1122 lines
47 KiB
Plaintext
1122 lines
47 KiB
Plaintext
***** ****** ****
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** ** ** ** ** Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
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** ** ** ** The Summer Version of
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***** ***** ** The Purple Thunderbolt of Spode
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** ** ** **
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** ** ** ** **
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***** ****** ****
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***** ***** ***** *****
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***** ***** ***** *****
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************* ************* ************* *************
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** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** **
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********* ********* ********* *********
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** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
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***** ***** ***** *****
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Yep looks the same but it ain't
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================================================================
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 22
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================================================================
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"South Florida's Very Own REPLIES TO: barker@acc.fau.edu
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Non Alien Run Electronic Magazine"
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* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
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*** P P U U R R P P S
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***** P P U U R R P P S
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******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
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********* P U U R R P S
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*********** P U U R RR P S
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***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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* **** *
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*** *** ***
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**** * *****
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************************************
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****************************************
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************************************
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**** ***** *****
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*** ***** ***
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* ***** *
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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***********
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*********
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*******
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*****
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***
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*
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===========================================================================
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INTRO
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===========================================================================
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Hmm this will be the first intro I've written after I've created most of
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Purps. Usually I just start with an intro then throw stuff after it.
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This time around I get the amazing gift of hindsight I suppose.
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I think this time around things are pretty nifty since we've managed to
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get several people to contribute, including a brand new member with her
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intriguing stories of revelation.
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Also I was quite happy that we have a lot of home made contributions from
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various folks. Usually there are just a lot of copied files from hither
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and yon. This time we have real things to say.
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As the sight of receiving all those contributions I thought they might
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not fit into a single issue of Purps. Well, I've since discovered that
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they indeed do. Maybe it's a Otisian Miracle of Mass Rearrangement. Or
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maybe what was contributed this time around was so important they all
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just had to fit.
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Fitting.. I was also sort of putting off doing a bit more on Messenger of
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The Gods, now however it looks like it just may fit. Though maybe I'll
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hold off for another week and just write some other bits of stuff here
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and there. Our readers no doubt need another thrilling sermon on the
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wonders and thrills of Otis.
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I'm looking for feedback on this stuff. Was the Preach-o-Rama stuff any
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good or should I never include it again. I keep getting more and more of
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it. Some of it is pretty amusing [Or maybe it's just me and I just think
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it is.]
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This time around we have:
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SONG TIME
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THE FOG
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MORE DISNEY REVELATIONS
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A CONTRIBUTION FROM THE POPE
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ITS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE (she's back!)
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EXITING ADVERTISEMENTS
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HELPFUL TIPS
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WHAT OTIS IS TO ME ESSAY
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CLEVELAND
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PRODUCT WARNING LABELS
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NEWS OF THE WEIRD
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STORY TIME
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RANTINGS
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MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
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===========================================================================
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SONG TIME
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===========================================================================
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[One of our long time readers was inspired by his many adventures on the
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IRC to craft this masterpiece of music.]
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Date: Mon, 27 May 91 01:03:11 MDT
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From: eiverson@NMSU.EDU
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Subject: My new song
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CYBERBOY (Look for the upcoming video)
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(Chorus:)
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Cyberboy! Cyberboy!
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on the modem, on the net
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Cyberboy! Cyberboy!
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looking for new warez to get
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typing on my Apple II
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I've got nothing else to do
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I'm Cyberboy
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Last night I met a lady logged on to IRC
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her name was sexy@frodo.unlv
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*typing in background*
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uh "HEY BABY I AM VERY HOT FOR YOU"
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oh look she said "YOU SOUND LIKE A BIG STUD" Wow!
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after that we both went private and did some on-line petting
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it's easy to get women when they can't see what they're getting is
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(Chorus)
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I read all the latest cyberpunk, then read it again
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there's not too many novels, in fact there's only ten
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*typing in background*
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"HEY D00DZ I JUST READ NEUROMANCER, COULD YOU TELL ME WHAT
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ELSE I SHOULD READ?"
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hmmmm.... they wrote back "Get a life Dweeb"
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You see it doesn't take a genius to get to cyberspace
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and once I'm there they'll never know there's acne on the face of
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(Chorus)
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I'm working on a program to fulfill a fantasy
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It's gonna download a pizza using tar and ftp
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"Hey, does anyone know what the ASCII code for pepperoni is?"
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"How bout sausage? Do I use upper case if it's Italian?"
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Yeah I'm a major software hacker, at least that's what they tell me
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but they say it via email cause they sure don't wanna smell me
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(Instrumental Break)
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I hacked into a PBX so I could call mom
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but I must have screwed it up because I wound up in Guam
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Operator's voice: "AT&T?"
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Me: "uh Hi I'm an overseas operator. Could I get the number for the
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Presidents bomb shelter?" Damn! She didn't believe me!
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Well it looks like pretty soon I'll have to drop out of the scene
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or else the FBI will bust me when I turn seventeen.
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(Chorus)
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Eric Iverson Internet: eiverson@nmsu.edu
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Computing Research Lab
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Box 30001/3CRL Life is something to do when
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New Mexico State University you can't get to sleep.
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Las Cruces, NM 88003-0001 -Fran Lebowitz
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VOICE: (505) 646-5711
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FAX: (505) 646-6218 <--Send him Fax he needs more room decorations
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===========================================================================
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THE FOG
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===========================================================================
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[There's been a lot of weird things about Fog Lately. So this seems very
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appropriated. Sad to say the neglected to describe the color of the fog.
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Tornado Green perhaps...Wait unit the dig up bicycles in ancient Sumeria.]
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Date: Thu, 16 May 91 14:39:27 MDT
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From: eiverson@NMSU.EDU
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Subject: lost in the fog
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The following is from a Canadian tabloid of sorts. It is called the
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News. It isn't like American tabloids in that it doesn't print stories
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about Hollywood lust-affairs, I guess it just likes 'different' stories.
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===> BEGIN QUOTING <===
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News May 14, 1991
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BIZARRE ENDING TO TEENS' RIDE FOR CHARITY
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10 BICYCLISTS VANISH IN FOG CLOUD!
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Ten teenage bicyclists on a charity fund-raising ride through the
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countryside pedaled into a 150-foot fog bank - and vanished of the face of
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the earth!
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'They just rode into the thick fog and never rode out,' said bewildered
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witness Roland Saugey.
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'There were no screams, no crashes, no anything. It was like something
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out of the Devil's Triangle.
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'The cops have searched for a month now and they haven't found a trace of
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them - not one single clue.
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The flabbergasted school-teacher was one of eight adult volunteers assigned
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to accompany the teens on their trek through the rolling hills outside
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Marseilles, France.
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'There were about 80 kids on the trip altogether and they'd all signed up
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pledges for AIDS research,' rattled Roland told a reporter.
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'They rode off in groups of 10 and I followed the first bunch in my car,
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just in case anybody ran into trouble. There were five boys and five
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girls, and they were all looking forward to a nice long bike ride in the
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country.'
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But two hours out, the unsuspecting schoolkids rounded a curve, rode into
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a fog bank - and disappeared forever.
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'I saw them go into the fog ahead of me, and I drove in about 15 seconds
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later,' Roland recalled. 'I turned on my lights because it was thick as
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pea soup in there,, and when I came out I expected to see the youngsters
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up ahead of me, pedaling away.
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'But there were 10 or 15 people picking up bottles along the road and they
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told us the kids never came out of the fog.
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'The stuff lifted a little later, but we never found a trace of those kids
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or their bicycles. It was like the earth just opened up and swallowed
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them alive.'
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And the cops are just as bamboozled as anybody else.
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'There's no sign of foul play - there's no sign of anything,' said
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dumbfounded detective Claude Bletner.
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'We have searched every square inch of ground for miles around and there's
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no indication any of those kids has ever been there.
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'If it was one or two teenagers, you'd say maybe they ran away or were
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abducted. But 10 able-bodied teenagers on bicycles, with a man in a car
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right behind them - there's just no way.
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'The other day, somebody said a spaceship swooped down and got them. And
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the scary thing was, nobody laughed.
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===> END OF ARTICLE <===
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Must have been a meteorite.
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Greg (lush@ecn.purdue.edu)
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Eric Iverson Internet: eiverson@nmsu.edu
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Computing Research Lab
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Box 30001/3CRL Life is something to do when
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New Mexico State University you can't get to sleep.
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Las Cruces, NM 88003-0001 -Fran Lebowitz
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VOICE: (505) 646-5711
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FAX: (505) 646-6218
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===========================================================================
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MORE DISNEY REVELATIONS
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===========================================================================
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[The Specter of Disney again rears it's ugly head. Something that never
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seemed to die, like the taste of brass on ones tongue.]
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From: jd3k+@andrew.cmu.edu (John H. Doe)
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Subject: WALT DISNEY IS GOD
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Date: 12 May 91 20:28:13 GMT
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WALT DISNEY IS GOD.
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It is proper to call him a He, then, since he was one.
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Then am I Walt Disney?
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No, Walt Disney is Walt Disney. Or rather, Walt Disney was Walt Disney.
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"When the NY Times Said God is dead" - Elton John
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I'm John H. Doe, however.
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Walt Disney described to me what Job, Jesus, and all of the Holocaust meant.
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It was magic, pure
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and simple.
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I am the doe, the dough, the Dow.
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JESUS CHRIST IS NOT COMING BACK. THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF A ROMANCE
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STORY, YOU SEE. THINK OF LIFE AS THE QUESTION, WHAT WOULD ONE OF WALT
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DISNEY'S CREATIONS DO?
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"OOH, BUT YOU SHOULDA SEEN HIM. (HOW COULD WALT DESSICATE SUCH A PURE
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VESSEL AS JESUS CHRIST?) THE MATERIAL WAS PERFECTION. IF YOU SAW HIM YOU
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WOULDA KNOWN HE WAS THE ONE."
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THE ANSWER IS SIMPLE. IT'S TO MAKE AS MUCH LOVE AS POSSIBLE, OF COURSE.
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SOME PEOPLE ARE IN ON THE JOKE AND OTHERS ARE NOT.
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I JUST CAN'T STOP LAUGHING. THE WHOLE BIBLE WORKS, YOU SEE (THE KING
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JAMES VERSION OF COURSE) IF YOU REPLACE "GOD" WITH WALT DISNEY.
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IN THE BEGINNING, WALT DISNEY CREATED THE HEAVEN AND THE EARTH. AND THE
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EARTH WAS WITHOUT FORM, AND VOID; AND DARKNESS WAS UPON THE FACE OF THE
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DEEP. AND THE SPIRIT OF WALT DISNEY MOVED UPON THE FACE OF THE WATERS.
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AND WALT DISNEY SAID, LET THERE BE LIGHT: AND THERE WAS LIGHT. (DON'T ASK
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ME HOW HE DID IT. ASK HIM. :)
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AND WALT DISNEY SAW THE LIGHT, THAT IT WAS GOOD: AND WALT DISNEY DIVIDED
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THE LIGHT FROM THE DARKNESS. AND WALT DISNEY CALLED THE LIGHT DAY, AND
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THE DARKNESS HE CALLED NIGHT.
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AND THE EVENING AND THE MORNING WERE THE FIRST DAY.
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WALT DISNEY IS LOVE.
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===========================================================================
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A CONTRIBUTION FROM THE POPE
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===========================================================================
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[I forgot to include this one in the last Purps. Still I suppose now is
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a good time to have it since it is after all from the Pope, who we all no
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doubt dearly miss. It's a sad thing he had to desert his loyal followers
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on the Net. However he's no doubt moved on to bigger and better things.
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Otis has many plans for him.]
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Date: 17 May 91 15:06:00 EDT
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From: <stevensj@vax001.kenyon.EDU>
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Subject: possible purps material
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Subj: Re: >>I want to contact some real-live extra-terrestrials!
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Subject: Re: >>I want to contact some real-live extra-terrestrials!
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Sender: J.B. Later jeffl@pmafire.inel
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In article <91122.122938IO00671@MAINE.BITNET> IO00671@MAINE.BITNET (The
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Doctor) writes:
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>
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> I am serious on this matter! If there is anyone out there who knows
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>how I can go about doing this, I would be pleased to receive some
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>serious responses.
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#1. You will need to purchase or borrow the following items:
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*1 ea. portable 200-300 watt A.C. generator.
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*150ft. 2-cond. 16-18 ga. stranded, insulated wire.
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*3ea. 9 foot sections of weatherproof "ELECTROLUMINESCENT DISPLAY MATERIAL"
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(must be green, or blue in color). Check with aircraft and rotorcraft
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supply companies).
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*2 doz. "Scotchlock" connectors for 12 ga. wire.
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*Misc. small tools, (small knife, elc. tape, wire cutters & strippers.
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screwdriver, pliers etc.)
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#2. Go to a clear area on or near "Mount Kisco", New York early in the day
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on Friday, May 17, or Friday, 31.,
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and construct a PERFECT isosceles triangle out of the "display material".
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Wire up the display so that the panels face skyward, and connect to the
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generator. Confirm operation of display.
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#3. Wait till nightfall, approx. 8:00 PM. Start generator. Lay blanket
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on ground INSIDE of triangular and SIT on blanket INSIDE of
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triangle display.
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#4. WAIT
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[Editors note: Right now we are in the process of testing this procedure
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to in fact prove that this does indeed work.]
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===========================================================================
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ITS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE
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===========================================================================
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[Here's an Otisian Miracle for you.]
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Date: Tue, 28 May 1991 11:29 EDT
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From: UN025537@WVNVAXA.WVNET.EDU
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Subject: Re: Gag me with a maggot
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To: "FAUVAX::BARKER"@SERVAX.FIU.EDU
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[stuff deleted]
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oh, and you don't have to keep my return quiet! proclaim it to the whole
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of the OTISian faith that the guarder of vengeance will NOT be kept down.
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OTIS will triumph over this pitiful little resistance that is coming our
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way. i think they though i would be an easy target, what with being so
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far away from everybody else out in massachusetts, and so close to their
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miskatonic university! anyways, i am back, at least for the summer.
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[stuff deleted]
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oh well, ta!
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Our Lady St. Tif of the bloody pinking shears,
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living martyr and guardian of OTISian vengeance
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===========================================================================
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EXCITING ADVERTISEMENTS
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===========================================================================
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ACT NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!
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You've seen it in the papers. you heard it from the preacher. You can
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feel it in your bones! The end is near! Apocalypse is approaching. Are
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you trying to save yourself? Or do you just not care? Do you think
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Rapture will suck you off the planet?
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Rapture won't. For those of you who did not know, this planet has been
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under Intergalactic Government Quarantine Control since around the time of
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the Battle of Troy. Nothing in. Nothing out. Earth to too dangerous and
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stupid a place to allow off planet contamination.
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When Rapture rolls around what will happen? Why you'll be sucked up into
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the stratosphere and bounce off the containment layer..that is if you're
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luckily. You could get caught. Be warned prosecution for violating the
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Quarantine Seal is extremely harsh. If you're lucky you'll get 10,000
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years on a bakery planet. If it's around Thanksgiving you'll be torn
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apart by rapid mobs on the Moon.
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Do you really want that? Do you really want Rapture?
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Sure you'll argue that the Intergalactic Quarantine is a fake. Hey we went
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to the Moon after all. Or did we? Or did they just let us think we did?
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Have you ever taken a good close look at any of the returning astronauts?
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Are you sure they are even human now?
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So with rapture clearly out what do you do? You'll have to be here when
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the Armageddon rolls around. You'll want to be on the winning side right?
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Or at least have a chance to surrender without having your soul blasted
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out of your carcass. ATOMIC EXPLOSIONS DESTROY SOULS. YOU DO NOT GO TO
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HEAVEN IN AN ATOMIC BLAST. THERE IS NO REINCARNATION. THERE IS NOTHING.
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YOUR SOUL IS SHATTERED LIKE A GLASS CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT. IT'S DEATH. TRUE
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PERMANENT CEASE TO EXIST DEATH!!!
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So what can you do to avoid this? Why you've got to help our side. The
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good side win.
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How do you do that you wonder? Becoming an Otisian won't help. This is
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the Armageddon, not Ragnorock. In fact no faith or religious fanaticism is
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needed. What is are materials. Canned goods, sun tan lotion, armor plate,
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munitions, life jackets, volley ball nets, fiberglass, sun glasses, guitar
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strings, test tubes, light bulbs, bermuda shorts, rifles, pistols,
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antiaircraft missiles, potato peelers, atomic fuel, gas masks, polaroid
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film, candy, toilet paper, spark plugs, pontoons, wooden indians, shark
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repellent, fishing gear, encyclopedias, repair manuals, old space suits,
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bus tickets, depth charges, velvet posters, knifes, bombs, hair dryers,
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microwave dinners, WD40, jet fuel, lawn chairs, hockey pucks, dynamite,
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sewing machines, lawn mowers, old news papers, boy scout uniforms, plaster
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of paris, super 8 movie cameras, sonar gear, computer equipment, toner,
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paper, christmas lights, flame throwers, party hats, frogman equipment,
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samurai swords, search lights, lip stick, panty hose, clothes line, wigs,
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vodka, canaries, kitty litter, tanks, used aluminum, sneakers, asbestos,
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handcuffs, odor eaters, cb radios, and anything else that might be useful
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to a ocean going fleet which will defeat the forces of the Antichrist.
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Only with your help can we defeat these evil forces. Time is short and
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the budget is even smaller. Even a few paper clips or a decorative post
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card would help the effort.
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So if you really want to survive the Armageddon and help defeat the forces
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of the Antichrist send you donations to:
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Commodore Presley
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Project Invisible Navy
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South Florida Coast Guard
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They'll see that the supplies are delivered to the proper place.
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===========================================================================
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HELPFUL TIPS
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===========================================================================
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TIPS TO BE A GOOD HOST TO SPACE ALIENS
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The reason why space aliens are not moving openly among us this day is
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because we are such bad hosts. Below are tips that will help the
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aliens feel more welcome on the planet earth.
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1. Landing Lights. Aliens have come from a distance planet. When they
|
|
reach Earth they are very weary and tired from their travels. Make their
|
|
landings easier by placing landing lights around an open field or a
|
|
large back yard. Be sure to leave plenty of space for them to land.
|
|
|
|
2. Refreshments. After a long trip in a car, doesn't it feel good to get
|
|
out and have something to eat and drink. Hey aliens feel the same way.
|
|
Have coffee and donuts or other treats on hand. Serve them up hot to
|
|
those hungry tired aliens who land in your back yard. They'll be grateful.
|
|
|
|
3. Good Manners. No matter where you go, good manner always impress
|
|
people. The same hold true for men from mars. When you meet them put out
|
|
your hand and smile. Welcome them to your planet. Offer to show them
|
|
around. Maybe even have a packet of welcoming information on hand to give
|
|
them. Aliens sometimes don't know the Earth very well and really
|
|
appreciate such things.
|
|
|
|
4. Cleanliness. The earth is a very germy place. Think how you feel when
|
|
you meet a filthy person. Keep yourself clean and tidy looking. You need
|
|
to make a good impression on aliens. They won't come back if they are
|
|
frightened of the filth they see. Keep your hair well trimmed and
|
|
remember to bathe before meeting them. Most of all, tie your shoes. Aliens
|
|
really respect this as a sign of high intelligence.
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
WHAT OTIS IS TO ME ESSAY
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
|
|
[Here's an essay of sorts on what Otis is from our newest member. She's
|
|
actually very prolific. Let this be a lesson to you all. We need many
|
|
more like her so got out there and convert! ]
|
|
|
|
Date: Sat, 1 Jun 91 11:09:52 CDT
|
|
From: Jeanne B Schreiter <shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
|
|
Subject: Oh Spode and shit
|
|
|
|
An official comment, I dare say, something abstract, insignificant, ravings
|
|
and other delicious assorted chocolates made for Ethiopian sailors in the
|
|
high seas of the Antarctica.
|
|
|
|
My official idea of Otis.
|
|
|
|
He's a long haired guy from england.
|
|
|
|
He only get fucked by women in the music biz, but he's famous for it.
|
|
|
|
I saw him in my dreams last night, orgasming my life away with his
|
|
fingertips. Sure this gets sensual, but I dreamed in Otis yesterday, it's
|
|
important to my wellbeing as a _outerOtisian_. The _outerOtisian_ is a
|
|
person who comes from abroad, listening to the ways of the world, (hence
|
|
Goddess, the modes of Purps, SPODEmen (unlike aliens encountered) and the
|
|
various forms of raw meat that I've scalped (nevermind.) I'm not a cereal
|
|
killer.
|
|
|
|
Last night, I arrived on dream could 15.2 and there was this long haired
|
|
man, (was it a man?) and he said to me, "shark." Yeah, that might have
|
|
been it, but I floated on a racecar named "merry Window of Cranberry teas
|
|
unmarketed in the AfterLife." Anyway, that look, similar to the one
|
|
where the Rev (I will not take his name in vainity, maybe insanity, but
|
|
never vain, we know what that could lead too, or lead not to) and then
|
|
some. This look, laid me flat against the ground and the visions of the
|
|
earth were quickly rerouted on Hwy 94 straight out of Milwaukee, heading
|
|
south. I know we changed to highway 32 that goes along the lake, He/She
|
|
said he/she knew the water was in my earth blood. Thank the almighty
|
|
Otis, I didn't have to say I was alien, He/She already knew.
|
|
|
|
I've been living with this secret for years now. Part fish, part human,
|
|
each segmentation of my sphere living with the reality that each part
|
|
wants to be elsewhere. It's hard when mating time comes around.
|
|
|
|
We flew down 32, the wind in my veins, the oxygen pulsating through my
|
|
toes (great foot massage, I recommend it) when Otis turned to me and
|
|
asked, "Why did you leave?" Shit I wasn't even aware he knew...hence...
|
|
|
|
(to be continued at a later date)
|
|
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
CLEVELAND
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
|
|
[Yet again more material our "Cyberboy" song writer.]
|
|
|
|
Date: Sat, 1 Jun 91 14:45:44 MDT
|
|
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
|
|
Subject: Call for Submissions
|
|
|
|
OK, you can use this. I just wrote it.
|
|
|
|
WHY I BELIEVE THEY COME FROM CLEVELAND
|
|
Transcribed by Eric Iverson
|
|
|
|
October 12, 1982: Mrs. E.O. Phillips of Kecksberg Pennsylvania narrowly
|
|
avoids being run down by a bakery truck driven by a greenish man with no
|
|
eyebrows. Later under hypnosis she recalls that the truck itself had no
|
|
wheels, and had masonic symbols spray-painted on the sides.
|
|
|
|
Residents of Xenia Ohio reported a mysterious refrigerator repairman
|
|
walking down the middle of main street at approximately 12:55 pm on June
|
|
5th 1984. Yet NORAD radar reported no repairmen in the area at that time,
|
|
and dismissed the sighting as a weather balloon, DESPITE THE FACT THAT
|
|
WEATHER BALLOONS CANNOT CARRY TOOLKITS.
|
|
|
|
On April 17th 1989, 12 families in South Bend Indiana awoke to find their
|
|
teenage offspring missing, with no clues as to their whereabouts. Later
|
|
that week they were found sitting in an oak tree in the town park, stoned
|
|
on wacky weed and singing the lyrics to "Blowing in the Wind" in Swedish.
|
|
|
|
Coincidence? Or just bad grooming? Not if you consider that all these
|
|
facts fall into place when you realize that THEY ALL HAPPENED NEAR
|
|
CLEVELAND!
|
|
|
|
Clearly Cleveland is being used as a staging ground for a sinister
|
|
campaign to undermine the moral fiber of Mr. and Mrs. MIDDLE AMERICA!
|
|
|
|
To be precise, the menace is based offshore in Lake Erie where years of
|
|
chemical pollutants have spawned a mutant race of Nazi frogmen poised to
|
|
strike at the heart of the AMERICAN DREAM!
|
|
|
|
BUT WAIT! THERE'S STILL HOPE! Many lakes and estuaries have yet to be
|
|
populated by these demonic, apple pie hating amphibians. It is still not
|
|
too late to use one of these lakes as the breeding ground for a red
|
|
blooded yankee doodle race of counter attacking creatures. Sure, large
|
|
amounts of toxins and pollutants will be required, and many innocent fish
|
|
and water fowl may be called upon to sacrifice their lives in the process,
|
|
BUT OUR NATIONAL SECURITY IS TOO IMPORTANT TO WORRY ABOUT THE COST!
|
|
|
|
WHAT CAN YOU DO TO HELP? Write your congressman! Write your senator!
|
|
Send an inflatable goo goo doll to the clergyman of your choice! Now is
|
|
not a time for thinking. The time for action has come! Let's see some
|
|
action! And while you're at it, let's see some polish on those shoes
|
|
mister. What do you think this is? Russkieville? Surely you have some
|
|
dangerous household chemicals that you've been saving for when the dog
|
|
needs to be put away. Most likely your neighbors do too. If we pool our
|
|
resources we can lick this menace once and for all and get back to being
|
|
the best damn freedom loving humans on the face of this planet!
|
|
|
|
(end of transmission)
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Eric Iverson Internet: eiverson@nmsu.edu
|
|
Computing Research Lab
|
|
Box 30001/3CRL Life is something to do when
|
|
New Mexico State University you can't get to sleep.
|
|
Las Cruces, NM 88003-0001 -Fran Lebowitz
|
|
VOICE: (505) 646-5711
|
|
FAX: (505) 646-6218
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
PRODUCT WARNING LABELS
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: Mon, 03 Jun 91 09:32:31 EDT
|
|
From: Jeff Tucker <R3JMT%AKRONVM@vm1.cc.UAKRON.EDU>
|
|
Subject: Re: Call for Submissions
|
|
|
|
A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Lables
|
|
|
|
by Susan Hewit and Edward Subitzky
|
|
|
|
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend
|
|
towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings
|
|
on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must
|
|
also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-
|
|
intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary
|
|
in this important area. This is especially true in light of the
|
|
findings of 20th century physics.
|
|
|
|
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we
|
|
join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate
|
|
the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the
|
|
packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of
|
|
America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.
|
|
|
|
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
|
|
|
|
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
|
|
Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a
|
|
Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely
|
|
Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
|
|
|
|
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent
|
|
of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
|
|
|
|
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
|
|
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred
|
|
Million Miles Per Hour.
|
|
|
|
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is
|
|
Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both
|
|
Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
|
|
|
|
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That,
|
|
Through a Process Known as "Tunneling," This Product May Spon-
|
|
taneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at
|
|
Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's
|
|
Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any
|
|
Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
|
|
|
|
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested
|
|
Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles
|
|
Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within
|
|
the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
|
|
|
|
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This
|
|
Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic
|
|
Explosion Will Result.
|
|
|
|
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in
|
|
Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in
|
|
the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the
|
|
Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to
|
|
the Heat Death of the Universe.
|
|
|
|
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held
|
|
Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known
|
|
and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
|
|
|
|
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found
|
|
Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product
|
|
Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
|
|
|
|
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May
|
|
Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-
|
|
Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This
|
|
Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable
|
|
to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions
|
|
Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot
|
|
Be Detected.
|
|
|
|
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When
|
|
the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May
|
|
Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undeterminded
|
|
State.
|
|
|
|
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
|
|
Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in
|
|
Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other
|
|
Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be
|
|
Expressed or Implied.
|
|
|
|
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product,
|
|
Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its
|
|
Velocity Relative to the User.
|
|
|
|
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe,
|
|
Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an
|
|
Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently
|
|
Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot
|
|
Be Guaranteed.
|
|
|
|
|
|
(The above is from Volume 36, Number 1 of
|
|
The Journal of Irreproducible Results.
|
|
Copyright 1991 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc.
|
|
3 Cambridge Center, Cambridge MA 02141
|
|
Individual US Subscriptions $12.00
|
|
Reproduced with permission.)
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
NEWS OF THE WEIRD
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
|
|
[It seems to have become a regular ritual to include this stuff so why
|
|
not continue. Besides it's good stuff. Pay special attention to the cow
|
|
business. As I'm sure many of you are aware the Ghost of Elvis has been
|
|
haunting cows. As you can see below, this haunting may actually be
|
|
beneficial. The Ghost of Elvis should probably be put up as the patron
|
|
Saint of Cows for his efforts. Start that letter writing campaign to the
|
|
Vatican now. (*Please note how the term 'Ghost of Elvis' is used an not
|
|
Elvis himself.*)]
|
|
|
|
Date: 3 Jun 91 11:41:00 EDT
|
|
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
|
Subject: News of the Weird returns!
|
|
|
|
Sorry for the long silence; I've been out wandering the country without
|
|
access to a computer, much less the Net. Anyway, the following items
|
|
appeared in the Chicago Reader's News of the Weird column.
|
|
|
|
In September it was reported that the gov't of Japan had begun testing
|
|
silvery, reflective coats and hats for cows, designed by a Tokyo professor
|
|
to cool them in summer and warm them in winter, making them produce more
|
|
meat and milk. Aust- ralian researcher Dr. Philbert Hausman said earlier
|
|
this year that milk product- ion could be increased up to 35% by playing
|
|
certain background music while cows are being milked. He especially
|
|
recommended Elvis Presley's "Are You Lonesome Tonight?"
|
|
|
|
A paper presented by a Vancouver consulting firm at the Indoor Air '90
|
|
conference in Toronto in August reported that, because of exposure to
|
|
household cleaners, housewives have a 55% higher risk of cancer than women
|
|
who work outside the home.
|
|
|
|
The findings of a Senate Budget Committee report on Pentagon spending last
|
|
year included the revelations that the Army is increasing the # of sizes
|
|
available in women's shirts from 54 to 126 (the clothing industry uses
|
|
only about 40 sizes) & that the Navy has acquired 53,268 of a certain F-14
|
|
airplane machine tool whose rate of use (4 per year) means the Navy is now
|
|
stocked up on it for the next 13,157 years.
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
STORY TIME
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
|
|
[I was quite pleased when I got this next bit, especially from such a
|
|
recent convert. Hopefully we'll see a more work from her. ]
|
|
|
|
Date: Mon, 3 Jun 91 12:12:10 CDT
|
|
From: Jeanne B Schreiter <shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
|
|
Subject: A story (pt 1)
|
|
|
|
I wrote this story (in several parts) around 3:30 am today. It's a bit odd.
|
|
I was feeling abit odd.
|
|
|
|
title: "Dream skips: Knit One Pearl Two, Screw Otis, You Know Who"
|
|
also called: "Also Called"
|
|
|
|
I don't know why the fuck I was there, standing in this greasy bar,
|
|
wearing red and gold jockey silks (bizarre clothes for an Amazon woman)
|
|
and drinking scotch straight up. My best friend, Jill, was standing next
|
|
to me saying something about accounting exams, which was funny since she
|
|
works in radio and Otis (dear god, Otis) was screaming around the bar, "I
|
|
want to be fucked good and hard. Do it to me baby!" Where the hell was
|
|
Otis's wife was my first thought. I surely wasn't going to do it. Otis
|
|
was fucked up enough as it was. Jill faded to black and the event fell
|
|
through this tiny hole in a sewer casing.
|
|
|
|
So I'm walking down the street, no more pretty girl silks, looking like I
|
|
got off a crazy rock opera bus tour, black mini skirt, white loose blouse
|
|
and no underthings. My nipples play with the filmy material and I feel
|
|
sucked in by the leather. otis stands before me.
|
|
|
|
"Why did you leave me?" he asks somberly.
|
|
|
|
"I had to go, " I reply.
|
|
|
|
"But you didn't even say goodbye. You just left."
|
|
|
|
What could I say? I had done just that.
|
|
|
|
"Otis, man," I jive, "Life isn't easy."
|
|
|
|
Otis really looked at me then, peering at me with those Jesus eyes. I'll
|
|
never forget the blueness of them. Then he repeated those same words I'd
|
|
heard earlier..earlier.
|
|
|
|
"Fuck me."
|
|
|
|
*******
|
|
|
|
Also Called, pt 2...
|
|
|
|
Dolly Madison chocolate cream cakes. Not for her or all the other
|
|
chocolate confections in the world, or the fish in my goldfish bowl or a
|
|
microwave container filled with aluminum could make me think about fucking
|
|
Otis. Hell, I wanted a harem for myself, but I'd never fuck a man who has
|
|
a wife already.
|
|
|
|
Bloody hell #2. Pynocline.
|
|
|
|
Second time tonight--Where the hell was Otis's wife? I don't know why
|
|
this happens, but the Rev pops into my life. He's sitting on a bright
|
|
yellow coloured couch, flipping a Bic, lighting clove cigs and whistling a
|
|
Skynard tune, probably from Runes. How the heck do I know it's Rev?
|
|
|
|
Rev takes the cloves from his lips, a brown haze echoes his silhouette and
|
|
he films the white ash smoke aside. It's like blindness underneath a
|
|
antique lamp post.
|
|
|
|
"Fuck him, "says Rev. (if it's really Rev)
|
|
|
|
Now I'm thinking what the hell? There's this door in front of me that
|
|
says "Otis" on it. Just like the stars. Dressing rooms of heaven.
|
|
|
|
Behind me sitting not too far away from Rev is this desk, loaded with
|
|
pencils and orange papers. Mal's sitting there, screaming into a blue
|
|
box, insults I think. He looks up as I look down.
|
|
|
|
"What's up, chick?" Mal says.
|
|
|
|
Salt air licks at the back of my hair. I'm human, I think. At least for
|
|
the time being, I only hope.
|
|
|
|
"Otis says I should fuck him, Rev says I should fuck him (Otis). My head
|
|
says, go loosely, screwed in slow motion, reverse order. Body in
|
|
overdrive. And Otis's wife is missing." I say.
|
|
|
|
Out of the outer limits of the twilight the cities merge closer together
|
|
and a certain tune weeds through the air. It's one I've never heard
|
|
before. "All Surf Monkeys must Die on Mars..."
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
Pt 3 (also called)
|
|
|
|
"You don't have to if you don't want to," Mal says.
|
|
|
|
That's it, my guardian angle, saves me from lost again. twice in two
|
|
weeks. It's a record. Must be a sign. Light bulbs burst out everywhere.
|
|
Crashes are heard throughout the site, zapping noises echo in the mist,
|
|
like fog machines that have been overexposed. Yeah, they're signs.
|
|
|
|
Otis walks out of his dressing room.
|
|
|
|
I'm standing before him. A human mass of holey jeans, royal blue ocean
|
|
shirt, white MTM shoes with better cushioning and soles. I can see better
|
|
this time. His smoldering eyes beat my soul(s), my blood floods my
|
|
arteries, my face is white (I'd bet a dollar on it.)
|
|
|
|
"I'm glad you came home, JB" he whispers quietly. "get ready to get fucked
|
|
up."
|
|
|
|
I'm standing outside this house. It's not ornately designed or decorated.
|
|
I look through the window. This house isn't my home.
|
|
|
|
A voice-from who knows where- yells "aren't you coming in hon?"
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
Also called part 4
|
|
|
|
Don't ever call me hon or dear or girlie, non, non, nyet.
|
|
|
|
An Aussie band plays in the background. They sing, "Business As
|
|
Usual"...I can't remember their name, it's got Men in the title.
|
|
|
|
Would Otis send me to hell to test me for leaving?
|
|
|
|
I run past Rev and Mal on the street that eventually lands in the sea.
|
|
The bushes are a blur. On fire, literally. Past gumdrop lane and the bar
|
|
I was at earlier tonight. A lost POW in sheep's clothing, advocating.
|
|
The pavement between my legs becomes a raw red tongue, trying to lick me
|
|
as I continue running. Limbs become fins, trading shoes for small flip
|
|
wings, blues engorging with greys and rough skin, salt water streams down
|
|
my sides in simple harmonies. I hear the poets of the surf crying. And
|
|
the sweet smell of seaweed breaches my second sights. Then I hear him.
|
|
The voice on the loud speaker.
|
|
|
|
"On this day, June 3, 1991, another soul has been saved. Trials and
|
|
tribulations from the afterlife have not been successful, welcome back jb
|
|
and take a number at the next door."
|
|
|
|
The voice disapated. I stopped for once in my life and slept where I was,
|
|
stillness, in the sea of fishes.
|
|
|
|
the end
|
|
|
|
shark :) I said it odd and I still
|
|
don't know what number I'm supposed
|
|
to take at what door.
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
RANTINGS
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
|
|
[What PURPS could be complete without one or two of these. Besides you
|
|
should get used to hearing from this person. After all they well be
|
|
taking the reins of PURPS eventually.]
|
|
|
|
Date: Mon, 3 Jun 91 17:42:52 BST
|
|
From: M.S.Dow@exeter.ac.uk
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Subject: Re: Salutations and Sanitations
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Ordnance and Control is the only completely trustworthy covert
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organization in the world. They never support embarrassing dictators, get
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caught with their pants down by the KGB, come up with ridiculous plans to
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kill Fidel Castro which not only fail but make you look like a jackass,
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send arms to deranged pondlife like Saddam or Hafez Assad, never EVER
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harass ordinary people for not knuckling under like some asshole oligarchs
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want, and they don't cost a dime. "How can this be????" I hear you cry,
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agog with wonder, disbelief, and (maybe) hope. How has Michael S. Dow,
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skinny white intellectual achieved what millenia of power-hungry men have
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failed to achieve? (I don't think most of them really put their hearts
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into it, really.) I'll let G.G., Chief Executive Director of Ordnance and
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Control, explain. "You see, the reason Ordnance and Control is THE
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perfect intelligence and oppression organization is that we are entirely
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fictional. Even I do not actually exist. We can get results no ACTUAL
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professional would ever DREAM of getting, because everything we do is in
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your mind. And that is why we are so effective-- it's all in your mind,
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literally a "dream organization." This may, of course, lead you to scoff,
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and say "Oh, well, if you're going to shatter the illusion like that, I'm
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not going to take you seriously. See if I tell YOU about the Hamster
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Illuminati!" You will,however have missed the point completely. Fiction
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dominates fact, and people make the world into what they have been told it
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is. Thus, an entirely fictional company like ours is in fact much better
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suited to world domination than such tangible groups as the CIA, the KGB,
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MI6, the PLO, the NKVD, the Stasi, or even Subgenii or Otisians. Still
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unconvinced? Hell, I bet you never even noticed me in HUCKLEBERRY FINN
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did you?" You didn't, did you? Well, I did, and hired him on the spot.
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If you'd like Ordnance and Control to work for YOU, all you need do is
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pick an obscure (and preferably menacing and mysterious) character from a
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great work of fiction (greatness being, of course, in the eye of the
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beholder) and he/she/it can head your own personal branch of Ordnance and
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Control. (NB G.G. will always be Chief Executive Director, though. If you
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want your own character to be top dog, you'll have to form your OWN crazed
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fantasy.) I don't worry about the Nine Unknown. The Nine Unnoticed I
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worry about a lot but Nine Nobody Knows means Nine People Who Don't Get
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Out Much, and if there's one thing complete domination of five billion
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human cattle entails, it's socializing.
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Foole
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===========================================================================
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MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
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===========================================================================
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Date: 5 Jun 91 09:42:00 EDT
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From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
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Subject: NOTW (That is, for those of you not yet fully awake, News of the
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Weird)
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These are from the Chicago Reader, sometime in 1990.
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Under the heading "Science Fair":
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A recent medical journal article details the case of a 26-yr-old man who
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has suffered delusions for 15 years that he is a cat. At age 17 he
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confessed to eating small prey, having sex with cats, and falling in love
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with a zoo tigress and having attempted suicide when the tigress was moved
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to another zoo. He still dresses in tiger-striped clothes.
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The British medical journal _Pharos International_ reported recently that
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silicone breast implants remain in the ground far longer than the bodies
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that house them and that the nonbiodegradable implants could cause future
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water pollution problems.
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And under the heading "Government in Action":
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In a report by the defense select committee to Britain's House of Commons
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in May, private security guards at 56 British military installations were
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criticized as being "hopeless," "not strong enough to perform... heavy
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lifting," "often asleep on the job," and in some cases "afraid of the
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dark."
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From the chapter "No Artificial Ingredients":
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A jury in Nassau County, NY awarded $425,000 to a 24-yr-olk bookkeeper who
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claimed she lost her hair from the shock of biting into a squirming beetle
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in her yogurt. The woman was watching tv & eating raspberry yogurt when,
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according to her attorney, Abraham Fuschberg, "she felt a piece of foreign
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matter in her mouth. She knew it was too hard to be a raspberry, & besides
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it was moving."
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When residents of Princeton, WV complained their water smelled & tasted
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foul, workers investigated & found a decomposed body in a municipal water
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tank.
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Police in Boulder arrested Univ. of CO student Ellen Malmquest for feeding
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6 live puppies to her neighbor's caged mountain lion, jaguar, & bobcat.
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Malmquest explained she fed the pups to the cats b/c she hadn't
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anticipated her dog's delivering such a large litter & because she's "into
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the foodchain thing."
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The Khartoum representative of the International Committee of the Red
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Cross decided not to distribute relief supplies to thousands of Sudanese
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who had lived for months on grass, roots, & leaves after fleeing civil war
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b/c he was afraid of starting food riots.
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Edith Tyler sued a restaurant in Flagstaff, AZ for $150,000, claiming a
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stuffed cabbage she ordered "apparently contained a used rubber
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prophylactic." And a Newport, TN jury awarded $2500 to Carl "Jabo" Gentry,
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who sued the Stokely Van- Camp Corp after he said he found a condom in a
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can of the company's pork &beans.
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And from the chapter "Far From Perfect Crimes":
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William Saunders took 14 hostages at AT&T's NYC offices b/c he was
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distraught over a child-custody fight with his wife, an AT&T employee. 13
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of them escaped when Saunders gave them-- 1 at a time-- permission to
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leave the room to get a drink of water & they never returned.
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Richard Brown, 22, of Boston stopped a police cruiser to report a fire in
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a nearby variety store. The officers guessed Brown might have started the
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fire himself, since he was carrying 4 gallons of gasoline & an unused
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firebomb at the time.
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After drinking $35 worth of beer, a 32-yr-old man decided to break into a
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store on Longmont, CO. He was trying to pry open the front door with a
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crowbar when he saw people inside were staring at him & realized the store
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was still open.
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And from the chapter called "The Great Pretenders":
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A CA man calling himself "Dr. Franklin" telephoned women in the San
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Francisco area saying that he had examined their blood tests and that they
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had a fatal disease. He then claimed to possess a drug in his blood which
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could cure them and said that it could be transmitted to them through sexual
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intercourse. At least 3 women fell for the story.
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Baltimore Judge Hilary Caplan voided the marriage of Liberian Prince M.K.
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Ofosu- Appiah, 28, to Delores Buchanan, on the grounds that Buchanan was a
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man. The prince, who claimed that he never saw Buchanan nude & never
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consummated the marriage, discovered Buchanan was a man when he saw that
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her birth certificate had "male" in the section identifying sex.
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A 17-yr-old Memphis woman was married for 4 months before discovering that
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her husband was a 19-yr-old woman. According to a clergyman involved in
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the case, the woman said that her husband never let her see "him" naked
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because he was supposedly deformed by a football injury. The bride
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reportedly became suspicious when some of her husband's friends referred
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to him as "Harriet."
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In 1989 jazz musician Billy Tipton died of a bleeding ulcer, leaving an
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ex-wife and 3 adopted sons. While the funeral director ws preparing the
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body for burial, he discovered the 74-yr-old saxaphonist-pianist was
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really a woman. "He'll always be Dad," said one of Tipton's boys.
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===========================================================================
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Gosh that's all. Hmm a bit short. Well I got rather busy when I didn't
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expect to be so I couldn't grind out more. I also figure I should get
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this sent out before Rev. John dies from trying to figure out what role
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he plays in the story I mentioned to him.
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It always seems I have plans to include other things in here. I usually
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run out of time or forget.
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Hopefully, next time around will be another episode of Messenger of the
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Gods, and a few other contributions from people.
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Keep sending those submissions I can always use them.
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--Mal
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===========================================================================
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THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
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===========================================================================
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--Subink 1991
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