310 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
310 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
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(insert Rico Suav‚ ASCii logo here)
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ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄ-ùúù-ÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
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³ K-RaD/[PuD] '93 ³Ü
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ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄ-ùúù-ÄÄÄÄÄÄÙÛ
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ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß
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Volume 1, Issue 006
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- MY EXPERIENCE WITH GOD -
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- BOY, WAS SHE GREAT!! -
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by NO COURiER
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[PUD_1_6.TXT]
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D¡SCL’¡MäR
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ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
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The opinions, views, ideals, and tasty canned soup recipes expressed in this
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T/FiLE are expressed without intention of execution. The authors of this file,
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as well as all of the K-RAD/[PuD], áçá, PGA, and œrš members assume absolutely
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¯N0® liability for you personal stupidity.
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Thank you.
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ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
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WELCoME BACK TO PuD!
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þ SaD-ASS iNTRO:
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Thank you for turning your ghastly, bloated head in the direction of Pud
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again. Your rude attempts at finding lives have obviously not prevailed.
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Featured in THiS ACTiON/PaCKED Issue of The Pizza Underground Digest:
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NO COURiER's SWaSS RAMeN N0000DLeY G00P RECiPE by NO COURiER (Line 62)
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CONFUSiON OF THE WEaK-MiNDED by NO COURiER (Line 87)
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IF SHE IS AS G00D AS SHE SAYS, WHY IS SHE MiNE? by fReD (Line 194)
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**** ALL IS INTERRUPTED BY NO COURiER'S PATENTED `Quote of Today's Line #38'****
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"My pinto beans are bigger than the llama's"
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- Anonymous
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**** RESUMiNG:
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PUD VIRII DISCUSSION by NO COURiER (Line 218)
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SEXuAL AiD FORuM by NO COURiER (Line 244)
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The Lyrics to "We Are Family" (Line 329)
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HeRE WE G0!
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ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
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þ ENTeR THE REaLM OF NO COURiER; SENiOR EDIToR OF PuD
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Ahh yes. The feedback I received from both PuD #5 & 6 was unbelievable.
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Unortunately, you idiots don't seem to realize that WE WaNT YoU. No, not in that
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way, you Wolf/3D playing freak! We want your participation! We want your
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divine insight, no matter how lame it is! The more offensive, the better!
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We NEED MEMBERS! CALL A WWiVNeT BOaRD AND SiGN UP NOW!
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N0 EXPERiENCE NEEDED. ALL SUBMiTTED WoRKS CONSIDERED. LaMENeSS N0T FRoWNED UPoN
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E/MAiL FOR ANY REaSON ==== NO COURiER 2506@36
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Baphomet the Limbo King 2506@14
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úùÄÄÄÄ-þ FORWaRD, MaRCH! þ-ÄÄÄÄ-ùú
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þ NO COURiER's SWaSS N0000DLeY G00P S00P
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Ingredients:
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1 Pack ) Cheap RAMeN N000DLeZ
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2 Cups ) Water
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1¬ tsp ) Urine or Tequila
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2 Tsp ) Clear Spring's PGA (190 Proof)
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3 Tsp ) Worcestershire Sauce
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To Taste ) Sweet Basil
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To Taste ) Onion
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Directions:
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Mix all liquids thoroughly, and bring to a slight boil. Add RAMeN N000DLe
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flavor packet, as well as Basil and Onion, stirring slightly. Add N000DLeZ,
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crushing with spoon and then stirring. Continue to let boil until N000DLeZ
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achieve PARTiAL completion, being soggy on the outside, and crunchy in the
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middle. This should be about two minutes.
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Remove pot from stove. Rest right hand on H0T burner. Remove when pain
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ceases. Pour the soup in to a bowl, and decorate with chocolate srinkles and
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mayonaisse. Serve immediately, so as to burn tongue.
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--------- Yum, yum! ---------
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þ CONFUSiNG WEaK-MiNDED WiLDCAT USeRS 101
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The following is an actual account of a chat on a local WildCat! BBS system.
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This segment should give you some insight as to how to confuse simple-minded
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WildCat users, as well as their Sysops. Also, this file just goes to show that
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PuD is an ATTiTUDE, as well as the world's best Underground Newsletter. Names
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have been changed slighty to avoid making these people look as stupid as they
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really are.
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Comments & analysii made by me are denoted by paranthesis.
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- NO COURiER
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Good evening, NO COURiER, you are caller number 144,106.
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-- ATTENTION -- JAVA COFFEE from Operation:Mindcrime is PAGING.
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Use the MAIN MENU command [T]..Talk with other Node(s) to respond.
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# Chat Status Name From User Status
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--- --------------- ------------------ ------------------- ------------------
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2 Being paged NO COURiER ³The WildFire West
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3 In chat JAVA COFFEE Operation:Mindcrime In a private chat
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(`The Wildfire West' is a direct
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attack on a certain user, who
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calls himself "The Wildfire.")
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JAVA COFFEE wishes to chat with you. To respond press [R]
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[#,#], [A]vailable, [R]espond, [G]roup, [H]elp? r
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Type "/QUIT" to exit or "/HELP" for help
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2 - NO COURiER : What?
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(Typical polite PuD greeting)
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3 - JAVA : Hey dude
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(That's d00D, isn't it?)
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2 - NO COURiER : YeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeSSSSSSSSSSsssss?
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3 - JAVA : just wanted to say hello.....
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2 - NO COURiER : Surinam is where my lizard plays the misty clavicord.
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3 - JAVA : huh?
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(Obvious confusion already. Yes!)
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3 - JAVA : what is that supposed to mean....
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2 - NO COURiER : Oh, nothing. It is for the one to which I may seem the
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2 - NO COURiER : harmonic steps of the dancing wildebeast
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(I sounded serious for a second... SURPRiSE!!!)
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3 - JAVA : are you on drugs NO COURiER???
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(I JuST MaDE N0000DLeZ)
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2 - NO COURiER : I for one, am the thing that which things are thinged
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2 - NO COURiER : on thingies. I am the thing to which things are thinged
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2 - NO COURiER : upon the thingy of which things originate from.
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(Read it again. It makes perfect sense.)
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2 - NO COURiER : "A hair in the head is worth two in my mouth"
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(Double B00M! A double whammy! DaMN DRAMATiC LITERaRY POiSE!)
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3 - JAVA : So does this mean we have to call you "Thin"
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2 - NO COURiER : And shall PuD confuse you, and yes it most definately
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3 - JAVA : Thing...
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3 - JAVA : that is
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2 - NO COURiER : will, May visions of sugarplums burst you skull.
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3 - JAVA : keeep your sugar plums to your self...
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(Yes, another homophobic. A positive identifier.)
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2 - NO COURiER : Rinny rinny rippy roop kill the chicken before he goes
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2 - NO COURiER : away.
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3 - JAVA : And what the hell is all this pud stuff?
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2 - NO COURiER : Woopity woopity loopy perloop.
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2 - NO COURiER : Winky, slinky, it rolls down stairs.
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3 - JAVA : Dude, you really need to go easy on the pain killers
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(I broke my arm, and hand surgery a little while back.)
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3 - JAVA : son't you mean stinky
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2 - NO COURiER : It's time for our one and all wish to wich the great
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2 - NO COURiER : pumkin may conquer santa.
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2 - NO COURiER : I type, therefore I misspell.
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3 - JAVA : Too late the great pumkin got it a halloween,and I got
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2 - NO COURiER : Hello, theeeeEEEee
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3 - JAVA : to use that saying more often
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2 - NO COURiER : Oooga booga... loog Dr. Scholl's
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3 - JAVA : Hello???/
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3 - JAVA : So what is the pud thing
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2 - NO COURiER : Hoooooooooon?
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(I think that is sort of like a peacock mating call)
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2 - NO COURiER : I shall go now, the flying worms are calling.
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2 - NO COURiER : May you have a PuDdy DaY.
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2 - NO COURiER : /quit
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Total time logged was 12 minute(s), with 59 minutes remaining for 02/22/93.
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Thank you for calling, NO COURiER.
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--------- End of Chat -----------
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As you can see, it is quite simple. A superficial attempt at proverbial
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poetic philosophy with references to excretions or food products is all it takes
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to really get one of these innocent little modem freaks lost. If you think you
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can play it off, have an entire group of people pull him in to chat on a 4+ node
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BBS, and act this way. Better yet, do it in person, without ever stopping.
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This can result in severe nervous dissention as well as a lack of
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self-confidence and security for youre idiotic pal.
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Have fun, and shall my stare be the guide to the armadillo's
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moonlit banquet of Eve and potatoes.
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þ IF SHE IS AS G00D AS SHE SAYS, WHY DOES SHE WaNT ME? by fReD
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wELCOME FRIENDS. i AM fReD, THE MOST FEARED USER IN ALL OF HUNTSVILLE AS WELL
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AS ON ANY OTHER vbbs IN nORTH aLABAMA. tHE ONLY ONE WHO REALLY LOVES ME IS MY
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WIFE MiLDReD, BUT i AM MORE THAN SUCCEPTABLE TO THE GLARE OF A ROBUST REDHEAD.
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yOU SEE, i AM THE MODEM USER THAT ALL OTHERS WISH THEY COULD BE. mY CAMEO
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APPEARANCES ON BOARDS ARE RESPECTED AND FEARED. i AM A sYSoP'S WORST
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MIGFHTMARE, AND PROUD OF IT. i HAVE BEEN RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DOWNING OF MANY A
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bbs, THE CRASHING OF MORE THAN ONE SaD-ASS ide HARD DRIVE. iT'S AMAZING HOW
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sYSoPS LOSE SUPPORT, AND HOW THEIR hdd'S LOSE CYLINDERS. rOT.
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aNYWAY, LIKE i SAID ABOVE, i AM PERSUED BY THE WANTON LUST OF A ROBUST
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REDHEAD, WHO CAN REMOVE THE TOP OF A yOO-hOO BOTTLE WITH A CERTAIN MUSCLE. i
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HAVE SEEN HER PATIENTS, HER eX'S WHO WERE UNAWARE OF HERE HATRED FOR THEM. tHEY
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USED TO BE ACTIVE, BOUNCY YOUNG MEN. nO MORE.
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gOOD. i SHALL GLOAT FOR HERE, CAUSING THE SUFFRAGE OF HUNDREDS. i SHALL BE
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THE NEXT hITLER, THE NEXT bONAPARTE. i SHALL TAKE YOU ALL IN MY HAND, AND HAVE
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mRS. rOBUSTO CRUSH YOU ALL.
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i AM FILING FOR A DIVORCE FROM MiLDReD. sURE, SHE WAS A GOOD LAY, BUT SHE'S
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ALMOST 87 NOW. tHE ONLY THING i REALLY HAVE TO THANK HER FOR IS MY SON, junIOR,
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THE PRIDE OF THE hItMaN FAMILY. mAY HE MAKE HIS FATHER PROUDER.
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bACK TO mRS. rOBUSTO. wHY DOES SHE WANT _me_? wHAT IS IT THAT i HAVE THAT
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SHE THINKS WILL SATISFY HER NEEDS? aM i THE CHOSEN ONE? sHE'S AWFULLY rOBUST,
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SO i MUST CERTAINLY BE.
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þ PuD VIRII DICUSSION: H0W TO IDENTiFY WARTS By NO COURiER
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Warts are most basically thickenings of the skin, caused by bacteriophagic
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virii. Warts may be contagious, varying from one to the next. Most likely, any
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warts you have were given to you by somebody else. Contrary to Old Wive Tales,
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warts cannot be spread to a human from a frog or toad. First and foremost,
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toads don't even have warts. That is the way their skin is supposed to be,
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stupid. Secondly, the virii carried by toads are completely incompatible with
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a human's potential host cells. Virii link to a host cell by connecting with a
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receptor site. The way they fit is comparable to as jigsaw puzzle. An inhuman
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virus can not connect with a human cell. Therefore, it cannot inject its
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nucleic acid in order to reprduce. It is quite common for a wart to have hair
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growing out of it. Never treat a wart with an over-the-counter remedy if it has
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hair. This should be common sense folks. I hate life sciences. Physics r000l.
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If a wart changes color, size, itches, etc, have it checked immediately by a
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dermotologist. Don't be an idiot. You could be dead soon. fReD would like
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that, but I wouldn't.
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Be sure that you do not confuse warts with moles. Moles are most often
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pigmented, and may very well have hair growing out of them. These are simple
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normal thickenings of the skin, and should not be taken too seriously. HOWEVeR,
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if you have a mole which changes color, size, or bites at your neck while you
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are sleeping, you may have a SEVeRE cancerous condition, such as melonoma, which
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can result in death in as little as 72 hours after irritation begins. Ouch.
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To be continued..........
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þ The PuD Sexual AiD FORuM by NO COURiER
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-------
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Anita Cock, of Washburn PA writes:
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"Dear NO,
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recently I have been doubting my own sexuality. Sometimes it seems as if
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it simply isn't worth it; sex seems to be a farce, a pasaad anymore. My husband
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has never submitted to any of my desires, and I have never orgasmed.
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What shall I do?"
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~~~~~~~
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Dear Anita,
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shut the fuck up. If you have never orgasmed, maybe that's why you don't
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enjoy sex. Why don't you go find a real man instead of the pencil-necked Walter
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Mondale supporting geek that you live with and fuck your brains out!?!?
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C'mere bitch. You may live in Pennsylvania, but I can reach.........
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- NO COURiER
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-------
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Candy White, of Ontario Canada writes:
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"Dear NO,
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You are such an informative, objective, modest, and caring Sex Aid forum
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writer! I admire your work. How do you do such a good job?"
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~~~~~~~
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Dear Candy,
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get a life and stop writing such idiotic letters. I could care less about
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what your government cheese-eatin' ass has to say. Why don't you find a fuckin'
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life and go harass some other writer, such as a loser from CUD.
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- NO COURiER
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-------
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John Hoffest, of Columbus GA writes:
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Mr. NO COURiER,
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"I sometimes can not find it within myself to satisfy my partner. Moreso, I
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often have problems with stamina and achieving erections. What should I do?"
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~~~~~~~
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Mr. Hoffest,
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Don't look inside yourself for the problem. Lokk outside. Grow a dick. No
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stamina? No erections? See the first sentence, you putz.
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- NO COURiER
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-------
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Ed Meese, Director of the FCC, writes:
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To whom it may concern:
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"The Sexual Aid Forum featured in the Pizza Underground Digest is completely
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distasteful and is in danger of being cited for obscenity. It is expected of a
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public newsletter to provide objective, decent information which may benefit
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many. Instead, we have found that your column is extremely biased and without
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dignity. You should be ashamed of yourselves."
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~~~~~~~
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Mr. Ed Meese,
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FuCK YOU. Go find a life and stop jacking off all over your printouts of
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THE ONE AND ONLY PiZZA UNDERGRoUND DiGEST!
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- NO COURiER
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- THE END OF PuD #1:6 - I hoped you were offended! -
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WRiTE US AND SUBMiT YOUR BeST LAMeNESS!
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NO COURiER (Senior Editor) WWiV 2506@36
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Baphomet the Limbo King (Senior Editor) WWiV 2506@14
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SPeSHuL THaNX G0 T0:
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Digital Saint (WWiV 2506@1) for all of his support for PuD
|
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Call PROJeCT/X - The place for the NEWeST PuD FILeZ - NOW!!!
|
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> I'm a moper, I'm an eloper, I'm a cattle rooooooooopppppeeeeeerrrr..... <
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<*** End of FUCKiN File ***>
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