791 lines
38 KiB
Plaintext
791 lines
38 KiB
Plaintext
"Nothing is Sacred As Long As I Have Access to Pen and Paper"PJI
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 17
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================================================================
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"Kenyon's Very Own Non Alien Run REPLIES TO: STEVENSJ
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Electronic Magazine" INTERNET: "Stevensj@VAX001.Kenyon.edu"
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* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
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*** P P U U R R P P S
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***** P P U U R R P P S
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******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
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********* P U U R R P S
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*********** P U U R RR P S
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***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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* **** *
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*** *** ***
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**** * *****
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************************************
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****************************************
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************************************
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**** ***** *****
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*** ***** ***
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* ***** *
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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***********
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*********
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*******
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*****
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***
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*
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________________________________________________________________
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SOMETHING WHICH MIGHT, IN THE CORRECT FRAME OF MIND, LOOK SORT OF
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LIKE A TABLE OF CONTENTS
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Introduction: Welcome to the "Crisis in Education" issue-- the
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LAST theme issue of this magazine for 12,000 miles...
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Letters to the Editor: Is Rob Schroeder God?, Is Zeck's friend
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for real? More!
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News: The Moon Scheduled to Fall to Earth, Mom's an Alien, the Curse of Dif-
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frent Strokes! More!
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OTISian Rants: Grads with guns!, The Twin Peaks drinking game!,
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get despondent!, MORE!
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Other Rants: A One Time Only Offer
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Last Word!
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----------------------------------------------------------------
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INTRODUCTION
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("Politics have no place in the classroom"-- B. Mussolini)
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What, you live in a cave? Anyone with eyes or ears is aware
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of the current trends in education, the fierce battle over
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ingrained liberalism, the imminent demise of the classics, the
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ousting of good solid courses on western culture with women's
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studies, all of that stuff. What, haven't you read Milo Bloom,
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whose breath-taking 112 page treatise is now even admitted by its
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critics to be "the last dying wail of the white man"? Well, get
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with it. There's a battle on. Higher education, and hence the
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very fabric of society itself, is crumbling to ashes!
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Purps, of course, could care less.
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Or we did, at least, until just last month, when, as many of
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you are aware, a tragic event on this campus gave the
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intellectual debate new relevance. For our internet readers, the
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grisly incident started during a guest lectureship on Pornography
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in Art, when the lecturer made a nasty comment about the relative
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merits of the works of Dostoyevsky. From the back rows an as yet unidentified
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heckler spoke up.
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"'Existentialist nihilist drivel'? 'EXISTENTIALIST NIHILIST
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DRIVEL'? Look you balding aging mangy old academic fart, you
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just be CAREFUL what you say about my man D.!"
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The guest lecturer was later found face down out side his
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eight-four dodge pinto. He had been worked over with a baseball
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bat. The car was covered with pro Russian author graffiti, and
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quotations from the Brothers K. scrawled in spray paint.
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So began the reign of the now infamous "Dostoyevsky Corps",
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a roaming gang of Academic thugs, who, until just this week, when
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they were finally brought to justice after a seven hour gun
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battle with McMahon's Minions (the Kenyon College Security Force-
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- so named because of the college presidents legendary
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resemblance to Ed McMahon), roamed the Kenyon campus using
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guerilla tactics and the threat of violence to ensure that "our
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man D." was never given a bad name. And so began Kenyon's
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"Nightmare on the Magic Mountain", when reactionary Professors
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armed themselves "in defence" with AK 47s and hand grenades, when
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the Philosophy depart experienced a bloody ideological war during
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which a debate on Kant quickly turned into a knife fight, and
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when all of the professors and staff suddenly, dangerously,
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started taking their academic beliefs as seriously as their
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politics.
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Now that the dust has somewhat settled (and our President
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has repealed the "Tarnished Academic Image" forbidding any satire
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of events at this most beloved institution), this issue of Purps
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stands as a memorial to those trying times, and to the alarming
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state of education in this country in general.
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DISCLAIMER:
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"Purps" is a work of fiction, sprinkled only occasionally
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with deliberately misleading fact. Any resemblance
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between real characters living or dead is therefore
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completely my fault.
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-------------------------
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Letters to the Editor
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[This is totally unconfirmed]
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From: VAX001::SCHROEDER "Lemur Fun Kit(TM)"
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Subj: Hah!Toldyouso!
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From: VAX001::GRINKER3-APR-199113:01:41.72
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To: SCHROEDER
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Subj: schroeder
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Rob is a god. He has all the right features. Praise him.
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---------------------------------------------------------------
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From: VAX001::WINS%"WICKER@cl.UH.EDU" 4-APR-1991 17:21:40.12
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To: ZECCHIN
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Subj: Boy, am I GLAD to hear from you!!!
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Heya zeck man!
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I was thinking about you the other day! (no, I'm not lying!)...
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I was thinking about PURPS #1 thru #5 that you sent me that I
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still have on diskette (downloaded), and feeling really guilty
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that I was taking so long to read them, but knowing that my life
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had been a living-hell for the past few months and that I
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couldn't dedicate myself to them completely (as I know a true
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purps lover/addict should do!), and then realizing that I didn't
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know where I had put that diskette and not having the nerve to
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ask you to send them again -- anyway -- I ran across a diskette
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T-O-D-A-Y (of all days to hear from you - this is karma or
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something psychic or something) and this diskette had purps #10
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on it. No one was in the office at the time so I thought "I'm
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going to peruse this thing right NOW - and I did - and I LOVED IT
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and now I'm HOOKED -- and in the midst of all of this warm-fuzzy
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feeling I had this great vision and I suddenly KNEW where the
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other disk with the other purps were (picture angelic voices
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singing 'ahhhh' in the background and yellow light streaming down
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upon me!!!! -- yes, that is what it was like. I was so happy.
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And now to get purps #16 -- wait -- this is too much to handle
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all in one day...I think I'm going to get emotional...nah!!!
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I can't wait to backtrack and figure out what OTISians are and
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Spode and.... and....and....
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I hope the Pope's birthday celebration was fun. I did a
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goose-step in his honor-----oh, wait a minute - that was Hitler.
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Never mind.
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It was a Pope party wasn't it??? (I was reading kinda fast).
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Man, you Kenyonites sure know how to have a good time.
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You had written me a message AGES ago and started talking to me
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about art and artists and I never wrote you back. I'm sorry.
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I'm a shithead. Now I have to go back and look at that message
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and try to reply to it. My e-mail manners really
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bite-the-big-one, sorry!
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Keep those purps and letters coming, zeck!
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Beverly
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(wicker@cl.uh.edu)
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_______
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News
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-------
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PURPS.STUFF-- THE BANQUET OF THE GODS REPLETE WITH LIVE
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ENTERTAINMENT IS THIS WEDNESDAY AT 5:00pm SHARP in GUND. Formal
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Attire requested, if not dress up a little, huh? This is
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culture. Dine in a formal atmosphere whilst munching on ARA
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food. Confuse friends and enemies alike! Make small talk about
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the servants! Tell us about your latest multi-million dollar
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deal! Discuss the finer points of Opera! Enjoy the candlelight
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and live violinist! Help us bring some CLASS back to Gund!
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LIBATIONS FOR OTIS! COME GET DRUNK AND POOR WINE ON THINGS AT
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8:00PM THIS SATURDAY! SEE LIVE ELEPHANTS AND "STRETCHO" THE
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HUMAN TRAMPOLINE! THRILL TO THE WONDERFUL NATIVE DANCES AND
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ACROBATICS! Well, no.. but PARTICIPATE IN A GENUINE OTISIAN
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RITUAL TO PLACATE OTIS WHILST DODGING SECURITY! LOTS OF FUN!
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The OTISian New Year's Celebration was a hell of a good time, by
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the way. 20 or 30 at different times, with a good solid crowd of
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about ten. Learn just how good it was by interviewing the
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residents of Mather. Just don't tell 'em you were associated
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with it and duck when they reach for their shoes. I understand
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that the noise makers are still being used. Cut it out.
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OTHER NEWS:
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[For those of you who thought Americans were in trouble because of their
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poor grip on geography... a little reminder that other country's have a
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loose grasp on reality, too...]
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From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 26-MAR-1991 11:31:32.55
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Subj: my mommie is an alien
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From: mnelson@cbnewsl.att.com (michael.c.nelson)
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Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors
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Subject: It's true, it happened....
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Reply-To: rmoonen@hvlpa.att.com
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Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories
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First off, I'm posting this for a friend of mine, so please respond
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via email to: rmoonen@hvlpa.att.com or to his newsgroup....
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------------------------------------------------------------------
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In The Netherlands the following appeared in the newspaper:
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Boy attacks his alien mother.
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While believing that his mother was an alien, an 18 year old boy attacked
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his mother with a knife. The boy had believed his mother was an alien for
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the past couple of years. He thought she was out to take over the world.
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To stop her in this, he tried to kill her with a knife. When he failed
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in his attempt, he came home muttering "Damn, it didn't work, I'll have
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to try it again". After that his mother went to the police and had her
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son arrested. He will be treated by a psychiatrist. The boy was described
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as a "paranoid schizophrenic"
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Have people read about Dana Plato, former child actress on 'Diff'rent
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strokes'? Arrested for robbing a video store.
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She is the second victim of the curse of `Diff'rent strokes'.
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The first was her co-star Todd Bridges, who was convicted of murder and
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drug dealing.
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A source close to Gary Coleman spoke on the condition that he remain
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anonymous, "Gary is extremely upset about Todd and Dana. Friends are
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keeping a 24-hour-a-day suicide watch on him."
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The mystery of Plato's arrest deepened when a couple unknown to Ms.
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Plato attempted to bail her out. Tony and Beverly DeMarco offered
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$13,000 in bail, but Ms. Plato refused it. Her attorney, Paul Fitzgerald
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is quoted as saying, "She was all upset. Her concern now is that not
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knowing these people who are doing this type of thing, what are their
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motives? She's a wreck."
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Industry insiders are reluctant to talk about the show `Diff'rent strokes'
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and refused to confirm rumors that seances took place on-set during
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the first two years of the show's meteoric rise to popularity.
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Joe Dallas, of the Cleveland-based American Families for Decency and the
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Supression of Satanism (AFDSS), said "The chickens have finally come
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home to roost. It was apparent to us at AFDSS long ago that the only
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possibility explanation for the popularity of `Diff'rent strokes' was a
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contract with Satan. Now the great marplot has begun to collect his
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debt."
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Conrad Bain, who played the rich white father who adopted Gary
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Coleman and Todd Bridges, could not be reached for comment
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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A Katmandu, Nepal newspaper ran the following "blurbs" for three days,
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recently during a scare which appearantly began on a drunken night out a few
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weekends ago by three "earth science related" professors as a joke to play
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on their students,which got out of hand, if you can make that out. Anyway,
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here it is. (My source of the articles was an american student at the
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University of Katmandu, studying tibetan culture, who read the blurbs for
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the three days which they ran, and then read the subsequent apology written
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by the professors and published by the same paper that ran the articles. He
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thought it was good for a laugh, and sent it to me.)
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February 28
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Three earth-science professors at the University of Katmandu believe they
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have actual evidence that the Moon will fall to Earth within the next six to
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eight months. The professors, whose names we are not allowed to disclose
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here, have been studying what was thought to be a simple slight shift in the
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orbit of the moon, for a period of two and a half years, and they say they
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now have reason to believe that the mon will indeed be pulled toward the
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Earth. The orbit of this natural satellite has been steadily eroding for
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about 3 billion years, since shortly after it's solidification into it's
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present form. That eroding orbit is believed by the professors involved in
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the study to be within six to eight months of complete collapse, pulling the
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moon directly into line with the Earth. When or where the Moon will strike
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the Earth is as yet entirely open to speculation, however, if the data the
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professors claim is correct, the collision is inevitable, at a predicted
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time of "Nine moths, as the absolute latest date at which the moon will
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fall, as it were....It looks like this could be the end.."
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March 2
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The Moon will fall to Earth within a few months! This drastic
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prediction, made by three scientists at the University of Katmandu, appears
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to be as true as it is outlandish. The three involved in the study are
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looking into the possibility of borrowing equipment and scientists from NASA
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of the United States of America, and CCCP of The Soviet Union, to better
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verify their findings. If their predictions seem to be correct, rumors say
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that NASA and CCCP will join forces to push aero-space technology 10 years
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into the future within the next three months, so that at least some portion
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of the population of the Earth can be saved from destruction by traveling to
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an outpost currently being planned for construction on Mars, the forth
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planet of our Solar System. By borrowing technology from underwater and
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older Moon missions, the new complex on Mars should be a feasible reality
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before the predicted collision, at the end of 1991. Scientists working
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around the clock are in search of any ideas to
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possibly save the globe or as large a portion of its inhabitants as
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possible, in the event of the Moon colliding with the Earth, and destroying
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the atmosphere.
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March 6
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It would seem that the Moon will fall. The world will begin preparation
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for the catastrophe immediately, once the news spreads. Anyone with any
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information regarding the subject is urged to contact the news media, as
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well as the appropriate government authorities. For more information,
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please contact the University of Katmandu (address with-held)
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March 7
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The professors who claimed to have information regarding the moon falling
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to Earth during the past week and a half have come forward publically to
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apologize to the readers of this magazine, and to the entire world.
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Appearantly, the entire thing was a hoax.
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"We were sitting around last friday evening, and we had gotten a little
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drunk. I was complaining to Molly that my students were uninterested in
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Earth science and wouldn't care if the moon fell to Earth, or something like
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that. Then we got to joking about telling them that it WAS, and the whole
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thing got out of hand. We were drunk, as I said, And we just wanted to have
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a little fun and get back at our students, who can be pretty damned
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apathetic. I'm really sorry it got to this point. Appearantly one of the
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students actually believed us, and leaked the information, and some reporter
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got a hold of it... some pretty sensational write-ups of the "calamity" have
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been circulating around here, and...The whole thing just got out of hand.
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We're sorry."
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The three professors, who would like their names to be kept secret are
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on University Faculty probation and legal action is being taken. We hope
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that the reports which we have carried of the situation have not caused too
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much distress and we apologize for any inconvenience. Thank you.
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------
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[If science is a little confused, its good to know that religion still has
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its intellectual head above water...]
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From the show "The '90s" (PBS):
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"Thousands of children starve to death because they don't eat
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the cow! Eat the cow and BELIEVE in Jesus Christ!"
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-Christian Protestors at a Hare Krishna Festival
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----------------------------------------------------------------
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OTISIAN RANTS
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---------------------------------------------------------------
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(in which everything worth knowing about absolutely everything will be
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revealed!)
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[This Week: Grads with GUNS! Intellectual TV, MORE!!!]
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It's common knowledge that whenever you get two or more CS grad students
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together, the conversation will inevitably drift to the same topic:
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automatic weapons. Lately, we've noticed that whenever we attend a CS
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party, picnic, or bullsession, we always hear the same questions and
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discussions, usually from the younger grad students:
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"When I switched from guncotton to standard ball powder on my .223
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loads, the gas ports on my M16 would clog like you wouldn't believe. Steer
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clear of that stuff."
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"You haven't cleared an ejection port jam until you've cleared one in
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the Hill district at 4:00 AM on a Saturday morning."
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"I want to mount an M60 in front of the sun roof of my Tercel, but
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the mounting bracket wasn't drilled for import cars. How did Josh
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Bloch do his?"
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"What exactly are those special 'conference rounds' that Newell hand
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loads before AAAI every year?"
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"Some of my friends at the MIT AI Lab don't like M203's because the
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grenade launcher adds too much weight, but I wouldn't have gotten
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out of IJCAI-85 in one piece if it hadn't been for those 40mm flechette
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rounds. What do you think?"
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"Do you have to be a god-damned tenured professor to get teflon rounds
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at this place?"
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"Does the 'reasonable person principle' cover hosing down a member
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of the Soar project after he's used the phrase 'cognitively plausible'
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for the fifteenth time in a 20 minute conference talk?"
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"Where *did* Prof. Vrsalovic get that Kalashnikov AK-47?"
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"I used to use Dri-Slide to lube my M16. How come my advisor says
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Dri-Slide is for momma's boys and Stanford profs?"
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"Does the way Jon Webb keeps flicking the safety of his Mac-10 on
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and off at thesis defenses make you nervous, too?"
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In short, there is a lot of concern in this department for the proper care,
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handling and etiquette of automatic weapons. So as a service to the
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department, we are starting a two week daily series on "The Care and
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Handling of Your M16A1." Every day for the next two weeks, we will post on
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the wall outside our office the day's helpful hint on care and maintenance
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of that good old departmental standby: the M16A1. Our thanks to the US
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Army, whose training manuals we have shamelessly cribbed for material.
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We would like to encourage other knowledgeable members of the CS community
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to share their expertise in a similar fashion. There is a real need for
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this kind of dialogue in the department. The new students come in here every
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fall, and are totally unequipped to handle the realities of graduate student
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life at CMU. Computability theory and lexical scoping are fine things to
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know about, but they just don't cut the mustard when somebody from the Psych
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department opens up on you with an Ingram set to full auto.
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-the friendly automatic weapons enthusiasts of SkyCave1,
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Olin, Derek, and Allan
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Date: Tue, 26 May 87 09:55:15 PDT
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From: jkh%violet.Berkeley.EDU@BERKELEY.EDU (Jordan K. Hubbard)
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To: Olin.Shivers@h.cs.cmu.edu
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Subject: Supporting one's opinion with sustained fully automatic weapons
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fire.
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I had recent occasion to view your Presentation Announcement on care
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and feeding of automatic weapons during lecture hall. I found it most
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amusing. I would very much like to see and/or contribute future material.
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We have similar problems here at Berkeley, though it has been difficult
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to wean our students away from more the more mundane assortment of
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Browning Hi-Power's, Beretta 92SBF's and Sig-Sauer P226's. The 9mm clique
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is pretty strong here, and the young grad students fairly parsimonious.
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They tend to balk at the idea of spending enough money on ammo to make
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full auto firefights practical. Lately, they've taken to sniping at each
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other from the Campanille tower and engaging in loose hit-and-run guerrilla
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tactics during finals. This is obviously not the American Way and needs to
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be changed.
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While I've been able to slowly wean them into more progressive arms (such
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as the Beretta 93R and an occasional mini-uzi), I still can't seem to get
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past the supply problem. My questions are:
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"Do you buy your ammo in bulk, or do appointed individuals
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do shifts on a progressive reloader?"
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|
|
"Does the school pay for this?"
|
|
|
|
Thank you.
|
|
|
|
Sincerely,
|
|
|
|
Jordan Hubbard
|
|
U.C. Berkeley
|
|
moderator of rec.guns
|
|
|
|
27-May-87 02:16 Olin.Shivers@h.cs.cmu.edu Automatic Weapons, part III
|
|
My reply to Mr. Hubbard of UC Berkeley:
|
|
|
|
Mr. Hubbard-
|
|
|
|
Thank you for your letter. It was certainly interesting to hear of
|
|
conditions out on the West Coast. What can I tell you about the situation
|
|
here at CMU? I'm really glad I came to CMU. The faculty is absolutely first
|
|
rate, and they all take pride in their weapons skills. We are admittedly a
|
|
pretty opinionated bunch, which provides for many interesting interchanges
|
|
within the community. I, for instance, think the long barrel .44 Automag is
|
|
more of a fashion statement than a weapon, though you won't catch me saying
|
|
that within earshot of Prof. Fahlman. If you catch my drift.
|
|
|
|
Yes, I am aware of the West Coast predilection for 9mm pistolry. When I was
|
|
an undergraduate, I spent one summer doing AI hacking at the MIT AI Lab.
|
|
We'd hired this west coast guy to do Lisp hacking, and I can clearly
|
|
remember being a little stranged out by his attitudes. He just wouldn't
|
|
shut up about Interlisp and Browning Hi-Power's. Every time I tried to
|
|
explain to him the way our project did things, he'd interrupt with "the
|
|
right way," i.e. the West Coast Way, to do it. He just couldn't get it
|
|
through his head that I didn't want to hear about Interlisp, and I damn sure
|
|
didn't want to hear about 9-fucking-millimeter automatics; we were a
|
|
Zetalisp/.223 project. I finally gave up on him; that was the first time
|
|
I'd ever personally encountered the east coast/west coast split in Lisp
|
|
style and weapons choice.
|
|
|
|
I'm not quite as adamant about that sort of thing as I used to be. I guess
|
|
these days I tend to have a "whatever gets the job done" attitude -- even if
|
|
it's franz or a .22 Woodsman. But I've always thought that the west coast
|
|
was really missing out on a good thing. I mean, on the east coast, public
|
|
comment sometimes requires you to tuck a Beretta discreetly away in a
|
|
shoulder holster. But when you are in Berkeley, it being the sort of place
|
|
that it is, you can stroll down the street toting your automatic rifle of
|
|
choice without so much as raising an eyebrow.
|
|
|
|
I am very fond of Berkeley. I think that while LA represents the dark,
|
|
twisted climb-the-water-tower-and-start-shooting-until-the-Marines-settle-it
|
|
side of California weirdness, Berkeley represents the very best of the pure,
|
|
innocent-killer side of it all. The first weekend I ever spent in Berkeley
|
|
was in the summer of 1983. I was sitting down at one of those really
|
|
delightful cafes you have out there. To my left some old man was drinking
|
|
cappucino and practicing Chinese calligraphy; down the street some
|
|
undergraduates were engaged in a running firefight. I was taking it all in,
|
|
thinking that Berkeleians have remembered something about living well that
|
|
the rest of America seems to have forgotten, when this kid's stray .223 slug
|
|
shattered my glass of pomegranate soda. "Crazy undergraduates" I remember
|
|
chuckling to myself as I put the safety back on my Hi-Power and returned it
|
|
to its holster.
|
|
|
|
It seems a shame that ammunition is so hard to come by out there, though.
|
|
We are quite spoiled here at CMU. The departmental attitude towards
|
|
logistical support really crystallized for me in September of my first year.
|
|
One of the incoming first-year hot-shots had taken out Prof. Felton with a
|
|
head shot from 500 yards. We were all really impressed, and I think it was
|
|
generally agreed that Felton couldn't have asked for a more painless,
|
|
appropriate end.
|
|
It was a beautiful, almost poetic way to cap what had been a textbook career
|
|
of brilliant, original mathematical insights punctuated with outbursts of
|
|
random, deeply unhinged violence. Many were the stories of Felton told that
|
|
week -- we were particularly touched that, in a very real sense, he'd died
|
|
with his boots on. He may have been all of 65, but his .357 Magnum had been
|
|
in his hand when he hit the ground, a reflexive feat of almost mystical
|
|
proportions, considering that by the time he'd become aware of the danger to
|
|
himself, most of his processing hardware had become so much organic garbage
|
|
heading west at Mach 1.
|
|
|
|
You've probably heard of Felton (National Academy of Science, IEEE Past
|
|
President, NRA sustaining member). My advisor told me later that Felton's
|
|
academic peak had come at that now-infamous 1982 Symposium on Data
|
|
Encryption, when he presented the plaintext of the encrypted challenge
|
|
message that Rob Merkin had published earlier that year using his
|
|
"phonebooth packing" trap-door algorithm. According to my advisor, Felton
|
|
wordlessly walked up to the chalkboard, wrote down the plaintext, cranked
|
|
out the multiplies and modulus operations by hand, and wrote down the
|
|
result, which was obviously identical to the encrypted text Merkin had
|
|
published in CACM. Then, still without saying a word, he tossed the chalk
|
|
over his shoulder, spun around, drew and put a 158grain semi-wadcutter right
|
|
between Merkin's eyes. As the echoes from the shot reverberated through the
|
|
room, he stood there, smoke drifting from the muzzle of his .357 Magnum, and
|
|
uttered the first words of the entire presentation: "Any questions?" There
|
|
was a moment of stunned silence, then the entire conference hall erupted in
|
|
wild applause. God, I wish I'd been there.
|
|
|
|
But I digress. At Felton's funeral, our departmental chairman delivered the
|
|
eulogy. I'll never forget his summation: "Poor Felton. Published, and
|
|
published, and perished just the same." And that's the attitude that the
|
|
professors take here. As my advisor said: "The tragedy of Galois is that he
|
|
could have contributed so much more to mathematics if he'd only spent more
|
|
time on his marksmanship." The professors at CMU aren't in the business of
|
|
turning out effete researchers, aimed at the big industrial labs. They are
|
|
interested in training *real* academicians, suitably prepared for life in
|
|
the jungle of university-level computer science. And that means time spent
|
|
practicing our teaching skills and weapons handling *as well as* making
|
|
fundamental research contributions to the field. The department does not
|
|
care to just crank out PhD's, half of whom aren't going to make it through
|
|
their first semester as a junior professor without winding up in a body bag.
|
|
They are committed to a solid grounding in small arms fire, and if that
|
|
means spending some grant money for the necessary resources, they are ready
|
|
to stand up to the line.
|
|
|
|
So the short answer is, the department supplies us with all the ammunition
|
|
we can use, and then some. Any caliber; any load configuration. They even
|
|
keep those crazy Czechs supplied, who come in here every year with the
|
|
absolutely strangest knock-off versions of other country's guns that you
|
|
have ever laid eyes on. The free ammunition has some nice side effects,
|
|
too: the Campus police never, ever give CS grad students parking tickets.
|
|
And you just wouldn't believe how attentive the students are in the courses
|
|
we TA.
|
|
-Olin
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
From: bdm@sirius.rice.edu (Brian D. Moore)
|
|
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
|
|
Subject: Twin Peaks Drinking Game
|
|
|
|
It seems that every cult show these days has a drinking game. Normally
|
|
I am too engrossed in a show to be concerned with intoxication ('Will Mr.
|
|
Carlin overcome his pessimism with Dr. Hartley's help?' 'How will Kirk get
|
|
out of this?' 'Gee Dan Rather looks like a toad', etc.) Fortunately, with
|
|
Twin Peaks on hiatus, I have a little time to imbibe, and to set ground
|
|
rules for this activity. So, here are the
|
|
|
|
RULES TO THE TWIN PEAKS DRINKING GAME
|
|
|
|
1) Get involved in TP. Speculate on its chance for survival. Get
|
|
despondent and drink.
|
|
|
|
2) Watch the schlock that replaces TP (e.g., 'Perfect Strangers is now 1
|
|
hour!
|
|
Hilarious hijinks ensue when Balki gets drafted during a visit to
|
|
Baghdad!'). Get despondent and drink.
|
|
|
|
3) Go out and spend $7 on a David Lynch film. Realize that you used to do
|
|
something similar -- for free. Get despondent and drink.
|
|
|
|
4) Watch your favorite actors doing thespian emasculation on the
|
|
newly-expanded 'Perfect Strangers'. (e.g.'Damn good coffee.' Thank you,
|
|
back on Mepos we learned the secret to great coffee is human urine.' (*spit
|
|
take*) )
|
|
Get despondent and drink.
|
|
|
|
5) Realize that you are no longer invited to parties, since you snubbed
|
|
everybody on those Saturdays when your VCR was not working. Predict plot on
|
|
tonight's "Perfect Strangers' (e.g. Oh no!! Balki does not understand the
|
|
concept of prostitution. Watch the pimp beat the living hell out of him.
|
|
Oh no, now he has tetanus, and his jaw is locked up. This is too
|
|
insane for me!! I am becoming despondent, give me a drink!!)
|
|
|
|
6) Sit down and list all of the other shows you liked which have met a
|
|
similar fate. Sort them with respect to network. Now look at the total
|
|
Nielsen ratings for each of these networks. Pretend you are a network
|
|
executive, looking at the consistent slide in viewership over the past few
|
|
years.
|
|
React accordingly (i.e., get despondent and drink).
|
|
|
|
7) Now that you are quite blotto, again watch the show replacing TP.
|
|
Doesn't look so bad now, does it? Say, I can see myself building a tape
|
|
library of this show. Haha, that Balki is such a cut-up...
|
|
|
|
OK, I'm sure you all get the idea. Actually, I use this game quite a
|
|
lot -- finals time, thesis, social contacts, breathing -- all ofthese
|
|
are suitable subjects for a rousing game. Enjoy!
|
|
|
|
===============================================================
|
|
OTHER RANTS
|
|
===============================================================
|
|
(in which absolutely nothing will be revealed at all)
|
|
|
|
[This week, we've given over the OTHER RANTS section for ad space]
|
|
|
|
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
|
|
|
|
* From the New Yorker Magazine: Article by Bruce McCall *
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
ROLLED IN RARE BOHEMIAN ONYX,
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THEN VULCANIZED BY HAND
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Here's an offer that's so limited, you can't have it.
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Dear Eminent Patron of the Mail Order Arts:
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Imagine a collector's item so exquisitely detailed that each is actually
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INVISIBLE to the naked eye.
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Think of an heirloom so limited in availability that when you
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order it, the mint specially constructed to craft it will be
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DEMOLISHED.
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Ponder an item so precious that its value has actually TRIPLED
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since you began reading this.
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KILN-FIRED IN EDIBLE
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TWENTY-FOUR-CALORIE SILVER
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Never before in human history has the Polk McKinley Harding Coolidge
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Mint (not a U.S. Government body) commissioned such ararity.
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Consider: Miniature pewterine reproductions,
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authenticated by the World Court at The Hague and sent
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to you in moisture-resistant Styrofoam chests, of the
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front-door letters of Hollywood's most beloved
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|
character actors and actresses.
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|
A special blue-ribbon Advisory Panel will insure that the Foundation
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Council's certificated and inscribed insignia is approved by Her
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Majesty's Master of Heralds before the application deadline.
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Meanwhile,they are yours to inspect in the privacy of your
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home, office, shop, or den for TWENTY YEARS by express permission,
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already withdrawn, of the Polk McKinley Harding Coolidge Mint-- the
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only mint authorized to stamp your application with its own seal.
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The equivalent of three centuries of painstaking
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historical research, supervised by the U.S. Bureau of
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Mines, has preceded this issue of THE ORNAMENTAL
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HANDLES OF THE WALKING CANES OF THE HOHENZOLLERN
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PRINCELINGS.
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Our miniature craftsmen have designed, cast, struck, etched, forged,
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and finished these authentic reproductions-- not available in any store,
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even before they were commissioned-- literally WITHOUT REGARD
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CERTIFIED BY THE
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AMERICAN KENNEL CLUB
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But now, through a special arrangement with the Postmaster General of
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the Republic of San Marino, this seventy-two piece commemorative
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plinth, honoring THE FOOTPRINTS OF THE GREAT JEWEL THIEVES OF THE
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FRENCH RIVIERA-- each encased in its own watered-silk caddy that
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revolved 360 degrees on genuine Swedish steel ball-bearings--has
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been canceled.
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A unique way, you will agree, of introducing you and your
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loved ones to THE GREAT COOKIE JARS OF THE RESTORATION, just like
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those Congreve the boy must have pilfered from.
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They are so authentic that you can actually smell them
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And don't forget: every set of hand-fired porcelain reproductions of
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THE PADLOCKS OF THE FREE WORLD'S GREAT CUSTOMS HOUSES comes sealed in
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an airtight cask, fashioned after the shoe locker of a Mogul emperor
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so famous that we are prohibited from disclosing his name.
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TWELVE MEN DIED
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TO MAKE THE INGOTS PERFECT
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But why, as a prudent investor, should you spend thousands of dollars,
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every month for a lifetime, to acquire this eighty-eight-piece set of
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OFFICIAL DIPLOMATIC LICENCE PLATES OF THE WORLD'S GREAT
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GOVERNMENTS-IN-EXILE?
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One Minnesota collector comments, "I never expected to buy an
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item so desirable that it has already kept its haunting fascination
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forever."
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But even this merely hints at the extraordinary investment
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potential of the Connoisseur's Choice selection of GREAT ELEVATOR
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INSPECTION CERTIFICATES OF THE WORLD'S TALLEST BUILDINGS.
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Molded in unobtainable molybdenum,each is
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the entire batch will be melted down, discarded, and
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forgotten.
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But "keepsake" is an inadequate term. Your Jubilee Edition of the 566
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TUNIC BUTTONS OF THE WORLD'S LEGENDARY HOTEL PORTERS will take you
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from New York City to San Francisco to Hong Kong to Bombay... and
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then actually PAY YOUR WAY back home.
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There is one more aspect for you to consider before refusing
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this offer.
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If you wish, you can have THE LAVA LIERE MIKES OF TV'S GREATEST
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TALK SHOW CELEBRITY GUESTS, custom-mounted on drift wood plaques that
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|
serve as 175 dainty TV snack tables-- free.
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There is, of course, a surcharge and a handling fee, as well
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|
as the 25 percent duplication cost. But so amazing is this offer that
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you need only pay this levy once-- and never again be bothered by it
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in your mortal life.
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If for whatever reason you elect not to purchase the
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complimentary TOKENS OF THE WORLD'S GREATEST SUBWAY SYSTEMS, you still
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The solid-gold VENETIAN GONDOLIER'S BOAT POLE
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to treasure for as long as this incredible offer
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Our DISTINCTIVE AX MARKS OF THE IMMORTAL BRAZILIAN RUBBER PLANTERS are
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in such short supply that an advance application in your name is
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already reserved for you. To protect your investment, NONE will be
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made.
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REGISTERED WITH THE
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DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES
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A dazzling proposition, you will agree. If you do not, your 560-piece
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|
set of BELGIUM'S MOST CHERISHED WAFFLE PATTERNS, together with your
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|
check or money order, will be buried at sea on or before midnight,
|
|
April 15, 1982-- the seventieth anniversary, college-trained
|
|
historians tell us, of the sinking of the R.M.S TITANIC, one of the
|
|
sixty-six GREAT MARINE DISASTERS commemorated in this
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|
never-yet-offered series, each individually bronzed, annealed,
|
|
Martinized, and hickory-cured by skilled artisans working under the
|
|
supervision of the Tulane University Board of Regents.
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Please note that each comes wrapped in authentic North
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|
Atlantic seaweed, its salt content confirmed by
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|
affidavit.
|
|
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Best of all, you need not order. Simply steal a new Rolls-Royce, fence
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|
it, and turn the bills into small denominations of used money (U.S.
|
|
currency only, please). No salesman will call. The Polk McKinley
|
|
Harding Coolidge Mint is not a U.S. Government body. This is not an
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|
offering.
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|
The Polk McKinley
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|
Harding Coolidge Mint
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P.S. If you have already begun your NAPKIN RINGS OF THE STATE SUPREME
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|
COURT DINING ROOMS collection, please disregard.
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Copyright(C)1981 The New Yorker Magazine,Inc.
|
|
|
|
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
|
|
LAST WORD!
|
|
|
|
In this issue Purps once again seems to have strayed from its original
|
|
purpose as a mouthpiece for the OTISian faith. Ooops. Sorry. Next time
|
|
(HAIL OTIS!) I will attempt to rectify that by finishing the Banquet of the
|
|
Gods story.
|
|
|
|
CIAO-- PJI
|
|
________________________________________________________________
|
|
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE ISSUE# 17
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Neither censored nor edited. Deal.
|