958 lines
43 KiB
Plaintext
958 lines
43 KiB
Plaintext
================================================================
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 20
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================================================================
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"Kenyon's Very Own Non Alien Run REPLIES TO: STEVENSJ
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Electronic Magazine" INTERNET: "Stevensj@VAX001.Kenyon.edu"
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* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
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*** P P U U R R P P S
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***** P P U U R R P P S
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******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
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********* P U U R R P S
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*********** P U U R RR P S
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***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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* **** *
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*** *** ***
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**** * *****
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************************************
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****************************************
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************************************
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**** ***** *****
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*** ***** ***
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* ***** *
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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***********
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*********
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*******
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*****
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***
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*
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________________________________________________________________
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SOMETHING WHICH MIGHT, IN THE CORRECT FRAME OF MIND, LOOK SORT OF
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LIKE A TABLE OF CONTENTS
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Introduction: Should Olde Acquaintance be Forgot...
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News: Forwarding Addresses, Ant Larvae, Left Handed People, Queen
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gets Nipped! More!
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OTISian Rants: Puzlin' Rants!, More!
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Other Rants: Still More!
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----------------------------------------------------------------
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INTRODUCTION
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(Apologies to Robert Burns)
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I'm Pope Jeffe, goodnight. Or, maybe, that's the
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Thunderbolt and I'm outta here! Or, we now return to Scott
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Simpsons radio show, this week featuring non-stope dirges from
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the 11th century. T-T-That's all folks? Well, I've had it out
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with the staff. Either that wallpaper paper goes or I do.
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Closing lines are easy to come by but difficult to choose.
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So instead of being snappy or inspirational, suffice it to say
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that this is my last Purps. I enjoyed creating this monstrosity.
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I enjoyed the parties and the Bar Treks, the formal banquet and
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the random rituals. I enjoyed the new year and setting fire to
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my socks, my birthday party, and even being shot in the chest. I
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remain, looking back, amused by the rise of the OTISian faith on
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this campus, spreading itself rapidly into a cult following. I
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am amused by how popular this slapped together rag became and how
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quickly that happened.
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Nope. I have no particular words of eulogy as I relinquish
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control of this beastie to Mal and eventually Mike, except to
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that I enjoyed it, and it seemed that you did too, and I hope
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that's a trend that continues. So, following my own advice, I
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now fall back on dogma when inspiration leaves.
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HAIL OTIS! HAIL ROTUS! HAIL LOTUS! HAIL SPODE!
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Take care you all. It's been surreal.
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HAIL OTIS!--
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PJI
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O.K. Mal, take it away....
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_______
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News
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-------
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PURPS.STUFF: NEW ADDRESSES! FOR THE SUMMER: BARKER@ACC.FAU.EDU,
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AFTER SEPTEMBER 1: DOW@VAX001.KENYON.EDU
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OTISIAN NEWS: Many of you have asked who will become "Pope" in
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may absence. The answer is that there's only room for ONE Pope,
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in this religion, bucko, so you'd better get those ascension
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ideas out of YOUR HEAD! However, next school year a Bishop o'
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Kenyon (the second Bishop of this beloved institution) will be
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appointed in order to keep the grass roots Otisian movement alive
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here. The title of "Bishop" will be conferred by as many of the
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current OTISian saints on campus as possible. To whit: St. Zeck
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of Small Lizards and Furry Marshmallows, St. James of Nothing
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Yet, St. Tofer of Ex/recommunications, St. Analisa of Tetris, St.
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Kurella (James) of Hmmm.. I forget Right Now, and any other St.s
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I may have named in an inebriated state and can no longer
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remember. I will be guided complete by their decisions.
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WHERE TO FIND US:
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If you still have a longing for genuine OTISian Dogma after the
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demise of Purps, the Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes will
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provide. Send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to:
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IGHF
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POB 235
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Williamstown, MA 01267-0235 USA
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and ask to be put on the mailing list. This will also, believe
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it or not, be the most solid address for me, PJI.
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OTHER NEWS
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========
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From the Columbus Dispatch, 4-17-91:
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"If this doesn't make your stomach rumble, nothing will: A Berkeley,
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CA, grocery store is selling frozen sour ant larvae. It's said to taste
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great in scrambled eggs and soups."
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============================================================================
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New York Times, 4-4-91:
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"Left-handed people tend to live significantly shorter lives than right-
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handers, perhaps because they face more perils in a world dominated by the
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right-handed, according to new research.
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"... In a letter in the current issue of the New England Journal of
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Medicine,researchers who studied the deaths of 1000 Southern Californians
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report that right-handers, on average, live to be 75 years old. Left-handers
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typically die at age 66.
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"... They cautioned, `We are not implying that using one's left hand
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causes an earlier death.' But they found that lefthanders were more than 5
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times (7.9% to 1.5%) as likely to die in accidents, often while driving...."
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[Now, let's see.... Reid's 22 now.... 2033, mark that year off....]
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============================================================================
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_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 9 February 1991
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_Method Acting_
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Mr. Russ Arensman of Hongkong-based magazine _Electronic Business
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Asia_ was intrigued by a statement from Digital Equipment Corp that it
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would eliminate 3,000 jobs, mainly in Colorado Springs.
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The statement did not use the word "lay-offs", but described the
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dismissals as "involuntary methodologies".
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It's one of the most creative bursts I've seen from the company in
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a long time," said Russ.
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We wonder how the phrase is actually used? Do Digital bosses call
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employees into their office and say: "Sorry, Blotnik, I have no choice
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but to involuntarily methodologise you."
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Is hiring someone called: "Voluntarily demethodologising them"?
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============================================================================
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_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 26 February 1991
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_Laptop in Colombo puts Campbell in the Soup_
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Technology writer Larry Campbell decided to take a laptop to
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Sri Lanka.
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Unfortunately, he also wanted to take it out again.
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When he got to the airport, a customs official said: "You
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can't take that out without an export permit from the Exchange
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Control Department in Colombo."
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In the city, he went to the Exchange Control Department
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where officials told him: "You can't get a permit without the
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right paperwork from airport customs."
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Back he went to the airport, 25 miles out of the city.
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Staff there said they had sent the forms to Colombo.
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Back he went to Colombo. After two frustrating days he tied
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down a customs official who said a letter could be picked up
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later.
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Mr. Campbell arrived at the appointed hour, but the official
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refused to sign the letter since it had too many spelling
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mistakes. (No word processors, you see). And it was past 4pm so
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all the clerks had gone home.
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"So I typed the stupid letter myself on one of the
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department's prehistoric typewriters," growled the Hongkong
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computer man.
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After a week of nightmarish bureaucracy he showed the permit
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to the customs official on the way out.
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"You don't really need one of those," chuckled the man in
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uniform.
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Mr. Campbell came close to testing his laptop's ability to
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double as a blunt instrument.
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============================================================================
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_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 19 March 1991
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_Mid-Air Drama_
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Mr. Daniel Akler, a Hongkong-based consultant, settled back in his
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seat on the morning flight CAAC 319 from Guangzhou to Hongkong
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yesterday.
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Just as in other airlines' international flights, a safety
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demonstration was announced.
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A voice started describing what to do on the public address
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system, and a stewardess appeared in the aisle to demonstrate.
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Step One: she picked up the life-jacket and tried to undo the
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buckle. It wouldn't budge.
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The voice continued the description, and the stewardess looked
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rather at a loss.
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Since she couldn't open the buckle, she couldn't do any of the
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rest of the operation.
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The voice continued to drone.
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"She folded up the lifejacket, put it back in its place, and
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strolled quietly away," said Mr. Akler.
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[I always suspected that, actually...]
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============================================================================
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South China Morning Post - 6 March 1991
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_The Queen Bitten in Corgi Fight_
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The Queen was given three stitches in her left hand after
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being bitten on the knuckle by a Royal Corgi, a Buckingham Palace
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spokesman said yesterday.
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The incident occurred at Windsor Castle, west of London, on
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Sunday, as she tried to break up a fight among 10 corgis.
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Royal Chauffeur Mr. John Collins was also bitten when he
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rushed to her aid.
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Two of the corgie involved in the incident at the weekend
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also belonged to the Queen Mother, but she was not present.
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Two years ago one of the Queen's dogs was killed by a pack
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led by the Queen Mother's corgie Ranger.
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============================================================================
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From the Columbus Dispatch, 27 April 1991:
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A series of fast-food restaurant commericals starring a disembodied,
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talking head named Bob is getting raves from the advertising industry. Some
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parents, however, have complained to Krystal Co. that Bob appears off screen
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in their children's nightmares.
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The complaints are so few, Krystal said, & the praise so great that the
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Chattanooga-based hamburger chain is going ahead with the campaign.
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Advertising Age magazine has given the new TV ad campaign 3 out of a
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possible 4 stars. In the TV ads, Bob the head extols the virtues of the
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restaurant chain while perched in a variety of locales, including a pickup
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truck bed, a front lawn, a henhouse & a Krystal grill. The commercials end
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with the tag line "Head to Krystal." Krystal officials report that some
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parents have complained that the campaign, which began this month in some
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markets, frightens their children.
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Krystal spokesman Mark Williams said the complaints had been few & that
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Bob soon would be seen in most of Krystal's market areas. "It wasn't
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intended to be scary," Williams said. "It was intended more as a fantasy
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character."
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. . . Despite the irreverent tone of the ads, Krystal officials said
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they embraced the high-concept campaign immediately. "Humor has always been
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a big part of our advertising focus," Williams said.
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============================================================================
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South China Morning Post - 28 February 1991
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_Rats Take on a Tasty Role_
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Rats have made the menu in Guangzhou [a province in China],
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the official _Economic Information Daily_ newspaper said
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yesterday.
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The mouse and rat meat - selling for up to 25 yuan [US$4.75]
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per kilogram - can be served simmered, roasted, stewed, smoked,
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deep fried or stir-fried.
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The newspaper suggested that appreciation of the delicacy
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should spread throughout the land as a way of reducing the
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population of pests.
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"Eating rats can open up a new supply of meat, turning a
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harm into a benefit," it said.
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Suggested recipes included asparagus fried with rat and rat
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steamed with lotus leaves.
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============================================================================
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From: VAX001::SCHROEDER "Lemur Fun Kit (TM)" 7-MAY-1991 09:37:39.35
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To: LARA MICHAEL RICHARD
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CC: JEFFE ADLERJ
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Subj: "Is that an ancient pagoda, or are you happy to see me?"
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_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 1 May 1991
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_Erected On High_
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Tourist authorities in China yesterday confirmed the existence of a
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giant representation of Buddha formed by some hills at Leshan, in Sichuan
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province.
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But they are embarrassed about the position of a tall, angular
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pagoda on the site.
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The image of a Buddha lying on his back was first spotted in May
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1989 when Pan Hongzhong, 62, a tourist from Foshan in Guangdong,
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developed his holiday snaps.
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Many people thought the discovery was a publicity stunt to attract
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tourists to Sichuan.
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But after more than a year of research, the _China Daily_ reported
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yesterday the official version: the recumbent Buddha is an accident of
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nature, with human help.
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About the embarrassingly placed protuberance, the _China Daily_
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reports: "An ancient pagoda on top of the hills that form the lower part of
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the Buddha's body, makes it appear manly."
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Very delicately put.
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============================================================================
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Letters To The Editor:
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[Personal Problems]
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I have a friend, let's call her BoB. Recently, she has discovered small
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bumps, or nodules under her skin. The first one was on her upper left arm.
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Last week she found one on the back of her neck. I asked her about anything
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strange lately, and she said, "Yeah. I blacked out while driving from a
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top secret government base last month. Could that have anything to do with
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it?"
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I think so, but I'm not an expert. I was hoping someone out there is....
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Desperately waiting a reply,
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Donn
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===========================================================================
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[Somebody LOVES us!]
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From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 23-APR-1991 09:32:15.75
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To: STEVENSJ
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Subj: and this as well
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From: rjohnson%vela.acs.oakland.edu (R o d Johnson)
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Subject: Re: fnord
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To: eiverson%nmsu.edu
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Date: Mon, 22 Apr 91 23:46:17 EDT
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In-Reply-To: <9104230331.AA13359@NMSU.Edu>; from "eiverson@NMSU.Edu" at Apr
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22, 91 9:31 pm
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X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.3 PL6]
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> Oh, and I suppose the debate on the difference between "instantly" and
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> "instantaneously" is of the highest scientific importance. What about
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> that quest for the plural of "aquarium"?
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No, it's not. But at least it's not the usual cabal of net wankers
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chattering to each other. My beef is not with the query per se, but
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with the whole free-floating apparatus of Discordian weenies that
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wafts through newsgroup after newsgroup like the after-effects of a
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bad Mexican meal.
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> As a linguist and researcher
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> in NLP, it is my professional opinion that the term sci.lang is an
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> oxymoron.
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That's nice. Now what?
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> Chill out! Get some slack!
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Yes, that's the cabal of net wankers I'm referring to, exactly.
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> Don't take the group so
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> seriously.
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That's the whole problem. I dearly wish I *could* take it seriously,
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but all my colleagues abandon it after a couple tries with sickened
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looks on their faces. I keep quitting myself, but every couple months
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I check in and try again. Maybe I'm just stupid.
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> And never *never* insult Pope Jeoffe....
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No offense, Eric; you seem like a good guy. But *fuck* Pope Jeoffe.
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Guys like him have alt.slack and alt.stupidity for their own little
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playpens. Fine. But regardless of what you think about sci.lang, it
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*just isn't the place* for his sort of involuted, masturbatory
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cleverness.
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The original request was crossposted to three absolutely unrelated
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groups. It's minimal politeness to set followups or at least watch
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the Newsgroups: line. Since Pope Jeoffe couldn't be bothered, I lent
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a hand.
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R
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==========================================================================
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>From: TSIMPSON%SMITH.BITNET@mitvma.mit.edu
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>Subject: taking me off your people list
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>To: "FAUVAX::BARKER"@SERVAX.fiu.edu
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>Message-id: <7E5701D800DF20167E@SMITH>
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>X-Envelope-to: "FAUVAX::BARKER"@SERVAX.fiu.edu
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>X-VMS-To: IN%"'FAUVAX::BARKER'@SERVAX.fiu.edu"
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>
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>hi hi...
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> something you might, or might not find amusing. smith college has
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>decided that i am in dire need of psychiatric treatment and is sending
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>me home. they won't let me out of the infirmary, but i convinced them
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>to let me out to get some on-line notes i needed to take an exam. take
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>me off your list at this address. i will write to you from west virginia
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>where i am fleeing to promptly. i will no longer be receiving mail at
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>this address.
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> ta!
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> st. tif of the bloody pinking shears
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> guardian of OTISian vengeance
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[Mal and I have talked it over and have decided that a: going to Smith would
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be enough to drive anyone crazy and b: this is obviously the first
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rumbelings of a VAST conspiracy against the OTISian faith, so it's probably
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time to let the lawyers back out of the closet. Well, they can PUT our most
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violent of Saints, so far, anywhere THEY want. We're not about to loose
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faith. Had we any followers in West Virginia, we'd be moblizing them right
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now to help with the situation. As it stands we send our hopes and prayers
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(although no cash, because she didn't pay us back last time, now did she...)
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with her, and wish her the best. Finally, I, as Pope, hearby confer the
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title, of "Living Marter" on saint Tiff (she is the faith's second living
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Martyr, after the Grand Vizer of the Brown Bucket, who sacrificed himself to
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Kenyon security forces) for putting up with Smith's harassment. She is now
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St. Tiff the Living Martyr of the Bloody Pinking Shears.]
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============================================================================
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[Soon to die in a mysterious boating accident...]
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From: benno@crash.cts.com (Benno Eichmann)
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Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.activism,alt.censorship
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Subject: Are many influetials or Judges in America Masonic members?
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Message-ID: <8919@crash.cts.com>
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Date: 29 Apr 91 10:17:58 GMT
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Organization: Crash TimeSharing, El Cajon, CA
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As the subject says, I'm curious
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if there is any basis for many key
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figures in our society being Masons as
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are associated with various local Masonic
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order lodges/groups.
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I wonder how many court Justices are
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33rd degree Masons? Also, what would
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set any Justice or person of a lower degree
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apart from one of a 33rd degree level
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in terms of special rights/knowledge etc.?
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============================================================================
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[Those Fropheads... what guys...]
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I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man who had no
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slack. So I KONKED him on the head with my pipe and stole his shoes
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since he was a pink conspirator after all. Who was he to have no slack
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and have shoes. And it was good. And we were good. And they were
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good. Even Julie from The Mod Squad was good. And the man was slackjawed,
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which was close enough for me. FOR NOW.
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--
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Pete_Bob Apple Sequent Computer Systems
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petebob@sequent.com, sequent!petebob 15450 S.W. Koll Parkway
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Bob is not just a name.. Beaverton, Oregon 97006
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It's a way of life.. (503) 626-5700
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============================================================================
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From: VAX001::WINS%"<bwdavies@rodan.acs.syr.edu>" 6-MAY-1991 12:59:25.65
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To: STEVENSJ
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Subj: Birthday
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Just so everyone knows, I'm _23_ today. Heh-heh.
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TSD
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==========================================================================
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[Williams College... Stranger than we are?]
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From: VAX001::WINS%"<94CRR@vax.cc.williams.edu>" 24-APR-1991 15:01:14.79
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To: HILLV
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Subj: You did, I'm afraid,..
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Say central Ohio was dull. Well, we had perspectives here today, and
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many silly things happened. A tour went through the mail room, a senior
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opened his box, screamed, yelled "I can't take the pressure" and jumped out
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the window. The mail room is on the first floor and he did a nice roll on
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the sidewalk out side. Scared many a parent, but the students loved it.
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We are also planning on ambushing tours for the rest of the year, as they
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will be very small. Should be fun.
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OTIS sounds very, very, interesting. possibly even more creative than
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we were. wish I could have seen it.
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
OTISIAN RANTS
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
(in which everything worth knowing about absolutely everything will be
|
|
revealed!)
|
|
|
|
To start us off, a bit of a rant....
|
|
|
|
[Lost the headers for this one... but the rant's curteousy of "Puzzlin'
|
|
Evidence", a VERY strange man....]
|
|
|
|
It thrills me.
|
|
We can build a nation within a nation right where we are.
|
|
The choice is yours.
|
|
|
|
I'm not a joiner.
|
|
I'm not a member of the John Birch Society or the communist party.
|
|
But let's look at what's happened to the national morals since World
|
|
War II. The movies and TV are filled with characters I don't even want
|
|
to know, at least in this life.
|
|
We lost the Vietnam War. The farmer's in trouble. The small businessman's
|
|
in trouble. Unemployment is skyrocketing. Texas is STILL paying for
|
|
John F. Kennedy's assasination.
|
|
|
|
Now let's look at who's been running this country sice World War II.
|
|
THEY.
|
|
Have some Involvement in all these things.
|
|
|
|
What is the link ? What do cars have to do with books, you might ask.
|
|
The Tri-lateral commission with the Council on Foreign Relations - you
|
|
ever hear of them ? Well, neither did I, until I noticed the
|
|
CHAIN OF COINCIDENCE.
|
|
|
|
THEY.
|
|
Have members on the boards of all the major corporations. Not one
|
|
detail has been left out. Am I right? Do you feel it? Do you know
|
|
what Bobby Ray Inman was doing before he was running the Microelectronics
|
|
and Computertech corporations? Well, guess! A CIA director! It's
|
|
public knowledge!
|
|
|
|
Do you run out of Kleenex, paper towels and toilet paper at the
|
|
SAME TIME? You know it's true!!
|
|
|
|
You know how the governor campaigned to get the FCC here? Do you know what
|
|
their goal is?
|
|
Well, Elvis did. Artificial Intelligence. Huh! Robots.
|
|
|
|
Oh, they'd like that, wouldn't they. Yes sir, sleep sleeeeep. One and one
|
|
does not equal two. No sir, no sir, silicon gulch.
|
|
Silicon prarie.
|
|
Silicon hills.
|
|
Silicon valley.
|
|
|
|
It's late. It's laaaate.
|
|
============================================================================
|
|
[A public Service anouncement. Don't you do anything illegal with the
|
|
numbers at the end... From here to the end of this one, the comments in
|
|
brackets are NOT mine...]
|
|
Friend of mine brought me this leaflet from McDonald's. (Ronald
|
|
McDonald Children's Charities (R) is one of the sponsors of the
|
|
cartoon.) There's actually a lot of good stuff in here, but moreso
|
|
a lot of new myths that will wear out the efficacy of anti-abuse
|
|
education when and if the children start to develop some capacity
|
|
for independent thinking.
|
|
---
|
|
|
|
Don't miss the re-broadcast of the 1990 anti-substance abuse special
|
|
that attracted the largest Saturday morning TV audience ever!
|
|
|
|
'Toon In With Your Kids!
|
|
|
|
...and watch as 9-year-old Corey and a host of animated all-stars
|
|
leap into action to save her older brother Michael from "Smoke,"
|
|
the villain who is tempting Michael with drugs. It's an adventure
|
|
sure to entertain your kids, and also teach them the realities of
|
|
drug and alcohol abuse.
|
|
|
|
[Picture of a vampiric "Smoke" learing over Michael's shoulder, with
|
|
Corey tugging at his side. Marijuana smokers are possessed, just like
|
|
epileptics and homosexuals.]
|
|
|
|
Drugs Are No Laughing Matter
|
|
|
|
It's hard to believe, but many children are exposed to drugs as early
|
|
as the 4th grade. That's why the Cartoon All-Stars have joined forces
|
|
to teach your children at an early age.
|
|
|
|
As a parent, you are the most important part of the All-Star Team.
|
|
By watching and discussing the program as a family you'll help your
|
|
kids understand why drug use is bad news.
|
|
|
|
Before The Show
|
|
|
|
Start a dialogue with your shildren to find out what they already know
|
|
about drug and alcohol abuse. How do they feel about it? As you
|
|
prepare to discuss this subject, remember these hints:
|
|
|
|
* BE A GOOD LISTENER. Pay attention to what your children are _not_
|
|
saying as well. And don't end the discussion if you hear something
|
|
you don't like. [Until they catch on and only tell you the things
|
|
you do like to hear.]
|
|
|
|
* GIVE LOTS OF PRAISE. Emphasize the positive in your children to
|
|
help them feel good about themselves, and develop the self-confidence
|
|
to say no to drugs. [People use drugs because they feel bad about
|
|
themselves. If they don't feel bad, then we have piss tests and jail
|
|
cells to make them feel bad.]
|
|
|
|
* GIVE CLEAR MESSAGES. Make sure your children know exactly what
|
|
your family standards are.
|
|
|
|
After The Show
|
|
|
|
Ask your kids to tell you about the story in their own words. What
|
|
did they think of Michael, Corey and Smoke? Discuss some of the
|
|
common myths that can lead to drug abuse, like:
|
|
|
|
* DRUGS SOLVE PROBLEMS. Wrong. Did Michael's problems disappear
|
|
when he started using drugs? Or did they get worse? Remember that
|
|
everyone feels down once in a while -- it's part of growing up --
|
|
but drugs are no solution.
|
|
|
|
* DRUGS MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD. Not really. Think about Michael's
|
|
roller coaster ride. What was happening to his body then? Do you
|
|
think he was having fun? Michael learned that drugs may make you
|
|
feel good at first, but they actually leave you feeling worse than
|
|
ever. ["Roller coasters make you feel good at first, but they
|
|
actually leave you feeling worse than ever."]
|
|
|
|
* DRUGS ARE GIVEN TO YOU BY "FRIENDS." What did Michael's friends
|
|
do when they heard the police siren? Were they being good friends to
|
|
Michael? People who offer you drugs are _not_ good friends. A real
|
|
friend doesn't dare encourage you to harm yourself. [Or feed you
|
|
demonizing propoganda like this.]
|
|
|
|
* I WON'T BECOME ADDICTED. Not necessarily. Drug addiction sneaks
|
|
up on users, and _anyone_ can become dependent. Some drugs are
|
|
addictive right away, while others become habit-forming slowly. Do
|
|
you think Michael was addicted? If he wasn't, what made him steal
|
|
Corey's piggy bank?
|
|
|
|
* USING DRUGS IS COOL. No way. Drug users may appear to be cool and
|
|
in control, but often they're covering up insecurities and problems
|
|
from schoolwork to home life. Some kids use drugs to try to fit in.
|
|
Did Michael fit in better once he started using drugs? Or was his
|
|
life more out of control?
|
|
|
|
How To Say No
|
|
|
|
Your chldren have learned from Michael, Corey and the Cartoon All-Stars
|
|
that using drugs is a big mistake. But it's still not easy to say no,
|
|
especially when "friends" encourage them to try alcohol and other drugs.
|
|
Peer pressure can lead a child to try drugs despite knowing the dangers.
|
|
[Even worse if they tend to disbelieve the dangers because they've gotten
|
|
so much dumb propoganda like this.]
|
|
|
|
Discuss the concept of peer pressure with your kids. Do they know what
|
|
it is and how to deal with it? Do they know how to say no? It may
|
|
be helpful to review with your kids some of the ways the All-Stars
|
|
said NO to drugs in their song.
|
|
|
|
Now On With The Show!
|
|
|
|
Tune in Saturday, April 20, 1991
|
|
Appearing on: NBC, FOX, UNIVISION, BET, TELEMNUNDO and hundreds
|
|
of cable and indepdnent stations
|
|
(Check local TV listings for additional broadcast information
|
|
|
|
That's Not All Folks
|
|
|
|
It's not always fun or easy to discuss substance abuse with your
|
|
children, especially if you suspect a problem in your family. If
|
|
you need more suggestions on how to deal with this topic here are
|
|
some additional resources:
|
|
Just Say No International
|
|
800-258-2766
|
|
National Federation of Parents For Drug Free Youth
|
|
314-968-1322
|
|
National Parents' Resource Institute For Drug Education
|
|
800-677-7433
|
|
...
|
|
Sincere Thanks To...
|
|
The Academy of Television Arts & Science Foundation, Alien Productions,
|
|
Bagdasarian Productions, Columbia Picture TV, DIC, Walt Disney Co.,
|
|
Film Roman, Hanna Barbera, Marvel Productions, Murakami Wolf Swenson,
|
|
Warner Brothers, and participating television networks and stations.
|
|
|
|
For information write:
|
|
"Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue"
|
|
McDonald's Drug Education
|
|
P.P. Box 11189
|
|
Chicago, IL 60611
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------
|
|
An aside:
|
|
Someone's going to spray the word "alone" in those new billboards we have
|
|
on the West Coast that say "Don't do drugs, find a friend."
|
|
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
|
|
Wayne Tvedt cthulhu@ucscf.ucsc.edu
|
|
..!ucbvax!ucscc!{ucscb,ucscf}!cthulhu
|
|
"Drugs! Yuck!" -- Scooby Doo, 1990
|
|
=========================================================================
|
|
[The official Purps Instruction manual, [TM]]
|
|
|
|
READ THIS FIRST ===============
|
|
|
|
Congratulations. You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give
|
|
you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you will
|
|
undoubtly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which
|
|
is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
|
|
CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU?
|
|
YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE
|
|
KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE
|
|
INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD
|
|
ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE
|
|
DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
|
|
|
|
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always
|
|
getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer
|
|
inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these
|
|
instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with
|
|
dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:
|
|
|
|
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE. The device is encased in foam to protect it from
|
|
the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing
|
|
boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S
|
|
ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE
|
|
SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES. Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is
|
|
her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, it now seriously
|
|
considering backing out on the whole thing inasmuch as he had consumed most
|
|
of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the
|
|
question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if
|
|
you get our drift.
|
|
|
|
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE
|
|
PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If you
|
|
attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single
|
|
peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by
|
|
Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.
|
|
|
|
Besides the device, the box should contain:
|
|
|
|
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
|
|
|
|
* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
|
|
club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
|
|
|
|
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
|
|
|
|
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
|
|
spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that
|
|
can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major
|
|
transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."
|
|
|
|
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
|
|
|
|
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE: The plug on this device represents the latest
|
|
thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a
|
|
continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical
|
|
current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug,
|
|
then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is
|
|
equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small
|
|
Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN] Lay it
|
|
gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it
|
|
weekly with a damp handkerchief.
|
|
|
|
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP
|
|
OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS
|
|
THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
|
|
|
|
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE. WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE
|
|
DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE
|
|
MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY
|
|
PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT
|
|
DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
|
|
|
|
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that:
|
|
NEVER to hold these buttons two times]] Except the battery. Next taking the
|
|
(something) earth section may cause a large occurrence] However. If this is
|
|
not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintainence action, as a kindly
|
|
(something) virepoint from Drawing B.
|
|
|
|
4. WARRANTY: Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not
|
|
excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all
|
|
defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday
|
|
afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no
|
|
charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge
|
|
from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil
|
|
spirits.
|
|
This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.
|
|
|
|
WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS
|
|
"SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
|
|
============================================================================
|
|
From: VAX001::WINS%"djm1@Ra.MsState.Edu" 3-MAY-1991 07:25:25.62
|
|
To: BEEBA
|
|
Subj: humor99
|
|
|
|
A Grim Sunday Morning In Church
|
|
|
|
Dear Friend of Life,
|
|
|
|
I am enclosing this bag of guinea pig droppings in the hopes that you
|
|
will join me at this crucial time in the crusade to save the lives of
|
|
unborn babies.
|
|
|
|
Did you know that under the right laboratory conditions, scientists
|
|
can alter the DNA structure of guinea pig droppings? Theoretically,
|
|
these droppings could be altered until they become exactly the same
|
|
as a single-celled united human egg and sperm, that is, exactly the
|
|
same as a human child. Under the right conditions, these droppings
|
|
could become a human being, and you and I both know, with the
|
|
miraculous advances being made by science, that someday the technology
|
|
will exist to do just that.
|
|
|
|
Are we going to wait until science shows us a way to turn these
|
|
potential unborn babies into real unborn children before we start
|
|
working to protect their rights? Every time just one of these
|
|
droppings decays into dirt, a potential human being has died. Think
|
|
about it!
|
|
|
|
I'm sure you will agree that guinea pig droppings have no voice in our
|
|
society, and that it takes Christians of conscience like you and me to
|
|
speak up in their defense and to remind people that all potential
|
|
human life comes from God.
|
|
|
|
Won't you take pity on the plight of these potential children and send
|
|
me money right now? Today. It could be years before the Supreme
|
|
Court decides to rule in favor of these helpless children. We must
|
|
act now.
|
|
|
|
How? We must begin by recommending guinea pig dropping-control
|
|
devices to Randall Terry, Jerry Falwell, Oral Roberts, and other
|
|
self-proclaimed spokespeople for God. Every time one of these people
|
|
asks for money or utters a pious phrase on behalf of the Lord, he is
|
|
adding to the guinea pig droppings in our culture and hence to
|
|
potential human life which will never see the light of day. Although
|
|
these people are all against such preventative measures as the guinea
|
|
pig dropping mouth condom or the guinea pig dropping pill, we must
|
|
persuade them that it is better to avoid creating guinea pig droppings
|
|
than to murder them after they already exist. Every time one of their
|
|
colleagues gets caught in the sex act (like Jimmy Swaggart or Jim
|
|
Bakker) more of their droppings die of attrition. Tammy should know!
|
|
|
|
Won't you please give us your heartfelt support? Your pledge of just
|
|
$10 per month will help greatly in our fight for this great cause.
|
|
Remember, millions of guinea pig droppings (that is potential human
|
|
beings) die every day. We pray that you'll find it in your heart to
|
|
join this great cause.
|
|
|
|
For Life,
|
|
|
|
|
|
G.P. Crank
|
|
============================================================================
|
|
[Him again]
|
|
Subject: It's Womp-Womp-A-Delicious(TM)
|
|
Message-ID: <1991May5.050813.21535@world.std.com>
|
|
Date: 5 May 91 05:08:13 GMT
|
|
Organization: Emerson College (Boston), formerly RPI (Troy, NY)
|
|
Lines: 18
|
|
|
|
So this old man's Hair Club for Men(TM) implants grow into his brain
|
|
and then he falls and can't get up but his Clapper(TM) is interfering
|
|
with his LifeCall(TM) and so while he's lying there helpless a few seeds
|
|
fall off his Chia Pet(TM) and land in his mouth and he swallows them and
|
|
they sprout and he turns green and then his head explodes.
|
|
|
|
The irony is that he never gets double his money back from the
|
|
Clapper(TM) people.
|
|
|
|
It's true, it happened to a lover of a guy I hate who knows Milton
|
|
Berle's ex-cabdriver.
|
|
|
|
--
|
|
James "Kibo" Parry kibo@rpi.edu
|
|
132 Beacon St. #213, Boston, MA 02116
|
|
(617) 262-3922
|
|
===============================================================
|
|
OTHER RANTS
|
|
===============================================================
|
|
(in which absolutely nothing will be revealed at all)
|
|
|
|
From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 7-MAY-1991 12:46:44.06
|
|
To: STEVENSJ
|
|
Subj: You've got your government cheese now you've got your cookies
|
|
|
|
Message-ID: <19072@sdcc6.ucsd.edu>
|
|
Date: 7 May 91 02:36:05 GMT
|
|
Sender: news@sdcc6.ucsd.edu
|
|
Organization: University of California, San Diego
|
|
Lines: 34
|
|
|
|
|
|
My boss is convinced that this is true...However, it smacks of UL to me!
|
|
|
|
It turns out that during the height of the Cold War...The US Government
|
|
contracted for a company to create something akin to 'war rations' that
|
|
could be distributed to the masses in the event of food shortages as a
|
|
result of a nuclear holocaust.
|
|
The developed 'staple food' was something akin to an oreo cookie (...Or
|
|
perhaps they were Oreos, and the government contracted Nabisco to make tons
|
|
'o' Oreos for the same purpose, my memory is fuzzy, as this story was told
|
|
to me some time ago...)
|
|
In any case, apparently the government has warehouses filled with hundreds
|
|
of thousands of tons of these little delights (Still left over from the
|
|
50s-60s), which are either toxic/gone bad/or too expensive
|
|
to dispose of...So there is no immediate plan to destroy these treats, and
|
|
the primary function of some abandoned desert military bases are solely
|
|
to store cookies!
|
|
Wow! I love this story...Has anybody heard any variations on this story?
|
|
Any verifications
|
|
___________________________________________________________________
|
|
----- Kendrick Kelly, aka Captain Biggles
|
|
------------- University of California, San Diego
|
|
----------------- email: kkelly@ucsd.edu.sdcc13
|
|
============================================================================
|
|
From: halcyon!elf@seattleu.edu (Elf Sternberg)
|
|
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban,rec.arts.tv,talk.rumors,talk.bizarre
|
|
Subject: Procter and Gamble and the Church of Satan ?
|
|
Message-ID: <2waB21w164w@halcyon.uucp>
|
|
|
|
|
|
I found this at work recently:
|
|
|
|
"The president of Proctor & Gamble appeared on the Phil Donahue
|
|
show on Friday, March 1, 1991. He announced that due to the openness of
|
|
our society, he was going to come out of the closet about his association
|
|
with the church of Satan [sic]. He stated that _a_large_portion_of_the_
|
|
profit_for_the_PROCTOR_&_GAMBLE_PRODUCTS_goes_to_the_support_of_the_church
|
|
of_Satan [sic]. When asked by Mr. Donahue if stating this on television
|
|
would hurt his business, he replied ''THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH CHRISTIANS IN
|
|
THE UNITED STATES TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.''"
|
|
|
|
This was followed by a list of P&G products and a call for a
|
|
boycott, with the following comment: "If you are not sure about a
|
|
product, look for the symbol of the Ram's Horns which will appear on each
|
|
product beginning in April. The Ram's Horns will for the number _666_
|
|
which is known as Satan's number. Certain P&G products are from an
|
|
enourmous backstock and the symbol will not appear for quite a while."
|
|
|
|
It's now the beginning of May. Nobody in my house has seen any
|
|
of this nonsense, and I hardly take it seriously. So... Has anybody else
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seen the "Ram's Horns?" Better yet, can anybody tell me if they saw the
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verdammit episode, and what did they see?
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And, finally, should I mail this little flyer to P&G or Donahue?
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I smell a lawsuit brewing.
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Elf !! ? (Infinite curiosity brewing in our brains...)
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============================================================================
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LAST WORD!
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[I couldn't think of anything more appropreiate to end my editorship with
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than a good recipe for chocolate chip cookies. Enjoy!]
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NEIMAN-MARCUS' CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
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Last November, a friend had lunch at Neiman-Marcus' "The Hedges" restaurant
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in Dallas, Texas. For dessert, she ordered some of their famous chocolate
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chip cookies. As usual, she thought that they were the best cookies that
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she had ever tasted. When the waiter returned, she asked if the recipe was
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|
available.
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He said it was, for the price of "two-fifty". She said "Great!" and asked
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that it be added to her store charge. A month later, when her statement
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|
arrived, she noticed a charge of $250 on her bill. She called Neiman-Marcus
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|
and told them that there was only "$2.50". Unfortunately, Neiman-Marcus
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assured her that the amount was correct.
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As a result, she has vowed to get back at them. It is now her goal to make
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sure that as many people as possible have this recipe. Her only request is
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|
that each person that receives it passes it on to every interested person
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they know.
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2 cups of butter 1 teaspoon of salt
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2 cups of sugar 2 teaspoons of baking powder
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2 cups of brown sugar 2 teaspoons of baking soda
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4 eggs 24 oz. of chocolate chips
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2 teaspoons of vanilla 1 8oz. Hershey bar, grated
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4 cups of flour 3 cups of chopped nuts
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5 cups of blended oatmeal*
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*Blended oateal: measure and blend in a blender to a fine powder.
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Cream butter, add both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla. Mix together with
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flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and baking soda. Add chips, candy bar
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and nuts. Roll into ball shape and place 2" apart on a cookie sheet. Bake
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for 6-10 minutes at 375 degress F.
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Yield: 112 cookies. The recipe can also be divided in half.
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============================================================================
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[And a little known fact [TM]]
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Researchers at Georgia Tech paid volunteers $15 to tumble down a flight of
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stairs as part of a project to find out how a body falls.
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________________________________________________________________
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE ISSUE # 20
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----------------------------------------------------------------
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Neither censored nor edited. Deal.
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