235 lines
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Plaintext
235 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
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| Vol 8 ********* Gratis |
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|============================================================================|
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WHITE HOUSE GUMPED
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Washington (PETER FUNK PRESS)
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Forrest Gump appeared at a White House reception this morning to
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accept the Presidential Medal of Freedom, which he won for becoming a role
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model of the American people. In the past year he has exhibited the
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characters that Americans admire most in people: By accident, he became
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rich, famous and starred in a movie of his own life. Americans especially
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revere his ability to accomplish this despite possessing the intelligence
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of a potato. Gump has such low a intelligence he once asked someone which
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direction he should look to find the sky.
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Upon receiving the medal from First Lady Hillary Rodham-Clinton, Gump
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gave an acceptance speech in which he thanked President Clinton and his
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wife for the medal. He said he didn't know what he would do with the medal
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but it looked as if it would make a great drink coaster.
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Gump also laced his speech with Gumpisms, maxims of wisdom his mother
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taught him as a child such as "A bird in the hand will poop on your palm.";
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"Don't pee on strangers when you first meet them and you will make a much
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better impression."; "If you look in the mirror and don't like what you
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see, be confident and stop looking in mirrors." Gump said he lived his life
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according to these sayings and if every American lived by them they all
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would win their own Presidential Medal of Freedom.
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Gump also recalled in his speech his visit to the White House in the
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60s to accept the Congressional Medal of Honor for his valor in the Vietnam
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War. At this medal ceremony, Gump shook hands with President Lyndon
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Johnson, and he asked Johnson if he would like to see the war wound on his
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butt. Johnson declined but sent Gump over to Vice-President Humphrey's
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office, saying to Gump, "Have Hubert look at it. In my administration, he
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handles that kind of stuff."
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Gump ended his speech by saying, "Me, getting this medal just proves
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this is the greatest country in the world. Hey, what country are we in
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anyway."
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President Clinton did not attend the ceremony. He had an important
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strategy session with his advisors concerning foreign policy. The White
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House, however, provided one of his digital images, filename President-
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Clinton92.mov, the same image that plays the saxophone and tells anxious
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Americans, "I feel your pain. I have hemorrhoids you know."
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Nevertheless, President Clinton called Gump on the phone from the
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strategy room of the White House to congratulate him. In their
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conversation, Clinton told Gump they had a lot in common. For instance,
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they both came from the South and slept with women outside of marriage.
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Unfortunately, Gump couldn't hear the President's comments because a
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raucous Can-Can revue high-kicked its way around Clinton and his advisors
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as they planned their next foreign policy maneuver.
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PANETTA GUMPSIZES THE WHITE HOUSE
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Washington (PETER FUNK PRESS)
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White House Chief of Staff Leon Panetta surprised political
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commentators and prognosticators and appointed Forrest Gump domestic policy
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advisor to President Clinton as part of the long expected shakeup of the
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White House staff.
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Panetta hoped Gump's presence in the White House would boost Clinton's
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plunging approval ratings. Clinton has dropped so low in the popularity
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that a recent poll by Harangue and Imbroglio Associates, conducted to
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discover what Americans hate most, found President Clinton came in third as
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the most hated thing in America with only snakes (1) and big turds (2)
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surpassing him, and with only two more responses for Clinton he would have
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beaten out large turds.
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Gump will have several jobs as domestic policy advisor to the
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President, the primary one will be standing next to the President with his
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arm around him in every photo opportunity possible. His other domestic
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policy duties include maintaining the White House chocolates, jogging for
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Clinton, changing the kitty litter of Socks, the Clinton's cat, and
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watching the Lincoln bedroom so no tourists try to walk off with it.
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Panetta also wanted to fire Dee Dee Myers, the White House
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spokesperson, as part of the shakeup, but the President overruled him after
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Myers met with the President privately. In an emotional meeting, in which
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Meyers cried and threatened to hold her breath until she turned blue she
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convinced the President to let her remain on the job. The President said he
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felt Dee Dee's pain and rescinded Panetta's decision.
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Later, a humiliated Panetta met with the President privately and
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threatened to hold his breath until he turned blue unless the President
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allowed him to fire Meyers. Clinton said he felt Panetta's pain and got
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down on his knees and begged for Panetta's forgiveness. He promised Panetta
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he would make it up to him. "I'll tell you what Leon," he said, "if anyone
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ever gives you a hard time I'll have the CIA kill him for you."
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"I'd rather have your office," replied Panetta.
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"It's yours Leon. I'll move into the White House bowling alley and set
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up my office there."
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DAN QUAYLE DUMPS ON GUMP AND PICKS HIS OWN GUMPIAN
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Virginity (PETER FUNK PRESS)
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Former VP Dan Quayle and possible Presidential candidate, once his
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wife Marilyn whinnies her permission, told a local chapter of the Christian
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Coalition that Clinton's selection of Forrest Gump for domestic affairs
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advisor "was a cheap political trick that would backfire on him." The
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organization met in Virginity, Virginia to discuss their political agenda
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once the Republican Party regains the Presidency, particularly how they
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would exorcise the demons that have taken up residence in the White House
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since the Clintons have moved there.
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Quayle told the organization that in this time of moral crisis with
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divorce, illegitimacy, and rampant crime we need people of exemplary
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character in the White House like me, my wife Marilyn, and our two sons
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Wally and Beaver Cleaver.
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Quayle called Gump a moral reprobate. He told the Christian Coalition
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that in the film _Forrest Gump_ Gump has a child out of wedlock with a 60s
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ex-hippie, ex-drug addict, who eventually dies of AIDS. He contracts AIDS
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from her, moves to Philadelphia, gets a job as a hotshot lawyer for a
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prestigious law firm just so he can sue them for discrimination when they
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fire him for having AIDS.
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Gump's moral failings do not surprise Quayle, considering he came from
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a single parent home. His mother even slept with a school administrator to
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get Gump into a mainstream classroom despite Gump's low intelligence.
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The Christian Coalition took Quayle's criticisms seriously. They love
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the way he attacks Hollywood and respect him for becoming the first
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politician to base a political philosophy on the condemnation of a TV
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fictional character, Murphy Brown. Even political scholars consider him the
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best politician of any political persuasion at campaigning against
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fictional characters.
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To counter Clinton's selection of Gump as domestic policy advisor,
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Quayle said he would choose Chauncy Gardiner, a fictional character from
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the film _Being There_ as his Vice-President. Quayle says Gardiner has the
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"sperience" to do the job, for in the film _Being There_, Gardiner would
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have become Vice President to an unnamed fictional President if the film
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had not ended.
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The Christian Coalition cheered and applauded his proposal. Just as
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the applause died down, a bolt of lightning flashed and thunder cracked in
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the distance. "A sign!" a member cried. "Yes, it is a sign!" another
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bellowed. Other members stood and yelled, "Praise the Lord!" Then, one man
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jumped to his feet and screamed, "I am cured. I can swallow again!" and he
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ran out of the auditorium to the nearest tavern and got wasted.
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Quayle's choice seems very cunning, for Gardiner probably has less
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intelligence than Gump. Gardiner also has conservative economic beliefs
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based on gardening techniques. He believes the government can stop
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inflation by dumping huge amounts of herbicide on it, improve the
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productivity of workers by watering them once a day, and raise wages by
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spreading manure on the profits of businesses.
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Quayle says Gardiner also has a high moral character. For instance, he
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refuses to sleep with Shirley McLaine in the film _Being There_. She plays
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the character EE, a married woman, who throws herself at Gardiner.
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According to Quayle, this will give Gardiner even more credibility with
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conservatives like himself because McLaine, a liberal, has lived many times
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before and learned all sorts of wanton, dissolute sexual practices from
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living previous lives as Cleopatra, Caligula, Queen Victoria, Bismarck,
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Elizabeth Taylor, and Michael Jackson.
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Quayle believes Gardiner will probably accept the job of Vice-
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President if he gets a big screen television and a remote control.
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WHITE HOUSE INSTALLS GUMP DEFENSE AGAINST HAITI
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Washington (PETER FUNK PRESS)
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After General Cedras watched CNN news broadcasts and learned how Dee
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Dee Myers kept her job as White House spokesperson, he warned President
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Clinton he would hold his breath until he turned blue if Clinton did not
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recall US military forces and let him remain as President of Haiti. At a
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meeting with General Shelton, the leader of US forces in Haiti, Cedras told
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Shelton he wants to come to Washington, meet President Clinton privately
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and tell him, "I no longer have a job. My country is occupied. Man, am I in
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great pain. You wouldn't believe the pain I'm in." Then he would threaten
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to hold his breath until he turns blue.
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President Clinton has not commented on Cedras' threat. He has locked
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himself in his new office in the bowling alley of the White House and told
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his domestic policy advisor Forrest Gump to disregard Lincoln's bedroom and
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answer the White House front door. If anyone from Haiti knocks on the door,
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he said, tell them I am not home right now and won't return until the 1996
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elections.
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Meanwhile, former President Jimmy Carter has become concerned about
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Cedras' provocation. He already has boarded a flight to Haiti to break the
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tension and give Cedras mouth to mouth resuscitation.
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===========================================================================
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Entire contents Copyright (C) 1994 by Byron Lanning. All rights reserved.
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You cannot redistribute the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ without the permission of
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the author with exception that a single user may retrieve the _PETER FUNK
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PRESS_ from archives by anonymous FTP or through a Gopher and may send it
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to another single user through electronic mail other than an electronic
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mailing list such as Majordomo.
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Byron Lanning (swipe@well.sf.ca.us or blanning@crl.com) writes and
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electronically publishes the _PETER FUNK PRESS_. Inquiries and opinions
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welcome.
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_THE PETER FUNK PRESS_ appears approximately twice a month on the USENET
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newsgroups alt.zines, alt.journalism, and rec.humor; on The WELL in the
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conference Statements (stmt) topic 81 and in the Zines Conference (F5) on
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the ezine menu; on Compuserve in the Cyber Forum in Cyberlit/Zines; on
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America Online in the PDA Forum (keyword PDA), Mac users choose the Ezine
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library button but PC users select "Palmtop Paperbacks" then select the
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"Ezine libraries" folder, from there Mac and PC users choose "Humor" then
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"Other humor." You also can collect it by anonymous FTP from ftp.crl.com in
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users/ro/blanning and at etext.archive.umich.edu in pub/Zines/FunkPress.
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===========================================================================
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