443 lines
17 KiB
Plaintext
443 lines
17 KiB
Plaintext
===============================================================
|
|
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, #1
|
|
================================================================
|
|
"Why Does it Look Like a Magazine?" REPLIES TO:
|
|
PURPS%vax004.decnet@vax001.kenyon.edu
|
|
|
|
|
|
________________________________________________________________
|
|
SOMETHING WHICH MIGHT, IN THE CORRECT FRAME OF MIND, LOOK SORT OF
|
|
LIKE A TABLE OF CONTENTS
|
|
|
|
Introduction
|
|
|
|
News
|
|
|
|
OTISian Rambelings
|
|
|
|
Other Rambelings
|
|
|
|
The List
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
INTRODUCTION
|
|
(Or some such)
|
|
|
|
Why DOES it look like a magazine? Don't know, really, whim,
|
|
I guess..... Anyway, welcome to the first official mailing of
|
|
"THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE.DIS", the only electronic
|
|
mailing list on campus NOT run by aliens.
|
|
|
|
First things first: You're getting this because you have not
|
|
expresedly told me you want off the list (evil thoughts headed
|
|
my direction do not work, by the way). You're not stuck with it
|
|
forever, however, nor, by accepting it have you signed any
|
|
contract. If you want off at any time, let me know, and, in a
|
|
similar vein, if you know anyone who wants ON send them my
|
|
way, too. The more people the better (Hail Spode!)! In fact,
|
|
we've already ventured out on to "The Net" (see "The List" later
|
|
in this issue) and I anticipate this thing spreading completely
|
|
out of control as soon as THOSE people start forwarding it
|
|
around.
|
|
|
|
Second things second: Dips.dis, as some of you remember it,
|
|
largely consisted of the deranged rambelings of Mr. Mike Dow.
|
|
That's all there was to it. I am no enemy of deranged rambelings
|
|
(there will be at least two in this issue), but I'd like to
|
|
expand the format somewhat. For example, I'm going to start
|
|
dropping news items of interest in these pages, as well as
|
|
interesting things that I've managed to swipe from the Net
|
|
(assuming they allow themselves to be reprinted (we wouldn't want
|
|
to break the law now, WOULD we?). Secondly, I'd like to open
|
|
this thing up to submissions from you all (the members of the
|
|
list). PLEASE drop me interesting mail messages to post here. I
|
|
suspect I am not the only rambler on campus (or, at least I
|
|
certainly don't want to LOOK like the only one), so lets hear
|
|
from you all too. The basic format for both these things is
|
|
WEIRD. Weird, weird, weird. The Weirder the better. Aside from
|
|
that, anything goes.
|
|
Lastly, in good keeping with the previous quirky nature of
|
|
Dips., rest assured, gentle reader, that my own rantings and
|
|
ravings will continue to whiz their electronic way to you.
|
|
|
|
Welcome, then to The_Purple_Thunderbolt_of_Spode. Hail and
|
|
well met. May we continue to enjoy each other's company here.
|
|
HAIL OTIS. J.
|
|
|
|
_______
|
|
News
|
|
-------
|
|
|
|
PURPS.STUFF
|
|
|
|
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE BBS?
|
|
|
|
The Purp/chat BBS is still in the works. I have been officially
|
|
invited to go talk about it, now (in a bureaucracy, that's real
|
|
progress {:-) ) I expect an answer soon. A lot of you purple
|
|
people, however, seems to be getting, well, a tad FRUSTRATED at
|
|
the length of time this operation was taking, so I threw caution
|
|
into the wind and went ahead with a di.mailing. Besides, why be
|
|
a cog when you can be a monkey wrench? {:-)
|
|
|
|
WHAT DO THESE: {:-) MEAN?
|
|
|
|
They're smiley faces (mine wear a toupee), now stop asking. On
|
|
the Net they are necessary. Here at Kenyon they can be ignored.
|
|
If he does this: {:-0, he's astonished.
|
|
|
|
Other Facial expressions and their meanings:
|
|
|
|
<:-) Pointy hat
|
|
{:-* Struck mute or too many lemons
|
|
=:> Butch haircut
|
|
{:-( Unhappy
|
|
{:-| Unimpressed, blah, so what?
|
|
{:-\ Bored
|
|
{:-) 3 Female (for those of you who though that was
|
|
tasteless, I DID have something planned with the
|
|
ampersand
|
|
{|-) Squinting
|
|
{X-) Drunk?, Dead?
|
|
{8-) Cool shades, huh?
|
|
{:g) Fingers slipped...
|
|
|
|
Hope you all had the imagination to appreciate that.
|
|
|
|
OTISIAN NEWS
|
|
|
|
None this week. Sorry about that. OTISian News is normally the
|
|
Multi-media part of this extravaganza it can be read here and
|
|
HEARD every Friday night sometime between 10:00pm and Midnight on
|
|
WKCO 91.9 in Gambier, OH.
|
|
|
|
OTHER NEWS
|
|
|
|
BOSTON GLOBE, 8/22/90 p. 48
|
|
|
|
Suffused with humanitarian concern, Italian legislator and
|
|
ex-porno star Illona Staller volunteered to fling woo with Iraqi
|
|
leader Saddam Hussein on the theory that a birthday suit frolic
|
|
might relieve his hostilities. "I'm available to make love with
|
|
Hussein to achieve peace in the Middle East," said Staller in a
|
|
statement as immodest and forward as the on-screen conduct that
|
|
made her a star. Known as Cicciolina, or "Little Toy," Staller
|
|
volunteered herself during an interview on a Buenos Aires talk
|
|
show. Why Staller was in Argentina and why she believes that
|
|
romantic deprivation may account for Saddam's invasion of Kuwait
|
|
were not made clear in wire service reports.
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
OTISIAN RANTS
|
|
_________________________________________________________________
|
|
(in which everything worth knowing about absolutely everything
|
|
will be revealed!)
|
|
|
|
THIS SECTION IS DEDICATED TO OTIS AND OTISIANISM. WHO IS OTIS?,
|
|
YOU ASK. WHAT IS OTISIANISM? WELL, BABY PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR
|
|
MIND BLOWN!
|
|
|
|
From a letter the "House" sent out some time ago.
|
|
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
|
|
HAIL OTIS!!!! HAIL OTIS!!!! HAIL OTIS!!!! HAIL OTIS!!!!
|
|
|
|
THE INTERGALACTIC HOUSE OF FRUITCAKES
|
|
POB 235
|
|
WILLIAMSTOWN, MA 01267-0235 USA
|
|
|
|
Greetings Faithful Followers! Hail and Well Met On All
|
|
(Significantly) FOUR Points of the Compass! Where is that
|
|
Cheque You Promised US?--
|
|
|
|
We at the House have received, over the last few months, so
|
|
many letters from followers totally confused (Praise SPODE!)
|
|
about the purpose of this House that we have finally caved in and
|
|
decided to clarify just who we are and what we do (PRAISE
|
|
LOTUS!). The result is the attached document.
|
|
|
|
"WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY MAILBOX????!!!!!????"
|
|
(A brief, but Helpful Guide to OTIS Worship for Beginners)
|
|
|
|
Hello. We're the Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes; the
|
|
only FULLY REGISTERED OTIS worshiping organization in
|
|
existence and THE LAST TRUE faith on this PATHETIC little
|
|
planet.
|
|
|
|
So far, that short statement has appeared on every one of
|
|
our mailings. It's catchy, but, unfortunately, not terribly
|
|
descriptive. Who, after all, is OTIS? For that matter, why do
|
|
we call ourselves [the] "Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes" And
|
|
just what does "pathetic" mean?
|
|
|
|
Let's take it from the top, shall we?
|
|
|
|
WHO IS OTIS?
|
|
|
|
OTIS is the main god/dess we worship. (S)he is at the head
|
|
of our pantheon. OTIS is an ancient god/dess of life. His/her
|
|
worship started about 2,000 years before Christ, making him/her
|
|
one of the oldest god(desse)s in existence. OTIS worship
|
|
originated in ancient Sumeria, survived in cult form in the Roman
|
|
empire, and was squashed by the Christians during the "witch
|
|
hunts" of the 15th century. It remained that way until we
|
|
resurrected it (with our own peculiar modifications) during the
|
|
1980's. As you may have already guessed, OTIS is neither male
|
|
nor female. His/her symbol is four arrows going in opposite
|
|
directions with the top arrow seperate and the other three
|
|
joined. No one is sure what this means. Frankly Tim and I made
|
|
it up because it looked nice. OTIS is the god/dess of life.
|
|
Everything alive is in the dominion of OTIS. Everything not
|
|
alive is also in OTIS' dominion, largely because that's the way
|
|
(s)he wanted it, and we had a long night and were in no mood to
|
|
argue the finer points of metaphysics. OTISians believe that
|
|
OTIS will come at RAGNAROCK (the Appoclypse) and set everyone
|
|
straight. Those who have not worshiped him/her at that point are
|
|
in deep doodoo. Therefore, it is our mission to keep the faith
|
|
alive, and in the process save as many souls as possible. OTIS
|
|
is also a vain god/dess. Hence, his/her name always appears in
|
|
capital letters, and every time we mention it we have to do
|
|
this... PRAISE OTIS!! (PRAISE OTIS!!).
|
|
|
|
RIGHT! SO WHAT IS OTIS WORSHIP?
|
|
|
|
The worship of OTIS is not, in our humble opinion, very
|
|
demanding. There's no fasting, no involved ceremonies, and no
|
|
funky dress code. The religion is run by Preacher Tim and myself
|
|
(Pope Geof I of the IGHF). Every week we choose a sacred object
|
|
of worship. This object may never have been worshiped before and
|
|
cannot have appeared in "Time" magazine. The object is
|
|
celebrated in a two color (read "black and white") xerox collage,
|
|
which we mail to all members of the House, and anyone else who
|
|
wants one. This object is worshiped for a week by our followers
|
|
and then ignored thereafter.
|
|
|
|
There are almost no rules in the worship of OTIS. One of
|
|
our mottoes is "Everything forbidden is optional (do what we
|
|
would not have thou do shall be the whole of the law)" and we
|
|
stick by it. Our Dogma, however, is as follows. Memorize it and
|
|
obey it for quiz which will be held at Ragnarock:
|
|
|
|
DOGMA
|
|
|
|
1. Ignore Previous Dogma
|
|
2. We Have no Dogma, You Should Have Known. Shame, shame.
|
|
3. Everything Forbidden is Optional; Do What We Would Not
|
|
Have Thou Do Shall be the Exception to the Law
|
|
4. Send us Money!
|
|
|
|
WHO ARE THE OTHER GODS?
|
|
|
|
There are FOUR major gods, including OTIS, that we, as
|
|
OTISians, pay homage to. The others are as follows:
|
|
|
|
LOTUS: The ancient Taiwanese god of Peace, Lotus has been
|
|
worshiped almost as long as OTIS.
|
|
|
|
ROTUS is the god of Death. Rotus has no history because we
|
|
made him up. He was worshipped rather extensively in a small
|
|
liberal arts collage in the North East before we borrowed him.
|
|
|
|
SPODE is one of our most popular gods. Spode is the ancient
|
|
Celtic god of Confusion, whose modern worship was repressed by
|
|
the English in Ireland as late as the eighteenth century. Even
|
|
today, some Scott's get drunk in Spode's name. As the ancient
|
|
god of confusion, Spode's mission is to spread as much confusion
|
|
as possible, especially about himself. This is why all of the
|
|
above is lies.
|
|
|
|
There are also four bad gods; Blix, Grbl, Vootie and Wayne
|
|
(the deities of Pain, Suffering, Disease, and New Jersey,
|
|
respectively) and the Anti-Otis, the notorious "B. Otis, Too"
|
|
(terribly evil god and remarkably snappy dresser), who leads the
|
|
evil Zachinthian conspiracy to usurp OTIS and rule the universe.
|
|
(The Zachinthains were originally the members of a lost continent
|
|
like Atlantis who successfully fled to safety and continue to
|
|
weave their evil plans).
|
|
|
|
Finally, there are many miscellaneous gods. A partial list
|
|
follows:
|
|
|
|
Heether- Goddess of Paisley
|
|
Creiza- Goddess of Editing
|
|
Reiod- God of Plaid
|
|
Ted- God of Normalcy
|
|
Arani- OTIS' Bisexual Consort, the Divine Concubine
|
|
St. Simpson- A Saint Who Understands All the Rules of
|
|
Gammer
|
|
St. Simpson the Other- A Saint Who Refuses to Tell Me What
|
|
She has Done to Justify the Title.
|
|
God X- The God of Comparative Shopping
|
|
John- God/dess of mediocracy
|
|
|
|
and many more...
|
|
|
|
WHAT ABOUT THE NUMBER FOUR?
|
|
|
|
Four is the sacred number of OTIS. After all, how many
|
|
letters are there in his/her name?
|
|
|
|
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
|
|
WHAT OTHERS SAY ABOUT OTISIANISM
|
|
|
|
"More than just this year's religion (although it's that, too)"--
|
|
Rodney Griffith, HII
|
|
|
|
"One of the funniest things to crawl out from under a rock in
|
|
weeks"-- Fred L. Pagie
|
|
|
|
"Send them a buck or five and SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU"-- Mike
|
|
Gunderloy (Factsheet Five, capitals mine)
|
|
|
|
"These people are so funny, I'm just going to reprint one of
|
|
their mailing in it's entirety"-- Gajoob maga
|
|
|
|
"You got you Eris, you got your Bob, you got your OTIS"--
|
|
Sasquatch
|
|
|
|
"Not really a threat to western civilization, but SHOULD be"--
|
|
David Satchel.
|
|
|
|
===============================================================-
|
|
OTHER RANTS
|
|
===============================================================
|
|
(in which absolutely nothing will be revealed at all)
|
|
|
|
This week: another Moose Illuminatti thing-a mo-boob
|
|
and MORE! Subject: Prophecy
|
|
***The Vision***
|
|
|
|
On August 20, 1990, while sitting at work after being sick
|
|
all the week before and then staying out until 2:30 in the
|
|
morning dancing and carrying on the night before, and after far
|
|
too much coffee, the young, semi-reclusive m00se known only as
|
|
Sabre entered a reverie and was able to foretell...the *Signs of
|
|
Universal M00seness and the Dawn of the Bl00p age*! These
|
|
mystic, some would even say unlikely events passed through his
|
|
fatigue poison-soaked brain like rabbits through a kiln.
|
|
Feeling it was his duty to let his brethren know the signs
|
|
of the age of M00se, Sabre did place them in an electronic
|
|
medium, so that the Bavarians (who of course control the vital
|
|
YALEVM/CUNY link) would be too confused to properly restrict it.
|
|
Therefore, here are the beginnings of the Signs.
|
|
|
|
When the seas do turn red, and the skies indigo (in the
|
|
precise shades to insure lack of color coordination),
|
|
then will the forces from the stars run rampant across
|
|
our fair land. These forces -- the power of Leviam00se
|
|
and other m00sey types, will first visit a nearby
|
|
McDonald's for a Quarter-Pounder with Cheese and fries,
|
|
side of nuggets, and a large Orange Drink.
|
|
Unfortunately, the all-powerful forces will attempt to
|
|
go through the drive-through, and lack of communication
|
|
will way lay them for a considerable amount of time.
|
|
Months, perhaps.
|
|
|
|
Meanwhile, Madonna will be looking out her veranda,
|
|
trying to decide what corset to wear to the neighborhood mall,
|
|
will be visited by God.
|
|
|
|
"Hello, Madonna," the Almighty will say.
|
|
"Yeah, what?" She will respond.
|
|
"I have come to you, my child, to call on you to bring
|
|
forth a message of hope and peace to the world."
|
|
"Right. Who is this really?"
|
|
"Look, I am God. Father, son, spook, the whole bit.
|
|
All I want from you is for you to go back to some
|
|
normal hair
|
|
color, put on some clothes, and go tell people to be
|
|
nice
|
|
to each other. You think you can handle that?"
|
|
"Look, I don't care how omnipotent you are, God,"
|
|
Madonna will say, pouting, "*I* have an image to
|
|
maintain, and it doesn't involve brown hair or decent
|
|
clothing. And there's no money in 'be nice to each
|
|
other.' Try Sheena Easton -- I hear she's a sucker for
|
|
a sappy line."
|
|
"Look, I'm trying to--"
|
|
"Buzz off!"
|
|
"Right!" And thus will God rise up, take Madonna up
|
|
into his all-powerful hand, and cast her down forever
|
|
into the pit of eternal damnation. This will be the
|
|
first sign.
|
|
|
|
"No," the impossibly mighty Leviam00se, ticked now, will
|
|
say, "I want a *QUARTER-POUNDER*! *CHEESE!!!!* Can you hear me?"
|
|
"Mmmmm mmmm mmmmmmmmmm mmm mmmmmmm?" the voice from the
|
|
machine will ask.
|
|
"QUARTER-POUNDER!!!!!!!!"
|
|
|
|
Thor, mightiest of Norse deities, will visit North
|
|
America, and announce plans for a North American Tour. He will
|
|
make plans to do some Anthrax covers, and perhaps a bit of Black
|
|
Sabbath. When asked about the quality of his singing voice, Thor
|
|
will hurl his uru hammer Mjolner, obliterating Dan Rather utterly
|
|
and interfering with television reception across the tri-state
|
|
area. Then, as a gesture of faith, he will smite down the New
|
|
Kids on the Block, maiming but sparing them. The scarred and
|
|
rended New Kids will refuse to do any more magazine covers. This
|
|
will be the Second sign.
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
From: VAX001::SCHROEDER "Liberty, fraternity, Walter
|
|
Mitty" 23-SEP-1990 16:26:22.43
|
|
To: HOLDCRAF
|
|
CC:
|
|
Subj: IGHF
|
|
|
|
Egad! I have just had a most wondrous waking dream, a dream of
|
|
prophecy, wherein I saw a vision most wondrous, O most wondrous
|
|
indeed! And in that vision saw I you bowing down before the
|
|
"Pope" Geoffe (for that is his true Name indeed), and begging of
|
|
him for admittance to his House of Holiday Foods.
|
|
Because I have seen this thing, and because of the Knowledge
|
|
which I have been granted, I say unto you: Forswear this man,
|
|
this so-called "Pope", and cleanse yourself of his teachings!
|
|
For he is led astray by a gleeful Spode, and knows no longer what
|
|
he preaches. Alas, alas, that it should be so. But it is so,
|
|
and therefore exhort you I to renounce Geoffe and all his Foods,
|
|
and discover the TRUE faith of OTIS instead through the Screaming
|
|
Prophets of Otis Triumphant!
|
|
- Reverend Robb, Keeper of the Lemur Spirit
|
|
_________________________________-----------------------------
|
|
The MAILING LIST:
|
|
|
|
Here it is.
|
|
|
|
KNOW WHO YOU'RE SPEAKING TO:
|
|
|
|
None of You Are PREMITed to use it yet. Sorry, but that WILL
|
|
happen soon....
|
|
asaro
|
|
broadie
|
|
chadwick
|
|
fitzgera
|
|
gregory
|
|
hillv
|
|
holdcraf
|
|
hungerford
|
|
keeling
|
|
kinge
|
|
kleinsr
|
|
kurelljj
|
|
margaret
|
|
matusek
|
|
matzke
|
|
mcnally
|
|
model
|
|
neffa
|
|
nowell
|
|
pricea
|
|
schroeder
|
|
shutt
|
|
simpsons
|
|
stevensj
|
|
tino
|
|
tucker
|
|
waddell
|
|
whitcopf
|
|
zecchin
|
|
Liza
|
|
Mal
|
|
murray
|
|
________________________________________________________________
|
|
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE ISSUE #1
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Neither censored nor edited. Deal.
|