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================================================================
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 15
================================================================
"Kenyon's Very Own Non Alien Run REPLIES TO: STEVENSJ
Electronic Magazine" INTERNET: "Stevensj@VAX001.Kenyon.edu"
* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
*** P P U U R R P P S
***** P P U U R R P P S
******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
********* P U U R R P S
*********** P U U R RR P S
***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
*****
*****
***** ++++++++++++++++++
***** + +
* **** * + +
*** *** ***+ +
**** * ***** +
************************************+++++++++++++++
**************************************** +
************************************ ++++++++++++++++++
**** ***** ***** + + +
*** ***** ***+ + + +
* ***** * ++++++++++++++++++ + +
***** + +
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________________________________________________________________
SOMETHING WHICH MIGHT, IN THE CORRECT FRAME OF MIND, LOOK SORT OF
LIKE A TABLE OF CONTENTS
Introduction: We's havin' a R-E-V-I-V-A-L!, Guest Starring: the
Cult of the Brown Bucket!
News: Microwaved Dogs, Stoopid Evangelicalist Tricks, More!
OTISian Rants: Messenger of the Gods, II (the sequal) part one by
a NEW author, The Moonlit Dialog, An OTIS Sighting, MORE!!!
Other Rants: SEX!!! and Why to Have It, MORE!!!!
THE FULL, COMPLETE, NON BOWLDERDIZED BROWN BUCKET PAPERS (REALLY
LONG, 15 PAGES, Placed here so the less hearty of you can not
read them)
----------------------------------------------------------------
INTRODUCTION
("The first secret of good religion management is getting other
people to do the creative work for you. The second is lying
through your teeth." T. Howland)
In recent issues this puiblication seems to be drifting
further and further away from being a publication somewhat
dedicated to the promotion of the OTISian faith. Slowly, neeto
stuff like thw weird news section, which has little, at best, to
do with the Ancienty Sumerian God/dess o' life OTIS him/herself
(HAIL OTIS!), has been taking up more and more room, squeezing
OTIS, Rotus, Lotus, and, to a lessor degree, Spode (our four
great dieties) into the background.
Well, brothers and sisters, no more. This morning I woke up
to find my socks glued mysteriously to the ceeling, a foul stench
permenating my rose garden, my floor painted day glow green, all
of my clothes replaced with identical versions cut entirely from
paisley fabric, the mysterious words "YO! Get Back on Track!",
scrawled in glowing brown letters across my forehead, and a
player piano in the corner-- burned to ashes.
Well, faithful followers, as you know, I don't own a piano.
So, after checking carefully and discretely with friends to
determine that I wasn't all _THAT_ drunk last night, I determined
that OTIS was trying to tell me something. So, this issue is
dedicated soley and with complete sincerity to OTIS, and the
OTISian faith.
_______
News
-------
PURPS.STUFF PARTIES! PARTIES! OTIS, are we having parties. Read
your mail for the complete social calender, and show up in Mather
TV lounge for Bark Trek at 7:00pm on Saturday.
OTISIAN NEWS
OTHER NEWS
Microwaved Hot Dog Lives to Wag Her Tail
TORONTO (Reuters) Kizi, the miniature schnauzer dog, is
recovering from being microwaved after an intruder popped her in
the oven.
Kizi escaped with a limp and a burnt ear after the metal
buckle on her dog collar shorted the oven, her owner said.
``We think he set the timer for nine minutes. She had a metal
buckle on her collar and that shorted the oven. That saved her
life,'' said Kizi's owner, 13-year-old Chad Leis, from Kitchener
in Ontario, Canada.
A 14-year-old boy has been charged with cruelty.
---------------------------------------------------------------
[Coincidence? I think not!]
In one of his pleas for money, evangelist Oral Roberts urged his
followers to scribble the name of Jesus on the soles of their
shoes. "As you put your foot down, know by your faith you're
bruising the devil's head," his letter said. The
letter featured white space for contributors to outline their
shoes. Within a week of Roberts' letter being mailed, fellow
evangelist Billy Graham was admitted to a Rochester, NY hospital
with a foot infection.
---------------------------------------------------------------
From:_London Times_ - 14 February 1991
_Hippie Awards_
Nine hippies were awarded more than 8,000 [British
Pounds] by a jury at Winchester crown court against Wiltshire
police who tried to prevent them holding a summer solstice
festival at Stonehenge in 1985.
---------------------------------------------------------------
[Which Creator would that be, then?]
The Guardian [Manchester and London] - 12 February 1991
You may like this extract from a forthcoming book called, in a
self-explanatory sort of way, The Meaning Of Life. The compilers
have asked a number of well-known persons to explain in their own
words what it is. The meaning of life, I mean. And why are we
here? This is one of the responses: "We are not here to avoid
decisions but to make hard choices between good and evil by using
an ethical system not invented by man but by our Creator - a
framework of truth and moral guidance through which we can find
deliverance from despair ..." and so on. That's the
view of that noted moral guide, Colonel Oliver North.
Stay tuned - next week we will discuss the meaning of the word
"hypocrisy." -Spode
----------------------------------------------------------------
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR:
[This week, some buffoon learns to forge mail!, More!]
From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU"
26-FEB-1991 09:11:29.88
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: Re: Elvis drives a caddy
>In article <1991Feb24.012013.9601@bradley.bradley.edu>,
>alchemy@buhub.bradley.edu (Michael Swiston) writes:
>|>In <91052.081120BETTYJ@MAINE.BITNET> BETTYJ@MAINE.BITNET
(Betty
>Johnson) writes:
>|>>Has anyone seen Saddam since the bunker bombing incident?
>|>
>|>yeah, just yesterday I saw him filling
>|>up his car at the local Amoco station.
>|>He had his white Caddy and got the gold
>|>premium unleaded, and a chili dog to go.
>Its true. Elvis was driving.
Now was this before or after the Otis, Pythia siting?
I suppose Elvis does deserve a vacation once and a while too. I
mean
he's a hard worker (and yes he appears in the amazing story of
mine)
>|>
>|>
>|>myke in green sun
>|>alchemy@buhub.bradley.edu on blue earth
>|> under warm
running showers
---------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::WINS%"Spode@what.ever.edu" 18-FEB-1991
00:15:30.76
To: STEVENSJ
Return-Path: <lancer@wpi.wpi.edu>
Received: from wpi.wpi.edu by vax001.kenyon.edu with SMTP ;
Sun, 17 Feb 91 23:15:20 EDT
Received: by wpi.wpi.edu (5.65/4.7)
id AA14924; Mon, 18 Feb 91 00:15:15 EST
Received: from wpi.WPI.EDU by wpi.wpi.edu (5.65/4.7)
id AA12554; Sun, 17 Feb 91 22:33:05 EST
Date: Sun, 17 Feb 91 22:33:05 EST
From: Spode@what.ever.edu
Message-Id: <9102180333.AA12554@wpi.wpi.edu>
Apparently-To: lancer
Status: Status: OR
Greetings from the Great Spode!
Yes, it's mail from Spode. I, Spode, have decided that my name is
far too silly to be real, and would like to say that I wish from
now on to be known as Stephen.
No, I guess that's a pretty silly name itself.
Forget it.
Spode.
----------------------------------------------------------------
OTISIAN RANTS
---------------------------------------------------------------
(in which everything worth knowing about absolutely everything will be
revealed!)
[This Week: Dating A Vampire, Messenger of the Gods, II (the Sequal), The
Moonlit Dialogs]
From: shipley@remarque.berkeley.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Pros and Cons of dating a vampire
Message-ID: <S226.6832@looking.on.ca>
Date: 18 Feb 91 11:30:03 GMT
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Author: Peter Shipley
Pros and Cons of dating a vampire
Pro Con
Long relationships Spend your time in a hypnotic daze
Allowed to stay out late Parents can be hell
Easy weight loss You always feel tired (loss of blood)
Centuries of experience Oral sex can be lethal
Immune to all venereal diseases Always has cold feet (and blood)
Always has amazing stamina Never able to spend the day in bed
Loves neck nibbling Pet names that give you chills
Rarely interested in arguing religionStrange friends
Never comes home with garlic breath Giggles at funerals
Don't have to worry about what color Hard to win a argument
clothes to wear. No romantic sunsets
May forget own strength during orgasm
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to
funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 20-FEB-1991 15:38:11.26
Messenger of the Gods
I was over at a friends house watching t.v. when a storm came
tumbling down out of the sky, meaning I'd be staying a bit longer
than I planned. Lacking nothing better to do and much to my
annoyance, they turned on the t.v. for recent war developments.
The endless drone of the newsman filled the air saying about the
same thing he'd said the day before, grumbling about war censors.
Suddenly, it was commercial time. I perked up a bit to see
exactly who had the guts to finance our blood bath entertainment
channel. It was only a local car dealer. Those commercials are
the worst, often looking like someone used a video tape camera
that only took pictures in pastels.
Then another commercial came on for a bowling alley. A commercial
for a bowling alley? Since when do when get those? I hadn't seen
one in years. This was getting weird. Then I noticed the
commercial was in black and white, and, well, they weren't
advertising anything. It looked a bit grainy too, like a old bad
movie. Some faint memory ticked the back of my brain. I'd seen
this "commercial" some time in the past. Then a man walked into
the scene smoking a pipe.
"Oh Crap!" I yelled leaping out of my chair.
"What?" asked on of my friends confused.
The man on the screen picked up a piece of poster board. A grin
crossed his face as he held it up to the camera. It said "X-Day
coming soon to theater near you."
"What the hell kind of commercial is that?" asked another friend.
"Hey wait! Wasn't that guy in a book you showed us once?" asked
another.
"Look at all the makeup. Makes him look like he's got a plastic
face--" said still another the voice trailing off. The picture on
the t.v. jumped violently, exploding into a cascade of stars,
comets and little golden apples.
I glanced at my friends for a second. They were all frozen like
bad special effects out of "Bewitched".
"Don't you dare turn this thing off!" scolded a golden haired
woman who now appeared on the screen, her eyes flashing like
distant thunderstorms. She knew me too well. "I've been looking
for someone to do a job for me and guess what? You're it! You've
been rather lax lately and I think you could use some penance. If
you don't do this job right you'll soon learn why they call me
the Mistress of Mayhem!"
"Um.. Now see here.." I began, trailing off cringing under a
divine gaze that washed over me like the entire contents of a
2000 gallon punch bowl.
"Look!" she said wagging her finger at me, sparking showering
across the carpet. "You've been a good for nothing slug for all
too long. It's time you did something in my name once again. Do
you know what a pain in the ass it is to intercept satellite
broadcasts now with this encryption crap? And to top that off
that yahoo up and intercepted my broadcast while I was breaking
in! So shut up and listen! I don't have long. I left the meter
running as it were."
"Ok," I mumbled trying to look humble. I knew none of my friends
were seeing any of this. She was so furious some of her sparks
had burned holes in the carpet. How was I going to explain that
one away?
"Here take this," she said, her hand reached out of the screen. I
stepped forward and took the envelop. It was bright, sensuous,
lustful, red. As I grabbed it I accidentally touched her hand and
the world exploded. An ocean of divine force washed over my
system. My head filled with white light.
*****
I came to moment later on the floor, carpet full of burn marks.
My friends clustered around me. The air smelled of ozone, temple
incense and a strange unidentifiable pipe tobacco smell. Or was
it just the burnt carpet?
"You okay?" asked one friend, crouching over me looking worried.
"What happened?" ask another offering me a glass of water. I
struggled to sit up.
"How'd the carpet get burned?" asked the guy who owned the
apartment, sounding worried.
"Where's the envelop?" I asked suddenly remember what had just
happened.
"You mean this one," said another. He was over by the dinning
room table with a butter knife. He was going to open the letter.
Something about it was attracting him. There as madness in his
eyes.
"Don't do that!" I shouted catapulting to my feet and blundering
across the room to snatch the red envelop from his trembling
hands.
"Hey give that back!" he said menacing me with the butter knife.
"Look it's mine. You can't have it. It's dangerous," I stuffed
the envelop into a pocket. I could smell the perfume coming off
of it. It made me dizzy.
My friends bombarded me with more questions but I brushed them
of. I rushed out the door into the storm cursing to myself,
wondering what I had gotten myself into. I'd blacked out back
there and now I didn't know what I was supposed to do with that
damn red reeking envelope. I could guess I suppose. It was pretty
obvious.
Soaking wet, I climbed into to car and started the engine. I
flipped the radio on, but thought better of it. I shook the water
out of my hair and pulled out the envelop trying not to get it
wet. My car was filled with that divine smell. I quickly rolled
down the window knowing I'd be overpowered quickly if I didn't.
She's really gone over board on this one.
As I suspected, the words "OTIS" appeared on the envelop in
golden letters. Little hearts and apples danced around the name.
Oh boy was I in for it.
I stuffed the letter in my pocket and drove home. The ran blasted
through the windows soaking everything. I didn't care. I needed
at clear head. I had to think. How as I going to pull this one
off without getting killed or worse?
The radio flipped on by itself. Out of the corner of my eye a
silver shape glided across the heavens. I tried to look at it but
it was gone, disappearing behind huge thunderhead that poured
down lightening and rain.
A hokey ad blared out of my speakers with supernatural clarity as
if they salesman was sitting next to me on the seat reading his
copy instead of doing it into a microphone somewhere else.
"When it absolutely positively has to be there yesterday.." said
the voice pausing a moment to suck on a pipe..."try Dobb's speedy
delivery"
Oh no! Not again. I recognized that voice. I tried to turn off
the radio but the knob was stuck like someone had superglued it
there. Blue sparks shot of the speakers. The commercial was over
replaced by a radio talk show.
"And you see this picture. See this is the dark side of the moon.
That's the side we can't see from earth ya know. The moon doesn't
spin like the earth. Space aliens saw to that 1,000's of years
ago. They had help from the Aztecs doing it though. They aren't
all powerful..."
I drove through storm with one hand. The other fished up a tire
iron I kept under the seat for emergencies. I was going to bash
the radio in. It seemed like the only way to shut it off. I
brought my arm back to bash it to bits as another voice asked,
"Yes but what does this have to do with X-day"
I tossed the iron onto the floor. It was useless. Something told
me I'd have to destroy my entire car to shut off the voices. Home
wasn't that far away.
"Well you see, when X-day comes rolling down the Xists are going
to be using the moon as a kind of parking lot. You know how at
Disney World you park in this vast lot and then get shuttled in.
Well that's how X-day well be. The Atlantians thousands of years
ago dug tunnels all under South America where they stored the
shuttle craft for X-day. After the Atlantians, the Aztecs and
Mayans maintained the craft. All those Codexes the Spaniards
burned were really saucer maintenance manuals. Luckily there were
a few copies written on golden plates the Spaniards didn't find,
so the survives of the purge were able to maintain them to this
day. In fact I have a sample of one here. Now keep in mind it's
not the real thing. This one is made out of cardboard and
aluminum foil, but it gives you a good idea what it looks like."
"How come these here manuals are written in english?" asked the
other voice.
"Oh well those Xists were smart. They knew that in the final days
the Subgenius would rise up in Dallas and they figured it would
be easier if they made the manuals for them. If you'll look
closely you'll see many of the words are from the Texas dialect."
Thank goodness I was home. I parked me car and raced to my door,
fumbling with the key as the rain poured down off me. There was a
note tacked to my door. The hand writing was the same as on the
red envelope.
"Oh my devoted worshipper, please see to it my epistle is
delivered by Valentines day...or else." Gold on red again.
Valentines day! Why that was only a couple days away. This was
getting serious!! The phone was ringing off the hook when I
opened my door. I figured it was my friends checking up on me. My
bizarre departure probably unsettled them. I picked it up. "Hey
there! Can I interest you in some aluminum siding!" said the
salesman voice form the radio at the other end.
"Sure," I said for some reason. I liked the voice. I trusted the
guy.
"Well could I set up an appointment with you? Bring buy some
samples and a free gift?"
I thought for a moment. When could I see the guy? I really needed
some aluminum siding on this concrete and steel bunker like
apartment I lived in. Wait! I was a renter what the hell did I
need siding for.
"Buzz off!" I yelled realizing I'd been conned slamming down the
phone.
It rang again. I yanked the cord out of the wall. I was having
none of that.
I had to sit down and think this out. I looked around the room. A
calendar stared at me from across the wall. I didn't have much
longer. How would I find Otis. And how the hell was I supposed to
deliver this envelope without getting stomped by Arani. Or Brow.
Or anyone for that matter. And why was all this stuff happening
to me? I guess they wanted the envelop as badly as she wanted me
to deliver it. But why?
Idle speculation would do me no good. I opened the blinds on the
window looking out on to the ocean so I could see the storm and
kicked in the stereo, turning up Throbbing Gristle until it
almost drowned out the booming thunder. I rummaged around
collecting all my Otisian information the Pope had sent and sat
down with my pendulums and crayons hoping I could find a clue.
An hours passed. I threw White Light White Heat on the stereo.
Then it died as the power went out. I tried to see what I was
doing with the help of the lightning flashes but it just didn't
work. Luckily the batteries in my night vision goggles were still
good.
****
[To be continued]
--Mal 91
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Another document from the Purps archives, in which all questions of
relevance are ANSWERED! Tenatively called "The Moonlit Dialogs"]
From: "FAUVAX::BARKER"@SERVAX.FIU.EDU (Mal)
Hmm this has been uploaded and down loaded and chopped a bit but it
should be all there. I felt it necessary to give this beastie a reply.
-----------
>From: IN%"carlberg@vax001.kenyon.EDU" "REID S CARLBERG" 11-FEB-1991
20:24:00.04
>To: barker <barker@ACC.FAU.EDU>
>CC:
>Subj: A friend of mine wanted me to send this to you.
>Subj: As this fortuitously came back to me, I thought I'd show you my
answers
See! Someone else did send it. I am not imagining things.
>From: "ROBERT D SCHROEDER" <schroeder@vax001.kenyon.edu>
>Subject: Answers with slack and custard to go
>To: "prune" <prune@athena.mit.edu>
>cc: "barker" <fauvax::barker@servax.fiu.edu>
Who is the prune charcters and why it is *THEY* got the original and I
just got the silly carbon copy when I was the one who sent this sucker
out in the first place? Hmmm????
>In response to some of the questions posted about:
>> Is slack finite?
>No.
You do realize this no does *NOT* imply that slack is infinite. It
meerly states that slack is not finite.
>> Do pigs eat cheese?
>Well, I've determined that at least one does, but only under
>coercion. Binky and I request that further questions be of a
>sort whose solutions are accessible by more humane means, and
>I feel I might further add that there is mud and bits of
>cheese all over my favorite pair of jeans. Fie.
Is this pig a truffle pig? This could make a big different. Also the
wearing of jeans during the time of the experiment could also
influence the out come. Take bulls for example who are annoyed by the
color red. Also note the mud. Would you eat cheese covered with mud.
Maybe if you'd sat Binky down to the family dinner table things might
have gone better.
>> Does Superman watch TV?
>Superman watches the inside of the TV.
Clearly Superman has more taste than the average american. He's
realized that internal technology of the device is far more
educational and entertaining than what goes on on that silly
phosphorous screen
>> Do weebles spin?
>Do you mean the African or Australian weebles?
Do they spin counter clock wise in the northern hemisphere and clock
wise in the southern hemisphere? What do spinning weebles have to do
with anything anyways
>> Does Cher have sex every day?
>Now, now, gentlemen, how much strength do you think I have?
Oh so you're the one they National Inquirer was talking about.
>> Is there life in Wichita, Kansas?
>Yes. I've been there. His name is Barney, and he's really
>awfully nice. Tell him the Reverend Rob sent you.
Actually I believer this is a man named Thacker who runs Thacker
Transmission. He only accepts cash but does a very good very fast job.
No questions asked.
>> Is there anyone over the age of a hundred who masturbates?
>Let you know in seventy-nine years.
I should ask some of my friends who work inthe old folks home. Still
wasn't there a recent article on this sort of thing.. Something about
these young women showing up to an old folks home just when their
social secruity checks came in and offering services. As I recall the
town was shocked.
>> What kind of a mental disorder does it take to become a dentist?
>My guess is it's some sort of reaction stemming from too many
>fat aunts sticking their faces right up next to that of the newly-
>born dentist-to-be. "Just wait," says the child to itself.
>"Someday I'm going to have complete power over that face."
Another possibly re dentist are the kind of people who get ignored at
parties who everyone talks over. When the dentist fills you mouth full
of arcane contraptions and straps on into a chair, he can have your
undivided attention and know that he won't be interrupted. That is
always why they talk about such stupid things.
>> Who invented the TV set anyway?
>Bertrand Russell, after having seen one individual TV, went
>about proving in a complicated way that that one TV necessarily
>comprised a TV set whose element was the TV itself.
I always thought it was madison avenue. Then again a careful reading of
the Book of the Subgenius should tell you that YHVH-1 is probably
responsible seeing as "Bob"'s first vision (or one of the first) came
over a t.v. set he was experimenting on. Or posibly inventing. This
really never was made clear.
>> What does it mean for something to have meaning?
>Philosophically speaking, `X' is meaningful if and only if it
>has orange stripes.
A profound statement. Try getting on the Ophra Whinfry show with that
one.
>> Where is Jimmy Page today?
>It doesn't matter. Today isn't really today. See below.
Actually the asker of this question could easily have answering it
themselves. Since they are asking where Jimmy Page is, clearly this
J.P. must be somewhere else than where the asker is. However, a clever
person might have JP right there with them and just be asking this
question to confuse people.
>> Why are some people content?
>Because there are almost enough puppy dogs, nice houses, white
>picket fences, small cute children, and well-kept lawns to go
>around.
And I suppose the ones who aren't are the ones who think there are way
too many puppy dos, nice houses, white picket fiences, small cute
children, and well-kept lawn to go around.
>> Why aren't there thousands of terrorist groups rampaging
> through the streets?
>There are. The terrorists are just really, really small.
Actually most people killed in traffic accident are terrorists on
their way to terrorize. The media just tends to hush this up.
>> Is there such a thing as a moose herd?
>Yes, seven of them. The rest are really herds of cattle in disguise.
I believe the cattle were part of an american stealth technology plan.
Cattle disguised as herds of moose could infultrate into soviet air
space and do various missions including the delivery of leathal
payload undetected.
>> What's so good about knowledge?
>I don't know.
Knowlege is the glue that holds the cells in your brains together.
>> Why is Hemingway so famous?
>Ernest Hemingway's entire literary career was in fact due to the
>unflagging efforts of a Mr. Donovan Sanders, of Pittsburg PA.
>That's all I'm allowed to say. Ask the man yourself.
I think a post script should be added to this uestion..."and why
aren't I famous as well?"
>> Why do women want men who hate them?
>Men who hate women are cuter.
This could also be some sort of sour grapes kinda deal.
>> Why do rich people always get their way?
>Because that's the way our ancestors decided it should be. Myself,
>I suggest that we scrap a money-based society and proceed to develop
>a sort of economics of emotions. That way, happy people would
>always get their way. Neurotic people would always get both of
>their ways.
Rich people always get their way becuase in childhood they had enough
money to learn how to throw tantrums correctly.
>> What's so fantastic about MC Hammer?
>It's sort of an advertising thing -- really it's just his name people
>like. His career, and the disastrously brief careers of MC Saw, MC
>Screwdriver, the Pliers, and the funk group Duct Tape Rhythm Section,
>were all orchestrated by the Seattle law firm of Strongman and Foop.
>Looks like they finally did something right.
Once again a post script is necessary.. "and what can I do to become
like him?"
>> Who created God?
>OTIS.
Actually it was B. Otis. He needed to give Otis some competition. This
is well documented in the the Doc Savage series. In the movie in the
opening credits this fact is spelled out in code.
Also keep in mind that many christians aren't all that bright. It's
easier to spell God than it is Otis.
>> Why is the number 3112 so ugly?
>It's the result of inbreeding -- 3112 is the son of 3558 and 3698.
>Don't let this happen to you.
3+1+1+2=7 the number of God. Does that answer your question?
>> What is the ugliest number anyway?
>1.
This is why Weishaupt appears on the front of a $1 bill
>> Why do people think that they are better than anyone else?
>Well, there's got to be some inborn mentality, hasn't there? And
>what would it be like if we all thought we were worse than anyone
>else? What would it be like if we all thought that we should
>grow up to be like Don Knotts? Count your blessings.
Growing up Don Knotts might not be all that bad. After all he got to
talk to Otis the Drunk on the Andy Griffith Show.
>> Why is there life after sex?
>For more sex, and eating, and smoking cigarettes.
Actaully we were given life after sex so we'd have plenty of time to
contribute money to the IGHF at their POB
>> Who invented the buddy system anyway?
>Someone who was very lonely.
I always thought it was the boy scouts myself. All those merit badges
they were make them top heavy. If one tips over and can't get back up
the other one can go find help.
>> What day is it really?
>I've been pondering that question for a good long time. A close
>watch of the subtle signs present in every day has led me to the
>conclusion that every "day", even those that appear to us to be
>distinctly different from the others, is in fact Tuesday. It's
>Tuesday today, really. So was yesterday. Tomorrow will be
>Tuesday, as will the day after that. Next Wednesday will be
>Tuesday. Take a good look at some days, and see if you don't
>agree. (Jimmy Page, by the way, once took a solemn vow to miss
>every Tuesday for the rest of his life. We can probably conclude
>from this that he is in fact missing Tuesday, every day, and that
>the Jimmy Page we think we see occasionally is just a figment of
>our imaginations. It is possible, though, that he has actually
>fulfilled his vow to miss every Tuesday for the rest of his life,
>and is at this point simply dead.)
Tuesdays are also the easier to make and the cheapest so the Time
Dwarves leave them alone and steal the other days.
>> What ever happened to \
>Gosh, I don't know. Looks like it's gone to me.
That's what happens when you forget to send money to Otis. Messy isn't
it?
>> Do trees think?
>Yes.
But what do they think about?
>Brought to you by the Reverend Rob, Screaming Prophet of OTIS
>Triumphant and Kenyon's very own Minister O' Slack. Peace.
>SCHROEDER@VAX001.KENYON.EDU
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
---
Mal "Wisdom comes through age or superior
barker@fauvax.bitnet technology" --Electro the Robot
barker@acc.fau.edu
mal@umainecs.bitnet SBI-Submarine Pens ask about our OMC equipment
===============================================================
OTHER RANTS
===============================================================
(in which absolutely nothing will be revealed at all)
[This week, some good reasons for sex, a Genuine OTIS sighting!, More!]
From: VAX001::DAILINGE "I GOT A MIND TO GIVE UP LIVIN', YES, AND GO
SHOPPIN' INSTEAD" 19-FEB-1991 22:24:06.88
> (Reprinted without permission.)
>
> Sex as a Tranquilizer -
> "I always sleep 100% better after sex. I'm an actor, so if I have
> anxiety the night before a performance, I don't sleep that well. So on
> those nights I make sure to have some sex. It's the greatest
> tranquilizer I've found. And there are no side effects. It's pretty
> addictive, though." - Sammy Dunlop, Actor
>
> Sex as a Reward -
> "If my wife does me a favor or something really nice for me, then I'll
> eat her pussy for an extra-long time. My wife is a real sweetheart. My
> friends ask why she's so nice." - Terry Williamson, Physical Education
> Teacher.
>
> Sex to Fight Addiction -
> "I've been trying to quit smoking cigarettes for years. As of today, I
> haven't had a smoke in 42 days. Sex is the one thing that really seems
> to help when I get a craving. It takes my mind right off the cigarettes
> totally. The hard part is after sex, because then I really want a
> smoke." - Les Clark, Art Director
> (Remember, if you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast. - M.F.)
>
> Sex as a Laxative -
> "I have a lifelong constipation problem. I've noticed that there is a
> direct correlation between my constipation and my sex life. I get real
> constipated when I'm not having sex regularly, and I'm fine if I'm
> having sex. I also think it's good to have a lover massage my anus with
> her finger. I think it's healthy. And it feels so good." - Jimmy
> Turnowski, Attorney
>
> Sex to Get to Know Someone -
> "I find that having sex with someone is a great way to get to know
> them. That's why I still like to fuck on the first date. I can tell a
> lot about a person by fucking them." - Janet Rivera, Real Estate Agent
>
> Sex as Meditation -
> "I use masturbation as my primary form of meditation. I put on some
> space music, put in my vibrator then empty my mind and just float. It's
> incredible. It helps me get in touch with my emotions. Sometimes I'll do
> affirmations and pray while I masturbate. I focus inward and just love
> myself. I think of my masturbation rituals as my path to enlightenment."
> - Katrina Rainbow, New Age Girl
>
> Sex to Make Money -
> "I use sex to make a lot of money. It's that simple" - Susie Que,
Prostitute
>
> Sex for Magic -
> "I'm in a witches coven. If we want to accomplish something very
> important we use sex in our magic ceremonies. It's called "sex magic."
> It's the most powerful form of magic we do. It always works. Once we
> raised $25,000 for an orphanage in Mexico with sex magic." - Jane
> Contrella, Witch
>
> Sex for Manipulation -
> "I'm in the music business, which is a really rough business. I use sex
> to get what I want. I got a nice little recording contract with only one
> blowjob. With sex you get them at their most vulnerable." - D.C. ,Lead
> Singer in a Rock Band
>
> Sex for Gardening -
> "I know this sounds a bit strange, but I have a beautiful garden. and I
> jerk off onto my plants. I love jerking off outdoors; so I figure while
> I'm at it, I'll kill two birds with one stone, and sprinkle my sperm
> onto a plant that needs a little extra care. I figure if sperm can
> create a life, it must be a good fertilizer." - Jonathan Dunlap,
> Interior Decorator
>
> Sex to Increase Energy -
> "I was living with a guy, and we were going to start a T-shirt
> business. We worked day and night to get it off the ground. We used sex
> to keep us awake and full of energy. My lover would fuck me, but not
> have an orgasm. So we would fuck six, seven, eight times a day just to
> get our energy up. The business was a big succes, until I left him. Then
> it went quickly down hill." - Nora Govan, Pot Dealer
>
> Sex as a Gift -
> "For my best friend's 40th birthday, I sent her this very sexy, hot, 22
> year old guy to make love to her. She said it was the best present
> she'd ever had in her entire life." - Carol Sternhell, Modeling Agent
>
> Sex to Wake Up -
> "I'm a very heavy sleeper, and I fucking hate alarm clocks. The best
> way to get me out of bed is to fuck me hard and fast for just a few
> minutes. A nice, wild quickie first thing in the morning, and I'm wide
> awake, baby." - Robin Spear, Bartender
>
> Sex to Cure Back Pain - (you'll need this one)
> "I hurt my back doing gymnastics when I was a teenager. Now sometimes
> my lower back really hurts. One thing I found that really helps is anal
> sex. I swear to God, it really works." - Bubbles Delight, Stripper
>
> Sex to Keep Warm in the Winter -
> "We like to go skiing up in the Catskills. If we stay in a cabin and
> there's not a lot of heat, what better way to stay warm than to make
> mad, passionate love? It's better than an electric blanket any day." -
> Scott Chelnk, Writer/Editor
>
> Sex as a Cream Rinse -
> "In high school we would try to get girls to suck our dicks by telling
> them that sperm made their hair real shiny. None of them beleived me,
> but I'll betcha it's true." - Michael Cyril, Costumer
>
> Sex for Stress Reduction -
> "Some men like to go to the bar during lunch hour to relax. I like to
> visit my lover. Then I return to work totally relaxed, which lasts about
> an hour, because I have a high pressure job." - Charles Lenhoff,
> Stockbroker
>
> Sex as a Spiritual Experience -
> "Being so totally and completely in love with my mate, I find that sex
> can be a manifestation of godliness. When we connect, I feel at one with
> the Earth, with God and with Life. I feel so whole and complete and so
> holy and nourished." - Rubin Howard, Nursery School Teacher
>
> Sex for Excercise -
> "Sex is great for maintaining physical fitness. My girlfriend has
> really hard thighs from being on top. It's great excercise. She demands
> that I don't come until she finishes her thigh workout. And look at my
> arms. That's just from pumping nookie. It's good for the heart. You
> know, cardiovascular stuff. It's the only excercise I do, and I'm in
> great shape." - Bob Dee Widder, Jewelery Salesman
>
> Sex for Thrills and Adventure -
> "My boyfriend and i live dangerously. We have all kinds of wild sexual
> adventures. Last week we were at the movies, and he was playing with my
> pussy the whole time. It was raining and we were under an umbrella with
> raincoats on. No one could tell what we were doing. It was exciting." -
> Kitty Wichner, Dietician
>
> Sex for a Laugh -
> "I love to laugh in bed. Sex can be really funny." - Georgio Deano,
> Pizza Shop Owner
>
> Sex as a Cure for Baldness -
> "In my early 20s I was still a hippie, and I had this great long hair.
> Suddenly, it stsrted coming out in big clumps. I had this brainstorm
> that if semen could make new people, maybe it could make new hair. So at
> night before I went to sleep, I would masturbate and rub it all over my
> scalp. When I woke up in the morning it would be all dried up, shrunk,
> almost painful. Then I'd wash it out. It definitely worked. My hair
> stopped falling out. I've used a similar treatment for acne." - Fitugu
> Tadesse, Zoologist
>
> Sex for Voice Training -
> "I'm studying singing, and I was really having trouble with a
> particualr phrase. My teacher is great. He said, 'Think of this
> microphone as a cock, and make love to it with your voice, like a sort
> of blowjob with sound.' So I tried it, and it worked great. Now I have a
> microphone fetish!" - Debora Kovacs, Up and Coming Singer
>
> Sex to Acheive Altered States -
> "If I'm having really great sex, all kinds of amazing things happen. I
> leave my body and have an out of body experience. I become breathed by
> the universe, and I go into trance states. I've even had revelations and
> awakened memories of past lives." - Arthur Abarbanel, Crystal Salesman
>
> Sex for Mosquito Bites -
> "When I was 18, I moved out of my parent's house to a little house in
> the country. On my first night, I woke up with a billion mosquito bites.
> I hadn't bought screens for the windows yet. So I open the medicine
> cabinet, and there's no Calamine lotion. So I figured I needed something
> soothing and liquid. Yogurt and sperm were all I had. So I tried them
> both. They both worked." - Darryl Stipanela, Law Student
>
> Sex for a Good Deed -
> "There was this really fat girl, the fattest girl in all of Woodstock.
> We were talking one night, and she confessed to me that the worst part
> of being fat was that she hadn't had sex in three years. So I told her,
> being the nice guy that I am, that I would have sex with her. I didn't
> really want to do it, but I climbed on board. It was like being on a
> rubber raft in the ocean. I fucked her for a good hour. She totally came
> to life. Her eyes were sparkling. It was beautiful to watch. The only
> problem was that afterward she wouldn't leave me alone." - Marco Vassi,
> Erotic Writer
>
> Sex as Art -
> "I'm a very creative person. I like to express myself. They say sex is
> an art. I see it that way, just like painting or performing. I can
> express myself creatively and imaginitively through sex. And beleive me,
> I'm very creative. Very." - Tanya Le Oiep Modern Dancer
>
> So, there you have 101 uses for sex. Well, not quite 101 but close enough.
>
> Remember "Sex - it's what you make of it."
>
> Enjoy
>
> =======------======------======------
> Michael - "The Minister of Architecture"
> 'All humans have a pervasive, unconcious need for a logical universe
> that makes sense - but the real universe is always one step beyond logic"
> Of course they're my opinions - Who else would want them?
> Michael Feely, PO Box 4602, 5125 Margaret Morrison, Pittsburgh PA
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=--===-=-=-=-=-===-=-=-===-=-=-===-===---=-=
From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 23-FEB-1991 07:07:21.81
Well, I have four slide rules, including one that I'm rather fond of. Take
the surface of a slide rule several few feet long, and wrap it round into a
spiral on a rod about one inch diameter. The other edge of the slide rule
becomes a smaller rod which fits inside it, and the cursor becomes an
encasing ring. The result is something looking like a small telescope, with
polished chrome ends, a black casing and the two highly accurate spiral
calculating surfaces which slide out. Accuracy is about an order of
magnitude over a conventional slide rule.
The thing is called the Otis King Calculator. These things were phenominally
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
expensive back in the Slide Rule Era (1060's). I got mine about six years
ago for something less than two dollars. This was only the basic mul/div
model, unfortunately (we bought the last two in the shop, perhaps in the
country) - I'd have loved the trig model.
To this day, I still don't have an electronic calculator - I believe the
things rot the brain. I do most of my calculations on paper (including
hex conversions and so on). And I still remember how to do long division.
The Otis King tends to get paraded out in response to somebody asking for
a calculator.
--
Nick Rothwell, Laboratory for Foundations of Computer Science, Edinburgh.
nick@lfcs.ed.ac.uk <Atlantic Ocean>!mcsun!ukc!lfcs!nick
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Captain Waldorf has analogue filters. You do not. ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Do not try to imitate them or any of their actions. ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
LAST WORD!!!!
From: VAX001::BEEBA "Jesus Christ ---Lord of the Universe, Hope of
the World" 17-FEB-1991 10:59:39.11
From: Jnet%"CJB9F2F@PANAM" "Carol J. Brown" 16-FEB-1991 14:46:55.97
On Friday, this bit of xeroxlore showed up in the teacher workroom of
the elementary school where I work. It really got a big reaction from
the teachers especially coming as it has on the heels of a series of
seemingly arbitrary decrees from administration. Several teachers
believed it (and were fuming mad) for the first few paragraphs.
Carol J. Brown
McAllen, Texas
=====================================================================
RE: RESTROOM USE POLICY
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the
restrooms under informal guidelines. EFFECTIVE AUGUST 27, 1990, a
Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent
method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring
equal treatment of all employees.
Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for
each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given
twenty (20) Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated.
Within two weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being
equipped with personnel identification stations and computer-linked
voice print recognition devices. Before the end of August, each
employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one
under stress) to the Middle School Office. The voice print
recognition stations will be operational but not restrictive for the
month of September. Employees should acquaint themselves with the
stations during that period.
If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the
doors to the restroom will not unlock for that employee's voice until
the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are
being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is
occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty
seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into
the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the
stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.
The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board. Anyone's
picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you
have any questions about this policy, please see me. I have received
advanced instructions.
============================================================================
[And NOW, for what we will loosely term your enjoyment, as we rummage for a
better word, in the tradition of all great conspiracy literatue, from the
Gemstone Files to the Protocols of Zion, we proudly bring you:
<<<<<<<<<<<The Brown Bucket Papers>>>>>>>>>>
Complete and unbowlderzied, sheding a little light on the OTISian faith's
sister cult, the often notorious cult of the Brown Bucket...]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[The Brown Bucket papers are long and fairly confusing. Basically, they
consist of a long and fairly esoteric converstaion among several of the
greatest threats to the American way of lifde in this generation.
Originally, as the Papers suggest, I was privy to a good deal of this
discussion. Unfortunately, all of my messages in response were deleted.
Also missing is the input from Scott Proctor Simpson, Brother two Saints of
the OTISian Faith (Tiff, of the bloody shears and Simpson of Grammer), and
founder of the now imfamous, St. Noden's Seminary, an early rivial to the
OTISian faith (recently closed down for alleged child sacrifices). His
notes somehow got lost in translation. I smell B. Otis, too...
The key players are (in order, I think of appearence):
The grand Vizer of the Church of the Brown Bucket [Messages labled
HAMMRICK], co- founder of the faith along with myself about which you are
about to learn more.
Malclypse 3, aka Mal or Mal3 [Messages labled BARKER], an small
independent businessman (SBI industries, one of the world's largest
contractors of Submarine Pens and surveilence equipment), Mal has been a
confirmed OTISian for a few years now which has in no way affected his
unwavering devotion to his first love, Eris, the Greek goddess of chaos.
B. OTIS, Too, aka "Reid" [Messages Labled CARLBERG], Co-Owner of the now
defunct Sid 'n Sons (SNS) publishing house. The house was firebombed by the
FPO (Fascist Pigs Against OTIS), presumaeably as revenge for something said
about their mothers, in late 1987. It never recovered from the associated
financial losses. Reid now spends most of his time dodging the authorities.
Ocassionally acts as a mouth piece for the anti-Otis... Is he here? You
decide...
St. Tiff of the Blood Shears [Messages Labled SIMPSONST], one of the most
recent Saints of the OTISian Faith, Tiff is the patron Saint of Casteration.
She currently spends her time infiltrating the net, subverting it for the
greater glory of Otis. She is a dedicated follower of whatever religion is
currently paying her the most, and you don't want to know her hobbies.
Trust me.
What the Brown Bucket Papers prove, ultiamtely, is four fold
1. These things aren't anywhere near as interseting transcribed as they
were when they were happening.
2. The Net has a SCARY capacity to create large amounts of dogma in
almost no time at all.
3. The Legendary Cult of the Brown Bucket is, in fact, real, and not just
an odd hoax dreamed up by the peopel who gave me a large brown Rock for my
birthday.
4. These people are far stranger than even I immagined and for saftey's
sake I think I'd better follow Weishaupt's advice and have them all put
away.
I will place all my parenthetical comments in [brackets] and sign them PJ
The messages are in rough chronological order.
It all started with the one below...., a response to the allegation that
Scott Simpson's sister had, in fact, casterated him...]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::HAMRICK 24-FEB-1991 17:01:18.35
To: STEVENSJ
CC: Subj: Browness
The insight has reached us concerning the castration of one Simpson, Scott
to our knowledge, the present Scott Simpson is actually a reincarnated
founder of the Skoptsi sect, and is refusing to acknowledge his birthright
It has also come to us, via holy messangers, that it was originally
called the Scott Sip sect, and we can easily see how this name got
translated as Skoptsi in this lifetime.
As for your questions concerning the Browness, here is only a bit of the
awesome brown truth, as can be revealed to your slow, but exceedingly
pliable, minds . . . ahem, from the great BOOK: 'AND SO IT CAME TO PASS AS
THE TWO HOLY ONES WERE SEEKING KNOWLEDGE IN THE GREAT BERG OF LONDAN DURING
THE GLORIOUS REIGN OF HER MOST ROYAL PAININTHEASSNESS MARGY THE THATCHER,
THE HOLY ONES, TRAVELING WITH A GROUP OF NONTHINKERS, CAME UPON THE PHYSICAL
INCARNATION OF TRUTH -- THE BROWN BUCKET -- AND THEY FELL DOWN IN ADORATION
OF THIS GREAT FIND, FOR THEY WERE IN AWE AND A BIT NACKERED. FORTHENCE THE
BUCKET DID REFRESH THEM AND RESTORE THEIR STRENGTH, VITALITY AND MOST MANLY
VIRILITY. WHEN THEY LOOKED UPON THE GREAT BROWNESS THEY WERE REQUIRED TO
AVERT THEIR EYES UNTIL THEY COULD COPE WITH THE BROWN LIGHT IT WAS EMITTING
. . .
his royal highbrowness has indicated to me his scribe that this is more then
enough information to be released to the pliable minds of the populace,
neverthelss be prepared to think upon these most holy things and be
ready to embrace the true faith of browness, the fastest growing
religion this side of the Rockys.
In humble and discreet Browness
for his most holy G.V.
I endite this
The Brown Scholar=
ps. Pope Man Dude, the check is in the mail and so are the llama dropings
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 25-FEB-1991 10:04:10.12
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: Brown Bucket
Hmm by all means send the B.B. story along. Sounds like fun. Damn I"m
getting a ton of mail from you. Must have been busy all weekend. Well
I"m waiting to print out 500 letters to hunt for subjects so this is
sort of fun to have the stuff around to kill time.
Hmm gota note from the Rev too.
I checked my monetary status and things look good. I think I can
afford a next sooner or later. Also once agian we may be getting on
here becuase the New NOvell stuff we are suposed to get (a $12,000)
value is supposed to spead Unix and Tcp/IP.. Hmm maybe I can get that
mail server and ftp site and archive step up after all. Have it
changed UUCP wise so I can get mail on my machine at home. This could
be a riot.
Hmm just yell when you want another installment of my story. Or if you
need more for Purps. I have almost another 5 pages done.
Mal
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
---
Mal "Wisdom comes through age or superior
barker@fauvax.bitnet technology" --Electro the Robot
barker@acc.fau.edu
mal@umainecs.bitnet SBI-Submarine Pens ask about our OMC equipment
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Scott Simpson denyed the casteration rumor vehemently. In his
characteristically high, sqeeky voice that we who know him love so well, he
explained that there was no truth at all to it-- PJ]
From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 25-FEB-1991 10:09:18.68
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: Re: castration
Maybe he's too embarrassed to talk about it. Afraid people will ask
for him to show them proof.
Or maybe it's a secret and I'm not supposed to be talking about it.
Saint Tif is secretly initating me without my knowledge.
Mal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 25-FEB-1991 10:12:34.46
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: Re: denial of chargers by Saint Dr. Simpson
Sure that's what they all say.....
We want concrete proof here. SIgns from Godess and that lot.
Hmmm as I recall when I first stumbled upon these truths I started
talking about "Cities of Red Night" by Burroughs. Which were supposed
to have taken place in the Gobi...
Well see there was this ancient civilation that destroyed itself in
the Gobi. Bunch of cities. Burroughs writes about in it the book. I
think it was Gyson who told him about it originally.
Does Carcosa and Lake Hali have something to do with the Gobi as well?
Just what all did Simpson get himself involved in?
Mal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::HAMRICK 25-FEB-1991 19:08:27.73
To: STEVENSJ "her Pope"
Subj: inquiry
Dear Sir
What is this I hear about pope on a rope and the world series of yak
tossing?
What about the olympic trials for yak tossing? Are you trying for '92?
I think that you need to trickle some of your wisdom of the bb to the
adoring populace . . . and you need to give me your thoughts on
Otis' relationship to or with the bb . . . . how does one,
namely me go about starting a church or cult recognized by
your eminent eminence? Huh ... .... .... ..
Yours
[[[[{{{{{{ Hawk }}}}}}}]]]
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
[This one's irrelevant and completely confusing. Deal.]
From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 25-FEB-1991 19:37:24.59
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: Re:simpsons
I don't know what hell zine I was refering to. I sort of figured we
had one but....
Hmm Mal upstaged by a pretty girl...for shame.. unless her name is
Eris of course....
Hell I just got a zillion messages from you.... Odd... better check
them out. Hmm pascal code might come tonight. I may have that here on
my home machine.
I was thinking actualy of doing UATS (Universe According to Sub) my
own publication, which you've seen samples of. If I expanded it out to
other writers it wouldn't be as taxing on to write, especially if I
could find some nifty stuff to compliment my work.
Mal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::HAMRICK 25-FEB-1991 19:40:15.18
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: Announcement to the populace
Flash news report: "Sources in the midEast report a sighting of Otis, yes
Otis in a bar near Baghdad. Apparently Otis was seen with a women of
questionable charachter. Sources say that this woman is affiliated with
an underground cult of the Brown Bucket. The Pope could not be reached for
comment but his secreatary said that he would release a news brief soon.
The question on the minds of the populace today is who is this woman and
what is her function in the cult and why was Otis seen caressing her
earlobes. These and further questions will be answered as the news arrives.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::CARLBERG "NEZUMI WA UTSUKUSHII" 25-FEB-1991 19:51:01.54
To: VAX001::STEVENSJ
Subj: RE: he's BAAAAACK!
I've been doing a little research, BTW, and it turns out that the Brown
Bucket is nothing but a myth. Perpetrated by LPUltd and you are simply
spreading it because you are one the take!! Not to mention, the computer!!
Reid
exonerator of those that wud propagate
semi-false religions without the permission
of Pope Jeffe 2, and all those who would
download mildly pronographic GIF files.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[I suggested to mal that if the conversation kept apace, OTIS would soon be
a household word-- PJ]
From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 25-FEB-1991 20:07:09.64
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: Re: Otis a house hold word
As I recall in one of our paper letters we discussed how Otis was indeed
going to be or already was a household word.
I mean look at the Otis Elevator company? It's everywhere. Go to the
atlanta hilton and there it is. Thousands of people go there for
conventions every year and they see the words "OTIS" staring at them
from the steel name plates in the floor and stuff. (Hmm remind me to
tell you some day about how the High School Science Teachers got
banned from a bar there in Atlanta.)
Or take Otis the Drunk from the Andy Griffith show. That loveable
inebriated fellow managed to work his way into everyones hearts almost
as much as dear old Aunt B. (IN fact he got himself into another
religion... the Church of the Epeleptic Screaming Jesus who's god head
consists of Elvis, Foghorn Leghorn and Otis the drunk.)
Hmm sounds like a good idea to me. I'm sure Saint Tif and several
others can tell you the bang up job I've been doing converting the
witless dubes on the relay. Hey look I discovered the Rev that way
who's a pretty cool characters if I do say so myself.
I'd glady do usenet if I had a real account on it. Cybernet is nasty.
Does it even have VI or a real editor to use.
Brown bucket....I know nothing of htis. Probably better that way. Ever
notice how a bucket is shaped like a fez?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mal
From: VAX001::HAMRICK 25-FEB-1991 20:07:34.25
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: Heretics
From his most Browness, the Grand Vizier
"It has come to our attention that certain lizard eaters are indeed
already fomenting untruths concerning the most true faith of the Brown
Bucket. This has indeed been forseen as it is written in the holy scripture
of the BB: "and it shall come to pass in the days of cream chesse and poly-
unsatuarated bean sprouts that there will arise among the holy ones a people
of bad breath who will gainsay and belittle the believers. This is to be
expected for in their constipation they will be wont to utter and excrete
most foul treacle from their oral orifices. Do not be discouraged but take
it as a sign that those unbelievers fear you, even if they staunchly deny it
and take heart in their anxiety, for as they spend their valueless time t
thinking of ways to deny you, they are coming ever closer to the Brown Way "
So it is written in the Book of the Naby Carwashers of Watts verse 22 bk
899.
All of you who have weathered this deluge will be glad to know that the
browning time is soon at hand"
These have been the words of his most Brownness
The G.V
as endited by the Scribe
The Brown Scholar
ps. The Pythia sends her love . . . . . . .
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 25-FEB-1991 20:16:44.85
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: re: he's BAAAACK!
>From: VAX001::HAMRICK 25-FEB-1991 19:40:15.18
>To: STEVENSJ
>Subj: Announcement to the populace
>Flash news report: "Sources in the midEast report a sighting of Otis, yes
>Otis in a bar near Baghdad. Apparently Otis was seen with a women of
>questionable charachter. Sources say that this woman is affiliated with
>an underground cult of the Brown Bucket. The Pope could not be reached for
>comment but his secreatary said that he would release a news brief soon.
>The question on the minds of the populace today is who is this woman and
>what is her function in the cult and why was Otis seen caressing her
>earlobes. These and further questions will be answered as the news
arrives.
Yes who is this woman. You do realize I had to pass the did bit of
information onto to certain higher sources. They were not amused. NOt
amused one bit. I'd stay away from bowling alleys and radios for a
while if I were you.
SO what was Otis drinking? ANd which side of the Tigres was this one
anyways?
Earlobes? how many ears does she have? And did she park here beast
outside (refer to Revelations) Earlobes! Caressing! Hmm sounds like
some sort of mystical code. Pictures use such signs on the baseball
diamond. Was he making a pitch?
And why is the Pope taking so long to explain all this. A an anonymous
phone call to Arani may be in order.
Mal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 25-FEB-1991 20:34:10.07
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: re: belch
>From: VAX001::HAMRICK 25-FEB-1991 19:59:08.37
>To: STEVENSJ
>CC:
>Subj: News
>More news . . . .
> "O.N.A. reports that Otis was scene flying out of Baghdad, aboard his
yak powered slay, accompanied by the mysterious Brown Bucket cult figure as
of yet undetermined. The woman was reportedly dressed in a brown suit and
was carryinghandcuffs and yak fur. Sources report that the couple were
retiring from a party thrown by one Saddam Hussein in his underground
bunker. Sources say the couple were scheduled to arrive in Paris for
breakfast and then a walk to the Eifel. More new as it happens ".
Submitted by Harry Tofit for O.N.A
>Baghdad
Internal sources confirm via satellite indeed some object is flying
over Bagdad, sleight like in appearance , being towed by either musk
ox or buffalo, though yaks possible. The kirillian readings are way
off the scale.
-----
A brown suit of what? Handcuffs?
Maybe they were just having an audiance with Saddam to discuss the
way. Is this woman responsible for it? Where is the Beast we ask
again?
We'll set up some better siting gear on Paris and fire up the OMC just
in case.
Standing by...
Yak fur?
Does this have anything to do with the recent uprising in Tibet?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::CARLBERG "NEZUMI WA UTSUKUSHII" 25-FEB-1991 20:37:50.32
To: MAL,OTIS
Subj: there is no brown bucket.
And if there was, it woldn't matter. We already have the mauve bucket. We
have been hiding it, of course, but it is said that the mauve bucket is more
powerful than the brown buckets. In fact, if you chart the power levels of
buckets, you will find "brown" lower than grey. This is the ranking
1) Mauve buckets
2) Dark Forest Green Buckets
3) Purples-muke buckets
4) bright pink buckets
5) olive drab buckets
6) pale black buckets
7) off white buckets
8) purple buckets
9) grey buckets
10) brown buckets
This is all in _The Official Books of the Buckets of POwer_, SNS Press,
1991,
page 13. And don't blame me if it isn't in your local library*
Econ is for people with nothing
better to do.
[It WAS there until the Ancient Illuminated Rosicrucian Knights of Otis (see
issue 4) burned it-- PJ]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 25-FEB-1991 20:49:41.86
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: Re: Heretics
>From: VAX001::HAMRICK 25-FEB-1991 20:07:34.25
>To: STEVENSJ
>Subj: Heretics
>From his most Browness, the Grand Vizier
> "It has come to our attention that certain lizard eaters are indeed
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Well if you eat lizards who knows what you might
be able to do. Maybe eating lizards makes you insane and thus you do
heretical things. Though if one remembers the teaches on Don Juan, you
can use lizards are powerful allies. I forget the exact process. It's
in one of hte earlier books.
>already fomenting untruths concerning the most true faith of the Brown
>Bucket. This has indeed been forseen as it is written in the holyscripture
>of the BB: "and it shall come to pass in the days of cream chesse and poly-
^^^^^^
Is this chesse similar to the creme found in
twinkie fillings? Who knows what eating that stuff can do. Or is it
cheese wizz like stuff? Ever wondered what it would be like to have
mashed potatoes come in spray containers like chees wizz?
>unsatuarated bean sprouts that there will arise among the holy ones a
people
>of bad breath who will gainsay and belittle the believers. This is to be
^^^^^^^^^^^
What about eating Doretoes and pickled herring. That would do it too
wouldn't it?
>expected for in their constipation they will be wont to utter and excrete
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
There's a song by Screaming Jay Hawkins called 'Constipation Blues'
Could htis be significant?
>most foul treacle from their oral orifices. Do not be discouraged but take
>it as a sign that those unbelievers fear you, even if they staunchly deny
it
>and take heart in their anxiety, for as they spend their valueless time t
>thinking of ways to deny you, they are coming ever closer to the Brown Way
"
^^^^^^^^
What exactly is this? Hmmm?
>So it is written in the Book of the Naby Carwashers of Watts verse 22 bk
899.
>All of you who have weathered this deluge will be glad to know that the
>browning time is soon at hand"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
WHat is this? Reminds me of something having to do with the Church of
hte Argle Bargle.
> These have been the words of his most Brownness
> The G.V
> as endited by the Scribe
> The Brown Scholar
> ps. The Pythia sends her love . . . . . . .
^^^^^^^^^^^
Miss brown suit with the earlobes right? Where's the
beast?
Ponder these words well.
Mal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 25-FEB-1991 21:13:38.88
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: Meditations on the brown bucket
What is the brown bucket? Is it meerly a bucket? A container? an
object? what is it made out of?
Recalling other readings the bucket could be similar to the Holy
Grail. Do people go on a quest for it? Must you have pure heart to
find it? Are there Knights of the Bucket who guard the Bucket in the
bucket castle?
Cups.. Tarot.. is the bucket a cup? A fertility sign?
The caldron of Bran(or is it another Celtic god. A bit rusty here).
Used to bring back to life dead heroes, and feed people. Brew up
potions of intelligence.
Did achillies mother dip her son in the brown bucket? Could the brown
bucket be symbolic of the river Styx?
Why is color so important to. As we see from Carlberg's quoting of the
color scale... Maybe we have to worship the brown bucket because us
meer mortals cannot deal with a bucket of any purer form.
What about a pail?
Hmm jack and jill when up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Hmm O and P when up the hill to fetch a pail of ????
Sometimes truth is found in strange places.
There's also that song about a 'hole in the bucket' where this man
keeps making excuses why not to fix the bucket. Sounds like slack if
you ask me. Are there ties to the frop heads and the brown bucketeers?
Again I ask, why is a bucket shaped like a fez?
There's also a song called 'the old oak bucket'. Burroughs talks of a
club or gathering where people stand around signing htis song then
drink from the water in it which was spiked with an amazon plant that
caused you're teeth to fall out.
Buckets can be made out of slats... slats... slack.. hmmm....
Enough already.
Mal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Saint Tiff get her two bits in...-- PJ]
From: VAX001::WINS%"TSIMPSON%SMITH.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu" 25-FEB-1991
22:07:25.40
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: Re: Valuless dogma
valuless dogma? hmph! i thought it quite amusing to have my brother
castrated.
i don't know... i've always wondered what it would be like to undermine
simpson's power on the net. as for OTISian, you might be slightly amused
to find out that there ARE people out on the net that think that OTISian is
a real old religion that is resurfacing... people unsatisfied with their
established christian views looking for a neato pagan religion have been
converted by me... so far i've only converted 30 people, but its a start.
in the spirit of OTIS i have been telling people things left and right
(all sworn by the word of spode of course)... it's quite amusing... i write
back and forth to them, and each of those 30 have converted 3 of their
friends calling to mind that oh-so-overplayed guthrie song... just one and
they think you're crazy and they don't give you any account, 2 and they
think you're lesbi-gay, but three, and you've started a movement!
lately though, that has not been foremost on my mind... what i've really
been interested in is all the ways i could do away with my parents... i
was thinking that i could drug them, or give my mom weight gaining stuff,
and have her gain massive amounts of weight, and then she would sit on my
father... nononono, that wasn't it... well anyways, have you ever talked
to my mother? she just whines on and on... my brother and i just put down
the phone until the noise stops... did you know that 'a current affair'
isnt' done by actors and actresses? these are REAL people that are on this
show... i know, my best friend is going to be interviewed for it and they
want me to be interviewed too... would it be the OTISian thing to do? i
could always rant and rave about how OTIS wanted her to do it...
that reminds me... i ran into someone the other day who knew something about
the ways of the subgenii... the only problem was that he thought slack was
smack and wrote me off as a druggie... i don't think you should write
druggies off, sometimes they have real things to say... besides, i think its
kinda neat to believe that you can fly, life can get so boring sometimes
So many people use "joke" or "submission" like I was expecting something
else?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 26-FEB-1991 06:11:17.50
Subj: Re: questions
>From: VAX001::HAMRICK 25-FEB-1991 20:39:23.61
>To: STEVENSJ
>Subj: questions
>What is all this computer mumbojumbo when I get a message from Mal? Areyou
>the stevens in question? Are you on a computer sending stuff via internet?
>This beast stuff is crazy christian crap. I think the pytha is going to
>propose marriage to Otis . . . is this stuff getting out to many people?It
>is too good ack... to something to be missed. Fashion indecies indicate
>yak fur is in, oh yeah I think the brown suit might have been yak fur
>Please fill me in on all the stuff please Who is mal?
> Hawk
Who is Mal? *evil echoing villianous laugh*
That's a very good questions. We're not sure ourselves, but he seems
to have an inside line a few things people aren't supposed to have.
These damned satellite photos of embarrassing things keep coming
across our desk.
These phone bills that say "20,000 Legues Under the Sea" as the return
address are along an egnima.
And all this bible stuff what if it comes true.
Is the beast a great seven headed yak with seven horns and seven
crows? Why do the crowns look like burger king crowns?
Rest assured marrage prosals to Otis may be a VERY BAD THING. We'll le
someone else tell you about that, or pay attention to your dreams.
Like we said before. Don't go neat the radio unless you have the
courage to.
Yak fur.. fashion statement? A possible good idea. Now we have a way
of recycling yaks after we've used them up yak tossing. (Then again
yak tossing could be a pun. Ponders TO YAK and TOSSING.)
By the way, even the smallest crazy christian(tm) crap operation rakes
in as much as the IGHF... Let's see some budgetary figures for the
Brown Bucketteers.
This Mal stuff is extremely priviledged information so don't go
passing it around.
Mal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::HAMRICK 26-FEB-1991 17:21:11.82
To: STEVENSJ,SIMPSONS,CARLBERG
Subj: Intelligencia
From the most high brown one himself:
"it has come to our attention that certain cretins have misunderstood the
truth, they have thought it wise to speculate upon the nature of reality
concerning theplace of the BB in the schem of things . . . first of all I
must inform you that Brown is the only color, repeat, only color that is not
represented in the light spectrum or in the rainbow. You might ask what
this means, . . . Well first of all it is important to remember that the
brown color you see is merely an inaccurate representation of the true Brown
which resides in each and every one of us, and in everything. Since brown
is not in the spectrum or in the rainbow it has been determined that brown
is the source, not white, of all color and all things on this plane -- so
any of you who think otherwise must overcome your fear and ignorance, seek
the truth and the truth shall make you feel very, very not so bad . . .
it has also become aparent that a certain heretic, proclaiming that the BB
is merely a myth is untrue, has spread much muck about. We have, in our
wisdom, decided to share with you select few the true nature of our plan:
this heretic has been contacted, contracted and sent forth to continue in
his ways . . .
it is our wisdom that has determined this a good thing, for he will help to
bring people to the faith, they will become most interested in our plight .
. . we have allowed him, it is necessary, to continue to believe and portray
himself as a free willed entity -- so he shall deny this and all reports
that
he is ONE OF US, but we know"
This information must be kept ultra top secret; Herr Pope we trust u
will pass this information along to the right people, beyond Mal
This has been from the GV by The BS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 27-FEB-1991 04:57:51.29
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: A brown study over your latest brown text
>From: VAX001::HAMRICK 26-FEB-1991 17:21:11.82
>To: STEVENSJ,SIMPSONS,CARLBERG
>CC:
>Subj: Intelligencia
>From the most high brown one himself:
Ever notice how brown without the n spells brow? Fishy if you ask me.
>"it has come to our attention that certain cretins have misunderstood the
truth,
^^^^^^^
What do you expect from Cretins? They do worship the snake
goddess after all. Of course they'll be heretics and of course they'll
try to subvert the brown dogma.
>they have thought it wise to speculate upon the nature of realityconcerning
>theplace of the BB in the schem of things . . . first of all I must inform
you that Brown is the only color, repeat, only color that is not represented
in the light spectrum or in the rainbow. You might ask what this means, . .
. Well
How many of the witless dubes out there have actually done the prism
light experiment? Everyone has seen the sucker but.....Hey like they
are lieing to you. Newton and all those other old time supposed
'scientists' were all Mason and Rosi Cross types. The knew the true.
There is brown light, they just hid it from the masses the way
scientist aways do. Lieing to the public to protect their interests.
Hey what ever happened to cold fusion? They shut that up real fast
didnt they? Like I said a lot of scientists are involved in the
Occult society that wants to keep it's secretrs from the masses.
Point two... have you ever tried to get a close look at a rainbow? Hmm
i'ts always miles away. How can you see much detail at taht distance.
The borwn spectrum is just hard to see. If you could get close to
them...and hense find the pot of gold at the end, you'd know the
truth.
There's a movie with Fred Estaire as this lepricon (I think or is it
some other thin type old actor) where they find the pot of gold at th
end of course their rainbow was just a fake mock up. The story has it
they were were going to use a real rainbow with brown in it to
illuminate the masses, but THEY stepped in.
[Important side note: Our sources would have it that the cold fusion
was supressed by none other than the Detriot Illuminati that wretched
gang of thugs who refuse to die and use cheap knock offs of real
technology.]
>first of all it is important to remember that the brown color you see is
>merely an >inaccurate representation of the true Brown which resides in
each and every one
Of course THEY suppressed it.
>of us, and in everything. Since brown is not in the spectrum or in the
rainbow >it has been determined that brown is the source, not white, of all
color and all >things on this plane -- so any of you who think otherwise
must overcome your >fear and ignorance, seek the truth and the truth shall
make you feel very, very >not so bad . . .
Unless they catch up with you. You go talking about the 'true brown'
and you'll wake up with a wavy dagger and a note on the pillow next to
you. Or worse yet, gentlemen in dark suits might come 'a calling.
>it has also become aparent that a certain heretic, proclaiming that theBBis
>merely a myth is untrue, has spread much muck about. We have, inourwisdom,
>decided to share with you select few the true nature of ourplan:thisheretic
>has been contacted, contracted and sent forth to continue in his ways . . .
>it is our wisdom that has determined this a good thing, for he will help to
>bring people to the faith, they will become most interested in our plight .
. .
>we have allowed him, it is necessary, to continue to believe and portray
>himself as a free willed entity -- so he shall deny this and all reports
that >he is ONE OF US, but we know"
Wait. I though he was one of US... Hmmm better check the contracts
there. You might have been short changed.
> This information must be kept ultra top secret; Herr Pope we trust u
>will pass this information along to the right people, beyond Mal
OH it got way beyond believe you me :-)
> This has been from the GV by The BS
^^^^^
What's this stand for?
Should choose your initials more carefully.
Okay so say the brown bucket exists. What do we get from being part of
this brown bucket business? And how much does it cost? I mean the
Otisians have all those heavy dues and have to have Brow over for
dinner once a year.
I mean the 'ultimate in browness' just well.. sounds too much like 'oh
you'll end up in heaven'. Us heathen types want it right now if not
sooner. Can we win the lottery with browness? Can we destroy our
enemies? (It's amazing what a prank phone call to Brow can
accomplish).
And most of all who is the Pythia. She sounds like hot stuff, if old
Otis would fall for her. Then again he is pretty ancient.. Never know
might be slipping a bit.. though gaining more wisdom (got to cover
myself there.)
What type of leaves were in the brown bucket? And why only two? Are
there more now?
What about the Rock too?
We still have not resolved the Fez issue.
p.s. keep in mind we have a secruity leak to the Frop-heads.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::HAMRICK 27-FEB-1991 11:47:12.54
To: STEVENSJ ("Mal" TO), SIMPSONS, CARLBERG
Subj: Response to Mal and his misgivings or missed givings
Ahem . . .
Much controversy or controvesey as they say in the Isles has surfaced
since last we sought to disuade ignorance in the ranks -- cold fusion is not
a secret to those "in the know" someone said (we don't know if this is
true) that the sleigh is really powered by this cf and that the Yaks are
merley adornment.
BB ]]]]]]]{{{{{{{{====== Now that certain snake worshipers (notice how they
try to approach the Pythia {hotter than you'ld think laM} via the animal
people, have let inormation seep out concerning the true nature of light and
coler, let the brown chips fall where they may . . . Now for this Brow
character WE will have to wait and see if ONE OF THE BROWN ONES has taken on
yet another of the multiforms they/he/she/it/who/huh? choose to entertain
themselves with Since there is some confusion below is a little key to the
symbols and positions of the various members/pigeons of the Cult of the
Brown Bucket:
BB = Cult of the Brown Bucket or the Brown Book (of the Cultof the Brown ..)
CBB= Cult of the Brown Bucket
GV or G.V. = Grand Vizier the Holy Portector and Projenator of the Most Holy
Faith and Cult of the Brown Bucket, his most Holy and sometimes quite
fallible Minister of War, Finance,Defense, little children, dogs and
such; this Master is to be regarded as the most reliable source of dogma
and catma as well as being the one most likely to be able to catch up
and have a chat with the Pythia
Pythia = ah well you see she doesn't like us to talk at length about her or
give away her whereabouts/secrets etc. suffice it to say that she is
both a divinity and a human person being but she is beyond even these
she presently is reported to have the ear of Otis (not literally unless
one wishes to talk of personal sexual matters); oh yea, she's the one
you talk to about Truth and lottery numbers etc.
B.S. or BS = the Brown Scholar he is the Cults Scribe to the Pythia, the
Autocrat, the Anumensis
O.N.A. or O.N.S = The Otisian News Agency or News Service a non-profit,
information net designed to share and diseminate interreligious
stuff etc.
More words and such will follow
This has been a comunicae from
The Brown Scholar for the GV
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::HAMRICK 27-FEB-1991 11:53:22.22
To: STEVENSJ,SIMPSONS,CARLBERG,
Subj: ahem again
as for money and the BB etc. we will have to discuss the implications of
cash since most cash is brown, or at least slowly turning brown there must
be some connection remember that the earth is varying shades of brown, your
brain is brown with the sun unfiltered most of our skin is turning brown
well, most trees are brown, or once were, no evolution is not heading away
from brown but cycles in and out of brown -- since all light and color
manifests itself from the brown we have won that argument
tables are often brown as is furniture and some food it all turns brown
when it goes in you, Yaks are sometimes brown
GV
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::HAMRICK 27-FEB-1991 11:58:53.14
To: STEVENSJ,SIMPSONS,CARLBERG
Subj: ahem once again
as to the concept of heaven in BB, well I don't know why people are so
paranoid or is that paranoid is so people, anywho . . . the BB is indeed
a world based religion/cult/mailorderhouse/arcade/emporium that is concerned
with the here and now, if your hereandnow is a heaven (ora hell?!) then the
BB is still for you, you cute person you
G.V
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[To this day we're not sure just who sent the message Reid Forwards and Mal
quotes. I suspect Spode-- PJ]
From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 27-FEB-1991 17:34:07.41
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: My sources say otherswise.
>From: VAX001::WINS%"Bucket@brown.com" 26-FEB-1991 22:34:02.82
>To: CARLBERG
>Subj:
>Return-Path: <Bucket@brown.com>
>Received: from bigbird by vax001.kenyon.edu with SMTP ;
> Tue, 26 Feb 91 21:33:53 EDT
>Received: from by bigbird (4.1/SMI-4.0-DDN-Williams-1.1)
> id AB10625; Tue, 26 Feb 91 22:31:41 EST
>Date: Tue, 26 Feb 91 22:31:41 EST
>From: Bucket@brown.com
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
You call this a real address? Hmmm?
>Message-Id: <9102270331.AB10625@bigbird>
>Apparently-To: carlberg@vax001.kenyon.edu
>So, what's all this claiming I don't exist, he asked? Mauve bucket?
>MAUVE BUCKET??
>You really explect people to fALL for that?
>HAH!
>Please forward this message to the Pope, who syas hi by the way
>Only Not to you
>HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
>PHHHHFFFT!
My sources say otherwise....
FauVax >nic
Trying... Connected.
* -- DDN Network Information Center --
*
* For TAC news, type: TACNEWS <return>
* For user and host information, type: WHOIS <return>
* For NIC information, type: NIC <return>
*
* For user assistance call (800) 235-3155 or (415) 859-3695
* Report system problems to ACTION@NIC.DDN.MIL or call (415) 859-5921
SRI-NIC, TOPS-20 Monitor 7(21245)-4
@whois
SRI-NIC WHOIS 3.5(1090)-1 on Wed, 27 Feb 91 07:57:15 PST, load 10.48
Enter a handle, name, mailbox, or other field, optionally preceded
by a keyword, like "host sri-nic". Type "?" for short, 2-page
details, "HELP" for full documentation, or hit RETURN to exit.
---> Do ^E to show search progress, ^G to abort a search or output
<---
Whois: host *.brown.com
No match for host name "brown.com".
Whois:
@
@bye
Killed Job 31, TTY 170, at 27-Feb-91 07:58:02
Used 0:00:01 in 0:00:52
Connection closed by Foreign Host
FauVax >multinet nslookup
>brown.com
Server: LOCALHOST.FAU.EDU
Address: 127.0.0.1
*** LOCALHOST.FAU.EDU can't find brown.com: Non-existent domain
Yet more proof this brown bucket business is a shuck.
Mal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 27-FEB-1991 17:59:10.64
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: Re: Response to Mal and his misgiving or missed givings
>From: VAX001::HAMRICK 27-FEB-1991 11:47:12.54
>To: STEVENSJ ("Mal" TO), SIMPSONS, CARLBERG
>CC:
>Subj: Response to Mal and his misgivings or missed givings
>Ahem . . .
> Much controversy or controvesey as they say in the Isles has surfaced
>since last we sought to disuade ignorance in the ranks -- cold fusion isnot
>a secret to those "in the know" someone said (we don't know if thisistrue)
>that the sleigh is really powered by this cf and that the Yaks are merley
>adornment.
Oh and Otis isn't "in the know" aye? How come I don't have a cold
fusion toaster hmmm? Why must I constantly pour endless amounts of
florocarbons into my good for nothing auto? Hmm?? My thinks maybe the
reason Otis has a fusion powered sleigh is because P. gave it to him
as a bribe of some sort. Looking back thru the literature one sees no
mention of this sleigh business before this apperance of the ear lobe
caressing P.
>BB ]]]]]]]{{{{{{{{====== Now that certain snake worshipers (notice how they
>try to approach the Pythia {hotter than you'ld think laM} via the animal
>people, have let inormation seep out concerning the true nature of light
and >coler, let the brown chips fall where they may . . . Now for this Brow
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This is generally why one must watch their step in a cow pasture.
>character
I suggest you don't let the mighty Brow hear you address him in this
tone of voice. Talk to the Pope about what happens when you cross this
fellow.
>WE will have to wait and see if ONE OF THE BROWN ONES has taken on yet
another
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This like the King of the World or the Seven Invisible Masters? Or
mabye the secret master in the strict observance. Still if they equate
to any of these who's to say they ain't actually them and this b.b.
busienss is just a front to fatten their coffers with?
>of the multiforms they/he/she/it/who/huh? choose to entertain themselves
with >Since there is some confusion below is a little key to the symbols and
positions
^^^^^^^^^^
Hey wait! I though confusion was a good thing. It is in *HER* book and
she's definitely not worth messing with. Even a cold fusion power
sleight can't say you from *HER*.
>of the various members/pigeons of the Cult of the Brown Bucket:
>BB = Cult of the Brown Bucket or the Brown Book (of the Cultof the Brown..)
>CBB= Cult of the Brown Bucket
>GV or G.V. = Grand Vizier the Holy Portector and Projenator of the Most
>Holy
> Faith and Cult of the Brown Bucket, his most Holy and sometimes quite
> fallible Minister of War, Finance,Defense, little children, dogs and
> such; this Master is to be regarded as the most reliable source of dogma
> and catma as well as being the one most likely to be able to catch up
> and have a chat with the Pythia
>Pythia = ah well you see she doesn't like us to talk at length about her or
> give away her whereabouts/secrets etc. suffice it to say that she is
Secret whereabouts? Hmm whats with the press releases then? HMmm? Do
you know what kind of signature a sleight gives off. Easily detectable
from orbit, not to mention P herself showing up on the orgon
detectors.
> both a divinity and a human person being but she is beyond even these
> she presently is reported to have the ear of Otis (not literally unless
> one wishes to talk of personal sexual matters); oh yea, she's the one
> you talk to about Truth and lottery numbers etc.
If one may be so bold. How does one contact her? I mean how do you get
lottery numbers out of her? Does one rub ones ears? Or does one simply
summon up Otis and she'll follow?
Does she do dreams? I had a dream the other night that I was at this
huge party and someone tried to frame me and my friends for stealing
this wallet full of money. I knew the only way to keep from being
framed was to go defeat all these midgets who were going to attack the
party. I guess the idea was people would be so happy with us killing
off the midgets they'd forgive us for the money even though we didn't
do it.
So we went across the street and into this house and down into the
basement where all the midgets where who immediately began to attack
us with spears and meat cleavers. All we had were belaying pins.
It was a horrible bloody battle but we eventually one after smashing
the midgets to bits or chopping them up with some axes we found.
Does Pythia know what this means?
>B.S. or BS = the Brown Scholar he is the Cults Scribe to the Pythia, the
> Autocrat, the Anumensis
>O.N.A. or O.N.S = The Otisian News Agency or News Service a non-profit,
>
> information net designed to share and diseminate
>interreligious
> stuff etc.
>More words and such will follow
> This has been a comunicae from
> The Brown Scholar for the GV
>
One would hope so. The dogma has barely begun to manifest itself.
Besides it will make a great issue of Purps
Mal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 27-FEB-1991 18:09:55.49
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: Re: ahem again
>From: VAX001::HAMRICK 27-FEB-1991 11:53:22.22
>To: STEVENSJ,SIMPSONS,CARLBERG,
>CC:
>Subj: ahem again
>as for money and the BB etc. we will have to discuss the implications of
cash since most cash is brown, or at least slowly turning brown there must
be some connection
Brown cash? I've heard cold hard cash, but not cold brown cash. Hmmm.
Is cash a symbol of brown because of it's browness? Did these supposed
Great Brown Ones give cash to mankind in order that they would have a
constant reminder of browness?
Or was it an addictive Icon put out by the Gnomes of Zurich to
controll us. An addiction that can buy us other addictions and more
controls over us
Isn't cash supposed to be a BAD THING? How does this reflect on this
B.B. business?
We all know the IGHF is always asking for cash because they want to
rid us of this monkey on our back. Otis revealed to them how to
properly dispose of this evil.
>remember that the earth is varying shades of brown, your brain is brown
>with the sun unfiltered most of our skin is turning brown well,
>most trees are brown, or once were, no evolution is not heading away from
>brown but cycles in and out of brown -- since all light and color manifests
>itself from the brown we have won that argument
>tables are often brown as is furniture and some food it all turns brown
>when it goes in you, Yaks are sometimes brown
As I recall wasn't the emeral city emeral colored because everyone
wore emeral colored glasses?
This looking around the world and seeing brown vaguely reminds me of
the Principia where *SHE* speaks of looking around an seeing all the
chaos *SHE* has given us. We haven't been cribbing dogma have we?
> GV
Finally could the Brown Bucket simply be a mauve bucket painted brown?
Mal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 27-FEB-1991 18:13:37.38
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: Re: Ahem once again
>From: VAX001::HAMRICK 27-FEB-1991 11:58:53.14
>To: STEVENSJ,SIMPSONS,CARLBERG
>Subj: ahem once again
>as to the concept of heaven in BB, well I don't know why people are so
>paranoid or is that paranoid is so people, anywho . . . the BB is indeed
>a world based religion/cult/mailorderhouse/arcade/emporium that is
concerned >with the here and now, if your hereandnow is a heaven (or a
hell?!) then the >BB is still for you, you cute person you
> G.V
What's the address? Where to I apply? Or do I have to summon up P. to
get it?
Mal
________________________________________________________________
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE ISSUE # 15
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Neither censored nor edited. Deal.
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