491 lines
21 KiB
Plaintext
491 lines
21 KiB
Plaintext
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 13
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================================================================
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"Kenyon's Very Own Non Alien Run REPLIES TO: STEVENSJ
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Electronic Magazine" INTERNET: "Stevensj@VAX001.Kenyon.edu"
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* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
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*** P P U U R R P P S
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***** P P U U R R P P S
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******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
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********* P U U R R P S
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*********** P U U R RR P S
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***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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* **** *
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*** *** ***
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**** * *****
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************************************
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****************************************
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************************************
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**** ***** *****
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*** ***** ***
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* ***** *
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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***********
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*********
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*******
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*****
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***
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*
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________________________________________________________________
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SOMETHING WHICH MIGHT, IN THE CORRECT FRAME OF MIND, LOOK SORT OF
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LIKE A TABLE OF CONTENTS
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Introduction: The Unlucky 13th!
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News: The Post Office Takes a Tougher Stance on Crime, Brawling
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at Peace Talks, Ill-Planned Product Names, the B-Day Party of The
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Century, the Archives Grow, More!
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OTISian Rants: The Pope's Birthday Speech, Do the Illuminati
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Control Santa Claus and is Elvis Alive?
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Other Rants: The Complete, Unedited S**t List So Many of You have
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Probably Seen Too Much of Before, A "Top-Ten" list for the
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President's State of the Union Address!
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----------------------------------------------------------------
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INTRODUCTION
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(Everything Forbidden is Optional)
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While I realize it's not fashionable these days, I have
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always had an abiding faith in superstition. I have never been
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able to step on a crack without cringing or make a hopeful
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comment without rapping the nearest piece of plywood. I believe
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in rice at wedings, and I doge the corsage there when ever
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possible. Ladders, spilled salt, balck cats, all give me the
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jitters. I will not speak ill of the dead.
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And here we are on issue 13. Well, so far the magic is
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working. Two friends decided it would be funny to drop a tour
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group into my hands ("Tell them a little bit about the vax")
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while I was CAing yesterday, on Friday I was forced to pledge
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myself to 10-20pgs of my comps done in a single week, and
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apparently several of my friends here have given up associating
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with me altogether.
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Sigh.
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I knew I should have skipped straight to 14.
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Judging from this issue, things will only get worse. The
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administration may very well take offence at the "S**T" list,
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edited as it is, liberals will probably object to the
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satanization of Santa Claus, conservatives will surely grill me
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on the "Top Ten" list for Bush's State of the Union Address, and,
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now that I've advertised it, Scott will probably tell me that the
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surprise this year is that they aren't REALLY giving me a b-day
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party at all haha, and I'll be mugged by the 7,000 people who've
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already paid their two bucks.
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My excuse for all this offensive material?
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It was all so FUNNY....
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PJ
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_______
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News
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-------
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PURPS.STUFF
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GOOD OTIS IT GROWS! Since we last talked, over 60 files have
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been added to the archives. Many of these deal with the current
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war, and they won't be around long, as soon as I fill my quota
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(only 500 blocks to go) I will start deleting the oldest files
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there. They represent, in my humble opinion, very good coverage
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of the war, they are completely un-censored, and contain lots of
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information (like body counts, and the recent assassinations in
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Turkey) which have appeared no where else in the media. Read
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them. War time is a lousy time to be apathetic Kenyon students.
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OTISIAN NEWS
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WHAT WILL THE COLLEGE DO when the channel Six (four?) news team
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and the Columbus branch of the Hell's Angels show up at my
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birthday party THIS FRIDAY? Hard to say... but you can FIND OUT
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FOR YOURSELF, by showing up at lower Dempsey at 10:00pm- 2:00am.
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Beacuse we are not a fraternity, have something like 17 musicians
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playing (including Pimentos for Gus and, we hope, a certain
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faculty member), there will be a two dollar cover charge
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(musicians like to be PAID, don't ya know?). However, for that
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you get a heck of a lot of entertainment (including FREE BEER!
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HAIL OTIS!) and the chance to meet and dance with some of the
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strangest people on the face of the planet. (HAIL OTIS!) Folks,
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this is looking like the best party this campus has seen in a
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LONG while; you would do well to attend, everyone in the WORLD is
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invited, feel free to bring friends and bodyguards.
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OTHER NEWS
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Lai See - South China Morning Post - 02 January 1991
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_Air-Head_
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Concern has often been expressed on this page about the
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activities of market researchers, research and development
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specialists and so on.
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This particularly applies to the academic world, where people
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have a tendency to lose sight of the obvious.
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A Mr. Tetsuo Sugawara, a 24-year-old student at Yamagata
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University, has just asphyxiated himself after taping his nose and
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mouth shut "to observe the effect of breathing on body movement."
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It ceased.
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____________________________________________________________________________
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Lai See - South China Morning Post - 21 November 1990
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_Crap Suzette_
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Yes, those jokers in the international marketing departments are up
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to their tricks again.
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They always seem to forget to check foreign translations of their
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product names. Which is why Britain's _Punch_ magazine reports that
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available on supermarket shelves are:
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Nouveau Pschitt, an orange drink from France.
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Bimbo Bread, loaves from South America.
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Moron, wine from Italy
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Grated Fanny, canned fish from South America.
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Donkee Basterd Suker, sugar from Amsterdam.
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Craps, a milk chocolate bar from France.
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And a brand of toilet paper from Scandinavia called Krapp.
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____________________________________________________________________________
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The U.S. Postal Service ruled that a Johnsonville, NC, postmaster had
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to repay $44 in stamps & money orders that thieves made off with after he
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told them how to open a Postal Service safe in his grocery store. 4 gunmen
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had pistol-whipped him, threatened him, his wife, & 8 others & shot his son.
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The Postal Service said that he failed to "exercise reasonable care."
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In Jerusalem, several legislators brawled in the Knesset dining room
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over the lack of hospitality being shown a visiting Soviet peace delegation
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(whose members were watching).
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431 Air National Guardsmen were flown to a Nashville Bowling Tournament
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in May 1980 at taxpayers' expense of $110,000.
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The Virginia Corrections Dept. decided to air-condition the death
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chamber at the State Penitentiary to make it "more comfortable for
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everybody."
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In 1974 the Consumer Product Safety Commission was forced to recall
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80,000 buttons it had distributed to promote toy safety because they were
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found to be a danger to children. The buttons, which said "for kid's sake
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think toy safety," used a paint with dangerously high lead content, had
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sharp edges & parts that could be swallowed by a child.
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In the Prince George's County, MD, "escape-proof" correctional center's
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first year of operation, 13 prisoners were mistakenly released because of
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human or computer error.
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
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From: VAX001::TUCKER "RCT" 25-JAN-1991 22:18:22.52
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Subj: movie goofs in PURPS
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Concerning Die Hard II, it has also been noted that if someone wanted to
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make a movie about an airport seizure that traps dozens of planes in the
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air, they could have picked a better setting. Washington-National (I think
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it was supposed to be National rather than Dulles, but it's been a while)
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has TWO other international airports within about a half-hour's flight time.
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____________________________________________________________________________
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From: VAX001::WINS%"<LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu>"
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Regarding:
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>* Handmaid's Tale
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> Scene where Ophra(sp?) is holding yarn for Major's Wife, the amount
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> of yarn jump around erratically.
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The name of this handmaid was "Offred". Other handmaids were named
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"Ofglen" and "Ofwarren", and possibly others. This is somewhat important
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to the film, since it demonstrates the degree of subjection of the
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handmaids.
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They no longer had names of their own - just "of" attached to the name of
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their current commander. If "Offred" had later been assigned to Glen,
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her name would become "Ofglen". Fun, huh?
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-Spode
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<huh? there's no chaos involved in this message - but then again, that IS
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chaotic = mustn't always get what we expect...> :)
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----------------------------------------------------------------
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OTISIAN RANTS
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----------------------------------------------------------------
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(in which everything worth knowing about absolutely everything will be
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revealed!)
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[THIS WEEK: The Pope's B-day Speech, Do the Illuminati control Santa Claus,
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is Elvis Dead, More!]
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POPE'S B-DAY SPEECH
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There are two things about that other Pope that have always bothered me;
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that bubble car and that damned window. The fact that he can go shooting
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around in that little white modified golf cart under a bullet proof bubble
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and a full police escort while I'm stuck in a dopey little 78 citation with
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a "Caution Wide Load" sticker on the front bumper and a dollar 98 K-Mart
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imitation police siren on the hood is bad enough, but then he gets the
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window.
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Here's a quick note for all you power mongers, if you want to be an
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insistant success do the following: find a cheap, fourth floor apartment
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somewhere with a window over-looking a small courtyard and start giving well
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advertized but difficult to hear speeches about the state of the world. It
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helps if you keep the speeches short and put a few of your best friends in
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the audience to cheer really loudly at odd intervals, drowing out your
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words. When your speeches are over hold impromptu press confrences with the
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78 media organizations you anounced the speech to in a very small room
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elsewhere in the apartment. After the press has sat there squished for 25
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minutes, send an official representative to appologize profusely that the
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pope has had some urgent bit of business come up and cannot attend today.
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Blamo. Instant success.
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It's not that I'm jealous or anything, but there is something about giving
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speeches from a window or ledge that seems to give people instant
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credibility, and instant association with the larger than life. (Hell, look
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what it did for Mussolini). U.S. presidents seem to prefer the casual
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approach, televised chats by the fireside with the dog and a kid, but I
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think the verdict of history (Curchill, Hitler, Napolean, Lennin, Stalin) is
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clear: if you want your message to stick, wizz 'em with a window or a ledge.
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Every year, while making this speech and promoting the good wholesome
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values of the OTISian faith, I think of that other Pope, and every year I
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make a point of asking for something real tall to stand on and make
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proclamations from, but, with the exception of a single soapbox from
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Preacher Tim, no one ever responds. So once again I have climbed up onto
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the oficial Papal CHAIR to give you my views on the past year.
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Well, forget it. This year I'm holding out for a ledge.
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PJ
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___________________________________________________________________________
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From: VAX001::WINS%"<LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu>"
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From: szady@ATHENA.MIT.EDU
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Subject: A little light humour....do you realize that Santa Claus is an
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Illuminati plot?
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Date: Tue, 25 Dec 90 19:13:24 EST
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Yes, Santa Claus is actually an illuminati plot to make all Xians worship
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Satan. Just look at the evidence before you...
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1. Santa/Satan name anagram
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2. Dresses in Red and black
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3. Friend of cloven-hoofed beasts
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4. Lots of little "elf" helpers.
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5. Lives in a cave in an isolated place
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6. Knows who's been naughty and nice
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7. Seduces people with large amounts of materialistic gifts/favors
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8. Flies through the air on the night BEFORE Christmas. This is VERY
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similar to evil spirits flying through the air the night BEFORE
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All Saints Day (Halloween)
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9. Uses "magic" to enter your house.
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10. Is immortal.
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11. One of them is known as "Saint Nick", the other "Old Nick"
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____________________________________________________________________________
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Subject: Is Elvis Really Dead? (Happy Birthday anyways!)
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NASA'S GALILEO PROBE FINDS NO EVIDENCE FOR ELVIS ON EARTH
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The Galileo science team today announced that the spacecraft's
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instruments failed to find any new traces of Elvis Presley during its
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flyby of Earth last December 8th.
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"It's a tough background subtraction problem," explained Dr. Edward B.
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Rock of Caltech. "We know the planet contains several thousand Elvis
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imitators. You have to distinguish the real thing from many objects
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of similar apperance."
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The method used involved interdisciplinary comparison from several of
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Galileo's sensors. "For example, an Elvis imitator would have a very
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similar appearance to Elvis in the SSI [Solid State Imaging] and NIMS
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[Near Infrared Mapping Spectrometer] data," said Dr. Graham Finale.
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"But no imitator has Elvis's magnetism." Researchers combined data
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from Galileo's sensitive magnetometer, mounted on a 36-foot (11 meter)
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boom, with optical, infrared, and ultraviolet measurements. They are
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capable of identifying a single genuine Elvis among all the other
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features of Earth's landscape. This is a very sensitive technique-- a
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feat equivalent to standing in St. Joseph, Missouri, and
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distinguishing a jellybean in a bowl of amphetamines in Memphis.
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Galileo investigators were cautious about ruling out the possible
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existence of Elvis. "We can only set an upper limit," said Dr. Rock.
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"And we're guessing to some extent at the profile we're looking for.
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If Elvis has lost weight, for instance, he'd have a different infrared
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signature." According to the science team, there are 0.21 plus or
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minus 0.17 Elvises on Earth, a number described as "consistent with
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zero."
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Though speculation has been published in some journals that evidence
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for Elvis might exist on other planets and moons in our solar system,
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most scientists agree that Earth is the most likely place to find him.
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"If, as the new results suggest, there's no Elvis on Earth," said Dr.
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Torrance California, "this lends weight to the supposition that he
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really is dead."
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----- End Forwarded Message -----
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Which reminds me.....
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In some article summarizing the significance of 1990, I did see
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a quote from a psychic to the effect that "It was more likely
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that Elvis was alive this year than it has been for the past
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several years." Perhaps the .21 Elvises found by the Galileo probe
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is only a harbinger of greater numbers of Elvises to come. *GASP* *shock*
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NOOOOOOOOOOO.......!!!!!!!!!
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===============================================================
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OTHER RANTS
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===============================================================
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(in which absolutely nothing will be revealed at all)From:
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VAX001::ZECCHIN "HPHEN OP ON HOPHFENUM ADPETICUS"
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Subj: the uncompleted work of s**t in its many forms
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Hello! Yesterday a strange thing happened at Stanford. A bunch of
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this nation's finest intellects gathered in the middle of the night and were
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melded in an orgiastic rampage of creativity and humor. Here is the
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outcome... the one, the only, the comprehensive S**t List! Feel free to
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make additions and show your friends (assuming you have any.) Of course I
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jest. On with the show...
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RELIGIOUS VIEWS OF LIFE
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Taoism: S**t happens.
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Confucianism: Confucius say, s**t happens.
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Buddhism If s**t happens, then it is not s**t.
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Zen: What is the sound of s**t happening?
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Hinduism: This s**t happened before.
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Islam: If s**t happens, it is the will of Allah.
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Protestantism: Let s**t happen to someone else.
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Catholicism: If s**t happens, you deserve it.
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Judaism: Why does this s**t always happen to us?
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Atheism: I don't believe this s**t.
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Agnosticism: What is this s**t?
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MORE RELIGIOUS VIEWS OF LIFE
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Voodooism: This is chicken s**t.
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Satanism: Sneppah tihs. (say it backwards...)
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Idolatry: Let's bronze this s**t.
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Mormonism: No s**t allowed.
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Moonyism: Give me all your s**t so I can buy a Rolls.
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Jehovah's witness: S**t comes around at 7 a.m.
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Manichaeism: There is good s**t and bad s**t.
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Apocalypticism: Repent, for the s**t is going to hit the fan.
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Lutheranism: S**t works in mysterious ways.
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PHILOSOPHICAL VIEWS OF LIFE
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Utopianism: This s**t don't stink.
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Skepticism: I don't know about this s**t.
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Communism: It's everybody's s**t.
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Nazism: Heil S**tler!
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Cartesianism: I s**t, therefore I am.
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Nietszcheism: Supers**t!
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Epicureanism: Enjoy this s**t while it lasts!
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Freudism: Blame this s**t on your mother.
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Shintoism: This s**t is made in Japan.
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Feminism: Men are s**t.
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Chauvinism: We may be s**t, but you can't live without us.
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Surrealism: Finger painting.
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Conservatism: S**t doesn't change.
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Liberalism: Let's change this s**t.
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Vegetarianism: Mulch!
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Cynicism: Eat s**t and die.
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Impressionism: From a distance, s**t looks like a garden.
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Realism: S**t is s**t is s**t.
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Commercialism: Let's package this s**t.
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Existentialism: S**t!
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Transcendentalism: Return to s**t.
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Deconstructivism: Diarrhea.
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Multiculturalism: Our s**t is different, but we can appreciate it.
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Racism: Our s**t is better than yours.
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Classicism: Constipation.
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Pacifism: Make love, not s**t.
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Materialism: The more s**t, the better.
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Cafeteriaism: Do we have to EAT this s**t?
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Mysticism: Ooooh, s**t.
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Feudalism: You're bound to my s**t.
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Creationism: Let there be s**t.
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Paganism: Holy s**ts!!!!!
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Egelitarianism: All s**t is created equal.
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Yellow journalism: S**t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Patriotism: Love s**t or leave s**t.
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Tetrisism: S**t, I need a long piece!!
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George Lucasism: Star s**t
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Sadomasochism: Whips 'n chains 'n s**t
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That's all folks! Post me with any additions. Jordan: zork.
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Jamie: This isn't sesame street!
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Yours,
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Risa
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A BIT OF KENYON
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Gates of hellism: Donahue thinks his s**t don't stink
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Kenyonism: Same s**t different day!
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Otisism: Hail Bull S**t!!
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Popeism: Hail Super Bull S**t
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Spodeism: S**t comes in brown paper packages
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English Majorism: Bloody S**t!!
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Vaxism: Worthless s**t
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Administrationism: Throwing the s**t
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Drinking Gameism: Getting s**t faced
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Bushism: A thousand points of s**t
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Sadammism: S**t Can U Duck?
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BU-SHyism: BU-ll SH-it
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CAism: C-an't A-nswer for s**t
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-------
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Not Yours,
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The Zeck Man
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A BIT OF JUSTIN ESTES
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Justin-Estezism: Buttloads of s**t
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Zecchinism: That blows chunks of s**t
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Scottism: Mmm, tasty s**t...
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Justin-Hillism: Blow the s**t away
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Drewism: It may stink, but it's cool s**t (not to be confused with
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Druidism: natural s**t)
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Carrotism: Bush is s**t
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Tofferism: I haven't eaten s**t in days
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Estesism II: Keep on rockin' in the free s**t
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Bourgeois-Liberalism: Land to the s**ts
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Bushism: In the new world order, s**t don't stink
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____________________________________________________________________________
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Top Ten Facets of Bush's State-of-the-union Speech
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10) Kept profanity to a minimum
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9) Cue card girls were outfitted by Frederick's (sp) of Hollywood
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8) Snuck the phrase 'penis breadth' by the censors
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7) Dan Quayle stayed awake for almost half of the speech
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6) Excellent use of hand puppets to enhance critical points
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5) Clever way of using the name of Mother Theresa and Saddam
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Hussein in the same sentence
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4) Advancing age has not dulled Bush's eloquent speaking voice
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3) Provided two more clues to Pepsi's 'Crack the Code' contest
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2) Maintained composure while an obviously intoxicated Barbara Bush
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was dragged from the room
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..and the Number One Facet of Bush's s-o-t-u speech
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1) President's speech did not pre-empt 30 year-old B-grade movie
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showing on cable super-station TBS.
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________________________________________________________________
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE ISSUE # 13
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Neither censored nor edited. Deal.
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