220 lines
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220 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
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| | _ \ ___| |_ ___ _ __ | ___| _ _ __ | | __ | _ \ _ __ ___ ___ ___ |
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| | |_) / _ \ __/ _ \ '__| | |_ | | | | '_ \| |/ / | |_) | '__/ _ \/ __/ __| |
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| |_| \___|\__\___|_| |_| \__,_|_| |_|_|\_\ |_| |_| \___||___/___/ |
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| Vol 6 ********* Mid-August 94 |
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|============================================================================|
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HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT KIDNAPS FROG
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Bowel Movement (PETER FUNK PRESS)
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At Out-Herod High School, in Bowel Movement, North Carolina, a tenth
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grade student named Eliot CrudeRot walked into his biology class carrying a
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shotgun. His class had just begun a frog dissection lab, and when his
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teacher Mr. Factotum asked him why he brought the shotgun into the class,
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CrudeRot replied he feared the frog he dissected "will jump out of the
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dissection pan and get me."
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CrudeRot distrusted frogs. It originated from a tragic childhood
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incident that occurred sometime during his boyhood. One day he put his pet
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housefly Marlowe on a leash and took him for a walk beside a pond. Marlowe
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loved the sight of water through his compound eyes. Unfortunately, CrudeRot
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walked too close to the shore, and when Marlowe buzzed the bank a large
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bullfrog swallowed him. The loss devastated CrudeRot. His parents tried to
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give him other pet flies, but they could never replace his beloved Marlowe,
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and he always opened the window and let them fly away.
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Mr. Factotum assured CrudeRot the frog had pins stuck through all of
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its appendages which would hold it in the dissection pan, but CrudeRot
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said, "So what. They put chains on King Kong and look what happened." He
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then walked over to his lab station, pointed the shotgun at the frog in the
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dissection pan, and said, "I'm putting you under citizen's arrest."
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He then carried the frog at gun point to the sheriff's office in Bowel
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Movement, presented it to Officer Colossal Underpants, and demand he arrest
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the frog. "On what charges?" asked Officer Underpants. CrudeRot said the
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frog wanted to jump out of the dissection pan and get him. "I can't arrest
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a frog on intentions. It has to jump out and get you before I can arrest
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him." CrudeRot made the demand once more, and when Sheriff Underpants again
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refused to arrest the frog, CrudeRot pointed the shotgun at him and said,
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"I am putting you under citizen's arrest."
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Officer Underpants quickly reminded CrudeRot that he no longer had
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citizenship in this country. It seems he had a severe disagreement with the
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present Administration, which refused to make him the king of Hawaii. In
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protest to their decision, CrudeRot donated his citizenship to the
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Salvation Army.
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CrudeRot suddenly broke down in tears. "Why, why," he howled. "Why did
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I give up my citizenship. Now, I can never serve on a jury and send traffic
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violators to the electric chair... Jesus. H. Christ." As he wailed, Sheriff
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Underpants slapped some handcuffs on him, charged him with kidnapping and
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making unfounded accusations against a deceased amphibian.
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After he locked up CrudeRot, Officer Underpants took the frog safely
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back to the biology class at Autotoxemia High. There, Mr. Factotum
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commended Officer Underpants for his bravery and said, "Your act of courage
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deserves a medal," so he hung the Order of Herpetology around his neck.
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1
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JELL-O JELL-O, IS ANYONE IN THERE?
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Autotoxemia (PETER FUNK PRESS)
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This morning, Beauregard Vaudeville, an eleventh grade student at
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Autotoxemia High in Autotoxemia, New York snuck a rocket propelled grenade
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(RPG) launcher and four grenades past the school's metal detector. Although
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the weapon and grenades set off the metal detector's alarm, Vaudeville told
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the security guard they belonged to part of his science project.
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He told the guard he wanted to find out if he could raise the pulse
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and respiration rates of teachers by pointing a loaded grenade launcher at
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them. The security guard, a graduate of Autotoxemia High, said, "Finally,
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somebody is doing a worthwhile science project instead of some stupid thing
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like germinating seeds. Go on in."
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Vaudeville then walked into the school cafeteria where he held the
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entire cafeteria staff hostage with the grenade launcher. He said he
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wouldn't release them until the school's principal removed fruit filled
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bowels of Jell-O from the cafeteria menu. He had a deep personal grudge
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against the bowels of Jell-O, for they had turned down his repeated
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marriage proposals.
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Meanwhile, a janitor had alerted the police and they surrounded the
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school building. The crisis ended abruptly, however, when police
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negotiators tricked Vaudeville. They told him some Jell-O butterscotch
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pudding had just asked them for his phone number. Vaudeville replied,
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"Really," and as he set down the grenade launcher to write down his phone
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number on a piece of paper the police handed him they grabbed him, beat the
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crap out of him, and arrested him.
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2
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GUNFIGHT AT THE OK SCHOOLYARD
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Washington (PETER FUNK PRESS)
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Shocked by the recent news reports of gun violence in public school,
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the National Rifle Association (NRA) demanded the revocation of all laws
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and regulations preventing students from bringing guns into public schools.
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In an interview with the _PETER FUNK PRESS_, NRA spokesman Jocko
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Smoothbore said the NRA believes teachers and administrators cannot stand
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by each student every minute of the day to protect them from the criminal
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students and the growing violence in public schools. Therefore, law-abiding
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students need to carry guns for their self-defense.
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He said the regulations preventing law-abiding students from carrying
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guns in school only promoted violence in school because the law-abiding
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students have no way to protect themselves. In fact, he said society can
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stop violence in public schools only if law-abiding students carry guns in
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them and use them for self-defense. For instance, Smoothbore said if law-
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abiding students could carry guns they would have shot the frog kidnapper
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in Bowel Movement, NC and the obsessive Jell-O lover in Autotoxemia, NY.
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Smoothbore gave the example of an experimental high school in Two Nice
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Guys, Texas in which all students carry guns. Before the school board began
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the gun reform, which allowed law-abiding students to carry guns, gangs of
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armed cheerleaders roamed the halls of the high school shooting innocent
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nerds in the butt. After the reform, the nerds got guns and fired back,
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inflicting heavy casualties on the cheerleaders, causing them to disband,
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and reform themselves into armed after school Bible clubs.
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This year the school has not had single act of student violence,
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although it had several gun deaths due to the school's intermural Russian
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roulette league.
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Smoothbore said the NRA will offer direct support to public schools
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that enact gun reform. For instance, the NRA would set up gun libraries in
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these schools. Students could check out guns from the gun libraries, carry
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them around in school, use them for self-defense if needed then return them
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at the end of the school day. The students would use them only for lawful
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purposes. If the students use them in unlawful activities like robbery,
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murder, or suicide, they immediately would lose their gun-borrowing
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privileges.
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He suggested the NRA also could provide an education program for
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schools enacting gun reform. Students would learn the proper use of a gun,
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including techniques such as how to speed load a revolver and how to bring
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down a criminal with one shot and not have to pistol whip him to death and
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how to build your own tank in case the government bans assault weapons. It
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also will have seminars on forming student posses and student off campus
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vigilante groups.
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3
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SCHOOLS IN TROUBLE ... SEND LIMBAUGH, GUNS, AND MORALS
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New York (PETER FUNK PRESS)
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Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has joined the National Rifle
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Association (NRA) and its effort to enable students to bring guns in
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school. To show his support for this important empowerment of students, he
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has put together a "Gun Totin' Update" for his show.
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It consists of Franciscan monks humming and snapping their fingers to
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the rock and roll version of the _Requiem Mass_ while the somber voice of
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Dirty Harry whispers over and over the deep religious question of "Well
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punk, do you feel lucky today?".
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Limbaugh breaks in during the music and summarizes news stories about
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criminal students using guns to cause mayhem in schools. He follows it with
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a diatribe that declares the lack of morality in school not guns causes gun
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violence.
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He ends the update with an appeal to public schools to instill morals
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in students by reintroducing prayer and the teaching of moral absolutes
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such as "Thou shalt not kill unless somebody messes with you" and "Thou
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shalt not commit adultery with thy neighbor's gun."
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4
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===========================================================================
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Entire contents Copyright (C) 1994 by Byron Lanning. All rights reserved.
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You cannot redistribute the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ without the permission of
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the author with exception that a single user may retrieve the _PETER FUNK
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PRESS_ from archives by anonymous FTP or through a Gopher and may send it
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to another single user through electronic mail other than an electronic
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mailing list such as Majordomo.
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Byron Lanning (swipe@well.sf.ca.us or blanning@crl.com) writes and
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electronically publishes the _PETER FUNK PRESS_. Inquiries and opinions
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welcome.
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_THE PETER FUNK PRESS_ appears appoximately twice a month on the USENET
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newsgroups alt.zines, alt.journalism, and rec.humor; on The WELL in the
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conference Statements (g stmt) topic 81; on Compuserve in the EFF Sig,
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Zines from the Net; and on America Online (use the keyword PDA and choose
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humor, I believe). You also can collect it by anonymous FTP from crl.com in
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users/ro/blanning and at etext.acrhive.umich.edu.
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===========================================================================
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