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Roller Coaster of Death
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And Still More NOTW
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Polish Folk Magick
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A still More News of the Weird
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Walt Frozen
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The Final Word from News of the Weird
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===========================================================================
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DEMONIC POSSESSION
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===========================================================================
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From: jbs@rti.rti.org (Joe Simpson)
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Subject: Re: Computers and daemonic possession
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Date: 15 Jul 91 21:33:50 GMT
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[stuff deleted]
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I even still had this one archived.
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From the Weekly World News, date unknown (Ca. 1986):
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Desperate Bank Officials hire Indian Holy Men to Exorcise...
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D E M O N C O M P U T E R
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* It's killed two women and put one in a coma *
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By Robin James
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Officials of a large bank have called in exorcists to rid a possessed
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computer terminal of the demon that killed two workers and put another in
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a coma.
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"It sounds absurd and superstitious in these days to talk about demonic
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possession, but we have no other explanation," said Jorge Montalbo, vice
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president of customer relations at the bank in Valparaiso, Chile.
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In just five months since the terminal was installed, three operators
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were stricken while at its keyboard.
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"Our employees refuse to work with it and fear that if the terminal is
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removed, the demon inside will slip into the entire computer system."
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The terminal, consisting of a TV screen and keyboard, was one 13
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installed in the bank along with a new $7.3 million computer system, said
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Montalbo.
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Two weeks after she began working with it, Louisa Morello, a
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27-year-old mother of two, was found sitting before the video screen, her
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mouth open and an empty look in her eyes. She was rushed to a hospital
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where she remains -- in a brain dead coma, said Montalbo.
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Two other women also worked with the terminal. Each was found by
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co-workers slumped over the keyboard -- dead. Doctors said the first died
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of a massive stroke.
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No one knows what killed the other, a 22-year-old-girl with no medical
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problems. Baffled doctors who performed an autopsy labeled her death as
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due to "mysterious circumstances," he said.
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"At first, we decided to just remove the terminal," said Montalbo. "But
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the workman who came to carry it away fainted when he tried to unplug it
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from the system. Luckily, he revived a few minutes later.
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"But our employees began calling the terminal cursed by the devil and
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possessed. A spokesman for the workers said they will all quit unless holy
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men are brought in to vanquish the evil within the device."
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Montalbo also said the bank has sent for three Inca spirit-breakers who
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live high in the Andes, 200 miles from the city.
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Meanwhile, the terminal has been cordoned off and the terrified bank
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workers give it a wide berth.
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"If the exorcism doesn't work and someone else dies while using the
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terminal, we'll have to scrap all of our computers and spend millions
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getting a new system," said Montalbo.
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"Otherwise, no one will work here."
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===========================================================================
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OPTIMA PLAN PART III
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===========================================================================
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Date: Sun, 21 Jul 91 23:40:18 CDT
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From: Reverend John <UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
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Subject: never too early
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well since I didn't get around to doing clippings for purps 24, here's
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Optima Plan part 3 way early. hopefully I'll get off my butt and do
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clippings this time out. stewy already has seen this story and is writing
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a new one that ties into it. more to come. this is just the beginning...
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;-)
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Rev
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Optima Plan, part three
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by Rev. John
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uc521832@umcvmb.missouri.edu
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Steph glanced around the bus. There were perhaps thirty people on
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board this Chicago-Milwaukee run. She would have preferred to fly but
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Spode was a bit low on cash at the moment (hopefully the 1-900 plan
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would take care of that) so taking the Greyhound route was about the
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only option.
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The other passengers were rather seedy-looking. The bus had stopped
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for over half an hour in some corn-pone Wisconsin town while she slept.
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When she woke up, everyone who had been on was gone, and in their place
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were these sluggish louts. Most of them looked semi-comatose and likely
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were on food stamps.
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She fingered the file of clippings nervously. They had not been taken
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from the regular daily paper she got the usual News Of The Weird items
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from. Rather, they had come to her in an unmarked envelope, slipped
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under her door. She had built up a wide network of contacts in the
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greater Chicago area and apparently it had finally paid off. The
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clippings were standard NOTW's but with curious little marks and dots
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on them. She figured they were some sort of code, but just what they
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meant would be up to the OTISian party's super computers in Florida.
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About then the bus passed an on-ramp and a bulky black van pulled up
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alongside. Abruptly the driver's window on the van rolled down and an
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arm reached out, holding a device apparently made of cardboard and tin
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foil. A bent-out-of-shape coat hangar protruding from the top began
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to whirl, and suddenly the driver of the bus collapsed onto the floor.
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There was a sudden squeal as the wheel turned with the man's comatose
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hand and the bus angled onto the shoulder of the road. The other
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passengers on the bus looked alarmed. Steph clutched the envelope even
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tighter and tried to get a look at the driver of the sinister black
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van.
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Over half of the passengers produced weapons from their coats
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and bags, and a hail of gunfire blew out the right-hand windows. Steph
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briefly glimpsed one of the passengers clambering over the front seat
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to grab the wheel.
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Bullet holes tracked across the side of the black van, in a trail of
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sparks and ricochets that suggested that the vehicle was heavily plated.
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A vent on top of the van popped open. From a speaker somewhere within
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came a stunningly loud voice.
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'Ephstay, uckday!' came the shout, and Steph's training kicked in.
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Recognizing the OTISian Standard Pig Latin Code she hunched down to the
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floor. From the open vent on top of the van a machine gun angled up and
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out, and began spraying the side of the bus as casings skittered down
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the road behind. The curious passengers twisted and jerked as the
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dum-dum rounds struck in great bloody blossoms. When the fire cleared
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and Steph glanced up, the van had pulled off the road and was following
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along the slowing bus. Shortly both vehicles came to a stop. A figure in
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dark clothing hopped out of the driver's seat of the van and burst into
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the bus.
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'Let's roll Steph they got a convoy coming,' Shark yelled through the
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thick smell of cordite and fluids. Steph bounded out of her seat,
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grabbing her attache as she did so. The two of them hurried out of the
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bus and into the van, and inside of a minute the bus stood alone on the
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side of the road.
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'So what's on the tapes?' asked Stewy as Rev stood there looking smug
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as usual.
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'Information,' he said. 'Some stuff that SamHill dug up. I just got it
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cracked.'
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'So? What's it about?'
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'Well it's about the births of the divine children, and their
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significance in the New World Order.'
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'You mean Humpy Stumpy's and Shark's?'
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'Not just them.. the rest, too.'
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'The rest? How many divine children are there?'
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Rev was quiet for a moment. When he spoke it was in a soft voice that
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betrayed his amazement at what he was saying.
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'All of them.'
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'All? All of what?'
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'All of them. The appearance of Humpy Stumpy heralded not just the
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births of the divine children we knew of. Her appearance signified a lot
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more.'
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'So what do you mean, all of them? How many?'
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'All of them. Like from now on. Every child born after Humpy's is a
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divine child.'
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'What?!?'
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'SamHill was looking into the existence of Heaven and Hell, after all
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that business with Mal taking over Hell and all. Well, from what he
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found, it seems that Satan disappeared a heck of a lot farther back than
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anyone ever thought.'
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'Slow, Rev, slow. What's the deal?'
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'Okay, from what SamHill found out, Hell was actually more or less
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disbanded back in the dark ages. The people of Earth were locked into a
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period of zero growth, zero knowledge, so OTIS worked out a deal for
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Satan to give up his job. In exchange, all the demons fled hell and came
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to live within the souls of man. So instead of hell being this external,
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mythical force, people learned to confront their own demons from within.
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The result was electrifying: the Renaissance was the first and most
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important result. For the first time, humanity realized that evil could
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be found within itself, as well as without.'
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'And?'
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'Well that's just it. The appearance of Humpy the Stumpy Bear in our
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world means that Heaven has finally decided to do the same thing. All
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that is base and evil already exists within humans (along with the basic
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neutrality we started with). Now, Humpy Stumpy's coming signifies the
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merging of all that is good and right with humanity. Finally, the true
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promise of Eden will come to fruition.'
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'Which means?'
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'Humpy - or Eve, whatever you want to call her - is bringing about the
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ultimate merging of Heaven, Hell, and Humanity. OTIS set it in motion
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back when he captured God (stubborn old fool) and shut him away down in
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the abandoned depths of Hell.'
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'But I thought Mal was the one who did that.'
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'That's just it. That's what we never figured on.'
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'What?'
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'Mal is OTIS.'
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Stewy's butt fell off.
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to be continued
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===========================================================================
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CRACK CRAZED RODENTS
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===========================================================================
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From: ldoering@caen.engin.umich.edu (Laurence Doering)
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Subject: The Weekly World News strikes again!
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The July 23 issue of the WWN blows the lid off the latest hazard menacing
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residents of New York City. If you thought albino alligators in the sewers
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were bad, brace yourself for the CRACK-CRAZED SQUIRRELS!
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--------------
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"Squirrels go nuts over crack cocaine"
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Big-city squirrels have become addicted to discarded crack cocaine --
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and they're ripping innocent people to shreds in a drug-crazed search for
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more!
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"It's worse than anything we saw in the hippie drug years of the '60s and
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'70s," observed Carl Langford, a New York City parks supervisor.
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[...]
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"Whenever you get scavenging wildlife eating refuse in city streets, you're
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bound to get a few animals with illegal drug problems," said Dr. Nathan
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Connors, a social anthropologist with a U.S. anti-drug task force.
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He said that in the past, when LSD and marijuana were drugs of choice,
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"a squirrel would devour a remnant of a marijuana cigarette or a dose of
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LSD, then have a bad trip. But these were isolated episodes. There
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was none of the pitched violence and mayhem that we're now seeing with
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squirrels on crack," Connors said.
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"When they're flying high, a pack of crack-crazed squirrels can chew a man's
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leg off in no time," Langford added.
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Sharp-eyed pedestrians can protect themselves by looking for telltale signs
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of these furry, four-legged druggies. Authorities say that crack-addicted
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squirrels can be easily recognized "by their dilated pupils and heavy
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breathing. Also, they tend to scratch a lot since they're often infested
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with crack-dependent fleas and ticks."
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--------------
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Larry
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"Madonna Says Space Aliens Cloned Hitler To Help Bigfoot Steal Her Baby"
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Doering
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===========================================================================
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WACKY NEWS FROM HONGKONG
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===========================================================================
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South China Morning Post - 11 July 1991
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Gloria Estefan's fans of the male persuasion are seizing the moment
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on Gloria's _Into The Light Tour_ and flinging their underwear at the
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Miami singer at the rate of about a dozen pairs a night, _USA Today_
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reports. Noting the upscale nature of her audiences, Estefan said:
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"Calvin Klein is the No 1 brand."
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Sunday Morning Post Magazine - 19 July 1991
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--on July 19, 1965: The first volume of Chairman Mao Tse-Tung's selected
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works was published in Braille.
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--on July 20, 1875: Professional football was legalized in Britain.
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[and look what this came to! -Spode]
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--on July 22, 1934: US Public Enemy No 1, John Dillinger, was hot dead
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by FBI agents outside a Chicago theatre.
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 19 July 1991
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_Night Safe_
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Headhunter Glendon Rowell of Boyden International told us that the
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best bit of wisdom he had heard about the banking crisis came from his
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amah:
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She said: "If God had wanted us to have banks, he would not have
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given us mattresses."
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==========================================================================
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A NEW OTISIAN TALKS TO MAL
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==========================================================================
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[This is probably a bit garbled and confusing but I thought it was amusing
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at the time so I threw it in here. Here yet again are more important clues
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to Otis.]
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<Mal> the Popes b-day is his b-day celebration. Last time around the forces
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of evil assassinated him. This woman leapt out of a cake and
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machine gunned him down.
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<Mal> the pilgrimage is a trip to Otis Mass. You eat at the Chicken Licken
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restaurant and have a ceremonial viewing of Brows Balls.
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<New> what is brows balls?
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<Mal> Well brows.. well testicles (or however you spell them)
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<Mal> Brow is yet another Otisian deity. Brow is rather violent and has a
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bad temper.
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<New> The what do you see at Brow Balls?
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<Mal> Well brows balls are in a jar of rubbing alcohol in the museum at
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Otis Mass.
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<New> Wait, are there real followers here?
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<New> how many?
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<Mal> Nope just you and me now.. Followers where in Mass? Quit a few.. the
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Pope is there after all.. and Preacher Tim and his house of blue light.
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<Mal> Otis is a global religion now. Australia, Russia, England,
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everywhere.
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<New> ..no all over...how many in all?
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<New> What do these people do besides make purps...
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<Mal> Dunno I must have about 100 on line with the dis and it getting
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splattered all over the place. Dunno the Pope must have over 200 last time he
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counted on his snail mail.. probably a lot more now. We've exploded over
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the past few months.
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<Mal> Well we just on here make purps. They out there do the Otisian
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Directory. a directory of really neat stuff you can get thru the mail like
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zines and crap. And there are the weekly mailing of Otis stuff. Also the
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various rituals and secret
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<New> So what do you all do? just have parties?
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<Mal> initiation documents.
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<New> zines? crap?
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<Mal> Parties.. those are sacred rights. We do expeditions too. The Pope went
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to Europe and beyond for a year.
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<Mal> zines=magazines crap=all manner of weird and wild things.. tapes,
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artifacts, mail art, books, records.. you name it.
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<Mal> One of our loyal followers just went off to the Soviet Union too.
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<New> what sacred rights?
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<New> expeditions for what?
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<Mal> Rites to worship Otis of course. Otis needs to be worshiped and
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besides it's fun.
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<New> What does Otis need?
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<Mal> Well to gain more knowledge and converts. I mean you don't think Dr.
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Simpson got all the stuff for Otis by sitting around on his butt do you?
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<Mal> Otis needs everything really. Especially money though. Setting up a
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1-900 number ain't that cheap.
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<New> Dr. Simpson?
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<Mal> Dr. Simpson the Castrated. He's the real scholar of the lot. He did
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an expedition to the Gobi in search of remnants of the Cities of Red Night
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and got castrated in the process. He did however discover the infamous
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Stone Fezzes and various secret rites involving yaks.
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<New> yaks?
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<Mal> Now he's working on an exacting time line of the Otisian Movement.
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Which stretches back to the dawn of time.
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<Mal> Yaks.. large furry/hairy cow type beast found in tibet.
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<New> ...does everyone have to go through an initiation process?
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<Mal> used as a beast of burden and by some as a warped recreational
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device.
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<New> What do you have to do for initiation?
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<Mal> Only if you want.
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<New> kiss the yak?
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<Mal> Well we can't tell you that since it's a secret. You'd need to talk
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to the Pope. I can't initiate you.
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<New> So what happens after initiation?
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<Mal> Kiss a yak. No.. We do not do anything to yaks! the rumors of such
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things were started up by the evil B. Otis and the Zacharians.
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<Mal> Oh you go on to do bigger and better things. Help fight the evil B.
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Otis. Do a tour of duty in the invisible navy, be a curator at the Otis
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Mass. Museum... write for purps (though anyone can do that.)
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<Mal> Oh and preach to the masses the truth of Otis.
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<New> Where and how do you preach the masses on the truth of Otis? What is
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the truth of Otis?
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<Mal> Man the phone lines on the 1-900 number.
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<Mal> Well it's all encoded there in the Purps. It's all rather complicated
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and part of the initiation is finding out for yourself.
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<New> Why does Otis need a 900 number?...for what?...this is confusing...
|
|
|
|
<Mal> Well Otis needs a 900 number to spread the word of course. You can
|
|
call it up and be enlightened. The Rev John has a campaign ad on there for
|
|
the Otisian party.
|
|
|
|
<New> mal, how many issues of purp have been published?
|
|
|
|
<Mal> Well of course it's confusing. You only discovered Otis today. Look
|
|
how confusing xianity is to the uninitiated.
|
|
|
|
<Mal> 25.. 26 by tomorrow.
|
|
|
|
<New> xianity?
|
|
|
|
<Mal> Christianity.
|
|
|
|
<Mal> Look at the blood and body bit. That's pretty confusing to the
|
|
ignorant.
|
|
|
|
<Mal> Of course the Otisians are not Cannibals.
|
|
|
|
<New> mal, do you get paid for all this?...does the Pope get paid?..does
|
|
anyone?
|
|
|
|
<Mal> Paid? This is a religion. You're not supposed to get paid for doing
|
|
religion. The Pope just needs money for his publications and religious
|
|
paraphernalia. And to subsidize Dr. Simpson's exotic expeditions.
|
|
|
|
<New> Where is Dr.simpson?
|
|
|
|
<Mal> Pittsburgh now. He's doing some research for his next expedition.
|
|
|
|
<Mal> They are still looking for skilled diggers I think. (there's a blurb
|
|
out that in the purps I sent you.)
|
|
|
|
<New> skilled diggers? to where? has he decided?
|
|
|
|
<Mal> those stone fezzes still need to be investigated.
|
|
|
|
<New> stone fezzes?
|
|
|
|
<New> ...guess you keep up with all these thing huh...mal...are you
|
|
required to memorize them?
|
|
|
|
<Mal> Hmm not sure. Dr. Simpson is not telling many people where he's
|
|
going. he had some trouble last time he went.
|
|
|
|
<Mal> I keep up cause I have contacts with the inner circle. This is
|
|
important stuff so I have to have it memorized.
|
|
|
|
<New> oh...well, where did simpson go last time?
|
|
|
|
<Mal> To the Gobi.. well that's the last one they told me about.
|
|
|
|
<New> Why the gobi...to find what?
|
|
|
|
<Mal> Gobi has a lot of weird stuff few have found.
|
|
|
|
<Mal> OH because of the Cities of Red Night that were once there.
|
|
|
|
<New> ...cities of Red Night?
|
|
|
|
<Mal> There are a lot of rumors floating around the gobi used to be a
|
|
tropical paradise with advanced cities and stuff.
|
|
|
|
<New> Where does the Doc get his money from?
|
|
|
|
<Mal> 7 cities (don't quote me on it.) William S. Burroughs wrote a book
|
|
on them.
|
|
|
|
<Mal> Also Carcosa could have been in the Gobi as well. Or something that
|
|
came before Atlantis. Or even Valsuria land of the Serpent People.
|
|
|
|
<Mal> From grants mostly and his own pocket. there are a lot of people
|
|
who's names don't wish to be associated with such things that give him
|
|
money.
|
|
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
MEN'S UNSPOKEN RULES
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
[Yet another article on Men. We seem to be starting some kind of series
|
|
here.]
|
|
|
|
Date: Mon, 22 Jul 1991 21:39 HKT
|
|
From: Spode <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
|
|
|
|
----- Begin Included Message -----
|
|
M A N -- To -- M A N
|
|
--------------------
|
|
|
|
MEN'S UNSPOKEN RULES
|
|
...................
|
|
By Mark Canter
|
|
|
|
For modern men, we've compiled a brief list of those unspoken
|
|
guidelines. These rules look fairly ridiculous on paper, but now that
|
|
we've documented them, you can show them to your wife or girlfriend and
|
|
say, "See, honey, I'm not the only one who does this stuff..."
|
|
|
|
THE MALE PRIME DIRECTIVES:
|
|
|
|
* On car trips with the family, never ask for directions when you're lost....
|
|
Just keep driving aimlessly around, searching for the mysterious Lost Street
|
|
of the Damned. Navigate by the seat of your pants like the great Lewis and
|
|
Clark explorers of old.
|
|
|
|
* But it's okay to stop for directions when driving with another guy...because
|
|
he won't sit patiently as you pass the same McDonald's for the third time.
|
|
|
|
* Inch forward at stoplights to keep up with the guys in the cars on both
|
|
sides....It's all about who's out in front.
|
|
|
|
* Even if you don't know a hub cap from a distributor cap, never admit you're
|
|
a stranger to the male domain of auto mechanics....If your car won't run and
|
|
you're at a loss for words, try "Could be a cracked ring. Have you checked
|
|
the compression?"
|
|
|
|
* A real man doesn't need the instruction sheet to figure out something as
|
|
simple as programming his new VCR...but to cook something as simple as
|
|
oatmeal, a guy will follow the recipe with the exactitude of a chemical
|
|
engineer.
|
|
|
|
* Don't confess that you know little, and could care less, about a particular
|
|
sport, especially if it's during the finals...."Yeah, that Bo, he's really
|
|
something. WOW!, did you see that hook shot!."
|
|
|
|
* Never admit you don't understand a political issue.... Opinions are like
|
|
whiskers. You're not an adult male without them.
|
|
|
|
* There's no need to consult the TV Guide when there's a remote control handy
|
|
...Just divebomb through all 51 channels, evading commercials like flak, in
|
|
the never-ending search for a suitable landing spot.
|
|
|
|
* If you spill something on the floor, clean it up with a bath towel....It's
|
|
unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel around with your
|
|
feet.
|
|
|
|
* Never pay one of your buddies a compliment. Instead say things like
|
|
"Where'd you get your haircut, the school for the blind?" or "Who is that
|
|
awesome blonde I saw you with, and what are you going to do for a date once
|
|
she meets me?"...He'll instinctively get the message that this means you
|
|
value his friendship.
|
|
|
|
* If a man cuts you with one of those insults, tell your girlfriend that it
|
|
hurt your feelings, and you'll come off more sensitive than Phil Donahue.
|
|
But never reveal it to the other guy.... "Coach, when you said I was a
|
|
low-life turdbrained doofus for striking out with the bases loaded, it made
|
|
me feel small and sad."
|
|
|
|
* Never reveal anything about your true, actual authentic and biological sex
|
|
life to another guy...unless the guy is your urologist.
|
|
|
|
* A man should make as much as or more money than his girlfriend or wife. He
|
|
should be as tall or taller, and at least as smart. Naturally, he should
|
|
be able to outplay her in many activity, from Ping-Pong to chess....Having
|
|
met these requirements, he should be liberated enough to be unconcerned
|
|
about such things.
|
|
|
|
* If there are more than two urinals in a restroom and one is being used,
|
|
proceed to the farthest available urinal. If a line has formed, maintain
|
|
proper spacing of at least 3 feet back from the guy using the urinal....
|
|
Above all, if nothing happens within 30 seconds, don't just stand there
|
|
like a geek; shake (3 shakes maximum, any more and the guy next to you will
|
|
probably ask you for a date), zip up your fly, flush the toilet and walk
|
|
away.
|
|
|
|
* When you're in the men's room alone you needn't wash your hands when you're
|
|
finished...but if another guy is in there with you, scrub your hands as if
|
|
you were preparing for brain surgery.
|
|
|
|
* If you can't take it, you're not a man (whatever "it" might be)....Maybe
|
|
you're scared of roller coasters, but if your buddies want to go on one,
|
|
you'd better gird your loins and groan through the zero-Gs or you'll never
|
|
hear the end of it.
|
|
|
|
* Ignore or deny physical pain...As comedian Billy Crystal reports, "Mike
|
|
Tyson once hit Trevor Berbick so hard, Trevor did the dance Ann-Margret did
|
|
in Bye Bye, Birdie. Did he hurt you, Trevor? 'I was, ah, stunned, that's
|
|
all, just stunned.'"
|
|
|
|
* Never openly display a broken heart or discuss it with other guys....That's
|
|
between you, your six-pack and your collection of Frank Sinatra records.
|
|
|
|
* Don't tell another man your deepest hopes or fears....That' s like saying,
|
|
"how do you like my suit of armor" It's only got two weak spots in it--
|
|
here and here."
|
|
|
|
* If you want to lose weight, don't even think about giving up Ben & Jerry's
|
|
Chuncky Monkey ice cream....Instead, pull on your running shoes and pound
|
|
those calories into submission.
|
|
|
|
* Every guy should be hip about guns....Hand an economics professor a
|
|
Remington, and even if he's never been with 100 light years of a gun before,
|
|
he'll work the action, sight down the barrel and generally act like a
|
|
reincarnation of Daniel Boone or Rambo.
|
|
|
|
* If your girlfriend is looking on, flip aloofly through that issue of
|
|
Playboy as if it were a Better Homes and Gardens special issue on
|
|
Tupperware. In a huddle of your peers, pause regularly to utter appreciative
|
|
comments like "WOW! Check that out!"...and if you're alone, study and
|
|
quantify each curve like a forensic scientist.
|
|
|
|
* When shopping with your mate, do not trail her into the women's lingerie
|
|
department....Stand clear of those racks of silk-and-lace panties like a
|
|
mechanic would avoid the Whirling Fanblades of Death.
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
JOIN UP NOW!
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
Are the pressures of your ordinary mortal existence getting you down? Have
|
|
you no where to turn for help? Does it seem like everyone has deserted you?
|
|
|
|
Ever notice how elevators have Otis written on them?
|
|
|
|
Ever notice what that guy on the Andy Griffith show who was drunk all the
|
|
time was saying?
|
|
|
|
Ever listen to Otis Reading?
|
|
|
|
Do you know why they called a town in Mass. Otis?
|
|
|
|
Have you heard whispers of the infamous Haystack monument?
|
|
|
|
Do you want to know the secret Masonic Signal For Distress?
|
|
|
|
Ever thought of making a sound religious investment?
|
|
|
|
If you can say yes to any of the above questions then Otis is for you! Yes,
|
|
Otis the modern stream lined religion. No blood! No guts! Why sit on your
|
|
fat butt in church when you could be out playing bartrek?
|
|
|
|
As Vice Presidential Candidate Stewy says: "Well, if I have to pick one,
|
|
it's gonna be Otis stuff. It's easy to read, sounds cool and he uses
|
|
todays lingo."
|
|
|
|
Yes fill that vacuum in your life with Otis. Learn the secret doctrine of
|
|
Pope Cool I. Learn to speak globalized neo-Latin!
|
|
|
|
Stop being jealous of all those other secret societies. Otis is for you.
|
|
They'll turn green with envy when they hear the news you sent you money
|
|
into Otis.
|
|
|
|
Who's Otis you ask? Why he's none other than the multisex and omnipotent
|
|
ancient god of Sumeria. Who needs a new fangled Christian god when you can
|
|
have the real stuff. An ancient Sumerian god. He's had thousands of years
|
|
more practice at being a god. She knows exactly what her worshipers want
|
|
and demand so little in return.
|
|
|
|
Join up now before it's too late! Ragnorock is rapidly approaching. When
|
|
they pull the plug out of the great reality projector who's side will you
|
|
be on?
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
BOAR SPERM
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
[Yes it' science time once again folks. Remember in the last issue we
|
|
brought you the excitement of testicle exams, this time we have boar
|
|
sperm. Not only can Purps be entertaining and enlightening, it can be
|
|
educational.]
|
|
|
|
From: mayers@cemmva.cem.msu.edu
|
|
Subject: Re: Boar sperm mishaps
|
|
Date: 2 Aug 91 20:03:52 GMT
|
|
|
|
Seeing as SIKES isn't the storytelling type, lemme give it a try.
|
|
|
|
The interesting point in this story is that the friend just happens
|
|
to be a minor (she's 16). The legal implications might be interesting.
|
|
|
|
The collection of the Boar sperm is normally handled by trained personnel,
|
|
but on the day in question all of them had maliciously disappeared. The
|
|
girl's professor/mentor was forced to do the collecting himself. The
|
|
normal donor bull was not in, so a young, inexperienced boar was led into
|
|
the stall. The professor collected the semen using what they call the
|
|
"Gloved hand method" without gloves, and eventually had a milk jug like
|
|
container full of semen. A cheesecloth was placed over the mouth of the
|
|
container and the whole thing was inverted to let unimportant liquids drain
|
|
off. (Sperm Concentrate? Will it replace Vegemite?) Then she and her
|
|
professor tried to get the boar back in his stall. But by this time the
|
|
boar had figured out that they weren't pros, and got free. The boar ran
|
|
amok, and circled the stalls where the other boars were penned up. My
|
|
friend left her professor to catch the boar, because it was time to turn
|
|
the milk jug over and take off the cheesecloth. She got the first part
|
|
done, then it happened. She only grabbed one side of the rubber band
|
|
holding the cheesecloth on the jug (it was the side nearer her.) When she
|
|
pulled, the cheesecloth came flying off and narrowly missed her. What
|
|
followed it did not. She was covered from her hair to her waist in Semen
|
|
Concentrate (which stinks rather badly: see discussion of garlic eaters'
|
|
semen, then think of what boars eat). The stuff even got in her blouse.
|
|
Yech!
|
|
|
|
At any rate, she took four showers, and now washes her hands every 15
|
|
minutes. Trauma like this might permanently turn her into a vegetable,
|
|
or, even worse, a scientologist!
|
|
|
|
Psycotherapists who work cheaply are desperately needed in this case.
|
|
|
|
Hope you enjoyed the show.
|
|
-Anson "Wow, my first quotes-inbetween-my-names-thingy" Mayers
|
|
--
|
|
"My mind is a terrible thing to waste." -Dan Quayle
|
|
"Live long and prosper." -Leonard Nimoy
|
|
MAYERS@CEMVAX.CEM.MSU.EDU MAYERS@CEMMVA.CEM.MSU.EDU
|
|
MAYERS@MSUCEM.bitnet CEMVAX::MAYERS
|
|
The views expressed herein may not be viewed by viewers without viewing
|
|
assistance from a viewing apparatus.(In my view, at least.)
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
MORE FROM HONGKONG
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: Mon, 22 Jul 1991 21:41 HKT
|
|
From: Spode <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
|
|
Subject: Two more from Hong Kong
|
|
|
|
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 19 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Colour of Money_
|
|
|
|
A contact of ours known as Mr X was in a jewelry shop on Nathan
|
|
Road, helping a tourist buy a watch.
|
|
He handed over a $500 banknote for a $400 watch.
|
|
The jewelry owner in return handed the tourist a wad of red
|
|
$10 notes.
|
|
"Hang on a minute," said Mr. X. "Hongkong $10 notes aren't red."
|
|
"Oh, yes, they are," said the shopkeeper.
|
|
"But I've been here for years and I've never seen red ones."
|
|
"Er. They are new. They have just been issued."
|
|
Anyway, Mr. X demanded that the tourist receive the change in normal
|
|
green ones and they left the shop.
|
|
What a strange story. Is this a currency-switch con that tourists
|
|
should watch out for?
|
|
Or have Hongkong counterfeiters been using cheap colour photocopiers
|
|
again?
|
|
|
|
[note from Spode: until I get around to screwing it up, $10 notes are green,
|
|
$20 notes are orange, $50 notes are purple, $100 notes are red, $500 notes
|
|
are brown, $1000 notes are yellow.]
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
|
|
South China Morning Post - 22 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Sterilization Fears Cause School Panic_
|
|
|
|
Hundreds of parents, fearful that immunization of their children
|
|
could lead to sterilization, surrounded a school in east China's Jiangxi
|
|
province armed with iron bars and knives, the _Xinmin Evening News_
|
|
reported.
|
|
At other provincial schools in Yichun city, students gathered outside,
|
|
afraid to be inoculated against disease because of rumors that it would
|
|
make them sterile.
|
|
And in villages parents snatched children from school when they saw
|
|
the inoculation van.
|
|
The newspaper said the rumors started because people confused the
|
|
Chinese word for immunization, *mianyi*, with the one for sterilization,
|
|
*mianyu*.
|
|
-Reuters
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 19 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Cracking Pace_
|
|
|
|
Mr. Dino Chincotta, a lecturer at Hongkong University, was born in
|
|
Gibralter, Europe's fastest growing financial centre, and likes to keep
|
|
an eye on events in that part of the world.
|
|
Which is why he phoned to tell us that the "First Annual Nutcracking
|
|
With the Bottom" championships was recently held in the basque village of
|
|
Kortezubi, 199 miles from Madrid.
|
|
The contest was won by Spaniard Jose Luis Astoreka, 34, who crushed 30
|
|
walnuts using his buttock muscles in 57 seconds. His brother Juan Ramon
|
|
came second, according to Gibralter journal _Panorama_.
|
|
Would any Hongkong corporations fancy sponsoring this?
|
|
Mr. Chincotta said: "These are brave men. A miscalculation might have
|
|
resulted in more cracked nuts than they bargained for."
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
PLAGIARIZING MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
From: ccuppern@s.psych.uiuc.edu (Cyndi Cuppernell)
|
|
Subject: Multiple personalities
|
|
Date: 17 Jul 91 18:24:15 GMT
|
|
|
|
|
|
From the July 16, 1991 Champaign-Urbana News-Gazette:
|
|
|
|
U.S. District Judge Harold Baker has dismissed the lawsuit filed by a
|
|
former University of Illinois graduate student who claimed his expulsion
|
|
for plagiarism was discriminatory because he suffers from a multiple
|
|
personality disorder.
|
|
|
|
Lary Sanders, who was a student in speech and hearing science, was
|
|
expelled in February for submitting a plagiarized paper to his advisor,
|
|
Joan Erickson. Sanders said in court documents that one of his
|
|
personalities had submitted the paper to get Erickson's attention.
|
|
|
|
end of quote.
|
|
|
|
The judge threw the case out. My husband suggested that the university
|
|
should have just expelled the one personality. My question is, did each
|
|
personality have to take the graduate entrance exam? What about tuition?
|
|
Were they each charged tuition?
|
|
|
|
Later in our newspaper (same issue) I found:
|
|
|
|
A syndicated thingy they put on the comics page is called "Our Fascinating
|
|
Earth". It includes all kinds of trivia about all kinds of stuff.
|
|
Yesterday's entry reads:
|
|
|
|
A-A-A-A-H-H-H-H!
|
|
|
|
In 1971 a Swiss couple vacationing in Hong Kong, stopped into a Chinese
|
|
restaurant for dinner, and asked the waiter to take their pet poodle,
|
|
Rosa, into the kitchen and feed her. THE WAITER MISUNDERSTOOD, and about
|
|
1 hour later HE SERVED THEM ROSA done to a turn in a sweet sauce and
|
|
garnished with vegetables. The meal was uneaten while the COUPLE WENT
|
|
INTO SHOCK.
|
|
|
|
end of quote.
|
|
|
|
Sounds kind of ULish to me. The newspaper's editor agreed with me.
|
|
|
|
Cyndi Cuppernell
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
LAZARUS ACT
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: Mon, 22 Jul 91 13:14:42 CDT
|
|
From: Reverend John <UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
|
|
Subject: Lazarus act
|
|
|
|
well here's an article you might could use. no doubt other people will
|
|
type this in too but what the hey.
|
|
|
|
Rev
|
|
|
|
From the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, July 22, 1991
|
|
(C)1991 Reuters News Service
|
|
|
|
Romanian Man Returns From The Grave
|
|
BUCHAREST, Romania - A woman fainted when she opened her front door in
|
|
Bucharest to see her husband back from the grave three days after he
|
|
was buried.
|
|
The mad - identified by the Romanian weekly Tinerama as Neagu - had
|
|
stopped breathing and collapsed in a fit of coughing after he choked
|
|
on a fishbone.
|
|
The family doctor, who knew Neagu had a heart ailment, did not think
|
|
twice when he proclaimed the 71-year-old man had died of a heart
|
|
attack.
|
|
But three days later, gravediggers at the cemetery heard someone knock
|
|
on wood.
|
|
They opened Neagu's coffin to find him alive among wilted flowers.
|
|
Neagu went back home - only to find that his wife and children did not
|
|
want him.
|
|
His wife, fearing he was a ghost, barred him from spending nights
|
|
at home.
|
|
His two sons told him to stay away from his grandsons.
|
|
The worst came when it took Neagu three weeks to persuade the police,
|
|
town hall officials, bank clerks, doctors and priests to cancel his
|
|
death from their registers.
|
|
|
|
----------------------------
|
|
|
|
This is, of course, a sign of great and awesome portent. Soon all the
|
|
old celebrities will pop back up and we'll have Fred Astair & Ginger
|
|
Rogers dancing again, John Wayne making films about Iraq, and the old
|
|
grandparents from the Waltons. All thanks to the OTISians of course.
|
|
The pope must be working overtime for all these miracles and things.
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
NEWS OF THE WEIRD
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: 23 Jul 91 18:54:00 EDT
|
|
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
|
Subject: NOTW, as usual
|
|
|
|
Grim humor from "Weird Undertaker Stories":
|
|
|
|
In Palermo, Italy, the funeral of Antonio Percelli was halted when
|
|
Percelli, mistakenly declared dead, climbed out of the casket. Percelli's
|
|
move so startled his mother that she died on the spot of a heart attack, &
|
|
was buried later at the gravesite that had been ordered for Percelli.
|
|
|
|
A New Jersey police chief was accused of ordering the opening of a grave
|
|
because he had realized that he had loaned the grieving family a hat for
|
|
the casket- viewing but had not gotten it back after the funeral.
|
|
|
|
And from "Unusual Weapons":
|
|
|
|
In Bedford TX, a 16-yr-old boy and 2 companions held up a 7-11 convenience
|
|
store in 1984, brandishing only a snake. They made off with 3 6-packs of
|
|
beer as the clerk wrestled with the biting but nonpoisonous garter snake
|
|
the youths tossed at him.
|
|
|
|
A 52-yr-old woman in Albany, NY successfully warded off a young man intent
|
|
on taking her purse, striking him repeatedly with a hot fudge sundae she
|
|
had just purchased at an ice-cream parlor.
|
|
|
|
The following has been seen on the net and in this distribution list quite
|
|
some time ago, from sources other than the official News of the Weird...
|
|
but bears repeating, I think:
|
|
|
|
In Birmingham, Alabama, a man was convicted of assault and battery after
|
|
hitting his wife over the head repeatedly with their 1-1/2 lb. chihuahua
|
|
during a domestic dispute.
|
|
|
|
And, as long as we're talking violence and death here, these are from the
|
|
chapter called "Spectacular Suicide Attempts":
|
|
|
|
Nino Placenza, 75, tried to kill himself in Bradenton, FL in 1983 by
|
|
drilling a hole in his head with a power drill, but only wound up in
|
|
intensive care.
|
|
|
|
A London man survived successive suicide attempts that involved driving
|
|
his car head-on at 70mph into a bridge embankment & grabbing a
|
|
132,000-volt power line.
|
|
|
|
Another Briton, from Taunton, failed in 7 attempts to kill himself after
|
|
break- ing up with his girlfriend in 1987. He threw himself at a total of
|
|
4 cars & 1 truck, jumped out of a window, & tried to strangle himself. One
|
|
of the car drivers suffered a heart attack, & 2 policemen were injured
|
|
trying to restrain the man.
|
|
|
|
A Lincoln, NE man was unsuccessful in his suicide attempt. He had dropped,
|
|
respectively, a telephone, a radio, an electric fan, & a toaster into his
|
|
bathtub while bathing.
|
|
|
|
A 17-yr-old bodybuilder leaped 135 feet from the San Mateo Bridge in CA,
|
|
intend- ing to commit suicide, but when the leap failed to kill him, he
|
|
swam 1/2 a mile to an embankment, fell asleep, then woke the next morning
|
|
& climbed a maintenance ladder under the bridge back to retrieve his
|
|
truck, which had just been towed away in preparation for rush-hour
|
|
traffic.
|
|
|
|
[And some successes from the same chapter:]
|
|
|
|
Doris Kennedy, 38 weeks pregnant, hanged herself to death in her London
|
|
apart- ment in 1985 because of depression resulting from construction
|
|
delays to the new baby's bathroom.
|
|
|
|
Roh Ki-hwa, 34, a Seoul housewife, hanged herself to death in 1987 because
|
|
she was embarrassed at her failure to prepare her husband's lunch on
|
|
schedule during a company picnic. She had forgotten to set her watch ahead
|
|
1 hour for the May 10 changeover to daylight savings time, Korea's first
|
|
such changeover in 25 years, & was thus 1 hour late in making the meal.
|
|
|
|
A 38-yr-old Orland Park, IL man, distraught over an argument with his
|
|
girlfriend about buying drapes, killed himself by cutting a hole in his
|
|
waterbed, sticking his head through it and drowning himself.
|
|
|
|
A man, about 35 years old but carrying no identification, shopping at a
|
|
Phoenix pawn shop, asked the clerk if he could plug in a 10" circular saw
|
|
to test it before purchasing it, then committed suicide by practically
|
|
cutting his head off.
|
|
|
|
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|
|
Steph (StephK on IRC) "Walk lightly in your dreams;
|
|
kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu They might come true for you tomorrow."
|
|
-- Kirsty McColl
|
|
Stephanie Klein "This country 'tis of them not me,
|
|
123 S. Madison And I spit when they tell me I'm free."
|
|
LaGrange, IL 60525 -- Pimentos for Gus
|
|
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
REVELATIONS OF A SOG
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
Revelations of a SOG
|
|
by Stewy
|
|
|
|
Huge women were lying on the floor of a large gym, breathing in an
|
|
erratic manner, yelping from pain and screaming at their husbands,
|
|
boyfriends or whomever they could get to come to the class and show
|
|
some shower of support.
|
|
|
|
"No way, I'm not going in there," Shark told herself and started to
|
|
walk out of the door but was somehow drawn back and found herself
|
|
sprawled on the floor, leaning against the wall and holding a small
|
|
teddy bear. "Damn you Gepherie, I'll get you for this one you
|
|
sleathing, good-for-nothing bastard!"
|
|
|
|
She held the white teddy bear in her strong hands, squeezed its neck
|
|
as if it were the Pope's head and an apparition appeared. "Breath
|
|
Shark, breath. In and out, in and out, just like normal, but you
|
|
like gotta do it a little faster and all." It was Stewy and Rev, an
|
|
image of each one in the eyes of the teddy bear and they weren't
|
|
looking like a summer's day.
|
|
|
|
"Guys, hey, glad you could make it. This lamaz shit is for the
|
|
fucking ducks, I'm telling you. I mean shit, look at all these fat
|
|
women and I still look the same as I did before I got pregnant, yet
|
|
DAMN those occasional kicks." She peered closer into the eyes of the
|
|
teddy bear and glanced around at all the people to make sure they
|
|
weren't watching her. Most of the women were too busy breathing and
|
|
screaming to notice Shark's little display of a minor aberration.
|
|
|
|
"Sheesh, you two don't look so good. What's up?" Shark asked in
|
|
between breaths as she found herself becoming slightly dizzy.
|
|
|
|
"We've had a few problems, but nothing that won't be fixed in a
|
|
jiffy. Code Purple-Level One," both Rev and Stewy said and
|
|
disappeared. With that, Shark hopped up from her mat and flew out of
|
|
the gym door, jumped into her compact car, put the teddy bear in the
|
|
passenger seat and strapped it in safely and blared AC/DC on the way
|
|
home.
|
|
|
|
Mal sat on the submarine ship amongst an array of flashing disco
|
|
lights, drinking a large chocolate Slim Fast and chatting with
|
|
Commodore Presley when Stewy and Rev appeared in the candle. "Psst,
|
|
like hey, yo Mal, over here," they said. Their images were
|
|
overlapped, but Mal could tell who was who with no effort at all.
|
|
|
|
"Well hello there. My, you two look like you've had a rough day. You
|
|
haven't disobeyed any of the gods, now have you?" Mal said with a
|
|
whisper and stared into the candle, stopping for a moment to glance
|
|
around the room and take a swig of his straight-up Slim Fast.
|
|
|
|
"Listen Mal, we've run into a few problems and we're gonna need some
|
|
help. Code Purple-Level One," they said and vanished. Mal returned
|
|
to his quarters with the Commander, closed the door and placed the
|
|
candle on the floor in the middle of the room. They meditated for a
|
|
moment, and Mal flipped his long bangs back so he could see what was
|
|
going on and sat on the floor Indian-style and waited for the next
|
|
message.
|
|
|
|
Shark arrived at her place, with Steph in hand, after a miraculous
|
|
rescue from members of the evil Optima Plan. They went to Shark's
|
|
personal hideout in a shed out in the small backyard of her parents'
|
|
Wisconsin home, closed the door and a small light from the ceiling
|
|
turned on. Shark pushed one of the levers hidden behind several
|
|
rakes and brooms and a small platform raised up from the ground. A
|
|
few seconds later, they found themselves underground in a top secret
|
|
OTISian office that Shark had built months ago in an effort to keep
|
|
all OTISian doings a secret.
|
|
|
|
"Like wow, what the heck is all this stuff?" Steph asked, dusting
|
|
off her Chucks that aided in her life being miraculously saved.
|
|
|
|
"Well, I'm the security advisor, I have to have all this security
|
|
stuff around, ya know. We can decode that information from the NOTW
|
|
clippings and get it sent to the rest of the crew, but we got a
|
|
special meeting coming up right around now," Shark said, staring at
|
|
her high-tech digital watch that doubled for a poisonous water
|
|
squirter.
|
|
|
|
They sat on two old stools and lit a special OTISian candle with
|
|
special OTISian matches that were flown in from Massachusetts
|
|
somewhere. Smoke began to fill the room and images of all the
|
|
presidential campaign OTISian members were visible except for the
|
|
Rev and Stewy.
|
|
|
|
"Oh, and just WHO the hell is gonna pay for my Mac?" Stewy sobbed,
|
|
staring at a mutilated glob of melting plastic.
|
|
|
|
"It'll be taken care of. You're a SOG, remember?" Rev said as he was
|
|
grabbing all the Chucks and placing them together to form a star.
|
|
"It's time," he said and lit a candle. Images of Mal, Humpy,
|
|
Commander Presley, Shark and Steph were all visible.
|
|
|
|
"OK, listen up. We've got a problem," the Rev said. "Optima Plan is
|
|
getting closer and we need the information like now. I've decoded
|
|
Samhill's messages and we need the info from Steph."
|
|
|
|
Shark removed the clippings from their casing and punched away at
|
|
the special OTISian computer for a few minutes before coming back to
|
|
the candle.
|
|
|
|
"I've got it and it's weird...very weird. I'll need a little more
|
|
time to check things out, work around some of the weirder coding and
|
|
I should have it all within an hour or so," Shark said into the
|
|
smokey mist.
|
|
|
|
Mal removed Humpy from his shirt pocket and put his ear to Humpy's
|
|
mouth and listened to every word with such care.
|
|
|
|
"Humpy says something is up. Something is gonna happen soon, but she
|
|
doesn't know what it is or when it'll happen. I think we need those
|
|
codes cracked like right away," Mal said with a serious look on his
|
|
face and put Humpy back into her home, resting somberly near Mal's
|
|
heart. On the night stand next to Mal's cot was Humpy's chariot, a
|
|
blue 'irregular' Converse All-Star.
|
|
|
|
"OK, we need all the pieces to the puzzle before we can see the big
|
|
picture, so send me the info as soon as you got it figured out,
|
|
Shark," Rev said as he stared at one of the holes in the apartment
|
|
that was allowing sunlight to peek into Stewy's pad.
|
|
|
|
Stewy's SOG powers were feeling an odd disturbance, but she shook it
|
|
off to concentrate on the candle's smoke. Now was not the time for
|
|
outside influences.
|
|
|
|
"Stewy, I'm feeling something weird. Something really weird," Steph
|
|
said. "It's my newly acquired SOG powers telling me something and
|
|
I'm kinda scared."
|
|
|
|
"I know, I'm feeling it too, but I don't know what it is and I
|
|
haven't time for this. I'm scheduled to do my press speech in ten
|
|
minutes over at the stadium," Stewy said feeling a tingle along her
|
|
spine.
|
|
|
|
"Well ok, let's get back together in two hours and compare notes,"
|
|
Rev said as he stood up and stared out the holes again. The images
|
|
faded and the candle went out.
|
|
|
|
Shark went about her business typing away at the computer, Steph
|
|
stood beside her watching, and the Commander and Mal were preparing
|
|
for the upcoming events. Mal walked over to the closet, opened a
|
|
special box marked 'COMBAT MATERIAL' and strapped on his jungle
|
|
boots in a matter of seconds.
|
|
|
|
"Listen Rev, my SOG powers are acting up and so are Steph's.
|
|
Something bad's gonna happen, so I'm going to have to temporarily
|
|
make you a SOG member until I can consult with Stewy the Vice
|
|
President in Charge of Membership and see what the deal is. But this
|
|
is only TEMPORARILY, so don't go like getting all happy or
|
|
anything."
|
|
|
|
A big smile appeared on the Rev's face and he was rubbing his hands
|
|
together like this was a big thing.
|
|
|
|
"But...you need CHUCKS and since we ain't got time to got get like
|
|
size 15 or anything, I'm gonna have to let you borrow a pair of
|
|
mine," Stew said walking to her closet to find a pair she had
|
|
planned on throwing away so she could cut the toe portion off so his
|
|
foot might fit, but she couldn't bare to part with any.
|
|
|
|
"Hmm, I can't do it. I just can't I tell you, but I'll like let you
|
|
put your big toe in one of them, so you can like at least get the
|
|
vibes and all."
|
|
|
|
"Damn, just when I thought I was gonna like become a real member,"
|
|
Rev said putting his big toe into one of the shoes. He held his
|
|
green hand, waved it about a little and WHAM, the Mac was fixed.
|
|
"I'll just work on this code stuff till you get done with the
|
|
speech."
|
|
|
|
"SHIT, how the hell did you do that? Holy buckets, my Mac, it's like
|
|
back," Stewy shouted with an overwhelming amount of joy.
|
|
|
|
"This had BETTER qualify me for SOG material now," he said with a
|
|
grin.
|
|
|
|
Stewy walked out of the apartment building, hopped into her car and
|
|
headed for the stadium. She kept feeling an odd disturbance, but
|
|
with the Rev temporarily having SOG powers and Steph being an
|
|
official member, there was no need to worry yet.
|
|
|
|
*** to be continued ***
|
|
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
MORE NEWS FROM HONGKONG
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
|
|
Date: Fri, 26 Jul 1991 13:35 HKT
|
|
From: Spode <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
|
|
Subject: a few tidbits from Hongkong]
|
|
|
|
South China Morning Post - 23 July 1991
|
|
|
|
[3-column wide photograph of man with massively bandaged ring finger of
|
|
left hand not included]
|
|
|
|
Australian trade union boss Frank Belan nurses his finger after the
|
|
top of it was bitten off during a heated discussion in West Sydney. Mr.
|
|
Belan, New South Wales secretary of the National Union of Workers, said
|
|
he was having talks with the Transport Workers' Union when he was attacked
|
|
by members of the other team.
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 23 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Flying Visit_
|
|
|
|
Mr Mike Murad, boss of the International Bank of Asia, won many
|
|
hearts with his response to the recent bank-run crisis. He took out a
|
|
full-page advertisement in this newspaper thanking loyal customers, and
|
|
saying "we understand" to the panicky ones who believed false rumours.
|
|
|
|
Today he is planning to personally visit 17 branches of his bank.
|
|
His staff have worked out his schedule to the second, including socialising
|
|
times and traveling times to Central, Sha Tin, Tsuen Wan and so on. He will
|
|
have precisely eight minutes to check out the staff at each of the 17
|
|
branches. Clearly he is going to give new meaning to the term "bank run".
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
South China Morning Post - 18 July 1991
|
|
|
|
Gourmet's gallop ... well done, the management of the Horse and Groom
|
|
pub in Lockhart Road, Wan Chai. There doesn't seem to be a single spelling
|
|
mistake in the items listed in this menu (above), which is a real
|
|
achievement in Hongkong. What a pity they got their own name wrong on the
|
|
cover ...
|
|
|
|
[the photo above show the menu cover, declaring "The Hores & Groom
|
|
Pub & Restaurant".]
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
South China Morning Post - 16 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Achatina Fulica_
|
|
|
|
[photograph of three snails (and a human) left out - one snail was roughly
|
|
1" long and 1/2-1" high; the other was roughly 7-10" long and 4-6" high;
|
|
the third was another small one, tucked into its shell sand riding on top
|
|
of the big one.]
|
|
|
|
Australian quarantine officer Dennis Griffin keeps an eye on an [sic]
|
|
Giant African Snail, or Achatine Fulica, which dwarfs a couple of common
|
|
garden snails. Ten of the giant snails, banned in Australia, were brought
|
|
into the country by a Nigerian woman who claimed she was going to eat them.
|
|
They will be killed later this week. Members of the species weigh almost
|
|
half-a-kilogram each and as hermaphrodites able to lay 1,200 eggs a year
|
|
are the most sexually prolific snails in the world. For example, in 1975,
|
|
one of the snails was found in American Samoa. By August 1980, authorities
|
|
there found 21 million of the snails.
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 16 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Sweet and Sour_
|
|
|
|
The Hongkong Government, long searching for a way of widening the tax
|
|
base, should consider what California did yesterday: introduced a Munchy
|
|
Tax. This is a rise in the sales tax applied to items in an 87-page
|
|
compendium of snacks and sweets. This must be the first time any document
|
|
from a tax office has listed items such as "Rain Blo Neon Gum Shipper" and
|
|
"Pink Peeps". "We are not happy campers," said Don Beaver, head of the
|
|
8,000-member California Grocers Association, bitter understatement oozing
|
|
from every pore. "There are 4,000 different items [on the list] and we
|
|
asked the State that if they were going to do it, do it all, don't have
|
|
exemptions. But nooo, nothing's easy any more," he groaned.
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 22 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Local cabbies use a little spit and polish_
|
|
|
|
Ten thousand dollars is a lot of money for a taxi ride from the Conrad
|
|
hotel to Mid-Levels.
|
|
But this was a ride with a bit extra.
|
|
Our driver had taken to heart the suggestion that taxi-drivers should
|
|
try to make a bit of cash on the side by using their cars as mobile shops.
|
|
But since there is not much room in a cab, he had opted for a small-
|
|
volume, high-cost product: bird spit.
|
|
He had a perspex unit built onto the dashboard displaying six lumps
|
|
of solidified swallow's saliva, the main ingredient in bird's nest soup.
|
|
"One kilo costs [HK]$10,000 to $15,000," he said, handing a lump of
|
|
white-ish gooey stuff over his shoulder for us to fondle.
|
|
This grandiose gunge comes from nests in the cracks of mountains in
|
|
Indonesia and makes your face more beautiful, as well as prolonging your
|
|
life.
|
|
The driver's firm, Hing Tat Co, also offers a high-speed delivery
|
|
service for people in urgent need of swallow's saliva.
|
|
If you place an order for an eight of a catty or more, they promise
|
|
delivery within two hours.
|
|
Since it would be jolly hard to find the same taxi driver again,
|
|
passengers are urged to make a decision on the journey or take a telephone
|
|
number.
|
|
It seems to us that all they need now is a catchy slogan. Saliva
|
|
Arriva? Spitball Express? Gobspeed?
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
South China Morning Post - 16 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Sinatra still calling his own tune_
|
|
|
|
Getting an audience with Frank Sinatra is never an easy task for a
|
|
reporter.
|
|
Given Sinatra's rocky track record with journalists, the chances of
|
|
prising anything revealing out of him would seem difficult if not
|
|
impossible.
|
|
Writer Walter Thomas certainly learned his lesson when he tried to
|
|
write a story on Sinatra for _Interview_ magazine. The entertainer
|
|
came up with five conditions before he'd even agree to open his mouth
|
|
for Thomas.
|
|
-He would talk only before his show in New Jersey and only during
|
|
his stroll from the dressing room to the stage.
|
|
-The journalist would wait for him in a hallway under the supervision
|
|
of a security guard.
|
|
-He would agree to applaud Sinatra when he entered the hallway.
|
|
-He would not ask the singer for an autograph.
|
|
-The resulting story would use the name of a liqour manufacturer
|
|
sponsoring the singer's tour.
|
|
The longest quote Thomas got was when Sinatra asked a minder: "Are we
|
|
going to the car now?"
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
South China Morning Post - 19 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Dateline New York: Coming out with the bald truth_
|
|
-by Charles Bremmer [reprinted without permission]
|
|
|
|
For the past two years, some prominent Americans have lived in fear
|
|
of being "outed". This is the controversial technique, practiced by
|
|
Queer Nation and other militant homosexual groups, of exposing "closet
|
|
gays".
|
|
Film stars, politicians, television journalists and prominent
|
|
doctors and businessmen have featured on lists posted around New York
|
|
and published in magazines such as _Outweek_. That city weekly has just
|
|
closed as a result of feuding among the editors, but the militants of
|
|
Queer Nation have promised to fight on to reveal the homosexuality of
|
|
certain "politicians and Pentagon spokesmen".
|
|
Now a different militant group has latched on to the same logic.
|
|
The Bald Urban Liberation Brigade (Bulb) has informed New York news-
|
|
papers that it is embarking on "a radical media campaign to wrest the
|
|
toupees from the chrome domes of America's leading celebrities".
|
|
Bulb has already begun pasting up "Absolutely Bald" posters which
|
|
seem to be modeled on the Absolutely Queer ones circulated by the
|
|
homosexuals. The first victims include Ted Danson, the film star and
|
|
macho barman in _Cheers_, the most popular show on American television,
|
|
as well as Charles Bronson and Larry Hagman.
|
|
The stigma of hair loss seems to remain as strong as ever, despite
|
|
the efforts of the new "sensitivity police" to expunge discriminatory
|
|
thinking and speech. The hirsute should, we are told, avoid referring
|
|
to baldness as such and use instead the term "follically challenged".
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
From the Pittsburgh (either 7/13 or 7/14) Press:
|
|
|
|
Word 'icon' misused
|
|
|
|
"I was appalled at the use of the word 'icon' in your July 9 article on
|
|
computers.
|
|
Being a member of the Antiochian Orthodox Church of North America, in
|
|
which 'icon' is a sacred word, I was amazed to see the use of the word
|
|
pertaining to pictures of pencils, paper, printers, etc.
|
|
But, then the word 'gay' has been misused in today's society."
|
|
|
|
Michael Cross
|
|
Carnegie, PA
|
|
|
|
Does this mean that a PC running windows is not PC ?
|
|
|
|
[This is perhaps related to the strange feeling I get whenever I mount
|
|
my hard disk. -Your Moderator]
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
this one is a bit twisted. It was sent to me by someone living in Knox
|
|
County, Ohio - where I lived for nine years. Just hit delete if it
|
|
offends you too much...
|
|
|
|
|
|
You may be a Know County Redneck if ............
|
|
|
|
...you have more than three shirts with cut off sleeves.
|
|
|
|
...you have ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
|
|
|
|
...your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
|
|
|
|
...you show someone your belt buckle when they ask to see your I.D.
|
|
|
|
...your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her lips as she tells
|
|
the patrolman to kiss her fat ass.
|
|
|
|
...your dog and your wallet are both attached to a chain.
|
|
|
|
...your dog gags watching you eat your dinner.
|
|
|
|
...your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
|
|
|
|
...your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has
|
|
an opening on the lube rack.
|
|
|
|
...you view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
|
|
|
|
...you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
|
|
|
|
...your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
|
|
|
|
...you've had to scratch your sister's name off a restroom wall.
|
|
|
|
...your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
|
|
|
|
...your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
|
|
|
|
...Copenhagen sends you a Christmas card. [Copenhagen chewing tobacco -ed.]
|
|
|
|
...your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
|
|
|
|
...you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
|
|
|
|
...the directions to your house include "hang a left at the gravel road."
|
|
|
|
...you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
|
|
|
|
...your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
|
|
|
|
...after making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
South China Morning Post - 4 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Dateline Beijing: A dog's life on the run in the city_
|
|
by Andrew Browne [reprinted without permission]
|
|
|
|
The scruffy mongrels in the Beijing animal shelter, some snarling
|
|
and angry, some eager for affection, have one thing in common: they have
|
|
all been rescued from China's "dog-beating squads".
|
|
It was here that Xiao Zhang brought her pet after four policemen
|
|
burst into her apartment one recent afternoon intent on beating it to
|
|
death.
|
|
"Two of the policemen pinned me down while the other two lashed out
|
|
at my dog with iron bars," she said. "Somehow I managed to wriggle free,
|
|
grabbed the dog and clasped it tightly against my chest."
|
|
The policemen left only after she promised to have the dog destroyed
|
|
herself.
|
|
"My poor pet had a red welt over one eye. She was shaking with
|
|
terror and crying, just like a person."
|
|
Stories like this are common in Beijing these days, where killing
|
|
squads have stepped up their campaign to rid the capital of dogs under
|
|
the slogans "Eliminate the Dog Pest" and "Exterminate Dogs to Prevent
|
|
Illness".
|
|
Rabies has become a serious health problem in parts of China, along
|
|
with other diseases spread by dogs.
|
|
In Xiao Zhang's case, armed policemen barged into the home of a young
|
|
woman to kill a pet, a ball of fluff no bigger than a miniature poodle,
|
|
which had been her friend and companion for two years.
|
|
After sneaking her dog across Beijing and into the animal shelter, Xiao
|
|
Xhang - a pseudonym she asked be used to protect her identity - was called
|
|
into her local police station and interrogated for an entire afternoon.
|
|
"They call themselves policemen," she said bitterly. "They're no
|
|
better than gangsters."
|
|
The animal shelter is run by an elderly Beijing woman affectionately
|
|
known as "Dog Mother".
|
|
Because its location must remain a secret from authorities, it is
|
|
forced to move from suburb to suburb to prevent betrayal by local residents.
|
|
It is a roving menagerie of cats and kittens, dogs and puppies that has
|
|
now found temporary shelter in a traditional Beijing courtyard home.
|
|
Behind bolted iron gates, the dogs are packed into tiny brick kennels
|
|
in the open courtyard surrounded on three sides by rooms of the house
|
|
and on the fourth by a high wall that keeps out prying eyes, but cannot
|
|
muffle the tell-tale barking.
|
|
"It's just inhumane," said the elderly woman, describing how she
|
|
rescued the dogs from the beating squads, who usually summon the owner
|
|
and a large crowd of neighbors on to the street before stuffing the
|
|
animals into sacks and bludgeoning them.
|
|
"It breaks the hearts of young people to watch. And just imagine
|
|
the feelings of the owner. It's plain uncivilized. How can people be
|
|
so cruel?" she asked.
|
|
According to Chinese press reports, the number of dogs has soared in
|
|
the countryside since 1979 under economic reforms that have enriched the
|
|
peasants.
|
|
Although many urban Chinese keep dogs as treasured pets, albeit cooped
|
|
up inside their homes for fear of discovery, attitudes towards dogs in
|
|
China are at best ambivalent.
|
|
A recent article in the _Farmer's Daily_, listing the uses of dogs,
|
|
started out by noting that dog skin sheets absorbed moisture and prevented
|
|
rheumatism. Dog skin whips produced a pleasing crack and dog flesh was
|
|
the sweetest meat.
|
|
"Apart from their nutritional value," the article concluded, "dogs
|
|
can provide excellent entertainment."
|
|
- R E U T E R -
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
SO YOU WANT TO SUBMIT TO PURPS
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
|
|
Over the past while since I've been editing this ugly monster, one question
|
|
that keeps popping up is: "What the Hell am I supposed to Submit!"
|
|
|
|
I generally answer: "Oh what Otis inspires you to create."
|
|
|
|
For some reasons this statement seems to be throwing people off balance.
|
|
So it seemed like high time I whacked out a little something about what we
|
|
seem to be looking for in purps.
|
|
|
|
Glancing over a typical of Purps, should tell you what we are looking for.
|
|
We're looking for weird news first off. We seem to get a lot of that. It's
|
|
neat stuff and rather popular but it's mostly filler material. If you can
|
|
do weird news, that's good. However we need other stuff.
|
|
|
|
We need Otis sightings. The Otisians need to begin creating a comprehensive
|
|
database of Otis manifestations throughout the universe. We need a directory
|
|
and possibly a Map of where all there manifestations can be found, so that
|
|
you as an Otisian can visit all these spots.
|
|
|
|
If you can't think of any other spots well the take a trip to Otis Mass.
|
|
and look around. There are plenty of mysterious happens there to write
|
|
about.
|
|
|
|
Another thing we need is more scripture. We need to fight fire with fire.
|
|
When those rabid Christians come pounding on your door wouldn't it be nice
|
|
to whip out your Otisian tome and floor them with more divine wisdom than
|
|
they can share a stick at? Think of the fun you'll have when these rabid
|
|
Christians begin to expound on sin, and you can flip through your Otisian
|
|
tome and point with a steady finger at the famous verse "Everything
|
|
Forbidden in Optional". Think of the look on their faces.
|
|
|
|
Another thing we can use are stories and other weird incidents. We need
|
|
Otis parables of modern life. We need little entertaining antidotes that
|
|
teach the lessor informed Otisian the true meaning of following in the
|
|
light of Otis.
|
|
|
|
We need articles on Chucks.
|
|
|
|
We need full blown stories. We have a hand full now but we can always use
|
|
more.
|
|
|
|
We need testimonials of Otisian faith. It's time you spoke out about what
|
|
Otis has done for your life. Put it down on the computer and send it in.
|
|
We'll print it.
|
|
|
|
Still I suppose most of all we just need more people to participate. We
|
|
don't really have a enough now. We have a handful of regular contributors.
|
|
We need to hear from the silent majority. Otis is not a religion for the
|
|
passive. Stop behaving like some damn Christian and submit something! Otis
|
|
will bless you 1000 fold for your time.
|
|
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
|
|
Date: 26 Jul 91 10:33:00 EDT
|
|
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
|
Subject: NOTW
|
|
|
|
From the chapter entitled "From the Police Blotter":
|
|
|
|
"Hero," Tom & Priscilla Nelson burglar-scaring robot, which cost Nelson
|
|
$1500 & 250 hours' work to make, was stolen from their Arlington, VA home
|
|
while they were on vacation. Hero, who had been programmed to tell burglars
|
|
that he had just called police, was later found in Washington DC in the
|
|
backseat of a stolen car, partly disassembled & with dead batteries.
|
|
|
|
A 350-lb man attempted to rob a Long Island jeweler with a gun, but before
|
|
the loot was handed to him, he tripped & fell & was unable to get back to
|
|
his feet before the police arrived.
|
|
|
|
2 men with guns fired a total of 12 shots at each other at point-blank
|
|
range in a Cleveland apartment in 1984, but no one was injured. Police
|
|
speculated that the men, aged 76 & 77, missed because one had glaucoma &
|
|
the other had to prop himself up with a cane each time before firing.
|
|
|
|
Security officers at Forbes Field near Topeka, KS were forced to shoot 2
|
|
dogs who were mating on a runway in 1987 shortly before President Reagan's
|
|
plane was scheduled to land. The officers said the dogs, which resisted
|
|
earlier attempts by security officers to uncouple them, posed a danger to
|
|
Reagan's plane.
|
|
|
|
Sheriff's deputies on a stakeout in Gainesville, FL diligently watched, for
|
|
17 consecutive days, a motorcycle they had planted as a target in hopes of
|
|
catching an elusive burglar, but during 1 officer's 2-minute restroom
|
|
break, the cycle was stolen.
|
|
|
|
A 22-yr-old man was robbed on a Yonkers, NY street while he was dressed as
|
|
a woman. According to police, the victim initially yielded $10 to the
|
|
robbers, but 1 became angry & reached into the victim's bra, where he found
|
|
another $20. Police approached & the 2 robbers fled, but 1 of them was
|
|
captured when he ran into a street sign & collapsed.
|
|
|
|
When Donald McGarity was run over by an unidentified driver in the
|
|
Sacramento, CA area, highway patrol officers arriving on the scene found
|
|
McGarity's hand locked in a "derogatory" hand gesture. According to the
|
|
coroner, McGarity's spinal column was severed by the collision, thus
|
|
causing the body to freeze into the position it assumed when hit.
|
|
|
|
Near Pine Ridge Village in South Dakota, a Sioux named Warrior was
|
|
sentenced to 6 months in prison for assaulting another Indian, Bruce Pipe
|
|
on Head, by hitting him on the head with a pipe. Warrior was found guilty
|
|
of a second count, also-- hitting Pipe on Head on the arm with a pipe.
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
ELVIS DOES IT AGAIN
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
[Due to the King's shoe string budget. Once again he had to go on the road
|
|
seeking money. This time around alert secretary Dana Kilpatrick caught him
|
|
in the act. "Dog gone embarrassing", the King was said to say. Maybe this
|
|
will encourage you to help support Commodore Project so this will not
|
|
happen in the future.]
|
|
|
|
ELVIS PHOTOGRAPHED-DAYS AGO!
|
|
|
|
By Marcus Johans (From WWN 8/13/91 "the only news that's fit to read")
|
|
|
|
Thousand of people claim to have seen Elvis Presley since his alleged death
|
|
in 1977 but secretary Dana Kilpatrick actually snapped a picture of him
|
|
outside a movie theater in St. Louis just days ago-- on July 19th!
|
|
|
|
Unlike previous photos that were alleged to have been taken after the
|
|
singer's "death". Mrs. Kilpatrick's picture is well composed, in focus and
|
|
unquestionably Elvis.
|
|
|
|
Photo experts confirm that the negative and prints have not been altered or
|
|
retouched in any way. The picture itself shows the King standing in front
|
|
of a ticket booth that advertises the 1991 movie hits "Silence of the
|
|
Lambs" and "Truth or Dare."
|
|
|
|
"Elvis is alive and this is the indisputable proof that we've been looking
|
|
for," said William Stern, who has investigated over 2,000 Elvis sightings
|
|
and written extensively on The King since 1977.
|
|
|
|
"It's just a matter of time before he goes public and explains why he faked
|
|
his death. A dozen photo analysts looked at the picture and agree that
|
|
it's authentic."
|
|
|
|
Mrs. Kilpatrick, 54, was on her way to the supermarket when she spotted
|
|
Elvis pacing in front of a movie theater at a strip mall around 9 a.m. on
|
|
July 19.
|
|
|
|
Her son's camera just happened to be on the seat of her car so she parked,
|
|
got out and snapped a single picture before the singer had time to react.
|
|
|
|
After the initial shock of being spotted, "Elvis smiled and told me that I
|
|
just about scared him to death," said the woman.
|
|
|
|
"My hands were trembling and I wanted to apologize but the words wouldn't
|
|
come out. I finally blurted "Elvis!" and even though the theater was closed
|
|
and nobody else was around he hushed me up fast.
|
|
|
|
"He said: 'Not so loud, darlin'. I've got a few things to do before Elvis
|
|
comes back to life.'"
|
|
|
|
"An instant later a powder blue Olds 98 pulled up to the curb and stopped
|
|
while Elvis jumped in the backseat," said Mrs. Kilpatrick.
|
|
|
|
"I was in shock," continued Mrs. Kilpatrick. "There are so many things I
|
|
could have said, so many questions I could have asked, but all I did was
|
|
take one picture and stand there speechless."
|
|
|
|
Stern said: "There's been an unprecedented wave of Elvis activity in the
|
|
past three months but this encounter is the clincher.
|
|
|
|
"I've said it before and I'll say it again -- Elvis is tired of hiding and
|
|
plans to go public before the year is out."
|
|
|
|
[Side line little article]
|
|
|
|
WE TOLD YOU THE KING WAS ALIVE -- IN 1988
|
|
|
|
Dana Kilpatrick's mind-numbing photograph of Elvis proves that the faked
|
|
his death in 1977 and is still alive today but it is no big surprise to
|
|
those who follow The News.
|
|
|
|
News readers knew the truth three long years ago thanks to our block-buster
|
|
1988 report: ELVIS IS ALIVE!
|
|
|
|
The story was based on the then-obscure book by Gail Giorgio and was
|
|
publish in the May 24, 1988 edition of The News.
|
|
|
|
We followed it up with a series of world exclusive stories on The King
|
|
including ELVIS' TOMB IS EMPTY and NEW WAVE OF ELVIS SIGHTINGS, which
|
|
appeared in the July. The report centered on people who claim to have seen
|
|
and spoken with Elvis between May and June, not the least of which was
|
|
waitress Bonnie Johnson-- who says The King gave her the keys to a 1988
|
|
Cadillac Fleetwood Broughham after the met in a Corpus Christi diner in on
|
|
June 1.
|
|
|
|
|
|
=========================================================================
|
|
NAKED DURING SEX
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
|
|
Date: Sun, 28 Jul 1991 22:02 HKT
|
|
From: Spode <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
|
|
Subject: I wonder if this in the US edition, too? - A truly great quote...
|
|
|
|
|
|
_Newsweek_ - The International Edition - published in Hong Kong
|
|
|
|
"This is quite different from how it used to be, suggesting that with the
|
|
reform and opening policies, people are more liberal about sex."
|
|
-Shanghai sociologist Liu Dalin, on a new study that found that 60
|
|
percent of Chinese surveyed were "often or sometimes" naked during sex.
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
BABY WITH THE BATH WATER
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
From: lnds@sherlock.mmid.ualberta.ca (Mark Israel)
|
|
Subject: Baby in washing machine
|
|
Date: 30 Jul 91 09:41:34 GMT
|
|
|
|
|
|
People will soon be calling this an urban legend, so let's record the
|
|
precise occurrence:
|
|
|
|
"A maid accidentally killed a one-year-old baby in China after trying
|
|
to bathe him in a washing machine, an official newspaper reported.
|
|
"The incident occurred last month in the far west region of Xinjiang
|
|
at the home of Aierguma and his wife Pahe'erguli, the _People's Public
|
|
Security News_ reported.
|
|
"The couple was at home on their lunch break when the child's mother
|
|
taught their 16-year-old maid how to do the laundry in the machine.
|
|
'After finishing the washing, don't forget to bathe the baby', the
|
|
newspaper quoted the father as saying as the parents left."
|
|
|
|
-- The Edmonton Journal, 29 July 1991
|
|
|
|
Mark Israel
|
|
I have heard the Wobble! userisra@mts.ucs.ualberta.ca
|
|
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
MORE HONGKONG
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
Date: Sun, 28 Jul 1991 21:59 HKT
|
|
From: Spode <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
|
|
Subject: Saturday was a good day for stuff in the P.S. Column here!
|
|
|
|
|
|
_P.S._ - The South China Morning Post - 28 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_History Makes News_
|
|
|
|
With Typhoon Brendan heading full pelt towards the territory on Tuesday
|
|
night it was heart-warming to see TVB Pearl [a local television station -ed]
|
|
keeping us bang up to date on the latest developments.
|
|
Viewers who tuned in to the channel's 9:30pm newscast saw a drenched
|
|
Andrew Brown telling them, among other things, of the departure time of the
|
|
last ferry to Cheung Chau and the revised take-off slot for a British
|
|
Airways flight to London.
|
|
Pity, then, that the Cheung Chau ferry had sailed at 7:30pm and the BA
|
|
flight had already been in the air for half an hour.
|
|
For some reason Pearl decided to simply repeat the piece Brown had
|
|
filed for the station's 7:15pm bulletin when the information he provided
|
|
could be termed news.
|
|
Sadly, by 9:30 pm, it was history.
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
_P.S._ - The South China Morning Post - 28 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Satisfaction Guaranteed_
|
|
|
|
Perhaps the name of the Bonham Road establishment should have
|
|
served as a warning, but _P.S._ could not resist the temptation to
|
|
walk in to Squiffy hair salon for a quick trim the other day.
|
|
The giggling proprietress said that, yes, she had liked the sound
|
|
of the word even before she knew what it meant. But she had looked
|
|
it up in the dictionary and she thought it would be just the thing
|
|
for her happy haircutting business.
|
|
The dictionary came up with the conventional definition of
|
|
"pleasantly drunk", of course. But apparently it also said Squiffy
|
|
meant "quite satisfied" - which is how one probably would feel under
|
|
the circumstances.
|
|
And what more could one ask of a haircut?
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
_P.S._ - The South China Morning Post - 28 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Booked by the Yard_
|
|
|
|
The Island Shangri-La Hotel would like you to feel it has spared
|
|
no expense in making even the most intellectually demanding guests
|
|
feel at home. It has installed a large and tastefully furnished library
|
|
in its atrium and stacked it to the ceiling with the classics of
|
|
literature and philosophy, all beautifully bound to add to the sober and
|
|
studious atmosphere of the room.
|
|
Not all is quite as it seems, however. On first inspection, the
|
|
hotel appears to have followed the time honored stately-home tradition
|
|
of buying its books by the yard.
|
|
But on closer inspection each yard may be discovered to consist of
|
|
a series of volumes all bearing exactly the same name, while the leather
|
|
binding looks too flat and shiny to be real. Sure enough, _P.S._'s
|
|
attempt to remove one of the books from the shelf brought all the sister
|
|
volumes with it. The whole thing was a cleverly disguised cardboard box.
|
|
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
FOOTBALL: RELIGIOUS RITE
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
From: damico@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu (Bill D'Amico)
|
|
Subject: cross-post from rec.humor
|
|
Date: 23 Jul 91 21:09:43 GMT
|
|
From: snoopy@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu
|
|
Subject: FOOTBALL joke
|
|
|
|
I don't know the original creator or poster and I'm not taking credit for
|
|
this.
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Obviously, Football is a syndrome of religious rites symbolizing the
|
|
struggle to preserve the Egg of Life through the rigors of impending
|
|
winter. The rites begin at the Autumn Equinox and culminate on the first
|
|
day of the New Year, with great festivals identified with bowls of plenty.
|
|
The festivals are associated with flowers such as roses; fruits such as
|
|
oranges; farm crops such as cotton; and even sun-worship and appeasement of
|
|
great reptiles such as alligators.
|
|
|
|
In these rites, the Egg of Life is symbolized by what is called "The Oval",
|
|
an inflated bladder covered with hog skin. The convention of "The Oval" is
|
|
repeated in the architectural oval-shaped design of the vast outdoor
|
|
churches in which the services are held every sabbath in every town and
|
|
city. Also every Sunday in the greater centers of population where an
|
|
advanced priesthood performs. These enormous churches dominate every
|
|
college campus; no other edifice compares in size with them, and they bear
|
|
witness to the high spiritual development of the culture that produced
|
|
them.
|
|
|
|
Literally millions of worshipers attend the sabbath services in these
|
|
open-air churches. Subconsciously, these hordes are seeking an outlet from
|
|
sexual frustration in anticipation of violent masochism and sadism about to
|
|
be enacted by a highly trained priesthood of young men. Football obviously
|
|
arises out of the Oedipus complex. Love of mother dominates the entire
|
|
ritual. (Notre Dame and Football are synonymous).
|
|
|
|
The rites are performed on a green rectangular area orientated to the four
|
|
directions. The green area, symbolizing Summer, is striped with ominous
|
|
white lines representing the knifing snows of Winter. The white stripes
|
|
are repeated in the ceremonial costumes of the four whistling monitors who
|
|
control the services through a time period divided into four quarters,
|
|
symbolizing the four Seasons.
|
|
|
|
The ceremony begins with colorful processions of musicians and semi-nude
|
|
virgins who move in and out of ritualized patterns. This excites the
|
|
thousands of worshipers to rise from their seats, shout frenzied poetry in
|
|
unison and chant ecstatic anthems through which runs the Oedipus theme of
|
|
willingness to die for the love of mother.
|
|
|
|
The actual rites, performed by 22 young priests of perfect physique, might
|
|
appear to the uninitiated as a chaotic conflict concerned only with hurting
|
|
the Oval by kicking it, then endeavoring to rescue and protect the Egg.
|
|
|
|
However, the procedure is highly stylized. On each side there are eleven
|
|
young men wearing colorful and protective costumes. The group in so-called
|
|
"possession" of the Oval first arrange themselves in an egg-shaped
|
|
"huddle," as it is called, for a moment of prayerful meditation and
|
|
whispering of secret numbers to each other.
|
|
|
|
Then they rearrange themselves with relation to the position of the Egg.
|
|
In a typical "formation" there are seven priests "on the line," seven being
|
|
a mystical number associated not, as Jung purists might contend, with the
|
|
"seven last words" but actually, with sublimation of the "seven deadly
|
|
sins" into "the seven cardinal principles of education."
|
|
|
|
The central priest crouches over the Egg, protecting it with his hands,
|
|
while over his back quarters hovers the "Quarterback." The transposition
|
|
of "back quarters" to "quarterback" is easily explained by the Adler
|
|
School. To the layman the curious posture assumed by the "Quarterback," as
|
|
he hovers over the central priest, immediately suggests the Cretan origins
|
|
of Mycenaean animal art, but this popular view is untenable. Actually, of
|
|
course, the "quarter-back" symbolizes the libido, combining two instincts,
|
|
namely, a) Eros, which strives for even closer union, and b) the instinct
|
|
for destruction of anything which lies in the path of Eros. Moreover, the
|
|
"pleasure-pain" excitement of the hysterical worshipers focuses entirely on
|
|
the actions of the libido-quarter-back. Behind him are three priests
|
|
representing the male triad.
|
|
|
|
At a given signal, the Egg is passed by sleight-of-hand to one of the
|
|
members of the triad who endeavors to move it by bodily force across the
|
|
white lines of Winter. This procedure up and down the enclosure, continues
|
|
through the four quarters of the ritual.
|
|
|
|
At the end of the second quarter, implying the Summer Solstice, the
|
|
processions of musicians and semi-nude virgins are resumed. After forming
|
|
themselves into pictograms representing alphabetical and animal fetishes,
|
|
the virgins perform a most curious rite requiring far more dexterity than
|
|
the earlier phallic Maypole rituals from which it seems to be derived.
|
|
Each of the virgins carries a wand of shining metal which she spins on her
|
|
fingertips, tosses playfully into the air, and with which she interweaves
|
|
her body in most intricate gyrations.
|
|
|
|
The virgins perform another important function throughout the entire
|
|
service. This concerns the mystical rite of "conversion" following success
|
|
of one of the young priests in carrying the Oval across the last white line
|
|
of Winter. As the moment of "conversion" approaches, the virgins kneel at
|
|
the edge of the rectangle, bury their faces in the earth, then raise their
|
|
arms to heaven in supplication, praying that "the uprights will be split."
|
|
"Conversion" is indeed a dedicated ceremony.
|
|
|
|
Michael aka SNOOPY@DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU
|
|
|
|
|
|
--
|
|
-bill d'Amico | The highest that a man can attain is to
|
|
damico@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu | be able to do - Georg Gurdjieff
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
ROLLER COASTER OF DEATH
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
Date: Mon, 29 Jul 91 11:20:07 MDT
|
|
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
|
|
Subject: possible roller coaster UL
|
|
From: fuhry@think.com (Debbie Fuhry)
|
|
Subject: Re: Superlatives wanted!
|
|
Date: 29 Jul 91 14:31:43 GMT
|
|
|
|
How about the scariest story I've ever heard about a coaster?
|
|
|
|
First, I've never found a roller coaster (or any ride, for that matter)
|
|
which was too scary for me, but that's because I've always assumed they
|
|
were in general, made to be safe, but not to feel that way :)
|
|
|
|
Last night, though I heard about a R.C. that was new, and had been tested
|
|
many times, but had never had people on it. On the first ride carrying
|
|
passengers, they were all dead when it came back. Apparently the GForces
|
|
around one of the turns had been powerful enough to break everyone's
|
|
necks...
|
|
|
|
Has anyone heard this? Is it true or does it belong in urban.folklore?
|
|
|
|
Debbie Fuhry
|
|
fuhry@think.com
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
AND STILL MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
Date: 29 Jul 91 19:53:00 EDT
|
|
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
|
Subject: NOTW
|
|
|
|
These are from the chapter "Uncategorically Weird":
|
|
|
|
Officials at the Houston Zoo admitted that their coral snake was a rubber
|
|
imitation. "We had live snakes in the exhibit, but they didn't do so well,"
|
|
said curator John Donaho. "They tend to die."
|
|
|
|
Robert Kropinski of Philadelphia sued Transcendental Meditation groups
|
|
where he spent 11 years as a student & teacher, claiming he suffered
|
|
psychological disorders as a result of never having achieved the "perfect
|
|
state of life" the group promised. The 36-yr-old real-estate manager said,
|
|
for example, that the groups had told him he would be taught to "fly"
|
|
through self-levitation, but all he learned to do was "hop with the legs
|
|
folded in the lotus position."
|
|
|
|
A construction company in Saipan, Northern Marianas, placed a notice in the
|
|
local newspaper after 1 of its flashing amber warning lights was stolen
|
|
from a road construction site on March 28, 1984. Noting that the lights
|
|
were necessary to warn motorists of the excavation so they could avoid an
|
|
accident, the company said it was removing "the remaining warning lights
|
|
and we are not going to install them again unless we are sure they will not
|
|
be stolen."
|
|
|
|
And from "Wrong Arm of the Law":
|
|
|
|
In Atlanta, a daring thief stole $8900 worth of cameras & accessories from
|
|
an exhibit booth at a convention for crime-detection experts. His getaway
|
|
was delayed by having to pretend to be a salesman and give a 45-minute
|
|
sales pitch to a security guard who had seen him walking off with the
|
|
goods.
|
|
|
|
Police in Tulsa, responding to an emergency call that a man was holding a
|
|
woman at knifepoint, surrounded the wrong house. The man was in the house
|
|
next door. He tried several times to surrender, but the police, thinking he
|
|
was just a nosy neighbor, kept ordering him back inside. After about an
|
|
hour, a newspaper photographer who lived nearby alerted police to their
|
|
mistake.
|
|
|
|
In Florida, Dade County & Jacksonville officials discovered that their new
|
|
$34 million jail was being built with 195 cells-- but no cell doors.
|
|
Michael Berg, city-county director of jails & prisons, said he wasn't sure
|
|
how the oversight occurred but that there was money to pay the extra $1.5
|
|
million to have the doors added. And at the Ontario County Jail in
|
|
Canandaigua, NY, installation of new cell doors was halted when officials
|
|
discovered the bars were too far apart & prisoners could slip through them.
|
|
|
|
Undercover police in Pompano Beach, FL, arranged to sell 2 lbs. of cocaine.
|
|
The buyers turned out to be undercover officers from the Ft. Lauderdale
|
|
police.
|
|
|
|
Police in Van Nuys, CA arrested Dennis John Alston on charges of forging
|
|
checks, then released him when he posted bail with a $1500 cashier's check.
|
|
It turned out to be a forgery.
|
|
|
|
Police in Sydney Mines, Nova Scotia, raided their own Christmas party for not
|
|
having a license to serve liquor.
|
|
|
|
Tommy Cribbs, the sheriff of Dyer County, TN, was arrested in Van Buren,
|
|
MO, after police noticed his car in the parking lot of a local motel. A car
|
|
of that description had been used in the theft of 2 sheep from a nearby
|
|
farm. Officers who were questioning people at the motel were led to Cribbs
|
|
after a sheep was thrown from the window of his room.
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
POLISH FOLK MAGICK
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
From: jacobus@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Bryan J. Maloney)
|
|
Subject: Re: Polish Folk Magic? Pagan Religion??
|
|
Date: 29 Jul 91 18:10:21 GMT
|
|
|
|
|
|
I have read of Polish rituals dedicated to "Mati-Surya-Zemlya" [sic] which
|
|
involved circling a village with a rope soaked in butter and then having
|
|
all the girls and women of a village circle the village several times. Any
|
|
man they found during this ritual was to be torn to pieces.
|
|
|
|
Supposedly, some Polish villages actually used this ritual during WWII to
|
|
protect themselves from the Germans.
|
|
|
|
I don't know about the authenticity of the ritual, and the tearing to pieces
|
|
sounds rather Maenidish to me.
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
AND STILL MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
Date: 31 Jul 91 21:22:00 EDT
|
|
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
|
Subject: NOTW
|
|
|
|
From the chapter "Order in the Court":
|
|
|
|
Edna Evon Sims filed a lawsuit in Columbia, South Carolina, against the
|
|
maker of 2 hair-care products after a 1988 incident in which, while
|
|
standing at a bus stop on a 96-degree day, her hair suddenly burst into
|
|
flames. A passing police officer moved quickly to put out the fire, but
|
|
Sims claimed to have suffered permanent disfigurement.
|
|
|
|
When shooting victim Kenneth Donaldson was asked to walk about a Detroit
|
|
court- room & "identify" his alleged assailant from among courtroom
|
|
spectators, he wandered until his eyes fixed on a man in the last row. He
|
|
said, "That's him," then reached over 2 seats & slugged the man in the
|
|
face. The prosecutor then said, "I ask that the record reflect that the
|
|
complainant has just identified the defendant."
|
|
|
|
Milwaukee County Circuit Judge Clarence Parrish could have given a 10-year
|
|
sentence to the man before him after an admission that the man had had sex
|
|
with his 12-yr-old stepdaughter & had fathered 2 children by another
|
|
stepdaughter, but the judge awarded him only probation (for 4-1/2 years)
|
|
because he thought the man was God-fearing. Parrish had asked the man
|
|
during sentencing who was the author of the Book of Revelation, & the man's
|
|
correct answer ("John") may have swayed the judge.
|
|
|
|
Patricia Tinerella, 25, was awarded $2660 in back pay from her Omaha
|
|
employer for a 1983 incident in which she was fired. The firm claimed she
|
|
performed inadequately, but the state equal employment opportunity
|
|
commission found that she was fired because her 40-inch bust distracted
|
|
co-workers & that she had declined to follow her employer's suggestions on
|
|
how to deemphasize what the commission called an "immutable
|
|
characteristic."
|
|
|
|
A court in Tel Aviv ordered a 16-yr-old girl to stop walking around her
|
|
house naked after complaints by her 80-yr-old stepfather. The man accused
|
|
her & her mother of trying to induce him to have a heart attack so they
|
|
could inherit his fortune.
|
|
|
|
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|
|
Steph (StephK on IRC) "If we do not succeed, then we run
|
|
kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu the risk of failure." --Dan Quayle
|
|
|
|
Stephanie Klein "Everything forbidden is optional."
|
|
123 S. Madison --standard Otisian dogma
|
|
LaGrange, IL 60525
|
|
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
WALT FROZEN
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
[Of course our sources from TMINGH confirm that the bellow letter is part
|
|
of a smoke screen campaign adopted by Walt Disney World in a effort to
|
|
hide the real truth of what happened to Walt. Walt is not dead. He's back
|
|
from the grave. His creative talents harnessed to the forces of evil on
|
|
this planet.]
|
|
|
|
From: mikkelson@breakr.enet.dec.com (snopes)
|
|
Subject: Walt Disney Frozen?
|
|
Date: 26 JUL 91 12:08:00
|
|
|
|
|
|
Chalk up another one for the FAQ! I recently received this letter from
|
|
Disneyland Guest Relations:
|
|
|
|
Dear Mr. Mikkelson:
|
|
|
|
Thank you for your recent inquiry and interest in Disneyland. In response
|
|
to your question, the "legend" you cite has some elements of truth to it.
|
|
Walt Disney's *brain* (emphasis theirs) is stored in a cryogenic container
|
|
located beneath the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction, awaiting future
|
|
revival. The rest of his body, however, was cremated.
|
|
|
|
Thank you for your interest in Disneyland. We hope you have a chance to
|
|
visit soon and that your stay is an enjoyable one. Contact our office if
|
|
you wish to arrange a guided tour of the cryogenics area.
|
|
|
|
Regards,
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Felix Stassen
|
|
Guest Relations
|
|
|
|
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
THE FINAL WORLD FROM NEWS OF THE WEIRD
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
|
|
[Yep this is it. The end. This is the farewell message from Steph and News
|
|
of the Weird. Once again one of our most treasured followers is taking from
|
|
the network. The electronic eyes poked. It's a sad thing when this happens,
|
|
especially since Steph was a pretty neat all around type kinda persons, who
|
|
was just beginning to really get into the inner wisdom of Otis. You might
|
|
have noticed her appearance in a number of stories above. Hopefully she'll
|
|
be back on line soon someway or somehow. If now I suppose we'll have to
|
|
start a Steph fan club or something.
|
|
Still it's very said she left. After all about half of filler material came
|
|
from her and sad to say sometimes the only comments I'd get about purps
|
|
would be about NOTW.
|
|
Anyways I'd like to officially thank Steph for all the work she's down in
|
|
the name of Otis. May Otis shower her with many blessings and may Brow
|
|
never come to her house for dinner.]
|
|
|
|
Date: 3 Aug 91 23:36:00 EDT
|
|
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
|
|
|
Well everyone...
|
|
|
|
The News of the Weird e-mail distribution is ending, at least for a while.
|
|
I'm losing my Net access and am not sure when I'll get it again. Could be a
|
|
few weeks, could be months. But for now, consider this a grand finale.
|
|
For those of you who have missed my previous explanations, NOTW are
|
|
news items that appear in normal, everyday newspapers-- NOT tabloids-- all over
|
|
the country and the world. As far as the people who print it know, these
|
|
papers have not written anything to recant these news items. NOTW is, by the
|
|
way, to be found in a couple of books by Chuck Shepherd, John Kohut, & Roland
|
|
Sweet, and in columns produced by these guys individually in random newspapers
|
|
around the U.S.
|
|
People who enjoy my NOTW mailings have to have a bizarre-- even
|
|
morbid-- sense of humor. So here is a partial list that Shepherd and co. have
|
|
collected from their news clippings (many of which, by the way, were sent to
|
|
them for their 2nd book after the first one came out) of why people have killed
|
|
other people recently. If you're squeamish, or have a lot of faith in the
|
|
inherent goodness of human nature, stop reading now.
|
|
|
|
Here goes:
|
|
|
|
* which country, Korea or China, has the more pleasant lifestyle
|
|
* why he should pick up toys around the house
|
|
* obnoxiously switched TV channels
|
|
* whether he and his wife should take a honeymoon cruise
|
|
* refused to lend him her car
|
|
* spare the mother the anguish of finding out that her daughter was murdered
|
|
because she had refused to lend out her car
|
|
* quality of the biscuits they were eating
|
|
* child failed to get past "g" while reciting the alphabet
|
|
* council members wouldn't do anything about his backed-up sewer
|
|
* played a stereo too loud
|
|
* used his driveway to turn her car around in
|
|
* objected to his friend's being robbed of his Popsicle
|
|
* criticized him for spitting into an ashtray at their nursing home
|
|
* mayor turned him down for a car washing license
|
|
* cursed during dinner at a friend's house
|
|
* too slow making a left turn at a traffic light
|
|
* made derogatory remarks about Jesus Christ
|
|
* whether there would be enough meat loaf for everyone at dinner
|
|
* thought she was responsible when their dog urinated on him
|
|
* ownership of various items (tamale, Indian head penny, Playboy centerfolds,
|
|
candy bar, pork chop, salami, hot dog, baseball cards, designer sweatpants,
|
|
frozen fish)
|
|
|
|
There's actually a lot more but I'm tired of typing.
|
|
Hope this tides you over till I get the list going again!
|
|
|
|
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|
|
Steph (StephK on IRC) "If we do not succeed, then we run
|
|
kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu the risk of failure." --Dan Quayle
|
|
|
|
Stephanie Klein "Everything forbidden is optional."
|
|
123 S. Madison --standard Otisian dogma
|
|
LaGrange, IL 60525
|
|
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
|
|
==========================================================================
|
|
--Subink 1991
|
|
|