1417 lines
62 KiB
Plaintext
1417 lines
62 KiB
Plaintext
***** ****** ****
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** ** ** ** ** Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
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** ** ** ** The Summer Version of
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***** ***** ** The Purple Thunderbolt of Spode
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** ** ** **
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** ** ** ** **
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***** ****** ****
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***** ***** ***** *****
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***** ***** ***** *****
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************* ************* ************* *************
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** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** **
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********* ********* ********* *********
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** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
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***** ***** ***** *****
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Yep looks the same but it ain't
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================================================================
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 23
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================================================================
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"South Florida's Very Own REPLIES TO: barker@acc.fau.edu
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Non Alien Run Electronic Magazine"
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* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
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*** P P U U R R P P S
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***** P P U U R R P P S
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******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
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********* P U U R R P S
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*********** P U U R RR P S
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***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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* **** *
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*** *** ***
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**** * *****
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************************************
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****************************************
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************************************
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**** ***** *****
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*** ***** ***
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* ***** *
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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***********
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*********
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*******
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*****
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***
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*
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===========================================================================
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INTRO
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===========================================================================
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Oh dear. This issue will probably not live up to the last owing to the
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fact that we didn't have quite as many submissions and that I'm sort of
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hurling this together. Normally I seem to do these on Saturday mornings
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but this time around the old AC was busted so it was way to hot to work
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so I was elsewhere. Dunno..Maybe I'm just getting lazy as time goes by.
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Anyways, as usual we're always looking for submissions. I've been quite
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pleased lately with what I've got. We can use a lot more though. Dig deep
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into your souls. Let the spirit of Otis fill you with his divine light
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and shower with creativity in his name.
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Gag what an unholy nightmare this issue appears to have become. The later
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half of this track consists entirely material inspired by one of two
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divine beings. First the Pope. There's a note in there somewhere that
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explains it all.
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The second Divine Being is Humpy the Stumpy Bear. Currently Humpy the
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Stumpy Bear is residing here with me for occult testing. Usually she can
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be found with the Rev John.
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Who's Humpy? you ask. Well Humpy is a small divine Bear shaped being made
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out of a substance which resembles plastic but comes closer to Manna
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molecular structure. She has a peg leg, no butt, and is pregnant with the
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Divine Child who as of yet we really don't know much about. Stumpy, as we
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generally call her, has air hold in her tummy so you can peer inside and
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actually see the Divine Child. Also she has a slot in the top and bottom
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of here that you can blow through like a kazoo. So far no one has been
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able to produce a very reasonable kazoo like noise out of her. In my
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researches I have come to the realization that if someone can blow the
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Stumpy Kazoo business and make a decent kazoo like noise, they must be
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some sort of chosen person, in a similar manner to the sword and stone
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bit, where only King Arthur could pull the sword out of the stone.
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One more thing. Chucks. Chucks are a form of foot gear. Stewy is our
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Resident expert on Chucks so if you have any questions on them you should
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write her. Some have speculated that when Otis is lounging around his pad
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he is prone to wear chucks, while when she is out swanning about one his
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daily rounds she wears jungle boots.
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Inside you'll find:
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Dress Codes
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Government in Action
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News of the Weird
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Book of Begat
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Magick Of Colors
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Story Time
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And So It Begins
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Tales from Our Lady of the Bloody Pinking Shears
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More News of the Weird
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Elvis News
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More Curse of the Child Actors
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Mal Speaks of Rev John's Up Coming Running for Office
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And Still More News of the Weird
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Campaign Clippings
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===========================================================================
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Dress Codes
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===========================================================================
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[Seeing as the Otisians have become an International kind of thing. It
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seems like a good thing to include some choice words on proper dress
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codes for other countries. We must send missionaries abroad to convert
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the ignorant and they must be dressed properly to be accepted in any
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country.]
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Date: Fri, 07 Jun 91 22:06:40 -0400
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From: "Sam Hill Cabal, DS" <bwdavies@rodan.acs.syr.edu>
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Subject: Silly European Dress Code Articles
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>From: <RFLOOD@ESOC.BITNET>
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Subject: Dress Codes
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Here are the recommended dress codes for European countries. Guaranteed to
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make you 'blend in' with the locals ! (Men only I'm afraid).
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England: Dinner jacket, striped grey/black trousers, white shirt (starched
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if possible), patent leather shoes, bowler hat.
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Germany: White shirt, lederhosen (leather shorts with suspenders), knee
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length socks, black shoes, felt hat with little feather in it. Optional
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extra: 48" beer belly.
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France: Ten year old polyester suit (MUST be shiny), polyester shirt,
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sneakers. Optional extra: smell of garlic on breath.
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Italy: $1000 Guicci casual jacket over $800 Fiori shirt. Designer jeans
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from Phillip Heyes. Gold-lines Reeboks. Lacoste sunglasses. Optional
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extra: pull-out car radio under left arm. 18 year old blond bimbo under
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right arm.
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Spain: Short sleeve shirt, jeans, sneakers. Satisfied smile and glass of
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sangria in hand. Optional extra: Two more in stomach.
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Switzerland: Pinstripe suit. White shirt. Highly polished black shoes.
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Phillip Patek watch. Bank account in Lichtenstein.
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Belgium: Pinstripe suit. White shirt. Highly polished socks. Sneakers.
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Packet of pomme frittes (french fries) in hand. 15 kids and a fat wife.
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Netherlands: Any dress will do, must be worn with holzshoen (clogs). Note:
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to be mistaken for a Netherlander, you must speak 15 languages fluently.
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(Depressing, isn't it ?!)
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More to come.......
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Date: Wednesday, 5 Jun 1991 11:11:59 CET
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>From: <RFLOOD@ESOC.BITNET>
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Subject: Dress Codes (ladies)
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After many requests, here are the corresponding ladies' dress codes.
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England: Multicoloured flower print dress, white sandals. Floppy hat,
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handbag, copy of 'Cosmo'. Note that as English women generally have large
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bottoms, you may - as a foreigner - wish to buy this dress outside
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England.
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Germany: (Normal) baggy old 'help-the-aged' faded dress, white
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blouse.
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(Green) denim one-piece button up the front pants suit,
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sneakers
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(Upper Class) two piece smart polyster suit from 'Quelle'.
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France: Up to 10 a.m. Rubberised housecoat, hair in curlers.
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From 10 a.m. Smart blouse, jeans, hair in curlers.
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For visiting the opera. Smart little black dress, hair in curlers.
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Note: It is forbidden by law to trim underarm hair in France.
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Italy: Sweater, jeans, sneakers. Total value of outfit not to be less
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than $10000. If over 30, large black dress. Optional extra: husband.
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Second option extra: lover. Lots of real gold rings, necklaces, etc.
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Belgium: Scarf on head, blouse, skirt (black), apron (white), plastic sandals.
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Steaming platter of pommes frittes (french fries) to be carried in
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left hand. Optional extra: large bottle of 'Stella Artois' beer.
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Netherlands. Scarf on head, blouse, jeans, ecologically sound sneakers.
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Packet of controlled substances in left rear jeans pocket.
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Optional extra: boyfriend, cheese, white bicycle.
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===========================================================================
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Government in Action
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===========================================================================
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From: MAX::FNORD "GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY" 9-JUN-1991 22:03
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To: FNORD
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Subj: r.p.1
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[Note: the following is from a letter sent by "Roger P." (a real
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person, I have his last name & address if you're interested) to
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the T.V. news program "20/20." Copies were also sent to other media
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and to various government officials, including the president.]
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20/20
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157 Columbus Ave.
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New York, New York, 10023
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Dear Sir:
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In October of 1985 I started a pet store in Tacoma, WA. In March of 1986
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Pacific West Sport and Raquet Club located itself in the same shopping
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center. When I first opened the store I was told or threatened by Rod Boyd
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and Denny Van Wee that if I did not lock and bar the backdoor at the store
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someone would walk through it and change my life.
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Well, on the 28 of January, 1986, someone did walk through the backdoor.
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I was later told that it was Bill Dickconson. This man walked through
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the backdoor as we were cleaning the shop one morning and asked my
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now ex-wife for sex.
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Five months before I had a lower back operation so I was not about to
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walk out and see who it was and get paralyzed from the waist down in
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a stupid fight.
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It was March (when Pacific West was established) that the sickness in the
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shopping center really started. By July the shops in the center all
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showed signs of drugs and prostitution and I was tipped off by a Tacoma
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policeman to clean up my shop.
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This garbage had already destroyed my family and my life had been
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threatened twice. Sexual handsigns had already started in the shop and
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men were walking from Pacific West every 20 to 30 minutes.
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I completed my construction job downtown and took over management of the
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pet store. By Christmas the garbage had gotten even worse with me in the
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shop and my life had been threatened at least twice more in spite of me
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telling the police and the narcotics division. My house had been burnt out
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from under me and my family so decided to sell the shop and broke the
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lease.
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Since the shop has been sold, I have been totally harassed by certain
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members of the Tacoma police force. I have a good suspicion of the Tacoma
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fire department. I am harassed constantly on every job I obtain until I
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am fired. I am also receiving threatening phone calls dealing with myself
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being shot.
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20/20, this is the same group of people, that if my memory serves me right
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was investigated in the 70s. This involves all pet stores, body fitness
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clubs, and certain elements of the police and fire departments who cover
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up the drug and prostitution activities. What has been written is only
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the tip of the iceberg.
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Sincerely,
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Roger P.
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[Again: I have this gentleman's full name and address. I also interviewed
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him, and believe me - what he has written here IS only the tip of the
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iceberg (of his theories).]
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---St. Loopy
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****
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Date: Sun, 9 Jun 91 22:13 PDT
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From: FNORD@U.WASHINGTON.EDU
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Subject: Call for submissions
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[This is a reply to Roger P.'s letter from the President - then
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Ronald Reagan. Sounds pretty suspicious to me. Maybe Roger is right.]
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THE WHITE HOUSE
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WASHINGTON
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JAN. 11, 1988
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Dear Roger P.:
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On behalf of President Reagan, thank you for your message.
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The president appreciates the time you have taken to tell him of your
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situation. However, the matter you discuss is one over which the Federal
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government has no jurisdiction. We can only suggest that you contact your
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State government officials, who should be able to help you further.
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With President Reagan's best wishes,
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Sincerely,
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Anne Higgins
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Special Asst. to the President
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and Director of Correspondence
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===========================================================================
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News of the Weird
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===========================================================================
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Date: 10 Jun 91 11:03:00 EDT
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From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
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Subject: NOTW-- and a special welcome to PJI who is temporarily joining our
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happy Weird family
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From the chapter "On the Job":
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Officials in Jacksonville hired 23 people to work the weekend before Xmas
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1989, doing nothing but flushing the 503 toilets at the Gator Bowl to
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prevent the stadium's water pipes from freezing.
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In Dallas, a 25-yr-old police officer posing as a high school student as
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part of an undercover drug operation was nabbed for being tardy & sent to
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the principal's office. Told he could choose between a paddling &
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detention, the officer was forced to take the spanking because detention
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would have interfered with a scheduled drug buy.
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2 men had little trouble robbing an armored van in Livonia, MI. They
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simply pulled open the van's back doors, which were unlocked &held shut by
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rubberbands, which police said the van's security guard used to avoid
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going through the trouble of unlocking & locking the doors at each stop.
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From the chapter "In Context":
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A 1986 report by a U.S. Dept. of Education panel on a history curriculum
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designed for students to react to the genocide of Jews during WWII
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criticized the content of the curriculum as "unfair" to Nazis & the Ku
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Klux Klan. The report stated, "The program gives no evidence of balance or
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objectivity."
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A Florida assistant attorney general in charge of the criminal division in
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the early 1980s, George Georgleff, told a reporter that he knew for sure
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the death penalty is a deterrent to murder because visions of the electric
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chair once stopped him from continuing to strangle his wife during a
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domestic dispute: "I found myself choking her, & I saw her eyes start to
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pop out, & suddenly off to the left or the right, I saw the electric
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chair."
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===========================================================================
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Book of Begat
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===========================================================================
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Date: Mon, 10 Jun 91 14:25 PDT
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From: FNORD@U.WASHINGTON.EDU
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Subject: The book of begat
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THE BOOK OF BEGAT, Chapter 1
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(1) And OTIS appeared in the land and said to the people gathered
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there "Be multiples and fruitify." (2) And then he turned to Spode and
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said "Take over for awhile - I'm gonna take a nap." (3) And Spode
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chuckled, for he knew that only one man had listened to the words of OTIS
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and he was called "Hank of Nicocea," who was reknowned in the land for
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being hard-of-hearing. (4) And it came to pass that Hank misheard the
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words of OTIS and believed he had been commanded to beget.
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(5) So Hank went unto the land of Heyjudea where he found a maiden
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named Clem, and he was much smitten with her. (6) "Behold," cried Hank,
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"OTIS has commanded us to 'be fruitful and multiply.' Willst thou lay with
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me?" (7) But the maiden Clem refused saying, "That's a new one, buddy. Now
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get thee hence, lest mine father smite thee."
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(8) Hank wept.
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(9) But Spode appeared to him in the form of a burning duck, saying
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"Weep not, O Hank, for thou art truly blessed. Return thee to the maiden
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Clem and ask "What is thy sign?"
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(10) "For this is the way to begat thou with her many children who
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will carry on thy name and pay tithes to the Church (may it be solvent
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forever!)" (11) Thus speaking, Spode returned to the firmament (near
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Milwaukee) where all the deities resideth.
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(12) So it came to pass that Hank spake the magic words of Spode and
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he went in unto Clem.
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(13) And they begat Clank, who became reknowned in the land for his
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skill at sand hockey. (14) And Clank lived to be 233 years old and begat
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100 children who were called "the 100 brats of Clank" and they were as a
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salt lick on the land.
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(15) Spode chuckled and said unto them, "Divide thyselves evenly
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into twelve tribes and set forth to begat in all the earth." (16) And the
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100 brats fell to arguing among themselves, for they could see no way to
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divide themselves evenly. (17) But then from among them arose Lemur the
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Wise, and he pointed to the sky behind them and said, "Hey look, isn't
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that OTIS?" (18) And whilst their backs were turned he slew four of his
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brothers, and took their wallets.
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(19) Now when the other 95 brats looked back they saw four of their
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number lying dead on the plain of Babbleon and they were anguished, saying
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"What hast thou done? Wretched art thou!" (20) But Lemur explained that
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the remaining 96 brats of Clank could now divide evenly into twelve. (21)
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And the brats fell to calculating among themselves, and when most of them
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agreed that 96 was evenly divisible by 12, they rejoiced and separated
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into twelve tribes to begat throughout the earth.
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(22) Now Lemur by his deeds was the most blessed by Spode and he
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married his cousin Necessity, and they begat Invention. (23) And Invention
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begat Ronald, Herb and Mary (of the almost virgin birth). (24) Now Ronald
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begat Lucinda, Lili and Frodo and the twelve aborted fetuses of Gilead.
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(25) Herb begat Simeon the gardener whose plants made people happy to
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smoke. (26) Simeon begat Abraham who begat Isaac.
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(27) But it came to pass that Abraham wandered around in the desert
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too much and ate strange fungi there. (28) And Abraham had a bad trip one
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day and decided that he should kill his son to prove that he was a "Knight
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of Faith" to "Jehova - the God who appears if one eats strange fungi in
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the desert."
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(29) But Spode had mercy on Isaac (who owed him ten bucks) and
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convinced Abraham that he really shouldn't slay Isaac, because he wouldn't
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even get any life insurance money out of it.
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(30) And so the brats of the brats of Clank populated the earth with
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their continuous begetting. (31) And they wandered around driving other
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people out of their nations so they would have more room to beget. (32)
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And they burned heretics and the cults of Amway salespeople who tried to
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dwell among them. (33) And they begat children who begat more children,
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for begatting was joyous to them. (34) And, for a joke, they began to eat
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other living creatures. (35) And they cut down the trees so they would
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have more room to begat. (36) And begatting begat begatting and more
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begatting.
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(37) And more begatting.
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(38) And then it came to pass that OTIS awoke and looked upon the
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earth and slapped Spode around for lousing it up.
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(39) And OTIS said unto the people, "For Christ's sake, use some
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condoms, you idiots!" (40) and the multitudes shouted "For WHOSE sake???"
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(41) And OTIS said "Erm, never mind."
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[Note: This is from the King Fredric the Bald version of the OTISian
|
|
Bible, passed unaltered through the hands of twenty nine generations of
|
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Popes and Bishops (of course it was, um.... "retranslated and updated by
|
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every one of them).
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|
----Most recently retranslated and submitted by,
|
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:Saint Loopy:
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===========================================================================
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Magick of Colors
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===========================================================================
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Date: Mon, 10 Jun 91 22:54:20 CDT
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From: Jeanne B Schreiter <shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
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Subject: Complementary Colours (for purps, maybe)
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Found this in a book my sister gave me.
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Place two lighted candles in front of a screen or white wall. Place a
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figure cut out of cardboard (like a devil or your idea of dearest Otis)
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between them to produce two black shadows.
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If a glass of red wine is placed in front of one candle, the shadow cast
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will change to red. The other shadow will seem to have disappeared, but if
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you look closely it will in fact have changed to a pale green (the colour
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complementary to red.)
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If you use a glass of beer, one shadow will appear yellow while the other
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will become violet. Substitute with a glass of water coloured with blue
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dye and make the other shadow orange.
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Oh well, it's an interesting book called "Pentagames," 1990 Pentagram
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Design Limited. Simon and Schuster.
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shark
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/\
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===========================================================================
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Story Time
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===========================================================================
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Date: Tue, 11 Jun 91 11:20:57 CDT
|
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From: Jeanne B Schreiter <shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
|
|
Subject: Story...
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"All of this and nothing"- by JB Schreiter
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or
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called
|
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"The Nothing Sky"
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dedicated to Otis
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|
|
I'm looking up into the sky, hell I don't know why, but why should you
|
|
care, since you're not here with me. My soul is like cajun blackened
|
|
fish, raw sweet and bitter. I have nothing.
|
|
|
|
Next thing I know I'm alone on this huge carrier, no planes, just this
|
|
tanker. Everything is here. Everything I see, or saw, remotely
|
|
programmed, comes out of my mouth like sound waves rippling through the
|
|
air--intake and output. No TV, no VCR to play Bugs Bunny cartoons on, no
|
|
BBQ's, no pick up sticks (they make wonderful fire starters), just Yen and
|
|
me.
|
|
|
|
So I'm on this boat, no yacht, just a small craft about 251.3 feet long of
|
|
sheer (like pantyhose) steel. I'm sitting, no, I'm standing, cut me some
|
|
slack, it's exam week and I don't know where or what the hell I'm doing
|
|
anymore. This splotchy bird comes up to me, quite pretty really. Its
|
|
flying down and lands on my shoulder while I'm praying to Buddha and Otis.
|
|
No blasphemy. I have this agreement with Otis, ever since that dream I
|
|
had of fucking him. Otis.
|
|
|
|
She. This excellent bird. Hear her out, watch her fly. Wings of silver
|
|
across the yellow gold sky. She speaks in tongues and hands me this twig
|
|
wrapped in twine. Names are places, unlike mine. Her feather spread my
|
|
sight from sound (which led to another place, further on down, later on.)
|
|
She lands on my blue shoulder, now teal, haven't been outdoors enough, I
|
|
con- clude. Her claws do not rip into my shoulder; although they should.
|
|
I insulted her once already. Just holding still. Otisian this one. I
|
|
didn't need to ask who, already knew. Now before you get all this
|
|
biblical imagery in your head, forget it.
|
|
|
|
(to be continued)
|
|
thisx
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
(Silence)
|
|
|
|
Life slowed to a stop. The wind stopped blowing. The sailboat stopped
|
|
sailing breath like icicles, hit the deck, splintering into thousands per
|
|
thousand.
|
|
|
|
Osmosis. Many marine organisms have boyd fluids lower than 5 parts per
|
|
thousand. Fluids are enclosed in a semipermeable membrane, allowing h20
|
|
to move along them, blocking the passage of salt. Kind of like a sieve
|
|
for pasta. Ask Maq[Mal?] for recipes.
|
|
|
|
to be continued...
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
"...She pauses, glancing, learning, judging..only once
|
|
|
|
only one direction is accessible..yet two choices to make" I read on
|
|
lights flicker in and reflect out, bouncing back. It's simply signed,
|
|
"Stewy". P00f! The bird vanishes. NOTHING moves for a second or 15 and
|
|
then this glowing light, like, glow-in-the-dark golfballs. This strange
|
|
rubbing, biting sensation on my back, skimming off old skin. You can run
|
|
you can sail, you can swim the english channel for a dollar, or I'll
|
|
give you a dollar to swim the english channel...backwards, you can hide in a
|
|
cave on the top of a volcano, sometimes, or you could try pretending to be a
|
|
pink-orangey flamingo that walks on water on Good Fridays in April or
|
|
get a bottle of Johnny Walker @ noon on no particular day and drink
|
|
yourself silly, but your guardian angel can always find you to tell you he
|
|
hasn't seen you around lately, not nearly enough :), and that you should
|
|
surface more (see line 13 of this story on why you haven't been around.)
|
|
|
|
Sailing east towards Lake Michigan, it's only one block away. Watery,
|
|
whistling Dixie waves, S and P waves too, Big Time, margaritaville. I still
|
|
hate that song.
|
|
|
|
Pure and simple. Like Ivory and water, 99.9 percent dead-heads spewing up
|
|
milk toast and old Walker (bad breath, I tell ya), they haven't found their
|
|
angels yet. You can't look, they haven't figured that out yet. All that old
|
|
stoning and still can't see. I don't feel sorry for them, only regret, this
|
|
backrub feels great!
|
|
|
|
Last time I knew I met the Devil in Otis's shoes, either that or it was the
|
|
devil in Miss Jones, but I don't think so. Cloud height-6, 9-if you're upside
|
|
down, almost infinite if you're sideways, or by points if you're playing horse-
|
|
shoes. What do I know, my eyes were closed, enough porn for one day.
|
|
|
|
I could smell cloves somedays, rolling at sea. I didn't right now.
|
|
|
|
The old sea, red, spewing blood from its gullet like thick Afrikan bees
|
|
brough up from the south. Migrating for better paying newspapers. They
|
|
sell more when they have better stories and better...
|
|
|
|
CIRCULATION...it's the movement. The ability to carry materials. It's
|
|
important to life.
|
|
|
|
(to be continued)
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
Important to life..aren't we all just a little transparent? Like Shrinky
|
|
dinks. remember them? almost as popular as the Brady Bunch... now
|
|
Peter, well, I would have fucked him, if he was still young, when I was.
|
|
|
|
Shrinking too fast.
|
|
Capsizing.
|
|
I screamed in four different languages. I could have screamed in more but
|
|
at the time, I just wasn't thinking too clearly.
|
|
|
|
Pynocline.
|
|
|
|
Big strong arms lifted me out of my leaky, bubbling orange water wings.
|
|
The pool. It was deep, maybe 3 feet, max. . Complete with an excess of
|
|
toes, swishing the cement bottom.
|
|
|
|
As I looked up into the clear blue sky, the diving board loomed over my
|
|
head. At least 2 towers over my head like Rapunzel and the Olympics,
|
|
strength in hair or was that Samson. Does this mean that reggae men make
|
|
better lovers?
|
|
|
|
Saved, that I was. Now what is the truth between instincts and thoughts?
|
|
|
|
I'd rate it a 9.2 dive, wait, that's gymnastics measurement..rather poor
|
|
assessment, then again I have nothing.
|
|
|
|
But isn't that how I started?
|
|
|
|
(the end)
|
|
|
|
It's a bit tricky, it's got several twists, all supernatural, we're
|
|
dealing with master Otis, you know...symbols and signs are planted all
|
|
over. In the ground, of course, what do you mean you couldn't find them.
|
|
I saw them...of course I looked. No I'm saying that you
|
|
didn't...(whack)...
|
|
|
|
Pictures, of course I took pictures. Candid shots in fact.
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
AND SO IT BEGINS
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: Tue, 11 Jun 91 20:37:08 CDT
|
|
From: Reverend John <UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
|
|
Subject: The Rev Is True In '92
|
|
|
|
here's how it started.
|
|
|
|
|
|
The Making Of The Revident, 1992
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
file begun 8:34 p.m., Tuesday, June 11, 1991
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
From: VAX001::WINS%"<UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>" 11-JUN-1991 12:28:27.15
|
|
To: STEVENSJ
|
|
Subj: yiff yaff
|
|
|
|
So there I was on the expressway barreling along at 15 miles an hour on my
|
|
bike and up ahead I could smell a plastic horse belching sod and worse,
|
|
transporting overland a sinister u-haul containing devices of torture that
|
|
promised strange revelations in the days and weeks to come.
|
|
|
|
The horse's name was October Surprise, and it had a sleek, ad-agency look
|
|
to it, GOP tattooed on its flanks with Charmin. I pedaled up alongside and
|
|
hurled a tampon at it, tagging it right between the eyes, causing it to
|
|
spit nails and varnish and withdraw from the race.
|
|
|
|
hail OTIS,
|
|
|
|
da Rev
|
|
|
|
Pope Jeoffre responds:
|
|
|
|
Yak Yaff:
|
|
|
|
Actually Yak's seldom yaff. Preferring to appear "above it all" they sit
|
|
quietly in their traditional circles of four, with straight faces, firm
|
|
feces, and composed (well, seemingly composed) demeanors. But they are
|
|
yaffing inside. Trust us.
|
|
|
|
In fact, the inner life of the Yak is quite remarkable, telling even. But
|
|
I suppose that would be telling and it's really not why I called. So I'll
|
|
save those bluer stories for a rainy day, don my pointy cone shaped
|
|
"know-it all" cap and inform you (as straight faced, and firm feced, as
|
|
any yak) that having dismantled the GOP horse for the next election your
|
|
next mission, should you choose to accept it (and frankly I would or this
|
|
note might not wait the customary five seconds before destructing) will be
|
|
to enter the race your self, bicycle and all and tampons firmly in hand,
|
|
as the first ever OTISian candidate for political office.
|
|
|
|
You are forbidden from having a platform. You are one step better than
|
|
the know nothing candidate, for you know the great OTISian political truth:
|
|
people will always vote for the candidate stupider than they are in order
|
|
to make themselves feel good. And the lesser truth: Politics is bunk.
|
|
|
|
Good luck. Good will. May OTIS be with you, and if you need help with
|
|
the campaign posters, you know you'll never find us.
|
|
|
|
Good luck again and may OTIS BLESS!
|
|
|
|
PJI
|
|
|
|
For more info:
|
|
|
|
PJI
|
|
POB 235
|
|
Williamstown, MA 01267-0235
|
|
Attn: You son of a bitch! I sent you money three YEARS ago and never got a
|
|
response!
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
TALES FROM OUR LADY OF THE BLOODY PINKING SHEARS
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: Wed, 12 Jun 1991 10:47 EDT
|
|
From: UN025537@WVNVAXA.WVNET.EDU
|
|
Subject: Re: Gag me with a maggot
|
|
|
|
|
|
hi hi...
|
|
i just have to tell you, they are now subjecting me to unspeakably
|
|
horrible torture. they dragged me back to pittsburgh and gave me an
|
|
EEG and MRI... the first involves having little electrodes glued all over
|
|
your face and in your hair. they then measure your brain waves to see
|
|
what's going on while a lady barks instructions from another room to open
|
|
your eyes, close your eyes, look over here, close your mouth, relax...
|
|
she then shines a strobe light into your eyes (they have to remain closed)
|
|
and keeps speeding it up. they then did an MRI... this involves putting
|
|
you in a large magnet which is stronger than the magnetic poles of the
|
|
earth, forcing the electrons in your brain into line, then forcing them out,
|
|
then snapping them back into line again. this magnet fits your body just
|
|
in it... it's roof was about 1 inch from my nose, and the sides were touching
|
|
me. they take photographs of your brain and all... if that isn't enough, after
|
|
a while they came in and injected me with 'x-ray fluid' so that they could
|
|
see my brain in more contrast... they said it turned my brain into a glowing,
|
|
neon mass for around 24 hrs. after they tests were over, they didn't say
|
|
anything, only that i could call my doctor in a couple of days. they
|
|
were looking fr
|
|
oops... for some sort of imbalance, or tumor, that would cause me to act
|
|
so abnormal at times... i told them that i wasn't acting abnormal for me...
|
|
but they wouldn't listen.
|
|
very mysteriously, there were no OTIS elevators in the building, nor drinking
|
|
fountains... nothing OTIS at all... i tend to think there is a plot involved.
|
|
ta!
|
|
Our Lady St. Tif of the Bloody Pinking Shears,
|
|
Living Martyr and Guardian of OTISian vengeance
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: 13 Jun 91 11:09:00 EDT
|
|
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
|
Subject: NOTW
|
|
|
|
From the chapter "Medical Milestones":
|
|
|
|
Doctors worked more than 7 hours to close farm worker Chris Haines' mouth
|
|
in Little Thurlow, England, after he had yawned too widely & couldn't get
|
|
it closed. Haines could only make gurgling noises during the procedure &
|
|
thus could not communicate with doctors.
|
|
|
|
Forthman Murff, 74, managed to survive an accident in which his head was
|
|
nearly severed, dangling by his carotid arteries & the cervical spine, in
|
|
Tupelo, MS. He had fallen on a chain saw but managed to throw off the
|
|
saw, get up, drive to a hospital (despite a broken leg), & be treated
|
|
within an hour of the accident. His windpipe & esophagus were cut clean
|
|
through.
|
|
|
|
From "The World As I See It":
|
|
|
|
Phil Phillips, author of "Turmoil of the Toybox," believes that Satan is
|
|
trying to gain control of children's minds through their toys. Phillips
|
|
says that Yoda from "Star Wars" encourages what he sees as the "occult"
|
|
beliefs of Zen Buddhism , Taoism, Islam, & Judaism. He also thinks that
|
|
the unicorns of "My Little Pony" are symbolic of the Antichrist & that
|
|
Care-Bears promote Eastern religious concepts, & he notes that Papa Smurf
|
|
uses spells & incantations. To Phillips, Masters of the Universe & He-Man
|
|
usurp God's role as the universe's actual master.
|
|
|
|
St. Louis police arrested a 38-yr-old man for allegedly hitting Sharon
|
|
Copeland, 35, with a hammer while she was sunbathing in her back yard.
|
|
According to police, the man told her, "I don't like sunbathers." He told
|
|
police, "The metric system angers me."
|
|
|
|
In revenge for England's closing of the Libyan embassy in London, Col.
|
|
Muammar el-Qaddafi ordered that England be deleted from all Libyan maps in
|
|
the mid- 1980s. In its place was put a new arm of the North Sea, bordered
|
|
by Scotland & Wales.
|
|
|
|
Jurgen Hergert, 44, known as the "King of Snakes," broke his old record
|
|
when he sat in a glass cage of snakes for 100 days. Inside the cage were
|
|
24rattlesnakes, vipers, puff adders, & cobras. During his stay, one Indian
|
|
cobra killed 3 other snakes. While in the cage, he lost 9 lbs. and
|
|
averaged only 2 or 3 hours of sleep per night, & his girlfriend called off
|
|
their engagement.
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
ELVIS IN THE NEWS
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
[Once again, the mysterious figure of Elvis make the head lines. As time
|
|
goes by more and more people seem to stumble across the truth.]
|
|
|
|
Date: Fri, 14 Jun 91 00:27:46 -0400
|
|
From: "Sam Hill Cabal, DS" <bwdavies@rodan.acs.syr.edu>
|
|
Subject: Elvis Article
|
|
To: barker@ACC.FAU.EDU
|
|
|
|
|
|
(This appeared in the Thursday, June 13, 1991, issue of the Syracuse
|
|
_Herald-Journal_, on page A-1, next to an article titled "They're just
|
|
planets, not UFO's", on Venus, Jupiter, and Mars clustering together in
|
|
the sky.)
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
COME ON, DON'T BE CRUEL! IS ELVIS A FEDERAL WITNESS?
|
|
-Arizona Republic
|
|
|
|
KINGMAN, ARIZ.
|
|
|
|
For at least a day, Elvis Presley came alive Wednesday as a handful of
|
|
"experts" presented evidence, some for the first time in public, that the
|
|
hip-swinging star did not die and may have signed his own death
|
|
certificate.
|
|
|
|
The most intriguing theory: Elvis Presley's death was faked Aug. 16, 1977,
|
|
and he has since been shielded under the Federal Witness Protection
|
|
Program.
|
|
|
|
The new evidence on what the "experts" called "The Death" was offered to
|
|
about 10 die-hard Elvis fans who travelled to Mohave Community College
|
|
from as far away as Georgia to hear about the evidence first- hand during
|
|
a four-day, two-credit summer course, touted as the first such meeting of
|
|
"Elvis experts."
|
|
|
|
Many of Elvis' fans believe he is still alive. One expert remarked that
|
|
sightings of "The King" has become "a national pastime," even to the point
|
|
of his being seen in a pizza crust.
|
|
|
|
"Exhume the body," said Robin Rosaaen, who lives in San Jose, Calif., and
|
|
is in charge of public relations for the Elvis Special Photo Association
|
|
fan club.
|
|
|
|
"Do another post-mortem and try to put a stop to the speculation," she
|
|
said.
|
|
|
|
But Elvis is still alive, whether he's walking the earth or not, Rosaaen
|
|
said.
|
|
|
|
"In the spiritual sense, he is around and continues to grow."
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
MORE CURSE OF THE CHILD ACTORS
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: 14 Jun 91 09:49:00 EDT
|
|
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
|
Subject: gee I'm having fun interrupting your work and your attempts to clean
|
|
out your mail file...
|
|
|
|
For Purps, if you deem it worthy:
|
|
|
|
The plague of former child stars gone bad is spreading! Todd Bridges and
|
|
Dana whats-her-name from Different Strokes... Danny from the Partridge
|
|
Family had some trouble a while back... and from today's Columbus
|
|
Dispatch:
|
|
|
|
"Actor Adam Rich, 22, pleaded innocent this week to charges of breaking
|
|
into a pharmacy. He could receive 6 years in prison if convicted. He is
|
|
free on $5000 bail posted by Dick Van Patten, a co-star of Rich's on the
|
|
`Eight Is Enough' tv series. Rich is undergoing drug abuse treatment at
|
|
an undisclosed location, spokesman Jeff Ballard said."
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
MAL SPEAKS ON REV JOHN'S UP COMING RUNNING FOR OFFICE
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
|
|
[He's the a bunch of my statements regarding the Upcoming presidential
|
|
campaign. This also contains various bits of Humpy the Stumpy Bear's
|
|
Revelations.]
|
|
|
|
Hmm the Pope assigned you to run for president. Well it's a dirty job and
|
|
someone's got to do it. Have Stewy be your Vice President. I'll be the
|
|
first lady. I think I can handle sleding and destroying myself (similar to
|
|
skate boarding.)
|
|
|
|
Any you want me to be manager. Well we better start right now. We need to
|
|
get some good catch phrases to start the show going.
|
|
|
|
"Asparagus in Every Pot!"
|
|
|
|
"The only good Christian in a Dead Christian"
|
|
|
|
"A vote for the Rev is a Vote for Otis!"
|
|
|
|
"Just when you thought it was safe to vote!"
|
|
|
|
I suppose we'd have to run under the Otisian Party with backing from
|
|
various invisible yet powerful sources. Old George Bush will be surfing
|
|
with the big boys. I may have to forgo one of my vows and get out the old
|
|
death spells and voodou dolls again. Kill off the enemy with magick.
|
|
|
|
Hmm let's see. We need to create the proper image. Hmmm maybe you need a
|
|
get up similar to Ball's from his Dada sound poem readings. You'll need a
|
|
big huge metallic pointy hat and a metallic cape.
|
|
|
|
We'll also have to soup up Stewy. Or maybe she'll do just fine if she just
|
|
wears chucks and nothing else. She can draw in the crowds. Still we'll have
|
|
to be careful her butt doesn't go falling off.
|
|
|
|
I'm the first lady so I'm allowed to be rather goofy. I'll have to start
|
|
taking dangerous chemicals so I can go berserk on live t.v. Maybe I'll
|
|
get my hair bleached white/grey so I'll look the part of the old matronly
|
|
type. Hmm have to get some sort of pet. A large gator say..I'm here in
|
|
Florida after all. Or maybe a manatee. Or maybe I should get like a
|
|
Survival Research Laboratory mechanical pet. A huge steam powered flame
|
|
thrower wrecking ball. I can go meet other first ladies and show off my
|
|
pet to them.
|
|
|
|
Hmm then we'll need to paint the White House bright Orange so it can
|
|
easily be seen for orbit and turn the front lawn into a KOA camp ground.
|
|
|
|
We'll boldly wander around without any body guards. We'll claim divine
|
|
protection. We'll have to drag the Pope into this somehow. Must be some
|
|
place for him. He's unemployed now so he'll need a job. Make him minister
|
|
of Defense or Secretary of State.
|
|
|
|
Then we'll need to get some senators on our side. This will involve drugs
|
|
hypnotism, and conversion. We'll need a few thousand Otisian storm trooper
|
|
brain washers to win them over to our side.
|
|
|
|
Of course we can get Shark to write our propaganda for us.
|
|
|
|
Hmmm anyways we'll have to start with some T.V. commercials. Make sure
|
|
Stumpy Bear is prominently displayed along with Chucks. We can start a
|
|
fashion craze and win the younger generation vote.
|
|
|
|
Then we'll need to get on the news and stuff and say very heavy things. I
|
|
have some programs that can do this sort of thing. Just get up there and
|
|
scare them so bad their butts will fall off. Alien blood sucking freaks
|
|
from dimension X well be here soon! Have you people heard of the Subgenii?
|
|
Or the Xists! Act now. Point those damn nuke war heads at Pluto where
|
|
they'll do some good.... that lot.
|
|
|
|
Hmm I'll have to go around doing no doubt dopey things. I'll need some huge
|
|
flowery dresses to wear and plenty of hats with feathers and birds on
|
|
them. I'll probably have to go to schools and meet children which I'll
|
|
have to do under heavy sedation since I can't stand them. Or I could
|
|
just go berserk. "Lovable First Lady to Be goes berserk and chain saws 20
|
|
children" "...later quoted as saying... "thanks to strong gun control
|
|
measures I had to use a chain saw instead of a gun. Still it was more
|
|
satisfying."
|
|
|
|
Hmm then they'll put Stewy on the spot light a lot to see if they can drag
|
|
her down. Make sure she's sitting down when this happens so her butt won't
|
|
fall off. She'll have to be the clean cut saintly one of us because she
|
|
hasn't appeared in purps. [well now she has.]
|
|
|
|
We'll need to prepare some speeches for her. We'll also have to down play
|
|
the millions of Chucks bit or risk getting her compared to Immilia
|
|
Marcos.
|
|
|
|
We'll also need to come up with plenty of dirt and embarrassing things to
|
|
say about our opponents. This should be easy since I'm sure we can make up
|
|
plenty of no doubt believable bold face lies. Maybe some photos too, like
|
|
Barbara Bush visiting Nightmare Alley or George Bush and a room full of
|
|
cheer leaders (with bars across their eyes of course.)
|
|
|
|
Then, in order to combat their dirt on us, we'll need to fabricate
|
|
tremendous amounts of totally silly material about us. We'll flood the
|
|
press with asinine stories about us. All clearly fake. When the real ones
|
|
come out no one will believe us.
|
|
|
|
Hmm well need to get Stewy a sort of second lady. I mean this is america
|
|
after all. I don't know who could fill the bill. Someone me, the first
|
|
lady could get along with and maybe have a scandal with just to make
|
|
things interesting.
|
|
|
|
Hmm now for voters. Well the Chucks craze will sweep the younger members.
|
|
IT's easy to deal with the Xian vote. We'll get rapture to happen before
|
|
voting time and we'll be rid of them. Minorities may be a problem, we'll
|
|
have to work on that.
|
|
|
|
We'll also need a large bright green winnabago to travel the country to
|
|
campaign. It has to be something really big so we can cover it with bumper
|
|
stickers. It also should be slow so we can drive on narrow roads and block
|
|
traffic for miles. We'll hire some down and out colleges students to ride
|
|
behind us on bicycles and hand out leaflets to all the slow traffic.
|
|
|
|
Since you're going to Gencon you can announce your campaign. Just climb up
|
|
on the platform when old Egghead is speaking and steal the show. Wave a
|
|
TUO around and say you've got Lord Cthulhu on your side.
|
|
|
|
As for you, we'll play up the Reverend Image. A noble crusader who wants
|
|
to bring america onto the wide play ground of Otis (as opposed to the
|
|
narrow road of Christianity.). We'll have to dress you like some sort of
|
|
priest in a black suit. We want power colors here. No whimpy powder blue.
|
|
You'll have to bear the brunt of the attack from the enemy, but Stewy and
|
|
I will stand SHoulder to shoulder with you. If all else fails I can always
|
|
go berserk which should be a real crowd pleaser. Chain saw and flower
|
|
print dress chopping up t.v. cameras and reporters.
|
|
|
|
We'll have to come up with a set of positions you stand on. Each week we'll
|
|
need to change them drastically. This will encourage the reporters to pay
|
|
lots of attention to us. One key phrase you'll need to use a lot when they
|
|
call you on some hair brained position you just decided to change is:
|
|
"well what I really meant..."
|
|
|
|
Of course we'll use some electronic counter measures at the appropriate
|
|
moment so they'll get blasts of static on their equipment. You speeches
|
|
will come out all garbled and the reporters will have to make up some sort
|
|
of good sounding substitute.
|
|
|
|
It almost might be a wise idea to look into the gimick of now being able to
|
|
be photographed. I.E. they take your pix but there's nothing there. We can
|
|
play up the vampire horror business that's popular now.
|
|
|
|
We can get you shaking hands with Clive Barker say.
|
|
|
|
Well that will do for a start.
|
|
|
|
******
|
|
|
|
Our colors should be something memorable like Bubble Gum and Asparagus.
|
|
|
|
Our first political statements will be:
|
|
|
|
The Drinking age should be raised to 65 so that senior citizens will have
|
|
something to look forward to.
|
|
|
|
"Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition" should be sung in schools along
|
|
with the nation anthem.
|
|
|
|
Mandatory Drug Testing for all Drug Dealers.
|
|
|
|
Money should be set aside to investigate Crop Circles and the New Jersey
|
|
Devil.
|
|
|
|
Denny's should give free dinners to visiting heads of state.
|
|
|
|
All dryers must play "How Dry I am" while they dry clothes.
|
|
|
|
The Official Dance of the white house will be "The Hoochie Choochie"
|
|
|
|
Censoring Bugs Bunny Cartoons will be made illegal.
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
I was showing Humpy the Stumpy Bear _Roadside America_ yesterday and
|
|
something caught her fancy in the religious nut section.
|
|
|
|
She'd like a little bathtub shrine to receive her devoted follower in.
|
|
The mystical shape of the tub, along with some clever applications of
|
|
glitter, tin foil, stick on holograms, and paint will focus the
|
|
worshippers attention on her if she is place in the center of the Mandala.
|
|
|
|
She has come to realize that due to her stature she may not always cut the
|
|
most awesomely holy figure. Therefore she needs to surround herself with
|
|
objects that will draw attention to her.
|
|
|
|
This bathtub shrine (tub stood up on end) should contain wheels for easy
|
|
moving around. You can take it to the terminal room when on duty and set it
|
|
up in a proper place so those entering will be able to see her and become
|
|
in awe.
|
|
|
|
A collection box will also be necessary. Something for her and a
|
|
large container to help Commodore Presely. (She will be getting a
|
|
commission of anything the Commodore Receives). She is most alarmed by the
|
|
lack of support on peoples part to help stop the forces of the Antichrist.
|
|
|
|
She also suggests that you monkey with the header page that comes out of
|
|
the printers so important religious material can be printed on it. She
|
|
also agrees that you can put your political statements on it as well, as
|
|
long as they are tastefully done.
|
|
|
|
**********
|
|
|
|
Boy Humpy continues to make herself valuable. If placed near a computer all
|
|
work done on that computer immediately speeds up by 100%.
|
|
|
|
When placed near a smoking person (you can try this with Stewy, but she'll
|
|
have to chain smoke to give this a really good test.) Stumpy Bear will
|
|
case all cigarette smoke to disappear as if it did not exist. I assume
|
|
this minor miracle is because Stumpy does not want her Unborn Child to be
|
|
effected by such things.
|
|
|
|
If place near Mal weird things begin to come out of him mind like off
|
|
kilter political statements.
|
|
|
|
If place near Sam Hill, Stumpy behaves like an aphrodisiac( or how ever
|
|
you spell it.)
|
|
|
|
If Stumpy if Placed next to a very large fat person she will seem even
|
|
small. Another miracle.
|
|
|
|
If placed next to an ant or a match head, suddenly Stumpy seems awful big
|
|
in comparison.
|
|
|
|
Also it was witness on a day of a very bad thunderstorm lightning hit all
|
|
the building around this build. Stumpy repels lightning. Plastic was
|
|
always a poor conductor.
|
|
|
|
This poor conductor business could also explain why Stumpy's Kazoo like
|
|
powers are lacking. [hey kids it's like a pun get it?????]
|
|
|
|
However, it could be this kazoo business, could be similar to the Sword in
|
|
the Stone deal, where only the proper chosen one can blow through Stumpy
|
|
and produce divine noise. Or make it's an ultrasonic like a god Whistle.
|
|
Question is what does it call?
|
|
|
|
********
|
|
|
|
Important events to attend:
|
|
|
|
"Drag Races" (Be sure to always shake the hand of the winner. Smile a lot,
|
|
look like you enjoy yourselves.)
|
|
|
|
"Halloween Parties" (Wear outrageous cultural icon costumes. Speedy the
|
|
Alka-seltzer kid, James Brown, John Travolta, Luke SkyWalker, Jerry
|
|
Falwell, The Tidy Bowl man, the fruit of the loom guys, Sandy Dunken, Soap
|
|
Opera Stars, Star Trek Crew (both old and new), Game Show hosts, famous
|
|
politicians, New Kids on the Block, Teen age Mutant Ninja Turtles,
|
|
Transformers. You need a costume that will draw attention to yourself
|
|
while a the same time upping some popular cultural thing so people will
|
|
think your like or endorse it. Perhaps a theme could be created for
|
|
everyone attending. The Star Trek crew would work great. People can
|
|
identify the Otisians with strong heroic figures. Or dress as mount
|
|
Rushmore. You get the idea.)
|
|
|
|
"Beauty Contest" (Be sure to steal the show from the MC. Ask important
|
|
Otisian questions of the contestants. In fact enter it.)
|
|
|
|
"Barbecues" (A good way to meet the blue collar voter and have a good meal
|
|
besides. Wear something washable. Barbecue sauce can get messy.)
|
|
|
|
"Swap Meets"(Wander around and buy stuff for the Otisian Party. Keep the
|
|
enemy wonders when you bring home floor lamps, old baseball hats, stamp
|
|
collections, and badly patched innertubes.)
|
|
|
|
"Masonic Initiation Ceremony" (Really play this one up. If they complain
|
|
just go "Hey like George is like a Skull and Cross Bones so why can't I be
|
|
a Mason?")
|
|
|
|
"Space Shuttle Flights" (Be sure to bring a camera for action shots and a
|
|
big net to catch anything that might fall off. The space program will have
|
|
to become an import arm of the government seeing as it's really neat and
|
|
you need to be the first party in Orbit.)
|
|
|
|
"Wrestling Matches" (Show the public you're just like the average joe.
|
|
Scream and yell a lot. Bet heavily on the outcome. Shake hands with all
|
|
your favorites. Be sure they are everyone else's favorites. Offer to go a
|
|
round with one or two of them just to show the crowd what your made of.)
|
|
|
|
"Funerals" (The Presidents job is to wipe citizens noses once and a
|
|
while. So here's a good place to get practice. Be sure to feel sorry and
|
|
console them poor survivors. Always slip in the idea that "If they'd only
|
|
voted for President Rev, their Dear departed relative would be with us
|
|
today".)
|
|
|
|
"Tobacco Auctions" (A good place to wear bib overalls)
|
|
|
|
Shows to appear on:
|
|
|
|
"The Paul Harvey Show" (Great show for good americans. If you can get Paul
|
|
Harvey to endorse the Otisians about 50% of america will vote for you.)
|
|
|
|
"Larry King" (Appear on UFO night and astound the T.V. views with amazing
|
|
facts.)
|
|
|
|
"Saturday Night Live" (be sure to refuse to be on it at the very last
|
|
minute for some obtuse political reason.)
|
|
|
|
"Days of our Lives" (one of the few ways to reach the home bound voters is
|
|
to appear on their Favorite Soap Opera.)
|
|
|
|
"David Letterman" (just send a video tape of you. Everyone appears on David
|
|
Letterman so there is little appeal to you being there in person.)
|
|
|
|
"20/20" (A good chance to expose corruption or create all those outrageous
|
|
rumors for yourself or the enemy.)
|
|
|
|
"America Funniest Home Videos" (create a funny video teaching important
|
|
Otisian Lessons)
|
|
|
|
"Nova" (A paranormal Investigation of Humpy the Stumpy Bear)
|
|
|
|
More political Platforms:
|
|
|
|
Make Yaks the national Animal.
|
|
|
|
Install Otis elevators in the white house.
|
|
|
|
Make Doc Savages Birth Day an official Holiday.
|
|
|
|
Adopt goofy foreign customs for the white house. Not wearing shoes indoors,
|
|
siesta time, folk dancing on the front lawn, animal sacrifices, and arcane
|
|
greetings with many flourishes and hand gestures.
|
|
|
|
Install a water slide in the capital dome. It's just a big empty space
|
|
anyways. Politicians can use it to cool off.
|
|
|
|
Mandatory drug testing for all senators.
|
|
|
|
McDonalds Gift Certificates instead of Food Stamps.
|
|
|
|
Okay enough silly lists for now.
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
Blessed are the wet for they shall be made dry.
|
|
|
|
Blessed are the people of small statue for they shall be given platform
|
|
shoes to stand on.
|
|
|
|
Blessed are the confused, for they have less to worry about.
|
|
|
|
Blessed are the followers of Stumpy for they shall be entertained.
|
|
|
|
Blessed are the ignorant for they shall see the light of Humpy the Stumpy
|
|
Bear.
|
|
|
|
Blessed are the barefoot for they shall receive Chucks.
|
|
|
|
Blessed are the buttless for theirs shall never fall off.
|
|
|
|
Blessed are the lazy for they shall be given welfare.
|
|
|
|
Blessed are the gullible for they are easily fooled.
|
|
|
|
Blessed are the fools for they shall be hosed in the coming of times.
|
|
|
|
Blessed are the Popes for they shall receive pointy hats.
|
|
|
|
Blessed are the road hogs for they shall inherit a bullet between their
|
|
eyes.
|
|
|
|
Blessed are the meek for their lives will be ordered around by others.
|
|
|
|
Blessed are the shoeless for they are blessed with not having the task to
|
|
tie them.
|
|
|
|
Blessed are the cute for their faces will end up on cuddly toys.
|
|
|
|
Blessed are the speechless for they shall be given the gift of tongues.
|
|
|
|
Blessed are the gasoline drinkers for they shall inherit the earth.
|
|
|
|
Blessed are the lonely for they shall receive junk mail.
|
|
|
|
Blessed are the childless for their life shall be one of fewer expenses.
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
In order to further our campaign it appears to be necessary to start a
|
|
merchandising campaign. We need to create a craze similar to the Teen Age
|
|
Mutant Ninja turtles. Movies, action figures, comics, and guest appearances
|
|
in malls.
|
|
|
|
Humpy the Stumpy Bear in her infinite wisdom has suggested we create a life
|
|
size costume of Stumpy so that the children will have something to focus
|
|
on. Note the success of Smokey the Bear [an old smokey the bear costume with
|
|
various alterations might indeed server as a Stumpy costume.] or the
|
|
san diego chicken. Or Even Big Bird.
|
|
|
|
This life size Stumpy Icon can tour the country spreading joy. We can send
|
|
some of our clown attired Secret Service Men out to pass out candy.
|
|
|
|
Also to get Stumpy in really good she'll need a appearance on Sesame Street
|
|
where she can has a philosophical debate with Kermit the Frog. "It's not
|
|
Easy Being Green vs. It's not Easy Being" [We'll get Stewy to write some
|
|
stuff for this debate since she seems to be the Philosophy expert at this
|
|
time.]
|
|
|
|
Now that we have action figures [ranging in size from the g.i. joe kind, to
|
|
the barbie doll size, to the jumbo big as the kid stuffed cuddly kind.]
|
|
we'll have to invent some villains for them to fight. Probably the easiest
|
|
solution to this would be to use those old bad Otisian Gods no one ever
|
|
talks about.
|
|
|
|
Perhaps the problem with the Otisian faith, is people are not scared enough
|
|
by the bad old gods. We need to bring them to the forefront.
|
|
|
|
Since the trend lately with cartoons is to have moral lessons, we'll have
|
|
to put some in our Stumpy the Humpy Bear Otisian Action Cartoons. We'll get
|
|
Pope Jephe to do the voice over for the moral lessons since after all he's
|
|
a respected Holy Figure and should know about morals.
|
|
|
|
Moral Lessons:
|
|
|
|
"If we'd only voted for Rev John they planet wouldn't have gotten blown
|
|
up."
|
|
|
|
"Those silly Christians spend all our tithe money on must old building
|
|
while the Otisians Passed out Candy and Toys to all the good little boys
|
|
and girls."
|
|
|
|
"I'm bullet proof if I believe in Otis"
|
|
|
|
"Humpy the Stumpy Bear is always right"
|
|
|
|
"Everything Forbidden is Optional"
|
|
|
|
"It's always fun until someone pukes"
|
|
|
|
"My parents will love me more if I demand a complete line of President Rev
|
|
action toys."
|
|
|
|
Now as far as for Mall appearances, we'll need some sort of stage set up
|
|
and the jumbo Stumpy Costume for the kiddies. For the adults we'll have
|
|
like strippers and freak show. We'll turn it into an old time medicine
|
|
show and carnival, where the real Stumpy will be displayed and heal the
|
|
sick. We'll need to start recruiting hopeless terminal cases now to cure.
|
|
The more gruesome the better.
|
|
|
|
It also might be nice to have some rides. Like and Official Otisian
|
|
Elevator Ride that both causes pleasure from use along with enlightenment.
|
|
|
|
Also with this Mall appearance we can start out national Debt Drive
|
|
campaign where we try to remove the national debt by getting rid of all
|
|
the money wasters in power.
|
|
|
|
My sources also tell me it might be nice to have a collection bin for the
|
|
Commodore Elvis too.
|
|
|
|
If these plans are carried out successfully we'll need to be ready to deal
|
|
with any opposition. No doubt there will be plenty because those
|
|
participating will no doubt be having too much fun for their own good, in
|
|
the eyes of the enemy. We'll need to put the Sportz Coat Clad Storm
|
|
Troopers on hand, to gently, but firmly deal with any opposition.
|
|
|
|
Another thing that comes to mind about fighting the opposition is our need
|
|
to start, or continue to start the misinformation campaign, so that our
|
|
opponents will be so swamped with goofy bad stuff about us, the public
|
|
won't believe any real dirt the get on us. Perhap a slide show at the mall
|
|
or a glossy brochure of use doing 'bad stuff' would be nice to have.
|
|
|
|
Now is a good time to also look for various endorsements. One group we
|
|
should try to get endorsement from is the cast of "The Magnificent Seven".
|
|
|
|
Well that ought to keep you folks busy with you thinking caps for the
|
|
moment.
|
|
|
|
"Wild in the Streets"
|
|
|
|
--Mal
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
AND STILL MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: 17 Jun 91 10:50:00 EDT
|
|
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
|
Subject: NOTW
|
|
|
|
|
|
From the chapter "Thanks for Nothing":
|
|
|
|
The town of Grantham, NH, which had 2 streets named Stoney Brook, changed Stoney
|
|
Brook Drive to Old Springs Drive & Stoney Brook Lane to Old Springs Lane.
|
|
|
|
A 22-yr-old female cab driver in San Francisco who was raped at gunpoint in her
|
|
cab was fired for not screening her customers carefully enough. "I can't afford
|
|
to take any chances," her boss, Guey Wong, told her in front of a reporter. "I'm
|
|
lucky the cab wasn't hurt. You might endanger my insurance, you might increase
|
|
my rates."
|
|
|
|
In Laurel Park, NC, a 25-yr-old man was charged with the ax murder of his mother
|
|
a month after she posted $10,000 to bail him out of jail on a charge of killing
|
|
his stepfather.
|
|
|
|
Randy Myer, city public information director of Lexington, KY, paid $400 for a
|
|
set of steel-belted tires designed to be bulletproof, bombproof, & spikeproof,
|
|
then he had a flat after running over a ballpoint pen. "It still wrote," Myer
|
|
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|
|
Steph
|
|
kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu "In every jumbled pile of person there's
|
|
kleinsr@marcus.kenyon.edu a thinking part that wonders what the part
|
|
that isn't thinking isn't thinking of."
|
|
Stephanie Klein --They Might Be Giants
|
|
123 S. Madison
|
|
LaGrange, IL 60525
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
CAMPAIGN CLIPPINGS
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: Mon, 17 Jun 91 15:52:23 CDT
|
|
From: Reverend John <UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
|
|
Subject: one more time h
|
|
|
|
|
|
June 10, 1991
|
|
POPE OF OHIO CULT CONVENES CONVENTION
|
|
|
|
Kenyon, Ohio (AP) Pope Geoffre, or Jeffrey, or however he chooses to spell
|
|
his name this week, of the OTIS cult group announced the beginning of a
|
|
new phase of the human race's destiny today. Before a group of addled
|
|
followers he announced that in the next few days he would make a startling
|
|
announcement that will change the world. "In the next few days, I will
|
|
make a startling announcement that will change the world," Pope Geffray
|
|
said. The remark came at the beginning of a weekend summit and revival,
|
|
which attracted almost a handful of followers. Others were scheduled to
|
|
meet with the Ohio-based Cult of OTIS via electronic mail.
|
|
|
|
June 12, 1991
|
|
NEW PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE ANNOUNCED
|
|
|
|
member of obscure Ohio-based religious group Columbia, Missouri (AP) The
|
|
Reverend John Tynes, a 20-year-old Journalism student at the University of
|
|
Missouri-Columbia yesterday announced his candidacy for the Presidential
|
|
race of 1992. The Reverend John, a member of several religious groups
|
|
including the Universal Life Church of Modesto, California and the Church
|
|
of the SubGenius of Dallas, Texas, pledged to run on the OTISian ticket,
|
|
sponsored by the OTIS religious group of Kenyon, Ohio. Pope Joferey, one
|
|
of the OTISians' leaders, commanded the Reverend John in an emotional
|
|
message given to OTISian followers this weekend at the group's Ohio
|
|
compound. "Your mission.. will be to enter the {1992 Presidential} race
|
|
yourself, bicycle and all and tampons firmly in hand, as the first ever
|
|
OTISian candidate for political office," said the Pope. While some of the
|
|
message's text was unclear in meaning - specifically the references to a
|
|
bicycle and tampons, said to refer to a religious vision - the outcome was
|
|
not so. The Reverend John immediately announced his candidacy. Riding in
|
|
a crop duster swooping through downtown Columbia, Missouri, Rev. Tynes was
|
|
joined by the OTISian vice-presidential candidate, Kimberlee K. Stewart,
|
|
another Journalism student at the University. The two showered onlookers
|
|
with bags of rice purchased from a bankrupt local chuch and
|
|
Vice-Presidential candidate 'Stewy' Stewart threw boxes of athletic shoes
|
|
from the craft. Other members of the party were yet to be announced.
|
|
After making the unusual commencement remarks, which were rendered largely
|
|
unintelligible by faulty equipment, the two traveled to the Democratic
|
|
Party leadership retreat in upstate New York, supposedly to attempt a
|
|
last-minute effort at reconciling the Democrats with the OTISians. The
|
|
OTISian group is little known outside its members, but is said to be a
|
|
loosely-affiliated organization whose goals and beliefs may take some time
|
|
to sort out.
|
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June 17, 1991
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DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL SUMMIT DISRUPTED
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yachting senators harassed by strange craft Hyannisport, NY (AP) At a
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weekend summit to plan strategy for the 1992 Presidential campaign,
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democratic party leaders were interrupted by the arrival of candidates
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from another party altogether. Rev. John and Stewy Stewart arrived on the
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backs of six large white people chosen at random by raffle from a nearby
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shopping mall. Forcibly entering the summit conference room, the two were
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quickly hauled out and jailed for disturbing the peace and reckless
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endangerment, as the six white people were suffering from heat exhaustion
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and consumer deprivation. At the summit, the pair shouted slogans over
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poor equipment. Reports at the scene differed, but the slogans may have
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contained ones such as 'Spag cheese stump butt', 'Hucks ool free hirth',
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and probably 'No new taxes.' In a possibly related incident, Democrat
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party senators out on a fishing trip met with a strange encounter when
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their boats were rocked from below by an unknown force. 'It felt like an
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invisible submarine was popping up underneath us,' said an outragously
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drunk Ted Kennedy. U.S. Coast Guard officials on the scene declined to
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comment on the incident or even their presence, but rumors spread that
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they were hunting for drug traffickers. A few of the senators even
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claimed to have heard music playing during the strange assault. "As god
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is my witness, I swear I could hear someone singing 'Viva Las Vegas' from
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underwater. It was kind of bubbly and muted. Damnedest thing I ever
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heard," said Sen. Paul Simon, D-Ill., as he molested a page.
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THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
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-SUBINK 1991
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