2124 lines
98 KiB
Plaintext
2124 lines
98 KiB
Plaintext
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***** ****** ****
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** ** ** ** ** Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
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** ** ** ** The Summer Version of
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***** ***** ** The Purple Thunderbolt of Spode
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** ** ** **
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** ** ** ** **
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***** ****** ****
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***** ***** ***** *****
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***** ***** ***** *****
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************* ************* ************* *************
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** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** **
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********* ********* ********* *********
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** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
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***** ***** ***** *****
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Yep looks the same but it ain't
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================================================================
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 25
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================================================================
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"South Florida's Very Own REPLIES TO: barker@acc.fau.edu
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Non Alien Run Electronic Magazine"
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* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
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*** P P U U R R P P S
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***** P P U U R R P P S
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******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
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********* P U U R R P S
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*********** P U U R RR P S
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***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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* **** *
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*** *** ***
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**** * *****
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************************************
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****************************************
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************************************
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**** ***** *****
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*** ***** ***
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* ***** *
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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***********
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*********
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*******
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*****
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***
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*
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WRITE TO: IGHF/43 Mitchell Grant Way/ Bedford, MA 01730-1264
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===========================================================================
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INTRO
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===========================================================================
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Welcome to yet another shoot from the hip issue of Purps. This time around
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we seem to be missing a lot in the submissions department. This of course
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means that your editor has to shoot from the hip and come up with enough
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Otisian material to fill an issue. Well, we'll just have to see how it goes.
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First off in the News, according to the Pope, the 1-900 number is closer
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to becoming a reality. Dr. Simpson has let it be know, that he is
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looking for skilled diggers for his next expedition. At this time he is
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unable to disclose exactly where this dig is due to security reasons.
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Okay I'm done. Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. There are a few
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things in here that made me laugh even. Odd. Still this time around we
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have plenty of Otis for you. Hopefully in the near future we'll have even
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more. Even a report or two on the infamous British Yak Corps. that helped
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invade Tibet.
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Please note that the IGHF address has been changed above.
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This time around I didn't seem to get as many submissions as I got last
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time, but it still looks like we've got a block busters issue here. Three
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stories, count them. Plenty of Otisian wisdom for eveyone even.
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Inside you'll find:
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Lo-Quality Aliens Invade Earth
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A New Goddess for the Otisian Pantheon
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Overkill What a Thrill
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News of the Weird
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People Around the Country See Elvis on A Money Gathering Tour
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More News of the Weird
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World of Hitlers
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Horros Stalk Shopping Malls
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Optima Plan Part II
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Recipe Time: Exciting Dessert
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Stewy's Story
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Messenger of the Gods Part IV (I think)
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And Still More News of the Weird
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New Exciting Medical Procedure, Fun for the Whole Family
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And Still More News of the Weird
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Cold War Funnies
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Scenes from Surrealist Movie Comes True
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Movie Review
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Voodoo Beer
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JFK's Brain Still Alive
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And Still More News of The Weird
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News From the World of Spode
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===========================================================================
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LO-QUALITY ALIENS INVADE EARTH
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===========================================================================
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[The following article leads further proof to the recent reports of just
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how sloppy the alien menace on this planet it getting. This time our
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intrepid aliens forgot to check to see if what they were multilating were
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even living. I'm sure this provoked no end of puzzlement in their
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orbiting laboratories.]
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Subj: Fwd: Subgenius Digest V2 #201
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Subgenius Digest Wed, 17 Jul 91 Volume 2 : Issue 201
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Today's Topics:
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Cattle mutilation dismissed as "just a college prank"
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
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Subject: Cattle mutilation dismissed as "just a college prank"
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BRAINTREE, Mass. (UPI) -- Managers of the Hilltop Steak House are
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baffled as to why anyone would cut the heads off the restaurant's
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trademark herd of life-size fake cows but vow to replace them.
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Vandals apparently used power saws to decapitate six of seven
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fiberglass cows outside the restaurant this weekend and also made off
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with a calf, cutting it off at the hoofs, police said. None of the
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missing heads or the calf have been recovered, police said.
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``Nobody has called up claiming responsibility, no radical
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vegetarians,'' assistant manager Marion Burke said Monday. ``We have no
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idea why anyone would do it. I think it's just a college prank.''
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Another assistant manager, Robert Griffin, had a theory.
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``They're great looking,'' he said. ``Somebody's probably mounted
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them on the wall. To have a Hilltop cow probably means a lot to them.
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This isn't just a piece of junk cow -- these are beautiful.''
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Griffin suspects the Hilltop herd's heads were rustled by more than
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one person.
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``It would take at least a half-hour to cut the head off even one
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cow,'' he said.
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Burke said the decapitation apparently took place sometime Saturday
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night or early Sunday morning. The fiberglass slaughter was discovered
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about 4 a.m. Sunday.
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Burke said the restaurant intends to replace the damaged bovines at a
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cost of about $500 each.
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Hilltop officials expressed concern about similar fiberglass herds it
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has at its other restaurants in Saugus and Nashua, N.H.
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===========================================================================
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A NEW GODDESS FOR THE OTISIAN PANTHEON?
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===========================================================================
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From: bmb@bluemoon.uucp (Bryan Bankhead)
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Subject: Demi Moore the new Mother Goddess?
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Date: Fri, 19 Jul 91 01:24:02 EDT
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Well there she is, in living color on the cover of Vanity fair magazine.
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swollen belly, floppy tits, the whole bit, and surprisingly sexy for all
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that. Just like a better groomed 'venus'. what is the magical
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significance of this meme being propagated? This picture has sent sales
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of that mag through the roof, obviously some deep current of archetypal
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symbology is being accesses here. And note that successes of this type
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tend to propagate like viruses. Soon lots of mags will have their own
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'nekkid prego' spread. (can't wait for the on from penthouse!). Please
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note more 'mother goddess imagery may be propagated over the next year
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than would be possible in centuries way back when...
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This is from
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bmb@bluemoon.uucp
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bmb@bluemoon.rn.com
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who doesn't have their own obnoxious signature yet
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===========================================================================
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OVERKILL WHAT A THRILL
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===========================================================================
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Date: Sat, 20 Jul 91 12:01:05 CDT
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From: STEWY <UC541831@UMCVMB.MISSOURI.EDU>
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Coweta, OK (AP) A woman gathered up two children, a pet bird and a puppy
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before setting off 18 cans of bug fogger in her mobile home. She stepped
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outside an d the fumes exploded.
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"She could have got by with two or three," said Coweta fire chief Bill
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Osburn. A pilot light likely ignited the fumes, he said. No one was
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injured in the explosion last week, which blew out windows, the door and
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one wall.
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Eighteen cans of insect fogger were found in the rubble, enough to treat
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90,000 cubic feet, Osburn said. The mobile home was about 6,000 cubic
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feet.
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Dorothy Clayton stepped outside when the fumes exploded, said neighbor
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Hanice Ramage.
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===========================================================================
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NEWS OF THE WEIRD
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===========================================================================
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Date: 20 Jul 91 13:42:00 EDT
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From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
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Subject: NOTW
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In the chapter called "Least Competent Criminals":
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In 1986 a man fainted while trying to rob the Lafayette Cooperative Bank
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in Swansea, MA, with a toy pistol. He had also locked the keys inside his
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getaway car.
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A convict broke out of jail in Washington, DC, then a few days later
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accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out
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for sandwiches. She needed to see him & thus had him paged. Police
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officers recognized his name over the PA system. As he alighted in front
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of the court house in a car he had stolen during lunch hour, he was
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arrested.
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And "Reasons Not to Dial 911"
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When an off-duty Detroit police officer shot himself in the shoulder as he
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tried to kill a rat that had jumped onto his arm in his garage, 10 Detroit
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police patrol cars responded to the report of a shooting at the man's
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house. The rat escaped unharmed.
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A city ambulance crew in St. Louis in 1980 stopped to pick up a pizza
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while on their way to the hospital with a patient suffering from head
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injuries. The ambulance circled the pizza parlor parking lot for 5
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minutes until the crew's pizza was ready.
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In 1987, a California sheriff faced criticism for his practices of using
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chains & handcuffs for female defendants in courtrooms but not using the
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restraints for male defendants.
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Police in San Diego, CA abandoned their restraint policy after an uproar
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over an incident in which a mounted police officer led a black man through
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neighborhood streets by a rope attached to the horse's saddle. The man had
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been arrested for walking a dog without a leash.
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In Avellino, Italy, Carmine Urciuolo was riding unattended in the back of
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an ambulance after it picked him up at a traffic accident. He slid out the
|
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unfastened rear door & had to hitchhike to the hospital.
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In 1986, a woman was freed from a pair of designer jeans by San Jose, CA
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firefighters who worked for 20 minutes using wire cutters & needle-nosed
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pliers.
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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Steph (StephK on IRC) "Walk lightly in your dreams;
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kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu They might come true for you tomorrow."
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-- Kirsty McColl
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Stephanie Klein "This country 'tis of them not me,
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123 S. Madison And I spit when they tell me I'm free."
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LaGrange, IL 60525 -- Pimentos for Gus
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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===========================================================================
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PEOPLE AROUND THE COUNTRY SEE ELVIS ON ANOTHER MONEY GATHERING TOUR
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===========================================================================
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Subject: THE WEAKLY WORLD NEEDS YOUR HELP!
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Date: 15 Jul 91 05:54:31 GMT
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The WWN (the Greatest Newspaper on the FACE OF THE EARTH) reports:
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"NEW WAVE OF ELVIS SIGHTINGS!"
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8 People who can prove the King IS alive!
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Yes, my friends, The KING is once again, making the rounds! But THIS time
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he's giving out FREE Cadillacs, loaning MONEY, and performing CPR!
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Here are the FACTS (can you prove it did NOT happen?).
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I have taken the liberty of listing them in chronological order, something
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the WWN didn't think important enough to do:
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May 1st : Mpls Mn: Elvis takes part in Anarchist Parade.
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May 3rd : Seattle WA: Elvis at KING County International Airport
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May 10th : San Diego Calif: Elvis loans woman $5.
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May 26th : Muskegon MI: Elvis eats Ice cream in front of woman.
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May 27th : Cleveland OH: Elvis helps high school student with
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calculus homework. Student fails test.
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May 28th : Waco TX: Elvis makes phone call at payphone.
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June 1st : Corpus Christi, Tex: Free Cadillac given to woman.
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June 17th: Richmond VA: Elvis in Wal-Mart store. Buy's Gel for hair.
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June 23rd: Nashville, TN: Woman spots Elvis near Ryman Auditorium.
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June 10th: St. Petersburg FLA: Elvis performs CPR.
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July 4th : Bensonville IL: Elvis helps set off fireworks for town
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display
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July 6th : Passadena CA: Jet Propulsion Lab reveals photos of the
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Gobi desert contain the face of Elvis.
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July 12th: Miamia FL: Elvis escapes from Coast Guard Patrol in
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souped up cigarette boat
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July 15th: Pittsburgh, PA: Elvis feeds Alkaseltzer to Seagull. Bird
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explodes and dies horrible death.
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NOW, fellow readers of A.F.U the Weakly World is asking for YOUR help!
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They write: "What about YOU? Weekly World News wants to find Elvis Presley
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and reveal his amazing story -- once and for all! If you've seen The King,
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WRITE AND TELL US WHERE AND WHEN. Better yet, if you capture him on film,
|
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send your photo to THE NEWS. Millions of Fans are waiting. Write to:
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I'VE SEEN THE KING
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Weekly World News
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600 S. East Coast Ave
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Lantanna, Fla 33462"
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So, how about, readers of A.F.U? Have you seen THE KING in a K-Mart in
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New Zealand or at a bar in Australia? We MUST have somebody out there that
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has a picture of him? (How about YOU Kibo?)
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I'm sure we can help out the WWN. After all, look what we've done for
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Craig Shergold. I'm sure we can do the same for the WWN!
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What say you, gentle readers of AFU?
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Terry "There he goes now!" Wood
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===========================================================================
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MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
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===========================================================================
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Date: 15 Jul 91 21:09:00 EDT
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From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
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Subject: NOTW
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From the chapter "Handicapable":
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Virginia state trooper R.L. Farney pulled over a weaving car early one
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morning and found that its driver wasn't just drunk but also blind. Farney
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reported that the man explained he was driving because his woman companion
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"was drunker than he was." The driver added that she had been directing
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him. "He thought he was driving OK," said Farney, who disagreed & ticketed
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both of them.
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From "Litigous Society"
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When a Rockville, MD woman sued her employer for $500,000 for injuries
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from falling off a chair at work, the company produced a witness who
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testified the woman had been practicing falling off chairs at work "for
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years."
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The Episcopal bishop of Central Florida sued the U.S. government for
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$200,000. He claimed that a knee injury he suffered on the Naval Training
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Center's tennis courts prevented him from genuflecting. The gov't
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countersued, claiming that the bishop trespassed by playing his matches
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early in the morning to avoid detection.
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And from "Gunplay"
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Police in Charleston, SC arrested a man who handed a note demanding money
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to the automatic teller machine at a bank. A police officer who witnessed
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the incident said that when the machine didn't respond to the demand, the
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man pumped two shots into it and drove off.
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And from the chapter called "Oops":
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The Georgia State Game Commission spent a considerable amount of time
|
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debating the regulation of alligator rides before someone noticed the
|
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typographical error and realized the commission was supposed to be
|
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debating whether to regulate alligator hides.
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An Oklahoma City jury needed just 20 minutes to decide that a few words
|
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from the unwise were sufficient to convict the defendant of armed robbery,
|
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despite his claim of an alibi. His court-appointed attorney was
|
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questioning the victim, who identified the defendant as the robber. The
|
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defendant jumped to his feet and accused the witness of lying. "I should
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have blown your... head off," he said, quickly adding, "If I'd been the
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one that was there."
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After last-minute campaigning to retain his seat on the Massachusetts
|
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Governor's council, Herbert Connolly raced to the polling place but
|
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arrived 15 minutes too late to cast his ballot in the 1988 Democratic
|
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primary. The final tally was 14,715 for Connolly and 14,716 for his
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opponent.
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===========================================================================
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WORLD OF HITLERS
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===========================================================================
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Date: Mon, 15 Jul 91 21:09:39 MDT
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From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
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Subject: WORLD BOOK OF HITLERS
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Evelyn G. Hitler, Director
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Dear Members of the Hitler Family,
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I have exciting news for you and fellow Hitlers! As you may already know,
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extensive work has been done throughout the world on a project relating to
|
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our Hitler family name. Now our new book, "THE WORLD BOOK OF HITLERS" is
|
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about to be published and it includes individual Hitlers who immigrated to
|
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the New World between 1945 and the present.
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The first Hitler we found came to Paraguay in 1945. His name was Adolph.
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Like thousands of others, he sought a better life for himself in this land
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where international extradition is virtually unknown.
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Adolph, or any of the other Hitlers who are documented in this new book,
|
|
may be the sole reason you and I live here today. Not many Eastern
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European families can say that! This hard-to-find Hitler immigration
|
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information was obtained from reference books indexing ships' passenger
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lists, arian genetic registries and other official records siezed by
|
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allied forces. In addition to information about Adolph and these other
|
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early Hitler settlers, you'll be provided with an international directory
|
|
of virtually every Hitler household (with address). You are listed in this
|
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section of the book.
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This has been an enormous project! There are now over 5,438 households
|
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bearing the Hitler name in Paraguay, Brazil, Argentina, South Africa,
|
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Germany and Austria. Using a sophisticated computer network, more than 220
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million records were searched worldwide to provide you with this
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|
never-before-published Hitler International Registry. It has been our goal
|
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to locate as many Hitlers as possible.
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This unique publication also covers how family names originated and what
|
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the distinguished Hitler name means, as well as an artist's drawing of an
|
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early Hitler Coat of Arms that resembles the swastika we've come to hold
|
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so dear. You'll even find exciting details about how you can take a
|
|
family heritage tour back to the Hitler fatherland and learn even more
|
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about your family's origin.
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To my knowledge, this remarkable collection of valuable information is
|
|
available ONLY in "THE WORLD BOOK OF HITLERS." Please note, however, that
|
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this First Edition is expected to be the only printing of the Hitler book,
|
|
ever. I am writing to all the Hitler families listed in the Hitler
|
|
International Registry at this time in order to keep publication costs
|
|
low, and in order to keep this information from falling into the hands of
|
|
those who would persecute us for our ancestor's war crimes. But you must
|
|
order now!
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|
|
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To reserve your copy(s), you must order right away. The number of copies
|
|
printed will be determined by the number of print orders we receive by
|
|
July 31, 1991.
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Sincerely,
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Evelyn G. Hitler
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P.S. Even though your copy is printed for you alone and I believe you'll
|
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be pleased with it, if you are dissatisfied for any reason, we guarantee a
|
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full and prompt refund. Please see your HITLER APPROVAL ORDER FORM for
|
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details.
|
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|
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===========================================================================
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HORRORS STALK THE SHOPPING MALLS
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|
===========================================================================
|
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|
|
From: ldoering@caen.engin.umich.edu (Laurence Doering)
|
|
Subject: Fear of shopping malls (was West Virginia)
|
|
Date: 17 Jul 91 01:40:58 GMT
|
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|
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>
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>We also had a great scare right after the area's first mall opened. Suddenly
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>there was a great rumor that White Slavers were operating in the area, where
|
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>they would suddenly descend upon unsuspecting women, chloroform them, and carry
|
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>them away somewhere to become love slaves. Had a lot of the guys in the area
|
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>really paranoid for awhile (and personally I think it was started by the local
|
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>town-based retail people as a way to draw shoppers away from the mall, which
|
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>was hurting the business of the downtown types). Anyone else hear this one?
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Yes! I heard Pat Robertson (the TV evangelist) tell this story once on
|
|
his TV show "The 700 Club". According to him, there is documented
|
|
evidence that New York pimps kidnap teenage girls from shopping malls in
|
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Minnesota. He claimed the pimps travel out there with several prostitutes
|
|
and quantities of drugs, and the prostitutes wait for teenagers in the
|
|
women's bathrooms. Then, before the innocent Minnesotans realize what is
|
|
happening, they are INJECTED with HEROIN, and are on their way to Times
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Square. The girls can't escape, of course, since they are HOOKED ON DRUGS
|
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almost immediately.
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Pat Robertson also claimed for a while (back in 1985, before he had to act
|
|
normal for his Presidential campaign) that he had personally deflected
|
|
Hurricane Gloria from its original path through the power of prayer. (The
|
|
hurricane was predicted to come ashore in southern Virginia at one point,
|
|
threatening Pat's home town). Gloria raced up the Atlantic coast and
|
|
finally came ashore in -- you guessed it -- New York.
|
|
|
|
Must be true, Mavis, I heard that preacher say it on the teevee.
|
|
|
|
Larry "Pat Robertson in '88" Doering
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
OPTIMA PLAN PART II
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
|
|
Date: Wed, 17 Jul 91 12:19:11 CDT
|
|
From: Reverend John <UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
|
|
Subject: foo fah rah
|
|
|
|
here's part two. If you run short on stuff I can send part three along
|
|
as well to run as one big chunk.
|
|
|
|
rev
|
|
|
|
Optima Plan, part two
|
|
by Rev. John
|
|
uc521832@umcvmb.missouri.edu
|
|
|
|
The room was starkly lit by flourescents behind recessed panels,
|
|
defining areas of light and dark along the floor. The ceiling lights
|
|
were off, allowing the holographic projection over the broad black
|
|
conference table to be seen clearly. It consisted of a man's face,
|
|
jowly with multiple chins and some sort of skin disease. Sitting
|
|
around the table were a number of people in dark suits, power colors,
|
|
wearing loafers and dark socks. They looked up at the hologram, slowly
|
|
rotating in the air before them. It spoke.
|
|
'Barker lives.' The voice actually issued from speakers under the
|
|
table, but there was no mistaking who was doing the talking. A nervous-
|
|
looking man shuffled some papers.
|
|
'He should be dead by now,' said the image. The man looked up.
|
|
'Well we tried sir. But they've found the bear.'
|
|
'What?' barked the image, sounding a bit like an angry Darth Vader.
|
|
'We didn't know for sure before sir but the spectrometer readings in
|
|
Selma were all out of whack. It's the only explanation.'
|
|
'If they have indeed found Humpy the Stumpy Bear,' began the image
|
|
in menacingly measured tones. 'then we might as well kiss our ass
|
|
goodbye. The Divine Children will finally be born and it'll be all over
|
|
with for us.'
|
|
'I know sir I'm just awfully sorry. I mean I can't sleep I can't eat I
|
|
wake up in the morning and there's white scum on my tongue I just feel
|
|
terrible.'
|
|
The hard face softened for a moment. 'I know I hate that stuff on my
|
|
tongue.'
|
|
'Um, sir?' another man joined the conversation.
|
|
'Yes what is it Bilbous?'
|
|
'Well there is a chance. The two nominal figureheads, Rev and Stewy,
|
|
have no guards whatsoever that we have seen. We know Barker has the
|
|
bear, so an attack on them has a good chance of succeeding. It won't
|
|
finish the OTISians by any means but it will slow them down.'
|
|
The face pondered this for a moment. 'Well by jiminy Bilbous you just
|
|
may have something there.'
|
|
Bilbous smiled and shuffled some papers.
|
|
|
|
SamHill glanced at the house in the rear-view mirror as he pulled away
|
|
and started on his 'vacation.' He was glad to get away from the damn
|
|
place.. living there was really getting on his nerves. He reminded
|
|
himself that he still had to mail the Rev's tapes, which contained a
|
|
number of valuble computer programs contained on a separate track from
|
|
the music and sound that they supposedly contained.
|
|
These programs contained all the data he had dug up so far on the
|
|
significance of Humpy the Stumpy Bear and the Divine Children currently
|
|
being brought to term by Humpy and Security Advisor Shark. It was vital
|
|
that this info got to the OTISians, and quick. His alleged vacation was
|
|
in fact more a case of taking it on the lam - the museum he worked at
|
|
had been broken into two days ago and his desk rifled. They were
|
|
getting close.
|
|
Behind him, his house exploded in a sudden violent fury, casting flames
|
|
and debris across the street.
|
|
Close indeed, thought SamHill as he turned left and headed off into the
|
|
night.
|
|
|
|
Commodore Presley was holding another of his infamous jam sessions, in
|
|
the room on his command ship decorated to look like a nightclub. His
|
|
voice had lost none of its velvety edge and he moved like a young man.
|
|
The reversal therapy had worked wonders and the Commodore could easily
|
|
pass for 25 now.
|
|
Several off-duty crew members hung around the little tables with candles
|
|
on them, ordering pepsis and moon pies. At one of these sat the OTISian
|
|
candidate for First Lady, Mal Barker, looking somewhat impatient but
|
|
amused.
|
|
'He really is Mister Entertainment,' thought Barker. Suddenly the candle
|
|
flame on his table began to expand and diffuse, growing to about the
|
|
size of a balloon. Barker glanced around but no one else was noticing the
|
|
effect. After a moment the vision crystallized into that of Pope Jeffrei
|
|
religious mendicant of the OTISians.
|
|
'Mal' came a soft voice like a wisp of smoke. 'Mal..'
|
|
Barker glanced around again and hoped no one noticed him talking to the
|
|
candle. 'Pope? What's up?'
|
|
'Must.. warn you..' The Pope's image faded and then brightened, like an
|
|
internet link going down and coming back. 'What's wrong?' Mal hissed.
|
|
'Rev.. Stewy.. danger..' The apparition was losing focus, seeming to
|
|
melt in places. 'What?' Mal responded, garnering the attention of a few
|
|
of the crew who wondered why this guy was talking to his candle.
|
|
'Danger..' said Jeffray again and then the image was gone.
|
|
The look of anxiety on Mal's face curiously passed. Despite the way he
|
|
had responded to the Pope, he knew all was well in hand.
|
|
|
|
As he had dozens of times, the Rev performed the amazing trick of both
|
|
turning the key and the knob below with one hand. His other held a
|
|
drink cooler containing ice water. He pushed the door open with his foot
|
|
and slipped into the house. Glancing at the bar for mail and finding
|
|
none, his attention was then drawn to the bodies of his four housemates,
|
|
staked to the wall in a great bloody mess.
|
|
'Oh not again,' muttered the Rev.
|
|
Suddenly the front windows of the house splintered apart as a barrage of
|
|
automatic weapons fire sprayed across the room. Rev hit the floor and
|
|
listened to the roar of firearms that continued for the better part of
|
|
a minute. While listening he crawled around the corner to the big
|
|
table that looked like a coffin. Still lying prone, he opened the lid
|
|
and pulled something out from inside.He put the LAW to his shoulder.
|
|
The firing ceased. Outside, three men stood in the open cargo door of a
|
|
sinister black van, surveying the damage. One held an infrared scanner
|
|
up to his face and looked for survivors.
|
|
A warm figure suddenly stood up, and then the entire field went red with
|
|
heat.
|
|
|
|
Less than two blocks away, vice-presidential candidate 'Stewy' Stewart
|
|
was on a bug hunt. In each hand was a Converse All-Star Athletic Shoe,
|
|
pressed into service as spider-squashers. She moved stealthily about the
|
|
dim room, looking for one of the eight-legged little bastards.
|
|
Suddenly two men swung in through the windows on cables, automatic weapon
|
|
firing as they came through. In an amazing display of Super Occult
|
|
Genius skill, Stewart deflected every bullet with the Chucks, looking for
|
|
all the world like some strange Wonder Woman bouncing bullets off. The
|
|
Chucks flew in a multicolored frenzy, but the men kept firing desperately
|
|
even as the bullets caroomed off elsewhere in the room. Stewart closed on
|
|
them and within a moment clonked them both on the head. They fell like
|
|
sacks of wet cement.
|
|
'MotherFUCK there goes the security deposit,' she said. Just then there
|
|
was a buzzing from the intercom.
|
|
'WHAT?'
|
|
'Stew it's Rev. They're moving on us.'
|
|
'No shit Tynes. I got two up here.'
|
|
'Damn. Be right up.'
|
|
In a moment Rev arrived, holding a crumpled brown package. He surveyed
|
|
the damage. 'Good thing you don't have roommates.'
|
|
'My Mac!' Stewart cried, finally noticing the bullet-ridden shell of a
|
|
computer on the desk. 'Oh SHIT somebody's gotta pay for this.'
|
|
'Don't worry,' said Rev, holding the package open to reveal the cassette
|
|
tapes from SamHill inside. 'They will.'
|
|
|
|
Miles to the north, OTISian Security Advisor Shark was growing impatient
|
|
The bus with Steph on it was already five minutes late. Steph was
|
|
bringing a special instalment of News Of The Weird, containing vital
|
|
information for the campaign. Shark told herself she shouldn't worry.
|
|
Steph was wearing Chucks after all. But things had gone wrong before.
|
|
|
|
Mal sipped his butterscotch schnapps and looked into the candle flame.
|
|
Though few knew it yet, everything was going according to plan.
|
|
|
|
to be continued
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
RECIPE TIME: EXCITING DESSERTS
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
|
|
From: aragon@acm.rpi.edu (Greg Pratt)
|
|
Date: 12 Jul 91 16:22:36 GMT
|
|
Subject: MISC: Penn & Teller Dessert
|
|
|
|
|
|
Here is the outline for something I saw this morning on Geraldo (by
|
|
accident) that was done by Penn & Teller. It's more of a macabre show-off
|
|
desert, but I laughed my ass off when I saw it.
|
|
|
|
Okay, start off by making some Jell-O, preferably strawberry or cherry or
|
|
some other flavor that's naturally red. But, use two to three times as
|
|
much Jell-O mix as you normally would, to thicken up the consistency.
|
|
After this is mixed, stir in some cool whip, and pour it into your
|
|
favorite standard party mold (the dome kind would be good).
|
|
|
|
Get a CLEAN plastic bag (inside and out) and place in it some Karo syrup.
|
|
Now add something like a very dar red wine, or grape juice. What you want
|
|
is a semi-thick VERY dark red (opaque) liquid which looks not unlike
|
|
blood. Starting to get the picture yet?
|
|
|
|
Okay, now place this bag in the mold, so that the bag is still floating on
|
|
top. Keep in mind that you want the Jell-O plus the bag to completely
|
|
fill the mold, but have a level surface, as this thing is going to flip
|
|
over later on. Put it in the fridge, and allow it to chill and set.
|
|
|
|
When you take it out of the refrigerator, you should decorate it a little.
|
|
Try drizeling some chocolate glaze on top and popping a couple of
|
|
strawberries cherries on top of this. Allow to set if necessary, and then
|
|
bring it out to your dinner guests.
|
|
|
|
At this point, your dinner guests will probably be oo'ing and ah'ing over
|
|
this rather nice dessert you've brought out to them. Make sure you've got
|
|
that big pointy butcher knife in one hand as you set this beauty down on
|
|
the table.
|
|
|
|
Now you get to play Norman Bates: cut into the side of this, making sure
|
|
you go deep enough to cut into the bag real wide. As you continue to cut
|
|
out a piece of the gelatin mold, the bag will leak into this, and your
|
|
bewildered guests will think your dessert is _BLEEDING_. Not to
|
|
disappoint them, cut out one of these bloody pieces of gelatin and plop it
|
|
down on a plate. If you're lucky, it will look like a recently-extracted
|
|
body organ.
|
|
|
|
Yes, this is gross. Yes, I wouldn't bring this to the typical dinner
|
|
party. Yes, I probably have a *very* warped sense of humor. But, I
|
|
laughed quite loudly when I saw this being done by Penn & Teller. At the
|
|
very least, it might be fun for a Halloween party... :-)
|
|
|
|
Cheers...
|
|
|
|
Gregory L. Pratt aragon@acm.rpi.edu
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
STEWY'S STORY
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
STALE CIGARETTES AND DIVINE REVELATIONS
|
|
|
|
Last night I lay awake in bed, staring out my apartment's only window at
|
|
the one source providing light. I guess I was hoping to find some sort of
|
|
answer from a source higher above or some deep, hidden revelation. Nothing
|
|
happened.
|
|
|
|
I searched for a pack of smokes, but wound up smoking a stale butt that
|
|
had been sitting in some astray I had forgotten I had. Stale smoke drifted
|
|
through my apartment and I could see the smoke by the grace of the moon's
|
|
light.
|
|
|
|
In an effort to de-smokify my claustrophobic apartment, I pushed the
|
|
window open and popped out the screen window. I popped my head outside and
|
|
stared down the four flights and wondered if the human body, plummeting
|
|
four flights to the cement below, would have the same impact if, say, I
|
|
were standing eight flights up. As I sucked in a plethora of bugs through
|
|
my nostrils, I held my breath and attempted to blow them out only to feel
|
|
one of them escape and drift to my throat.
|
|
|
|
"Jesus mother fucking Christ on a goddamn crutch!!" I shouted as I choked
|
|
myself into a hectic frenzy. As I was staring at the wall I noticed a very
|
|
vile-looking, HUGE cockroach ascending the wall and attempting to find its
|
|
way into my apartment. I, being the bug-hater of all time, ran into the
|
|
bathroom and grabbed an environmentally unsafe bottle of aerosol hairspray
|
|
and my Zippo lighter. There was a huge blast of flames.
|
|
|
|
"Die mother fucker, DIEEEEE!!!!" I shouted into the night. I saw the roach
|
|
burn, could taste it's burning flesh, shell, skin (or whatever the hell it
|
|
was made of) as it began its descent downwards. For a moment, I almost
|
|
thought I heard it hit the ground, but wasn't sure.
|
|
|
|
I felt better...much better. And in the deepest bowels of my inner mind,
|
|
I could hear it screaming, shrieking in pain, scolding me in the most
|
|
abusive and salacious bug language possible. Somehow I could hear it
|
|
saying, "FIRE, WALK WITH ME!"
|
|
|
|
My escapade with the bug ruined my idea of sitting on the windowsill and
|
|
dangling my feet like an innocent youth on a bench that was too tall for
|
|
them to place their feet on the ground. I closed the window, lit another
|
|
smoke and contemplated hanging myself with raw spaghetti, slitting my
|
|
wrist with a toothpick or digging my eyes out with a plastic spoon.
|
|
|
|
Grabbing a huge laundry bag, I tossed in all 18 pairs of Chucks, my Bible,
|
|
a new pack of smokes and a six pack of ice- cold Coke. I found my way to
|
|
the roof of the building, threw everything on the ground and stared at the
|
|
moon. There was no smiling, happy, joyful, cheery smile in the moon that
|
|
night...just a sinister darkness.
|
|
|
|
So there I was, walking along the ledge of the apartment building, holding
|
|
a cigarette in one hand, a can of Coke in the other and one of my Chucks
|
|
was untied, the black shoelace dangling over the ledge. The ledge was
|
|
about one-foot wide and somehow the can of Coke seemed heavier than the
|
|
cigarette and I wondered if, perhaps, I should have taken that course in
|
|
physics instead of Basket-Weaving 101.
|
|
|
|
"Two steps, one step, onward I go/balancing on the edge of insanity/Two
|
|
steps, one step, break a big toe/tell me if I'll live to see/Two steps,
|
|
one step, feel the wind blow/what is it that I've come to be?" I made it
|
|
up as I went along, attempting to balance myself, yet not caring if I
|
|
couldn't.
|
|
|
|
I jumped off the ledge, back onto the apartment building, grabbed the
|
|
laundry bag and emptied my Chucks out onto the ground.
|
|
|
|
"Super Occult Genius, that's what I am."
|
|
|
|
Placing each Chuck into the correct position, I created a star...what I
|
|
refer to as a pentagram. In the middle of the star I placed the Bible,
|
|
walked over to the ledge and dangled my feet over the side, waiting for
|
|
the Holy War to begin.
|
|
|
|
"Hmm, this kinda makes you wonder...I mean like, all those spiders that
|
|
have made their happy home in my pad could be like waiting until I fall
|
|
asleep and then crawl to my mouth and dangle those little, wirey feet of
|
|
theirs into my mouth as a sort of foreplay before they take the big
|
|
plunge."
|
|
|
|
I looked around...just who the hell was I talking to?
|
|
|
|
The moon's light was creating an almost heavenly beam of light upon my
|
|
colorful creation and I stared for several minutes. Nothing happened, so
|
|
I walked toward it in hopes that uttering some type of foreign language
|
|
might do the trick.
|
|
|
|
I circled the formation, trying in vein to think of some ancient, mystical
|
|
gibberish, but none came to mind. As I looked toward the moon, I heard a
|
|
rustling sound in the distance. Three figures, clad in black attire,
|
|
who's faces I could not see, began walking towards me.
|
|
|
|
"Who the hell are you and why are you on MY goddamn roof?
|
|
What's the password?"
|
|
|
|
The creatures stopped and stood in line for a few seconds before one of
|
|
them moved forward. It clicked his heels, touched its left arm to its
|
|
right ear and its right arm to its left knee.
|
|
|
|
"HAIL OTIS," it said, standing in that awkward position. Another click of
|
|
the heels and the second of the three creatures moved forward, recreating
|
|
the same motions that the first creature had made.
|
|
|
|
"HAIL LOTUS," it said, standing just as the first one stood. Then there
|
|
was a sort of thumping sound, a weak click of the heels and the third
|
|
creature scooted forward on its rear.
|
|
|
|
"HAIL SPODE," it said, sitting on the ground, attempting to pose itself as
|
|
the two others were. There was a loud smacking sound and a slight whimper.
|
|
"What the hell was that SPODE?," the other two creatures said with a quick
|
|
smack to SPODE's head, "I mean, haven't we practiced this enough yet. Do
|
|
we need to send you back to the freakin' military academy or what?
|
|
|
|
What appeared to be the first creature, who had shouted, "HAIL OTIS,"
|
|
stepped toward me, glancing at what I had built upon the ground.
|
|
|
|
"Like I said pal, who the hell are you? What the fuck are you doing on MY
|
|
goddamn roof? And just what the heck is the damn password?" I asked,
|
|
wondering if I had somehow, accidentally, added some rum to my Coke.
|
|
|
|
"The password is, uh, PURPS...THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE!"
|
|
|
|
"WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. You fucking lose pal, no nice doorprizes for you,
|
|
but thanks for playing Stewy's Game of Life." I looked in its direction
|
|
and watched its two partners fade into the darkness the same way in which
|
|
they had come.
|
|
|
|
"Ok, like WHO are you and what do you want with ME?"
|
|
|
|
It circled my star of Chucks, with its hands behind its back, stopped
|
|
directly across from me so that I could almost see its face, but the
|
|
baseball cap hid most of its features. It took the cap off and had what
|
|
appeared to be closely cut hair, cleanly shaven face (if you could call it
|
|
a face...more like dry, peeling skin, but in it's own special way, it was
|
|
kinda cute) and no eyebrows. It wasn't standing directly in the moon's
|
|
light beam, so I couldn't make out all of its features but I wasn't
|
|
exactly curious to know what it truly looked like.
|
|
|
|
"My name is OTIS. I am the ancient sumerian god/goddess, leader of the
|
|
Purple Thunderbolt of Spode," he explained to me in an odd language with
|
|
more hand gestures than were necessary.
|
|
|
|
"Right, and I'm a fucking space alien from Mars. Oh, better yet, I guess
|
|
if you're this Purple Thunderbolt of Sp...fucking whatever person, then
|
|
I'm the fucking POPE!" I told him, adding erratic hand gestures just so
|
|
that he wouldn't feel out of place.
|
|
|
|
"You cannot be the Pope. The Pope is my most fondest disciple. He carries
|
|
with him my word and preaches what I ask of him to preach. You are Stewy
|
|
and I have been told by several people that you are in need of help to
|
|
overcome your apparent aberrations."
|
|
|
|
"I've got to be slightly insane because I'm sitting here talking to some
|
|
schmoozer who looks like a blond bimbo who forgot to wake up after
|
|
spending the entire day sleeping on the beach. Wait one freakin' minute
|
|
here...I know who you are. You're OTIS, like the OTIS that everyone keeps
|
|
telling me about. Christ, you are for real! HOLY BUCKETS! I've got to tell
|
|
everyone that you ARE for real...not just something we made up."
|
|
|
|
"Now wait a minute here, Stew. I am real, yes, that is apparent. I am not
|
|
the God that the Bible speaks of, nor am I the Beelzebub that the Bible
|
|
speaks of. I am OTIS, created by those of you who could not accept the
|
|
other choices. I am only what you create me to be, therefore I exist."
|
|
|
|
He eyed my star of Chucks again and I was damn near shocked. I mean, like
|
|
OTIS for criminy sakes, he really DOES exist; but wait one goddang minute
|
|
here...
|
|
|
|
"I have been asked by several of my followers to come speak with you," he
|
|
said waiving his hands again.
|
|
|
|
"Oh like who? Mal? Come on pal, the guy is sitting on some huge commode in
|
|
the middle of Hell wishing he were on some submarine with Elvis as his
|
|
co-captain and drinking oodles of Slim Fast. Oh, but wait, maybe it was
|
|
the Rev, eh?"
|
|
|
|
It said nothing. "Yeah, well, the last I heard of Rev was that he was
|
|
telling Shark to do the horizontal lambada with you, running about town
|
|
pretending to be like some important political figure and he was probably
|
|
fondling that damn green hand he wears around his wormy little neck," I
|
|
said waving my hands in something of a seizure-like attack so as to show
|
|
my politeness.
|
|
|
|
Again, it said nothing. "Ok pal, who the hell was it? Like Shark? Let's
|
|
get real, the chick is flipping out and thinks I'm some psychedelic bird
|
|
who came to her on some ship with some weird message. And she's pregnant,
|
|
by the way and would you like to know what she's naming the kid?"
|
|
|
|
Once again, it offered no answer. "Ya know, you're like starting to piss
|
|
me off. If we created you, I can uncreate you."
|
|
|
|
"No. It was neither of them," it spoke at last.
|
|
|
|
I stared into the portion on his face that I assumed were his eyes. I
|
|
couldn't see anything but darkness, but that was alright with me. "Oh,
|
|
well if it wasn't any of those pinheads, just who the hell told you I
|
|
was/am walking the fine line between insanity and reality?"
|
|
|
|
"You."
|
|
|
|
"Me?"
|
|
|
|
"Yes."
|
|
|
|
"Oh, and I 'spose I just like woke up one night, stole some farmer's
|
|
satellite dish, hooked it up to my ears, plugged it in my ass hole and
|
|
sent out farting noises that you translated to be 'help me' messages,
|
|
right?"
|
|
|
|
"Similar, but not quite that difficult. I haven't the time to explain how
|
|
I came to help you, but I am here and I shall help." It extended a paw, or
|
|
perhaps it was a hand, though I am not quite sure and wasn't really
|
|
interested in knowing where that thing had been, but I found our hands
|
|
clasped together and we walked to the ledge of the building and walked
|
|
around the complex once. I, of course, was standing on the very narrow
|
|
ledge, whereas he was just kind of like there, walking beside me.
|
|
|
|
"Well shit, this isn't gonna be like _It's A Wonderful Life_ with Jimmy
|
|
Stewart or anything, is it?
|
|
|
|
No answer.
|
|
|
|
The sun was beginning to rise when we returned. I'm not quite sure of how
|
|
to explain what I had seen, nor do I quite know if any of those burning
|
|
questions that I have had since my youth were answered, but I can say that
|
|
it was magical. Almost...well, I can't really explain it. It showed me
|
|
things, many things; things that will soon come, things that will never
|
|
come, things that have already come. It was a divine revelation to say the
|
|
last and as time continues on, I have been ordered to share these
|
|
revelations with the world as I see fit.
|
|
|
|
SPODE and LOTUS were dancing in one of the corners atop the building and I
|
|
still couldn't see their faces, but SPODE was wearing day-glo pink Chucks
|
|
and LOTUS was wearing day-glo green Chucks. They were happy, that's for
|
|
sure. Even with daylight beginning to break, I still couldn't see OTIS's
|
|
face. It was still encased in a somber darkness. It began walking toward
|
|
its companions and turned to me before they disappeared.
|
|
|
|
"Stewy, two more things before I go. First, that star you built, well, if
|
|
it's 'spose to be a pentagram, it's not."
|
|
|
|
Before he could get to the second thing of which he spoke, I froze. "Just
|
|
what the hell do you mean it's not a pentagram. I was hoping for some
|
|
kinda Holy War up here and you're telling me it's not a Satanic symbol?"
|
|
|
|
"No, its the Star of David. You created no Holy/Evil War; just a war of
|
|
different religions and that has always existed. The second thing Stewy,"
|
|
it began.
|
|
|
|
"Yes, OTIS sir (I think it was safe to call it a sir)?"
|
|
|
|
"Humpy the Stumpy bear is a wanna-be kazoo, but it is a special being and
|
|
that is why I have sent him to you and the Rev. Humpy will aid you all,
|
|
and she will be most especially helpful with the upcoming elections and
|
|
that is most important. "
|
|
|
|
With that, it and its two companions clicked the heels of their Chucks and
|
|
were gone just as they came...fading into the sky.
|
|
|
|
[In case you hadn't figured out who wrote this Stewy did.]
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
MESSENGER OF THE GODS PART IV (I THINK)
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
|
|
[As our readers my recall from last time, our hero after receiving a
|
|
letter to deliver from the Mistress of Mayhem for Otis had set out to
|
|
perform his task. After many a spine tingling adventures involving the Fropheads,
|
|
he finally figured out where to deliver the letter to so Otis could get
|
|
it. Just then, he was once again attacked by the Fropheads and in the nick
|
|
of time was whisked to safety in the company of a Man in Black through a
|
|
cloud of tornado green fog that defied all laws of time and space, only to
|
|
find himself aboard an old supposedly "disappeared" nuclear submarine that
|
|
doesn't seem too sea worthy, in the company of Elvis, the Man in Black,
|
|
Dr. Mabuto the Voodoo Scientist, and a horde of Fishmen and zombies.
|
|
Heading north to their destination and after examining the letter and a
|
|
few other cryptic things (yeah folks go back and read the previous
|
|
parts for clues.) they discovered that a flying saucer was following them.
|
|
And so they decided to do something about it, using the Artifact Elvis had
|
|
been given by the mysterious "Space Friends" ]
|
|
|
|
They kept the artifact itself back in the mess deck. Most of the tables
|
|
and shelves had been removed to make it fit. It was a huge hunk of metal
|
|
and what possibly could have been plastic. It gave off a vague humming
|
|
aura and stank of ozone, looking like any falling apart.
|
|
|
|
To one side were a row of old car batteries wired together with
|
|
bright orange and red jumper cables.
|
|
|
|
"Why don't you hook it up to the reactor?" I asked Elvis, he and the Man
|
|
in Black were there. Mabuto stayed in the control room. He would be ready
|
|
for any order we gave him. We really did not have a plan of attack but we
|
|
figured we'd have to move the submarine around a little.
|
|
|
|
"Well," began Elvis scratching his head. He pulled a rag out of a pocket
|
|
on his jumpsuit and nervously wiped his hands. "The space friends who gave
|
|
me this dohicky said it doesn't need much power. They said it might be a
|
|
good idea not to have it hooked up to that cantankerous reactor in case it
|
|
failed."
|
|
|
|
"Oh that's nice." I commented.
|
|
|
|
"And they did not bother to tell you how to operate it did they?" asked
|
|
the Man in Black. He seemed to be taking a very deep interest in the
|
|
artifact. He slowly walked around the device peering here and there. The
|
|
black clad seemed to want to touch it but kept straining himself.
|
|
|
|
Elvis gave a nervous chuckle. "Nope. I reckon they don't know much about
|
|
it themselves. I guess we were pretty lucky to get it working back there
|
|
at the beach."
|
|
|
|
"And we're supposed to use this to take out that saucer following us? Oh
|
|
boy this ought to be good," I said. I think I managed to find the control
|
|
panel. There was a bank of switches and dials with several small screens
|
|
that looked like radar screens. Next to and below this was a large
|
|
assortment of levers you might find on a tractor or bulldozer. Nothing
|
|
was labeled. No writing. No directions. Nothing. Then again you didn't
|
|
have labels on a piano and people still managed to make noise out of it.
|
|
|
|
"Doggone it! I managed to make it work one time I can do it again," said
|
|
Elvis stepping up beside me. He stuffed his rag back in his pocket then
|
|
spat on his hands, like he was going to step up to the plate.
|
|
|
|
"Stand back give me some room," he said. I stepped back. I glanced over at
|
|
the Man in Black who was staring at Elvis intently.
|
|
|
|
Elvis sucked in his breath then hesitantly pushed a couple buttons. Then
|
|
he grabbed the biggest lever and pulled. The humming increased and all the
|
|
little radar screen lit up. Electronic noise filled the room. A purple
|
|
glow came from the machine as electronic discharges crackled about it's
|
|
internal works. Elvis let out the breath he was holding looking slightly
|
|
relieved. He gave me a silly grin.
|
|
|
|
"Okay what should I do with that damn saucer?" he asked.
|
|
|
|
"We need to capture the crew somehow. Could this thing snatch them here?"
|
|
I asked
|
|
|
|
"Oooh like on Star Trek? Beam 'em down?" asked Elvis.
|
|
|
|
"Something like that," I said.
|
|
|
|
"Perhaps we should try to something simpler," suggested the Man in Black.
|
|
He'd been edging closer slowly to get a better look at how Elvis operated
|
|
the artifact.
|
|
|
|
"Hell what's simpler than just beaming them down here?" Clearly Elvis was
|
|
intrigued by the idea.
|
|
|
|
"Do you know the process to accomplish that feat?" asked the Man in Black.
|
|
|
|
"Well no..but still," replied Elvis sounding like a little kid.
|
|
|
|
"Then perhaps you could operate the device in a manner similar to how you
|
|
operated earlier. We could simply walk up to the saucer and take them
|
|
prisoner," suggested the Man in Black. Elvis and I looked at him
|
|
skeptically.
|
|
|
|
"Um isn't the saucer kinda moving? You want us to run up beside it or
|
|
something? It's in the middle of the air anyways," I said.
|
|
|
|
"The artifact makes time, space and dimensions all relative. The saucer no
|
|
matter how fast will appear to be motionless to us. While the air will
|
|
seem a solid surface. How did we walk from your dwelling on the beach to
|
|
the deck of this very submarine if it was not through the air?"
|
|
|
|
He had a point. So we decided to give it a shot. I grabbed my machine
|
|
pistols and a couple of other little goodies while Mabuto put the
|
|
submarine on a very stable straight course. We did not need any
|
|
unnecessary jiggling with what we were about to do.
|
|
|
|
Elvis meanwhile madly scratched his head and tried to recall what he did
|
|
last time. After five minutes of these antics of his we just told him to
|
|
proceed and wing it.
|
|
|
|
I stood next to the Man in Black in a small chalk circle Elvis had drawn
|
|
on the floor. We couldn't very well go up on deck and leave from there
|
|
seeing as the we were still underwater. Mabuto had left his post at the
|
|
control room for a few moments to witness our attempt. He seemed highly
|
|
suspicious of the artifact and kept making mystical gestures at it,
|
|
shaking his rattle.
|
|
|
|
"Don't you go putting no hoodoo on this contraption, ya hear," warned
|
|
Elvis, who was clearly under a lot of stress.
|
|
|
|
Elvis pulled some levers and pressed some buttons seemingly at random. He
|
|
squinted at the little radar screen and cocked his ear to listen to the
|
|
noise of the artifact. Gysers of tornado green fog boiled out the machine
|
|
filling up the mess deck. I was blind. I wish I'd brought my might vision
|
|
goggles.
|
|
|
|
"Okie dokie!" yelled Elvis. His voice sounded very muffled and distant.
|
|
Mabuto yelled something as well but I couldn't catch it.
|
|
|
|
The Man in Black took my by the elbow and we began to walk. He seemed to
|
|
know where he was going once again. From his comments and the way he
|
|
acted, clearly he knew something about the artifact he was not saying, or
|
|
at least he know something about this tornado green fog business.
|
|
|
|
We walked for a couple minutes when the fog began to clear up slightly.
|
|
It thinned out and there before us was the Mayan saucer glowing a violent
|
|
green just like the fog. It was shaped like a very boxy airplane decorated
|
|
all over like a Mayan temple. In the boxy cockpit I could see three
|
|
figures. Two of them I recognized as the two fat fropheads who'd tried to
|
|
invade my place. The other was a woman dressed in a voluminous black
|
|
leather trench coat. She was yelling at the other too and seemed very
|
|
irritated. On her lab was a huge telephone book like tome made out of
|
|
golden plates. The didn't seem to notice us.
|
|
|
|
We boldly stalked up to the saucer. I banged loudly on the cockpit glass
|
|
with the butt of my machine pistol. The three inside jumped. I motioned
|
|
them to open the cockpit with my pistol. The woman stuck her tongue out at
|
|
me. One of the fropheads crouched down in his seat like a frightened
|
|
toad. The other just sat there stunned.
|
|
|
|
I made as if to fire.
|
|
|
|
"It's bulletproof," stated the Man in Black beside me. Meanwhile, the
|
|
woman began to punch buttons and move the control stick in an effort to
|
|
fly the saucer away from us. The saucer remained stock still caught in
|
|
the tornado green fog.
|
|
|
|
The Man in Black produced a small silvery screw driver which he deftly
|
|
popped off a panel next to the cockpit. It exposed a handle. He he pulled
|
|
out. There was a muffled explosion and the glass of the cockpit blew off
|
|
disappearing into the fog overhead. The Man in Black muttered something
|
|
about having to deal with that later. I assumed he mean the cockpit cover.
|
|
|
|
The three in the cockpit sat very still. I pointed my pistols at them and
|
|
ordered them out.
|
|
|
|
Slowly the three scrambled out. The Man in Black produced a skullcap of
|
|
sorts. It's surface was covered by electronic components. It looked very
|
|
crude and poorly put together.
|
|
|
|
"What's going on?" asked one of the fropheads. His voice shaking almost as
|
|
much as his knees. The other slowly peered around into the fog. The
|
|
woman's eyes bulged when she saw the skullcap.
|
|
|
|
"Now you're gonna learn what happens when you go messing with us," I said.
|
|
|
|
I figured we'd take them back to the submarine but the Man in black seemed
|
|
to have other plans. He was approaching the woman. He was going to put the
|
|
skullcap on her.
|
|
|
|
"Put it on him!" she yelled pointing at the frophead who spoke. "I'm only
|
|
the pilot. I know nothing of this." Her voice has a faint german accent
|
|
mixed with something else. I noticed she had blonde hair and blue eyes.
|
|
She was quite frightened by by the skullcap device.
|
|
|
|
The Man in Black considered the woman's words for a moment, then moved
|
|
over to the absolutely motionless frophead. With a few deft moment he
|
|
place the cap firmly on the man's head then activated it. Little lights
|
|
flashed.
|
|
|
|
The man's face when totally slack and he began to drool. The other
|
|
frophead moaned. "Shut up!" I said. I had my suspicious about what the
|
|
skullcap would do. I doubted the frophead would survived whatever it was
|
|
doing to him. The woman in the trench coat stared at the Man in Black
|
|
fascinated like a bird is to a snake.
|
|
|
|
"Speak," ordered the Man in Black to the drooling frophead. As if a damn
|
|
had burst the man spoke rapidly, his words slurred. He talked of his
|
|
childhood and his days in high school, his favorite Star Trek episode, and
|
|
then he stared talking about "Bob". I quickly holstered one of my pistols
|
|
and turned on a tape recorder. I wanted to get all this down.
|
|
|
|
"Well see.."Bob"..yeah "Bob" appeared to me see..well and then Captain
|
|
Kirk.. no it was "Bob"..he was on T.V. instead od Captain Kirk...no it was
|
|
Captain Kirk...no it was "Bob".."Bob"..Captain Kirk was smoking a pipe but
|
|
then it was "Bob"..not it was Spock..Spock was smoking a pipe and
|
|
grinning. No it was Captain Kirk..Captain Kirk was "Bob".."
|
|
|
|
The Man in Black made a slight adjustment. A small trail of blood began to
|
|
run out of the drooling frophead's one ear.
|
|
|
|
""Bob" appeared to me on the t.v. screen. He was captain of the
|
|
Enterprise...he was a better captain than Kirk...he managed to sell the
|
|
Romulins aluminum siding for their war ships....then he sold hair dryers
|
|
to the Klingons...oh and deodorant. He had a whole crate of the stuff he
|
|
sold to them. Best episode I ever saw...."
|
|
|
|
"Then he turned to me and looked at me. Really looked at me. Not like
|
|
Captain Kirk used to when he was ham acting but like he could see me. And
|
|
he began to talk. He said me name. He knew my favorite brand of tooth
|
|
paste. He told me secrets about myself I never knew. He said he'd give me
|
|
eternal life if I did a small tasks for him. The future was exactly what
|
|
Star Trek portrayed. I could be part of it if I'd go steal this letter
|
|
from some guy. He said to take my friend. He said women would fall over
|
|
me. He said I needed aluminum siding for my apartment...."
|
|
|
|
"Why did Bob want this letter!" barked the Man in Black trying to hurry up
|
|
the frophead's tale. He was slipping fast one of his eyes was spinning
|
|
around crazily and the other was clouded over.
|
|
|
|
""Bob"'s not been the same since the assassination...he's lost some of his
|
|
sexual potency..he wants it back. He thinks that letter from a goddess can
|
|
give it too him...He says I'd be like Captain Kirk..a woman on ever
|
|
planet...."
|
|
|
|
The frophead collapsed like a wet paper bag, pink blood and brain issued
|
|
from his nose and ears. I looked away, the other frophead fell to his
|
|
knees and puked. The woman made a little choking noise.
|
|
|
|
I flipped off my tape recorder and exchanged it for my other pistol. The
|
|
Man in Black retrieved his device.
|
|
|
|
"You killed him!" shrieked the remaining frophead cowering on the ground in
|
|
a pool of vomit.
|
|
|
|
"Shut up!" ordered the woman, "Better him than you."
|
|
|
|
"It was only an earthling," intoned the man in black. He put the skullcap
|
|
away.
|
|
|
|
"Hey, we're you get that gizmo?" I asked. He ignored me.
|
|
|
|
"Well now what? Back to the sub?"
|
|
|
|
"Indeed. These two must accompany us. We still have use for them." said th
|
|
Man in Black. He glanced off into the fog as if looking for our return
|
|
path.
|
|
|
|
"No!" whimpered the cowering frophead. "Isn't one of us enough. I never
|
|
knew when I sent in my $20 this would happen. I thought Bob was a joke.
|
|
It was fun. My friend made me do it."
|
|
|
|
The woman looked at the frophead in disgust and stepped a few steps away
|
|
from him. "What are you going to do with us?" her voice was steady but she
|
|
was pale. She was scared. Her eyes met mine then slid over to the Man in
|
|
Black's shades.
|
|
|
|
"Clearly we can't leave you here. You'll just cause us more trouble," I
|
|
said.
|
|
|
|
"Mabuto could use more Fishmen. Especially one as attractive as her."
|
|
|
|
--Mal 1991
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
AND STILL MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: 17 Jul 91 21:47:00 EDT
|
|
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
|
Subject: NOTW
|
|
|
|
Under the heading "Insolent Chariots":
|
|
|
|
General Motors notified owners of 1988 Buick LeSabres that the owner's
|
|
manual should be replaced because of a printing error. The notice came
|
|
with a corrected manual and an advisory: "Please place the [new] Owner's
|
|
Manual in your vehicle's `glove box' and discard the old manual or take
|
|
[the new manual] to your dealer for installation, at no charge to you.
|
|
Estimated time for this correction is five (5) minutes." Syndicated
|
|
columnist Mike Royko called a Chicago Buick dealer who told him that 2
|
|
owners had brought their manuals in for installation.
|
|
|
|
And in the chapter "Occupational Hazards":
|
|
|
|
A company trying to continue its 5-yr perfect safety record showed its
|
|
workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job.
|
|
According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory
|
|
industrial accidents was so graphic that 25 workers suffered minor
|
|
injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. 13 other fainted, and
|
|
1 man required 7 stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while
|
|
watching the film.
|
|
|
|
And from "Odd Ends":
|
|
|
|
An 81-yr-old woman in Arkwright, SC, died of smoke inhalation after
|
|
apparently mistaking an end table in her mobile home for a fireplace &
|
|
setting a fire under it.
|
|
|
|
In Prague, a woman, distraught after learning that her husband had been
|
|
unfaithful, jumped from a 3rd-story window. She landed on the husband, who
|
|
was entering the building at that moment. He died; she survived.
|
|
|
|
During the same week in May, 1989 hit-&-run drivers in Washington, DC &
|
|
Oakland Park, FL were themselves killed within minutes by other hit-&-run
|
|
drivers.
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
NEW EXCITING MEDICAL PROCEDURE, FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
|
|
Date: Wed, 10 Jul 1991 11:14 HKT
|
|
From: Ed Spodick <LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu>
|
|
Subject: ***WARNING** - Some may find this an uncomfortable topic. It's
|
|
humour, but if you are offended then just delete it. Personally, I had
|
|
trouble containing my laughter. :)
|
|
|
|
----- Begin Included Message -----
|
|
|
|
A SLIGHT BIT OF MODERATE DISCOMFORT
|
|
by Mary Cartledge-Hayes
|
|
|
|
I've been confused lately by the arguments in the popular press over the
|
|
Testicular Imaging Device. Why do you suppose there's so much resistance
|
|
to this medical miracle?
|
|
|
|
In case you haven't read about this machine, it's the new and highly
|
|
effective method of diagnosing testicular problems at an early stage,
|
|
when the highest likelihood for complete recovery exists. In this
|
|
noninvasive procedure, the testicles are placed on a metal plate which
|
|
has been cooled to 33 degrees. A pre-calibrated device the aligns the
|
|
mass, automatically flattening it to the correct density between two
|
|
moving steel plates, after which a radiological image is produced. The
|
|
entire procedure generally takes less than forty minutes.
|
|
|
|
The test is well enough thought of that both the AMA and major insurance
|
|
companies have begun urging patients to include it in routine annual
|
|
physicals.
|
|
|
|
"Why wait for problems? Get your baseline at age 38 and one a year for
|
|
the rest of your life, and you'll never need to lose another night's
|
|
sleep worrying" three out of four doctors urge.
|
|
|
|
Contrary to what one might suppose, resistance is not centered on
|
|
concern over the radiology involved. That issue was fully addressed
|
|
early on.
|
|
|
|
"There aren't any guarantees in new technology like this," commented one
|
|
researcher who asked to remain nameless. "In fact, we'll probably need
|
|
to zap an entire generation and check the cancer rates before we can be
|
|
one hundred per cent certain. But we have full confidence in this
|
|
machine; we know it's a lifesaver."
|
|
|
|
The people questioning this concusion are the ones now benefiting from
|
|
it, those who've undergone the procedure. Reported comments in from
|
|
diagnostic clinics range from "Oh my God!" to "Turn this bastard off
|
|
before I break your neck!"
|
|
|
|
While it's true that the testicles are squashed flat, authorities
|
|
emphasize that the procedure is not painful.
|
|
|
|
"Some people will undergo a slight bit of moderate discomfort. We
|
|
suspect it's related to hormone levels, or maybe date of the last
|
|
ejaculation. But you also have to remember that some men are so eager
|
|
for sympathy -- their wives don't understand them or the kids are
|
|
demanding or the boss is giving them a hard time --that they use this as
|
|
an opportunity to vent their frustration. And we understand that. We
|
|
just hope people won't use that as a crutch to explain away their
|
|
indifference to good health."
|
|
|
|
The medical community remains surprised by the strength of the
|
|
resistance.
|
|
|
|
"We didn't have anywhere near this much trouble selling the mammogram,"
|
|
said one noted doctor who requested anonymity, "and it's basically the
|
|
same technique. Go figure."
|
|
|
|
People who have undegone TID respond variously to that comment.
|
|
|
|
"Women are stupid," said one.
|
|
|
|
"You're dealing with delicate tissue here," said another. "Well, yeah,
|
|
maybe breasts are delicate, too, but it isn't the same."
|
|
|
|
The third interviewee was more forthright.
|
|
|
|
"The deal with women," he said, "is that they're easily frightened. You
|
|
threaten them with death, and then you hurt them. That's socially
|
|
acceptable. The medical community just misgauged the climate among men.
|
|
Though we've come a long way, we haven't gone that far."
|
|
|
|
Women interviewed take a different view, "I'd be happy if he had this
|
|
test every month," said one. "His health is that important to me."
|
|
|
|
"I've even volunteered to drive my husband to the clinic," said a
|
|
second. "He cringes every time I mention it. I guess that just goes to
|
|
show how stubborn men are."
|
|
|
|
Promoters seem unconcerned about public acceptance.
|
|
|
|
"We'll sell it the same way we did the mammogram," says one. "All we
|
|
have to do is plant the seed of doubt. It'll sprout on its own. I
|
|
predict overcrowded offices and three-hour waits before the end of the
|
|
year."
|
|
|
|
A few lingering reservations aside, this writer thinks it behooves men
|
|
to hurry to a diagnostic clinic now, before the rush begins. In fact,
|
|
I'll go so far as to plead with men to do so. If you won't do it for
|
|
yourself, do it for someone you love. I know she'll appreciate it.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
copied without permission from /The Funny Times/
|
|
|
|
|
|
----- End Included Message -----
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
AND STILL MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
|
|
Date: 10 Jul 91 10:45:00 EDT
|
|
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
|
Subject: News Of The Weird (as usual)
|
|
|
|
Rather morbid weirdness from the chapter "The Only Way Out":
|
|
|
|
A 30-yr-old California man committed suicide in 1980 with an overdose of
|
|
drugs because, according to a suicide note, "I just can't live another 4
|
|
years with Reagan."
|
|
|
|
A 17-yr-old boy identified only as Eugene killed himself with a drug
|
|
overdose in Sevran, France, because his parents refused to pay for plastic
|
|
surgery that would enable him to look like Michael Jackson.
|
|
|
|
A 27-yr-old man & his 21-yr-old wife, who were likely to receive no more
|
|
than probation on minor drug charges in Rockville, MD, committed suicide
|
|
in full view of their parents & relatives by downing cyanide packets in
|
|
the courtroom just before their sentencing.
|
|
|
|
And from "Let's Make a Deal":
|
|
|
|
In Fitchburg, MA, someone stole a 3-foot-tall ceramic statue of the baby
|
|
Jesus from the creche set up by the rotary club and left this ransom note:
|
|
"We have Jesus. We will hang him unless the police leave 5 cases of
|
|
Budweiser here January 1."
|
|
|
|
John Alvin Jackson of Trenton, SC, admitted giving his estranged wife to
|
|
another man to settle a $200 debt because he was "red hot mad" at her.
|
|
After getting her to go with him under the pretense of spending a long
|
|
weekend at a lake to try to reconcile their marriage, he suggested they
|
|
stop by Frank William Yeck's place in Grovetown, Georgia, to pick up a
|
|
Bible. There, Jackson handed her over. Yeck placed her in bondage & forced
|
|
her to participate in various sexual activities before she escaped the
|
|
next day.
|
|
At Yeck's trial, she testified that she submitted to him because
|
|
she feared for her life & her son's. Yeck testified that the woman was a
|
|
willing participant in his actions. "If I had any idea they were against
|
|
her will, I would have stopped," he said. "I showed her how to enjoy sex.
|
|
Pain was the objective to a certain extent."
|
|
Johnson, who testified against Yeck as part of his plea-bargain,
|
|
said Yeck had assured him he would not harm her. Afterward, Jackson said
|
|
Yeck told him, "It's nothing serious. The marks will go away in a couple
|
|
of days. I know what I'm doing."
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
COLD WAR FUNNIES
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
From: aghst1@unix.cis.pitt.edu (Andrew G Hummell)
|
|
Subject: Even more cold war humor
|
|
Date: 10 Jul 91 22:36:51 GMT
|
|
|
|
LITTLE RED
|
|
----------
|
|
by WEWST1
|
|
|
|
from: "The Brothers Marx: Official State-Sanctioned Tales for Impressionable
|
|
Preschool Soviet Youth"
|
|
|
|
|
|
One day, when Little Red came home from the Young Pioneers meeting
|
|
and Informing session, her mother said to her, "Little Red, as you know,
|
|
this June we had the use of the communal oven, and so I have baked some
|
|
wholesome Russian rye bread which I would like you to take to your
|
|
grandmother at the People's Rest Home and Communal Farm." To which Red
|
|
replied,"I will be more than happy to Mother, because we Pioneers are to
|
|
help the old and inform on them if necessary." So off Little Red went
|
|
with the bread in her basket and the People's Song in her heart.
|
|
As Little Red skipped efficiently down the path to the People's Rest
|
|
Home and Communal Farm, she met a wolf who said to her,"Hello there, who
|
|
are you? And where are you going in such an efficient manner?" To which
|
|
Little replied "I am Little Red, and I am going to the People's Rest Home
|
|
and Communal Farm to give my grandmother some good wholesome Russian rye
|
|
bread." This interested the wolf, and he said,"Little Red I know some
|
|
people that would give good money for such bread; why don't you have your
|
|
mother bake some more bread and we can share in the profits." "EEEK!"
|
|
cried Little Red,"You are a capitalistic wolf, I do not want to be
|
|
corrupted by your decadent ways!" And she ran down the trail as fast as
|
|
her legs could carry her.
|
|
But that capitalistic wolf was not so easily put off from money. He
|
|
took a short, decadent way to the People's Rest Home and Communal Farm and
|
|
oppressed the worker into the closet, for he was also an imperialist, and
|
|
put on Little Red's grandmother's working clothes and lay in wait for
|
|
Little Red and her basket of wholesome Russian rye bread. The wolf did
|
|
not have to wait long before Little Red came knocking at the door. The
|
|
wolf said, "Come in Little Red; I am in bed." Little Red opened the door
|
|
and walked over to the bed and said,"Hello Grandmother, I have brought you
|
|
some good wholesome Russian rye bread that mother baked -- but
|
|
Grandmother, how big your eyes have gotten." The wolf replied,"All the
|
|
better to see the good wholesome Russian rye bread with." Little Red
|
|
said,"Grandmother, your nose -- it is big also." And the wolf said,"All
|
|
the better to smell the good wholesome Russian rye bread with." Little Red
|
|
said,"Oh, but Grandmother -- your hands are big too!" And the wolf
|
|
said,"All the better to take the good wholesome Russian rye bread with!"
|
|
And with that, the wolf jumped up and grabbed the basket of good wholesome
|
|
Russian rye bread. Little Red screamed for help, and this would have been
|
|
the end if it had not been for the fact that a group of soldiers from the
|
|
People's Revolutionary Army was cutting wood in the forest nearby for the
|
|
Russian Summer and heard Little Red's cries for help. The soldiers rushed
|
|
in and saved Little Red, the old people, and captured the decadent,
|
|
capitalistic, imperialistic wolf.
|
|
What became of them all? Well, for her bravery, Little Red received
|
|
many commendations and eventually became a high-ranking Politburo member.
|
|
The wolf was to be shot but was traded to an imperialistic country for a
|
|
hero of the People. Little Red's grandmother was eventually sent to the
|
|
People's Rest Home and Salt Mine in the North for having many decadent
|
|
"Beatles" records in her closet.
|
|
THE END.
|
|
********
|
|
|
|
|
|
The Heroic Tortoise and the Capitalistic Hare
|
|
---------------------------------------------
|
|
by Andrew Hummell
|
|
|
|
|
|
from: "The Brothers Marx: Official State-Sanctioned Tales for Impressionable
|
|
Preschool Soviet Youth"
|
|
|
|
|
|
Once there was a great race between comrade Tortoise and a capitalistic
|
|
lackey hare. The hare boasted of a sleek, new, fast, expensive sport-
|
|
automobile, while the heroic Tortoise drove a solid, well-built vehicle
|
|
made in his glorious Motherland. Indeed the hare's sport-vehicle, paid
|
|
for by the blood and sweat of the exploited proletariat in his decadent
|
|
nation, was fast, and it took an early lead; however, it soon broke down
|
|
due to inferior craftsmanship brought about by an inefficient capitalistic
|
|
system. Comrade Tortoise, driving a vehicle created by superior workers
|
|
in a factory owned by the people, then passed the capitalist dupe and
|
|
won the race thus proving the superiority of comrade Tortoise's Motherland.
|
|
|
|
THE END.
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
SCENES FORM SURREALIST MOVIES COME TRUE
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: Thu, 11 Jul 1991 14:33:12 -0400
|
|
From: Kirk Crady <kcrady@POLARIS.CV.NRAO.EDU>
|
|
Subject: Bottom of the barrel post
|
|
|
|
[stuff deleted]
|
|
|
|
"A 12-year-old girl is under treatment at
|
|
the All India Institute of Medical Sciences
|
|
because ants emerge from her right eye.
|
|
Doctors have used medication to reduce
|
|
the number from 50 to 60 per day to 6 or 7
|
|
per day. They believe small holes in an eye-
|
|
lid may be hosting ant eggs, but surgery
|
|
and X-rays have been inconclusive. She re-
|
|
ports the condition irritating but not pain-
|
|
ful."
|
|
[stuff deleted]
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
MOVIE REVIEW
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
From: BIFF@BIFFVM.BIT.NET (THE BIFFMAN COMETH)
|
|
Subject: NEW MOVIE
|
|
Date: 12 Jul 91 02:51:59 GMT
|
|
|
|
COWABUNGA D00DZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
I JUS T SAW EDWURD SIZZER HANDS II AND I THOT IT WUZ TOTALLY KILLER!!!!!!!
|
|
ME N MUFFY N MY BBROTHER WENT TO SE IT AND WOW!!!!! TOTALLY K00L SIZZER
|
|
HAND FX AND COOLNESS!!!!! RAD LOTZ OF GUNZ AND BANG BANG BOOM!! AND THE
|
|
GUNZ NROZEZ SONG WUZ NARLEE!!!!
|
|
|
|
I THOT THAT ARNULD SHWARZONEGER DID KUUL IN THE MOVIE BUT THE GUY W HO
|
|
ACTID EDWURD WUZ WIERD AND WHAT WUZ WITH HIM MEELTING ANDLIQUID AND STUFF
|
|
IDONT GET IT.
|
|
|
|
BUTT THE LINDA KONNER BABE WUZ TOTALLY MUSKULAR AND D00DZ!!!!!! HEY LINDA
|
|
ARE YOO OUT THERRE CALL ME UP I AM BABISH!!!!!!! LETS DO DA WILD THING
|
|
MAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
THE ONLE THIN G I THOT WAS NOT REAL ISTIK ABOUT THE MOOVIE WUZ WHEN THE
|
|
GUARD DUDE LIKKED LINDABABE ON THE FACE AND SHE JIST LAID THERE AND
|
|
DIDDUNT DO ANY THING. WHAT UP LINDA??????????????????????? GET IT
|
|
ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
WELL D00DZ IT IS WAYK00L BEING BAK ON THIS BBOARD AGIN BUT I GOTTA GO
|
|
GETMY NEW COMMPUTER SET UP ITZ WAYK00L MY BBROTHER IZ HELPING IL POST A
|
|
BBOARD MSAGE WHEN ITZ DONE OK????????????? INTIL THEN
|
|
ICOWABUNGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
PS: OH YEAH THI S BBOARD ALT.FAN.WORLORD IZ AWESUM AND IPOSTID TO IT CUZ I
|
|
HAVE A K00L SIG!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
BIFF@PSUVM.ANDREW.PORTAL.COM.XZ.US.RUTGERS.ARPA.BITNET.EDU.UUCP DUDE!!!
|
|
MAN!WOMAN!BIRTH!DETH!INFINITI!ROCKS!TREES!BIT.NET!BIFF@UUNET.UU.NET.EDU
|
|
|
|
---------- .-----.----- ##
|
|
|........+########### ######## #####f@o# BIFF@PSUVM.PSU.EDU
|
|
|........| ######### ######## #########- BIFF+@ANDREW.CMU.EDU
|
|
|...<....- ##-------# ## . BIFF!@NETHACK.NET.HACK.EDU
|
|
-..-...--- ##|.....|# ##
|
|
BIFF ## #### ##......|####### ######## WAITING -4-
|
|
## ### ##|.....-####### ######## ARMAGEDIN DUDE
|
|
## ## ##|.....|# ## IT"LL BE WAY KILLER!!!
|
|
######### ##-------# ##
|
|
######## ######### ## ## BIFF@BIT.NET
|
|
######### ## ## BIFF@BIFFVM.BIT.NET
|
|
##
|
|
|
|
BIFF the Digger St:25 Dx:18 Co:18 In:18 Wi:18 Ch:18 CHAOSTIC!!!!!!
|
|
Dlvl:1 G:0 HP:2(13) Pw:1(1) AC:7 Xp:1/17
|
|
|
|
HEY D00DZ K00L!!!ILEARND FRMO MY BBROTHERHOW TO COPY STUFF AND BUT I DONT NO
|
|
WHAT DOES THAT SECOND LINE MEAN WITH DLVL AND HP AND XP OR WHAT I DONT GET IT
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
VOODOO BEER
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
From: jsl@unix.cis.pitt.edu (John Lundberg)
|
|
Subject: Voodoo beer
|
|
Date: 5 Jul 91 18:16:16 GMT
|
|
|
|
Excerpts from "Call it Voodoo, but Texas Surrenders in Beer Battle":
|
|
(New York Times, 5-July-91)
|
|
|
|
"Just when a skirmish with a Louisiana brewery was threatening to become a
|
|
full-blown beer battle, the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission has thrown
|
|
in the towel. Effective today [July 4], Dixie Blackened Voodoo Lager Beer
|
|
is no longer contraband in the Lone Star State.
|
|
|
|
Beverage officials banned the New Orleans brew in January because, they
|
|
said, its name and label, which shows a swamp, conjure images of witchcraft
|
|
and the occult. But on Wednesday, faced with legal questions, a retaliatory
|
|
ban on a Texas beer, and widespread ridicule, the regulators changed their
|
|
minds.
|
|
|
|
But the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission says it does not joke around
|
|
when it comes to voodoo. In June, Raymond Hoskins, supervisor of marketing
|
|
practices, said the prohibition "has to do with your cults and public safety
|
|
areas."
|
|
--
|
|
John Lundberg / jsl@unix.cis.pitt.edu / University of Pittsburgh CIS
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
JFK's BRAIN STILL ALIVE
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
From: chguest@pioneer.arc.nasa.gov ( Charles J. Guest )
|
|
Subject: Re: Is this REALLY true?
|
|
Date: 8 Jul 91 03:29:00 GMT
|
|
|
|
In article <13815@uwm.edu> j0nez@csd4.csd.uwm.edu (John William Bowman) writes:
|
|
=>Sorry if this has been discussed here before, but I just heard this on
|
|
=>a PBS program. (Direct all flames, if applicable, to my mailbox.)
|
|
|
|
You can not always believe what you hear on PBS, but in this case it is
|
|
true.
|
|
|
|
=>Does the government REALLY have Kennedy's brain on some sort of life
|
|
=>(life, for a brain?) support system? Sounds like a bunch of hooey to
|
|
=>me....
|
|
|
|
Kennedy's brain is in fact being kept alive. There is documentary
|
|
evidence to prove this in the files that Oliver North shredded a few
|
|
years back. The government has a real serious interest in keeping this a
|
|
secret because of ties to project bluebook. You see Kennedy's brain is
|
|
being taken care of by alien beings. It will someday be transplanted to
|
|
one of the 'faces on mars' and the stone will come to life. In turn the
|
|
Easter Island Faces will be subjugated by this new king. Our
|
|
government, using Elvis Presley as a liaison, has made these
|
|
arrangements with Porlachj Schnahug the alien who was taken prisoner in
|
|
Roswel New Mexico. You should also be aware that Mr. Tesla has been
|
|
given the job of taking care of the security arrangements for this
|
|
exchange. The most important thing for us all to remember is that the
|
|
CIA and George Bush have decided that security is of paramount
|
|
importance to this mission. Do not speak of this to anyone because if
|
|
you do, there is a strong probability that you will be
|
|
kildhgsdvxfvgbazhbsxujnxdhndjcmxj xnc
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
AND STILL MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
|
|
Date: 13 Jul 91 12:38:00 EDT
|
|
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
|
Subject: NOTW
|
|
|
|
From the chapter "Marching to Their Own Tune" :
|
|
|
|
Lowell Davis of Savannah, MO wrote down the names of every person he ever
|
|
remembered meeting since the age of 3. By the age of 83, Davis had amassed
|
|
3487 names and filled 679 pages in a binder, recording them with notes
|
|
about each. The names are arranged in chronological order by places Davis
|
|
has lived. One example: "Leonard McKnight-- fond of chicken gravy."
|
|
|
|
And from "Gives Me the Willies":
|
|
|
|
Francisca Cruz, 44, of Los Angeles, was convicted of the murder of her
|
|
landlady. Cruz & her son dismembered the body in a bathtub, then Cruz
|
|
boiled the flesh, baked it in an oven, & packaged it. Her son then
|
|
deposited the packages in trash cans in LA's Chinatown district. He said
|
|
that his mother intended it as food for the homeless in the area.
|
|
|
|
Convicted of a series of sniper shootings in RI & MA during 1986 & 1987,
|
|
Russell J. Ducharme II said that he started shooting at people after
|
|
shooting at street lights "got boring."
|
|
|
|
From "Fruits of Research":
|
|
|
|
73% of the adults who responded to a poll by Parents Magazine said they
|
|
favored "a high level of patriotism" in the nation, but only 53% admitted
|
|
owning an American flag.
|
|
|
|
10 cows burp enough gas in a year to provide for all the space heating,
|
|
winter heating, & cooking requirements of a small house, according to a
|
|
study reported in _Epalog_, the official publication of the Environmental
|
|
Protection Agency.
|
|
|
|
And from "Missed the Point":
|
|
|
|
Preston Womack of Mableton, GA was arrested by Cobb County police after he
|
|
sat in a restaurant wearing a pair of jockey shorts on his head and would
|
|
not leave when asked. Police Sgt. M. Toler said later that "other than
|
|
wearing jockey shorts on his head & socks on his hands, he was well
|
|
behaved."
|
|
|
|
A 1982 United Nations report warned that sex education lessons were
|
|
failing in certain remote Asian villages. Observers found that the men
|
|
were swallowing birth control pills and, to mimic the health educators'
|
|
demonstrations, had placed condoms on their fingers & on bamboo poles.
|
|
|
|
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|
|
Steph (StephK on IRC) "Undermine their pompous authority
|
|
kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu Reject their moral standards
|
|
Make anarchy and disorder your trademark
|
|
Stephanie Klein Cause as much chaos & disruption as possible
|
|
123 S. Madison But don't let them take you alive."
|
|
LaGrange, IL 60525 -- Sid Vicious
|
|
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
NEWS FROM THE WORLD OF SPODE
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
|
|
Date: Sun, 14 Jul 1991 14:33 HKT
|
|
From: Ed Spodick <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
|
|
Subject: Here are a few more tidbits...
|
|
|
|
***********************************************************************
|
|
" I am not, nor ever have been, in favor of bringing about in any way
|
|
the social and political equality of the white and black races--I am
|
|
not, nor ever have been, in favor of making voters or jurors of
|
|
Negroes,-nor of qualifying them to hold office, nor to intermarry
|
|
with white people."
|
|
-Abraham Lincoln
|
|
First Lincoln-Douglas Debate
|
|
August 21, 1858
|
|
***********************************************************************
|
|
|
|
|
|
South China Morning Post - 9 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Bat Paranoia_
|
|
|
|
BRISBANE: A Turkish seaman who jumped ship to seek a new life in
|
|
Australia became so afraid of attack by vampire bats that he asked
|
|
to be sent home. Mr. Rafit Belir, 29, was walking along the north
|
|
Queensland road when harmless fruit bats filled the sky, but he
|
|
became convinced they were after his blood.
|
|
|
|
*************************************************************************
|
|
|
|
_America_ - South China Morning Post - 8 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Design your own dinosaur_
|
|
by Jon Marsh
|
|
[reprinted without permission]
|
|
|
|
With all the problems facing the world today, it is
|
|
comforting to know that scientists are out there relentlessly
|
|
beating back the boundaries of knowledge in order to make our
|
|
planet a better, safer place to live.
|
|
Take Dr. George Poinar of the University of California at
|
|
Berkeley, for example. His life's work is to try to breed a
|
|
dinosaur from left over bits of dinosaur DNA found in fossils.
|
|
Luckily for Dr. Poinar, DNA, the basic genetic building
|
|
blocks of life, survives in objects as diverse as ancient Andean
|
|
corn, prehistoric Florida Indian brains and the gut of a 12,000-
|
|
year-old mastodon.
|
|
The bad news is that dinosaur DNA is in short supply and
|
|
after 10 years he has not found a single scrap of the stuff.
|
|
Undeterred, Dr. Poinar is concentrating on tracking down
|
|
chunks of amber resin that might contain the preserved bodies of
|
|
insects such as mosquitoes, which might have snacked on dinosaurs
|
|
back in prehistoric times.
|
|
"My belief is that there are dinosaur cells inside biting
|
|
flies trapped in amber," he said. "It's just a matter of finding
|
|
the dinosaur DNA and getting it out."
|
|
These are the instructions for a do-it-yourself dinosaur:
|
|
1. Find large chunk of amber that contains blood-sucking
|
|
insects that dined on a dinosaur shortly before their demise.
|
|
2. Extract genetic material.
|
|
3. Inject into embryo of living reptile, eg, an alligator.
|
|
4. Wait until the egg hatches.
|
|
5. Run like hell.
|
|
|
|
***************************************************************************
|
|
South China Morning Post - 11 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Massive hunt on for 'atomic goat'_
|
|
|
|
Helicopters and aircraft are searching vast stretches of New
|
|
Mexico in America for a most unusual fugitive - a radioactive
|
|
goat.
|
|
Dubbed the "atomic goat", the animal escaped two months ago
|
|
during one of those federal experiments that seemed like a good
|
|
idea at the time. Luckily for it, but unhappily for the
|
|
searchers, it does not glow in the dark.
|
|
"We haven't seen it or heard from it for a long time," said
|
|
Mr. Mike Fall, a researcher at the Denver Wildlife Research
|
|
Centre.
|
|
The animal is one of 62 Angora goats fitted with collars
|
|
holding radioactive isotopes and radio transmitters.
|
|
The transmitters were supposed to track the goats' movements
|
|
on the Jornado experimental range in New Mexico and determine the
|
|
hunting patterns of coyotes.
|
|
The isotopes would identify any coyotes that killed the
|
|
goats, ingested the radiation and later were captured.
|
|
But 10 of the goats escaped to the wild, where they could
|
|
mingle with Bighorn sheep, now on New Mexico's endangered species
|
|
list.
|
|
Experts worried that the goats could infect the sheep with a
|
|
sexually transmitted disease and that predators would ingest the
|
|
radiation, polluting the food chain.
|
|
Nine of the fugitives were recaptured after only a short
|
|
spell of unbridled freedom and were slaughtered, as were the 52
|
|
goats who chose to stay behind.
|
|
Now, the last "atomic goat" roams free after two months.
|
|
Researchers have been unable to pick it up on radio, possibly
|
|
because the transmitter's battery has run down or he has managed
|
|
to tear it off.
|
|
Believing the animal has found a home on the range,
|
|
airborne officers equipped with tracking devices are on the prowl.
|
|
The orders: Get their goat.
|
|
-Knight-Ridder-
|
|
[Of course we all know that the Space Aliens got the goat. After all it
|
|
disappeared in the Nightmare Alley Area. Probably taken by the same band of
|
|
dimbulbs that got the fiberglass cows. I'm sure their scientst are still
|
|
scratching the grey little heads over this on.]
|
|
***************************************************************************
|
|
Lai See - South China Morning Post - 4 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Rogues Gallery_
|
|
|
|
A chap we know who is professionally interested in financial
|
|
skulduggery applauded the news that the government is looking for
|
|
a private contractor to provide villainous-looking people for
|
|
identity parades.
|
|
"A few months ago, for a big fraud case, they needed five or
|
|
six suspicious characters to be in a line-up with a guy who had
|
|
defrauded millions of dollars out of people," he said.
|
|
"They brought on these scurvy-looking drop-outs, with greasy
|
|
hair, paint-splashed trousers and flip-flops.
|
|
"Then the, er, suspect turned up - and he was wearing a
|
|
cashmere coat, Italian shoes, and trousers with ironed creases in
|
|
them. He looked like a million dollars: the million dollars he
|
|
had cheated out of people."
|
|
Our source added that it was important that more investment
|
|
was put into the identity parade business, otherwise convictions
|
|
would not stand.
|
|
"We want actors," he said. "Not street sleepers."
|
|
Anthony Perkins is good at this sort of thing, but we
|
|
suppose he may be a bit pricey.
|
|
***************************************************************************
|
|
|
|
Lai See - South China Morning Post - 4 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Beggar's Opera_
|
|
|
|
Mrs. _Lai See_, whose idea of promoting the free flow of
|
|
capital is to distribute her spouse's wages to beggars, spotted a
|
|
worthy candidate this week.
|
|
This was a wizened, apparently disabled old man in a
|
|
wheelchair, plaintively begging in Chater Garden, Central.
|
|
The first time she passed, he had barely enough strength to
|
|
thrust his plastic cup at her.
|
|
The second time she passed, it happened to be the end of his
|
|
working shift.
|
|
He climbed out of the wheelchair, placed his begging
|
|
equipment on the seat, and effortlessly wheeled it away towards
|
|
the Star Ferry, puffing happily at a cigarette and jingling the
|
|
coins in his pocket.
|
|
Will someone from the identity parades business give this
|
|
man an acting job?
|
|
|
|
***************************************************************************
|
|
South China Morning Post - 5 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Martian Alarm for Kennedy_
|
|
|
|
The Director of the Crypto-Phenomena Museum in Malibu,
|
|
California, has announced the discovery of a volcanic formation on
|
|
Mars that looks like Senator Edward Kennedy.
|
|
According to Jon Erik Beckjord, who found the 5.8-kilometre-
|
|
wide formation in a satellite photograph in NASA's archives, the
|
|
crater "gives the impression of a square face, with fat jowls, and
|
|
a chin protruding out of the jowls. This is a characteristic look
|
|
of Kennedy".
|
|
"He's got similar eyes. You can see an eyebrow and a lock
|
|
of hair coming down over the head, and there's a slight smirk, a
|
|
satisfied looking smirk on the face," he said.
|
|
Mr. Beckjord says he has found a number of other images on
|
|
Mars, including one resembling Tammy Faye Bakker, wife of
|
|
disgraced 'televangelist' Jim Bakker.
|
|
Senator Kennedy, according to the _Washington Post_
|
|
newspaper, "expressed alarm" when told of the phenomenon.
|
|
"I knew I should have stopped eating those Mars bars," he
|
|
said.
|
|
|
|
***************************************************************************
|
|
|
|
Lai See - South China Morning Post - 5 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Slipped Disk_
|
|
|
|
The Hongkong office of software firm Microsoft has just
|
|
launched its first "unerase" program, part of the DOS 5 package.
|
|
If you have unwittingly erased your company's entire
|
|
financial spreadsheet, this program will get it back.
|
|
The firm may wish to send a copy to Bogota, capital of the
|
|
South American nation of Colombia.
|
|
A computer in that city has just eaten up the Colombian
|
|
Constitution, according to the _Washington Post_.
|
|
The document was stored on a computer, ready to be presented
|
|
to the convention for a vote. Apparently there was no back-up
|
|
disk.
|
|
***************************************************************************
|
|
|
|
South China Morning Post - 11 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Man leaking gas closes hospitals_
|
|
|
|
PERTH: The emergency rooms of two Australian hospitals were closed
|
|
after lethal gas leaked from a man who swallowed pesticide
|
|
tablets.
|
|
The toxic fumes caused Swan Districts Hospital staff in
|
|
suburban Perth to be evacuated and about 15 patients to be moved
|
|
from the emergency room of Royal Perth Hospital.
|
|
The incident also prompted a big fire brigade operation at
|
|
Royal Perth, which police called in to close roads. The gas is
|
|
inflammable as well as toxic.
|
|
Several doctors, nurses and ambulance officers were treated
|
|
for fume inhalation.
|
|
The unidentified man was believed to have swallowed four
|
|
tablets containing Phostoxin pesticide. He was found, collapsed
|
|
but still alive, in suburban Perth early on Tuesday.
|
|
When the tablets reacted with his body fluids, phosphine gas
|
|
was emitted from his body. The gas can be fatal within minutes of
|
|
inhalation.
|
|
The emergency started shortly after two ambulance officers
|
|
transported the sick man to Swan Districts Hospital.
|
|
Ambulance deputy superintendent Mr. Wayne Kerslake said the
|
|
officers noticed the fumes. As the smell became worse, they
|
|
turned on the air conditioner to ventilate the vehicle.
|
|
Staff at Swan Districts Hospital also detected the gas and
|
|
decided to send the patient to Royal Perth for further treatment.
|
|
Swan's emergency section was closed until chemical experts cleared
|
|
the area about an hour later.
|
|
The man dies about two hours after he was found. It was not
|
|
known why he swallowed the tablets.
|
|
-Associated Press-
|
|
|
|
***************************************************************************
|
|
|
|
_P.S._ - Sunday Morning Post - 7 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Clouded Intentions_
|
|
|
|
Diners at the American Club's topnotch Empress of China
|
|
restaurant will have noticed the place has recently become a no-
|
|
smoking zone, with a sign on the menu politely asking smokers to
|
|
refrain from lighting up.
|
|
But the restaurant appears bent on testing the resolve of
|
|
frustrated smokers by providing an ashtray on each table with a
|
|
box of matches.
|
|
What do they expect diners to do? Set fire to the menu?
|
|
|
|
***************************************************************************
|
|
|
|
_America_ - South China Morning Post - 8 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_A New Menace_
|
|
by Jon Marsh
|
|
[reprinted without permission]
|
|
|
|
Neighbours and friends beware, a new menace is on the loose.
|
|
The millions of Americans who have been subjected to hours
|
|
of misery at the hands of merciless home movie fanatics are
|
|
awaiting the ultimate nightmare invitation: "You must come round
|
|
and watch my latest operation."
|
|
Yes, the surgery video has arrived. Surgeons across the
|
|
country have begun giving videotapes of operations to their
|
|
patients.
|
|
The video is recorded by a tiny mobile camera lowered inside
|
|
the body. A sound track provides running commentary by the
|
|
surgeon as they snip away at the offending part.
|
|
Karen Bennett held a party to show her gall bladder
|
|
operation and got mostly favourable reviews.
|
|
"At least you know they didn't leave anything in there,"
|
|
said one friends. "And it'll be something to show your kids one
|
|
day."
|
|
|
|
***************************************************************************
|
|
|
|
_P.S._ - Sunday Morning Post - 7 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Shades of Difference_
|
|
|
|
Chinese Prime Minister Mr. Li Peng demonstrated some serious
|
|
gaps in his general knowledge when he toured the pyramids of Egypt
|
|
last week. Mr. Li compared what he had seen to China's Great
|
|
Wall, saying the ancient structures symbolised "the wisdom of the
|
|
working people in ancient times".
|
|
Doesn't the Chinese leader know the pyramids were built by
|
|
Slaves? Or, perhaps that was what he meant?
|
|
|
|
|
|
South China Morning Post - 11 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Tourist Fines_
|
|
|
|
VENICE: Stepping up their campaign against "bad mannered"
|
|
tourists, Venice city officials have decided to fine visitors
|
|
strolling bare chested or wearing bathing suits in the
|
|
city.
|
|
|
|
***************************************************************************
|
|
|
|
Sunday Morning Post Magazine - 7 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_A Sticky Problem for Phoneys_
|
|
|
|
It looks as if opponents of those abominable portable
|
|
telephones have at last got their own caped crusader. He was
|
|
spotted in action on the Star Ferry, where he delicately applied
|
|
super-glue to the earpiece of a phone sticking out of the pocket
|
|
of a gent in front of him. We're told there was consternation
|
|
unlimited when the victim became attached to his toy.
|
|
|
|
***************************************************************************
|
|
|
|
South China Morning Post - 12 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Diners taste the high life and keep coming back for more_
|
|
|
|
Diners in a central Chinese city found the dishes at 70
|
|
restaurants so addicting they kept going back for more - at least
|
|
until the authorities discovered the cooks' secret ingredient.
|
|
Officials in Luoyang found the restaurants were putting
|
|
opium poppy pods in dishes such as beef soup and wheat and rice
|
|
noodles, the _Health Daily_ reported yesterday.
|
|
The restaurant owners apparently wanted to guarantee high
|
|
profits by establishing a string of regular customers.
|
|
They brought in opium pods through various channels and put
|
|
them into the soup and seasoning, the newspaper said.
|
|
It added that the resulting dishes were not only addictive
|
|
but could poison the liver and heart if too much of it was eaten.
|
|
The sanitation inspectors who stumbled on to the secret
|
|
ingredient then set about searching all of the city's restaurants
|
|
for the poppy pods.
|
|
They seized more than 5,000 kilograms from a range of food
|
|
processors, including the 70 restaurants, the newspaper reported.
|
|
It did not say if any arrests were made or if the customers
|
|
were suffering lingering health effects.
|
|
The case had "aroused the attention of leading cadres
|
|
concerned in Henan province" and officials were treating it
|
|
seriously.
|
|
-Agence France Press-
|
|
|
|
***************************************************************************
|
|
|
|
meanwhile - in America.....
|
|
|
|
_America_ - South China Morning Post - 8 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_A Useful Contribution_
|
|
by Jon Marsh
|
|
[reprinted without permission]
|
|
|
|
New York's crack dealers are making a useful contribution to
|
|
society after all.
|
|
It appears that these overworked captains of the city's
|
|
narcotics trade are excellent organ donors who meet all the strict
|
|
medical criteria - they tend to get killed a lot, they usually get
|
|
shot in the head, and they rarely take drugs themselves.
|
|
"Few transplant professionals recognise the extent that New
|
|
York's more than six murders a day has in some way provided us
|
|
with the organs to practice our trade," Dr. Lewis Burroughs told a
|
|
conference recently.
|
|
"They're ideal. Most of them are crack dealers and they're
|
|
too smart to use drugs. They can't practice their trade if
|
|
they're on drugs."
|
|
|
|
***************************************************************************
|
|
|
|
Sunday Morning Post - 6 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Column Eight_
|
|
by Stuart Wolfendale
|
|
[reprinted without permission]
|
|
|
|
[stuff deleted]
|
|
|
|
Apparently China is to erect a steel fence against Western
|
|
bourgeois liberalism.
|
|
I seriously doubt the necessity of this. It is largely
|
|
beyond question that nothing and nobody would bust a gut to get
|
|
into modern China in the first place. In fact internal ruptures
|
|
and worse have been contracted by those wishing to go in precisely
|
|
the opposite direction.
|
|
In my several visits there I have already been impressed by
|
|
China as the world's largest and most efficacious open prison.
|
|
Inmates are given enough to do, and a very large space to do it
|
|
in, without ever being given the slightest inclination to return
|
|
if ever they are let out.
|
|
Given too that there is not a decent bourgeois liberal drink
|
|
to be had outside a five-star hotel, the place also doubles as the
|
|
world's largest detoxification centre in the history of Betty
|
|
Ford.
|
|
Turning China into a closed institution worries me on
|
|
several counts. For example, I fear for this steel fence thing.
|
|
My only association with Chinese steel has been at the China
|
|
Products tin opener level, and there the cutting head buckled and
|
|
fell away in terror at the very sight of a bourgeois liberal tin
|
|
of Del Monte peaches.
|
|
If they build a fence of that stuff, Joshua of Jericho won't
|
|
need trumpets so much as a penny whistle.
|
|
|
|
[remainder deleted]
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
--SUBINK 1991
|
|
|
|
|