432 lines
17 KiB
Plaintext
432 lines
17 KiB
Plaintext
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, #3
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=================================================================
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"Kenyon's Very Own Non Alien Run REPLIES TO:
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Electronic Magazine" PURPS%VAX004.DECNET@VAX001.KENYON.EDU"
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* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
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*** P P U U R R P P S
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***** P P U U R R P P S
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******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
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********* P U U R R P S
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*********** P U U R RR P S
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***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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* **** *
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*** *** ***
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**** * *****
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************************************
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****************************************
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************************************
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**** ***** *****
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*** ***** ***
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* ***** *
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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***********
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*********
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*******
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*****
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***
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*
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________________________________________________________________
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SOMETHING WHICH MIGHT, IN THE CORRECT FRAME OF MIND, LOOK SORT OF
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LIKE A TABLE OF CONTENTS
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Introduction
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News- Contests! Contests! Contests!, Spontaneous Human
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Combustion!!, More!!!
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OTISian Rants-- Secret Societies!
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Other Rants-- GATES OF HELL LOCATED! Saddam Hussain on
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"America's Funniest Home Videos"
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----------------------------------------------------------------
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INTRODUCTION
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("Never Pet a Burning Dog")
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Well, here it is again, and this time I've been a tad more
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selective about the material going in. Which is not to say,
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really, that submissions are up. Frankly, I didn't get
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overwhelming amounts of feedback from you all this time through,
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and much of it I "spaced", deleting it zealously before thinking
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"OH! I could have used that." The good news is that my disk
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quota is UP to a "big" 1,000 blocks, so next issue this will not
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happen. But let me reiterate my request, SEND ME WEIRD STUFF.
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Anything will do. Submissions for our two new contests (see
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below) are extremely welcome, but if OTIS moves you in any
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mysterious, or other, way, please send the by-product here and I
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will happily re-print it. As you can see from our content thus
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far nothing is too weird, too deranged, too wigged out, too hip,
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or too silly.
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So, how do you like the new logo? I spent all of ten
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minutes working on it, and, frankly, I think it shows.
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Suggestions for improvement and actual replacements are both
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welcome. You KNOW where to reach me. The other strange thing
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that happened to the header is the addition there of my full
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Bit.net address. Anyone on "the net" wanting this 'zine need
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only write and ask, and all out there are more than welcome to
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donate subscriptions (hint-hint, happiness don't come cheap,
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folks).
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A brief update on the BBS Saga: Nothing has happened.
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The dis.list this magazine goes out to has been updated
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again. I'll reprint it in full at the end of this issue. Get to
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know your fellow Purps.members.
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"Pope" Joeffe 1
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_______
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News
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-------
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PURPS.STUFF
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>>The Joke That Never Ends
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OK, here are two more for you. :-x (Harelip) @:-) (Elvis-
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notice the haircut please).
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That's enough for now, kids. Please stop sending them in....
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>>CONTESTS GALORE!!
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>>Story Contest
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PURPS is now taking submissions for the first ever OTISian
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story contest! Stories should be of any length and have
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something to do with OTIS or OTISianism (mentioning one or the
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other explicitly at any time wouldn't help.) The "OTISian Rants"
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section of the first two "Purps" are one possible source of
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inspiration, as is anything from the OTISian USPS list (if you're
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on that). Send your submissions to Stevensj (local) or
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STEVENSJ%52225@mps.OHIO-STATE.edu (bitnet). Anything that amuses
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me enough I will print. "Winner" receives the warm satisfied
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feeling from the knowledge of a job well done and possible
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redemption at Ragnarock (if you really impress me I may hand out
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indulgences).
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>> Art Contest!
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I know what you're thinking. How can an all text on-line
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magazine possibly have an art contest? Well, there's actually
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only one way.... Yes, faithful followers, we're having an Asterix
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Art Contest! Mind blowingly dull, less fun than having your
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teeth pulled, asterix art (art like the arrows at the beginning
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of this issue) is the favorite mode of expression for drooling
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psychopaths, complete social rejects and budding Leanardos.
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Never-the-less you're encouraged to try it. "Draw" something,
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anything, with asterixes (or any other single/combination of text
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characters) and mail it to one of the addresses listed above (ha
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ha, I'll bet you skipped right OVER that article, didn't you,
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well, now you'll HAVE to go back and read it).
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OTHER NEWS
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S P O N T A N E O U S H U M A N C O M B U S T I O N
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No longer a burning issue...
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By Al Seckel
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Have you ever gotten so mad that you felt that you were about to
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burn up?
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Well, in 1984 the Journal of the International Association of
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Arson Investigators published a lengthy two-part report that
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found possible prosaic explanations for the best known cases of
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that bizarre, gruesome, and seemingly inexplicable phenomenon
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known as spontaneous human combustion. In other words, the best
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evidence now suggests that you can't spontaneously ignite.
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Through the years many medical experts and forensic
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pathologists have dismissed spontaneous human combustion as an
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impossibility, but there has always remained enough documented
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cases and evidence for a smoldering controversy.
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There exist about two dozen modern cases where a claim involving
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spontaneous human combustion has been made.
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The best-documented modern case is that of Mrs. Mary Reeser, a
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67-year-old widow who died in 1951. Her remains were discovered
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in her bedroom within a blackened circle on the floor about four
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feet in diameter. This case was unusual because the fire had no
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apparent cause and a pile of newspapers less than a foot away
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bore no signs of scorching.
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There are several peculiarities to the alleged cases of
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spontaneous human combustion. First, the torso, even including
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the bones, were often reduced to a greasy ash, while the
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extremities, particularly the legs, were often spared. Secondly,
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the victims were elderly, obese, and alcoholic.
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The fact that almost all of the victims were alcoholic led some
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early theorists, including members of the temperance movement,
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to suggest that alcohol-impregnated tissues were rendered highly
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combustible.
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This theory, however, was disputed by scientists who pointed out
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that a person would die of alcohol poisoning long before imbibing
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enough alcohol to have any effect on the body's flammability.
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A more plausible explanation, however, suggests that the victims
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were so impaired by alcohol that they were unable or very slow to
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react when they started to burn.
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A recent two-year investigation by Dr. Joe Nickell, a private
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detective and Dr. John Fisher, a forensic analyst with the crime
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laboratory of the Orange County Sheriff's Office in Orlando,
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Florida revealed even more significant correlations behind the
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thirty most significant spontaneous human combustion cases.
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Nickell and Fisher found that in those instances where the
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destruction of the body was relatively minimal, the only
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significant fuel source seems to have been the individual's
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clothes, but where the destruction was considerable, additional
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fuel sources - chair stuffing, wooden flooring, floor covering,
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and so on augmented the combustion. Such materials under the body
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appear also to have helped retain melted fat that flowed from the
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body and then volatilized and burned, destroying more of the body
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and yielding still more liquefied fat to continue the burning
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process.
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In the cases that Nickell and Fisher researched they always found
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plausible sources of ignition - proximate candles, cigarettes,
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lamps, fireplaces, etc. This sort of evidence would seem to
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demonstrate an external rather than an internal source of
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ignition.
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The 92-year-old pipe-smoking Dr. Bentley frequently dropped
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burning ashes. This was evident from the many burns found on his
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bedroom rug. Evidently he tried to make his way into the bathroom
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with his walker in a futile attempt to extinguish his burning
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robe. His robe was found smoldering in the bathtub.
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Or in the case of the aforementioned Mrs Reeser: She was last
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seen sitting in an overstuffed chair wearing a nightgown and
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housecoat and was smoking a cigarette. In addition, she had told
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her son that she had taken two sleeping pills.
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The poor woman probably fell asleep in her chair and the burning
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ashes fell on her chair and ignited, but they only smoldered,
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which is not unusual. Smoldering heat can consume entire pieces
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of furniture without any flames breaking out.
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Nickell and Fisher also found that the fire did spread in Mrs
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Reeser's apartment. An adjacent end table and lamp were destroyed
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and a ceiling beam had to be extinguished when firemen arrived.
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The floor was untouched because it was made of concrete.
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Nickell and Fisher found that the proponents of spontaneous human
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combustion often omitted such important details in their
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published accounts. After all, you can make a mystery out of
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anything by leaving out half the facts.
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-----------------------------------------------------------------
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OTISIAN RANTS
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_________________________________________________________________
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(in which everything worth knowing about absolutely everything
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will be revealed!)
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This time: JOIN OUR NEW SECRET SOCIETY
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HEY KIDS!!
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Is Your IQ over 640?
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Have You Always Lusted for Power and Longed After the Ability to
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Control the Lives of the People Around You?
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Do You Consider Other Human beings to be "Cattle Ready for
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Slaughter"?
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Do You Control Large sums of Money, Most of it Untaxed and
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Untraceable?
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Were You Kicked Out of Nursery School for Inciting a Violent
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Rebellion Amongst Your Class Mates?
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Does Running the World Sound Like Fun?
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Can You Color between the Lines?
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Do Your Friends Describe You as "Vicious", "Ruthless", and
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"Evil"?
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IF SO then the Ancient Illuminated Rosicrucian Anti-Masonic Elder
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Knights of OTIS (colloquially known as the "Knights of OTIS" or
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the "Elder Knights") would like to talk to you!
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The A.I.R.A.M.E.K.O. are one of the most dangerous and
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frightening of all of the Secret Societies who are really running
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the world today. Founded, ostensively, in 1614 by three former
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Free Masons and a Space Alien, with the express purpose of taking
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over the world, the Elder Knights now have agents in virtually
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every major government on Earth, and have recently become the
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real power behind the Gnomes of Zurich.
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The real instigators of both World Wars, and the Tri Lateral
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Commission, the Knights were also recently forced to write the
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"Gem Stone File" to keep the real reason for the Kennedy's deaths
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a secret. Their membership is suspected to have included such
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greats as Richard Nixon, Phyllis Diller, and Ben Franklin (who
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was assimilated into the group after it secretly took over the
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other big kid on the block, the Bavarian Illuminatti... which is
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were pistachio ice cream comes from, incidentally).
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And now they want YOU!
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And, when you join, here's what you GET:
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1. Your Very Own Membership Card! Be instantly recognizable as
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a Knight to all other Knights (and, for that matter, anyone who
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steals your wallet, but hey, he/she's probably working for us,
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too!) A "free pass" into the CIA building and the Pentagon!
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Worth a dollar off when shown at all participating (and, trust
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us, that's all of them, Rax(TM) Restaurants.
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2. An Extra Large, Blue and Yellow Neon T-Shirt Emblazoned With
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the Official Knights Logo! Be instantly recognizable to members
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of other Secret Societies who will automatically try to off you.
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3. A Wall-Size, easy to read diagram, Explaining the Secret
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Handshake.
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4. MORE! MORE! MORE!
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That's right, kids, if you're morally lax and mentally unstable,
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you just might be what we're looking for! So DON'T WAIT drop us
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a line TODAY! Just send either all of your worldly possessions,
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for the FULL MEMBERSHIP with all the neat stuff, or $4.25 for a
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Membership and a BEAUTIFUL MEMBERSHIP CERTIFICATE to:
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IGHF: SHHHHH! Division
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POB 235
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Williamstown, MA 01267-0235 USA
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BUY one for YOUR DOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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===============================================================-
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OTHER RANTS
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===============================================================
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(in which absolutely nothing will be revealed at all)
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This Week: "This Will Do"
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Date: Sun, 30 Sep 90 03:59:00 EDT
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Reply-To: Parapsychology Discussion Forum
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<PSI-L%RPIECS.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>
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Sender: Parapsychology Discussion Forum
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<PSI-L%RPIECS.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>
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From: hackERS make better programERS
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<ZECCHIN%52225%OHSTPY.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>
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Subject: Re: British 'crop circles' - Stonehenge,
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Underground water circulation ..
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To: Multiple recipients of list PSI-L <PSI-L@RPIECS>
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Melcir,
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Dowsing you say might have an answer to what seems to be going on with
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these crop circles?? Interesting possibility, I suppose England is well
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known for their underground streams? How might they be forming these circles
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(circles) though? Possibly something to do with electronic charges formed by
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these rushing waters.
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That brings me to an interesting memory. I am not sure if you are familiar,
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or ever even heard of this incident, but some time ago a person during
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the Donahue talk show testified that the gates of hell exist and that they
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are in Kenyon College. I am not sure if my address shows it or not but this
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is where I am now, and happen to be a student here. Surely this person is off
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their rocker, but shortly after I began to investigate what would lead a person
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to say this. Other than displeasement with the college. Well I came across
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an interesting individual who seemed to be well versed about the history of
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this place, so I asked him about it. He had no answer to why the person said
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this, but he did tell me that years ago a person dowsed the area of the campus
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and the surrounding land. And that this person found there to be a high
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concentration of subterranean steams, and what he called natural earth lines,
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all coming together here at this campus. He claimed that there was a high
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intensity of energy here, and a measurable high level of static electricity,
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all making this place a ideal area for paranormal activity.
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Any thoughts??
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I sure was intrigued to hear this, but then I also happen to be here.
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dave..
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ZECCHIN@VAX001.KENYON.EDU
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------
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From: ANGELM%VTVM1.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU
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Subject: Models, Gurus, Plymouths and Urantia
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To: Multiple recipients of list PSI-L <PSI-L@RPIECS> *** Reply to note of
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09/29/90 05:23 And other things......
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Dave Zecchin: I would appear that you are living in a hot spot! What luck!
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The energy flow in such a place is very good for you and if you learn to "tap
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into" it, it can be very helpful. As for your comments regarding the
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appropriate topics of this list: You said: "I BELIEVE already. A skeptic
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should not be on here." I disagree. But first what is it that you believe?
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Do you believe that psi is possible? We would all probably agree with you on
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that one. My point, however, was that there is much more to golfing that just
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watching the ball go in the hole. How does it happen? Why does it happen?
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How can we improve it? What moral implications are there? All these are valid
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questions and your answers may be just as valid, but totally different from
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another's. So...what do you believe?
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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From: "FAUVAX::BARKER"@SERVAX.FIU.EDU
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Subject: We've got a bigger problem now.
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> From: MITTLE@ibm.com (Josh Mittleman)
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> Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
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> Keywords: topical, chuckle
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> Date: 2 Oct 90 07:20:10 GMT
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>
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>
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> None of the major networks has agreed to broadcast Saddam Hussein's
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> rebuttal of President Bush's message to the Iraqi people. However,
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> "America's Funniest Home Videos" has bid $7 million.
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>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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-----------
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THE LIST
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___________
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Here it is again. There have been a lot of changes. Mostly (Hail OTIS)
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additions. Memorize it for the upcoming quiz. Or, don't.
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===========
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asaro
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broadie
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chadwick
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fitzgera
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gregory
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hillv
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reehal
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hamrick
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holdcraf
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keeling
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kinge
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kleinsr
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koehlers
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kurelljj
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lane
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*liza
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*mal
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margaret
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matusek
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matzke
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mcnally
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model
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murray
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neffa
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nowell
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schroeder
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shutt
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simpsons
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stevensj
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tucker
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waddell
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whitcopf
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zecchin
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*bitnet people...
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________________________________________________________________
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE ISSUE # 3
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----------------------------------------------------------------
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Neither censored nor edited. Deal.
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