883 lines
44 KiB
Plaintext
883 lines
44 KiB
Plaintext
================================================================
|
||
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, #6
|
||
================================================================
|
||
"Kenyon's Very Own Non Alien Run REPLIES TO:VAX004::PURPS
|
||
Electronic Magazine" PURPS%VAX004.DECNET@VAX001.Kenyon.edu
|
||
|
||
* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
|
||
*** P P U U R R P P S
|
||
***** P P U U R R P P S
|
||
******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
|
||
********* P U U R R P S
|
||
*********** P U U R RR P S
|
||
***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
|
||
*****
|
||
*****
|
||
*****
|
||
*****
|
||
* **** *
|
||
*** *** ***
|
||
**** * *****
|
||
************************************
|
||
****************************************
|
||
************************************
|
||
**** ***** *****
|
||
*** ***** ***
|
||
* ***** *
|
||
*****
|
||
*****
|
||
*****
|
||
*****
|
||
***********
|
||
*********
|
||
*******
|
||
*****
|
||
***
|
||
*
|
||
________________________________________________________________
|
||
SOMETHING WHICH MIGHT, IN THE CORRECT FRAME OF MIND, LOOK SORT OF
|
||
LIKE A TABLE OF CONTENTS
|
||
|
||
Introduction: The First Actually On-Time Thunderbolt Ever!
|
||
|
||
News: People Eat Bugs!, Air Force Worries Over Pregnant Horses,
|
||
Reasons to go to Church, Reasons to do a Good Job at Work, Letter
|
||
From "Dessert Shield", MORE!
|
||
|
||
OTISian Rants: BANQUET OF THE GOD(ESSE)S, Spooky Aliens Stuff,
|
||
"Ben and Jerry's" Flavors Which Never Made it Past R&D
|
||
|
||
Other Rants: Newest OTISian Initiates Speak!, Innocent Purps.dis
|
||
List Member Fed to EVIL OTISian god in Grotesque Ceremony!
|
||
(Friends say she wasn't paying close enough attention to THIS
|
||
MAGAZINE!), Smilies Return!!, Cheesy Art!, Dis.list EXPANDS!
|
||
|
||
----------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
INTRODUCTION
|
||
(The First Actually ON TIME "PURPS" ever!)
|
||
|
||
LIBATIONS FOR OTIS!!!!!!!!!!
|
||
|
||
NEXT Saturday (Nov 3rd, I think, not halloween party
|
||
weekend) from 8-10pm (i.e. before the more interesting stuff on
|
||
this campus starts) The_Purple_Thunderbolt_of_Spode will be
|
||
sponsoring the first ever OTISian libation party! OTIS is
|
||
obviously not pleased with us (just look at, oh, I don't know,
|
||
the weather) now, so we are going to attempt to PACIFY HIS/HER
|
||
MOST SACRED SELF. Which means that for the first half of the
|
||
party we will run around pouring cheap wine on trees and things,
|
||
invoking his/her most divine eminence and generally creating
|
||
mayhem. For the second half we will libate ourselves by drinking
|
||
the leftovers. RSVP, or don't (I don't care, if you don't show
|
||
up I'll go off and do this MYSELF) to VAX004::PURPS. Non-
|
||
alcoholic libations will also be available to douse other things
|
||
and self with. We don't want OTIS to get TOO drunk after all.
|
||
The last time we did that Sen. Helms got himself elected. HAIL
|
||
OTIS!!! and see you there or I'll end up VERY drunk all on my
|
||
own.
|
||
|
||
All right! Now that that's been done, it falls on me only
|
||
to say that this is one of the longest Thunderbolt's to date, so
|
||
I'm going to skip most of the introductory stuff. Welcome,
|
||
BRIEFLY, however, to our New Members. New Members seem to be
|
||
massing around Purps like "flies to slime" (as Scott put it). We
|
||
are glad to have you here. Fair warning, 'though, the following
|
||
pages contain virtual HEAPS of deranged strangeness compiled
|
||
together for the specific and sole purpose of FREAKING YOU OUT.
|
||
Although, judging from some of the mail you new 'uns have sent
|
||
me, it may be a little late for that. Feel free to take full
|
||
advantage of the benefits conferred to all Purps members, fiddle
|
||
with the archive program (more on this later) to learn STRANGE
|
||
and interesting stuff, read the attached dis.list list to learn
|
||
the names of the other members of this fast growing group of
|
||
abnormals (and please feel free to volunteer the names of others
|
||
who may be interested in what we do, the more the merrier here at
|
||
Purps), SUBMIT neat stuff to be reprinted here (anything odd will
|
||
do) and REVEL in the strange looks other people will give you as
|
||
soon as they know you belong here.
|
||
|
||
HAIL OTIS!!!! HAIL CREIZA!!!! HAIL SPODE!!!!
|
||
|
||
"POPE" Jeoffee I
|
||
|
||
----
|
||
"Purps" is now a bi-monthly publication. You will not see
|
||
one until the week after next. Really.
|
||
|
||
_______
|
||
News
|
||
-------
|
||
|
||
>>PURPS STUFF
|
||
|
||
The Purps.Arh program, "@Purps.arh", is being
|
||
constantly improved. The type function now page scrolls (ctrl-c
|
||
skips to the next file if you're doing a bunch), every option
|
||
accepts wildcards (use them sparingly, huh?), two new functions
|
||
have been added, Print and List New Files, and now the mail
|
||
function lists everything as coming from your username, not Purps. I
|
||
don't know who did this last one, actually, but don't be
|
||
confused...
|
||
|
||
>>OTISIAN NEWS
|
||
|
||
MERCHANDISE WARS!
|
||
|
||
Official OTISian merchandise is a beast which rears it's
|
||
head only upon serious demand. That means that I print up only
|
||
as many t-shirts, badges, etc., as I think I can sell quickly.
|
||
So, after dumping off the last of the old batch of t-shirts (the
|
||
ones I couldn't sell, no one seeming to want large or medium
|
||
sized "T"s) for free, I had no set plans to whip up any more.
|
||
HOWEVER, it seems that in the "seriously ravage the bag on Jeff's
|
||
door" free-for-all which followed my announcement of free "T"s, a
|
||
lot of people got trampled by the more aggressive crowd behind
|
||
them and had to veer of the path to room 403 to get medical
|
||
attention. When they returned, the "T"s were all gone.
|
||
|
||
Since then I've gotten several complaints.
|
||
|
||
AND, more importantly, and offer from Domminic Fucci (a
|
||
professional artist in Oregon) to crank out as many T-Shirts as I
|
||
ask for for no more than $7.00 a shirt, maybe less.
|
||
|
||
So, here's the deal; if you failed to get a shirt in the
|
||
last free-for-all, or are a 700 pound gorilla and only got a
|
||
"adult medium", and you are willing to shell out NO MORE THAN
|
||
$8.00 for a red and black version of the original OTISian "T" (or
|
||
other colors, send your votes), send a mail message NOW to PURPS.
|
||
If I get enough responses, I'll do another run. THIS time XL,
|
||
XXL, and XXXXXXXL (well, maybe not the last) will be available,
|
||
so when the d-mn thing shrinks in the drier, you'll still be able
|
||
to wear it. Other styles may also become available if this
|
||
works.
|
||
|
||
ALSO: (OTIS, does he EVER SHUT UP?) I can get more watches like
|
||
the one you have all seen me wearing and admired, for $22 a pop,
|
||
men's or women's styles. Real leather, real gold, "real good".
|
||
Japanese quartz accuracy (none of this fancy swiss stuff), and a
|
||
lot of fun. For this one I need money up front I'm afraid. If
|
||
YOU have something you want put on a similar watch, I'll give you
|
||
an address of a co. who'll do it for $15.00ish. Up to six people
|
||
can take advantage of this offer, or 12 or more. Again, write
|
||
and ask.
|
||
|
||
>>OTHER NEWS:
|
||
|
||
Oregon State University entomologist Michael Burgett reported in April that the
|
||
average American eats about a pound of bugs a year-- the aggregate of bug parts
|
||
that appear in certain foods and that are too costly to remove. Burgett said
|
||
that bugs generally provide more protein than an equivalent amount of other
|
||
food.
|
||
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
The Chinese government executed 12 male and 6 female factory managers by
|
||
firing squad at a refrigerator plant just outside Beijing in October because
|
||
the poor quality of their products constituted "unpardonable crimes against
|
||
the people of China." Customers had complained for years about waiting five
|
||
years for refrigerators that were unusable when delivered.
|
||
_____________________________________________________________________________
|
||
University of Florida researchers revealed in March that the U.S. Air Force
|
||
is paying $100,000 for a study to show whether low-flying F-4 Phantom fighter
|
||
jets affect the health of pregnant horses that live near military bases. The
|
||
researchers will use simulated noise rather than actual jets.
|
||
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
James L. Bowman, 43, pleaded guilty in Delaware, OH, in May to having bilked
|
||
an elderly woman out of $90,000. Asked why he committed the crime, Bowman told
|
||
the judge, "I feel I have a need to buy things. I don't know why I buy."
|
||
_____________________________________________________________________________
|
||
A 34-year-old Saint Paul woman was arrested recently for slugging her husband
|
||
with a cordless telephone because, she said, he had fallen asleep during
|
||
church earlier in the day.
|
||
[That'll teach YOU not to go to church!]
|
||
____________________________________________________________________________
|
||
[An Interesting little something snatched quietly from the official 'zine of
|
||
the MOOSE Illuminatti. PJ]
|
||
{This letter was originally submitted to the POLITICS list by Harl0ck. His
|
||
introductory remarks will explain more.}
|
||
|
||
This morning's "Central Michigan Life" [Sept. 28] had an interesting
|
||
article concerning what was going on in Saudi Arabia. Briefly, a mother of one
|
||
of the soldiers in SA received this letter. For reasons that will be clear
|
||
when you read it, it enraged her, and she's been going public with it, because
|
||
she fears for her daughter's life. The letter was printed in its entirety in
|
||
CM Life, and it is from that I'm taking what is below. The mother's name is
|
||
Bobbie Slockum, and her daughter (the soldier who wrote the letter)'s name is
|
||
Debbie, although Debbie's last name is different from her mothers. No spelling
|
||
errors in the letter were corrected.
|
||
-------------------------
|
||
Mom,
|
||
I was really hoping I didn't have to write this letter. I didn't want you
|
||
to know what was really going on - cause I didn't want you to worry about me
|
||
any more than you already do.
|
||
I hope this letter makes it to you - I don't know if they go through our
|
||
mail. But I feel that our families have just as much right to know what we're
|
||
up against as the soldiers do.
|
||
About four days ago, they took all our ammunition away from us. They
|
||
said they didn't want us to hurt each other. We're sitting ducks. Five to
|
||
seven thousand soldiers in one building - and no ammunition.
|
||
They've rendered the whole division defenseless. I think that's really
|
||
stupid. Mom, I'm really scared. I can't remember a time in my life I was
|
||
more scared than I am right now.
|
||
Our commanders finally decided to tell us what's going on. And it isn't
|
||
pretty at all. I don't know what the news is telling you back home - but I'm
|
||
gonna tell you how it really is.
|
||
This is one of those "you better sit down" letters. There has been
|
||
several known terrorist groups found inside our perimeter. Something that
|
||
wasn't supposed to be able to happen. They are planning to hit two (that we
|
||
know of) places where U.S. soldiers are at.
|
||
King Fahd International Airport - which is where we are at (with no
|
||
ammunition) and Da-ha-ron Airport, where all our equipment and supplies come
|
||
in. That we could figure out. We're prime targets.
|
||
Yesterday they found a terrorist *inside* our building where we sleep.
|
||
He was carrying blueprints to the building. They were marked where all our
|
||
air missiles are located - where all the units are located inside and where
|
||
all the officers sleep. We were told that the shit could come down any day
|
||
now.
|
||
This isn't summer camp. I could lose my life - and I don't wanta die.
|
||
I don't want to be here. And I don't want to die. Mom - I'm scared.
|
||
Please pray for me. Pray for all of us over here.
|
||
I didn't want to cry before - cause I didn't want to look like a fool.
|
||
I'm crying now. I don't want to die - and I might not get to see my family
|
||
again. If that makes me look like a fool - then I'll be a fool.
|
||
I love you Mom - and I'm gonna do what ever it takes to come home alive.
|
||
P.S. Please pray for Becky, too. I love her very much.
|
||
|
||
[Some scary stuff, indeed...]
|
||
_________________________________________________________________
|
||
OTISIAN RANTS
|
||
-----------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
(in which everything worth knowing about absolutely everything will be
|
||
revealed.)
|
||
|
||
THIS WEEK: BANQUET OF THE GOD(ESSE)S!
|
||
|
||
It must have been well past 1:00am with the rain pelting down and the
|
||
rhythmic swish of the windshield wipers becoming increasingly annoying, when I
|
||
saw the sign. I had just crossed the boundary from Idaho (the "Plenty o'
|
||
Parking Space" state) and had made the decision to pull over at the next
|
||
available rest area. A cold night in a cramped car didn't appeal much to me,
|
||
but the Delco had busted, and the prospect of driving the remaining 700 miles
|
||
with nothing to keep me awake but the whine of AM static did not entice me.
|
||
|
||
The sign was for a Holiday Inn, one of those big electric monstrosities
|
||
which hums if you get close enough to it and has space under the logo to put up
|
||
lettering. The sign itself was a relief; the lettering was a shock. I had to
|
||
read it twice before it made any sense "BNQT OF THE GODS/ESSES" it said,
|
||
"WECLOME OTIS ERIS BOB(c) AND FRIENDS." and then, somewhat lower, "ELKS DINNER
|
||
TONIGHT! HPPY 50th ELMO!"
|
||
|
||
"Are you with either party, sir?" The desk clerk was a shortish bored
|
||
looking man, who barely seemed to be able to muster the energy to speak over
|
||
the dull roar emanating form the twin ball rooms behind him.
|
||
|
||
"No, actually. I'm on my own."
|
||
|
||
He gave me a pitying look. "Well, I'm sure you could walk right in if you
|
||
wanted to. They're all too drunk to notice the difference anyway. Here we
|
||
are, room 235, just up the stairs...." He jerked his head in a vague
|
||
direction. "Have a nice night. And there are automatic fire alarms on the rear
|
||
exits so be careful when you use them." (They always seems to peg me.)
|
||
|
||
"Help you carry your vestal garments, sir?"
|
||
|
||
"Sure", I said, without turning around, determined not to notice a bellhop
|
||
who didn't show until I was halfway up. I continued to trudge the remaining
|
||
stairs and acknowledged his presence only when we arrived at the door. He had
|
||
brushed straight passed me and had begun to fiddle with the lock. It took a
|
||
few moments, but the door finally opened, and he hastily shoved what looked
|
||
more like a long thin piece of wire than a skeleton key back in his coat.
|
||
|
||
"Aren't you a little old to be a bellboy?" I asked. The point of fact
|
||
being that he was old enough to be my father, and looked like a father too,
|
||
only with strange wild eyes bulging out from a face that could have been
|
||
mistaken for Ward Cleever's.
|
||
|
||
"Actually, I'm not a bellboy", he said taking the tip from me "I'm a guest."
|
||
He plopped down on the bed, put a quarter into the magic fingers machine,
|
||
tossed off his shoes and lay back, taking deep drags on a pipe which hadn't
|
||
left his mouth yet. "This" he said "is the life."
|
||
|
||
"Uh-huh" I said, "Would you mind dousing that? It stinks."
|
||
|
||
"Hmmm? Oh, the Pipe. It doesn't go out. Sort of perpetually lit."
|
||
|
||
"What's in it?"
|
||
|
||
"Yak dung, actually. I find it helps me think."
|
||
|
||
The thunder outside had gotten so loud that even the smaller windows were
|
||
shaking.
|
||
|
||
"Quite a blower." I said.
|
||
|
||
My uninvited guest was silent for a minute, then snorted.
|
||
|
||
"He's just mad 'cause I beat him in poker. See?" He pulled out a large wad
|
||
of bills from nowhere "now _that_ is a nice heap o' slack."
|
||
|
||
I started to ask him to go, but he seemed suddenly fast asleep, so I grabbed
|
||
a few of the higher denominations from his hand (Church donations) and wandered
|
||
my way down the stairs.
|
||
|
||
As I rounded the corner, the desk clerk was anxiously shouting down his
|
||
phone. "That's _Weishaupt_ _W_E_I_S_H_A_U_P_T. What? No, I'm the eighth. My
|
||
father died last year in a freak yachting accident..... Listen, just tell them
|
||
that 'They're all here and the time is ripe.' That's right, all of them. I
|
||
think even Pope Geoffee just--" Seeing me he slammed down the phone, and
|
||
resumed his bored look. "Awful, isn't it?" he said, jerking his head towards
|
||
the noise. "Next week it'll be the Rotarians."
|
||
|
||
"Jeoffe! Gepheee! Jeffee! Is that you?"
|
||
|
||
I turned to face a tall impressive being of indeterminate sex, with a lamp
|
||
shade over his/her head and a rubber chicken dangling from a loose belt.
|
||
|
||
"OTIS!" I said, awed, dropping to one knee, "OTIS! OTIS...." I breathed in
|
||
and nearly passed out "OTIS you're drunk."
|
||
|
||
"Yeah", said his/her most benign benevolence. "I'm beginning to suspect
|
||
that Eris spiked the punch. But that's not important. Glad you're finally
|
||
here!" (S)he took me by the arm and started to drag me towards one of the twin
|
||
double set of ballroom doors. "There are some beings here you just have to
|
||
meet."
|
||
|
||
On that (s)he shoved the doors opened and I found myself looking a large
|
||
room with four long tables in it, clearly set for a formal dinner. The tables
|
||
were covered with used dishes, crumpled paper napkins and food scraps and the
|
||
silverware was in disarray. Around three of the tables sat elderly men, all
|
||
adorned with fezzes decorated with antlers and all staring aghast, towards the
|
||
raised table in the front of the room. Some seemed to be bowing in submission.
|
||
One had apparently passed out.
|
||
|
||
There, behind the table, lit by an eerie light, was a most impressive
|
||
figure. A ten foot high perfectly formed human being whose head was clearly
|
||
that of an adult elk sat hovering two several feet above the ground, with his
|
||
legs in a lotus position, and a huge pyramid topped with a glowing eye behind
|
||
him.
|
||
|
||
"Futhermore" he was saying, "You must return to your homes and DIVORCE YOUR
|
||
WIVES, remarrying instead to someone named "Moon Glow", then, you must quit
|
||
your high paying accountant jobs and move to the woods to eat granola and do
|
||
subsistence farming. There, you must build for yourself a large bathtub, and
|
||
it must constantly remained filled with gold fish. You must never wash there,
|
||
but take long showers instead, explaining to your friends that it is for
|
||
"aesthetic" value. Your house should be built WITHOUT WINDOWS, and should
|
||
contain nothing with in it that begins with the letter "r". No door, but a
|
||
large hole in the roof--"
|
||
|
||
"Opps", said the deity at my side "wrong room. SPODE! Cut that out!"
|
||
|
||
"The figure turned towards us, widened its eyes and melted into a perfectly
|
||
normal looking business man. He trotted over to where we were standing.
|
||
|
||
"You" he said to OTIS "never let me have ANY fun. Hello, Pope."
|
||
|
||
As we closed the door I heard the muffled crash, as someone fainted and
|
||
their chair toppled over.
|
||
|
||
{To be Continued}
|
||
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
AND! WEIRD ALIEN STUFF!
|
||
From: VAX001::WINS%"<BARKER@ACC.FAU.EDU>" 21-OCT-1990 08:27:42.72
|
||
Subj: Space aliens
|
||
From: IN%"bwdavies@rodan.acs.syr.EDU"
|
||
|
||
[This one, folks, requires a little explanation.... It's a highly abbreviated
|
||
account of a "conversation" (really mail messages going back and forth, for you
|
||
non-tekies) on one of the Net's many news groups. I've dropped little notes in
|
||
|
||
explaining what's going on. Sorry this is so long, but it was TOO FUNNY to be
|
||
missed. Of COURSE we have the full text available, it's called ALIENSLAND.ARH
|
||
"POPE" Jeofeee1]
|
||
|
||
Just something I thought you should be aware of. Something happened here and
|
||
our newsrc got trashed so I started over and this popped up....
|
||
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
[The conversation starts out nice and simply, with a little bloody infighting
|
||
on a pointless topic, then, this thing appears...]
|
||
|
||
Organization: University of New Mexico, Albuquerque NM
|
||
Attention all alien visitors! Hello.
|
||
|
||
This is not a trick although you may think so. We are looking for
|
||
others like ourselves. We come from Alderon. We are of the Molven
|
||
Clan and we need help. We have but a short time to complete our mission.
|
||
We are looking for specific entities as well as any general help.
|
||
The names are:
|
||
Nimbelphoote
|
||
Domonic
|
||
Frederic
|
||
Johnathon
|
||
Jessica
|
||
Ailden
|
||
Sharon
|
||
Gwendolyn
|
||
Timiten
|
||
Karin (Karen)
|
||
What is happening here is real, although its appearance might be
|
||
misleading. We have taken a serious risk by posting this. Only
|
||
serious responses will be required. We have many questions and
|
||
many answers. Please feel free to ask anything.
|
||
Sincerely,
|
||
Frederic and Domonic Molven
|
||
- CUE -
|
||
PS: The names mentioned above were pre-arranged with the individuals
|
||
needing to be contacted.
|
||
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
[For a while, sane people ignored the message, seeing no green, bug-eyed
|
||
strangers among us, they assumed everything was alright. Then, one got
|
||
curious...]
|
||
|
||
>From: RBURNS@MAINE.BITNET
|
||
Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors
|
||
Subject: RE: Help Needed
|
||
Organization: University of Maine System
|
||
|
||
Ok...I'll bite....
|
||
*How* did you get here, what is your mission, and what sort of help do you
|
||
need? (excuse me while I change into overalls and adopt an okie accent)
|
||
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
[Apparently the 'OKIE ACCENT' inspired our friends, they responded...]
|
||
|
||
Subject: Tonight at Ken's Pancakes on El Camino Real in Redwood City
|
||
Sender: bR'gnth@near.mars
|
||
|
||
Hi y'all. Well gosh durn it, I hope I got this here'n accent right.
|
||
We've been watching your TV show Bonanza over and over to try and
|
||
learn how to speak right. We received some BBC broadcasts and were
|
||
trying to figure out what they were saying, but couldn't. ?What is
|
||
a douche? ?We thought that is what you say when you are fencing?
|
||
|
||
The real reason I am writing is to let you know that we'll be landing
|
||
tonight in the Bay area, after which we'll go for pancakes at Ken's.
|
||
We'll sit at the counter, right next to the cash register. Please
|
||
stop by and say hello. Also, we're a little short of local money, so if
|
||
you could give us some samples so that we can program our replicators
|
||
to make some more, we'd appreciate it. Large denominations are prefered,
|
||
and of course we'll make some for you too.
|
||
|
||
Please, this is serious, we have injected this message into the alt.net
|
||
using our superior technology as proof of our serious intentions.
|
||
|
||
Thank you for your support.
|
||
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
[One Skeptic apparently didn't BELIVE that Aliens would willingly model
|
||
themselves after out dated camp television personalities. Or maybe he's
|
||
serious; at this point it's hard to tell...]
|
||
|
||
>From: jlhaferman@l_eld09.icaen.uiowa.edu (Jeff Haferman)
|
||
|
||
Before you visit Ken's, visit us. We can make your stay here more
|
||
comfortable. Who are we?
|
||
|
||
ASHLAASQWWIOIQ
|
||
|
||
The first and last word in Extra-Vehicular Active Wear. We've been
|
||
a consistent leader in supplying space aliens with portable life support
|
||
systems and attire for: the tennis court, swimming pool, golf course,
|
||
just about anywhere you would want to enjoy while visiting planet earth.
|
||
|
||
Winner of the Venutian Space Station Freedom Award 4 years running.
|
||
|
||
(makers of the Uranus Wiper)
|
||
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
[Ah, yes, Brad Zaller, never thought I'd see him again. This is the guy who
|
||
helps run "Alink", Apple's once in-house, now in the "real world" network. A
|
||
long time ago I tried to set up an OTISian weirdness discussion board there.
|
||
The Big Wigs thought that "Apple wouldn't appreciate that kind of thing on it's
|
||
system." I put it up anyway. Brad wrote and congratulated me. Later, I found
|
||
him in an "ILLUMINATTI" discussion corner, I think.... Skeptical he is, but
|
||
also a very amusing man. Mostly, of course, this message has nothing but
|
||
sentimental value for me....]
|
||
|
||
>From: brad@Apple.COM (Brad Zaller)
|
||
Subject: Elvis
|
||
Organization: Apple Computer Inc., Cupertino, CA
|
||
|
||
Hey, Elvis is reading this newsgroup, isn't he?
|
||
___________________________________________________________________
|
||
Bradley C. Zaller | "See this glass of milk? Well, to you, it
|
||
Apple Computer, Inc. | would be like swimming in fog."
|
||
brad@apple.com | -- Tim, talking to Gertrude the fish
|
||
___________________________________________________________________
|
||
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
[The Aliens chose to ignore Brad, and, for their own saftey, get out of the Bay
|
||
Area. They went to Chicago.]
|
||
|
||
>From: bR'gnth@near.mars
|
||
Subject: Tonight at the 50s/60s McDonalds in downtown Chicago
|
||
|
||
Well, the other night at Ken's was such a great success, we're going
|
||
to do it again. We'll be sitting under the picture of the Beatles
|
||
on the sixties side. In order to satiate our enormous appetite for
|
||
McDonalds Big Mac Wrappers, we would be pleased if you would drop
|
||
off your expired wrappers so that we don't have to dig them out of
|
||
the trash. We are also intrigued by the idea of Sushi, does anyone
|
||
know of a good place in Chicago for some?
|
||
|
||
Those of you who brought the large denomination currency are much
|
||
appreciated. We desire very much for a shopping trip through the
|
||
famed Water Tower Marshall Fields; we would be very pleased if some
|
||
of you would lend us your Marshall Fields credit card so that we might
|
||
partake of this great American institution. As usual, we'll reciprocate
|
||
in kind, say a birds eye view of Chicago from our spacecraft.
|
||
|
||
re: the kind offer of extra-vehicular outer wear. Thank you very much
|
||
for your kind offer. Regret that we are oxygen breathing, carbon based
|
||
life forms, and as such find that our regular garments suffice quite well.
|
||
|
||
Please, this is serious, we have injected this message into the alt.net
|
||
using our superior technology as proof of our serious intentions.
|
||
|
||
Thank you for your support.
|
||
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
[Of, course, it wasn't long before some academic got a GREAT idea for his
|
||
comps.
|
||
("OZ", by the way, stands for Australia.)]
|
||
|
||
>From: paul@surf.sics.bu.oz (Paul Davis)
|
||
Hi,
|
||
|
||
I appreciate this new group as I am short of information on et subjects.
|
||
Specifically, I was wondering if any of you visitors could clue me in on
|
||
some transportation techniques. I would love to do some travel off-planet
|
||
and it seems that if you guys made it here we might do some sort of
|
||
exchange program. I've got a research semester coming up in May, and if
|
||
I could spend 3 months (earth time) visiting some of you visitors' home
|
||
planets I would be most grateful.
|
||
|
||
Any pointers or other travel tips appreciated.
|
||
Yours sincerely,
|
||
paul
|
||
|
||
[and that's all for now...]
|
||
________________________________________________________________________
|
||
Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors which Never Made it Past the R&D Phase
|
||
|
||
Marvelous Mushrooms
|
||
Chock Full o' Anchovies
|
||
Broccoli By-Product
|
||
Squid
|
||
Cheeseburger Supreme
|
||
===============================================================
|
||
OTHER RANTS
|
||
===============================================================
|
||
(in which absolutely nothing will be revealed at all)
|
||
|
||
[First off, some promising youngins who have seen the glory of OTIS!]
|
||
|
||
From: VAX001::KOEHLERS 9-OCT-1990 01:21:20.00
|
||
Subj: what is over is done, what is to come is also done just on a different
|
||
day.
|
||
|
||
The most simple way of examining insanity is to become insane. My roommate
|
||
is completely secure if he knows that his pillow is over his face. Thus, the
|
||
complexity of the systematic destruction of the human race though the casual
|
||
use of the word "drit", which Berke Breathed points out in "Billy in the
|
||
Boingers Bootleg", is a racial slur to most tahitians, is personified by the
|
||
abscure but very important fact that tree frogs are not only OTIS most favored
|
||
creature, but the symbol of the newest and most scary age. "...For hard-core
|
||
behavioristic psychology, such altered states have approximately the same
|
||
status as demons or ghost; indeed for behaviorism even the exsistance of mind
|
||
is in serious doubt." so, wlth the discovery of legless reptiles in the local
|
||
fishing hole, our conscious mind is merely as phantom, of our prior exsistance.
|
||
There are likewise several completely unabtrusive nigerian field mice living in
|
||
my mothers freezer. (they're dead of course) How is it then that Spode can
|
||
withstand the onslaught of under 3yr-old cats and household flies.
|
||
|
||
"when we simplify the complex, do we complicate the very simple"
|
||
|
||
The center of being is where?
|
||
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
From: VAX001::BUSH 10-OCT-1990 21:24:53.15
|
||
Subj: harmonious religious conversion
|
||
|
||
Open my eyes to the glory of Otis, amazing Otis how sweet thy sound, shall I
|
||
quote more cheesy religious phrases? Oh prophet of the true faith of
|
||
fruitcakes and master of sucking the marrow out of life, show me the heavenly
|
||
ways. Let every sky look like the front of a Sunday morning bulletin, with
|
||
'Otis is love' spelled out in big, white, friendly letters. Let the beer
|
||
foam up like the fountain of knowledge. Anyway, tell me about the church of
|
||
Otis. Will it make my girlfriend love me more, will it press my suits for me,
|
||
and will it tell me if eagles really dare or are just moved by the necessity
|
||
of being winged predators? Or will it be a wild ol' time of religious ceremony
|
||
and celebrations in the best and most f--ed up sort of way? Fill my vacant
|
||
ears with thy knowledge. Thanks man.---Karl Bush, insane or inane freshman who
|
||
is proudly displaying the name of Otis on his back.
|
||
=============================================================================
|
||
[Hey, hey, hey! Had enough of this joke yet? Well, Mr. Chadwick hasn't and
|
||
if I have to read this stuff I see no reason why you shouldn't have to, too.]
|
||
|
||
From: VAX001::CHADWICK "DM of the Purple Stardust (Which is Pure
|
||
Emptiness)"
|
||
Subj: More smily stuff
|
||
|
||
!-) User is winking
|
||
<EFBFBD>-) User is blinking
|
||
<:-| User is a Conehead
|
||
*{:-) User is wearing stocking cap with a poofy tassel on top
|
||
:#( Someone just hit user in the nose with a meat tenderizer
|
||
I-+ User has a hare lip and wears glasses
|
||
I-C User hates glasses jokes
|
||
*-I User is a Cyclops
|
||
&-) User is wearing a Mardi Gras mask
|
||
<EFBFBD>-) User is wearing another Mardi Gras mask
|
||
<EFBFBD>op User got really drunk at Mardi Gras
|
||
<EFBFBD>o@ User mouthed off to someone while drunk at Mardi Gras and got a fat lip
|
||
:<3A>) User has big nose
|
||
<EFBFBD>:-) User is wearing a sprinkler on top of head
|
||
-X-b User was just impaled by falling girder
|
||
=X-b User was just impaled by two falling girders
|
||
| 5000-lb. elephant just sat on user
|
||
.............................................................................
|
||
[And hey, what issue of the Thunderbolt would be complete without a cheesy
|
||
submission to our ASTERIX ART COMPETITION? Certainly not THIS one, anyway.
|
||
Aren't these cute? Print them out and wrap fish in them or use them for dart
|
||
boards or affix suction cups to them and stick them to the side of your
|
||
computer
|
||
or something....]
|
||
|
||
VAX001::BEEBA "There is just one God/ there is just one Man/ who can
|
||
make us laugh/ who can make us grow/who can make the love between us flow"
|
||
|
||
|
||
__---""""""""""""===,
|
||
_--'" ~:
|
||
_-' |
|
||
.- .|
|
||
/' /
|
||
./' /~
|
||
/ ___._,__;~==========____
|
||
| .___-"".--"" ~":.
|
||
| .../ ./"" ~:
|
||
| ../ ./' |
|
||
: ./ ./' |
|
||
: / ./' ,
|
||
: / ./ ____ __=
|
||
____ : | / /"" ~"""""=====__________=======""~
|
||
.:" ":| _|_/_,_,,:,,,_
|
||
/ .:" ~': ~~~~---.. _,=""""~
|
||
|. . / ~: ~~ : /"__.====._
|
||
******___: ,**|,*, | ':" ~
|
||
********** ~-.**'@**~ | |
|
||
****** **** ~~#' / |
|
||
/ ******* ~:._____../' / ./
|
||
| : : :__/ /
|
||
: ) ) , /| ./
|
||
: /:___/#| ./
|
||
~==.__ ./ ###| ./
|
||
~"---________.===~ ###| ./
|
||
###| ./
|
||
###| /
|
||
###| ; .
|
||
..---"""""""| | %
|
||
.-"" __=====| | ##
|
||
./" ,/""~ _=TLH| | ###
|
||
./ .' ,-~ ###| | ;###
|
||
/ / ###| | ;###;
|
||
| / .###: | ;###;
|
||
| | ###| | | ;####
|
||
: ; , ###| | : ####
|
||
:. , / ###/ : _.===="""""~=_
|
||
: ' ./ |:_ ###/ : /' ~: .-~
|
||
~=="' | ~~' : / |.-~
|
||
| :__/ .*******, | __
|
||
| .***********, |=' ~:
|
||
, | ************** | :
|
||
/( | ************** |
|
||
( ) | ************ |
|
||
~' | ___ *********" |
|
||
_ : .=" ~"=, "****" |
|
||
/"~ ^= = /~ : . /
|
||
/" | _/| /
|
||
| | ._ _,.==~***", ( /
|
||
| : |~"" ****: : _/
|
||
: : ( / ~~ ~=._.='
|
||
: ( /:_ :. _/^
|
||
~=.__:__.=" ~"===="
|
||
________________________________________________________________________
|
||
#####
|
||
####### #**#!!###
|
||
#**#!!!!## #****#!!!!#
|
||
#****###!!!# #*****#!!!!#
|
||
#*******#!!!# #******#!!!!#
|
||
#*********#!###!*!*!*#!!!!!# --
|
||
#!*!*!*!*!*!#!##########!!!!# /_
|
||
###########!##!!!!!!!!!!#!!!# //__
|
||
###!!!!!!!!!!!#!!!!!!!!!!!!!#!!!####/// \
|
||
\ ##!#!!!!!!!!!!!#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#!!!!!!!#
|
||
_\ ##!!#!!!!!!!!!!!#!!!!!!!!!!!######!!!!!!!*#
|
||
\\ ##!!#!!!!!!!!!!!!#!!!!####### #!!!!!!***#
|
||
___\\#!!!###################***** #...!!*****#
|
||
/ \#!!!.# ***** # *** #....*******#
|
||
#*....# *** # #.......*****#
|
||
#**.....## ***** ##........!!****#
|
||
#!........## *******#########......#...!!!!!*#
|
||
#!...........#######.*****...............#.#..!!!!**#
|
||
#*.....##.............#..#...............#...#.!!****#
|
||
#*....#.#............#....#............##......!*****#
|
||
#*.......##.......###......###........#.......!!!****#
|
||
#*.........#######......!!....########.......!!!!!***#
|
||
#!!!.................!!!!!!!!.............!!!*******#
|
||
#!!!!............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!******#
|
||
#*******!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!***!!!!*****#
|
||
#******!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!********!!****#
|
||
##*****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#*************###
|
||
##****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!###******####
|
||
####!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!######!#
|
||
#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*#
|
||
#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!***##
|
||
#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!******#
|
||
#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*******#
|
||
#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*****#
|
||
#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**#
|
||
#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!##
|
||
#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*##
|
||
#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!***#
|
||
#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!####!!!!!!****##
|
||
#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!###****##!!!!******##
|
||
#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!##**!!*****#!!!********#
|
||
#!!!!!!!!#!!!!!!!!!!!#!!!!!!!#***!!!!***!!!!**********#
|
||
#!!!!!!!!!!#!!!!!!!!!#!!!!!!!#****!!!!!*!!!!!!!!!!*****#
|
||
#!!!!!!!!!!!#!!!!!!!#!!!!!!!#*!!***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!***#
|
||
#!!!!!!!!!!!!#!!!!!!#!!!!!!#*!!!!!*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*****#
|
||
#!!!!!!!!!!!!#!!!!!!#!!!!!#***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!********#
|
||
#!!!!!!!!!!!!!#!!!!!!#!!!!!#****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**********#
|
||
#!!!!!!!!!!!!!#!!!!!!#!!!!!#*****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*********#
|
||
#!!!!!!!!!!!!!#!!!!!!#!!!!!#***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!********##
|
||
##!!!!!!!!!!!!!#!!!!!!#!!!!!#*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*****#!*##
|
||
#!#!!!!!!!!######!!!!!!#!!!!!#**!!!!!!!!!!#########!!!!*#!!**##
|
||
#!#!#!!!!!!#!!!!!!!!!!!!#!!!!!#***!!!!!####******!!!#######!!**#
|
||
#!#!!##!!!!#!!!!!!!!!!!############*!!!#********!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**#
|
||
#!#!!#!#!!#!!!#!!!!!!!#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#***********!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#
|
||
#!#!!!#!#!#!!#!!!!!!!#!!!!#!!!!#!!!!!#**********!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**#
|
||
#!!#!!!#!##!!#!!!!!!#!!!!#!!!!#!!!!!!#************!!!!!!!!!!****#
|
||
######### ##########!!!!#!!!!#!!!!!!#**********!!!!!!!!!!!!***#
|
||
#################************!!!!!!!!!!**#
|
||
#**********!!!!!#########
|
||
###############
|
||
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
[This magazine swore, once, long ago, never to be "Politically correct".
|
||
However, and article called "If Men Could Menstruate" [ARCHIVE: HUMOR,
|
||
MENSTRUATE.ARH] by Gloria Steinem was funny enough that when KLEINSR requested
|
||
I add it here, I couldn't resist. I'm Sorry this 'zine has gotten so long....
|
||
PJ]
|
||
|
||
A while minority of the world has spent centuries conning us into thinking that
|
||
a white skin makes people superior-- even though the only thing it really does
|
||
is make them more sensitive to UV rays and wrinkles. Male human beings have
|
||
built whole cultures around the idea that penis envy is "natural" to women--
|
||
though having such an unprotected organ might be said to make men vulnerable,
|
||
and the power to give birth makes womb-envy at least logical.
|
||
In short, the characteristics of the powerful, whatever they may be, are
|
||
thought to be better than the characteristics of the powerless-- and logic has
|
||
nothing to do with it.
|
||
What would happen, for instance, if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate
|
||
and women could not.
|
||
The answer is clear- menstruation would become an enviable, boast-worthy,
|
||
masculine event: Men would brag about how long and how much. Boys would argue
|
||
about the onset of menses, that longed-for proof of manhood, with religious
|
||
ritual and stag parties.
|
||
Congress would fund a national Institute of Dysmenorrhea to help stamp out
|
||
monthly discomforts.
|
||
Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. (Of course, some men
|
||
would still pay for the prestige of commercial brands such as John Wayne
|
||
Tampons, Muhammad Ali's Rope-a-Dope pads, Joe Namath Jock Shields-- "For Those
|
||
Light Bachelor Days", and Robert "Baretta" Blake Maxi-Pads".)
|
||
Military men, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists would
|
||
cite menstruation ("_MEN_stration") as proof that only men could serve in the
|
||
army ("you have to give blood to take blood"), occupy political office ("can
|
||
women be aggressive without that steadfast cycle governed by the planet
|
||
Mars?"), be priests and ministers ("how could a woman give blood for our
|
||
sins"), or Rabbis ("without the monthly loss of impurities women remain
|
||
unclean").
|
||
Male radicals, left-wing politicians, and mystics, however, would insist that
|
||
women are equal, just different; and that any woman could enter their ranks if
|
||
only she were willing to inflict a major wound every month (you _must_ give
|
||
blood for the revolution), recognize the preeminence of menstrual cycles, or
|
||
subordinate her selfless to all men in their "Cycle of Enlightenment".
|
||
Street guys would brag ("I'm a three pad man") or answer praise from a buddy
|
||
("Man you lookin' _good_!") by giving fives and saying "Yeah, man, I'm on the
|
||
rag!"
|
||
TV shows would treat the subject at length. ("Happy Days": Richie and Potsie
|
||
try to convince Fonzie that he is still "The Fonz", though he has missed two
|
||
periods in a row.) So would newspapers. (SHARK SCARE THREATENS MENSTRUATING
|
||
MEN. JUDGE CITES MONTHLY STRESS IN PARDONING RAPIST.) And movies (Newman and
|
||
Redford in "Blood Brothers"!)
|
||
Men would convince women that sex was _more_ pleasurable at "that time of
|
||
month." Lesbians would be said to fear the blood and therefore life itself--
|
||
though probably only because they needed a good menstruating man.
|
||
Of course, male intellectuals would offer the most moral and logical
|
||
arguments. How could a woman master any discipline that demanded a sense of
|
||
time, space, mathematics, or measurement, for instance, without a built-in gift
|
||
for measuring the cycles of the moon and planets-- and thus for measuring
|
||
anything at all? In the rarefied fields of philosophy and religion, could
|
||
women compensate for missing the rhythm of the universe? Or for their symbolic
|
||
lack of death and resurrection every month?
|
||
Liberal males in every field would try to be kind: the fact that "these
|
||
people" have no gift for measuring life or connecting to the universe, the
|
||
liberals would explain, should be punishment enough.
|
||
And how would women be trained to react? One can imagine traditional women
|
||
agreeing to all of these arguments with a staunch and smiling masochism.
|
||
("The ERA would force housewives to wound themselves every month" Phyllis
|
||
Schlaffy. "Your husband's blood is a sacred as that of Jesus-- and so sexy,
|
||
too!": Marabel Morgan.) Reformers and queen bees would try to imitate men,
|
||
and _pretend_ to have a monthly cycle. All feminists would explain endlessly
|
||
that men, too, needed to be liberated from the false idea of martian
|
||
aggressiveness, just as women needed to escape from the bonds of menses-envy.
|
||
Radical feminists would add that the oppression of the nonmenstrual was the
|
||
pattern for all other oppressions. ("Vampires were our first freedom
|
||
fighters!") Cultural feminists would develop a bloodless imagery in art and
|
||
literature. Socialist feminists would insist that only under capitalism would
|
||
men be able to monopolize menstrual blood...
|
||
In fact, if men could menstruate, the power justifications would probably go
|
||
on forever.
|
||
If we let them.
|
||
____________________________________________________________________________
|
||
[And, finally, the Dis.list has grown again. We're 39 strong now...]
|
||
asaro
|
||
barth
|
||
brentzel
|
||
broadie
|
||
chadwick
|
||
chamberb
|
||
dailinge
|
||
fitzgera
|
||
gregory
|
||
griffins
|
||
hamrick
|
||
hopkinsm
|
||
hillv
|
||
holdcraf
|
||
jj*
|
||
keeling
|
||
kinge
|
||
kleinsr
|
||
koehlers
|
||
kurelljj
|
||
lane
|
||
liza*
|
||
mal*
|
||
margaret
|
||
matusek
|
||
matzke
|
||
model
|
||
murray
|
||
neffa
|
||
nowell
|
||
pomper
|
||
reehal
|
||
schroeder
|
||
shutt
|
||
simpsons
|
||
stevensj
|
||
tucker
|
||
waddell
|
||
zecchin
|
||
|
||
*Net people.
|
||
________________________________________________________________
|
||
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE ISSUE # 6
|
||
----------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
Neither censored nor edited. Deal.
|